These Fukken Feelings Podcast© - The Odyssey of Inner Peace Amanda Kirkland's Chronicles of Transformation | Season 3 Episode 316

Episode Date: March 6, 2024

Send us a Text Message.Amanda Kirkland, once a titan in real estate development, now charts a course through the murky depths of toxic relationships and self-liberation as our esteemed guide. Her candid revelations about being the outlier in a family entangled with narcissism, and her triumph over an eating disorder, provide a beacon of hope for those grappling with similar shadows. Her transformation into a coach has not only been a journey of personal redemption but an opportunity to equip ...

you don't have to be positive all the time it's perfectly okay to feel sad angry annoyed frustrated scared and anxious having feelings doesn't make you a negative person it doesn't even make you weak it makes you human and we are here to talk through it all we welcome you to these fucking feelings podcast a safe space for all who needs it. Grab a drink and take a seat. The session begins now. What is up guys? Welcome to these fucking feelings podcast. I am Micah. Got my girl Rebecca here with me and our special guest, Amanda Kirkland. Yes, Amanda Kirkland. Yeah, yeah.

Yes, yes. I was like, I don't think you could pronounce that wrong. And actually, until I was reading a little bit about you, I didn't realize that. I guess it's Mandy short for Amanda? Do people do that? That is pretty much the only short. And why my bio says Amanda, never Mandy is, my parents told me the whole time I was growing up that there was an incident when I was, I don't know, when I say yay, hi. Let's say I was four or five and somebody went to call me Mandy and I put my hands on my hips and looked up and said my name's not Mandy it's Amanda right now in hindsight I don't know how you know valid the story was or how um much it was exaggerated because here I was just

probably a cute little kid and the story was told to me in a negative way. But I've never really been fond of it for some reason. I knew a lot of Amanda's and I knew a lot of

Mandy's but never an Amanda who was called Mandy. So when I read that, I was like, oh, I know thing we like to do here is we're going to ask you to introduce yourself to our audience um just because i don't want to leave nothing out okay um i am in ontario canada for uh your listener audience it's always neat neat to know that you've got like, you're all over the place. And I was in real estate development for 30 some odd years. And the end of a project I was working on was coming to an end. I had to decide whether to keep doing

what I was doing, or find something else to do. And it looked like trying to stay in the business, I wasn't going to be able to have the same position, seniority, income, etc. So I started venturing down a road of looking into sort of a business that I could run myself, a service that I could offer, things that I was good to do. And then I ended up working with a coach on a business idea. And little did I know that a lot of the work was centered around personal growth, not just the business aspect of things. And she was coaching coaches and that's not what I originally wanted to do. Anyway, long story short through the work I did with her and my other training with

Avalon empowerment and all the personal work I did on myself, I realized that I had been struggling with dysfunctional interpersonal relationships my whole life, be it family in the workplace, sometimes with friends. fighting and trying to change situations and change people, not realizing that it was more about me not trying to change people and me trying to look at things from a different perspective. And it didn't mean that they were faultless, but I needed to control the outcome or not control the outcome, but just control how I responded and not reacted to things. So now I'm, I'm coaching, I guess, long story. I'm coaching women and a few men who are struggling with dysfunctional and toxic relationships. I'm using, you know, my hard lived experience and training to help them avoid a lot of the struggles I went through and in a short period of time because it took me

you know until 56 to figure this out or 52 or 53 to figure it out so I want someone in their you know 20s 30s 40s not to end up having all the light bulbs go on and the puzzle come together halfway through their life. Right. Right. What were some of those experiences that you, you know, had gone through? Well, I was the black sheep and the scapegoat in the family. I mean, I had an eating disorder when I was in my early 20s. Probably now with all the pieces I've put together, that was manifested just by dysfunction in the family.

My mother exhibited a lot of, I'm going to say covert narcissistic characteristics. Um, and you know, when you're trying to piece all that together, when you're 50 some odd years old, you're like, oh, it wasn't me. And I wasn't the crazy one. And I mean, I don't want to say, I don't like using that word, but you know, there wasn't really anything wrong with me to start, but because of the, I guess, tools or lack of tools, you know, my parents had during the time, I must have been at some point reacting to things and they didn't have the tools to support me. So it sort of, I guess, manifested in me being the one with the problem, me being the unhappy one. So now that you work with people in toxic relationships, is that because you feel like that's an area that's not really covered? No, I think it is an area that's really covered. I think in terms of coaching, you know, no, I think it is an area that's really covered. Um, I think in terms of coaching,

