These Fukken Feelings Podcast© - Triumph Over Trials: JJ Singleton's Valiant Voyage Through Cancer | Season 2.5 Ep: 108.5

Episode Date: May 31, 2023

Send us a Text Message.In a profoundly intimate installment of the These Fukken Feelings Podcast, Micah and Rebecca welcome the indomitable JJ Singleton to their audio stage. As a beacon of resilience, JJ recounts their tumultuous journey battling colon cancer, from the chilling diagnosis to the roller-coaster of treatments. Listen as they bare the raw realities of the illness, encompassing the harrowing surgical procedures, taxing chemotherapy sessions, and the omnipresent cloud of uncertain...

you don't have to be positive all the time it's perfectly okay to feel sad angry annoyed frustrated scared and anxious having feelings doesn't make you a negative person it doesn't even make you weak it makes you human and we are here to talk through it all we welcome you to these fucking feelings podcast a safe space for all who needs it. Grab a drink and take a seat. The session begins now. What is up, guys? Welcome to these Fucking Feelings Podcast, season 2.5, where we'll continue to talk about mental health. I am Micah.

I have my girl, Rebecca, over here with me. Hi, everyone. We have here today with us J.J. Singleton. Hey, everybody. So we believe on this show that no one can sell you like you can sell you. So go ahead and introduce yourself to our viewers. My name is J.J. Singleton. I'm from a small town in North Carolina near Asheville called Canton. I am a 35-year-old cancer survivor. I was diagnosed at 27 with colorectal cancer and have been fighting ever since going through the whole ups and downs of life with cancer,

the mental health issues that it brings. And I've just recently kind of found my place where I'm able to talk about it and hopefully, you know, impart some wisdom and help others that are just going through it. Right. Definitely. So are you in remission now? No. Back in 2016, about six weeks after I finished what I thought was my chemo, the 12 rounds, my cancer came back and spread. And it is a I have some weird mutations and the tumors came back in an area where they can't remove it. So I'm considered incurable. The cancer is still active in my body. So I have treatment every three weeks. Wow. So you when you first got cancer, what was that like?

It threw me for a complete loop because I don't have much or didn't have much experience with cancer other than what I've seen on TV. And all I'd heard of colon cancer, I thought that was like what my grandpa was supposed to have, like old black guys. And I was 27. I was a former small-time old black guys. And I was 27. I was a former small-time college football player. I was in shape. I was doing CrossFit. I was like, how can I have cancer? Right.

Yeah, that's what I was going to ask, like what you were doing when you were 27 at the time. Yeah, I was actually just trying to get my life back together. Like I got hurt playing football, kind of let myself go, enjoyed the college life a lot, even years after I was done with college. So I gained a lot of weight in 2015. I started working out, going to CrossFit, getting a diet. I got a new job and was like really like, OK, done with the partying and having fun stage. You know, now I'm trying to grow up and then cancer came right isn't that crazy like how that kind of happens sometimes i was like you know two years ago when i was you know drinking way too much going and eating horrible foods at all time i was like maybe could have understood it but right and and it's crazy

because i always hear stories about like people who get lung cancer, but don't smoke. You know, you think that lung cancer is like a smoking thing. And then there's people who never smoked before. So I think that's the retarded thing about cancer is that anybody can legit get it. Yeah, definitely. I had no idea about how like intricate it was and how many different ways you could get it and how different it was for everybody until I was in the middle of it. Wow. Do you have a good support team behind you? Yeah, I do. I have a very, very supportive family. I live in such a small area. My whole family lives within about 10 minutes of each other. And then my friends I've had, my two best friends I've had for over two decades almost. And it's, you know, a bunch of people I went to school with my whole life still live around here. And then just getting out in the cancer community, I've made some of my

best friends in the world, just like online, especially during COVID and stuff like in the shared experiences. So I have a very good support team in all the different areas. That's great. So going back to when you were first diagnosed, was it terminal at the time or? No, when I first got diagnosed, it was just in my colon. So it hadn't spread the lymph nodes or anything at the time. So I went in for surgery it was a

huge tumor they took about 80 of my colon out and they were like you're you're young i did genetic testing and that's how i got cancer so young i have something called lynch syndrome which makes me more a predisposition to have cancers of anywhere from the anywhere in the digestive system pretty much and it was genetic but my family we had no idea we had it that's crazy so you don't know anybody in your family prior to you ever having it a lot of my family didn't really like going to doctors and we live in that small area so right and two ago, they never went to a doctor and they didn't question, you know, if somebody died, it was, you know, that was what it was. And so, and genetic testing is so new. It's came in such a long way in the last like decade, decade and a half. So.

And my family is probably completely different because everybody who has passed away on my mom's side has passed away from cancer. So it's like I know it's in my genes. It's kind of horrible because there's always that fear like, oh, yeah, like I'm sneezing. No, I actually met a nurse once and she was oncology nurse and we were talking and she told me that every time she was sick, she thought it was cancer because of some of the stories her patients told them. Like, is this something like, oh, I had the sniffles and I went to the doctor and he told me I'm in stage four cancer. Yeah, it's it's definitely always in the mind now. And I know I felt bad at times for my family because now they're like every time they have a stomach ache or have something in the issue, they're like, is that it?

