These Fukken Feelings Podcast© - Season 2.5 - Episode 107 - Interview with Taya Mikado - This Grief Thing F**king Sucks

Episode Date: May 24, 2023

Send us a Text Message.In episode 107 of These Fukken Feelings Podcast Season 2.5, we sit down with Taya Mikado, author of the book "This Grief Thing Sucks", to discuss the complex and difficult emotions that come with grieving. Taya shares her personal experiences of losing loved ones, and how she navigated the grieving process.Together, we explore the common misconceptions surrounding grief, such as the idea that there is a "right" way to grieve or that grief has a set timeline. Taya offers...

you don't have to be positive all the time it's perfectly okay to feel sad angry annoyed frustrated scared and anxious having feelings doesn't make you a negative person it doesn't even make you weak it makes you human and we are here to talk through it all we welcome you to these fucking feelings podcast a safe space for all who needs it grab a drink and take a seat. The session begins now. What is up guys and welcome to these fucking feelings podcast. I am Micah. Got my girl Rebecca over here and our special guest Taya McAdoo, right? Yes. Okay. And then the book, we got to talk about the book. So it is, oh my God, this is- This grief thing fucking sucks. Yeah. This

grief thing fucking sucks. Okay. So now we believe that the best way to kind of introduce yourself would be for you to introduce yourself. So go ahead and tell the people about you. Perfect. All right. Well, yeah, my name is Taya Mikado. I am a new author, a young author for the book, This Grief Thing Fucking Sucks. I am a mixed Yonsei Canadian, which means that I'm fourth generation Japanese Canadian. And I currently reside in Toronto. I'm really excited to explore conversations about grief and hear more about what other people have learned through

their own grief experiences to help bring awareness and destigmatize grief and its relationship to mental health. Okay. That's great. I did read that you are donating $3 to the Hard Feelings Foundation for every book sold. Yeah. So this month during like the month of May for Mental Health Awareness Month in Toronto here, there is a counseling service that offers like helps with the price of counseling. So it'll offer people that have less than $1,500 for mental health services, like discounted counseling. It's a service that I've benefited from using. And so $3 of every purchase of a book this month is going to them. And I hope

to do other kind of opportunities like this in the future with different organizations as life goes on. Yeah, that is super great. Yeah. Because I don't know my first book. Yeah, I'm not getting three dollars. That's great. We've we've spoke with other mental health advocates and authors, and you're the first one that I've spoken with or that, you know, we've interviewed who are donating to, you know, charities and so forth. So I commend you for that. Thank you. I think it also comes from just having the being in a privileged position, I think, to be able to do that.

I'm really grateful with how successful that the book has been so far. I am a self-published author. So I've been kind of doing things a little bit differently than maybe a traditional author would with a publishing company that has some more influence. So this was kind of a part of my publishing was kind of to bring awareness, but also to maybe create some partnerships and resources that for people like me and my communities for mental health, at least into Toronto and maybe bigger one day. Worldwide.

I'd love to be not only first time author, but also publisher right out the gate. That's really a little bit more work than I thought it was going to be. I guess before we officially get to that part, I wanted to know what made you, what caused you to decide that you wanted to write a book? Wow, I worded that weird. No, it's a great question. I talk a little bit about it in the intro of my book, but there are lots of things that went into it and lots of things that I didn't add as well. But at the end of it was that I found writing very therapeutic for me. It was one of the things that I turned to throughout grief and throughout life and mental health and everything.

And there came a point about four years ago where I'd had a whole bunch of poems and a whole bunch of things that I really loved and that were helping me just get through my days. And I was like, you know, maybe I could turn it into a book. And it also kind of came at the same time that I was looking for literature that I would resonate with. And there wasn't that much in that young adult grief, kind of more modern approach that might not be as religiously tied. Yeah. So I was like, sure, you know what? Like, I'll just see how it goes.

And that's also why I self-published because I was kind of just taking it at my own pace. And I wanted to just see what we could come up with. And slowly this happened. And it just kind of, I was really lucky to find Friesen Press Publishing, which is like a Canadian self publishing medium that helps. So they helped me by providing editors and whatnot, so that I could still get, you know, it wasn't all just on me. I had some like backing and people to talk to that helped me through it. But, yeah, it's an interesting process doing it that way. And but it's been a lot of fun. It's crazy. Well, if you ever need an editor, Rebecca over here.

She comes with at least once a week to tell me every mistake i made in an email okay you said this when you meant that you did this you did that so you know yeah there's a market for it there is there is so let's i guess let's go ahead and dive into it and ask you like, when was, when was the first time you felt grief or that you was what you were feeling? So the first time I, I think I understood what grief was would have been after the passing of my dad. Um, and that was when I was 13, um, and that was to suicide. And so it was kind of one of those more, um, difficult types of conversations and things to like move forward with, right. because it wasn't

just a death it was also this conversation about mental health like and what is suicide and all of these like really kind of heavy topics and doesn't make a lot of sense maybe for younger people like myself like when you were 13 niggas like how do you process no no, no, no. His dad is dead, but then also it was like, Oh my God, like he did it to himself. And it's like, how do you,

how do you understand that? And to this day, I think it's something that I still am working to understand. And within my own mental health, within the mental health of others and hearing other suicide loss survivors stories. I think it's one of those things that's kind of a part of human life that's hard to understand for a lot of people and for ourselves. So yeah, that was kind

of I think my first real experience of like, having having to understand what grief is. While I had lost grandparents, and maybe uncles prior to that, I always had like a really strong support system of family that kind of helped me get through it without having to ask those kind of harder questions to myself. What is grief? And how is this going to affect me? But my mom was really, it was really important to her after our dad passed away that we start to approach those questions. And that's something I'm going to be forever grateful for. Because I mean, that's how this book came about. You know, that's something I'm going to be forever grateful for because, I mean, that's how this book came about. You know, that's how I think I got to where I am today, where I can have these conversations.

And I'm willing to, like, you know, help other people maybe understand their grief, but also still working to understand my own. Definitely. Definitely. And I think that'll. No, it's good. It's fine. Ladies first. I was just going to say that I don't know if grief in general will ever stop being a work in progress for some people. That's just pretty much all I was going to say. I mean, I've been grieving myself for, oh, geez, five, six years now and i don't know some people i guess just everybody grieves differently and in their own time yeah i definitely agree oh yeah please oh no go ahead sorry i was just gonna say i totally agree i think like the idea is that you get over grief or that grief kind of disappears like I personally don't

align with that because I think it's like it's always going to be a part of you and an experience you had like feeding into your identity and so it's more like and there's so many good ways that people have like vocalized this and I wish I knew the authors that had said it but it's you're making space for grief in your life it's going to continue to take up space in your life and it's just a part of you and actually in the book the way that I kind of went about describing it is it's like another person that's now with you on your journey and you're kind of learning how to tolerate them when it's like you know a day maybe you don't want them around um but also like help them like feed into the good parts of your journey and all that. So there, yeah, there's really cool ways to think about it.

