These Fukken Feelings Podcast© - Worth Unleashed: Embrace Your Fukken Greatness with Amanda Wallingsford | Season 2.5 Ep. 115

Episode Date: July 26, 2023

Send us a Text Message.Step into the empowering world of These Fukken Feelings Podcast, where co-hosts Micah and Rebecca lead you on a transformative journey alongside the incredible Amanda Wallingsford, author of "Embody Your Worth." Together, they explore the depths of emotions, self-discovery, and personal growth, providing a safe space for listeners to embrace their true selves.In this captivating episode, Amanda Wallingsford, renowned mindset coach and speaker, unveils the transformative...

you don't have to be positive all the time it's perfectly okay to feel sad angry annoyed frustrated scared and anxious having feelings doesn't make you a negative person it doesn't even make you weak it makes you human and we are here to talk through it all we welcome you to these fucking feelings podcast a safe space for all who needs it grab a drink and take a seat. The session begins now. What is up, guys? Welcome to these fucking feelings podcast. I am Micah. Got my homegirl Rebecca over here. And yeah, we got Amanda Wallingford, right? Wallingsford, yep. Okay, cool.

I was like, wait, am I Wallingford? You know what? We're actually in the shipping business and we go to Wallingsford a lot. Oh, really? Yeah. Where is that? Is it Massachusetts? Massachusetts. Oh, okay.

Yeah. So I was like, am I remembering something different? Just without the S. Right. So Amanda, on this show, we believe that no one can sell you like you can sell you. So tell our audience a little bit about yourself. Okay. I live outside of Austin.

I live in Hutto, Texas. And by profession, I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. I also have a coaching business and I'm about to be a published author in the next month or two. Spent my entire career in the mental health field and that's what I've dedicated my education to. But it's also mental health has been what I have learned in my own life. So I would say that that's me in a nutshell. And you said you like family therapists. That has to be hard.

It can be, but I love it. There are some people, so licensed marriage and family therapists can do individuals, families, or couples. Right. There's many that actually don't choose to do families. I love it. I spent, so I'm in Texas now, but before here, I was in San Diego for about 13 years. And all of the, I worked in community mental health, and all of the look worked in community mental health and all of the programs I worked in were family centered okay and so I'm very comfortable bring anybody in the room I know

one time I was meeting with the family at home and great-grandmother comes out and she's like can I participate I'm like heck yeah let's work in the family relationships so you don't want every family because i think if you invite mine you might you might pay us to go away so i have a question so when you interview or not interview but see couples um and you see them on individual basis so i actually I don't see couples. I saw them for a year or two, and it's just not for me. Yeah, I was going to ask that because at one point, my husband and I saw a marriage counselor couple, you know, and so forth.

And we saw the same therapist, and it just did not work out how the same counselor was seeing the both of us because it seemed like she didn't know how to handle the two of us. So I just wondered. Yeah, it can get tricky. And generally they have a pretty general rule that your individual therapist should not be the same as your couples therapist. There are some people that are skilled that can do it. I can do family therapy and individual, like say with the teen. But for me, I don't do couples because I am a specialist in trauma. And when I see these two people in the room, I'm like, oh, let's go back to your trauma history. And it's like, no, no, no, no, wait, let's go back to your trauma history.

Cause it's this merge of, of unresolved trauma. I just don't have the capacity to then do couples therapy on top of it. My lane is better in individual or families and the families is always because I'm working with a team. Right, right, right. That makes sense. So I kind of wanted to go back a little bit, but I thought it was pretty funny that Rebecca kind of stressed you out with that question. You were like, wait, couples, no. You know, and I own that couples are not my strength, but I also own that, you know, families are and those other things. When we're in the helping profession, we all have our place and our niche and whatnot. So now what was your fascination of mental health? What made you go in that direction? Amazing question. I've known since I always say since I was about 12. I had a biological father.

I have a biological mom and then an adoptive dad. From an early age through my biological father, I started seeing something was off. There was a lot of pain there. I didn't understand it, but I knew there was more depth to what I experienced on the surface. Are you talking about your pain or his? His pain. Okay. I also had pain. Right, definitely.

His pain, definitely. Yes. But from a young age, I started observing. I was looking at who were getting into gangs? What were the commonalities there? Why do people do what they do? Why are they suffering? And so that's how I got into mental health. I knew that I wanted to be a counselor from that age and then went to undergrad to I was human and organizational development and then a minor in child and adolescent development. That's why I was.

So I had a neighbor die by suicide when I was 14. He was a very important man to me. That's why I was, so I had a neighbor die by suicide when I was 14. Oh, wow. He was a very important man to me. He was a, kind of think of like Twitch. Right, right, right. Losing Twitch. That was, the outside was just as shocking. So that, when I, when my neighbor died at 14, I was like, what was that about? Here's

this man who's bubbly and so loving. Yeah. So looking at this man who I saw as a role model and how could it be in so much pain and, and then take his life. And so that fueled even more trying to figure out why do people do what they do? Why do people suffer? What, how does that come about? How do people get out of suffering? Um, and was there ever an answer on why he did what he did? Does anybody ever know? Like, do you ever leave anything behind? Um, I don't have answers. I, I, and I think partly because I was so young, I think there might be some information that was not shared with me. Okay. But I also know, I know that there were struggles.

