THESE GUYS! - Bait and Switch

Episode Date: December 13, 2022

🎟 𝗦𝗘𝗘 𝗕𝗘𝗡 𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗝𝗢𝗘𝗬 𝗟𝗜𝗩𝗘 𝗔𝗧 𝗗𝗘𝗧𝗥𝗢𝗜𝗧 𝗛𝗢𝗨𝗦𝗘 𝗢𝗙 𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗗𝗬 𝗗𝗘𝗖𝗘𝗠𝗕𝗘𝗥 𝟮𝟮https://dettickets.houseofcomedy.net/event/benedict-polizzixFIl4hVOn this episode Ben and Joey talked about how local news gets "experts" for useless things

These guys, 12. These guys 12. TG12. TG12. TG12. Listen to us on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Pods, sorry. No, you're good. And get your tickets to try ass a comedy.

Next week. Wait, that's insane. Yeah, it is probably. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. It's coming quick. You got, you got new material once you're dropping on folks there.

Mm. A lot of new F-Boy and stuff. Oh. By the way, that got canceled. Oh, yeah. Hey, hey, cheers, brother. You really walked that one off there, man. They saw you and they said,

ah, we just can't do it after that guy. I don't know, man. Like, I was, I was sad about it, but then, like, I was the cover image for the article. So I was like, not too mad. That was cool. It was a good fake. Or reality, Steve, or whatever his name is on Twitter.

I think vanity or variety posted it too. And that's kind of a big article or a big magazine or online magazine or whatever the fuck. Yeah. Uh, they, there's a possibility that could get picked up by like another network. Who the fuck knows? Sure. Yeah.

Not on HBO Max anymore. So all HBO is really, uh, they're, they're honing in on the scripted stuff. Not the non-scripted. Oh, like not reality shows? Yeah, they're trying to develop like, you know, series and TV shows and everything like that. So shoes coming off. There we go. For God last week.

No more six sexy voice for me. Kind of pissed. I know. You know, it's the worst. ran that dry. Well, it's the worst combination because I don't have sexy, sick voice, but I still have,

like if I get real worked up laughing, I have the cough that comes in. I like that, too. I'd be okay. If you were constantly sick voice and weasy cough, I think it's the best combination ever.

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying is I don't have one of those. I just have the wheezy cough. One's better than none, baby. Yeah, I guess so. Do you talk to Louise anymore? Randomly, like, like DM stuff, you know,

like, ooh, I like your, you know what I mean? Yeah. Just random shit. I know that you're just like writing her love letters. I'm like, yeah, every once in a while. Taking one out of Tom's playbook, huh? For those who wants to show? Dude, he actually hit me up the other day.

Really? I thought he hated you. Nah, he's cool. He's in on the joke. Okay. Which is always good. I, uh, little girl covering her ears outside. Sorry. Do we cuss?

No, I don't know. she's like I just hate this yeah just shut up please stop yeah I know that you cover it a lot on espresso and you've done a lot of episodes there but I I could I could pick your brain

for days about the experience on that show but I'll leave it I want to keep it separate but equal you know I don't know you know no what's what's you know

No. Anytime you say you know, you don't fucking know. You know what I mean? You don't know what I mean. You're just begging people to agree with you. To just say, to just nod their heads. On stage. You know what I mean? Oh, God. It just means fuck, you guys don't know what I mean. Yeah. God. Yeah. The amount of times I did that last night. Telling a story. How to get together. Not a party, but just a get together. So I'm over here and I'm like, where do I put my shoes? You know what I mean? And everybody's like, dude. You're like, I just want to kill myself. Yeah. Just dive. Just absolutely submarine dive out the front window, man. There's like four more of those. At least that'd get a better reaction than what you got.

Through the glass. Through the glass. Even in the front yard, are you okay? Better than whatever the hell I was saying. Someone's like, oh my God. And you're like, yes. We got them. We got them on the hook. Not looking at me. Like I have six dicks on my head. What were we? Oh, brick and mortar. We were saying phrases on the way in here that we like. A phrase that I really like lately. No idea why. The old bait and switch. Wow.

What context you do? I don't know, but somebody said bait and switch the other day. And I was like, that's nice. That should be like the name of a seafood restaurant or something. Dude, yes. Top phrases, bro. The old bait and switch. Hey, bait and switch tonight?

Yeah. $5. Margs or whatever the fuck. B&S for short. Hey, that's BS. Bait and switch, dude. You ever think about it? the first...

I got another one for it. All right. Go ahead. Go ahead. When somebody says, or this happens in a movie or someone's explaining something

like a situation, they're like, yeah, he got double crossed. I'm like, ooh, fuck. Is this a plot of a Matt Damon movie or something?