Definitely. And I actually that's what I was going to ask. So you get this diagnosis, you have cancer. How did your family take it? They were super supportive off the bat, but I could tell we were all just kind of numb for a while. And over the time, especially with my surgery, and then I had about six weeks to recover before I started chemo. They were they accepted it more because at first it was like I was, you know, one of the grandkids or the kids. They're like, how is that supposed to happen? Where the adults were thinking, like, I'm the one that's supposed to be having it. But over time, they accepted.

And then we just kind of moved along from there because it's a long road. Chemo was horrible and I wouldn't have made it through without them there. And I think they took solace in that knowing that they were helping me in their own way. Right. And I was going to ask that too. I said, oftentimes, you know, people get cancer and they tell their families and now you end up consoling them. Yeah. You're going to be OK when you're the one that needs the consoling. Yeah, I do have that.

Like, I remember sitting in the hospital when they were having to take me down for an emergency surgery because something wasn't healing right after one of my surgeries. And I see my mom and my stepdad and then they just start breaking down crying. And I'm over there like, I can't be doing that in here it's like now i'm feeling horrible on top of the pain and top of everything but i totally understand it but yeah it was it was a rough situation yeah so i guess speaking of that um because i'm feeling horrible like did you did you have any like guilt about like your family now having to deal with this? Yeah, I've dealt with a lot of guilt, especially in that way, because now my younger brothers, they all have to get colonoscopies every few years. And as much as I joke around with them about it like that, you know, your Christmas present from me or something. I still hate they even have to have that in their mind.

But it is a good point, what you said. It's still also a blessing, too. Yeah. You know, it's like, okay, I got to go over three years, but at least they'll know, you know? Yeah, definitely. It helps, and they've had some pilots cut out, too, and stuff. Nothing bad. And then just the guilt of putting everybody through the emotional trauma of seeing me suffer so bad through this.

Definitely. And I know even at one time they gave your life a limit, didn't they? Yeah. When my cancer came back, it spread to my abdominal wall and it was a non-solid tumor. So that's why they can't cut it out or surgically remove it because it just kind of floats around my abdomen. And at that time they were like, all right, this is bad. It spread there to lymph nodes throughout your body, your resistance to this kind of chemo. So we're going to put you on different treatments, but you got maybe a 25% chance to be alive in five years.

Isn't that crazy to hear? How long ago was that? I beat that two years ago. So that was June of 2016. So I'm, you know, I'm beating the odds every day. Right. Right. It was kind of funny. I told Rebecca when we started the show, like we actually bought the, we bought the interview a miracle. Definitely. It was in many ways because it was a clinical trial drug that saved my life. So it was just, yeah, miracles all around.

Yeah, that's why I look. Thank you to all the scientists out there and people who dedicate their life to finding cures for everything, but especially cancer. So we pay homage. How much? How do you say it?

Look, I'm over here. Homage. Now in that. Sheesh. I did have a question and look, it's gone now and all that. Sheesh, I lost it. Okay, we go to Rebecca.

So when you were originally or initially diagnosed and you had all the support from your family, what was the first thing you initially felt? The very first thing was a numbness. I remember that day I got diagnosed, I remember going to the doctor because I was that typical man who ignored my symptoms for months. By the time I went to the doctor, you could see the tumor throb through my skin. Wow. And I was actually about to ask,

what were some of those symptoms? Yeah, just a very huge, painful throbbing in my abdomen, which I was like, that's a pulled muscle. Always in my head, always had that excuse. Changing my bathroom habits, blood in my stool, horrible acid reflux. But when I went to the doctor and then they did the scans and they were like, you have a mass in there. We were going to schedule a colonoscopy the next Tuesday because that was a Labor Day weekend. And as soon as they said mass, I knew it was cancer. Everything I've been dealing with the last couple of months lined up perfect. And I was just completely numb. I don't remember leaving the doctors. I don't remember driving home. I don't hardly remember telling my

family. I went to each, like my dad, my grandparents. And a few days later, it kind of just hit. And the first thing I was like, I'm not going to see the age 30. I thought I was going to die. Because in my mind and what you see on TV, it's either the miracle or you die. And that's where my mind went first. And it terrified me so bad. I couldn't speak or move for the rest of the day. I saw a clip of where you were talking about where you had to move from one of, from the main facility you were getting your treatments at and had to go down the road to a completely different one.