I just don't know exactly what it was. Okay. there were struggles. I just don't know exactly what it was. Um, and I was very close with his wife, um, and his two daughters. They were integral people in my life for a while, but we're out of touch now cause I moved away and all that. And as an, so as an adult, I've never gotten the information if it's there. Oh, okay. Yeah. I do know. Oh, you know what? I do know oddly he was one out of four children and he had already lost two siblings, one of which he had seen. And you know what, this is what part of where I started wondering about trauma. Um um he had seen his sister

die in a as he they were both in a car crash oh wow so i know that there was there was trauma there that what we know nowadays right probably compacted a lot of pain that was not getting addressed because back then um and so i don't know, I can't remember what, I don't think I put this on my profile. I then lost my father to suicide at 19. And so I already had a headstart of kind of understanding. Then I like really dug into why does this happen right but at the time what are we 20 something years ago i'm not i'm 44 so 25 years ago we didn't have yeah well these are turning out to be pretty good um yeah for me too we didn't have trauma as even a word i mean i was studying mental health in college and it was only named in veterans. So we didn't, you know, at the time we did not have that information that when you

have those traumatic events, it can lead to such despair and isolation. And I know we always talk about on our, just in previous conversations, just on this show that we grew up in that what happens in this house stays in this house era, you you know where it wasn't okay to talk about things it's not okay to take it outside the house you're never supposed to tell anybody any of our business you know yeah yeah um yeah and i know like when when my neighbor died we didn't know to talk about it. It was just like, oh, this sucks. We didn't know that it started really impacting me. And then to have them lose my father that way, my biological father that way, we didn't have words. I was experiencing anxiety, depression.

What I should have been diagnosed with was PTSD. Definitely. Yep. And so when did you realize that something was going on with you? Was it ever something that you realized? So I plummeted my junior year of college. I mean, plummeted. I had been a high achiever. Let me study this. Let me like intellectualize all this. And then within a month I was, I lost, I think 20 pounds cause I, of my appetite, I was having panic attacks. I started self injuring. Um, it was like all of a sudden my body was just, it, it couldn't handle it anymore. And so from that, I had to get significant help. So that was your rock bottom kind of?

Yeah. Yeah. It was that year. It was my junior year. And a blessing in disguise, it's what led me to be the person I am today in healing all of that and learning. Like I have got to heal from my trauma. I've got to learn to love myself. So was there like one significant moment that made that happen for you?

You took my question. I was going to ask that question. Yes. And that moment was, I took too many pills and I woke up from it now it was a suicide attempt but it was a very it was it was a very mild suicide attempt it was like i know eight pills could do something right i think it was between eight and 10. Could do something. I'm going to take a gamble. But I remember thinking, God, if I wake up tomorrow, I guess you want me to be here for some reason. And then all of the people not liking that I had done that really set some boundaries around me. Like you better figure this out because this is not an option to play

with your life. Definitely. And I guess since we're talking about it in the beginning now, I just kind of want to reach out to people who do feel this way and have you share some advice and some methods, some things that they can do. Because I feel like everybody kind of gets, and I don't want to say everybody, I don't want to speak for everybody, but I feel like we've all kind of got to that point.

Like I never thought about suicide, but I used to pray to die. You know, so it was kind of got to that point like i never thought about suicide but i used to pray to die you know so it's kind of like the same thing and my prayer to god was for me to die like i couldn't do it myself i knew i wasn't strong enough to do it myself but i knew i wanted it to happen and i used to think of like hard ways in order for it to happen like i should go up and like punch a police officer or you know but it was, these were the things that went through, through my mind. And, and I never had, I never knew where to go from there. So I wanted to, I guess, just, just invite you to kind of give a little words to people who are in that

state of mind. Yeah. I, you know, I think, and I have a feeling you can relate to this. I think the first thing is, is to tell somebody, but tell somebody who's going to receive it. Tell somebody who's not going to go, oh, you're fine. Or, you know, oh, it's not that bad. Or this is just a bad day. Tell somebody. And if that's a loved one, because they can hold that and they can ask questions and say, okay, what do you really mean? Like how pain, how much, how and how much pain are you really? Or find somebody who could do that, whether it's a therapist, whether it's a spiritual leader, you know, or a best friend. Um, I, I don't think people are generally equipped to handle that. I think there's still a misconception that if, well, if they're, if they're saying they want to die, I can't bring it up because that's going to make it worse. No, actually that is exactly what needs to happen is talk about, I'm having thoughts of being so worthless that I shouldn't be here. So finding the people you can have the real dialogue with. Definitely. And we here, we like to talk about

