These Fukken Feelings Podcast© - Season 2.5 - Episode 102 - Interview with Rebecca Heidt - Author of the "Acceptance" Series

Episode Date: April 8, 2023

Send us a Text Message.Are you ready to dive deep into your emotions and gain valuable insights about yourself? Then you won't want to miss These Fukken Feelings Podcast Season 2.5 Episode 102 with special guest, Rebecca Heidt!In this episode, Rebecca shares her personal journey of overcoming anxiety and depression, and how she found the courage to pursue her dreams. You'll hear about the challenges she faced along the way, and the strategies she used to overcome them.Rebecca's story is both ...

What is up, guys? Welcome to these fucking feelings podcast, season 2.5, take number 2. I am Micah. I got Crystal over here. She's our producer this season, but she's filling in because I don't have a co-host. All my co-hosts abandoned me today. And we're on with one of my favorite people. You might remember her from when we first started this season about a year ago. This is Rebecca Haidt. Hi, guys. It's great to be here. Thanks so much for having me.

Oh, I'm excited that you're back on. So I guess before we go into anything, I always say that no one can sell you more than you. So please yourself. Sure. So my name is Rebecca Haidt. I am a self-published author. I'm an indie author. I have published two books for the Acceptance series that I'm doing.

I'm on the third one right now. The first one is Acceptance at the Beginning, which has won an an award third place for women's fantasy and second place for contemporary fantasy as well my second book i know i'm like yes the lower ones yeah absolutely and then the second one is acceptance the reality uh that is my newest one that just came out and i'm working on the third right now this is my the second one is my newest one that just came out and I'm working on the third right now. This is my the second one is my pride and joy. I put everything in it. It's 400 over 400 pages. I did not hold back. So now, like, are you kind of living vicariously through these books and these characters? Like read my trauma.

Honestly, I think that sometimes, look, reading trauma could change your life for real. Literally. Yes. Yeah, absolutely. I, I crazy enough is so like I was working on these books. The second one took me a lot longer. It was a year and a half. And I also does I do art on the side as well so I started a company as well selling my art so it's like these things in between me losing my brain writing um I just sort of kept going that's pretty cool I know I've been actually seeing some of your art online I'm gonna have to get her to paint me something yeah I was actually gonna offer I was like it was in my mind that must have been the universe being like listen man talk to him like I was literally I was like I need to paint you something for I don't know if you can hang it up in your

studio or whatever but or we would love that we would love to hang it up here yeah I got yeah I've been into like the graffiti lately so i got this one which is pretty cool my little it's pretty cool that's very uh street art like that's really yeah i went to miami and um they have like this whole street art area i don't even know what they call i keep oh it's called windhamndham. It's like an area in Miami called Wyndham. And they have graffiti on the walls and all the buildings. And it's like, I couldn't do it. I don't have a single talent when it comes to art. I can't even draw a stick man straight, okay? I can't even do that. And I've seen some of your stuff. And we'll actually put links and stuff on

our website and make sure that our people know where to get it from. But I've seen some of your stuff and we'll actually put links and stuff on our website and make sure that our people know where to get it from but i've seen some of your stuff and i'm like that's really good thank you i appreciate that yeah it's um a lot of it comes with so with writing i put certain feelings more emphasis emphasis and scenes that i'm writing um In the second book, I wrote it more as a, I did my best. If this was a TV show, and then it's like, the camera would look around and how do you write that? How do you write that in a book?

I see the camera turning in a circle. I was like, how do you write that? So when I was hitting a lot of roadblocks, I would hop over to my art and just sort of let my hands do things. I wouldn't think about it. Just let them go. And that's yeah, those pieces are what came out. It's crazy. Yeah, it is crazy. I actually write and it's crazy. I write, but I can't write a book. I don't know why. I want to. I want to now. I think you'd be good at it. Right. But it's like, what do you write about? You know, that's like the part that, you know, I kind of want to write a book about the way I think. Because I sometimes I just have these

random thoughts. Like they just come out of nowhere. They just like appear. I was thinking about women. I was watching a show and a woman was giving birth. And it was like, why do people say the father kind of carries on like, you know, like the the male carries on the legacies of the family when really is these women. And I'm like, like, do you see that stuff? You know, she was just like a bad, like a bad delivery. You know, like it was don't push no more. This child's going to die. You know, and I'm over there sweating. And I'm like, yeah, I can't. That's my problem. I'm a very emotional person and I can't do anything without putting my emotion into it. No, you're an empath. That's so cute.

I didn't want to put a word on it. Thank you. Sorry. Let me tell you. Yeah. So the pretty cool thing. So you actually changed my life a little bit, right? Oh.

And it's kind of deep because I always kind of credit you to doing this. So, you know, but the state of Virginia gave him 30 years and eight months. And it absolutely made me hate that state. You know, it's like, how do you give a child? He's 15 years old. How do you give him 30 years and eight months and he didn't kill nobody. Right. And then you come on our podcast and that kind of was a pivotal point in your life where you actually were held up. Yes. And it wasn't till I saw how that affected your life that I stopped being so angry at like the court system you know because it's like when you think about it wow he you know if I think about the victims you know to his case I don't know what they went through you know right it's a ripple effect for everybody right yeah and it's like and you came up here and like just in telling your story which I'm going to ask you to tell a little bit about

now because so I can stop talking but in telling your story it kind of just changed my viewpoint a little. Now I still think 30 years and 8 months is a little excessive for a 15 year old. We should have gave his ass a spanking and sent him on home but maybe a little more than that. There are killers out here. Trump is roaming free.

