These Fukken Feelings Podcast© - The Gentle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: Button Pushers Unpacked - Heather Warren| Season 3 Episode 315

Episode Date: February 28, 2024

Send us a Text Message.Embark on an enlightening journey through the emotional and mental landscapes of the human heart with our captivating podcast episode, blending the art of emotional resilience with the transformative power of storytelling. This episode features Heather Warren, an inner life coach celebrated for her profound understanding of emotional complexities and her unexpected pivot to children's book authorship. Together, we navigate the intricacies of personal growth, emotions as...

you don't have to be positive all the time it's perfectly okay to feel sad angry annoyed frustrated scared and anxious having feelings doesn't make you a negative person it doesn't even make you weak it makes you human and we are here to talk through it all we welcome you to these fucking feelings podcast a safe space for all who needs it grab a drink and take a seat the session begins now what is up yeah well she busts hmm but let me see crystal is really not a button pusher okay all right okay i think i'm more i think in life i'm more of a button pusher. Okay. All right. Okay. I think I'm more, I think in life,

I'm more of the button pusher, which is probably something really, really bad. I don't know. Is it good or bad to push buttons? What do you think, Heather? We're just going to start in conversation.

Let's go. Let's start. I would say it's a common, especially as a life coach with doing it, you're kind of, there's a challenge of the job of finding, like your job is to make, you know,

reveal what is not comfortable and reveal what somebody might be hiding. So I think there's a role for the button pusher, as long as it's not aggressive or crossing boundaries that the person doesn't want to go to. But it's, I think there's a role for it. It's part of the growth process. Growth is uncomfortable. Now would you say it's like a person that pushes buttons?

Would you say they're also like devil's advocate? Can they kind of go hand in hand? Okay, cool. Yeah, there's a role for that. It's good. My actual co-host, Rebecca, she just took a day off. She heard her back yesterday painting a house or something.

She does more than I would ever do. I'm ever do. Yes. I'm with you. She heard her back yesterday. That's why she's not here today. She is the devil's advocate in everything. Okay.

She's always going to find the... If it can possibly have a negative situation that could pop up, period. She has thought about it and we're discussing it. So I'm kind of saved from that today. I'm sort of like, I've got the gentle version. Yeah, today you will get the gentle version. But, you know, we might have to bring you back on just so she can torture you.

No, really. It is Halloween after all. I mean, I'm surprised you guys didn't have it. Definitely. So, okay. Well, I guess we'll do formal introductions. I am Abaika. This is Crystal.

She's filling in for Rebecca today. You're watching These Fucking Feelings Podcast podcast season three where we're continuing our focus on mental health now has a little bit for this season we kind of actually are focused on the love aspect of mental health this kind of season so i might get you some love questions is this your opinion on love and it's just love in general um so but before we go into that, our guest today is Heather Warren. And I'm a little dyslexic, right? So I can sit up here and like try to read an introduction for you, but we're not going to do that because I'm going to mess it up. So we're just going to ask you to introduce yourself to our audience and just let them know a little bit about yourself. Okay. Where do I begin? All right.

So Heather Warren, Professionally, I'm an inner life coach. I also have self-published two children's books and a spiritual memoir. But I'm one of these eternal volunteers. I do things on the side. I've done arts of men. I have a background in theater. So I really believe in the human journey of expression and soul and seeking and trying to actualize and sort out one's self, including emotions. And a little bit, I live in Ontario, Canada, in a small city. I'm with my dog. I choose to be child free. Me too.

Yeah, good. All right. Awesome. Yeah. Child free by choice. I like my sanity. And yeah, so I don't know what else to add to that right now. I mean, we'll definitely dive in. We'll dive in and we'll figure out the rest of it.

What made you write children's books? And not have kids. That's a good question. And what are the names of the books? Okay, right. Yeah, it is definitely one of these weird conflicts as being a child-free-by-choice person and writing children's books. So it's one of these inner conflicts. But I would say partly I nurture my inner child.

So writing the children's books is part of that. And the one is The Stellar Queen of Oaxaca. And it's based on my trip to Oaxaca City, Mexico. I backpacked across Mexico for two and a half months. And then I lived in Oaxaca City for six months. I was planning to move there. And I met a really amazing woman who, single mom, who was visually impaired from birth. And she navigated a very challenging culture for ableist issues or not having enough supports for it and I learned so much from her from seeing from

the heart like I really um intuition following your intuition your senses and so I wrote the book based on her as the heartfelt leader and then celebrating the mexican culture even from me as an outsider looking in right is it number one i got two questions yeah yeah she knows the book is about her and then you got are you guys still in contact we aren't anymore unfortunately because of um issues of uh whether it's technology poverty challenges in mexico we have lost connection um i was able to send money to her with raising funds for the book. Part of the sales of the books was to go to an organization for street children, and then partly to her, and then to myself and my illustrator.

So I was able to send money during that time for her, but just, I don't know where she is right now, unfortunately. Yeah, but she gave permission to write it, and I sent her copies of it, and she said she liked it. That has to be amazing to sit there and be an inspiration for a book, and wherever you are, we hope you're doing well, that you're blessed and happy. Yes, yes, absolutely. No, she needed to be praised, absolutely. Definitely, definitely. You know, I'm gonna do it. So, okay. Now we can go into book number two. Number two, Max's Marvelous Mustache. And it's, it's based on my dog. It's perfect for November for Movember. My dog. So he's my fur baby. And so Max is my dog. And it was all about

not liking the trip. He's a small dog. So everybody calls him, oh, he's so cute. Every time people see him, he looks like a teddy bear. And I was like, God, he must get sick and tired of this. He wants to be taken seriously um but the story was inspired by my nephew who looked in the mirror when he was eight years old and he's like i am getting a mustache wow i said this must be because i didn't grow up with a brother or boy culture or anything and i was like wow this must be that rite of passage you know like you're you're you're getting older because you have a mustache and um so i more about manifestation than we did exactly exactly so i just merged the two like the two kind of dudes in my life who were

young and um it was all about max having to getting bullied by the big dogs because he's so cute and he ends up getting a styling mustache from the groomers and becomes the trendsetter so i wrote that piece for him i'm gonna buy that book okay i'm gonna get them both because we believe in supporting but i want autographed copies we can talk about that later i will perfectly happy to um but okay my question number one you said backpack for six months oh it was two and a half months for backpacking oh and you were sleeping in like in the street in the woods and stuff like that no no it's like definitely not in mexico i wouldn't i wouldn't suggest that i just had to clarify

what you mean by backpacker like you was just out there in the desert it's not as extreme no not extreme there's a subculture of like backpackers who are going to hostels

and that sort of scene the international backpackers who are going to hostels and going, you know, that sort of scene, the international backpackers. Running water. Running water, running toilets. It's mostly taking buses and going across the country and back. So, yeah.

Everything has to fit in a backpack, right? Yes. Oh, so that's what backpacking means. I just heard you got to go somewhere and you gotta do some stuff and you need boots no no no not wilderness backpacking if it requires

like I wear boots fashionably but if it requires me to wear boots then we need to have a whole another conversation and you don't do bugs and kind of hard to avoid in Mexico because you got black widow spiders me to wear boots, then we need to have a whole other conversation. And you don't do bugs. No bugs. And kind of hard to avoid in Mexico because you've got black widow spiders

and scorpions in some places. But yeah. I've never really been a fan of Mexican food. But you know why though? And maybe this is an assumption or a stereotype that maybe I need to get over. I don't do cheese. And I feel like every Mexican dish has cheese.