But I think a lot of people would agree that it's not something that goes away. Yeah. I like the way you put it. You befriended your grief. You befriended your grief. Yeah, there we go. I like the way that you put that. And I might try to figure out how to do that with my own grief. OK, look at the head higher. Taya, you're already changing the world. I don't know how I'm going to do it yet.

But at least, you know, you want to do it. It's kind of like the first step. The first step is accepting it, you know. So I was going to say, I'm actually we were talking about it earlier, especially with you coming on, because I think, you know, you mentioned my father before we started. He died in October of 21 from COVID or complications of COVID, as they say. And I grieved immediately. Like it was sad that moment, sad the next day, you know, it was sad for a while, but I never felt like I don't feel like I'm grieving anymore. And I feel like I didn't grieve enough. It's kind of like the thing I'm dealing with right now. So it was like when you came on, I was like, OK, we about to have this conversation because I'm like, it feels like I accepted it.

You know, I talked to my brothers and still now, you know, it's like every time they see a bag of his favorite chips, he's getting a picture. Or I'm getting a picture is what I meant to say. People are taking pictures and sending it to me and I'm like, they just carry it with them so heavy. But to me, I don't feel heavy about it. I feel like I'm a horrible person for real. I'm like, oh my God, I'm like the most horrible person ever because I miss my dad, but it's like, I don't know. I'm like, okay with it comes to me in waves. And so when my dad first passed away, that right away, like I know, I think immediately there's always the shock and the trauma that comes with that. And you do have to process that. And that is part of grief. But there were

a couple years there where I also wasn't really like, I guess, in tune with grief. It wasn't something that was taking up a huge part of my thoughts every day it was more like I had accepted it kind of how you described it there I was like this is just what happened and yeah it's a part of me and it's you know all this but it doesn't affect me maybe the way that other people are showing that it's affecting them like my mom who yeah like a favorite bag of chips or you know a favorite brand would show up and it's like immediately maybe tears or, or like a happiness of a memory that was, you know, reminded them of. And so I think it would be interesting to revisit this conversation with you even in three years and be like, you still feel that way? You know, it's going on two years now. And I just

like, ah, you know, my brother sent me a picture the other day and I was like, hey. But it's like I feel like sometimes I even forget about him. I'm about to sound real horrible. No. I feel like sometimes because I have a T-shirt, like all of us got T-shirts with a picture on it for his funeral. Because he didn't want like a reception, you call them a wake or whatever it is he wanted a barbecue he wanted everybody to get out and barbecue so that's what we did we barbecued um but i keep that t-shirt like in my passenger seat because i feel like i need to do things to remind me of his existence sometimes because i'm like so caught up in my own world that sometimes

i let it slip out my mind that number one, he existed. And even number one, that he's dead or number two, that he's dead. And it's like, it's no, my father didn't cause any trauma in me. So it's not like I hated him. I genuinely love my father. He was a great guy, you know, but it's just weird. I'm like, you know, I put the chips on the board, not because I saw him and I wanted to remember him, but because I want to make sure I remember him. You know, it's the things that I'm doing.

Because I feel like, I don't know, it's hard to explain. It looks like he has a passenger in his car. Like, that's, the shirt is open. That's actually kind of sweet, though. I do it because it's like, I don't want to forget forget him because I feel like there were moments where I forgot him. You know, and I was like, I don't never you know, I don't never I don't know what I'm going through mentally. And if this is normal or not normal, but I don't want to try to erase him from my life or who he was in my life. You know, if that isn't a classic example of somebody grieving their own way, I don't know what is.

You know? 100%. You know what I just do, though? But when I think of grief, I think of, like, sadness. Yeah, well, it's not always like that, right? I don't have, like, a sadness about it. You know, it's like my heart's not heavy. You know, I could sleep fine.

You know, it's like, ugh. Yeah, I think it's interesting. It bothered me that I didn't feel because, you know, I was constantly talking to my brothers. I'm sorry. She's like, you brought me up here for you to talk. No, I want to hear. This is so interesting because I do even write in the book about I'm like, it's the natural response to loss. And that can mean anything for anybody. So it's really a great opportunity to

hear people like you that have maybe this specific grief coping strategy. Like this is how it works for you. This is how you respond to loss. In my life, because I'm a trauma, I had a lot of trauma going up. If there was a situation that something negative happened to to you it would happen the molestation the childhood sicknesses and you know it was like a typical or not typical not so typical you know story book life but um it was a lot of trauma and pain so sometimes i feel like i'm just good with like processing pain because i had to process it for so long you know i'm in my 40s now so you know pain is just like eh what is pain you know so i process it and i feel I had to process it for so long. You know, I'm in my 40s now. So, you know, pain is just like, eh, what is pain? You know, so I process it and I feel like I just process it because I know how to.

And I process like everything. You know, and it's just, I don't know. I try to make excuses for it because it bothers me. It really does. I'm like, oh my God, it's my dad. I should be sad. I should be like, you know, people make posts or, oh, I miss John and I miss, you know, and it's like, I don't do that. And it's like, oh. I think it's really nice to hear that because I

bet you there's other people in that same situation as you, right? That have maybe, and they feel kind of unsettled with that, that being their response. But I know that it can be like so different for everybody and it will maybe change and evolve with time but it's interesting that you bring up it's like maybe also a product of all the previous trauma that's like led to this response right and I think um especially when it comes to grief we have to be like mindful that all of those experiences really feed into how we grieve and how we like understand each other's grief because we'll never really be able to understand each other's grief. I don't think we'll ever be completely able to understand each other, period.

100%. And so I think it's really nice that you share that, because I bet you other people are like, what's wrong with me? But I think it's also interesting when you say it's like, you're not sad. You don't feel like how people traditionally might say grief is very sad. And in my book, I kind of wrote, I was like, that's one of the really like kind of hard parts about grief and maybe a bit of a stigma around grief is that it is synonymous with sadness and longing and mourning. And it doesn't have to be it can be a really beautiful thing it might be different from what you're saying right now where it's like

it's just like not affecting me but it can also be like a really positive thing for people and that also kind of makes them feel like excluded from that conversation of grief which isn't fair to you to that right and so it's kind of nice to hear those stories and hear that different grief approach to grief. I think I have a different approach to everything. He is not wrong. He is not wrong. But let's talk a little bit about your grief. Yeah. That's okay. Let's talk a little bit about you. So, I mean, 13, your dad passed. I'm guessing people are trying to figure out how to explain it to you. What is, like, do you remember your thoughts as a 13-year-old?