Or is this my DB coach talking about the post corner route that I got double crossed on? Flip your hips, Molin arrow. Double crossed. By the way,

we need a minute out of you today. No, come on. No, no, in our minute. I'm so pissed. No Molinar minute.

Bro, please? Maybe. Maybe. You're big, it's just got a, you know, natural. It's just got to come. I got, yeah. Well, I had to tell you. I was going to text you.

I was like, I said, for sure, no, if I text them. I'm so I got to tell him. Gonna tell them a lot. Yeah, man. But you ever think about, like, the first, the first person who said something like that bait and switch? Like, who's the first one that just fucking laid that down? You fucking bait and switch.

You know, like the bait and switch. What does that even mean? Hey, what does bait and switch mean? I think it's like you tell them one thing in one hand and then on the other, you know what I mean? Like you get them to bite on the bait and then once they bite, then you switch it. There we go. The action generally,

generally illegal. Oh, that's why it's so sexy. Of advertising goods, which are an apparent bargain with the intention of substituting inferior or more expensive goods. So it's basically just every Black Friday sale known to man. Black Friday. 40% off, 40% off, up to 60% off.

Get there after the fees, the delivery, the taxes. Door buster deal, best buy, bait and switch. You do, you get like a $25 shirt. 40% off, black Friday, 40% off. 40% off. Dale, deal, do, do, do, do, do, do. And then you do the code and then everything comes out, but they have to make up for it because of the taxes, the fees, the shipping. And then all of a sudden, instead of a $25 shirt, it's still somehow like $36. You're like, where the fuck do my savings go?

And then you see the little third line there. You're like, oh, it took it off. It took it down to $21. But then when you add everything back up, okay, well, whatever. When I'm looking at that breakdown of the prices, all I need to see is that minus 30% in red. And I'm like, okay, it works. Put it on the credit card. That's fine.

Put it on the credit card. It's in there. That's the old bait and switch. The old Black Friday bait and switch. Imagine if there was a bait and switch restaurant or or like, I'm thinking of it as like, maybe a little food truck, maybe a little bait and switch, dude. Seafood food truck. That actually sounds disgusting.

I don't think you can have a seafood food truck. That's true. Dude, a fishing store though, like a bass pro shop branch of just fishing stuff. Just a small, like an Ace hardware version of Lowe's. And it's bait and switch. God, who's not going? You know, they'd sell some, they'd sell a weird thing too that like drew everybody in. You know what I mean?

They'd have like coffee randomly. Or like a weird food selection in there. I drink Baten Switch coffee. Fuck, yeah, you would. Baten Switch cup of black. God damn. Hey, come on, bait and switch. Not a place you'd take a girl, though, you know, for coffee.

No. Yeah, me and my boys meet up at Beat and Switch. Hey, honey. When I get some coffee at Batten Switch. Because then the girl's like, he wants to meet at a place called Baton Switch. You got to be careful about that shit. One of her friends is like, what? Did he call you a batch?

And she's like, no, Bay and Swatch. red fog. I only talk. That's the way girls talk. I only talk. When I'm talking like a girl, I only talk like girls who like Ben. That is every girl that's ever liked me

or I've ever liked talks like that. That's a red vlog. Talks out. They turn all their eyes to ease. Oh, every girl I've ever liked who's gum. Oh my God. What a bitch. Bait and sweatsh.

So like. You think you're hot shot. Hot shot. Are you hot shed or a hot shot? Every vowel and every word is just like emphasized through the roof. I want to make it clear that I know, yeah. Hey, my wife is one of them. She does not, she does not talk like that.

And there are a lot of females, there are a lot of women out there who don't talk like that. But the ones that attract Ben and the ones that Ben is attracted to. Whatever. ever. Dude, is it like Midwest Valley girl or like, what is it? I think that's just its own category. We need to make that. That needs a lane.

No, ban, swap. Don't even finish the words. Never. Any girl I've ever talked to in my life doesn't finish any word. She says. So like,

so like, nah. What are you doing? Like, Tuna. So like, yeah, that's like the way. That's almost like, you know. What, you know, so, so like, yeah. Seriously.

That's bad. If you get that, that's bad news. So, you're like, salang, is this, is this a wine? Saban,

yeah. Salon, yeah. Carbagnon. Carbana. A glass of carb. Cab, carbon,

yeah. Oh, the hate us. Oh, well, doesn't matter. Thank God. What's the... What's the wildest? What's the wildest gift you've ever gotten for a female that you are... Wildest?