you know, no, I'm not a medical professional, but I've been through all of it and I'm on the other side of it. And I've got, you know, trauma aware training and I've got, you know, a lot of tools with my, my, uh, uh, ENLP certification and quantum time release and change process. And with my clients, like, you know, I mean, I did talk therapy for years. It got me through the days, but it didn't peel back the onion and get to, I guess, the root cause of why I was struggling. And that came down to, you know, I work with the unconscious mind a lot and the unconscious mind is from your neck down and that 90% of your body is a stores in its cellular memory. you've said you've done and it just all compounds itself together and and creates the lens through which you see the world and the way you react and walk around in it um and when I started doing the

work of myself I started to understand you know how I was getting triggered by certain people in situations and why. And, you know, when my clients come to me, one of the things that, you know, I like to stress the other guy may be the bad guy, but at some point in time we need to take responsibility of how we may also have contributed to the situation. Right. Like I said, every situation is different. I'm not making a blanket statement. But, you know, I know when I had, you know, a narcissistic boss, who was bosses who were, you know, verbally and mentally abusive towards me, my tactic would be, you know, either to go in and be completely emotional, which got used against me because I was eating, sorry, feeding right

into their hands or, you know, sort of calling them out or poking the bear. And I was doing all the wrong things and I was trying to change them and get them to come around to my way of thinking. And like now, like I'm not wasting my energy on that. I'm glad I'm not wasting my energy on that. Right. I'm glad I'm not a bad boy. Uh-huh. Hey, I've always been a very dedicated, honest, hardworking employee or consultant.

Almost, well, to the point where, you know, and it was was I'm going to say criticized for taking my job too personally and having too much personal involvement and pride in what I was building and developing and like who wouldn't want that in someone I think we get criticized for that like every day being passionate about what you do it It's pretty crazy. Now, we talk about toxic. Toxic doesn't necessarily have to be like a thing. I'm sorry? So we're saying like when we use the word toxic, it doesn't have to be like a huge event. You know, like we talk about abuse.

Like a toxic relationship could be a lot of... No. It's, you know no it's it's you know it's it's i have a facebook post running right now and it says the silent treatment is toxic behavior and it's interesting because it's it's an ad and i myself um with social media ads i mean i'm on social media all the time, but with ads, I pretty much delete them or like don't want to see again. This has generated a lot of sort of back and forth and conversations in an ad. And I've had some people quite angry and say, you know, well, if I'm giving someone the silent treatment because I don't want to engage then it's not toxic behavior and I'm trying to explain that in the post in the scenario it was being used against me like I was being given the silent treatment by somebody and I was desperate like to have a conversation and

they just refused and it was kind of crazy making um so you know it doesn't have to be like a horrendous abuse it can be someone giving you the silent treatment ignoring you you know ghosting you um accusing you of something telling you you're making it up in your head um right you Um, I, I go back and forth with using the word toxic sometimes because I didn't know that that was the, um, I guess at the end of the day, the theme of where my struggles were was toxic and dysfunctional relationships. So, you know, I want to be able to educate my clients too, or people who are reading what I write in advance so that they know what the red flags are. Right. Oh, sorry. I thought Rebecca had something for me. So what is something that people can look into or kind of notice in order to figure out um how that

like how would a person recognize like i might be in a toxic um verbal abuse you know name calling insults belittling um gaslighting um where you start to doubt, you know, what you've done and what you've said. And that kind of makes you start second guessing yourself. You know, isolating, being isolated from friends and family. I know that I remember telling a friend a number of years ago that he'd already moved x distance away and I was concerned about him moving further out of the city with his then spouse because I'd seen that happen in my own parents relationship that you know my father became more and more isolated from his friends in the outside world. You know, when they got out of the big city into a small town.

Silent treatment is something I've mentioned. You know, I was talking to a potential client yesterday and another one the day before, and they had both gotten out of, well, one i'm going to say dumped and the other one had exited herself from relationships but they also wanted the closure with a person right and they wouldn't give it which you know we all know it's like sending an email out like or a text like can't you just even if it's one of those thumbs up um does that give you a bit of a no definitely and then um also can it be i guess like avoiding can't avoiding kind of be toxic like people who don't want to talk about things they don't want to talk things through absolutely and. And, you know, withholding affection,

blame shifting, you know, threats. Right. Now, is it the thought that these are relationships you need to get out of, or are some of them okay to try to work through? I, you know, I'm only going to speak from my personal experience. And this is, I'm being completely honest., you know, they say people aren't broken, but, you know, we can't fix and take responsibility for somebody else's behavior. And, you know, the problem is, is not everybody is, I'm going to say financially, and I'm going to say emotionally in a position to be able to just, you know, my solution is not just get up and walk out. Like it's not that easy. Um, but if you need to stay in a certain situation for a short period, a long period of time, you know, there are steps you can