That's Tex-Mex. Right. That's all I'm going to say. It's probably not true. It's probably, hmm. Okay. Maybe I need to go to Mexico. You talk to me until.

Well, Oaxaca City, that's part of why I went there. I lived there for six months and they are known for UNESCO heritage site for food and culture. So they've preserved the Indigenous pre-colonial dishes and foods from way back before Columbus came in and took over or Cortez. And yeah, so you get these amazing dishes that are definitely not, it's not cheese because they didn't

use dairy cows and all of that back then. So it's a lot of vegetables, a lot of spices, chocolate. They eat a zebra and shit, right? No, no zebra. But grasshoppers? Oh. Oh.

You know what? We're going to get to the reason why you're here. Okay? Because at the moment, you're not very inspirational. They're cute to see jump. I don't want to eat one. Me neither. Okay.

You know what, Heather? I have an issue with food, period. Right? I don't want to eat food. I don't want to consume food i just i just the meats are bad for you right or not that they're bad for you i just them animals is cute why we gotta kill them you know right and then okay cool it's a circle life thing whatever heard it i know what i mean i still just can't rock with it right so? So, and then I don't like vegetables because I think I have really,

really strong taste buds. Or it's a psychological thing where I feel like I can taste the dirt in it. Like dirt. Oh, gosh. And it's like, that's what it tastes like to me. So I don't do anything. Anything that's grown, I can't do it.

I don't want nothing out of a can because it's out of a can. Right. Don't do sauces. I don't do any sauces. No sauces. Like, nothing. I don't want to eat chicken. Nothing.

Okay. Is this fruit? Do you have fruit? Watermelon. You like watermelon. I do. I do like watermelon. And, like, I can rock with fruit every now and then.

But it has to be like a real legit, like, I don't know, maybe like a craving or a moment. You know, like if I may want an orange, but if I buy a bag of oranges, most of them are going to go bad. It's that kind of situation. Right. Right. It'll be one off or. So do you do smoothies? What do you eat? Fruit roll-ups. I do like fruit roll-ups.

A box sleeps with me. I promise y'all we're going to get to the purpose of the episode, but I sleep with a box next to me. My fruit roll-ups is my man. It got its own pillow. And then his phone. And then what, sorry?

His phone. Very electronic. I'll mail you a care package with fruit roll-ups and my children's books. Right. There you go. Okay. And then I'll be good for like a month. But seriously, I know I need to eat more than that, but it's like, I just don't want to eat.

It's something about, I'm like, but i will eat because i am fat now like under the pillow but um i don't know it's just so weird well it's weird it's weird i don't know in your coaching if that's something you could help me with my soul yeah i'd probably i mean if there's actual taste issues it might even be a type of disordered eating pattern that might be a level of um beyond my realm of therapeutic experience but good answer i'm a special case i get it no i'm not just it would be probably there's there's deeper stuff there for sure. And it would be. You know, they checked like for the anorexia. Not checked, but you know, like I've kind of talked to people.

They thought like I was anorexic one time. Right. They thought those things. But it's like, oh, I mean, I'll eat it because I know I got to eat it. And I know that something tastes good. You know, I got some peach cobb over here that Crystal burned. I can't wait. Right. So you like the sweets?

I do like sweets and I like bread a lot. Like I like bread. Oh, the carbs. Yep. Yep. I don't like cheese. I really ain't into eggs. I mean, I like bacon, but I don't like ham. So anyway. So the protein thing is challenging

it is I just got uh found like the kind bars though so they have like you know whatever and they're like almonds and chocolate and all the things I like so I kind of been like rock I would be so fascinated by can I if you feel comfortable sharing but what's your ancestral lineage so it's okay i am a little bit of everything but i think majority of it is like 14 percent lithuanian ah and then it was 12 percent nigerian okay and then i was 11 percent puerto rican like united states um and then it was like a whole bunch you know it's like a percent jew I was 11% Puerto Rican, like United States, Puerto Rico. And then it was like a whole bunch, you know, it was like a percent Jew and German. Okay. So, because I mean, if we talk about eat for your lineage or eat for your type and all of this stuff, it's like that would be an interesting thing to explore what the diet was in Lithuania at the time of your ancestors, the diet in Nigeria for your dominant ones. And because it would make sense, like in Nigeria, a lot of it, or I don't know enough about Nigeria, but in Lithuania, Eastern Europe, I mean, you're dealing with potatoes and cabbage, pierogies, you know, stuff like that, that might have been.

And so probiotic stuff or fermented foods. It would make sense. You wouldn't like vegetables. Especially if the ancestry left, you don't have to look at this. It goes into the family constellations work I do with people, but it's like, it goes into

the reason why, like, when did your family leave or your ancestors leave and then what was the reason? Like, if it was war times, if it was the reason why, like, when did your family leave or your ancestors leave? And then what was the reason? Like, if it was war times, if it was all of that. Then there was a way of relating with the ancestors by staying connected to them through some of your dietary choices, perhaps. Oh. So that's where I could look at the soul level. But it's, yeah, it would be interesting to know and to see if you could incorporate some of those foods from Nigeria and Lithuania I'm not you sold me already

I just recently got into kind of the ancestry stuff like I just recently did it that's the reason why like the percentages are really kind of fresh because um we joke with my brother. I'm like the whitest person in the family. Okay. Yeah. But I have like the more minority DNA. Okay. So we always, you know, our family is, my mom is primarily Puerto Rican.

That's kind of how we were brought up. But I joke with everybody about how I'm more Puerto Rican than them. But I don't speak Spanish and things like that. But she's like, I'm more Puerto Rican than you. You know what you talking about so I am fascinated like now kind of about like

ancestry and just those kind of and then in starting a podcast it also helps me think about I never wanted to leave a legacy maybe this is something else we could talk about

when talking about the soul I felt like I wasn't that important enough you know I didn't need a legacy. I didn't want kids. I didn't do anything with my life really that's worth discussing. I was a bad person when I needed to be a bad person. I was a great person when I needed to be a great person. I was human. But in that, I didn't kill 300 people, So no one needs to know how it was bad.

And I didn't save 300 people. So no one really needed to know how it was good. So, you know, it was like, I didn't want kids. So it was like legacy wasn't kind of like an important thing until I started this podcast. And I started to see the touch behind it. And now it's like, I'm thinking about like, heck, are there other people in my family that did do significant things but thought the way that I thought? And we don't know about. So I have been interested in like searching more into my ancestry.

It's so even just, I mean, I don't know if you want me to continue on with sharing on this one, but just what you shared. This may even help put some pieces together so in mexico there was a poet that i read it was aztec poets this is like ancient it was literally just one line when i was in the library reading it and it said something like the person who chooses not to carry on the line is essentially there to tie up, tie the ends of the like family tapestry. So the people who choose to be child free are the ones who are tying up the knots of the family lineage and the ancestors to make the complete tapestry. So it makes sense to me that you are speaking stories, your path is more about sharing your truth or helping others share their truth. So you're wrapping up the tapestry of your family.