Yeah, like to an extent. And actually one of the things that, one of the topics in my book I talk about is I'm not a reliable narrator. I'm going to say that upfront right now, because I think one of my responses to grief and trauma, I think for many people is not remembering things 100% accurately, right. Or kind of creating maybe these other perceptions of it as a way to cope. But I do have some vague memories of the day and what my mom was trying to tell me. And after that,

my mom trying to explain that, you know, it's not necessarily a bad thing. Like there's a lot of stigma around suicide and self-harm. And it's not necessarily something that is, we should feel guilt over, even though a lot of people that are suicide loss survivors feel a ton of guilt. And so a lot of those conversations, especially for a young adult who's going through transitional phases, you know, as a woman, and even just in life, it was a lot to kind of wrap my head around. And I think it still is. And it's still one of those topics that I'm like, not totally sure where I fall on it. And I'm not totally sure like what I work confident in like an opinion. I don't think I have an opinion on it, but I do know that how it affected my grief is different from, for instance, my mom, because it is a bit of a, I do feel a bit of guilt as I do. I think most people who are suicide loss survivors.

And so that part of it, I think is a little bit different. And that's, it also just goes into how grief can manifest so differently. Now, was it like that you felt you should have done something or you felt you could have known? Was it that kind of the grief that you went through? Absolutely. So with my dad, he was kind of like a jock athlete, very quiet type. And so even if he was having mental health issues, we would have never known. And he wouldn't really have been one to talk about that just because it would have been very out of character. And I'm hoping by talking about it now that those types of people and those personalities know that it's okay to talk about it. It can be a part of your personality. It's okay for men to talk about it because I think it's a, you know, it's a stigma of weakness and it's not, you know, it's definitely not.

Absolutely. If anything, it's strength, you know, to be able to talk about, I know you talk about that a lot on this podcast about like the strength of just having, owning your mental health and exploring it. So, yeah, I think there was a bit of guilt that like, obviously, we felt like we weren't there to help, you know, like he was going through all of this. And we didn't even know. And I think that you still feel now. Sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. No. Yeah. Like it is something I'd say to this day. It's like, I'll even think about

something. I'm like, you know, how did I not think of that? Like before, I mean, I was 13, you know, and my sister was like, I'm obviously like, we also didn't even know much about mental health. Like at that time, it wasn't as talk about it. And I think even now, like the stigma, and I think that's a big reason we do the podcast is because, you know, it's therapy and pills and nobody wants to do that. And it's like, wait, it's more than those things are okay. We're never saying they're not, but for people who don't want to try it, try this angle, you know, but still try it because trauma is real. Yeah. Nobody's like, and I think it's like, nobody's perfect parent. So there's always going to always be things too, that you can work on and improve on and trauma that you're going to have, even if it's in like not a huge form compared to somebody else.

I mean, I don't believe in comparing trauma. You know what? You took the words out of my mouth, but that's how I'm going to say. I know sometimes some people, Rebecca's actually known for doing it because she'll say sometimes like, well, I haven't been through as much as you have. And I'm like, that doesn't mean crap. Because if the worst pain you felt in your life was a paperclip, that equals my cancer. If that is the worst pain you ever felt and is the worst pain I ever felt, we're ultimately feeling the same thing. Just bad ass pain.

So it's like, you know, with you, no comparison. I just wanted to stop just to emphasize that point that, you know, you shouldn't be comparing trauma or grief with anything anybody else is doing. It's OK to get help. It's OK to seek help because it should not be this person has more or less than me. I mean, I feel like sometimes it's bad when people tell you to be grateful for what you have, because I feel like it's like with that gratefulness, they also give you guilt. Yeah. You know, be grateful for it, but also feel guilty about it because these people don't have it. And it's like, stop comparing. Thank you. Yes.

I agree. And I think it creates also like this expectation of resilience out of people that haven't maybe suffered a certain type of trauma or compare if you're going to compare, right? Like they people are like, well, you should be resilient because you haven't. But I'm like, if anything, like what you just said, how you had all this trauma in your childhood maybe prepared you to be able to handle grief and coping with loss a lot better than somebody that hasn't. At the end of the day, the goal is that everyone's mentally healthy. And if you have to recover from a paper clip cut to be mentally healthy, let's make sure you do that. Definitely. But if you are doing that, that you really are crazy, so you should definitely

seek help. I'm with you. So, okay. So that happened. You get kind of living your life now without dad and you're growing and you're aging and you're becoming wiser and now mom. Yeah. And so I think that was kind of the, a bit of a shock that comes because I, you don't think you're going to be a part of that small percent of people that will lose both their parents before they're, I was 18 when my mom passed away. So before turning 19, and my mom just. You're still a teenager. Yep. I was still, yeah, I was in my teens when all of this happened.

And my sister was only 11 and 16 when all of this happened. And my sister was only 11 and 16 when all of this happened. So yeah, it was, it was obviously like just a shock and it was an accident. She was on a, riding a motorbike. She was a hobby motorbike rider. It was awesome. She was so cool. And it just was a fluke accident. And so, yeah, another kind of traumatic loss in that it was unprepared, you know. There was no way to know. No way to know. And so, yeah, that grief came very differently. I was now an adult. We now inherited a lot of responsibility, that being my mom and dad's lives and all their things.

And so I kind of got to see like two very different experiences of grief because of these kinds of situations and how they played into each other, which I think has been the most interesting for me. Were you more angry with your mom? I wasn't angry actually. So I'm more like angry at the world. That was how I was describing it. Because I, a lot of people actually were really angry that my mom chose to continue to pursue like being a motorbike rider. And she was a little bit of an adrenaline junkie. She like did skydiving as a kid, like all this stuff. So some of my, my like extended friends and family and communities were a little upset with her for the choice. And I always said, like, and I say something, I stay strong. I'm like, I can't ever be upset with her for that because she showed us how to

live life despite feeling all of this grief and all of these, like, you know, she dealt with a little bit of the mental health stuff after my dad died, you know, as a fair result of being widowed in that way. And so she taught us that we should continue doing the things that we love and finding like things to love in the world. And so I was never angry at, you know, making the choice to like continue riding motorbikes. It must've been meant for you to answer the question that way. Cause that wasn't my question. Okay. No, I guess what my question was, but that was a good answer. I was like, okay,

we're just going to let her go because part of your grief, like more angry with your mom than it was your dad. Yeah. Like I was angry at like the situation way more so with my mom than my dad. I think knowing when my dad died, I felt very supported with my mom. My mom was an incredible, she was a nurse. So she also was like very aware of health and caring for people. Yeah. But like losing that, and she was probably a big source of my strength and my grief, like support just throughout my life and would have been, that was what really kind of got me. It was like, oh my goodness, like, how am I going to do this now without her? The one that kind of helped me grieve before. And you have something now, you have your little sister that's looking to you. I'm looking to her. I feel like a lot of the time she's like, she's so tough. I really like grateful. That's one of the things I'm most grateful for is that I have a sibling to go through this with that can actually relate to.