take. Um, you know, and it's just the way you start addressing things, your communication style can change. You start setting boundaries if it's safe to do so. Right. But like I said, in some situations, you know, I would definitely not take on something that was, you know, where I saw some danger going on there nor would i advise a client to start you know standing up for themselves and setting firm boundaries when they've explained to me that their partner has a you know angry streak so to speak so your clients can be someone who's currently in this situation and they're trying to get out yes and and you know a lot of it is doing work on self and building confidence because when you're in those sorts of situations you know you think

you're always the one that's done something wrong right your your confidence you know isn't the highest and, you know, you need someone to sort of guide you on that journey and keep you accountable for the changes you're trying to make in your life. And, you know, I call a strategy is how you sort of handle a certain situation. And they say how you do one thing is how you do everything well if you're doing one thing and it's not working we need to come up with something new and you need to practice that over and over and over and then you're going to journal me and tell me you know this happened today and i use this new strategy and this happened etc so, so you do therapy for relationships, obviously, as we've been talking about, but do you focus on individual people and where they're going with their own personal growth as in just a relationship with self? Yeah, it is, It is relationship with self. Like, you know, I've been in the situations, like I said, I've got the training, et cetera,

but it's, it's, you know, I've pivoted. Right. But I also realized that if that many people have been interested, like I'm not here to tell my story. I'm just here to show that, you know, I, my little catchphrase, you can go from toxic to terrific. Like if I look back two years, three years, four years, like the things that have happened and fallen into place since I started on

this journey. And I was already working on stuff before. Right. It's like, it's life-changing the shifts that have happened. It's like it's life changing the shifts that have happened. It's pretty. So now to a person who's watching, I'm asking you to give some advice, right? Because, you know, my best friend stayed in a relationship for two years. She believed in finding somebody else. Sorry, you said alcoholic. It broke up a little bit. Yeah,

I had a best friend who was in a relationship for two years, and she was in a relationship with an alcoholic, and basically, she was an alcoholic, but she didn't want to be scared of being by herself. So, you know,

it was like, she knew she was in a bad relationship, but she still felt like she couldn't be by herself. What would you say to someone like her? I don't think there's much you can say until she hits the point where she realizes there's an exit point. I mean, you can listen, you can be there, you can support. Um, and you know, I think it's, it's listening, um, and being there. Cause like I said, you can't change other people. You can't change her not wanting to leave this person. Um, you know, I had, I had a very, very close friend while he's

still a close friend who, you know, will be four years sober next month. And we actually just had an exchange yesterday and, um, he was, you know, thanking me and patting me on the back for sticking around. And I'm like, I've got to be honest. I deserve that pat on the back. Cause it was not like he was doing something about it, but I said, it wasn't easy. And I had, there were some very uncomfortable times and I had to take steps back. And, um, but all that said, I had people telling me, um, like, oh, so you're going to distance himself or you're going to cut him off or you're going to do this. And I wasn't open to hearing that. A couple of times it got to the point where I was ready to, like, walk off.

But I admit that may not be the answer you want if she's safe in terms of like physically and mentally right um you know but i think if if you can be there for her yeah um i was using her example she finally eventually got over it but i felt like it took a lifetime she's in a pretty good relationship um but it was just the example i thought about because I'm scared to be crazy and I wanted to she was about to not be safe with me sorry what was that I said she was about to not be safe

with me and it's really difficult and I mean all that said I had you know the longest friend I've had in my entire life. I finally had enough and said something. She just exited and that was it.

I was the bad guy. That happened to me too. Pardon me? That same sort of thing happened to me. Really? Yeah. It sucks. It was a very toxic relationship.

It was all those things that we kind of talked about. And finally, just one day, it was like, I don't know, it came to a head, so to speak. Uh, we haven't spoken since. And are you the bad guy? Yeah. Oh yeah. I haven't cut nobody off yet,

but I feel like maybe I'll get there soon. I didn't mean to get it cut off. No. Happened. And I didn't mean to get it cut off. It just happened. And I didn't in that instance, but, you know, in hindsight, whether it was in the boardroom with a friend, I would definitely approach things in a different way. And I know I basically had it up to here. So when this incident happened, I finally went, you know, I've just had a bleep and I can say it on here. I've had a fucking awesome day.

And I'm like, you just hijacked my entire night. I'm not letting you do that again. And she snapped. That's the exact thing that came out of my mouth. And I know I shouldn't have said it that way. I should have somehow, you know, the next day said, said you know what when it comes to the guys you're dating from now on you know I'm setting boundaries this is what we discuss this is what we don't you keep asking for advice and turning around and do the opposite thing I can't take it anymore you know it's drama and laid it out like that it still probably would have gone over like a lead balloon but like i don't know i always say those were like the friendships that weren't real it was something that complimented you know it was like something about you that complimented

her in a way it's just my opinion yeah and and i started doing this different work and i don't think i was as receptive energetically to some of that stuff. You know, which happens. I know you mentioned not Micah having not like left situations or people, you know, in the case of my parents and one sibling, I've been estranged for 10 years and it was self-preservation. Right. And not everyone can do that.