And he caused caused all insurrection and, um, but sorry, we don't have to get into that. You're like, there's a lot to talk about. It's a whole nother story and I'm supposed to be interviewing you. No, you're good. No, I understand what you're saying. So he's probably going to be upset. I mean, 30 years is, you can change. Depending on how supportive the prison system is, a lot of people find themselves in prison. I know it's weird to say, but they actually generally feel bad for what they did and it depends on how he takes that time I mean I I also feel like 30 years is extensive but

I'm not the law like I'm not I'm not the law but it depends on so sort of connected with your saying a lot of different I've had a lot of different traumas. I've been sexual assaulted. I got away. I had the gun pointed at me on a robbery. Pretty much like the back of my my shirt was held down and he pushed me forward and put the gun in my head because I was like, listen, buddy, you need to let go of me or this is going to be bad. And literally the gun to my head, I will not lose my boundaries because of the traumatic things that have happened. So as it, as things happen, it's things sometimes just happen. It's your reaction to what it is. So I believe, honestly, before the robbery, after robbery, before these traumatic events, I've had at least four big ones in my life. I can't change them. I can only change around them.

Right. Definitely. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of like how you learn how to live through them. Yeah. That's true. And you have a choice as you can either, you know, rely on your bad habits and sort of destroy your life a little bit because you, but it comes down to his inner peace um and i i feel like a lot of the world is missing that and what inner peace they're looking for is so hard and what it comes down to is do you like who you are do you like yourself definitely if you don't like yourself then you're not going to have peace you're going to find it in another partner you're going to find it in drugs alcohol and everything and none of those things are going to have peace. You're going to find it in another partner. You're going to find it in drugs, alcohol and everything.

And none of those things are going to make you feel better or make your life better because it's inside of you. Like you have to be OK with you. Definitely. That's kind of what everybody knows is like, I think. It's funny, we actually work together at a day job. You would think that she works for me, but really, she's my boss, right? Oh, I see. In your day job, she's your boss? I got you.

In this job, I'm her boss. She's really my boss. I'm really her boss in both jobs. But they always tell me at work that I love everybody. They're like, you just love everybody. Because it's like I always find a good in people. You know, it's like, come and talk about this person. And it's like, yeah, well, we don't know what kind of day they had.

And, you know, I'm one of those people. Like, can I just be mad for a minute before you try to shut me up? Like, I don't know. You know, it's it's weird. It's like, you know, probably very similar to you. I had a lot of traumatic experiences, too. I, too, was actually held up at gunpoint once. Which is crazy, because even that happening to me, I was still like, no, he shouldn't have done no time. I think it was more of his age. It was. Well, and then it's like to know who he is now. Right. It's like, I guess what's upsetting is that, you know, he did 24 years. Let him out.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I feel like he paid for his crime. Let him out. but this isn't about him it's about you well these are these are definitely topics that are um hitting uh the nation everywhere in the world you know right now it's um people and how they react to what's happening is imperative and whatever like if something bad is happening how you react to it is key to everything. And yeah, I can't stress that enough. Yeah. And you know what I found? I've learned to find peace somehow. I mean, I went through a lot of changes. You know, when you first met me, I was Christian and now Micah. So, you know, we went through some changes, but it was like necessary change, you know, and I learned to find comfort in myself.

So like my journey, it was like, you know, I never I'm not artistic outwardly. You know, I don't know how to paint and I wish I can sing, but I can't, you know, and I used to be able to dance. Now that used to be my thing, but then I had cancer, went through chemo. 14 years later, we can't dance either. I don't even know how to catch. I said, how do you lose rhythm? Like I used to have rhythm and I lost rhythm, but somehow through all of that, I guess i finally learned that i had a very unique imagination and my imagination kind of is what allowed me to get through my life and all my hardships you know right but because of that i think outside the box and i think that's why i'm so good at kind of my day job because i think outside the box i'm very good in, how do you say it?

Seeing things that aren't questions. You're a director, Mike. You're a filmography. That's the way you are. That's right. I got you. Actually, maybe we got something now. I'm going to go ahead and direct your movie.

We're going to bring this series into a movie. That's right. Hey, I'm with it it so if i ain't directing then i want to roll in it you hear me you got it yes you're doing it but um sorry you gotta excuse me we're scattered brain today it's okay it's totally fine i'm adhd so i completely understand i'm neurodivergent so that's I totally get it I am too it's it's well I don't know that I am I feel like I am because I'm like my problem is my thoughts back to me learning how to live inside of myself but now because like I like love all of me and I'm

learning to embrace all of me you know it's a lot of like it's a lot going on in there. It's just a lot. He just loves everyone. Yeah. It's a lot going on in there. Which is good. But because it's a lot going on there, it helps me like love everybody. So I don't know how to dislike anybody. It bothers my mom because even though I brought up Trump, I brought that echoing like her belief because I really don't care about none of that, you know? And it's really ignorant. It's probably so ignorant for me to say that I don't care about none of that, you know, and it's really ignorant. It's probably so ignorant for me to say that I don't care about that stuff, but I don't.

I feel like I'm living in a world where it really is going to affect me how it's going to affect me. Yeah. You leveled up. Right. It's like it's going to, you know, if Trump comes back in office, OK, then I'll go through whatever I need to go through. But it's like I really don't feel like my one little voice is going to make a difference, which is probably a bad thing, you know. But it's like that this is a waste of conversation. It's not going to make a difference. If they say pay taxes, I'm going to pay taxes. If they say you stay between the yellow line, I'm going to stay between the yellow line. But I'm going to still live my life. And I think that's the part that people don't understand. You know, I may be clueless to a lot of things, but I'm going to still live my life. Sorry. I honestly think that you care about the things that are more important for the bigger picture.

For example, elections happen so many years, judges, you know, politicians, whatever that happens, it's a revolving door. It's a thing. Okay, so there's some people that really push and help for that. There's some people that really push and help mental health, the inner peace, like we're talking about and um learning how to put boundaries for themselves so there's actually two different um battles going on so there's like a spiritual battle which is i would technically classify you under that you help people understand love is the way loving everybody until they hit your boundary and go beyond it. And then you're like, okay, I can't with you anymore. You're done.