a safe place. And for people, a person could be a safe place, you know, find a safe place, find somewhere safe. But there are people in this world who don't feel like they know or have anything safe. Is there like something you can say to like, I don't know, some advice, like how would you find a safe place? I'm sorry, I don't know why I thought you was just the perfect person to answer this question. No. Well, I'm just thinking through it because I'm biased. I say go to a therapist, but it also can take going through several therapists to find that. So I think my answer is keep trying until you find that person. Um, the therapy relationship, it doesn't matter how skilled a therapist is. If you don't feel comfortable with them, you're not going to get anything out of it. It's not going to be that safe place. And so I think my answer is, if you don't have somebody in your inner circle, try to find that professional, get on the phone, have an interview with them, get the feeling of if you're going to connect,

but don't give up if that first, second, third therapist is not quite your best fit. Right. That happens that happened to me. It took me, I felt like my whole life to find a therapist and then founder. Do you know that she quit on me? I do. I don't know the specifics,

but I know that she quit on you. I think if my memory is not fantastic, but said that the bounty had been together too long. Yeah. She started to look at me as a friend and now she was telling me her problem. And we kind of, she was like,

this is not useful. Like, you know, you need somebody. And I just haven't been able to find anybody new, but I also think that I'm okay enough to kind of take it on my own a little bit. Now. You know, I feel like I received enough direction that I know where I want to go now, but I still know that if there's ever a

time I'm lost to ask for help, you know, and, and I kind of wanted to say, just to point out for the people, if you feel like it's an emergency, if you can't wait to find your safe place, dial 9-1-1 and there's always pound 9-8-8, which is a suicide hotline. Definitely reach out to somebody. You can call me. Okay. I will talk to you. Trust. But just make sure when you call that you're ready to talk because I can go all night. To change the subject just a smidge. And I don't mean to, it's kind of a big flip from what. Oh, I'm, I'm all, we can go all over. So, because I'm, I'm really curious.

You said you're just about a first time published author. And I was looking at your website and I see the book and I'm really, really dying to hear about it a little bit. It's called Embody Your Worth. So I really want to know what that's all about. Well, I just want to correct you one minute and say that you're living to read it, not dying. Right. But really, I do want to hear all about it. Okay.

So I know you've done a couple episodes lately on grief. I'm up. And here's a good example of grief comes up when it wants to. It definitely does. So it came from losing my son.

Three years ago, it was three years ago, May 14th. It's my only biological child. I have two stepchildren, but my only biological child. I have two stepchildren, but my only biological child and he had a DNA malformation called Noonan syndrome. And Noonan syndrome, you can have it and have like not even know that you have that DNA glitch, for lack of a better word, or you can have to where it's not survivable. And he, he actually wasn't supposed to make it in utero, but he did. He made it to life and we got three months with him. Um, and there was this very weird moment. We, he was up and down with his health. He lived in the hospital the whole time. And that last day he declined very quick in that last 24 hours.

And we had to let him go. We had to make the decision that it was time to let him go. But there was this weird knowing inside of me that I would be okay. And that really confused me because when my dad had died, I was a hot mess. I mean, you know, that whole decline within the year or two after. And so then being with that and sitting with it for a couple months, I'm like, what is different? Why? How do I have this internal knowing? And that's how the book came about I was when I lost my dad. And so I sat down and I started kind of outlining how did I get here? What tools did I use? And that's what we have now with the book is embody your worth. And I've put the tools that I've used, the tools that have worked with clients, and then the emotions that come up today is I miss my son. I love him.

And I'm really thankful for having this sense of peace, even with the loss of a child. And by this time, you probably kind of got used to the grieving process or a grieving process because you started so young. Yeah, it was not my first rodeo, as they say here in Texas. Well, every grieving, every person you grieve, you grieve it or him, she, them differently, though, right? Yeah. Yeah. grieve it or him she them differently though right yeah yeah um yeah and i you know listening to i've i'm trying to remember i'm bad with names and when i said memory that was that's one of the things that has not come back since i lost my son is the short-term memories. I don't know where it went. It's still with him. But I know you were talking about it on one of the episodes that, um, grief is so different. And like, Mike, I know you were talking about, um, like feeling bad with your dad, you know? And it made me think, well,

maybe you were more ready for it. Maybe it was like, oh, this is more of a natural progression. I don't know. I don't know what the thing is, but we can get so caught up in judging how we grieve and why we grieve more for this person or that person. And the reality is we don't know until it comes. And each experience, each loss I have found has been different. But no grieving process is better or worse. I do think I had more tools this time around just to be on top of it. And probably tools that you needed. Like that's that was why you live the life that you live, because I couldn't imagine.

I don't want kids. And not to say that it's for reasons like this, but kind of for reasons like this. Right. So, I mean, I commend you, number one, for telling your story. But it's it's really dope to see you putting it what you learned, what he taught you and kind of sharing it with the world. So I'm going to say thank you and um for sure yeah so now embodying your worth how so do you know when this became like a concept took another one of my questions she knows okay we have every time we end the podcast rebecca will tell me how I didn't let her talk. Yeah. And I always tell her, you have to interrupt me.

Like, you legit. I was about to, but I was waiting for him to. I shouldn't. You can ask her. You can ask her. Never mind. It's already been asked. It's out there.