It's certainly not widely accepted either. I was financially in the position and of an age that I could do it. Right. that I could do it. But again, you know, that was 10 years ago, but the load kept getting lighter and lighter and lighter and lighter. I tend to lighten my load a little bit

because I'm kind of like an empath and I take on a lot of energies and situations. But it's really hard for me. You know, I'm kind of like the example you example like every day for me is just a good day i'm just one of those people you know like i really don't have any personal stress a lot of my stress comes from everybody else you know and and their stress you know and um i think about yesterday halloween i dressed up for halloween and it was a real cool day and it was just kind of cool. And I like my outfit and I thought I looked fabulous.

But like everybody around me was breaking down and crying and having these attacks. And I'm like, I don't want to answer the phone. Like, I don't want to deal with this shit. I just want to have my great day, go to sleep and wake up tomorrow, have another great day, you know. But sometimes part of me, like I feel guilty about wanting that freedom in life. And it's, I'm working on it. I'm a work in progress. And, and you know what, I know one thing that like, I've worked very hard to create what I have right now. And I know for years and years, it was a criticism. Again, it was like, you just want this perfect little world and everything to and it's like that's not the way the world works and now I'm like you know what

I've actually got it right and um I have had two people reach out to me who like I said I've estranged myself anyway they reached out um and one was thinking it was time to just be rekindle and carry on and the other was kind of like am I still blocked you know I'd like to keep in touch and I didn't realize and it not that I need validation for what I did, but it physically made me feel sick, scared, threatened. Right. That someone was going to come in and shake up. Right. What you already have.

What I already have now. I mean, someone could say, well, does it mean you've healed from all of it and you're okay with all of it? We're still human beings at the end of the day. Like, you know, it's easy to say, don't get triggered by that. Don't get triggered. But to have the tools not to get taken out of the game, like I know I would get taken out of the game for, you know, whether it's a week, a month, I'd have to talk to everybody about it and discuss it. Now's kind of like okay this happened this is how i feel okay if your body just went into that automatic almost like you know what was it was like a trauma response definitely um and i've never really admitted you know because i don't think what i

went through was really as bad as a lot of people's stories, but I guess it's all relative, right? It is. It is. And that's one of the big things that trauma is trauma. There's no scale, like there's no scale to sin and there's no scale to trauma, you know, you know, but, um, yeah. A situation with my sister, actually kind of relationships that I had to pull back from. She and I tried to build the relationship back up because, you know, she is my sister. But over time, it's much like you kind of when I see her calling or i know that she's trying to reach out it's like that little i don't know right flag alarm goes off feeling of yeah no what's this going to bring into my life so it's funny you say that because I never really figured out what it was that was happening when I would. It's just that little trauma from the situations we've she put me through.

So that's interesting that that's probably. Yeah, I mean, it was I mean, it was an email from my dad. I like I said, I'm an open book. I never say I had a great upbringing um didn't want for anything but I didn't have the emotional support I needed right um and I think that they did the best they could with the tools they had but at the end of the day I got to figure it out on my own and take care of myself and yes they were my parents but you know you you do you and I'm gonna do me but when I um it was it was him that had reached out and um him and my sister both did because I found out my mother had

had died this summer um and like I said we'd been estranged for 10 years so the timing of it is after that it's like oh okay so she's gone so now we can carry on but when i saw the email and all it said is i saw his name and it said am i'm still blocked first thing that went through my mind is i never blocked you second get off my screen right now and I you know I put it in a file that does say dad on it which I should get rid of but anyway um and I kind of just sat on it and then a couple of hours later you know when we'd finished for the day I was talking to my boyfriend and I went to tell him and all of a sudden my hand started shaking and my whole body, I had a physical reaction to it. And I, I was like, yeah, there's something up there. So Rebecca, you know, if that makes you,

like, I remember when I was just doing the original, like a strange man or leading up to it and setting boundaries. And the dread of seeing the phone go with one of their names come up. Like, it was terrifying. And I'm not suggesting you were terrified, but, you know, go with your gut and tread gently. You know, I know when one sister tried to, I don't know what she was trying to do, but my other sister kind of said,

you're called the crazy aunt. Don't trust her. So, just protect yourself. Definitely. For sure. I get scared every time it doesn't matter who it is

I manage truckers we both do actually so you manage truckers and anytime they call me and it is not normal work hours it's like my heart starts pumping

oh god every worst possible situation. I don't know why we do that to ourselves sometimes, but it's like, you let the phone ring, just answer it and find out what's going on, you know? Well, and, and that said, when I got one of the, the original email from my sister and it was on LinkedIn, I wasn't going to respond to it. I was going to go silent treatment.