Like you don't dislike people for who they are. You only like, you dislike their behavior. Definitely. There's a difference. There's a huge difference. So the loving everybody is what everyone needs, whether they know it or not. It's whether or not they behave accordingly,

which is what you do. I'm so proud of you. Thank you. You're welcome. So, okay. In the first book, we learn about Selena, right? Yes. So now I'm kind of a little upset because I did order your second book.

And just because, you know, I believe in supporting. But Amazon told me it delivered it Saturday and I ain't get it. So can I make a complaint to you as the author? Amazon's weird. I don't know. They said they put it in my mailbox, but I was like, I checked the mail. Anyway, so I haven't got to-

Did someone steal your book oh my god if they did it's cool it's like read it you know yeah yeah I'll send you I'll send you a message me I'll send you a signed copy oh I want a signed copy yeah but I will pay for it because no no no but I will pay I'm just, look, you wrote your book for a reason. And even though you're sharing a message, it's still about making money in a way. Which is true. Yeah. Which is true. You have to I mean, it has to monetize itself in a weird way. Yeah. I definitely appreciate you, you know know you purchasing book too it has a lot to do with um I talk about energy it's I talk about mythology a little bit I talk about um the villain is sort

of not it's one of those weird like you think the villain is who it is but it's like there's something deeper going on and about And regardless of your upbringing, you can choose to be a good person or a bad person. It's still your choice. So it's a book about choice, actually. That's pretty good. Look, is your dog crying? No, that's a bird outside. Oh, I was like, oh, your dog is so not used to you not paying attention. That's what I thought. Yeah, no, I kicked sell the animals out, actually. Okay, cool. So I know you wrote the first book, and I feel like since your first book, you kind of went on this tour. I've seen you on other podcasts. I've seen you do other podcasts.

I'm a true fan, so I follow you, you know, but do you think, and, and that, because even I can tell how much you evolved now in this conversation to the first conversation we had a you not, you know, been so expressive and in your way kind of heal in front of people's eyes, too? Because that's what I see. I see healing, you know. Yeah. You're out here talking about healing, finding it for yourself and also giving it to others. Yeah. So do you think without that, your book would not have went or ended up the way it is? I absolutely think so. I don't know what it would look like honestly like i don't i can't really say how the story would be different but some of the scenes that i especially made or added which

made it so long was me also working through some of the things that she was going through so there's a little bit more um human connection from me in second book um I some of the names are very intentional um some of the scenes are were therapeutic for me to write as well um so when I literally say, when I wrote this book, I was also healing and evolving. And I made that, I worked that into book two, going into book three as well. So I don't even know what that book was like. Right. And it's crazy because just, and there's little bit of time speaking to you. It's like, okay, like, you know, I always to you it's like okay like you know i always tell people it's like the god presence it's like okay i'm i'm feeling it all right you know like it's it's nice being in this aura but you know but then once again because i think strange and it

was like wow i wonder how different her book is now than it was then so that's kind of pretty cool and i feel like even if you read the first book and then read the second, you probably could still feel that energy shift as well. Yeah, I try to keep myself out of it as much as possible. Honestly, it's so hard. It's so hard to do that as a writer because when I write the scenes, I feel what they're going through.

Right. So I have to read it like 30 times. Was there ever a scene that you couldn't write because you were feeling it? Like you was like, maybe I'm not going to do that one because. Yeah. So the way I write is I write certain things that I'm feeling. I'll write a scene around it and then I'll skip around. So if I emotionally and mentally can't handle what they're going through, I will come back to it a different time when I have a better head on my shoulders so it doesn't become trash.

There is some like trigger warnings in there. There's some like parental emotional abuse. I should probably put a warning on the actual book but you know it's mature and it's rated above 18 and we're all in this together so here we are but like i i try to make it relatable for a bunch of people, not just, you know, LGBT community, because it is still based LGBT. She is bisexual, the main character. So I was very, I made it about everybody. I tried to be as involving to no specific person as possible. Right. That sounds pretty, pretty dope. So yeah, when we make this movie, do you think that your book could be made into a movie? Like, do you think it could do it

justice? I absolutely plan on making it a movie, whether it's,'s um backed and supported by individuals of that like that community or the hollywood community or i don't know technically the community is that i call it hollywood community but it's actually called something else like there's a writer's guild um you know and all that good stuff so i whether it's them or whether i do with a group of friends, it's going to happen one way or another. I actually am working on getting an audio book done. So book one, Acceptance at the Beginning. I'm working with the absolutely beautiful, wonderful Laura Horowitz in the West Coast. She is going to be narrating and voice acting book one for me. It's going to be out

the end of December. So I'm making strides, whether or not people come with me is up to them. Right, right. Definitely. You get that done. I'm definitely in both those books because I audio book is where I go to sleep to. I go to sleep to audios and somehow I wake up and I know the spot I fell asleep on, you know. That's so funny. You learn things when you're sleeping. It makes me think of Edgar Cayce. You ever heard of Edgar Cayce, the sleeping prophet? No. Yeah. So it was a long time ago, but it was kind of he had to study for a test. He put some books under his pillow,

just a strange reason. For some reason, he just wanted to sleep on top of his books. And when he woke up, he knew everything that was in the book. Oh, okay. It's sort of like when you write down manifestations or affirmations, put it on your pillow. So your dream self will absorb what's under your pillow right right and then they say he used to be able to like connect to different people's consciousness and he was a healer you know he told a lot of people like how to be healed but he did it like all over the world you know it was like he was in tennessee and it's like he's calling the girl in the bronx and he's like, you know, you need to crush some garlic and stand up with a bread loaf on your head and you'll be cured. And it's like, I'm not doing that shit. And they do