We're sorry. We'll let her answer now. Don't be sorry um it uh it also means the same like wavelength as to you know what you're curious about um can you repeat the question even i forgot the question oh my god that is. Look, can I remember when I was asking, like, when did you know, kind of like, that worth was something that we kind of like needed to know about or that you needed to teach about,

that there was a journey of worth? Like, when did that become a concept? When I realized I needed to find my worth was when I was taking my life because I thought I didn't belong here. Like that there was something so inherently broken. And so that was, I think the starting point of like, I got to figure this out because the only other route is I'm not here. Um, and I thankfully had found, my parents found a phenomenal therapist, um, at that time. And he's, he was, I think his primary mode was cognitive behavior therapy.

Um, and he was like an old school psychologist like white dude old i don't in my mind i remember him as being in his 60s or 70s right with the beard yeah it's probably 40. yeah from from my 20 year old self i was like who did you just bring me to? Like, but he was so good at what he did. And he used, I think, with cognitive behavior therapy being the model, he started highlighting like how much I hated myself and how much I told myself I hated myself. And so help me start working. Like, so you got in a fight. That doesn't mean you're a piece of shit. You just got fight, you know, so things like that and starting to modify how I experienced myself in my own internal world. Um, and then a few years later I got a new therapist cause I had moved to California. Um, and I remember him saying that he was helping me find my-worth. And at some point he goes, so when we started, you were like negative 80. Like that's how low your self-esteem was. And now you're like at positive 10. Um, so then fast forward to now when I was reflecting, how am I okay? And every

time I journaled about that, it's like, oh, because I found myself like I found my truth that even with the loss of my son, I am still OK. Even with the loss of my son, it wasn't my fault. And I kind of feel like it's it's it's like about understanding feelings, like it's like about understanding, you know, my mom always used to tell me, like, feelings are fleeing, you know, like you may feel that way right now. You know, that's what you feel at the moment. Come back in 10 minutes and tell me if you still feel that way. You know, so but I know there's a lot of people who don't understand emotions. So it's like, is that something that you do help with? Because I can just imagine and find in my worth, I would need to understand what I'm feeling. Yes, I think interestingly enough, and I don't know if this is a hard fact, but I think it's a strong fact, gosh this episode today was horrible you're gonna your emotion's gonna respond to that versus if you go oh this episode today was kick-ass you're the emotion that would follow that and so it the entry point can be what am I

feeling but we also want to dissect what am I thinking? What meaning am I making of that? What story am I playing with that? Because the story we can change. But we do also want to feel the feelings, process them, allow them to be there, not stuff them. But there's also work to be done on the words we're putting with the emotion. So it's actually working on the thought process. I guess is that what people call mindfulness? Yes.

I think there's lots of definitions of mindfulness. I haven't totally gotten on board with everything. But it's... I'm sorry, go ahead. Yeah, it's just putting, I think the way I look at it is any entry point we can do, oh, I recognize my thought. Okay, what does that mean? What emotions come with it? How do I behave after that? Or, oh my gosh, I'm feeling so in despair. What's my body feeling? Any entry point we can take is a valuable entry point and then dissect from there. So with your self-worth, um, and how have you been able to maintain a positive self-worth through all the years?

And are there moments in your life where that self-worth has been kind of broken down and you've had to rebuild it? There's definitely been moments. Definitely, it hasn't been like a linear journey. Um, so it kind of where a lot of the chapters came from my book when it's similar to there's many entry points. Well, there's a lot that can enhance your worth. And one was, um, standing up for myself. So using my voice, learning to set boundaries, because then that set the tone for the relationships I would have. There were some crappy relationships I tolerated. I think many of us do. We go through a journey of,

you know, tolerating things from people that really just compounds us not feeling good about ourselves. So, um, standing in, who am I going to allow in? What am I going to do to stand up for myself? Am I going to still, cause I was, I had the angle of being very passive, um, or passive aggressive. Let's, let's be honest about that too. You so and so then finding wait a second I need to use my voice and have express my opinion or say no you can't do that or I'm not going to tolerate that and as these things is standing more up for myself then inviting in people and only allowing in people who were going to treat me as I, as I deserve to be treated, kicking out people that, and it doesn't mean I don't love them or don't appreciate them, but like,

I'm going to push you a little bit farther out because owning that all I'm going to surround myself with are things that reflect my worth and enhance my worth. But I said that hasn't been a linear journey. There have been times when I've, I've backtracked or let somebody in when I probably knew that was probably not the healthy decision. And then I've, I've had a history of depression and depression has a lovely voice. I don't know if you've experienced that, but a lovely voice that can say, you're a piece of shit. Right, right, right, right. You believe it. And so getting treatment.

I'm plagued with that voice. Yeah. I'm trying to get the voice in her head to sound like me. So I'm working on it. Oh, there's a voice alright I was going to say I know you guys are good friends and I'm sure that you do have voices in there but you know it's

hard when that the mental health part it's it latches on to the negative stories and so even just getting you know help around that whether it's therapy or nutrition or medication or you know, help around that, whether it's therapy or nutrition or medication or, you know. But it's it's been when I think about, you know, just even this book, this is this has been a 20, 30 year journey.