And the feeling that, you know, your legacy is less about the human form, like creating, bringing in a child and all of this. And it has more to do with acknowledgement and sharing and talking and speaking truths and being the button pusher. Like you're trying to get all of the, whether it was the traumas or the things hidden or the things not talked about, you're trying to get those resolved. And so that's usually the role of the person who chooses to be child free. We can go into a whole history of their place in a family system, but usually they're the seers or the the ones who are um the what you want to call the wise people or the because they can step back and observe and observe society or observe the family system right yeah as much as i love talking i love

watching right exactly they're the artists. They're the ones people will go to and say, do you have advice on this? And unfortunately, our society has it where if you're not a parent, somehow your perspective doesn't matter when it comes to parenting or when it comes to raising kids or anything. But historically,

and you can go back to even, don't quote me on the exact, like, we're in African tribes, and I know, you know, not to romanticize the cultures, but just being, going back to even don't quote me on the exact like we're in african tribes and i know you know not to romanticize the cultures but just being going back to um those times where the woman who couldn't bring forward a child or chores not to um she was often consulted you know it's like you know what should we do about the politics in the community how do we raise our kids are we doing this well and um so we just don't have a place for that but i it makes sense to me that you're doing this podcast is kind of

what i'm saying yeah so we kind of just believe here we always kind of let the conversation dictate where we're gonna go we're gonna touch on a little bit of everything but yeah that was that was that was pretty cool and it was was funny because we were reading your website, but she was just reading the top portion of the About Us. And it was all him. Yeah, she was like, this is you. Like, this is all you. Right, over Sarah. Yeah. yeah yeah so but so uh let's talk to i guess can you like paraphrase what's on your website and

what we're talking about just so people know what we're talking about but definitely go visit the website so i mean i my main work within our life coaching is working with weary heartfelt leaders and helping them to go in restore their heart access their truth so really truly the ideas um change really starts with our heart like it that's where it first begins so oftentimes we'll get people in leadership positions who end up behaving poorly shall we say or behaving and like reacting rather than responding or projecting instead of going wait a second second, why is this triggering me? Why do I care so much about this and can end up in codependent dynamics, right? Instead of going, does this bring me joy? Does this bring me peace? How can I not unknot my patterns so I'm not continuing dysfunction

or I'm not continuing, I'm not doing this from a place of rescuing or having to save people, going into hero complexes. And, you know, when I describe it as why I love doing the soul work piece of it is, you know, I feel like anyone who's called, anyone who wants to do inner work at some level is a leader, right? They're taking leadership over themselves or they're taking leadership over their community or their family or their life. And they want to take responsibility and make an impact right so and that that impact doesn't have to be like sometimes we have this idea that we have to be big in our impact you know it has to be

like gargantuan but when we actually listen to that small inner voice that often we being busy and stress and all of that gets in the way of it if we listen to that inner still inner voice that often we being busy and stress and all of that gets in the way of it. If we listen to that inner, still inner voice, it becomes so clear, like, oh, this just feels natural. This is just naturally me. This is what I do. And we have so many things to unpack around socialization and, you know, other people's perspectives and pressures to pay the bills and, you know, all of this that it can get in the way from actually going, but wait a minute, like, who am I? What do I want? And whose voice am I listening to? Is it my voice? Is it my great uncle who passed away thousands of years ago? Is it, you know, my father, my,

you know, can we get back into like taking that quiet time? All these dead people i see around me yeah all the dead people around like totally like where is this pressure coming from where is the where is the and i love like the part that i love doing with the spiritual aspect of it is that it is we have so many different influences right and especially like i love this is what i love about halloween is the ancestor realm but it's like this, um, we don't realize like when, when working with family constellations work, which I put into my coaching practice, we end up almost like subconsciously being loyal to our ancestors in ways that were like, is this really me? Like, and it sounds crazy, but it's

like, is this really, am I this person who needs to go down this path or am I just doing this for some kind of weird approval? Right. And we often don't even know the answer. Like we just, like we, the work with constellations, as's disconnected, you're going to try to include that family member, ancestor member in some way. So you might keep attracting the psychopathic lover. You might end up attracting... You're like, why does this keep happening she has a psychopathic lover in her life like really does i hope you do not watch this episode it wasn't until you said that it made me realize like i was joking about it at first but i just realized so what made you do what you do like what made you is there a reason

um oh my gosh well yeah i would probably say this was my circling back to mexico when i was there and i felt you know whenever you go on a journey away from home and comfort zones and so forth like i grew up as a kid for for three years in Jamaica. So it's not that being in a foreign country was different for me. I experienced other cultures, but being there, I actually faced, you know, like there was a lot of political uprising at the time. There was shutdowns almost like, so it was dangerous. There was a lot of danger and the danger of black widow spiders. And so I was in that place where I was like, wow, I literally could die as I walk out the door.

So I felt like I was facing death every day. Right. And, but I'm like, everybody here faces death every day. Like, what is the way you cope? What is the way that you deal with this? And to actually like, there's such a deep spirituality in Oaxaca. It's anybody who's from Mexico and you say Oaxaca

City, people will be like, oh, Oaxaca. Like it's magical. So I had these... Sorry. I said I still ain't going. No. You don't want the ground to fall. I'll do it over the internet. Yeah.

Sorry, I just wanted to play that out. And it had like the ancient ruins there. So I felt like I had immersed myself into like old ancient culture and the questioning of life, death, existentialism and all of this. And I felt like I was, I'm like, I may not come back home. And that's, you know, can I be at peace with that? Is there anything that I've done or I've done? Same thing, like, what am I proud of? What am I not proud of? Have I been hiding from my purpose, my destiny, all those same questions that you were speaking about, Mika. So the, and it's very much in that, like, it's in that culture. So like every every day, there's a profound understanding of your destiny.

And so it was just around me. And I was really questioning. I'm like, wow, I really haven't looked at my ancestors. I haven't. I left home when I was 16. So I felt like I ran away from my family. And I was like, I can't be running all my life. I have to look at me.

And no matter where I am, that's where I am. So I think that piece around the inner growth work and the importance of, am I at peace? Am I complete in my life? So I did make it home, thankfully. And I would say a lot of it has to do with white privilege and being Canadian. I was able to go back home with my passport um and and made it through the systems so the coming back to my hometown which is where I live now and having to face and I wouldn't even say that I did a lot of bad things but I would say out of out of integrity my own integrity my own standard my own way I want to live I fell into partying too much in my 20s i fell into being with the wrong kind of people for intimate partners like it was just like who

am i and i'm totally confused in my life and i think what everybody goes to in their 20s yeah and you have to right like it's just if you're gonna make back home are you gonna make it back home into yourself yeah and then just some people just stay in their 20s even though they're 60 but that's a whole nother episode so that should be my fear factor on my website like don't be that 60 year old who's still a teenager do your inner work yeah so one thing but i also there i just sort of left i put everything over to what i called the divine at that point where it was just like all right i have no control over whether i live die i have no control over why i'm here like i felt called there and then i was like and i'm in

the middle of a revolution so i'm like why am i here so so i just kept following my literally following my heart and going i'm following my heart and going, I'm following where there's kindness. I'm following where there's, I feel like there are good people and Raina being one of them for my children's book. And it just led me out of danger. Like it's this idea that love really does lead you and guide you and you need to follow those hunches, right? And so when I came back, all of a sudden I met people who are doing family constellations work. It felt like almost like the door opened as soon as I made a choice to follow spirit or choice to follow my heart. It was like this mentor came in, this opportunity came in and I was all of a sudden doing energy healing and

family constellations work and coaching and doing my own receiving coaching. And it was like, wow, I just I literally opened the door and it was like, you know, the idea when the student is ready, the teacher will come. Right, right, right. I need to open the door, but then I'm scared what's behind the door. Because I think there's a boogeyman in my closet. Sorry? I'm scared what's behind the door because I think there's a boogeyman in my closet. I think it's more of the change. Sorry? More of the change.