it and they're cured. But it was, I guess it's based, it's supposed to be based on a true story or is a true story. I don't know. Sorry. I probably went into that more than I should have. No, it's a thing. It's a real thing. It's the high frequency healers. So I want to tell you to elaborate more on your books, but then I feel like no people just need to go buy them. Well, do you have a specific question that I can maybe that I alluded to that you want to know more about? Oh, actually choices. So I do want to talk about that because you kind of said you focused on choices in this book um but

why I guess why choices I actually um part of this book crazy enough I wrote for the public so it's my it's my saying listen I know everything is going really crappy and you have to remember that it's a choice whether or not to be uh morally okay that makes sense for you or you can choose to continue to be the villain like and that's and i actually wrote that for now i wrote it almost a year ago for now so some of the things that i have written have are not not only for me but also for our future selves okay that's pretty cool i know that's very like a like vague but it's like look it's like how does that happen like how do you know what to say to your future self most of the time you say to your future self is it's going to be okay i like how you said that you have a choice where you can accept, basically you can,

what am I trying to say? You can either learn from it or not, because I do the same thing where when I was growing up, you know, both of my parents were alcoholics and I learned from that to not become an alcoholic. So it comes with sort of what you were saying and how you can learn from it. Yeah, you and I mean, you were probably given several paths or choices in your life where you could have went one way or went the other way the way to take care of you or been like you know what it's in my knee let's do it like f it you know and those are definitely like choices that could have absolutely absolutely made your future completely different like absolutely and that's that's the book that's pretty much so there's one character in particular um i have selena constantly going like he had he's

really not a great person and he his excuse for that is because my dad's not a great person and so selena's like okay, you're not your dad. Like you are your own person. Are you going to choose to be a better person? Are you going to keep being your dad? Like, seriously, like,

are you your own person or not? Yeah. So Crystal here has 26 kids. No, I don't. Girl, that's a lot. She has five. Yep. And a grandbaby. But my my point was she's like a really really great mother

and but she has some trauma yep and the same thing as you learn from it and it's either you can go one way or you go the other way and i just chose to go the right way. Yeah. And that's kind of why we brought her into this podcast though, because she's not healed yet, you know? Aw, I hope you know. Yeah, she's, you know, she's still struggling. You could tell because of her burst of anger. She has burst of anger, you know? And it's like, I recognize that, you know?

I put the shopping cart in Target, you know what I'm saying? Like, I recognize that. I'm always happy. in Target. You know what I'm saying? I recognize that. I'm always happy. She is always happy until she's not. Right. Yeah. But sometimes I'd be like, girl, you was mad over this? This is the thing that you mad over.

Yeah. And I recognize I used to be that. I used to be that person when i first met christa was kind of like an instant connection and um it's uh i feel like i just need to say this but i don't know why so i grew up in in virginia but it was a lot of i grew up around a lot of black people you know so it's funny because now people be like why you talk like a 65 year old black woman and it's like because i is you know but it's just that you know that's kind of how i grew up so um and then it's like i move here i am now and it's nothing but white people so it's like i am the black person

here so it's i i want to say like for some it took a little warming up to me, you know, but with Crystal, it's kind of like an instant connection. And, you know, she's old, but, you know, she's like my little sister. That was your daughter, your special child. She is my special child. She is my special child, Rebecca. But she's at the beginning of her healing. Gotcha. And not to put her on the spot, but we were there. Do you remember what it was like when you first started healing?

Yeah. There was a lot of bursts of anger. Yeah, absolutely. It was learning not to react over when you stub your toe and you're just absolutely fuming at the sidewalk because it's uneven. And then whoever made the sidewalk is an idiot. And then like it's like so small and you're like, God, that sucks. And, you know, like whatever. But you have to realize, you know, that's OK.

Like, it's all right. I want to keep walking. Yeah. It's, it's, uh, starting the healing journey can be very emotionally rollercoaster and, um, there's a lot of shadow nights, I guess, if you will. Um, it's, uh, I'm really proud of you for starting that. like it's not easy and uh you'll eventually it's not easy hold on to those rose crystals for dear life i just go to when i go to work i just sit in the room with him and i just vent and then i'll listen but i'm, this is what you're talking about. He gives me away. Like, we got this. Like, girl, we in the trucking business.

It's like our fleet is about to go on fire, and you over here worry about how the girl ate your blue M&Ms. She knows she won't be able to eat your blue M&Ms. No. But, you know, it is like, really? That's what we're mad over? Yeah. But I also am proud of her, too. Yeah. It was kind kind of like it was like okay i do a mental health podcast you're gonna be part of it because i feel like it's gonna help yeah absolutely it's um when you're upset with someone with your

blue m&ms there's always a deeper thing right you're upset that someone didn't ask for permission to eat your hands so it's like always that deeper thing that you're afraid to like talk about and um you'll get there it's okay we got you hit me up whenever you want to like talk about this i know as i tell there's a whole community out here for you of people healing. And it's crazy. I read the other way the other day or saw something. I don't know. I'm always watching something. But the guy was like holding up an egg and he was like, the best part ain't until you crack it.

You know, and I thought about that. And I'm like, yo, you're like the shell has to completely be cracked to get to the best part of the egg. Right. Yeah. So it's like, you you know it's for us true first of all i don't feel like there's a person out there in this world who is not dealing with some kind of trauma true that's number one point of this podcast you have trauma yeah you grew up in this world you have trauma let's start admitting that now you know learn to hold it in and don't say anything, and

that's the problem. Or it's not even holding it in. There are people who are just, you know, I remember being told, we don't go to therapy, you know, that stuff. White people do. You know? How people your business? Who goes to therapy? White people go to therapy. It is like, dang, so

I can't go because of my race you know but therapy end up being one of the best things for me but there's trauma to people you out here and rebecca is gonna tell you if you breathing you have a trauma yes start dealing with your crap let's start cracking them eggs you know it don't matter which one came first the chicken or the egg it don't matter it's just just crack the egg but um cool so then your art let's talk about your art a little bit so writing i have so many questions number one let's go back a little bit for people who didn't see you in the first season. Sure. What was the reason you started writing?