And I can have those conversations about my parents that nobody else really would have known. Yeah, so I'm really grateful for her. And it's been a lot of kind of interesting fun to learn about how she deals with things versus how I deal with it. That was going to be my next question. Did she have a harder time than you or did hers kind of seem lesser? That's hard to say because I think like a lot of her, she copes very differently than I do. I've been a bit more open.

I mean, I'm the one that went to publish a book. She's like, that would never be in her cards. She's been kind of the close to it. Like why you killing our business 100 and i feel bad to this day i'm like this wasn't really my story alone to tell like it is like the story of kind of us and so i did ask for her permission prior to doing this and i i'll keep trying to check in and make sure she's okay with me sharing these parts of our lives but it has been interesting to like, see that

she grieves very differently than me, even though we've had these similar experiences. Definitely. I guess each person is made differently for real, for real, you know? Totally. I saw in one of your TikToks that you have five reasons you have a beef with May. Yes. Well, I wanted you to tell our listeners what your beefs are with May. Would love to. I think it's just funny because all of these things seem to fall in this month. So the first one is it is Mental Health Awareness Month. And I'm very grateful for that. However, I think a lot of us that have dealt with mental health issues and are very present in these conversations, it can be a bit of a heavy time as well, right? And I mean, for you,

I bet you guys are also feeling that way. Then the other one. And that's why I keep squeezing it. And then's like, and then you know what it is too, having to ask people the hard conversation. I mean the hard questions sometimes it's like, you ask them really to relive this moment. I'm sorry. No, it's great.

I love the pillows. I seen them in the other videos and I was like, that's so smart. Honestly, I should be getting a pillow here. I'm going to send you one. So send me your address and we're going to send you one. Thank you. Yeah. So that's my first quorum with May. The second one is it is Asian Heritage Month.

And so it is also like all those conversations and being a part of the Asian community and Asian Canadian community. Yeah, there's just a lot of things I want to get involved in and I want to, you know, do, but it also revives. I'm a descendant of the internment camps in Canada, the Japanese internment camps post-World War II. So it does bring up some of those kind of feelings around that and those conversations that are being had right now in the Japanese Canadian community. So yeah, another kind of layer. The third one is my mom did pass away on May 5th. And so May starts off kind of, here we go. Death anniversary. Mother's Day is in May. Obviously another day where I'm kind of like, oh, it's annoying. And then May 12th is her birthday. And sometimes that falls on Mother's Day. Right.

Yeah. And it's this year, right? This year? Not this year. Thankfully, it wasn't this year. I think May 14th was. But yeah, it's like every couple years. So yeah, there's just a lot of days in May where I'm like, I would normally just prepare myself if I am going to have a bad day.

Yeah. Yeah. And there was one that some tequila. Yeah. When I saw this, I thought, Oh, yeah, I will forever the rest of my days think of May as Taya. This is just terrible. I'm I mean, bless you. Oh, no. Thank you. But yeah, I was like, it's just always I found it kind of ironic. It's like there's something funny about this month and I always feel like a little bit differently. My energy's off this month and I'm like, you know what? Let's own it. This is just a month for me.

My mom passed in March and my birthday is in March and I knew she was going to pass soon. And I love my birthday for a lot of reasons. But, um, so it's also her husband's birthday. I just wanted to point that out. Isn't that pretty cool? That is cool. Four years apart. He's older.

Just had to point that out. That is cool. would just ruin my whole life. Sorry, I'm not laughing. I know, that's horrible. I'm laughing because I know how serious you are. I know that sounds horrible, but I, because I grieve my mother to this day. You know, I just, yeah, that's all I can say about that. That's fair. I'm sorry. No, it didn't fall.

Right. It's not the same day. I just want to- No, it did 20 days later. Okay. Okay. I'm glad for you because yeah, it's never fun if you have to combine these dates, whether it be a good date, a bad date, a bad date, and a bad date. Let's just keep some time, some separation, give ourselves a moment. I also hated the month of May. Why do you hate it? Because in Virginia, they have these flies. They're called Mayflies.

Oh, Jesus. And they just be stinging you, and there's no escaping that. They don't have them in just Virginia. They have them here, too. Well, I haven't experienced them here yet, So I'm just telling you about my experience and, and, and they will last the whole month of May until June when the dragonflies came out and then the dragonflies used to eat them and that's how they disappeared. But you had to deal with them for the whole month of May. If you wanted to do any outside activity, you could not do it. And here we are pouring our hearts out about our feelings and our grief. And he comes up in here talking about mayflies.

That's grief. It is. Right. They used to hurt. I don't understand. It's grief. And here you are not even grieving your dad. I mean, like everybody else in the world.

No, I just, look look now i'm all nervous because i'm like i've been here i don't live i don't live in virginia no more so i'm like i haven't seen a daggone mayfly in certain areas it's 22 days it wasn't to belittle those mayflies find micah tonight no No. I promise. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. It sounds a little traumatic. I'm not going to lie.

It honestly was very, very traumatic, okay? Oh, my gosh. It's funny. I think I grieve, like, a lot of, like, okay, so let's talk about that. That's weird. Because I grieve, like, let me have a pen that i like and that pen run out of ink i grieve that pen oh my god you don't understand i ain't never gonna find a pen like this pen yeah this pen is the greatest thing ever like my heart hurts like it causes sleepless

nights oh lord because i can't find and i'm serious though i am serious though real i got like i got rid of a car to get a newer car i couldn't sleep for three weeks think about my baby like oh we had some good times together maybe you know there's like some subconscious grief manifestation happening in that pen you know from your dad like you never know no i've been like this my whole life if i lose a toy a penny a dollar if i lose something i know i had and i know i had it and i don't have it no more i cry so no wonder he's worried about the fact that he's not grieving his dad the way he thinks he should right i grieve everything like crazy but you know what's also okay i always i

believe he's with me you know i'm saying it's like i'm agree something that's healed well that's a good point huh i get that i get that i feel like when you can make a lot of peace with the ideas, like for me, it's like my parents live on through the memories. And as long as I keep like the memory of them, they're with, you know, they're with me and they're with my communities. And that's kind of also part of publishing the book is to like have those memories and kind of legacies live on a little bit. But yeah, like it gives me a lot of comfort in knowing that, you know, and I don't feel sad or, you know, the kind of ideas that we're talking about, sadness, longing, mourning over it. It's kind of like, oh, that's nice. Yeah. Like I can go on and do other things

now. Well, also I feel like my father, I always have that question, like, will my father be proud of me? So that I do think a lot, like, will he be proud of me so that i do think a lot like will he be proud of me like i just cursed out this old woman will my dad be proud of me no absolutely why wouldn't he be i mean sometimes that's the only like questions i do be having because you know we actually are i just gotta brag a little bit we are number 23 rank number 23, ranked number 23 out of the top 100 mental health, no, health and fitness podcasts. We're ranked number 23. We're ranked number 7 in mental health podcasts.