And then I had a discussion with Sean about it. And he's like, if you do that, you're going to wait till the other shoe drops. So I'm kind of probably in that same position with the email, like, but I don't want to engage. I don't want that back in my life. Yeah. If I sent the message to her, surely he has it. Right. Right. That makes sense. So just a funny aside, not a funny aside, but my,

let's call her my sister from another mister. There's a funny story there, but not for today. She actually was, she just sent me a photo the other day. She was a truck driver in Australia, but she sent me a picture of this truck and it was the front cab. And I think four more. So it was like, I did the math on it and I'm like, is that like a 32 or 48 wheeler?

And this is a woman. I mean, she's, she's a tough one, but it was, yeah, it was, well, there's, it's an 18 wheeler. It's a front cab in the back piece. And then there were two more 18 wheelers behind it. And that's what she used to drive. That's crazy. drive. Sheesh. That's crazy. Yeah. Sheesh.

I couldn't be one. I couldn't be in a car that long. It just drives me crazy. Some of these guys do like 12 hours a day. And I'm like... This guy's got a turkey flew through his windshield yesterday. So, I mean... Oh, really?

Lord, anything comes out of the sky at these guys yeah and this is the second time that we actually had someone who had a turkey through their window oh my god so anything happens in these days I know you talk a lot about love

as well and we're kind of focusing season three on love. So why do you incorporate that? Why is it so important in the work that you do? I'm not quite following. Love, like you talk a lot about love. I've seen a lot about love on your website and just in things to talk about. I guess, is it self-love? Self-love.love yeah yeah sorry i was like huh oh i was like include

the word self like self kind of love yeah no and it it it is i mean we've got to take care of ourselves before we can um and be like healthy in mind and body and spirit and soul you know so that we go out into the world and we spread that energy versus us bringing toxic negative energy out like i'm sure there's a lot of people that didn't want to be around me or were sick and tired of hearing you know me go on um but it's you know i've just recently moved um out of the city into a you know smaller neighborhood and like I'm seeing the way I'm being um received by other people now like in particular other women and you know I'm like this never happened before you know I was at a networking event um you know, I'm like, this never happened before. You know, I was at a networking event, you know, in there to promote business, but also, you know, make connections.

And I had two women just reach out to me after that were like, you know, I want to have a coffee like in person and didn't get to chat much. And I was like, okay okay this is happening to me now it's like and it never and i and i have nothing shitty to discuss like you know technically everything's good i mean i had a few challenging months just you know moving from living with someone for the first time to like you know then buying together and moving in together and it wasn't someone moving into my space and there was finance so i was like i was hitting all sorts of definitely stuff but i'm processing it all differently for the most part and yeah just so i guess the self-love and self-care it's like you know i invested a lot

of time and money in myself i not and it was accidental i didn't set out to do it but it's the best thing i did definitely that's great yeah i agree yeah for sure i've been chomping at the bit to ask about and i don't mean to change the subject suddenly just it's one of those things that happens in my mind. Yeah. I sit on something for so long because that's just me. Anyway, the quantum release, time release, and the quantum change process, I have just been dying to know exactly what that is or more about that.

A lot of it is worked with the unconscious mind. Um, the quantum time release is basically I, it's a, it's a script and I guide the clients through sort of a journey and it's a bit of a, um, you're, you're releasing negative emotions and limiting decisions and your unconscious mind won't release anything until it knows it's safe and you're ready to start handling it. So, you know, when you're releasing without getting into the nitty gritties, you know, you're going sort of floating up with your eyes closed and out into the beautiful universe. And there's an event and it doesn't have to be a specific event, but it's like, you know,

I learned when you're talking about releasing anger, for example. So it could be, there was a situation and it just brings awareness to stuff that you may not have had awareness. And then the quantum change process is um the same sort of like a bit of a meditative journey um where we're going through your family of origin um significant significant love relationships and it's forgiveness work. So not, what's the right word? Not

saying that their behavior was excusable, but it's, you know, saying you made me feel, and then I forgive you for, and looking at it from the perspective that there was a reason the person behaved that way. So all of it is just what your unconscious decides it's going to come up with. So it's, it lightens the load. Um, cause when you come out of it, you know, there's a lot of stuff you've probably said and feelings you had and that you're, you're in a safe space releasing. I hope that answers your question it absolutely does yes i'm gonna tell you what it did for me right i'm watching this show on hulu

called the clearing yeah have you heard of heard about it or i don't know if i have but it is a clearing process right but this is a kind of negative that's like it's kind of crazy to put them all together but it just made me kind of doing a yoga class and it was kind of negative. It's like, it's kind of crazy to put them all together, but it just made me kind of doing a yoga class. And it was kind of like a woman empowered type of yoga class, you know, like don't let men do this and don't stop letting people, you know, make choices for you.