Like, when did you know you wanted to be a writer? Oh, so I started realizing I want to write. I was always into writing, like a teenager, 20s, et cetera. But I never was serious about it. So there's a couple of different things that happened. You mentioned the whole robbery at gunpoint. That was pretty traumatic.

I hid from that for a while. I didn't deal with it at all. Were you scared of people now? Did it make you fearful of people? Not really. I don't like people taking choices from me. I don't like people taking things without my permission or anything like that. It wasn't the actual people because I

really enjoy people.'s the when I see people behaving poorly it really sort of triggers me and when they try to take choices away from me which happens all the time whether we know it or not unfortunately um and it can't it could be small it could be big like in some kind of way it happens and i didn't deal with that well so i had a lot of ptsd with masks because he was wearing a mask um i didn't like for you what was that covid like when covid hit it must have been like the worst with these masks everybody wearing masks is like so actually like the medical masks were okay it was more the halloween masks that really certain kinds of halloween masks were really like i couldn't i couldn't do it i had to

like walk away um and then disrespect in the form of taking away my choices So that was a hard one. And then, so I was low key healing from that. I was like pretending I was okay, but I wasn't okay. Like it happens. I'm not going to talk about it, but give me a second. I was like, yeah, I'm fine. It's cool. And then I'll like randomly not be okay. And then like crying and yelling at people and I'm like ah I'm really sort of busted up so then also um my stepfather passed away my mother-in-law passed away two weeks after and it was just like with my already trauma being there on top of this more stuff it was um I had like a deep mental breakdown if you will and i was faced

with the decision of feeling like i didn't have anybody around me that was being supporting in the way i needed to because they were supporting but not in the way i needed them to be. And also we were stuck in the house. So I couldn't go out. Nature's my guru. Nature's my home. Earth's my home. Nature's my home. You're one of those outside barefooted people.

Yes. And I'm the one like, look at her. Like a dog was just peeing here. Well, that's different. I'm like... You feel the energy through being barefooted, right? Yes. That is correct. Yeah. Trees. I'm like, I like to go around and, you know, hug trees. I literally hug trees because, you know, there's vibrations from the earth and everything. I will literally hug a tree any day. Like I just love nature so much. And, um, I'll talk to the animals in the park. Like people think I'm so weird, but it's,

it makes me happy. So, okay. And so there's a whole community of you. Okay. I talk to everything. that's so funny um so when when i was sort of trauma on top of trauma trauma eventually it's going to hit a point of you ignoring it not you guys specifically but me like it um there's gonna it's gonna run into a point where you just can't take anymore you literally can't take anymore. You literally can't take anymore. So you're faced with a choice of what do you want to do? And I decided to rise up. I decided to say, I, you know, I can, I can do this. I can confront all this trauma a little bit at a time. I can, I'm going to write a book on, um, and I use the book to sort of, uh, go go from there so you have to start at a point so it was art and writing for me what step one is realizing what do you want to do i want to do canvases which i did but i want to write a story so i would used to lay on my floor in my bedroom

and listen to um gosh what is this freaking song i forgot what it's called but there's three specific songs that i was listening to on repeat and on repeat for hours on my floor and i was like okay so it was giving me strength i was gaining strength from this music and it was like instrumental music um specifically so there's really no words it was just sort of like movie music if you will and I was getting giving me strength and I was like what am I going to do with this I was like how am I going to express this outward so it's not in me anymore I have to get it out. So I wrote, I started putting together my storyline and I made the storyline three books might actually be four, but then I split it up into different books.

And I said, okay, this is this one book. This is the other book. And this is going to be the other thing. But I made a whole story in my mind with this music and I started writing. And that's where book one came from wow that's pretty cool and it's funny so I got a music story too right um it just made me think about how music is so important my mom has just suffered the probably the worst years of her life like the worst year of her life and I'm pretty sure she's been through some hard things but it's been really really difficult for her just lately it's just been so bad two heart surgeries you know now she

has to take insulin my mom likes sweets you know it's just kind of and the other day we were driving and I kind of listened just to like the Whitney Houston station when I went my mom it's like I wanted to be a mix because you know she's 71 so she ain't trying to get none of this young crap but it was it was Luther Vandross um came on and he was just like singing the song my mom was like oh you know like she she had a little job real quick and I was like you know I didn't want to make like a a deal about it, but it was like seeing my mom happy for a few seconds. And I haven't seen this happiness in a year. It's like, do you know how special this moment is? But it's crazy because I, you know, it was like at the moment I was just

thinking, I'm like, yo, if you decide to make music, if like, that's your choice and that's your passion and that's what you do, Like you decide to shape the world for real. Like it's so much power and music. And just kind of like you say, just the frequencies, vibrations, you know, forget the words. And then, you know, cause people is always the beat. I don't know what they're saying, but I like the beat, you know, but as long as you try singing and you really don't know the words, you're just saying, right.

We honor Lewis, my best song, Bleeding Love? I always say, he called you a banana. You know, I'm part of it. But it's like, why is she singing about bananas, you know? But it's pretty cool, like, to hear you. I hadn't thought about that moment um since then but hearing you talk about kind of like your it your came from music you know just made me think about my mom and it's like wow you really do change the world if you make music like you kind of

that's pretty dope I wish I had musical talents lord knows I wish I could sing I'm actually surprised you can't because Cause in my mind you were like, I don't know. You're like a jazz singer or something. Thank you. I appreciate that. Well, you know what? I, I, I feel like I'm, I, take a moment when I tell you my brain is going crazy because i enjoy talking about mental health you know so for a long time you know i always want said i oh i want to write a book but i can't stay focused enough to write nothing so that's probably not gonna happen i can't sing that's

it's not gonna happen i can't paint i can't draw i can't you know so so i always was like damn what is gonna be my contribution to this world so finally i realized like i really don't need no legacy you know like that didn't want to be my thing i don't want kids even though he'll be a great dad until that child talk back because as soon as they talk back i'm gonna rip out all the vocal chords you know so because i'm gonna do that right i'm just not gonna be a dad but um but kind of that's kind of where this podcast came from because kind of like as you can see now i could talk you know i was like if i can't do nothing else, I can talk, but I can also get other people to talk. Yes. You know, so like maybe this needed to be my contribution.