Amazing. Why? That is to be proud of. I feel like you're actually about to come out and tell me I'm being punked. Yeah. It's like a little... Don't do it, Ashton. Don't. Please don't do it.

Y'all would just destroy me. You hear me? I scream really loud when I'm scared. So don't come out. No taking. I scare them all the time. He does. We work together and have day jobs, which we say in just about every podcast.

Right. I've heard that. A job that I don't want to be at no more. That's why I'm glad to be seven right now. Because I'm like, can I become syndicated? I don't know who I need to talk to, what powers to be. Yeah. You know, let us talk about these fucking feelings.

Let's talk about them. No, I think I appreciate the episodes i've listened to i've really appreciated the way that you dive into it the not being scared to broach these conversations and ask those questions because i do think that there are things that people think and people are curious about um and yeah seeking some answers around so that's's awesome. Definitely proud of. Yeah. Thank you. I feel like I kind of went through, I don't know, my moment of trying to discover who I was. And in order to properly do that, I had to take like a little memory trip to all my trauma. I had to go visit them for a little bit, you know, and hang out with them, but learn from them. And, and because I did that, I finally felt peace a little bit. You know,

I was like able to rest and relax and it was like, okay, kind of cool. Like everybody should feel this way. You know, it did. Uh, one thing that I think people hate is that it made me really love everybody. Right. Cause I'm like, if people legit went through anything close to what I went through, they've been through some shit. So, you know what? You are entitled to that attitude you got today. You know,

so that's just me. Like you're entitled to this stuff. I agree. I agree with you on that. Oh, no, I was just thinking about, um, I agree with you on that. Oh, no, I was just thinking about something you had said in one of your other things I saw today about the things that you like to hear about.

Like people used to tell you stories about your mother and father and hear about the memories and stuff. That was one of your favorite things and helped you get through and so forth. And I just wrote that on my paper and I just happened to look down and that's what I was thinking about just now. In the middle of my tirade. Yeah. Ain't paying me no mind. You see, this is why we good co-hosts. You don't pay me no mind.

Yeah. Let's get back to the point. I kind of this is why we good co-hosts. You don't pay me no mind. Let's get back to the point. I kind of wanted to go back to grief a little bit and more specifically your grief. So at what point in your life did you realize that was happening? Like this is grief and I need to do something with it because it's not good right now. Yeah. So it would have been probably in my like 15, 16 year old after my dad had passed away. And I, I, for a long time kind of ignored it. It was something that I did not want to think about. Didn't want to talk about. I went to school, back to school, trying to pretend like nothing happened. I didn't want to be treated differently. I didn't want to have to talk about it. Um, and so I, that was kind of my coping mechanism for a long

time was just ignore it. Let's put it behind us. We'll get to it one day. And I started to, I think, approach that and I was about 15 and 16. And I was like, going through a couple things. And I realized, I think this might be grief. I was like having kind of these mental health moments of like a lot of anxiety, and different thoughts. And I was like, honestly, I bet you maybe this has to do with, you know, grief. Cause a lot of it comes back to thoughts about my dad and thoughts about my dad's choice and all of these things. And I was like, okay, why am I feeling yourself about making that choice? Yeah. I think that like a lot of people that are suicide loss survivors kind of scare themselves with that.

And if you do have bad days or you do have certain other mental health conditions, you might be like, oh, my goodness, like, is this something that I have the capacity to do? And I think that's also something that a lot of people don't talk about within that community and that are suicide loss survivors, that these, it becomes a little bit more real. Maybe it wasn't something I thought about prior to the loss of my dad, but I thought about it a lot more after the loss of my dad as something that's just to think about because I'm trying to work through the grief of my dad, but also like what causes people, you know, to get to that point? Or is it is it even that big of a deal? Like, is it or is it just a one day bad day kind of thing? And it was hard for us because I think my dad, it took.

How bad does that day have to be if it's just one day? Exactly. No, 100 percent. And how much of it is a mental health like instability or, you know, just a bad mood. Right. And I think that these are all, obviously I'm not a mental health professional, so I'm not going to speak to you. Neither are we. And just to put out a disclaimer, I'm going to have all the numbers down. If you even think about hurting yourself a little bit, there are people that you can call, people that can help. And if it's an emergency dial dial 911. Easy number, right? Get the help that you need. If it's not an emergency, still get the help you need. And if it ain't even close to that,

you still need some help. So get it. Okay, go ahead, take it away. I really appreciate you saying that because I think that that also is part of it that people don't recognize is how severe does my mental health condition need to be before I seek treatment. And if you're thinking about it, just try, just try it out and see what it'll do. I think there's so many things that just becoming a better person, becoming, you know, more comfortable with yourself, therapy, and like talking about it, that's a great step just to getting to probably where you want to go. Definitely. And if it's not therapy, because people don't like the phrase therapy, they're specialists. And there's people, there is somebody in this world that is feeling what you're feeling.

And it's not exactly like you're feeling, but it's pretty damn close. I see a therapist and I take medication. So, you know, what works works. And I was seeing a therapist until she quit on me, but we not gonna talk about that. I've heard about that in other episodes. I'm gonna give her name one day. I'm gonna give her name one day. Yeah. I hope you can find another one at some point that also resonates with you. It's bad because I kind of, I didn't want, like I don't want to be prescribed medicine in our first conversation.

Honestly, I think he gets what he needs through this podcast and the amount of talking he does and advice he receives. He is the most level-headed. I don't know what the word is I'm looking for. But I think he's alright.