This isn't anything like that. Yeah, I know, but it got to a point where they were like meditating and she told her, she says, think of something like think of your paradise. Think about what your happiness will look like. And she pictured her husband's funeral. OK, so that like a couple of days later, he ends up dying. So, you know, it's like about manifesting and stuff like that.

Like I said, it was a really bad example. But when were talking because i guess that's where your mind was going yeah i just saw the episode yesterday and i was like no there's there's no prompting here there's no um none of it is like context so we're not reliving the trauma we're trying to you know shake it up and break it break it apart and release it. Right. And now you brought up family origin. Why is that important in the healing process? Because that's where we basically start. Right. So, you know, it's your parents are the ones that from you coming into this world as a completely innocent little child. And then, you know, the sometimes not very nice world gets its teeth into you.

You know, they're your caregivers. They're your teachers. Like, you know, I was told I wasn't born with the proper coping skills. And when I've told some people that now, they're like, well, you weren't supposed to learn them yourself. Right. Nobody's born with them. No. Well, your parents were and I didn't know a lot about my grandparents, but I can now piece together the things I do know and go, oh, that's why she was like this or he was like this, or they weren't strong enough when it came to this, that or the other. Or they were behaving this way because they obviously didn't feel like they were good enough.

So it's, it's understanding like that history. And, you know, there's, when you talk about generational trauma, I mean, it's also breaking those patterns. And if estranging yourself, you know, means breaking a pattern. I mean, I didn't have children, but my other sister did who's estranged. And one of the reasons she wanted to do that was because she didn't want her sons to be subjected to that dysfunction. So it's breaking those repeating patterns. Right. You definitely. Now, is there like a stage in a person's healing process where they should seek your services?

Or is it something that you can start with the ground up from? I think people get to a point where, you know, they've done as much as they can on their own. And, you know, you can go to a weekend retreat. You can read lots of books. You can go talk to, and I'm not bashing on chair therapy because I did it for years. It got me through things. I think it's more advanced or different than it is now, but I went and rehashed what had happened. Right.

And, you know, he was on my side. um when you're doing coaching it's more like pushing the client to look at themselves and doing the work on themselves because the other person like you know yes we can work on how you're going to get through it but the other person or the work scenario um you know because that's one of the other ones that's a big focus is, you know, dysfunctional leadership. And I think somebody needs to be at the point where they tried a lot of things. They're fed up. They've had it. Cause you've got to really want it. Right. Sure. And if someone wants to start from the ground up,

have at it. That's great, too. Just acknowledging that you want to do really want to do that work is huge. Right. Definitely have to be willing to put in the work and ready to hear something. I know part of my issue was when I started uncovering my trauma, I started realizing how much trauma there was. And I was like, there is no person that's going to want to deal with me and all this shit. I'm sure there is.

I'm sure there is. So have you dealt with it? I am still dealing with it. I'm still kind of like in my healing process. I did conventional therapy too. I had a therapist for two years. It was like you. I mean, it taught me how to talk, which was like a really great benefit because I needed to get things out. Get it out. Yeah. I never had a problem getting it out. And that was one of the problems I kept at home.

I kept explaining why I was unhappy or why I was this. And it was like falling on deaf ears. They didn't get it. So talking and getting things out is, I believe, very healthy. It is. It is. I didn't do it for so long. I went to a second class when I was younger. So I was taught to be mute, basically. I'm sorry.

It happens. so you know i'm sorry yeah it happens but to actually find a therapist who got me talking and i was like you know what fuck it i'm gonna take this chance you're asking all these questions i'm gonna tell you why i feel yeah i'm gonna tell you why i feel the way i feel when i feel like this but no well you know what good for you because that's like sharing your story and owning like I referenced earlier I had a call yesterday and then one the day before with potential clients and you know they booked a 30-minute call with me they got on the phone and basically revealed all right you know a couple of secrets too so to speak and there were a couple of tears and i was like you know what i'm really proud of you like getting on and just sharing that with a complete stranger that's huge right i mean it's something that we believe in of course is the

reason why i have this podcast i kind of i started healing and in healing i started to find peace and i was like okay this exists you can like go to sleep peace. And I was like, okay, this exists. You can like go to sleep and not worry about shit. Like this is nice. But then my problem is because I want to share everything. I feel like everybody should know what this is like. So, yeah. So the message is you have trauma, deal with it.