You know, let's start having conversations because it's kind of you said it. It's like you be reading my soul kind of multiple times, like this world is in a really jacked up place right now. Like we just live in horrible times. You know, it's like, it's, if you're not struggling mentally, you're struggling financially,

which kind of means you're struggling mentally. So, and it's kind of like, you know, I, I think about people in relationships and I'm like, I don't know anybody. Sorry,

Crystal, don't be offended. Rebecca, I love you, but I don't know nobody. I don't know anybody. Sorry, Crystal. Don't be offended, girl. Rebecca, I love you. But I don't know nobody that's like in a real, like they really happy in their relationships. Like, I don't know nobody right now like that. It's because it's so much work. It really is. It's like having three jobs.

But I feel like, see, I feel like love ain't going to be work. Like it shouldn't be work. So if it's work, then you just ain't with the person you're supposed to be with. I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry. That's so funny. That's the Watch Podcast. funny. Let's watch podcasts. I think that circles back to a little bit. You have to love yourself to love other people. Otherwise you're going to love them wrong. I don't think people

know how to do that. I have a wife. We've been married. This will be our second year married, but we'll be together 17 years and sometimes we absolutely couldn't stand each other we hated each other like if we could so like we would be so comfortable in our relationship and be like you know what I sort of hate you today and I'll be like you know what that's okay you'll love me next week it's okay

and then like you have to say it out loud sometimes don't hide you're not gonna love each other all the time every single day that's irrational and not realistic some days i feel like you can i feel like you can it's not that you don't love the person it's more of you just can't stand the person at that time yes i feel like i and it's funny because you never know what goes on in people's house so everything i could have saw could just been a biggest facade either but i was like i know this couple to be married 40 years and it was like they just was like like i don't know it was just crazy they just worked like clockwork and it was like that's dope you know it's time to get there for sure i i love i love her

enough to say you know what you're doing and saying right now is upsetting me and i don't like you right now right but i still love you right but you know that's where people should be because it's communication right yeah you know you're saying it to her versus saying it to me because i ain't gonna do nothing but judge you no but i'm when i say me i'm talking about society yeah like people go to work and they'll tell their co-workers the next thing you know it's like girl she ain't out at her husband ain't happy you know like yeah that's true though and now people are using it against you. So I commend what you do. And I feel like that's what everybody should do in

your relationship. You should be able to like, honestly say what you want to say to the other person, you know, and we're supposed to be so much together that you like, it may hurt you, but it ain't going to kill like because you know i always felt like a true soulmate is someone that you probably can never really be with because they show you everything that's wrong with yourself in a way you know the twin flame you're talking about the twin flame yeah it's like it's hard to see yourself through other people's eyes you'd be like damn i don't like what i'm looking at you know yeah that's because that that's rooted in that's so funny oh my gosh that makes me so that makes me laugh so much so that's rooted in you not wanting to see your errors in other people then that's sort of why we dislike other people

is we dislike or don't want to be around them because there are similarities in them that we haven't worked on that we don't like about ourselves that we're hiding and they're bringing them to the surface and we just like don't like anyone i love that you said that that's great's great. Look, touche. Wait, I think we got to... Applause that one. You said that. I really think that's true. Yeah.

I do. So really quick, I kind of wanted to go back to you guys were kind of both talking about choices. And then you were saying like you don't like people making your choices. Because it made me think that like, you know, we always say like this too, you know, you can make your choice. You go left or you go right or, you know, but then I think about the people who had their choices took it. So it's like, you know, as a person who goes left, there's a person who goes right, but there's also a person who is like a consequence of everybody else's choice. You know, like some people had to go the direction that they went in because of the choice someone else made, you know? So it was

like, it's hard to bear when that, yeah, it's really, and that's where anger comes from. That's where a lot of the anger comes from, is because someone did something, it made you forced to make a decision you wouldn't normally make. And it causes anger in ourselves for putting ourselves in that position where we had to make this, like, have this happen. I allowed this person close enough enough or i allowed this person to make me do this and then you also hate them for making me do this so it's a double-edged sword unfortunately and that's where you being you have to understand that even though they took that choice away or they made you do something else um the only way to find peace with that is understanding that they don't understand you

personally in the sense of for example in the 70s you know back back back back back in the day 1500 1600s whatever the women of the families were forced to marry people they didn't want that happened all the time you know forced marriages around the world all the time and they were always angry and they would express that anger and they were always were told to sit down and be quiet and do your duty always i watched a lot of um periodical tv shows recently and that's why i said that just leaving us i had a boss that had to arrange marriage. And she tells me that while we work together that she hates him. But she can't leave him because it's not in her religion to do it. She'd be banned or, you know, looked down upon.

She had left him. But she said she was like 14 when she had met him. And she said that she hates him. And it's crazy that people, it goes back to your choices, actually goes back to prison. Because essentially

that is a prison. You are being held in this life number you know, number one, by this man who you hate, but also by a family you scared to lose who you kind of hate because they make you be with this man that you hate. It's the fear of losing a support, even from the family that of course you do it and you hate them, but it's the support. And it's finding the strength. And it comes down to us individually as a human race, finding the strength to do something, not necessarily about it,

but the real question is, what would make you happy? Because I can't answer that for anybody. Only you guys can answer that for each other. What's going to make you happy? How does that what does that look like? How do you do it? And is it safe for you to do it? You know, like there's consequences to every action, even when it's our own safety. Right. Definitely. Yeah. Very well put. And I was going to say kind of like, you know, and then happiness can be different and look different to everybody.