Yeah. That's a, I'm a, I'm on, you know, the Medicaid Medicare and the new rules with that in North Carolina, they can kind of switch you to places because the place I'm on is like a bigger, the place I'm going now is a bigger run organization. So they can offer the drugs cheaper than where I was at my cancer center. And that's just the issues of politics and healthcare. And it's kind of crazy. Yeah. And I was going to say the same thing as like, when you think about it, when you think about someone going through cancer, you never think about like them having

to go through insurance issues. You don't think about that being part of the stress. Oh yeah. I was that typical, you know, single 27 year old. I remember a couple of months before I was diagnosed, I worked for my family. They were like, you need to get insurance. I'm like, I don't want that much money coming out of my check when I can spend that going to have fun going out with my friends. So when I got sick, it was automatic. I had to do the government, Medicaid, Medicare. And especially when it came back, got put on, you know, disability because I can't work with the treatments. So it's, they kind of run my life. They tell me if the drugs are, they're going to reimburse it, where to go get them at.

If you could describe chemotherapy, like how would you? The absolute worst thing I've ever went through. I was just talking to somebody earlier. I remember the doctors because, you know, most oncologists have never went through it. They, they administer it and they were just like, is a,

it's going to be like a horrible hangover. And I went in and I'm very good at those. I had plenty of practice in my day and it was nowhere close. It's, it's really hard to put into words other than everything hurts. I can have a diarrhea and constipation at the exact same time, which I thought was impossible, but it's not like a true paradox. Yeah. And then it's just, it's different for every single person. Like I have horrible mouth issues, like mouth sores from my lips all the way down to my throat. You can hear me like kind of slurring my words now.

Cause I've got so used to talking with how the chemo's changed my saliva. It's like so thick and stuff. It just like pulls up and then skin issues and it's, it's hell pretty much is the easiest way to put it. I can imagine. Is there ever a moment where you're able to just kind of escape everything that you're feeling and going through? Yeah, that was the, one of the most important things. It took me probably about two years into it to realize I needed to escape this kind of life with cancer.

And for me, it was Star Wars. I've always been a huge nerd, loved that stuff, but was never really into Star Wars until it was snowing here one winter or one night. The power went out and my uncle had the recordings of the movies. Put them on. And for the first time in 18 months, I wasn't thinking about the pain or me having cancer. And then that just snowballed into now, you know, all the shows, movies, I read the books. And it's just any little thing, any like thing like the Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings. And me and my dad, we go watch football at Virginia Tech in the fall. So those little trips like that, just any little thing, even for 30 minutes a day, that escape is all the difference in the world.

That's great. So I wanted to go back in conversation because, you know, we're scattered, Brain. I wanted to go back to you being told that you had a 25% chance of living. What is the initial mindset at that time? What did you go through at that moment? I actually just wrote a blog about the memory of that day about a couple of weeks ago. I was at Duke Cancer Center when they told me that. And the first thing I did, I went back to the hotel room and I sat in the shower for probably two hours, just kind of didn't want to move. Didn't think I had any purpose of my life left.

I'm like, if you told me I got a one in four chance to be alive in five years with the luck I've had the last year I won't even see 30 right and then that's kind of where I was like I'm gonna do everything I can put up with any amount of pain or treatment to see 30 for myself for my family and friends and I'm a very like I guess for my athlete days goal- person, like you give me something to work towards and I'm going to try to get there. And that was the goal that I had set in my mind and I was going to do everything to it. That's great. Um, at what, at what point did you ever feel like maybe depression was setting in? Yeah. Depression. Like I think when I first got diagnosed in my first, you know, 12 rounds of chemo, which was expected, and then I was thinking I was going to be done.

I was so set on that end goal date that I had blinders on to everything. I wouldn't let emotion come into me. So it was when the cancer came back that I really felt the depression, the anxiety, just the weight of everything. Because now this is the rest of my life. However long that's going to be, there's no end date to this. And I couldn't handle it at that time. And I went deep in depression. And then I progressively got worse for the next six months or so. And it ended up like cancer grew around my stomach where I couldn't eat, like no food could leave my

stomach. So I got fed through this tube called TPN, which was an infusion. So I was in bed about 22 hours a day for 14 months. And that was when the depression and everything just overtook my whole life. Wow. Understandably. Wow. Yeah. There was, there was no food or anything. I had drains coming out of my stomach. So anything I drank, it was just to wet my mouth and it would go out of these drains. So for 450 days, that was, I got. All the nutrients was in this liquid that got injected into my chest. That is crazy. Yeah, it was. And I guess because you said you was goal-oriented,

but you had to have those moments where you were like, I just want this to end. Yeah, that was one of the first times. Laying in bed at night, I couldn't sleep because I heard the pump doing that infusion constantly and i was like this life is i don't know if it's worth living anymore i was like i can't you know see the good if because at that time i thought this was it this was the rest of my life until the cancer one or until i just couldn't handle it anymore right was laying in

bed and the only time i left the house was really to go to doctor appointments or chemo. And there was times. And that was kind of, it scared me enough. That was when I reached out to go to my very first therapist. Cause it scared me enough. I was like,

one day I'm not going to be able to talk myself out of this. And I'm going to make my family come in here and open the door and see what I did. And that scared me to death. Yeah. So your family still pushed you in a way. Oh, yeah, definitely. Family, friends. They were out. I just couldn't wrap my head around doing that and having them come in to find me or see me and putting that on them. Right. Right. And how is your family now with everything? Is it just like a big routine?