A lot of people come to him for advice. And to him for like therapy. You know what i mean so i don't know i don't know counseled so i i am good to talk to but don't everybody call me at one time i need a little bit of sleep so if you call me and I'll answer, I'll tell you. Oh, amazing. Yeah, I think that's also interesting because, like, while, you know, therapy might work for some people, one of the things I've been exploring lately is, like, community, like, support as a way of, like, therapy,

like a way of, like, working through trauma and getting to know grief. And I think that overemphasis on therapy has also taken away sometimes the value that community and just, yeah, sitting here and talking about it can be for mental health and grief. It's helped me. I was trying to think of, you know, steps we give people. So we know number one is to have a safe place,

find your safe place, y'all agree the number two is find your community after you find that safe place where you feel safe and you're not at harm find your community and do it because Taya says so no and while you're at it go buy her book yeah maybe you want to learn more about grief well we're definitely gonna get it right but every author that comes up here i need an autograph copy yes oh i don't know how we need to do that we'll pay for it but i just i need my autograph copy okay i'll send you the autograph copy for a pillow all right I have to ask everybody that for us so now you're going to a festival this weekend uh yeah so in Toronto there's like a literary um kind of outdoor festival it's free for everybody to attend um and they're going to

be a lot of authors and people, panelists speaking about writing and publishing. And so I thought it'd be just kind of fun to get involved, get out there and share about my book, share a little bit more about grief and share some grief resources. So yeah, I'm excited for it. Okay. Go ahead and share some of them with our people too. Yeah. So I think a lot of the uh centers in toronto i'm going to be talking sharing about i'm creating i'm in the process right now of creating grief zines you guys know zines right like the little books um they like it's an origami kind of style and it shares like information you print them and you can mass produce them they're free like you

pick them up um so sharing information just about that also i'm going to probably for asian heritage month share some information about specific asian um mental health support systems and groups so that yeah that identity um and then like um intersectionality can be captured uh for people because i think that's something i'm currently still working to find for myself um so everything that i have found I'm just going to put them into a little booklet and I'll love to share them with you guys when I'm done them. And yeah, that's kind of some of the things I'm going to do. And in the essence of Asian Heritage Month, I'm also making a bunch of origami bookmarks that I'm giving out. Oh, wow. Well, it is Agent Harris' one. Go ahead.

School us on somebody real quick. What you got for us? I mean, I like, what do you want to know? I know, right? Somebody you think I should know. Oh, I try. I don't know if there's anybody I specifically would say like I idolize in the community. I think that there's a lot of really good accounts like RepresentAsian

and RepresentAsian just had a new kind of initiative started that's going to be called Blossom and it's starting to talk specifically about Asian mental health and providing resources for Asian mental health. So I'm really excited to see what they do because their RepresentAsian Instagrams and the people that are involved in that are really great and they're always on top of the news that i like to follow um and yeah there's a couple other creators and i can send you a list that you can share if you want we will share all information yeah definitely we'll have the links to your book and all that good stuff definitely yeah so now tell us a little bit about your book i know you

did it in the beginning but give us you know what can we yeah so it's a poem yeah no worries it's a mix of poems and prose so poetry has been kind of one of the mediums that i have found a lot of um like support and confidence through just by reading other people's work. It's short form. I like things that are very short form, accessible, digestible. I want to be able to read it and understand it right away. And I was hoping that I wrote that this book in that way. So that it's not academic or, you know, kind of inaccessibly written in a way that, you know, anybody should be able to pick it up and kind of get what I'm trying to say. And so that was kind of the main reason behind mixing poems and prose as well, because people want to read different types of things like that work for them. And some

people like poetry, some people like stories. So I did a little bit of both and it kind of follows the events that have happened in my life and talking about my experience with grief. But I hope it's not just me sharing like my experience, my trauma, but sharing a bit more about what grief is for me and a way that can help maybe someone else understand their grief and know they're not alone thinking these things about grief. Right. Essentially, you've given them a voice. I hope so. Or opportunity to like, yeah, understand their own voice and understand their own thoughts. Right. So now I know you talk a lot about like the Asian community. Is that something you recommend for someone to like find their community when it comes to, you know, like therapy and those kind of things?

Yeah. So actually, this is something I'm more recently become like interested in exploring because I understood that for me, like the intersectionality of grief is really important for me because I wrote this book to talk about that specific nuance being young adult grief. And I was like, there are all of these kind of intersecting identity points that will feed into how you experience grief and what you ultimately walk away with or walk with with your grief. And so for me, I wanted to get to know a bit more about my culture and the experience of the Japanese internment camps in Canada, because I would think, and I wrote a little bit about this in my book that could have also played into my dad's mental health being a product, you know, of that community. And there is actually not a lot of work in being done or having been done about that. I have a friend that is working on it though, like exploring the kind

of generational trauma that come out of the internment camps in Canada. Because that would be also just another thing that might help my grief to understand like, oh, maybe this fed into my dad's decision, you know, and it is important, I think, in general, all cultures, all communities, all people deal with grief a little bit differently. And then even the way that they speak about it. And so knowing that about yourself and knowing that about maybe other people is another way to understand your own grief, understand communal grief. And I think it would be helpful if you're seeking community to seek it like within your identity to see you know maybe you

have more shared experiences with someone and you want to talk to them about that um so yeah it's been helpful for me to find a bit of a Japanese Canadian community that is exploring mental health conversations because I can relate to that a lot more maybe than some of my other communities um now is mental health something that people are actually talking about in those communities or is it still kind of like a work in progress? Luckily, I found a couple that are very mental health like advocacy and is like centered around mental health. But yeah, there are other groups that I take part in and communities that I'm like, this would be a really good opportunity to maybe introduce talking about mental health. And I think that I'm lucky in Toronto, there is a lot of people that are kind of on the same wavelength as us. And, you know, mental health is health, it is important, it is, it should be a part of our conversations to as much of our capacity. And so I'm glad that I do, for the most part, have those communities. But I want to make sure that other communities can also feel the same way. And, you know, we kind of co-sign with that because, you know, I feel like we shouldn't be miserable even on Earth.

You know, like it's OK to look for paradise. You know, what everybody believes. That's cool. But can we have a little bit right here too? Right now we are, I don't know, our world is going crazy and grief is a big part of the reason why the world is going crazy. Grieving, you know, people are grieving people they don't even know because of the way things are happening as well. You know, and some people aren't able to process that, you know. No. And people aren't recognizing when grief is becoming like a large part of feeding into their mental health. I think those like conversations and kind of what you're alluding to, like communal grief, the pandemic being a great example of the loss of people due to COVID-19, but also the loss of lifestyle and jobs.