And I feel like sometimes that's what people like forget. You know, it's like happiness. You know, it's kind of like me. I'm over here speaking about like, oh, you know, like your relationship. Right. But you legit OK in your relationship, you know. So it's like, you know, but there's something I just, you know, because of my standards that I see that I just don't like, you know. And so it's like I speak on it, but really it's like you're good. And it's like, you know, it's another lesson right now for me, you know, because we're having this conversation that is like, how dare me look down on somebody for being happy the way that they decide to be happy. But it's our choice in the end. Yeah.

Yeah. And that's what it looks like to anybody else. It is their choice. Yes. Yeah. No, you're good. It's a,

so when it also comes down to sort of like, we have to accept as a society, which we may or may not everyone like honestly i don't i don't know if it's gonna happen is is accepting that when people are happy the way they are without our interference right that it's not just because we aren't happy for them doesn't mean that we as a society should interject and ruin their happiness because they don't. It's not the same. Their happiness looks different than ours. Definitely. You said that, too. You ate, as they say. You ate that. It was really good. You kind of had me start like i was all in it too like dang

she's saying this yeah yeah i will say whatever i have to say i kind of wanted to say in the beginning of the podcast but i um have a weird sense of humor and i laugh a lot and it's funny because when you think of laughter and mental health, you like that shit can't go for real. Like you can't laugh at mental health, but kind of that's what we're doing now in society, but not admitting it's real. Right. Yeah. So so I'm just doing what everybody else is doing. But no, it's you know, I learned to find the humor in just life. I think that just goes back to, like I said, my imagination. You know, I kind of had a lot of people. When I was younger, I was molested a whole lot from like probably my first memory as a child is of being molested. Like it went from that early on to kind of like really late.

And it took a long time and a lot of back alleys. You know, I tell people I never I never took shortcuts in life, but I did take some back alleys. You know, I tell people, I never, I never took shortcuts in life, but I did take some back alleys, you know, I kind of went down in the wrong direction a little bit or a lot a bit, you know, cause I'm pretty sure there's a lot of people out here that I've hurt because of that, because now my choices are poor and I'm taking out what someone did to me, you know, it is just kind of like, you know, I went through all this kind of crazy stuff, but, um, you know, I see the humor in it. It's really stupid to say that, but just some things was funny. Like when I think about some decisions I made or, you know, it was like who I am now to who I was then, you know, it's like,

I can't believe I was like, I can't believe I was a person that got molested with my loud mouth. And the way I talk now, you know, and it's always like, I'm weird when it comes to that, but it's never, I've never taken light on the situation. You know, if I laugh or or smile or joke even it's usually about my situation and can't nobody tell me how to deal with my mental health so i kind of wanted to say that um kind of taking off the season you know season 2.5 we're taking it off now so it's like i kind of want to make that statement now and if you miss it and don't watch this video and get offended in another one, cause I laugh. But it's like this, you know, it's kind of, I'm always happy too.

You know, like, it's like, I'm always happy. And it's like laughter comes a part of that, you know? I think it's your choice of healing is being happy and joking and, you know, making people laugh. And, you know, it's like kind of showing love. You know, I'm really big on showing love to like everybody. You know, I go to work and I hug everybody. You know, I thought I was going to be one of the people that didn't get COVID. But I go to work and hug everybody. So I end up getting COVID. But like, I'm going to hug the person who just tested positive for COVID and had to go home.

I hugged them before they left. Like, I'm so sorry you got COVID. Three days later. On his birthday, I thought. On my birthday, three days later. On his birthday, I had that. On my birthday, three days later, I was locked up in the house with some COVID, you know? But my co-worker sent me

some strawberry, strawberries. I wanted some chocolate-covered strawberries, Rebecca, right? And they sent them to me. How you gonna send it to a person who got COVID? Who can't taste anything. Right. And I ate them, I I think all 12 in one sitting and then I threw them all up like it was an issue which is the hard look you see me gripping my mental health pillow right

oh my gosh I really appreciate and love that you live your life the way you do I think you bring a lot to the table and I appreciate how how you um advanced you know like in your year especially I think our our lives are very similar you and I and I am so proud of you and I'm so glad that you're doing this thank you thank you and the same for you and I was just going to ask you like tell us everything you got going on because it's a lot it is a lot I have a lot going on and it has a lot to do with my ADHD honestly it's just because like I do a task and then I stop and then I like go down this tunnel of researching and then I start a new project and like it just keeps going and I'll circle back to the first one

it's just what I do I'm like I don't know I just do stuff you know what I'm I'm like opposite a little bit I It's funny, my family. So I have like a place in the city that you can always come visit. Great. And it's kind of like I got it through a hookup because like a friend's family been there for 100 years. So it's a rent controlled apartment. Gotcha. And it's like, I got to go to Japan for two years. Do you want to take over

the apartment? So I was like, okay, sure. Why not? So I moved in in October and in December, my family came to visit and they said it looked like I lived in that apartment for years. It was done, decorated. So it's like weird like for me i can't go from like project to project i have to finish this project yeah i'm usually it's gonna be i mean when i decided we're gonna do a studio it was like up and gone we got it you know it's like okay so just it's weird but i guess it's kind of cool to see the two ways you know like the differences between me and you we're so similar but it's kind of go about it differently yeah so I'm sorry back to you

so what was your question what do i have going on i forgot look rebecca don't be sitting up there with your wife later talking about that i ain't doing that podcast no more no i love you guys so much yeah i kind of was just asking kind of like yeah tell us a little bit of what's going on where people find you where they can find your art we're gonna post everything but you know i want to hear you say it sure absolutely so i, my books are sort of everywhere right now. Um, it's, uh, so I went through IngramSpark and I sold some to like Japan, India, France, England, Germany. I have this one German fan that keeps buying my books and I don't know who you are but thank you I appreciate you I just I don't just want to say that so like I have their um Barnes and Noble you can find them on Amazon