Wow. Definitely not an overnight thing. Definitely. It's pretty cool. cool just really really cool that you got a book coming out yeah i'm excited um but i also i wanted to ask like do you remember how you felt when you didn't have a voice to how you feel now when you have one i do and crazy how easy it kind of is to have one it is it's like kind of once you like get over that hump it's like i can't i can't go back to that yeah and then you're like oh shit maybe i shouldn't have been so assertive but guess what i'm i'm not going back to being passive because that's

not an option anymore because it's kind of cool because i feel like a lot of your message and i don't want to sound sexist or anything but i feel like a lot of your message is really good for women because i know a lot of women right now that need these tools and do not use them you know and it's like wow like you know it's it's find your worth you know it kind of yeah you know i say it is that simple when we all know it's not i went through like a horrible journey of ups and downs and curves and back alleys. But I never took shortcuts. I tell people I never took shortcuts. I might have did the side streets and the back alleys, but never no shortcuts.

I really, really let myself go through it because I knew that I wanted to be different. I didn't want to. And even now I'm still plagued a little bit. I was talking about it yesterday where I kind of have the thoughts of like, life is really good and it's going to eventually not be good because that's kind of the circle I'm used to, you know, life has always been hard. So now my voice in my head is like, you know, we've got like a number seven podcast right now and the health, you know,

the mental health podcast, we've ranked number seven. And it was pretty cool to do that. And it was like, um, wait for the shoe to drop. Yeah. I've kind of been. And I, I can relate to that. And that's something that I've been working on. So I, I am almost always in some kind of healing environment, whether it's a therapist, most recently has been a health coach that also does mind and body stuff. And I, I'm still in waiting for the shoe to drop. I'm still kind of got an image the other day, or maybe within the last month that I feel like I'm like holding on to a roller coaster. I feel like I'm still kind of in some fight or flight of, Oh fuck.

Once. And that's why I saw your, you know, podcast fucking feelings, but like, Oh, things are going well, things are going better.

When is it going to drop? And so I've been having to do a lot of work on things are going to go South again. I'm not, you know, it is a constant work in progress, but also do I need to be in fight or flight in preparation for that? Right. I saw on your website also, and I really liked this quote you put on there by Maya. Maya Angelou. Yes.

Yes. Yes. I learned a long time ago, the wisest thing I can do is to be on my own side. I really liked that. Do you? I like it too. And I don't memorize things very often, but that is a quote I've memorized and memorized two sentences. Yeah. Well, I didn't know who she was, so of course I had to look her up because I'm not going to talk about somebody I don't know who I'm talking about. She's pretty

amazing. To be mute for five years? I can't be mute for five minutes, but I'm not somebody else I know. Amanda knows. Look, I didn't have a voice for most of my age. And unfortunately, it was cancer that gave me a voice. When I started to realize my own body was fighting against me, I couldn't worry about outside elements. I'm doing this to myself. And that's kind of how I took it. No, this is me trying to kill me.

And I need to figure this out because we should be on one accord wanting me to live. But I think it's pretty, pretty amazing. I think she fits into your message a little bit, Maya, here, because she was mute and she stood up for herself and many others, obviously. And I think that you are sending the message of getting a voice, knowing your self-worth and becoming a person who loves themselves. I think that this quote couldn't be more perfect, I guess. Good, good. I'm glad it speaks to you. Um, and I think about, I mean, and I put this in my book. Um, I don't remember the sentence I use, but like, who's the one person we have our entire life? Us like we're, we're, we're the given constant, right?

So we might as well. That's why I like that quote too. It's like, then we might as well be working on our own side, you know, for sure. You know, you just gave me a weird look sorry because you cut me off whatever she was like I'm not finished talking about Maya Angelou so we gonna go back

sorry Rebecca is she's been having an attitude all day I think that we need to sign her up for some therapy you do therapy sessions? Let's talk about that. So can people contact you? Do you do the commenting and that kind of stuff?

If they live in Texas. If they live and are located and reside in Texas. Sorry, Micah. Well, can I send it to you for like two weeks? For two weeks. He tries to get me signed up for every single thing. Nope, I okay not to kind of point her out but i never met a person that is priceless and doesn't know it you know and it hurts me to my core sometimes because it's like everybody else sees it but you who are you talking about right so it's like so we argue

every day because it's like you know i pick on her a lot and i do because i'm trying to get her to stand up for herself and if you can if you can stand up for yourself with one of your friends then it's real easy to do it with anybody else you know so i give her a really really hard time and it's kind of a big reason I invited her for this podcast, because it's like, if you allow yourself to know who you are, what you can give this world, it's amazing. And if you don't full up and live to that potential, a lot of people are going to miss out. And I feel like we're living in a sick world now where it's pretty horrible. And I kind of wanted to ask you about that. But it's like we live in a world because we came from an era where people didn't speak up, you know, where it was taught to be quiet.