Yeah, they're, they're good. They, they know I struggle a lot, but they support me through the therapy or to go to therapy and anything that I need to do to kind of get my mind in the right place and to help with my mental health. They're fully behind me. Do you think doing your videos and your blogs might be a little bit of a help to your mental health? Oh, definitely. Being able to talk about it and then that's caused me to have connections with people

in this community, like in the cancer world. And they know exactly what I'm feeling because it's not isolated just to me. All these feelings that are so hard to put into words to people that's never had cancer. They get it right off the bat. And we can talk about it in a way that I can't with even my therapist or my family, because it's one of those things you just have to be in there in there to truly understand it right and um so you said cancer community you talked about this community um i guess what does it feel like going through what you're going through and seeing the the state of the world right now it's like we don't have a community community i feel like this world is as hell right

now yeah it's your community is like it sounds close-knit tight you know look out for each other yeah i'm in a few different kind of groups one is a group just for man with cancer and it kind of developed on facebook and we have like meetups now and there's over 2000 members now and they give me hope because I see, you know, the people struggling like I was and I am. And then I see the hope of people that's been, you know, cancer free for years and beat it. And then I have groups of the advocacy groups that we come together. We share, you know, the colorectal cancer and we're fighting for the next generation not to have to suffer like we have. And there's just a sense of togetherness and unity that I don't see in the world at all today outside of that kind of place, which is sad, too, for the world. Definitely. Definitely. And that's why I was saying it must be hard. You know, just talking to you now, you know, I was talking to Rebecca a few days ago and I'm a person that's kind of always sick and stuff, too.

And I was telling her, like, girl, sometimes I just think it ain't worth it no more. Like, I'm just ready to go. But then I listened to your story and it was like, wow, like I'm complaining about this. I mean, those days are going to come to everybody. I think even, you know, people that don't have to deal with cancer, just life's hard. And especially today, it keeps getting harder and it's but we keep going. Right. And what does it mean to someone like me who, you know, is like, you know, I'm coming to you with my complaint. What's your words of wisdom to me? Don't don't be hard on yourself for complaining. Everybody's going to complain. Everybody's going through so much that the rest of the world don't know.

So embrace it and then just know that you are doing good a lot better than what you see in the mirror which is advice i need to take a lot more on myself too i'm at least self-aware to know that like i can give good advice and then i ignore it myself at night when i'm all alone which is you know hard to deal with at the same time right right but i guess the key word in that is when you're when you're home alone you know know, it's like when you feel disconnected. I think that we have those moments of that because it's like, you know, myself, you know, that voice in your mind is a whole lot harder to quiet at 12, 1, 2 a.m. than it is in the middle of the day. Right. The witch an hour. So now you do any kind of medical marijuana uh well i have to uh bring it back from legal states because it's not legal in north carolina but i definitely it's it's helped

me a lot yeah definitely i was gonna ask that so does it uh um like kind of does it work the way that people say like your nauseousness takes it it does to a point my the way i do it it helps with my anxiety a lot during the day and then it helps numb the pain because i have constant pain in my abdomen abdomen in my back so it allows me not to take my pain medication those 12 14 hours during the day so i'm only have to take it before I go to bed, which in turn saves my liver and my kidneys from processing extra drugs. Definitely. So, and then I just, I like it.

I've always liked it. Right. Way before cancer, I enjoyed it my whole life. So now my family just can't say nothing because they're like, you know, we're good. I just actually been introduced to it in the last year or two. And I'm like, I've lived 40 years, but I'm knowing this exists. Yeah. I wish North Carolina had it just even for medical reasons.

But we are in the, you know, Bible Belt of the South that our politicians aren't that advanced yet. Yeah, I have my brother lives in Gatesville, North Carolina. OK. And then I'm from Suffolk, Virginia. I was. Yeah. So I get what you're talking about.

At least it is legal in Virginia. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. What you talk about. I kind of want to go back again a little bit. Right. Oh, yeah. Because you said your clinical trial. So it was, you know, here is what you're you have this death sentence and you're thinking there's no help.

And then this clinical trial happens. Like, what does that do to you mentally? Yeah, that was a it was a different experience for me than a lot of people, because I went through four different types of chemos that all failed. And at that point they were like, you qualify for one clinical trial and it is either do that or you're going to hospice. And if the clinical trial don't work, you're going, I was,

you know, progression so quickly. They're like, you, we won't be time to do another one so it was my very last option last chance so i didn't even have to think about doing it but then once i signed up and they make you sign hundreds of pages of consent forms because everything could kill you because i don't know all about it yet and that that started making my mind like, okay, am I going to be a lab rat now?