Okay. Because if you're not dealing with your trauma you're never going to find peace no you know no and i mean that's it's easier said than done because like i said i tried to say it's it's relative so you know i would think that i i'd want to shut up about my story when i found it about yours because it's in my opinion it's like nothing i've said the same thing to him yeah and i but i just feel like everybody's story like it's your own and that's what makes us us you know it's like we don't have to compare trauma because i feel like a paper cut that's the worst you experience can be the bad as me having cancer you know yeah and and i remember there were years and years i was like well it's not like it's relative in in my world like i don't care about everything else out there

so you're right in that sense too and i mean you know i i have minimalized certain things um and sometimes i probably shouldn't because they had more of an effect on me than i realized yeah and i mean no one can tell you your journey and how to heal and any of those things. You know, it's yours. And I'm pretty sure it's coach people into kind of journey. Is it hard to kind of get people to follow your instructions? I know that sometimes to me, people hit their people hit their shit right they do yeah yeah people hit their shit and um i remember one client i was working with um i had a few suspicions about a few behavioral things but it wasn wasn't, I didn't, you know, I wasn't going to call her out on it. I was going to see what transpired.

And there was one day that, you know, I'd got a message. We were supposed to have a session and then like two minutes before she canceled. And I, my spotty sense was like, okay, I'm not quite buying this. So as per the contract, I was like, you know, I have to charge a cancellation fee because there wasn't 24 hours notice and blah, blah, blah. Well, she lost it. And like, you know, basically, how dare you? And you know, my doctors don't even do that and this, that and the other. And I remember going

to like a coaching support call and I was pretty like you know she kind of took a strip out of me and then it was like where were you at what session were you at and I was like well we just finished doing this and this and this and they're like yeah that's the bifurcation point you shook everything up right and she freaked out right and then i did discover that um the same during the same time period she had fired her best friend of 25 years so yeah i mean but it it didn't take me out for that long but i was still like oh my god am i not doing my stuff right but she she was really ready to get halfway through but not ready to take responsibility for some of her behaviors and now and when I, when I pushed it.

Right. Too much. Yeah. If she was willing to come back, would you let her? Oh, absolutely. Okay, cool. Just make it so. Yeah, no, absolutely. It was, uh, you know, I mean, I've been backed into a corner in, in my life historically. And I, I'm still not, someone tries to do that to me, I don't respond to that well. Right, right. And I wasn't trying to do that, but I was like, okay, I mentioned earlier about new strategies, right?

So I was like, okay, when this happens with your ex-husband or this happens with your son, you know, when you use this new one, like write about it. And I was like, I don't want to lose momentum because we didn't have the session this week. And it was all very nice, not like hard ass, but it was still like, this is your homework and you got to do it. And you know, if you don't, we agree there's a consequence that you're not going to watch. I didn't put that in the email, but you're not going to watch Netflix for two nights this week. Cause that was one of our coping strategies.

Netflix. Yeah. So it's like I said, it's it's hard work. Well, you are not taking away my fruit roll ups. OK, so I'll let you know that is my. You guys are funny. I love this. There have been several. Yeah. I mean, my fruit roll ups is a thing. People keep trying to take

away they got their own pillow on my bed where i lean the box and he is crazy i like wake up at three o'clock in the morning with my yuck mouth and like eating fruit roll-ups yeah i'm addicted i think he needs help with that i do he needs he needs hypnotherapy to get rid of the fruit roll-up addiction. And I had someone, one of our guests that came on, and she was like, well, you can get, like, natural. He eats those at 3 a.m. and the sugar's sitting in there and just decaying his teeth. No, actually, my teeth are pretty good. I'm glad they are. But no, I worry about that, too.

But you know what? I'm about to buy me a smile. So then I don't got to worry about it. Lord. So, yeah. But how long have you been doing this? I did want to know that. Like how long? I guess, number one, how long have you been on your healing journey yourself? And then how long have you been coaching others um i mean i've been coaching for the last three years but my healing journey has been ongoing um without even knowing it half the time but i mean i guess even getting over the eating disorder disorder was the start of the healing journey. And that would have been in my early, so 30 years.

But I didn't have the stuff that I've learned the last few that was the most important. And those are the pieces of puzzle that we're missing so i can take those you know and give them to my 33 year old self yeah you know i'm not complaining about where i am now because i managed to get here and there was a reason obviously you know i'm not spiritual but there must have been a reason you know i don't believe that when some people have gone down horrible paths but you know me because there's no way i want to say to you there's a reason that happened to you as a child so that you're sitting here today doing this and speaking to people because that just sounds like i got goosebumps saying that like that's kind of sick

yeah no i say the same thing yeah i hate what people say that so like everything happens for a reason I'd be like who's reason yeah yeah so I'm not I I say that in my scenario but at the same time I'm like but why did I also have to go through that why didn't I get those 20-25 years that everybody else had where they were you know had a great group of friends. I'm sure everything wasn't perfect, but you know, they married, had a couple of kids, you know, did regular Christmas, Thanksgivings and Easter's. And I was doing dysfunctional ones and then them on my own for 10 years. And, you know, I had my first Halloween yesterday. I've always lived in condos or like apartments and we're in a house now it was my first halloween at 56 in an actual house and sean decorated the front with you know dollar store stuff and we carved the pumpkins and i counted 70 kids wow and you know what i had some kids knock on my door

yesterday and i was so mad that I forgot to get candy. Why didn't you give them some fruit roll-ups? Because that's mine. Okay. They belong to me. And I know that it is... Those little kids went home with nothing in their bag. I know it's my comfort food or my guilty pleasure.