You know, so it's a lot of people not talking and now people talking and everybody's fighting you know it's like we just always needed to talk but for you the question was how do you because you was talking about kind of like keeping the people around that were positive or had a good effect on your life and surrounding yourself with those things but sometimes in this world it's hard to do that so how do you stay center and and what you're used to without falling into the noise? I love that question. Interesting. So I'm just kind of being transparent. This is how I am. I'll tell you what's happening in my body or my mind um my first like intellectual thought was I set boundaries when we set boundaries people start responding I've seen

beautiful transformation from me setting boundaries and other people showing up more healthy but then there was something inside of me that like like my essence i point to my my part i don't know if you guys know much about chakras but i don't know a ton but it's like fascinating goes up and it matches this chakra but um my essence said through love as i keep loving people and i keep trying to understand people without judgment. So technical tool would be the boundaries, but just loving people and seeing them in their innocence and their humanity that they came to be from their trauma. Their generational trauma, their cultural trauma, all of that stuff. And the more we can see somebody through that nonjudgmental lens, we actually are more connected than.

What you got? No, because I see I'm the person you're like my spirit animal. And I hope you don't get offended when I say that. I've never heard that. You are. You are like my spirit animal because I live through love. Everything I do is I love everybody. I show everybody love.

If it's negative, I'm going to make it positive. Somehow we're going to find like you can't be around me. She scared me. You can't be around me and be sad. It's not going happen you know i just i believe in loving everybody so when you said that and he's like it came from here and i'm like okay snaps you over here writing poetry because that's a good answer love you know but and it starts with loving you because how can you love somebody else until you love yourself and that

kind of starts by learning your worth. Yeah. So where do we start? I mean, I don't have all the answers in the world. That is a good question. But I think everybody's starting point is their own. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that's a good point. of like that that entry point yeah it could be start uh setting boundaries it could be with love it could be both it could be you know with just learning yourself yeah but i'm also learning that it has to be a time for it because you know if they're not ready, then they don't listen. And everything you say go out the window. Goes one ear out the other. I ain't talk about nobody particular. No, no, no.

So we have our producer here, Crystal, and she's off camera. But I just want you to know that when you were crying, you were not crying by yourself. I was crying too. This, like, she was over there. I was like, you made her catch the Holy Ghost, so I want you to know that we appreciate you telling

your story and being so vulnerable with us and allowing us to basically see you, because that's what this is about. It's unfortunate that you're only in Texas. You know, we're going to have to do something about that. Yeah. Coaching I can do across the board. In coaching, I'm going to do a group program and stay in integrity between the fields because

I believe, yeah, I believe in therapy and being an integrity of separating coaching. And coaching I will do in the fall, a group coaching program around Embody Your Worth and go through a lot of this stuff in there. So that is an option. I will do some individual coaching. You know, in therapy, I'm going to keep the teens. I mean, that's my passion. Right, right. Help develop those young adults to get started earlier than it seems as though the three of us got started.

You know, let them get their head start. But with coaching, it's an option. And then there was something you said. Which part? Vulnerability. I know that that's a word that's getting used everywhere. But that was another thing that I think was key. And at some point I was like, fuck it.

I've just got to own myself. And if people are uncomfortable because I'm crying right now because I lost my father to suicide, that's on them because I'm not going to hide this pain anymore. And what I've discovered, as I think you guys have discovered too, is we actually get stronger when we connect through the rocket of life. I've gotten stronger personally since I've started this podcast. And it's not so much through my own words that I've shared from my own experiences, because honestly, I haven't really shared a lot of myself on this platform, but just hearing other people's stories and actually finding that I relate to a lot of what they're going through and how they're handling their situations that I've been able to grow and get stronger. Believe it or not, Micah, I am getting better.

I just wanted Amanda to tell you real quick. I just need you to put on your marriage counselor hat for three seconds and tell Rebecca to calm her ass down and leave that man alone. What are you talking about? And then now I'm getting blamed. Amanda is OK. Micah and that damn podcast. Like, don't go home and pick fights with your husband because now you want to tell him how you felt about his spaghetti three years ago like no that's not what we saying

do you remember i don't do couples counseling for this reason okay and actually i was gonna ask you that too like when you did do it did you find yourself picking sides yeah it's got to be hard because the therapist i had she couldn't do it she couldn't do it i i think it is hard i i don't i'm gonna i don't want to sound arrogant no no please i can i can stay pretty neutral and unbiased. It's my issue was that, and I'm sure I know that there were times that, yes, I probably took sides at some level, but I always go and then check myself. My problem was I just wanted more from each individual, and that's not what it was. That's not what the space was for. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I think it does take a special craft to be able to stay neutral. And I think it takes extra responsibility on the clinician's end to check themselves on their biases and conscious or unconscious.

Now to ask another question, because I'm full of them but I was thinking okay because we're talking about now finding worth and finding your worth more specifically you've been talking about that for a long time Micah anyway like I was saying Amanda

my animal spirit or my spirit animal I said my animal spirit, or my spirit animal. I said my animal spirit. My spirit animal. But no, so what should a person be willing to shed in order to start finding that worth? Dang. That was a good question.

Okay. So I'm going to do a therapist trick. What do you think? That is a good therapist trick. That is a very good therapy. I am actually genuinely curious. Where did you come up with this question? Because I feel like I had to like, I had to like go back and revisit all of my trauma and kind of learn to understand that it was never really about me, you know? And I had to learn that, like, these people did things to me, but it wasn't about me, you know? And through that came a lot of forgiveness, you know, a lot of forgiveness for myself and for other people. But I realized that, like, I held on to everything.