And, you know, there was a ton of communal grief and you can kind of see it, how it impacted the mental health of people. And now, I mean, I think people are focusing a lot more on it now that we have that kind of tangible example of this is what happened. Yeah, I also think that- There's a lot of residual grief, I think too,

like the after effects and aftermath. It's horrible. Well, COVID was stupid. So now, even though we're on a heavy topic, right, we kind of want to end on a little

cool area. So we're going to learn some about you, okay? We're going to learn a little few things about we're gonna learn some about you okay we're gonna learn a little few things about you okay number one who is your favorite celebrity you're gonna put me on the spot like this oh my goodness well we're trying here that is a really hard one off the top of my head because I honestly, I don't know if I could say I have a favorite celebrity. Michelle Oh right now is really popular with, you know, all of the movies that she's come out in lately. That is really good. I also don't watch a lot of TV and movies, which doesn't help. That means I can't go into my next question.

Oh, what is it? Guilty pleasures. Like, what is something that you watch and that you can watch over and over, but if people knew you watched it, they'd be like, what the hell? I'm going to say The Office for you. I've never seen The Office. Oh, my God. I see Michael on some of your TikToks, and I'm like, he must be an office lover. No, I haven't actually seen The Office.

I did like Big Bang Theory in that genre of comedy and whatnot. Yeah, I don't watch a ton of TV. You know, I did love and I binged and I probably would binge it again in Sex and the City. The original one. Yeah. I actually never saw it and I had a friend who was obsessed with it. So I've seen like episodes here and there because when I was with her I had no choice but to watch it.

But I never knew what was going on. You know? You gotta watch it top to bottom, I think. And I was really confused. I'm like, I don't know what's going on. I don't know why you're crying. What's happening? You know, what's another good one is Mixed-ish. That one I recently watched. And like I when I when I do I'm like, I watched that one. It's been on my list for a while. And it's like the the part of Black blackish and changed

ish i think but i watched mixed ish because i'm mixed and apparently there's a lot of like there was a good it was a good representation for a mixed biracial community and it was i really liked that one okay and it was it's called what again mixed ish oh mixed ish oh okay i'm blackish but i don't think i've seen i think i know what you're talking about. So I haven't watched it yet either. Okay, we got to get to that. Now, 13-year-old Taya, what color would you have described your grief at that time, if you could was red. And it's funny you ask that because I have a poem in my book that talks about like emotions as colors. And red is like in that, and in theory that I learned from my therapist at the time was red was like angry and uncertain and anxious. And I think that was my 13-year-old grief for sure. And what is it now?

What color is it now? Blue. Blue being kind of like calm, confident, but still curious about kind of all of what's going on and the effects that it'll be and the conversations that I'll have about this in five years from now will probably be very different than what it is now. So in like the simplest way you can put it, what do you attribute

going from red to blue? I think the first thing was claiming the grief and really accepting that this was a part of me and then, and then allowing myself because I claimed it, like step one, to work through it and work on it. And as I say, kind of befriend it. Like, I feel like I'm kind of friends with grief most days now and I'm comfortable, you know, moving through life, knowing this is a part of my identity. This is going to be like contributing to a lot of my experiences and how I see the world. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. It doesn't mean I'm sad, but it's just a really interesting part of my perspective now. Right. And your healing process, and no one can tell

you what your healing process is. Yeah. We're all on our own journeys here. Definitely. Definitely. And I think that's what, you know, it's like no two things look like kind of situation. And I think just in this conversation, we've seen that, you know, but it's also cool because it's everybody in between. So, you know, it's kind of cool. So now last question. Go ahead. No, no, no. I was just saying I like that. Any questions you have for us? Well, I mean, depending on how much time we have, I would love to hear a little bit more about Rebecca's grief. But I don't know if that's...

Yeah, because I know that earlier in this episode, you felt something when it came to when you're talking about your mom. And if you're comfortable, I'd love to hear kind of what you were feeling in that moment. Sure. Well, my mom and I, when I was younger, weren't very close because I had four other siblings, two before me and two after me. They were two sets of twins. So, yeah, my mom was pretty busy. So I was kind of just all by myself a lot of the time. And that's kind of why my birthday is so important to me as well.

They shared their birthdays together. It was a big deal. So I always made my birthday a big deal to myself. And then as I got older, my mom started paying a little bit more attention to me. I think intellectually, maybe I was just a little bit more ahead of my siblings. So she started paying more attention to me. And as I grew older, we began getting more and more close. And by the time she passed, she called me her sunshine to my sister's dragon. And that just kind of resonated with me. My sister And she's very outspoken, very direct, very loud, very brass. And I am more passive, more calm, more understanding.

And so that was one of the last things my mom said to me. And so she and I, she was always that person that I could call when I had nobody else or, sorry. So if I had to yell or scream or whatever, she would just listen. And I just miss that a lot. Because I don't, I don't really have that in anyone else. But I, there are times that I find it difficult to even get out of bed. I'm sorry. No, never apologize. Um, I don't grieve the death of my dad any longer. I feel like I grieved him way differently than I did my mom. That was a long time ago. That was about 16 years ago a really nice thing for me this past Mother's Day.

Um, I've always wanted a bench near my mom's graves or headstone so that I can sit and talk with her. And, um, he built a bench, um, that we can put there. Unfortunately, the cemetery doesn't allow those sorts of things. So I've decided to put her name on a plaque and put it on the bench and just put it out. It's in the shaded area of my backyard where I plant flowers and just have it there. It's kind of just a way for me to maybe go out there and just act like she's there and talk to her kind of thing you know I don't know but I I just I don't know how to I don't know get a hold of grief I guess mm-hmm no I I get that I get like to an extent I get the not having that person to call that, you know, my mom also was kind of my, she got it. I could go call and scream and she'd get it and she said the right things.

And, you know, that's kind of irreplaceable, right? It's hard to find somebody that's going to also give you that space and comfort. And I hope this bench gives you a little bit of, you know, that that's missing. Now, can we speak about this bench tale? Can we talk about this bench? She say I'm her best friend, right? Why I didn't know about the bench and Crystal knew about the bench oh the bench me all she over here in tears about this damn bench and the first time i heard about it was from somebody else we supposed to be close you just weren't there and number two she was over here describing her sister and i I'm like, this bitch over here talking about me.

You guys are kind of similar, aren't you? Right. I'm like, everything's lame. Like, damn. Hold up. Say one more thing. This podcast is about to be over. You're a dragon, huh?

Right. I was like, damn. But they did say I got the fire. Oh. Right. I was like, damn. But they did say I got the fire. Oh. Right. That part. But no, I'm really upset about this bench. So I just had to bring it up.

I know it was an insensitive moment. But we have a three-way text. So I'm going to introduce you. Come on, Crystal. You got to come in. Yeah. You're going to see us in the background. It don't matter.