Because clinical trial, you think experiment. And that was where my mind was. But it was a completely different experience than that. And that's why I try to tell people, you are in complete control of the clinical trial. You can stop the drug anytime you want. You can keep going. You, uh, you're so important to that drug company because that drug has limitless, you know, possibilities for them that you can call your contact that they give you like your drug person pretty much anytime.

And they will get back to you as soon as possible and answer every question. That's good to know good good advice out there yeah i mean like the drug i'm on you know it's it makes billions for the drug company now i know and it's so horrible that it's like you have to be on medicaid and yet to get it you know and that it barely pays for it and here they are sitting you know it's crazy about a 200 I get 250 like little milligrams so it's like a little bitty bag and it's about $38,000 every three weeks

wow cancer is expensive I'm an expensive patient I bet and how do you deal with that like how do you deal with because now it's like you're sick you know and you're dying but you also got medical deal with because now it's like you're sick you know and you're dying but you also got medical bills you know yeah yeah it's like i know that doesn't help the situation

but was it a big added stress to you or you just didn't care about them at the first i didn't really care because i was just trying to survive and be alive and then the longer i've been i'm just like i you, I'm a burden for people. Like I do have the Medicaid, Medicare, but then all the people paying taxes, you know, they're paying for my drugs and for me to live. And then the not working, the paying all my bills through like money that I had saved before cancer or being, you know, in my late 20s and now mid and early 30s on disability. And in my mind, it was just so hard to wrap my mind around that because I always had that, you know, retired disability image in my head and it wasn't me at 27. Definitely. So now

what does that look like now? What does, what does it look like when you are able to like, okay, I have to deal with this, you know, what's that turning point? Uh, it's, it's still up and down a very fluid thought process. Some days I'm totally, you know, I know what I'm doing and I know how I'm helping people. Gives me that purpose to where I'm not just a burden on everybody. So my mind don't go there. But then on the bad days, it goes right back to those places. And as a person to pay taxes, though, I just want you to know that we are right with any way we can help. You just let us know. That's it. That's what everybody says.

They're like, you're one of the people, you know, you did the right way. Because I started working when I was about 15 for my family. Worked up until I got sick. And they're like, you're not the person that everybody complains about. Right. But then still, I read the stories online. And I know they're not talking about me, but my mind, and especially those late nights, are like, that is all about you.

Right, right, right. Like this person is talking specifically to you, JJ. Yeah. So it's that constant battle with that voice inside your head. Right. Well, we're here to tell you, don't worry about that part. That should be the least of your. I'm actually going to pass to Rebecca. She looked like she got a question. I know. I'm sorry. I just fired them off. I'm actually going to pass to Rebecca. She looked like she got a question. I'm sorry. I just fired them off. I apologize. She's here, guys.

I have a lot of questions and then a lot of times you end up answering my questions as you're talking. It's like, okay, I'll just listen. Really? You're just going to listen? Well, I can't think of a question right now. I mean, I think I can tell you what I think.

And I don't know if it's going about cancer and I've seen a couple of people go through it. I haven't experienced it myself, but I know you're not looking for a pat on the back for how strong you sound like you've been. But I really think that you are amazing for being so strong through all of this. I mean, not a lot of people, I mean, could be so strong through this, through everything that it sounds like you've gone through. So that's pretty much what I'm sitting here thinking. And I'm just, I appreciate that. Yeah. Don't sound corny at all. Like I tell some people, some of the things that I say sometimes in my mind, I'm like, that sounds way too hallmarky,

like a greeting or a card but then sometimes like those hallmark little quotes or sayings hit the point right on the head it's crazy though because the reason why you're so full of them is because of all the things you went through yeah so it's like you're saying hallmark but really it's jj because these were quotes that you gave yourself to survive you you know, so you're just sharing them with the world, but you are the creator of them. Yeah. And that's one more additional amazing thing about you is that you are able to share everything you're feeling going through with the world, even though you feel the way you do. It did take me years to get to this

point. I probably didn't start sharing or talking about what I was going through until 2020-ish. So about five years. And that was when I joined that Man Up To Cancer group. The people in there gave me the confidence enough that my story mattered. Because in my head, who wants to hear from a guy from such a small town? I was like, my story, whatever I say, isn't going to impact. Nobody can't help anything. And they urged me to do that. And then it's kind of snowballed into what I do now.

Yeah. And what is it that you do? Just a lot. Like I'm always up to do some podcasts. And then I do a lot with organizations in the colon cancer world, fight CRC. There's one called the colon cancer coalition and the colon club, like in March, we went to the Coligard classic, which is a golf tournament in Arizona. And then we went to DC and talked to Congress about more funding for young colon cancer.