You know, I always felt my life was a consequence of other people, but I realized that like, I held on to everything. You know, I always felt my life was a consequence of other people's bad choices, you know? And it's like, I never really got to make any of my own because I'm only dealing with everybody else's stuff. So I kind of had to be willing to shed my trauma a little bit and to get rid of the anger and the sadness and the sorrows that I held on to that kept me from living. I kind of became closed. I was closed. I was like a book. But a closed book.

It was hidden somewhere in the Vatican because that's where my book would be. The Vatican. Oh, Lord. So it's hidden under there with Illuminati and no one can open it without a password.

It probably got kicked out on its own. But I was just thinking, like, you know, in order... I know a lot of people, you know, hold on to a lot of insecurities. And I guess that's what it comes down to. You hold on to a lot of insecurities. You know, I still have them and work on them today. Did I really make my point? What I wanted to say was there's a lot of things, I guess a lot

of different things that people could shed in order to change their mindset. But it's like, how do you start to recognize that you need to shed those things? Well, I think those are kind of two different pieces. It kind of goes back to Rebecca saying wherever you start, you know, like if it's wherever you're going to be receptive to say, I want to learn to do different. I don't like what I'm experiencing now. And so let me try something different. And so if that is to shed maybe resentment and work through that, whatever that is, if it's, you know, in my case, I had to, um, I had to shed being imperfect and holding myself to these unrealistic standards because as I embraced my imperfection, I was then able to embrace other people's imperfection. And you also teach them how to accept their own too.

Yeah. And so that was, that was the way that it worked for me. It was, so it just depends, um, on where, cause there's a, there is a, um, model, what's it called? A therapy model called internal family systems. And it talks about that we have these multiple parts and all of our parts exist to protect us. And that's something that I've, I've learned some, but in my book, I call it survival strategies that we are designed as humans to keep ourselves alive and to keep ourselves safe. If we feel threatened, we're going to hold on to that pattern until we feel safe enough to shut it. So if you're saying kind of let go, shutting some of the trauma, there has to be a sense of safety in your body, in your life to feel as though you can and that you're ready.

So whatever that entry point is to start feeling safe of, I can get through this and I can work through it. Then you, you run with it. And I asked that question because like, we get a lot of comments and messages and people that, you know, comment on posts and stuff, but it's always like, you know, that's the one thing that's common amongst what I hear is like, Oh, you make it sound so easy. You know, like, oh, you make it sound so easy. You know, you make it sound so easy. You know, like,

I feel like something is wrong, but you crazy. Like, what you saying is crazy. Like, it's really not that simple. And I'm like, okay, you know what it is. So I ask those questions for like those, you know, the audience that's still, you know, they probably watching because they know I'm going to say something crazy during the episode, but then they get a little bit out of it, but they're scared to

take that leap and put that foot out there. So what do you say to that audience? I say, it's not easy. It can sound easy, but it's a process. And so staying committed to the process and anybody who sits there and tells you it's easy and just do it, I would question. I think that comes from that generational, just figure it out when it's not that easy. And then I would question what they've been through and if they've actually really faced it. Because it can sound easy. But the work is ongoing and it's a trial and error. You're going to do well here and then have this situation, you know, like I still get there's times like at this silly nail salon, I get passive.

Like, I don't I don't like my nail done that way. And I get I go back into my I'm at a nail salon right you're about to give them your money you need to leave with what you want yeah but my passivity shows up so again it's another process it's okay why did this show up again how do i maneuver it and so giving yourself also understanding and grace that it is a process and and when we compare that so-and-so got it easier or it's easier for them, I think it's just bullshit. And also understand we only get an hour to ask all these questions and that's not enough time, you know? So that's why.

I was excited to get on here. I mean, I've, I've loved listening to your show and I was like, what are we going to talk about? Because there is so much we could talk about. Yeah. And you know, we want you to come back. Okay. So I want you to come back before you start your group in September. Okay. And so that way you can tell us how we can be part of the group. Okay. I love it. So that sounds, we're going to do that. Rebecca looks like she had a question. Well, I was trying to formulate it in my head because I don't know if you've seen our previous, like you said, you've watched us. So you see how I fumble questions a lot

because I overthink them. So this entire hour, I've been running the question through my head before I actually spit it out of my mouth. So in doing that this time, I lost it. I get it. I get it. But I did want to mention that when Micah was talking about the shedding going back in to his past where he learned that what they were doing was about them not about him and that kind of helped him I was it kind of you know I've heard him say that a few times, but in the aspect of him shedding it made me realize that there is something very profound in my life that I think that I need to shed, that I may, and I didn't realize what it really was until just this moment. So this interview is probably going to be one of the most impactful for me.

I told you, Amanda is our spirit animal. So do you want to know what that moment is? I do. If you are ready to share it, yes. Such a therapist answer. No, tell us. It is going to be my ex-husband. I have to make sure that he forgives me.