Making that step to jump. I'm going through this big healing stage. I just made the jump too. I actually packed up everything I had and moved away from everybody. It's so funny. Every bit in my little Nissan, that is what came with me.

And he found me. And since being here, life has completely changed. But it was... My job now is kind of like a big headache. Not because of me. Not because of her. You know, it's like

you work for one of the biggest companies in the world, but they suck. I'm sorry. It's just corporate America. I think every, honestly, I feel like every company is having the same challenge right now. But so because of that, the other day I was on LinkedIn and someone invited me to a job and I was reading it and everything that they needed I could do. I was like, oh, this is nothing. And then the salary, it was like twice what I'm making now.

And I was like, I should apply. But now my issue is that I feel like I can never show people my intelligence. Or leave me? Huh? Or leave me? Anyway, I'm talking now. We can talk about that off air. I got that position.

I could take you with me. Okay. Always think about the team. But it's, so it's like, if they gave me the opportunity to show them I could do the job, I could do the job. They would know within an hour, like, if they gave me the opportunity to show them I could do the job, I could do the job. They would know within an hour, like, okay, this guy can do the job.

But I grew up with a lot of molestation. And because of that, there was a lot of silence. And part of the way I survived that was kind of like building my own Lego city inside of me. Yep. So, and it changed as I grew up. My city things, but it was always within. I read a lot of books. I studied a lot of things.

I used to read everything. People magazines, women's home health journal, men's fitness. If it had words, I was reading it. So I just consumed a lot, but I never got to use what I consumed. But I knew I never wanted to lose it. So I found ways to compartmentalize it or whatever. I don't know. This is just what I'm talking.

I don't know. Yeah, that totally makes sense. Kind of what I think I did, right? It totally makes sense. It totally makes sense. Because sometimes it's, okay, so because of that, it's okay so because of that it's like I I wasn't allowed to show who I was

because I always needed to be who somebody else wanted me to be or who they told me to be but I still knew that I needed to protect

part of myself and that part that I protect is a freaking genius you hear what I mean like that person could probably really really solve

world hunger right yes yes yeah and we wouldn't have to kill no zebras freaking genius you know what i mean like that person could probably really really solve world hunger right yes yes yeah and we wouldn't have to kill no zebras right right right we don't have to eat vegetables we just breathe in and get all the vitamins and nutrients we need but definitely i don't know how to explain that to somebody and i find it it's like now like i always i tell everybody like i'm the ghetto person in office and i say that like not on a racist standpoint but just what people think of ghetto people you know what i'm saying like oh they're you know you know like they're not that intelligent they're that and that's kind of the vibe i give but i probably the best at what I do.

And the best that they have seen. And it's like, I don't know how to open that door. To let those parts of me that I spent 40 years protecting out. Yes. I know that I need to because that's the only way that

others will see my full potential. Yep. Yep. Oh, yeah. Like you'd have to, right. Like what it would be looking at, what is the fear of opening that up? Like what would the fear be? Because there's, that's exactly like, so there's various, you know, everybody has different, I've worked with people who've had, um, you know, child molestation and sexual trauma in their childhood and so forth. And how one interprets it can be various spectrums. But the, you know, there's, as you say, the protection piece, but also the piece around, you know, there could be things, I'm just going to bring this up as just, and wherever it lands, but just like, it could be the part of five. If I share this, it could be taken away from me. If I share my genius,

that could be taken away from me. If I, um, you know what Crystal was saying, if I, um, the fear of what was it, Crystal, you were saying the fear of being taken advantage of, right. And being exploited again. And, and then you'd have to take a look at the scenarios as to, you know, what were the conditions of the abuse? And, you know, was it, I don't know enough about your story, again, I'm sorry, if it's any triggering anything at all. But the piece, you know, was it around a school setting, a teacher, so forth? Like, how might it be connected to intellect? And how might

it be connected to, because children want to fit in. They want to be belonged. They want to be loved. They want to be safe. Right. So there's a piece that you have a huge gatekeeper that's helping you, which is your fear. Right.

And saying like, I don't want to share this and I need to, and it's almost like we'd have to explore what would make me feel safe. Like, what do I need to feel safe so I can share a little bit of it. Right. So it's almost like you have to explore what would make me feel safe. Like, what do I need to feel safe so I can share a little bit of it? Right? So it's almost like you have to, it's like a little child. This is the inner child piece of like, as a loving parent, you know, if you see a child in the corner who's scared and afraid, then you would reach out to the child and say, hey, can I come closer? Well, okay, just a little bit. Right? So then

you want to treat that inner child piece very much like that. Always creating safety. And so even if it is like, hey, why don't I just write out my ideas in a journal and put it away in a safe that nobody can read, but at least they're on paper.

Right? I feel like someone would read it though. Right. read, but at least they're on paper. I feel like someone would read it though. It would be that fear. I'd be thinking of picking up the journal or writing because I do love writing. I write really, really well, once again, because that's the one time I can let my inside out when I'm writing because I'm not

speaking it. I write so well that my co-host doesn't think I write it and she can see me writing it. So you're a brilliant writer. It just like comes out so amazing. And she'd be like, oh my God, I'm reading this. And I know that you wrote it, but I can't believe you wrote it.

And I'm like, thanks, bitch. Yeah, I know. It's like, should I take that as a compliment or not? But yeah, but then I'm always scared that if i tell my truth in that writing which is something i didn't start to do to plug i did write a book so um which book is that and it's it's about my battle with cancer um it's called love beyond the battle um and you know i kind of say part of my story is a lot to do with love i kind of learned to love cancer and it was in learning to love cancer that I was able to destroy it. Now that's another story, right?

Because I know people be like, the chemo did that. It did, but I did it too. Okay. You chose like, yeah, because it goes either way for people, right? And somehow by you accepting it, your body accepted it. Absolutely. Right. I always tell people, I'm talking about my cancer because for some reason when i bring up like cancer and just my thoughts and belief about it

i always get this hate email where someone's offended right and my cancer i promise i'm not trying to offend nobody but i can only speak my truth and kind of what i went through you know a lot of it it was was love right so and i think it was the love that helped me get over my sexual traumas. And I'm not saying get over it, but it's no longer what holds me. Now I'm learning. Now that I'm past that phase, my family members molested me and I still talk to them. So it's like I can talk to them and not be angry and have no hatred. And sometimes part of me feels bad because they had to do that or they felt they had

to do it. So it's like maybe a little too much compassion, but whatever it comes from love. And I'm still learning. I'm just getting in this phase. So, you know, that's why I do everything your website talks about. I overgive, I overshare, I overdo, I overcompensate because I'm just learning what love is and its capabilities. Yes. You know? Yes. I want to give it to everybody because everybody just deserves to have it. There shouldn't be people in this world that don't know what love is.