It don't matter. It don't matter. We didn't put up a wall. She don't even know how to work the mouse. This is Crystal, our producer. Crystal, tell your Crystal. Hi, Crystal. Crystal knew about this damn bench.

I did. So, Rebecca sends a picture in the group text talking about nothing. She just sent a bench. So, then Crystal's like, oh, he made the bench for you. And I'm like, why the fuck is she sending me a picture of her bench he made it oh he made it for you and I was like yo they've been talking behind my back is there a reason I'm about to grieve this friendship

you were talking about it he wasn't there I don't know where you were I think you left early Is there a reason? I'm about to grieve this friendship. We were talking about it. He wasn't there. I don't know where you were. I think you left early. But it wasn't important enough for you to tell me about this friendship. It was important. Can I sit on the bench? No. Yeah, you can sit on the bench.

I can. There's going to be a plaque on it. There's just going to be a little plaque. That's why we keep Crystal off camera. Because she come out with stuff like that. No, you're so mean.

I'm sorry. I had to lighten the mood a little bit. Rebecca was over here crying. And I really did think I made that all about me when she was describing her sister. I said, yo, she's always good talking about me. I love my sister to death. I do. And she's a great person to have in your corner when you need a tiger or dragon.

But she is. She is hellfire, I tell you. But my mom just saw her as. But you know what I think? I think that you found your mom, that unconditional, nonjudgmental person that you've always looked for. And eventually she became that. And it's pretty cool that she died after she became that. So you can always remember that your mom was your best friend in the end. And don't have to worry or think about.

Of course, you got to think about it, but not think about. Because, you know, I'm thinking about it now. Sorry, but two sets of twins, like maybe you were the one, you know, it's like the strongest one. They always cast aside kind of thing. Like maybe you didn't get the attention you needed when you were younger because she really was so busy with the other four kids. When she could focus on you, she did. And it sounds like when she did pass, you guys were best friends. So if it's hard to see it any other kind of way, it's okay to see it like that, you know?

Yeah. You know, you got to a place, it could have been worse. You could have never got better. You know? And that is not to minimize what you're feeling. No, I get it. I'm never trying to do that. No, I know. But it'm never trying to do that.

No, I know. But it kind of gives it a different perspective. You know, it's like, wow, you guys, you know, it's kind of cool to say, you know, I was texting with somebody the other day and he was like, what you doing? I was like, hang on my mom. And he was like, I wish I could still hang with my mom. And I was like, damn, that's deep. So I'm like, I never take it for granted. Trust.

I never do. But he actually was like, he did really jacked up things to his mom. So it was like, he never got to repair that relationship. There are times if I hear somebody disrespecting their mother or whatever, wishing they didn't have to listen to their mother, I sometimes get a little angry. But then I remind myself, I don't know what their relationship's like, you know? So, you know, it's not for me to judge, but I still wish I had my mom to fight with, you know? But it's good that you're talking about it. And it was very dope. I haven't talked about that part on any podcast yet. That was kind of the reason I invited her on because I'm like, I am not crazy by myself. You need this too.

So could you go ahead and come to my co-host? I love it. You guys have done wonderfully. It's been really nice. And I'm glad that you shared that, Rebecca, because I was like, there's something there. And you know what? It's nice to hear when people are experiencing that grief kind of live in the moment. It's nice to hear what they're thinking. And there's other people that will be able to resonate with that. And I hear parts of that and I'm like, yeah, I get that. And it brings me back to those moments. And we're not alone in this. We're here together and we can get through it together. That's pretty dope. As you opened the door that was closed for so long. So that was

pretty cool of you. So I think you're going to do awesome in your field. If people wanted to contact you and reach you, how would they do it? Yeah, it's i have a website you can contact me there at www.tamacado.com or on instagram at tamacado um yeah i'm just gonna be exploring more grief things and i'm also currently in law school right now so i'm just trying to finish that because i might need a lawyer i've been a little preoccupied in law school with the book. So it's not going to be that much trauma. It's just going to be a little bit. Like I just need to get off for like 68 indictments. No, I'm just joking. I ain't even going to play like that. I'm knocking on wood.

Okay. I have one now. Because I was thinking about, you ever had, like, somebody sweep your feet? And they're like, you're going to jail. Have y'all ever heard that? I've never heard that term, actually. I know. So, I'm from Virginia, and I guess they have weird superstitions, right? But one of them was, like, never sweep somebody's feet.

Because if you sweep their feet, they're going to jail. So, like, when people are sweeping and they went past your feet, like, people will legit fight over this. Like, you trying to send me to jail. So like when people are sweeping and they went past your feet, like people will legit fight over this. Like you trying to send me to jail. Virginia is weird. I have no idea what you're talking about. Just like a superstition. Do you ever have like a superstition that you think of or that you heard like your whole life and now you think of and it's like, what the hell is that? I remember I had a family friend that, like, whenever they heard sirens or anything, they had to scratch, while they were driving, scratch the roof of their car so that, you know, like, nothing bad would come to them. That's a little weird. Yeah. Yeah.

My mom has really big purses on the floor or on the bed. Do not put no purse on the floor, on the bed if not put no purse on the floor on the bed if she around you might get smacked okay she from the old school she gonna smack now and ask questions later so for a whole year i would tell her rebecca to keep her damn purse off the floor she's got me all psyched out now and then she's like why and i'm like i don't know but don't do it because my mama is gonna fuck me up for letting you do it. One day I had a hat in the office. This is the funniest story to me.

So she has a hat in the office one day. Our offices are like six feet away from each other, maybe. Probably a little longer than that. But still, really, really close. She calls me on our teams through a video chat, which we're now video chatting from the next office. And she was like, can I ask you a question? I was like, what's up? She was like, is there any Puerto Rican superstitions about putting a hat on the floor?

I didn't want to go breaking any rules. So now I got her so psyched out there. Couldn't just throw it on the floor. We thank you so much for being on and for spending a little bit of extra time with us. I would like to have you back, you know, check in with you, see how things are going. Maybe in a few months we'll get you back and we'll talk about both of us, see where we both at. Oh, yes, I would love to. I'd love to come back, chat more.

Thank you so much for today. This has been really wonderful. And I hope that you all do really good things. Your grief, everything goes well. You as well. And people just kind of as you hear and as you always know, watching us, we feel like you need to go get some. If you don't think you have a problem, you have a problem. So, and just find it, find your community, find your team. It's like, we're talking about you, self-love. Can't nobody love you more than you love you. So take the time to love yourself, find the help that you need, deal with the trauma that you have so we can find peace, love, and like bring this world back to what it should be. And it's not what it is right now. So on that note, we'll see you guys soon. Thank you so much for watching.