For some reason, it's just weighing on me. Yeah. I don't think Micah agrees. No, no, no. It's not that on me. Yeah. I don't think Micah agrees. No, no, no. It's not that I don't agree. Honestly, I was glad when you didn't say your current husband. I was like, Lord. For some reason, I feel like because my kids, it's a long story, and I'm not going to share the whole story to the world. But in my situation, my children, I have three.

They're all older. They have struggled with our divorce, but I feel like their struggle begins with their dad. And I feel like I need to shed that because it's weighing on me. Yeah. And I didn't realize till now that it starts with him. I thought it was with my kids themselves, but I think it starts with him. Because it did start with him.

That's where your kids started too. Yeah. Yeah. So thank you. I love, you're, you're welcome. And I think we need to thank Mike also,

cause he asked the question. Yeah. But I love that you got welcome. And I think we need to thank Mike also, cause he asked the question. Yeah. Um, but I love that you got that and can explore it and see what is it that's, that's there. We, I was just talking to, I was like, who did I, Oh, cause I supervised therapist too. Um, I was just talking to her to one of them about it today is we hold layers like we're built to hold layers of history within our bodies and so going back to the earlier layers and figuring out what is still i i like to think of it as like mud on a window you know like when mud gets you know clung on they stuck on the window or whatever it's like shedding those layers of mud so that you can see more clearly. Sometimes our insight is going to be current.

And then we go, oh, wait, now I've got to rewind because this is where it got stuck. And so I love that you had that insight and I hope that I hope you can go navigate that. Yeah, me too. Me too. Me too. No, seriously. Hey, look, thank you so much for saying that, but you kind of taught me something too, right? Yesterday we had a guest on and Ambika, am I saying it right? Ambika.

Ambika Devi. We had her on yesterday, but she was talking about negotiating a little bit, kind of like, you know, feelings and that kind of thing. And you were talking about still being passive sometimes. And I realized that I do it, but based on an emotion. Right. So to me, it's like which one of us is going to have the worst emotion? And if their emotion is going to be worse than mine's, then I'm going to take it this time. And it ain't worth the fight.

And it was something that you said that made me realize that that's kind of what I was doing, like kind of negotiating with the universe a little bit, like I'm going to take this one, but you know, next time I'm going to need to win. Okay. And that's an example of you protecting yourself.

One of the things I put in my book is, and we want to heighten our awareness of how we're protecting ourselves and if it works, but there are times that you're going to consciously choose to not pick the battle, to consciously choose, like, I'm not having this discussion. I'm not going to use my voice. But when we consciously go, I know what comes with this and I'm, I rather this package versus this more uninformed, like silencing my voice. It just shifts everything when we're just like, no, I own that.

I'm not going to bring this up right now because it's for whatever reasons. Yeah. Well, when your book does get published, if we could have an autographed copy, because it's a thing. So it's a tradition that all of our authors have to give us an autographed copy.

Well, we'll buy it. Yeah, we'll pay for it. So I heard that on another one, and I would love to just send it to you for free. Awesome. Oh,

thank you. And we can send you a pillow. If you can. Okay. That'd be cool. Um, if you can send me an address through the, how we've been communicating in the email,

if you want to do that and I'll put you on the list for the first batch because it's done with editing like final pieces and then it goes to layout. And then I, you gave me a gift one, one of many, but this weekend I was like, I don't like my cover. It's not,

it's, it doesn't fit. I had been avoiding having a feminine cover because I wanted't like my cover. It's not, it's, it doesn't fit. I had been avoiding having a feminine cover because I wanted to be more inclusive. And this weekend I was like, I got to go feminine. And so you even saying that this is possibly more of a feminine drawing worth more of a feminine thing confirms the cover that I came up with. So we're going to get that all squared away. And so hopefully it will be in my hands less than two months. I know. How excited are you?

I'm very excited. It's also, it's like, what, why, how did this happen? That's great. So if you send me an address,

I will send those to you guys in the very first batch if people do want to buy the book it's embodyyourworth.com and right now if you buy it it will be a signed copy okay right okay so yeah well i'm gonna make sure i promote that everywhere and we are gonna send you a pillow right i love. So you also got to, it's our comfort support pillow, you know. Yeah. So I don't know if you see my like clinical room over there, back there, the couch and stuff. And we'll put it right on the couch and perfect. And then you got to send us a picture with it just so we can post it on our social.

And we're going to list all of your contact information, of course. Definitely a lot of information about the book. And, you know, we want you to come back. So we're going to list all of your contact information, of course. Definitely a lot of information about the book. And, you know, we want you to come back. So we're going to work that out for you to come back when it's almost time for you to do your group session. And I might sign up for it. Okay. I love it. Because I'm still in my healing journey.

And I feel like there's still more for me to learn. You kind of taught us a lot here today. We thank you so much for being on and allowing me to call you my spirit animal. But every time you talked, I was like, oh my gosh, she's so me. I'm just a little more, you know, but that's the Puerto

Rican in me. I love it. Thank you for having me on and I look forward to the next time too. I loved getting to talk to you guys and. And thank you just for everything. And we will be in touch. Thank you guys for watching and we'll see you next time.