I just don't know how to accept that. You know, and I, well, and I think that's, thank you Mika for sharing so openly about that journey, because I think there's by that is the example, right. That gives people like, by you sharing what you shared about the sexual abuse and about cancer and so forth, it's like, that's, but you've come to a place of acceptance or acceptance,

not that it was okay or anything, but just like in the present, you're new, you're not as affected by it because anything but just like in the present you're new you're not as affected by it because you know you're lovable and you're in a place of um wanting to like once you choose love this is the whole if you want to go into like the idea of free will but wherever you whatever you feel like saying we could go into okay like but you know i don't want it to sound religious or like you know necessarily christian-based but it's like this idea of um once we choose to be loving or we choose the loving approach um it's a different approach than our ego trying to force things control things you know truly that idea of let go let god or goddess or divine um that you're that's the example that

would be the beautiful example like you don't have to do anything and you don't even have to give that love to anyone. But when you're sharing, this is how I overcame and it was through the power of love and acceptance. Then people are like, wow, where am I not? Like truly we, I like the part we can't play God. We can't love everyone. Even though I heard this from, this is, this was the turning point for me in some of this journey with even around codependency stuff, is this is a man who has passed away now. But he was doing a support group for men who were released from prison and they were having to be integrated into society.

And most of them were sex offenders. And he just, he said to me, so through his experience, and he's like, yep, there's lots of drama. He said, you know what, Heather, one thing I always tell them is that God loves all of us, but our job is to become lovable. So it's not, it's also not our, as individuals, as humans, we need to be in a place of non-harm. We need to be in a place where nobody's free of judgment. Nobody's free of whatever. But if we can go, I can have compassion for this person, but it's not my job to fill their love cup. That's between them and their creator, their spirit source, whichever. They need to find that love within themselves.

That's my stuck spot. Sorry? I love them and I fill that cup. Yes, right. And that's where I'm at. That's my current state right now. It's even to the point where sometimes I am ashamed of my success or the recognition that we've been getting. We've been doing really well and i don't celebrate it you know i feel like i'm you know i know so many

people who are miserable and sad and their life is not you know quite as okay as mine is and you know that goes back to the same as you not sharing i know i know i know it does but to me this time though was like i i don't know it like, I feel like people will take it as like bragging or like I'm throwing it in their face. And, you know, and another part of me is like how dare me be happy when other people are so sad. So Mika, can you speak to that? Yes, of course.

Just a little bit. So there's two things that can happen, especially if we're survivors on some level is survivor's guilt. So when we finally break through a sort of block or a barrier, we can go into survivor's guilt. And then we look back at people who might be struggling the same way we did. And then we go, but why me? Like, why do I get this? And this person doesn't get this. But to acknowledge, like you made choices or you shifted something in yourself, you made a different choice. Right. And I had to,

like, you know, I've, I've had to look at, and I'm sure we can find analogies of like wise teachings around this, but you can have a person who has tons of money and they're still miserable. Or you can have somebody who has hardly anything and they know how to find a place of peace and happiness. So half of it has to do with your attitude.

And partly your shifts in attitude has led you to the use that I'm leaving. I'm getting in the car. I'm going to meet. I'm opening up to the universe. And the universe is blessing me on some level. And I'm meeting the right people at the right time. And the fact that your heart is listening to it, the fact that you're following your path and you're, it's like,

and then there's a side that your whole being has to catch up to is like, why me? And, and what's beautiful about it for your heart is you don't want to go to the ego place of going, I'm better than everyone. Like that you're checking yourself. You're going, okay, I don't want to come across like I'm, you know, I have no compassion or no empathy or so forth, which isn't true. Anybody even just meeting you online, I can tell you have empathy coming out of you. Like it's just the, you know, it's the

hardest part of catching up to what seems like worldly success. But it's not that you are exploiting people with it. It's notiting people with it you're actually helping people so it's like the more successful you are the more lives you can touch but you can wake up and just be miserable and just show up and do your job I want to see a miserable Micah

I saw a miserable Micah like once okay I thought my this was Michael like once okay in all the years I thought my world was coming the years that I've known him I had one bad day and it's all like when should I like what should I do

you know what was crazy that most I'm not gonna say most of my bad days i really don't have a lot of bad days but my bad days are never caused by me right right or is it because you let yourself get that mad i do because sometimes things is just so i don't't know, not love. Some things are not lovable. Totally, totally. It upsets me. It's like, yo, can we just love each other and love what we do and just love life and love existence and just, I don't know. Love each other. I just want a peaceful world.

Oh my gosh. You know, honestly, Micah, that's the, like, I think this is the hard part about, I call them the highly sensitive people. Right. And like the more you grow spiritually and the more that you grow in that kind of awareness of like, can we just treat each other with love and kindness and not war and conflict and all these things. Right. And it's harder. The more that you open up and the more that you heal and the more that you

realize what's functional and what's not, the harder it is to kind of deal with the world, you know? And at the same time, the fact that you woke up to this means that there's, you know, there's not just you, but like anybody waking up to this. It's like, that's where the hope lives, right? That's why I love doing the Heartfield Leader stuff. Cause I'm like, we can't, I used to do tons of activism and protesting and all this stuff. And I'm like, but it has to be like, I still do my signing petitions and I'm still engaged in my own ways, but I don't have hope for peace on earth in my lifetime. Right. Because I know that it's so complicated with people's traumas, inequalities,

poverty issues, like so much is, needs to be healed or addressed but i have hope in the people who are like i just want to be a better person today next week next month and the hard part is protecting your heart from a world that people are in survival mode you know and if there's anything to just go into compassion it's just to go people are in survival mode whether it's how it's manifested is just absolutely evil or if it's just like wow this person is doing something out of their protection place that you know as as trauma survivors i think that's where the greatest um we can actually be the greatest movements of compassion because we can say, I went through this. I have compassion even for the perpetrator. I even have compassion for, right. And so we're actually, that's where you're,

that's where each of our missions can come in is to go, wow, you know what? This is what I've survived. I have compassion for what this person went through. I have compassion for what this person went through. I have compassion for what the victims went through. I can have compassion for the healing process. And then that's where the heart comes in, you know, because it's real compassion. It's not fake sympathy. Right. So now your work combines like a little bit of everything, right? Because I know you've done like the the constellations so it's like you kind of tie in everything together um is it my question is crazy um what number one you say family you work with individuals by themselves too or does it have to be well just actually i only work with individuals so i'll work with their family

system as far as through like their story experiences but we also set up like some of these pieces I used to do groups but COVID happened I just want to be at home in my front of my computer and work with people and I actually prefer one-on-one because then it we can actually get into honest truths um so and then but we I look at their ancestors and my knowledge as a family constellations facilitator to look at patterns they may not have addressed or looked at. And then I do deep coaching questions, you know, just like, so what was this like for you? What is your hope in this? What do you, you know, what are you believing because of this?