And we've got some more trips going up later this year, going to Chicago to go to this conference and just kind of tell my story and put a face to what a lot of people see is just numbers. Right, right. And so what do you think happened or what in you changed that? I know you said joining the group, but was it just like they gave you confidence? I guess you kind of answered that too, right? Well, it was that. And then that was about a year into my going to therapy. And I was just, you know, getting better. Like, I don't want to say healed or anything because I still go to therapy all the time. I was at a better place in my mind to accept

where I was and not really accept this is my life even though it is. Just more confident in knowing that what I could say could help that person that I was two years ago or three years ago. Look, you got us over here like thinking. And then so you're advocating basically for people

like you, of course, definitely. So what is the message to them? Is, well, I kind of have a couple messages with the organizations. A lot of it is get screened because colorectal cancer is preventable. If you know the signs and you go and you get your colonoscopy when you're supposed to, and then you don't have to go through all the stuff that I've been through. But then I want, personally, I want, you know, to advocate a lot for men and mental health because mental health was that I wasn't ever talking about that. I was, you know, Southern man. We don't talk about depression or anxiety or the fears. And mental health has been the hardest thing I've had to deal with over the last eight years. Definitely. I can, I can see how now when you say you go to therapy, is it just

counselor type of therapy? Yeah, it's a, it's a therapist that's through my cancer center and she's a specifically through like cancer related issues, trauma helps with the PTSD that I have from all the nights in the hospital and the pain and just the trauma that cancer brings. And then just, she specifically like helps me deal with like, this is your life. Like there's no end date, like there is for some cancer patients and to accept that and to not be so hard on myself,

which is one of the hardest things I feel for me, at least. I think that's honestly people in general. Definitely. We're naturally hard on ourselves, but it's cool. So how are you handling, like what do you do to kind of remind yourself not to be hard on yourself? I have to talk to myself a lot and just remind myself over and over. And there's days like earlier this week and last week that I felt completely at it. I was in a hard mental kind of issues.

But then just knowing in the back of my mind, in that voice, like you're not failing because you're having a bad day, a bad couple of days that this whole mental health is such a fluid. You're going to have the bad weeks, but then you're going to keep working at it and it's going to get better. And that's kind of the main thought that I keep trying to tell myself is just because it's bad right now. You it's not your fault. You're not feeling that it's going to be OK.

Definitely. And then do you have people that you reach out to or that you're comfortable talking to outside of your therapist? Yeah, actually, one of my very best friends I met online through mutual friends. She had cancer and has the same genetic mutation that I did. And it's weird that cancer could bring together because I'm a single guy from North Carolina and she's married with two kids from Arizona. But we became my best friends. I went and met her husband and her kids. That's pretty cool. And like she is the one person I talk to almost every day. And we have very similar, you know, mental issues that we talk about and go through. Yeah, that probably was brought on by the trauma of cancer.

Yeah. And the kind of cancer you had to go through. Now, do you recommend is that something that you recommend to people to go out there and search for their person? I mean, I'm always, I tell people to be open to new relationships, new friendships. But in my mind, I feel like if you go specifically search, you might not find that because you're already looking for that one thing to just be open. Because one of the most beautiful things in life is that unexpected connection with somebody that you can make. And that one thing can change your whole life. Like this friendship changed my whole life in this cancer world. Do you think your personality has changed a lot since the beginning?

Yes, I'm a different person. Used to, as I said, kind of in the goal-oriented thing, there would be events like there's a football game or there's this party or something that would be coming up. And I was so focused on that good day that was going to be there. I didn't appreciate all the days leading up to that. And cancer made me realize that every day is, I don't want to say a gift, but there's a possibility in every day. And that was kind of the big thing that I've found changed myself is I don't take those regular days for granted and just kind of push them away anymore. Right. And I guess it's, I actually kind of been going through kind of maybe a similar journey where I'm in basically finding myself and finding my true self.

But that was kind of like part of it. Rebecca over here looking at me like I'm crazy. I'm like, okay, what are you getting? You see what I had to go through, JJ? You see what they gave me? What is your recommendation for dealing with a hostile co-host? I'm not too sure about that. She's like, kick me under the table.

She's been really mean. Okay. Back to what I was saying, which I probably don't remember by now. But so you met this friend, you guys are bonding. Do you find yourself participating more like in the community because of this friendship? Yeah. She was one of the first people that, again, gave me the more confidence that could reach out and develop friendships in this community. Because it is hard in a cancer community because you know you are going to lose people. That's just the hard fact of it. Being in groups with cancer people, there's going to be quite a few of them that pass away. And that, I think, scared me because I didn't want to go through that pain on top of what I was already dealing with.

But she made me realize the reverse of that is you can have such a strong connection, make memories, and have a friend that you remember for the rest of your life. And that kind of trumps would be the loss if they do pass away or, you know, or just move on with lives in different directions. You still have those memories and those connections and emotions that you made at that time. And that was key to me to kind of growing outside of my own self. You know, you have to focus on the love and not the loss.