um I also have a website rebeccaheit.com you can there's some links you can get to them as well I have my art which is bhcreationsll LLC. So all of my art is located. It's abstract art, spray paint, texture art. I mean, it's quite a lot of different things, honestly. It's got different motions for each day. So you can find that at bhcreations.online. And I just started doing TikTok stuff um yeah I saw the one you like stitched yeah yeah and you were talking about that kid I was like I see you

yeah that little kid was funny yeah what is your TikTok sorry did you say it already no i didn't um it's called the exalted peacock is my tiktok handle okay my dad always told me i was a peacock i like to um perform so it's a yeah so he called that's where i came from and uh what else so i have my audio book that's going to be recorded and out at the end of the year i have my book three reborn that should be out in 2024 um i think that's everything it's all about and then we go we see you on podcasts oh yeah yeah i have a linked entry with all the podcasts and all of my website because I found that it was easier to do that when I have so much going on. Definitely. I was like, here, here's one link for all the links.

I have a LinkedIn tree. And probably other podcasts that you listen to might be a little more like structured. Don't be too hard on yourself. Look, what am I doing? I just finished three weeks of chemo. Right. So I know it sucks, but it's cool. I'm done with it now.

It's kind of just like aftercare maintenance stuff I got you yeah so I'm gonna say that my little scatterbrain was because of that but before before we do go and I'm gonna let you go I did have two questions right the first one was kind of like about um and the reason I asked is because I know we actually have a lot of people who watch who want to write books. You know, what do you say for people who give themselves deadlines? That's a smart thing. Sorry, two part question. Do you think it's something you should do? Should you work on a deadline?

So it's OK to have a deadline as long as it's realistic. And you have to understand whatever your first deadline is, you're not going to hit it. And you need to have a realistic idea of what the second deadline is. And the reason I say that is I know some people will write and then they'll put it down and they'll forget about it two months and they'll pick it up again. And they'll lack that motivation for that future site to keep going with it. So I say 2024 because I understand life happens. There's a lot going on. And I have 50 pages of book freedom. So if I said December, I know in my mind and my heart that that's unrealistic for me. And it's just going to create chaos and mayhem in my body. And that's unrealistic. Yeah. So anyone who wants to write, set a deadline, but do it realistically to feel out what your process is. My process is different than yours. So it's okay, but please

don't beat yourself up about it. You're going to lose your hair. Right. And honestly, it was like the perfect answer because that was the reason why I wanted you to touch on it. I actually like know a few people who are like, I've been working on this book for two years, you know, and they're like so angry about it. And it's like, it should bring you joy, you know? And it's like, now you're now kind of what everything you said, you're like hurting yourself, essentially, you know, now you got this stress and this ailment and these pain, you know, because all the stuff you put yourself through. So remember, it kind of always comes back to mental health honestly and everything you do

you know is are you doing it safely are you doing it you know um or are you doing it in kind of with structure in a way yeah something i don't know about maybe i'll get it one day in my life it can happen for me but um yeah the other question I kind of forgot. That's okay. We talked about it so much, and it was like, I have a second question. I have a second question. But, no, it kind of just, it left me.

So, for the writers, I do want to also add that when you're done writing the story, you want to say, you'll have to read it many, many different times and edit it, like depending on who you have to edit your story. So also there's going to, you're going to hit roadblocks. And what I also mean by that is for Amazon and IngramSparks, there's different requirements to upload books. So for IngramSparks, you have to have a certain, the picture has to have a certain like pixel. And if the cover wasn't made correctly, you have to like circle back. If the font wasn't embedded, it's going to yell at you, you can't upload it. And you're going to be so angry because there's so minor things, but you, it takes time to fix. So you hit little barriers like that. You have to be prepared for unknown things happening. Absolutely. That should also be factored into your deadline.

The unknown. Right, right. Crazy. Really great, great, great, great answers. My second part, and I had it and I lost it again. Damn. I'm a little crazy. I get it. But we thank you so much for coming on. Yeah. It's really fun.

I'm sorry I was so scatterbrained. No, you're good. It's totally cool cool i was really excited about talking to you i feel like you know we two old friends catching up like hey it was like a phone conversation over video it's great video and somehow we still managed to talk about mental health yeah i know right definitely we thank you so much so much for coming on yeah as i say we will list everything you got going on is going to kind of be in the bio for the episode as always we appreciate you and thanks for being part of our family you know i'm gonna get you back on especially when your audio book comes out or just before that, because we can have a conversation. Yes. Any last minute words? I mean, speaking of mental health, honestly, there's a lot of people out there that are they're not seeking help and they're not getting help.

And they don't want to admit that there's something wrong. What's your advice to them before we go? At the end of the day, you should always put yourself first. Self-care is so essential. Self-care, self-care, self-care. So take some time for yourself. If you feel like you have a busy schedule and you're always helping other people, you have a family, you have to take at least 15, 20 minutes to yourself. Do something you enjoy um i know things really sort of suck in life the world is not easy and but it's going to be okay like just believe in yourself first and you have to pour in your cup before you can pour into

other cup otherwise it's going to be empty and you're going to burn out. So take care of yourself always and then help other people. I, and my cup is always plentiful. And I, I've learned that when I feel empty, I can't give anything to anyone. I can't do these videos. I can't. So I have to take a step back and relook at what I'm doing and pour in my own cup. Right. Definitely. It's kind of funny. I was actually telling Crystal there earlier. I was like, you know, these just doing these episodes can be draining because, you know, we want to we want to show people what we're saying. You know, we want to say that, hey, we're good. We could talk about our crazy lives because it's what we're telling you to do, you know. But that takes so much energy, you know. But in the end, it's worth it.

Thank you again. Yeah. I love you. Yes. And we will talk soon. OK, sounds good. See you guys. Thanks so much for watching. Bye.