And they'll have their personal, what I call the sweet ahas, they'll have these breakthroughs that it's almost like in traditional therapy, you're just dealing with the person and you're just dealing with their truth. And they're not dealing with the collective, looking at all the pieces, the relationships, their, you know, maybe their lens might be shifted. You know, it needs to be shifted to go, what about what happened over here? And, and I like working, I also do oracle cards because I have a little bit of a witch in me that will pull oracle cards. I read that too. I think that's the two, right? Yeah. You ever heard when they tell people, look, this is me and the corny stuff with superstitions.

But when someone told me once that if you ever lit a candle and it sparked blue, it meant you was a witch. And like every candle in the light sparks blue. And I was like, I don't want to be a witch. But, you know, like, can I win me some lottery numbers then? But, sorry. Well, there's a whole, like,

background. This is what happened in Wizards you know that wizards didn't have kids so the ones who like the the ones who didn't have kids and this is this isn't because of even they had to but it's again they had more it meant that they had more life force and psychic energy to focus on other things right so and I'm not saying this to say having kids is bad and you can't be spiritual. I really don't have 18. I'm like, Crystal,

oh my God. There's a thing called. That's five. I do have five. And a grand baby. I have a grand baby and a grand baby on the wife. I think her daughter is going to be a serial killer serial killer i'm just gonna go ahead and now okay no i'm gonna tell you about this heather i'm gonna tell you about this like we go to we go to a pool

party and it's it's a lot of grown people it wasn't a lot of kids it had to be her and like two other kids yeah there was two other kids. Right. So her, two other kids. One of them is like my little cousin. And so Oliver is like really small. He's seven years old, a genius, but he's just very, very tiny. Yes.

And then it was another little boy and it was her daughter. I ain't gonna mention no names. I just call her my baby. I just call her my baby. But so everybody's doing their thing and they're in the pool. I ain't going to mention no names. I just call her my baby. I just call her my baby. But so everybody's doing their thing and they're in the pool. And I hear her tell the boys, you guys pretend like you're drowning and I'm going to save you. She's a savior.

And you know what they did? Okay. They pretended to drown. Are we not going to think about this? Are we not going to like have a moment to to say like what if she doesn't save me like they're just like okay so she's the next sociopathic leader she's like the next yeah oh my god that's what she gave birth to she taught him how how to swim. She did teach him how to swim. And of course, I'm joking.

I love her. That's my granddaughter because where I don't have kids, I have to father her all the time. So that makes her kids my grandkids. Totally. And they know it. They know they're my grandbabies. Why you got them doing that?

You can adopt them. You totally adopted them yeah i have look i have so many uh adoptive kids that i didn't adopt like i don't got no papers for them my taxes but they still in my wallet you know i did one of those things where like you do the, um, sorry, it's getting darker. I'm trying to, one of those things where the, um, it's like an AI thing where you see what your kid would look like if you had babies with somebody. So I did it with my partner and we looked at the boy, like the boy came up and I was like, Oh, okay. Yeah. Normal looking kid. But, and, uh, and then the girl came up and i'm like my god she looks like a sociopath

thank god i didn't have a girl i wonder what the ancestral lineage right i'm like wow we didn't look at the female sociopaths in our family. We knew about the men. And I'm over here laughing at myself because it was like, I know what you do, but when you kept saying family, I kept taking family literal. So I'm like, why is she only saying she works with families? Right.

Family ancestors. Family dynamics. Why do you keep saying families? You work with everybody don't lose your money no i work around family dynamics yeah look i'm glad i clarified because you know there was somebody watching that was like me like exactly with family thank you thank you it was so funny because i can relate with the part of feeling like you know don't do anything like doing too bad or too good and what is the family

system was there somebody back there that did things that were too bad or too good you know like what was happened back there and you know i described that i come from a family of famous and infamous and i constantly meet people on my path. Like I'm literally two or three degrees of separation from just through my husband and his work and all this stuff. Is that, you know, to Rolling Stones, to Prince. Like I'm literally, I'm always close to fame or famous people. I'm never quite there. Or I'm close to people who've done really bad shit.

And I'm like, these are my ancestors. They're like famous and infamous. And I'm just like, okay, I'm just going to sit and eat my Cheerios. I did that where I looked up like my birthday for everything that happened on my date of birth.

And like, I was like, damn, maybe I am the antichrist what you do is what can i ask what an astrological sign you were i am a capricorn oh you're meant to have money in your life you're meant to have actually worldly success then see this is the trick though i don't know if it's a trick though, because before I believe you, because I was born the 19th, January 19th at like 1133 PM. So I was really, really close to being an Aquarius, right? But I'm still going to get the money because I'm a Capricorn.

Yes. So I love cusps. No wonder we get along here because I'm a cusp baby too. So from my understanding, I'm not like trained astrology. What's cusp? And what are you, Crystal? What's your... A Taurus. Okay.

All right. A perfect combination, the two of you to do. This makes perfect sense why you guys are doing this together. So Taurus is about earthly comforts and material comforts and they like,

but they like doing things in a very like, you're not just head in the clouds you're like let's do it if we're gonna have a dream we're gonna do make it happen and do it and it needs to manifest so Taurus are really good at manifesting and then Capricorn and then if you have Aquarius there what a beautiful so no wonder you're worried about like you don't want to be an asshole you don't want to be like this guy with success who's telling everyone, because you know, you're destined to make more money and you know, you're destined to have success on some level to actually do well. And you're good at it. It's almost like it's just, you actually shine in it. You actually do well with succeeding in, on a very worldly level.

But the shadow side of that can be being a jerk, right? And actually making people feel less than. But it's so beautiful because Aquarius is all about the humanity, being humane, and the dream, the collective dream. So the more that you're tied in with, which is what you're doing now, it's like, I want to succeed in a way that serves humanity, then you will absolutely succeed. Right. And if you're doing it from that place of service, um, you can't help but earn a good living and you almost need to follow it. Like you're not, it's not necessarily about, um, like for some of us, like I'm, I volunteer and all of this stuff, I'm Aries Pisces, but the, um, you can, you can, you're more about giving charity or philanthropy, like use, give your money away to help others. So here, you can send us lots of money. But, but it's like, you're still supposed to, like, you would do well for setting up a foundation or you'd be doing well for, but you would be very much like, and then working with Taurus in your life,

like Crystal can help you like, okay, let's make it happen. What's going on here? Let's get the pillows together. Let's get the flowers set. Let's get like everything's literally just making it happen in a very sensual way. That's why she's our producer. Right. See, it's all perfect.

Oh, you're totally aligned. The two of you are in your path. You done got you a new client. I'm about to set up a reading. But just remember, I come with a lot. Don't be trying to increase my rate later when you realize that I'm a hick. I'll tell you to donate to the causes sorry I said it

this is not what I was signed up for way too much and I'm speaking as a person whose therapist quit on them so I know I can make it happen honestly what happened between us and I say that all the time but what happened between us is we kind of became like friends yeah yeah that's so terrible yeah and then yes

thank you thank you but then and she just thought she just wanted to be a professional and she felt like that makes no like hey we can still talk but i can't you know be of service to you anymore because i'm here telling you about my problems. Completely. And then she is Asian and it was around that time where the Asian hate was getting really, really bad. Oh, God.