You know, it's a four-letter word. Yeah. I remember seeing another clip, I just happen to remember, about somebody saying something about you posting these clips and it sounding negative and wrong and sad and you should probably stop doing the sad stuff nobody needs to hear that you want to talk about that a little bit yeah i've i never expected that to happen but i've realized a lot of people they only want to hear the positives they only want to see me when I have a good scan

or I'm getting another opportunity to travel or do something in the advocacy world. They didn't want to see the, you know, I'm laying on the bathroom floor, throwing up after chemo and struggling mentally. And then also last year, I started talking, it was kind of the first time I started talking about my experiences dealing with those suicidal thoughts and how close I really came to not being here anymore. And I got that message saying, you are a popular person in my area and you have a lot of people that look up to you online. I don't think you should talk about that because that could put that thought in somebody or these younger people's heads. And to me, I was like, nobody ever talked about that to me before

because it was, you know, taboo. The stigmas around the mental health and, you know, suicidal thoughts. And to me, the more I talk about that helps break it and show that no matter how strong you look on the outside or how well you're doing, you can still be facing those and you're not alone. Yeah. And no matter how low you get, you overcome it. Yes. And that if I would have had somebody or seen somebody talk about that and talk about it, like, I don't want to, you know, pat myself on the back or anything, but a lot of times I see people. It's okay to pat yourself on the back.

For sure. Definitely do it. Both hands. But, like, before I started talking about things, I seen everybody or people talk about it, and it sounded and felt to me like so scripted. And they had to be perfect. It had to be a perfect, you know, talking, talking point.

And I was, I just wanted somebody that was real, that, you know, messed up the words that they were meaning to say, but kept going because it was just what they were feeling and meaning from the heart. So that's kind of where I got how I talk, how I do videos, how I do everything is just right off what I'm feeling that day at that moment. Well, it kind of, it makes me think that, and also I feel like people are still looking at it kind of the wrong way, because if you're talking about your suicidal thoughts, that means you didn't commit suicide. So in that in itself,

you should be motivational because if you're able to talk about it, that means you're here. So definitely, you know, I feel like we live in a society now that just wants to shut people up. Yeah. You know, 100% contrary to anybody's belief. But part of the reason why we have this podcast is because we feel like everybody's thoughts are valid and there's a million different ways to handle and deal with your mental health. But you just need to deal with it. That's it. But I kind of wanted to go back. I do have a question with this because I was thinking about kind of, you know, we're talking about chemo and now you're losing your hair and you're becoming pale and skinny. And now you're outside and people look at you funny like how does that affect okay get to the point i'm just kidding

but you know i was thinking like it because to me it's a learning lesson like i've never heard anybody explain how they felt to be going through cancer and now have people judging you too in your journey you know yeah it was it was a surprise again like getting ready to go through chemo and when i got diagnosed it was all everybody told you about the physical things like how bad you were going to feel the side effects they didn't tell you about how you were going to think of i'm walking down the street and to me when i looked in the mirror and still to this day, I'm like, all I see is cancer and you look sick. Right.

So that was a constant thought in my head. And then I went through so many months where I had drainage bags of my stomach fluid in bags that you could see. And you could see like little kids like run up or see and kind of look away scared because they didn't know what was going on. And I wasn't mad at them, but I was, you know, maybe it's more self-conscious and not want to leave my house. And like when I take if I take my shirt off, you know, I have the huge scars from all my surgeries. And people are like, oh, those are, you know, badges of honor. You know, you earn those.

I'm like, oh, those are, you know, badges of honor. You know, you earned those. I'm like, oh, I know that. But in my head, I still see them. And I know people's eyes are going to them. And it's just more to deal with self-consciousness and a long process to accept it that I'm still walking. Right. They're just scars or like signs showing that you just another thing you survived. Yeah. But then I'm like, those scars have a lot of horrible memories for me because everyone, you know, I've had two 16 day and a 25 day stay in the hospital from all those surgeries.

I'm like, y'all see a scar and the honor, the bravery to still be here. I remember laying in the hospital bed it's like i see the pain and the suffering and and the sadness yeah the the sneezing when i had 30 like staples holding my abdomen together that like made me cry in front of these nurses and right right all all i couldn't even imagine like one two some of those things i'm like i feel like i'm a strong person but then it's like you talking, I don't know if I'm that strong, but I kind of wanted you to like give a message to people. So like, this is your platform to the world. Don't be looking at people who have like,

what's your message? My message is, is don't judge people. Everybody's going through something. And when you are feeling like you're alone and you're the only one that's been going through this or suffering, there's people out there going through the exact same or if not the exact same, they are in the same ride that you are on. And don't isolate yourself. Reach out any way that you can through a therapist, through friends, family. And don't be alone. Because when you feel alone and you isolate yourself, that just sends you farther down that dark path. Definitely sounds. That's a good message. Right, right. That sound definitely sound path. Definitely sounds. That's a good message.

Right, right. That sound, definitely sound advice. But I'm sorry. I thought you was going to say. Oh, no. Look, JJ, so Rebecca. It's a tug of war. I know.

Rebecca and I are, we are a family. Yeah. But we just started doing the podcast together. And we are completely two different people. And we love each other and we accept it. But I know sometimes I can overshadow her a little bit. He has a very dominant personality. Kind of fills out a room.