It is all those things. It just makes me feel better. I could just eat a fruit roll roll up and go to sleep. You know what? I'm like that with my hollandaise sauce. I don't like sharing it with anybody. There you go. Everybody has a thing. I don't.

I don't have a single thing. So you're going to wait until we almost over to start lying to Amanda. so you're gonna wait until we almost over to start lying to amanda so now amanda before we do close out is there anything that you want to share with our audience that we didn't allow you to say no i think it was more of a you know a free-for-all like i hope your audience you know takes away maybe a little tidbit here i mean i wasn't on here to advice or coach it was more you know see that it is possible right to go from having all these struggles to like creating a life that you're really happy with and you know that it doesn't mean you're not going to still get

challenges but you know you've got different supports and different tools to, to manage the scenarios than you may have before. Right. Definitely. Now I'm going to ask you for some advice, right? Because that's why I do this for free therapy. So I told you guys, or everybody knows, I mean, I've talked about it before, but I kind of went through a lot of sexual assault and all those things. And it was at the hand of men.

And so I have an issue with men touching me. Just, you know, you're in a club and people walk past you and they grab your waist. You know, but for my whole life, I had female barbers and I just got a male barber, but the emotional stress that I go through to go to this barber, to let him cut my hair and he's touching my neck. And then he has to shave up around the lips and like my stomach hurts. And now I'm like sweating and I'm like, can you turn the fan on? And they're like, it's three degrees in here, you know? And it's like, is that healthy?

Would you think that's healthy? I mean, as far as me still doing it. I think it's, I think it's completely a normal reaction. I mean, like I said, I have an email come up. Right, right. And it's a name that brings me back to the past. Is it going to get easier? I certainly hope so I mean there are I'm I'm

trying to remember what the name of it because I have a modality and it's an exercise and one of my coaches my training coaches did it with me and it was um it was like basically a fear because I sometimes get panic attacks driving and I was having to do a night drive and we were on a call and Danny's like, do you want to do this? I'll have to look it up and I'll email it to you. Cause it's sort of like a one, it's a one pager, but it's like you can almost do it before going in, but that's normal. That is like, and good for you. It's normal. But sometimes I question, i question like i gotta keep going back like why

do you keep putting your body through this like are you so vain because the haircuts are really really good but it's like that's the other part like like do you want to go meet the perpetrator again or you know be on the witness stand and like be facing them i mean if that's you know triggering and putting your body into that much stress then it's not safe right so you know go back to a female barbara i mean you may have just done it to challenge yourself to show yourself right where you're at um and maybe you know know what, you've done it once, you weren't comfortable, you know, go back to the females and maybe another year from now, you'll try it again. Yeah. I'm actually not really ready to give it up yet.

Oh, okay. Like it's something, I just kind of wanted to get your opinion. I kind of always, like I said, your advice off of here. I'm not, I'm not ready to give it up yet. I feel like I'm starting to like now, for a long time, I was like, damn, every time I go to the barber, I get sick. You know, I wasn't putting two and two together. Now I'm understanding why I get sick. So even though it is traumatizing, it is also healing me because I'm starting to learn like those things that trigger me that in real life triggered me. Well, this is like me and driving certain places and night and whatnot. I'm like, hey, you got to do this.

Right. But it's scary. It is scary. It is scary. And I do know that if it ever gets to the point where I don't feel safe or it becomes too much that I do need to stop. You know, I'm not addicted to my Barbara or nothing, but I still am not giving up my food roll-ups. Gotcha.

All right, cool. Well, of course, we're going to list all of your contact information and the episode on our website and all those kinds of things. Any last minute words for our people? We are focusing on love. So I want you to give some love advice to our audience.

Oh, love yourself. Love yourself. Very simple, right? The best advice ever. And yeah, and the rest will follow. Okay. I hear a smash hit coming. Yeah, it's pretty simplistic.

But well, you guys have been really fun to chat with I didn't have to I always get told I'm not smiling enough but I think I actually made up for it today you did I'm glad that you did it with us

of course we're going to stay in contact we're going to pass all your information on and I want to send you a pillow so you have to send me your address and yes we can send it to Canada I would love one thank you and I'll reach out and provide all the information on the episode

amazing did you have something else to say? I have nothing else to add I think I did enough talking me too thank you guys so much for watching and we will see you next week I have nothing else to add. I think I did enough talking. Me too. Thank you guys so much for watching and we will see you next week.