So it became like I legit was a therapist because she was like scared to leave the house. Because she still had like a heavy accent. You know, like you knew she was Asian. So because of that, you know because she still had like a heavy accent you know like you knew she was asian so because of that you know she had so much fears and it was a lot of me consoling her girl get a bat and go you know just walk around with this bat and go walking dead on the air yes thank goodness you were in her life

too, you know, like at that time. Because just like seriously. It was after that and when things started to get back to normal that she realized like, I think I owe you a refund. Oh, she didn't necessarily quit on you. It was just a healthy boundary, which was actually probably healing.

She's amazing. I always recommend her to so many people i'm like she was you know she got me to start talking it's just now i won't shut up that's the key that's the key but if i would even go back to um to the part where you're talking about the fear of writing right and the fear of opening up your intelligence in this and that that's why, so the fact you are comfortable with journaling at times and all of that, that's an amazing, so I would say take that, if I were to give any advice around that, it would be take that and then just take a little bit of a risk, right? Like always consulting your inner child. Can I talk a little bit more? Can I share? But particularly around your intelligence, particularly around, so it

might even be less about the feelings as it is, what is your idea? What ideas do you have? And then just letting that, letting yourself make a list of ideas. And if you're afraid of them being stolen, exploited, taken away, like finding a safe, safe spot, you know, it could be like, it could be with a locked, like a locker or a, you know, it has a good lock on it. And then you can go into it once a day or once a week and go through, okay, what ideas do I want to keep? Which ones do I want to destroy? But it's the fact that you're listening to your inner genius and your inner self.

And that one book, you've probably read it or heard of it. It's, oh God, it's about the, oh, the drama of the gifted child. Drama of the gifted child. I have not okay but i am now that might be a good one it's for the kid who's gone through a sensitive kid who's gone through a lot of trauma okay so i want to know who stole my story see you just shared your idea to the universe, so there it is. You know what? Speaking of that, though, I'm going to talk about this, especially since it's not

on the air no more, right? Originally, my first original thought for a podcast was I wanted to do what Jada Pickett did, the red table talk. Oh, okay. I don't know that one. I wanted to have a red table, and it was just because red was my favorite color. And sometimes, with, like, such a bad feeling with red you know like you think about red you think of a stop sign going too far you think of anger and i'm like red could be beautiful and so let's

sit around this red table and just Right. There is a good thing. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, but you know what? Then it might be, it's a combination of your psychic abilities. Like you're tuning into something that's happening or coming in. And you know what happens?

The fear, I just want to add this on just in case you want to comment on it too. I also, like I also often feel like people wouldn't be, aren't ready for what I have to say. Like it wouldn't be received well. Like I'm going to be called corny. They're going to call me crazy. Cause you know, every smart person is even because i as a journey of a writer when i worked with uh writers like writers organizations and so forth it is such a common especially when you're beginning to really start expressing your truths and opinions and all of this it's such a common fear and anxiety so it may help to either find like a writing course or um a book

about writing but it's like this whole piece that is like one of the biggest barriers that people have to writing is like is somebody going to steal it is it going to be ostracized am i going to be criticized am i going to be judged am i going to be shacized? Am I going to be criticized? Am I going to be judged? Am I going to be shamed, attacked, all of these things? Is the world ready for it? But they always say in writing philosophy, it's like, just sit down and write it. And if you throw it away after you write it, your choice. If you decide to do nothing with it, it's totally your choice. But then all of a sudden when you start writing it and you realize that, oh, I'm getting comfortable with this, it's building my voice. It's building my truth.

You don't want to get rid of it. And then it just gives you the fuel. And just if you can write without feeling like you have to share it with the world. And I'll cycle that back to being childhood sexual abuse survivors will tend to feel like they have to share everything that's private to everyone. That if you can actually go, I'm just going to write for myself and I'm going to write for my, um, my own voice to come forward and I don't have to share it with a soul, right? And keep it in your own private place.

And then if you decide and you're comfortable to share it with a friend, right? And then share it with a couple of friends and then see what, see how you feel and then share it with an editor you know and so then it becomes but it's people you trust it's so important that you're sharing your your soul work or your sacred work with those you trust first to develop the confidence and the courage and the ability to actually get it out to the world so now heather you know i'm your problem child right you just adopted me okay i'm just sitting here like wow that's why i'm so brilliant you know what crystal is brilliant before a second you know i'm saying like she'll come up with like, in the beginning of this episode, her question.

I didn't even put together the fact about the kids in the children's book. And she was like, hold up. Why? You ain't got no kids and you're writing. And I'm like, damn, that was okay. That was a brilliant moment. All right. And then she goes and she follows it up with, I'm smart. I just want to totally claim it right but she's a doctor she tells everybody at work ah yes okay okay

that's so cool yeah my issue with is I have an issue with learning so like I'm like very very dyslexic so I can't learn from reading or from like teaching me. I have to learn from doing it. Yes.

It's so crazy. And it's like, I legit have to do it and figure it out on my own or I won't obtain how to do it. Yeah, that makes sense. You're a hands-on practical learner, right? Like almost like kinesthetic. And yeah, I'm very similar. Like I can learn from other sources, but I have a similar, until I can actually put it down and I have to work it out myself in order to actually get it right and to actually work it. And also like all my decisions, no matter what it is, it's always emotion based. I don't know why I do that.

I kind of been that way in a long time, but it's always, you know, I do things even like fruit roll-ups. It's always like, how I'm going to feel when I eat this fruit roll-up? Now, the answer is usually, good as a bitch! But... So I eat the fruit roll-up. But it's always about the emotion behind it. You're like,

I should call Crystal. Well, how am I going to feel talking to Crystal? I think I feel alright, so I'm going to call her. I don't know why I do that, but that's kind of like. Oh, there's. So, I mean, this is that whole journey of self-discovery, right? And that everybody has. So whether you call Myers-Briggs tests or whether you do go into the spiritual realm of self-discovery, but you're most likely, like this is the highly sensitive person or empath,

right? So the empath usually makes emotional decisions. They're trusting their intuition. They call it the clairsentient, right? So there's different, there's clairvoyance, there's clairsentience, there's claircognizance. So some people just know what they know. Like, they're like, I just know it. I know that there was a tragedy down the road. Like they just know it. Whereas some people they're like, I the road. Like they just know it. Whereas some people they're like, I feel like something's really off and their emotions are telling them, you know, check this out, check this out. So you're more likely clairsentient because you're feeling based and it comes from being a highly sensitive person and more of an empath. And

especially if you're, you can also be, what is the one where it's, it's like almost like connected to your body. It's like your body tells you, it's body intuition. So the fact that you're needing to like write things out or work it out kinesthetically. So you probably have those two styles of intuition coming in. And it's like, this is that piece of really, truly, like if we all just accept, like everybody has different nervous systems, everybody has different brain wiring, everybody has different genetics, everybody has different journeys, that if we look at it as a strength rather than a weakness, and actually go, wait a minute, how do I work with this? Because it's actually part of my divine gift, right? This actually is my, this is what you can trust it, right? And what I love about that piece with your healing piece is that the journey of anyone who's had child trauma is about learning how to trust themselves. Like that's the ultimate journey is coming back to trusting yourselves on all levels with how your body feels, how your heart feels, how you're thinking, your own intelligence, because it was so much was taken, right? That's truly coming back to yourself. That's truly like listening to your inner truth. And especially as a child survivor. Do you think that you can trust other people if you don't trust yourself?