So I just have to somehow figure out how to make myself present. And the only reason I bring that up is because we both, you know, like all day today was like, oh, my God, you know, we're interviewing this person. We have a million thoughts. And I just wanted to give her an person. We have a million thoughts. And I just wanted to give her an opportunity to get some of her thoughts out. Then you seem to give me the opportunity when I don't have a thought. Well, I think y'all have done a great job. I do have a question though. Have you thought about starting a podcast yourself?

I've thought about it at times. And then with, you know know treatment and my mental health i've just decided to kind of do my videos that i post on instagram and then write because i never know if i'm gonna not feel like it and i don't want to do something and then just not follow through so that's kind of where i'm like i'd love to be guest on podcasts but more where I can do things my own self, like the writing or the videos through the smaller like TikTok and Instagram is kind of my speed just because of how crazy my schedule can be with treatments and everything. Definitely. You say writing. Did I miss something? Do you write?

I do have a blog. It's linked on my Instagram. It's just kind of living with terminal cancer. And I do, like with my blog, it's when a thought pops into my head, I got to be able to write the whole thing out. Because if I put the phone down or I have to do something else, I just delete the whole thing because I kind of want that authenticity of just, that's my thought now. I don't want to save it for later and let me gather it. So it's very randomly that I post there like once every two months. So I guess why we're on the topic, tell our people how to reach you.

Yeah. The best way is on my Instagram. That's kind of my whole, what I to most what i'm on most and it's just jj5145 and a cool story about that is my love of star wars an author in the novels that writes the novels for them she started following me a few years ago and now i have a droid named after me in one of the books after the Instagram account yeah so that was when she sent me a signed copy of the book and was like turn to this page and I read it and I was like that name sounds familiar because it was all spelled out and then the next page it had it how I write it or how my Instagram is and it was took me by total surprise that's incredible yeah but then through there like the linkedin like tree and stuff you can find my other facebook twitter tiktok and i'll definitely make

sure they're all listed in the bottom of this episode as well and and i probably have maybe like a crazy kind of corny question too but it's just kind of like even with all the horrible things you went through like if you could go back and change it would you i've actually not a corny question i'll think about that often and as much as i would want to go back and you know never have cancer I wouldn't be the person I am today. And I'm more proud of who I am today than I was of the 27-year-old before I got cancer. So that's kind of the only way I can answer that. I don't know if I would say, yeah, I would still want to get cancer,

but I know I'm more proud of who I am now than who I was. And I don't think I would have the growth that I've had the last eight years if I wouldn't have to go through everything. Right. I like that answer. Yeah, very, very good answer. So like in our closing here, in our closing statement,

what do you tell a person who is at that moment in life where they're considering, I don't want to exist no more. What's your message to them? Tell us how you got out of it, but advice on how you could get out of it. Yeah, I got out of it because that thought scared me to death enough to go past my pride, past the stigmas I had in my head about suicide and mental health to reach out to a therapist. And through working with the therapist and my friends and just the growth I've

had, I realized that your mental health is so fluid. There's going to be bad times. There's going to be good times. There's going to be times where you feel like you're just there. You just exist. But there's more of those times that aren't at the lowest when you're thinking that you don't want to exist. But if you go through with that, that's final. And then to know that you are not alone in thinking that. I thought I was the only person in the world that was like, I don't want to be here. Even though logically in my mind, I know suicides are every day. People are depressed.

They go through that. When I was in it, I was like, I'm the only one this bad off that's thinking this right now. Then looking back, there's going to be people out there reach out to resources because life is precious. Definitely. Definitely. Very, very, very good answer. Life is precious people. And kind of like JJ saying, and just to go off him, you know, one, one reason for our podcast is to show you the many people who have went through things overcame them but they they chose to find a method and that's basically like our message

is find your method therapy worked well for jj but it may not be for you but there's a lot of mental health professionals that's it you know that are out there to help you. I'm pretty sure JJ has no problem telling anybody about his experiences. You know, reach out to him if you have questions. Always. Especially if you're going through something. JJ, we thank you so much for being on.

Thank y'all for having me. It was an honor. Yeah, it's pretty, pretty cool to see the light around you. You know, you radiate positivity, radiate life. And I know, you know, with my small ailments compared to yours, that how hard it is for me to go through sometimes. And I guess I want you to know, like you said, you're not alone in this outside of your cancer community. You still have people here that care and that are rooting for you. This podcast is one of them. We want to see you make it to 130, you know, if you want to live that long, I'm saying 120, I want to do 120, but 130 might be a bit much, but we can talk about it.

That's it. Make a bet to see who can live longer. Totally down. All right, cool. Is it cool if we reach out and check in with you in a few months? Yes, anytime, all the time. Just reach out and I'll, I will be here. Definitely. Because I know in an hour, you can't possibly ask all the questions that have gone through my mind or Rebecca's mind. You have to know what goes through this mind. But yes,

thank you so much for being on. Thank you guys for watching and we will see you next week.