No. No. And I think you probably even know the answer to that even by that question, right? So I think that piece, it's like, especially if you've had major breaks of trust, like if major breaks of trust and you had major deception or you had major betrayals, and even to the point where your family's still gaslighting you, for example, it's a journey of learning how to go, I'm not going to trust this person. I have to trust myself enough to not trust this person. Even if this person isn't bad, they just might be gas, like they just don't want the truth to come out, right? Or they don't want. So it's almost like the piece around some of a big part of our world is learning how to,

can I trust this source? You know, can I, I can listen to it, but I have to digest it or I have to take into account what might be their agenda. What is my agenda? But the journey of, especially if you're a trauma survivor, trust has been broken. So if you don't have that fundamental capacity to trust your own knowing, and there's a place of doubting your own whether it's intuition or your own experiences then you you're at risk of trusting people that remind you of your perpetrators from the past or people who like putting people on pedestals or you know you're at risk of that because you have yet to go, wait a second, can I listen to myself?

You need to listen to that because she got this man that she would not get rid of. So, I mean, that's up to you, Crystal, so my dad, he passed away. And I always say he reminds me of my father, like in every source. But it's so complicated. My father was an evil man. Sorry, mom, if you're watching this, brothers, sisters. But at the same time, he's the one that held our family together. And when he passed, we all separated.

Right. Right. But every time he does something, I'm always like, you are my father. Wow. But it's so weird because if I could change fathers, I would. Right. So she needs to change men. Go ahead and tell her. I'm going to say it's like the family of origin force is so big.

Like the ancestral force, it's bigger than even our personal will sometimes. So we're attracted like a magnet to even the very people that we know aren't good for us. And so there's a piece here that might have to do with a little bit of your own grief work. Like, so it's okay to grieve your father who died, even if you didn't like him. I had a difficult relationship with my father, so I get it. But it's a grief of the father you didn't get. The grief of the father who did go away. The grief of the family that got separated because he seemed to be the glue. And almost like

attracting another person who's like your father is a way of creating a sense of stability or a sense of a placeholder that gives a false sense of family. So it's almost like going back into what would be the, instead of a partner, so it's almost creates, I don't know the dynamics and if there's a power dynamic here, but it's like, you're really looking for it when you're dating somebody. Ideally, it's about the equal partner, right? It's equal and it's supportive, equally supportive. And there's communication and all of this, and there's a feeling of safety. But if there's ever a power dynamic, if you feel like that would be saying you're so much like my father, having to really look at in what ways and is this good for me? And does it give me a false sense of my father still around or is the stability here or the placeholder here?

And perhaps even looking at some of the grief of losing your other family members as a family unit. But what's interesting about death, especially with somebody who has been a difficult death, and if people separate, there's actually a beautiful healing capacity for people, like finding one family member that you might be able to have an inroad with, to really get honest and start talking about, did you think about dad like start actually keeping him in the family through those conversations and even if those some people are like he was great and you'd be like wow that's interesting that you thought that you know i didn't but you're opening doors to still keep your father's energy around but there's more honesty and healing possible and then you don't need to have placeholders like what you're mentioning with

this person that you're seeing having to come in to represent your father. So it's like you're, it's not as necessary. So again, I say this with not knowing the entire story. Those are the things you just heard. You could have left that part out. Listen to what she's saying. She said, it's what's best for you. You know what I'm saying? It is about you. It is about Crystal.

But Heather, of course, we kind of ran over our hour, right? And I feel like both of us call you and we're about to do some coaching with you. But I know this conversation probably went a little bit of everywhere. Is there anything that you want to say to our audience that we did not give you a chance to say? I would just ultimately remember to take care of yourself, like ultimately love and accept yourself 100%, you know, and if you need help with navigating relationship dynamics with your family of origin, yourself, who you want to be. Like it comes back to love. It comes back to self-love. It comes back to your heart. And, you know, I, I would love to provide that kind of, um, safe space. I literally like aim for confidentiality

all the time. It's like, you can tell me anything and I'm not shocked literally. Um, because, you know, I'm very aware of the tragedies in the world and I'm very aware of the challenges and so long as they're what you're wanting to do the inner work and you're wanting to grow in in becoming a healthier boundary self-loving person um and delve in and and access that inner voice I'm I would love to help that's the biggest part now I'm I'm gonna call you and're going to have a couple of conversations. And then I'm going to bring you back on to see if you still feel that same way. I'm sure I will.

Okay, hold up. Some of these stories, I don't even know. Deal. I'll probably be like, this is amazing. Hopefully that's how you do. And honestly, you kind of like changed just us in this conversation. So if you can do that in this hour that we went over, I can imagine what you do for other people. So we thank you for what you're doing and sharing your love. And it was kind of cool because I didn't even need to ask you about love because you talked about it.

Right. Right. Right along with our season three motto. We just talk about the love space, you know, season 2.5.

You talked about it. We were very big on a safe space, finding a safe space. You did both. Healing. Right. I know you did both.

Yes. Healing is amazing. I'm going through it now and it is like i finally know what peace is and that has been the most incredible feeling for me i don't say i go through it all the time but i do know like i'm at peace and it's dope and i feel like everybody should have that but you won't have it unless you deal with your mental health and your's dope and I feel like everybody should have that. But you won't have it unless you deal with your mental health and your traumas and your inner selves and Heather can help you with that. So make sure

you give her a call. I'm going to give her a call, seriously. And I think Crystal over here too. I think Crystal needs to have some conversations with Heather. My dad was a bit of a psychopath so I'm very familiar with psychopath energy so my dad he actually passed away a couple years ago from covid but i'm giving him a shout out

he probably was a psychopath but we didn't know it but he had psychopath potential you know i'm saying yeah yeah yeah totally right i think Right. I think we all do. We all do. And that's probably, yeah, we all do. It's just if you cross the line. There you go. And I'm always walking the line. And I want to get to the point where I'm just more over there.

Okay. Exactly. It's all the choices, right? Yeah. Right. Definitely. We thank you so much for being on. Thank you so much for having this conversation with us. Thank you. Thank you so much for telling Crystal that she needed to leave her man.

And just short words. Just that little time. That's basically what you said. I heard it. I think the audience heard it too. As a matter of fact, she told everybody who was out there in a bad relationship, remember, it is about you.

Yes. And that was kind of a dope thing that you said to Crystal that I stand out. And even though we're joking and I'm not joking, but I am.

It still starts with you. It does. It totally does. Yeah. Yes. Thanks so much, Heather. Thank you. I love having you on. thanks so much heather thank you i'm definitely gonna get you back on and you will hear from us all your information throughout this episode and in our website and all those kind of things we'll share those links with you fabulous you guys for

watching and we will see you next week. I know big heart. Bye.