Like, when you went all out or, you know, you told the gift card story a couple weeks ago. Man, that story lives rent free, bro. wildest like in what way just like whatever way like well let me rephrase not wildest like most interesting no like when when you're just like you know what i'm going all out i'm i'm i'm spending probably more than i should a macbook pro oh yeah damn mm-hmm how old were you this was like two years ago and i was like bro it was just like it was just like it was too, it was too right in front of my face.

I'm like, I don't want to get her something like good. Because I like her. But like an Apple watch. It's just kind of like a cop out for the thing you wanted to. And like at the time she like was, she was like, oh my God. Like it was always like talking about like needing a laptop. And I was like, I'm not going to get her some HP. You know, it's something she needed.

So I was like, this would be a fire gift. Yeah. And like, and then I'm thinking about it. I'm like, you might as well, you know, you want to be proud of... Fuck, yeah, you do. Just go for it. It's a good feeling, bro. It really is.

Yeah. I did that last night. But yeah, I bowled out. I didn't get, I didn't get Riley on a MacBook Pro. You're just going to say what she got on this podcast? No, I'm not. Surrogate Mary Chris. She's like, you fucking set on the podcast two weeks ago, you idiot.

Yeah, like she listens to this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But I did that. And it was one of those where I was like, you know, I'd gotten. I'd gotten a couple of the things that she'd asked for, right? So, like, you know, that's coming and everything. But it's like, now it's to the point, you know, I'm like, I don't want to just be boring husband who gets what's on the list. You know what I mean? And doesn't go out of the way. You got to be creative, bro.

So I was like, I thought about it. I kind of, like, brought up to her. And then I just, I went for it last night. You going to say it? No, I'm not going to say it. Shut the, where's it from? What are you? Online.

dude, come on she doesn't listen to it. Dude, but then there's a chance and somebody will tell her. She has a few friends actually that are diehard listeners of us and you know, so it's funny because it's like, right, she rides like, I live

with you. I don't really. I'm like, yeah, that's fine. But so they'll tell her. Dude, these guys these guys followers, bro, like we keep it in house. They're not going to tell, bro. These guys is a secret club. These guys and these girls. It's a secret

a club, bro. You can't go against code and tell people what goes on in this club. These girls. Why is they're not that these girls? I would listen to this should be called these girls. Hey, we're talking about bait and switch and off, you know, house of Bass Pro shops. These girls should be like, you know, the separate store from these guys. These girls should be a podcast. And should be too. Who's not listening? These, these girls. We need to have like counterparts that are that are female. Just expand the club a little bit. That do like girls. versions of Johnson and Schmiddy. Oh, God. That'd be my worst nightmare.

Dude, you know who doesn't think Johnson and Schmidt is funny at all? Every girl in the world. I don't think it's funny. I'm like, that's the whole thing is it's not funny. Right. That does trip me up where I'm just like, oh, you know, it's like Levitart. It's like, you don't get the show. I mean, it's really what it is. God dang. It's like, you know, girls don't think family guys funny. Girls don't like these guys. don't. Oh, yeah. Like I'll get, it's so dude humor and family. But I'll get comments, you know, that'll be like, oh my God, can't wait to show my boyfriend. That's he still quotes the Christmas

one. And I'm like, yeah, okay. Well, you're watching still. It's, it's, it's the, it's the, it's the premise of it. Like, they want, like, women, girls want to laugh at it. But they know that if they do, then they're just like immature dude humor. And they don't want to admit to them. I want to be smart. And I think it's the same thing. thing with like family guy. You know, like, if they're watching it, just like scrolling on their, you know, phone and their guy, their boyfriend is like working out or something,

they'll, they'll, they're, they're gay. Yeah, live a little. Dude, who's not, who's not, who's not laughing at shit? You want to laugh at. Who cares what it is? Who's not laughing on the Christmas version from two years ago where I asked, where did you get that sweater from?

The North Coles? I mean, come on. Come on. That's gas. Like, what are we doing? And if somebody said that to you in real life, you'd be like, I know

You fucking Schmany jokes in real life slap so hard That's all anybody does Seriously Jesus Like every good Every good joke

That I'm like What? People are like That's a crazy That's a good joke I'm like that's a fucking Dad joke That's Johnson

That is what it is Hi That's a nice girl You wish What was that? Nope. All right. So what we're talking about?

Completely forget everything. Girl walks by once. Completely forget everything I've ever done in my life. The clientele that is usually out here off Market Street, it's, you know, it's pretty forgettable. Not these folks out here right now, of course. But typically, that is that. It's a MacBook Pro.

Wow. Yeah, that is good. That's, I just had no choice. You know, gifts like that, that really says something too, especially when you're not married because it's like even if and sorry but you did like you broke up but it's like that gift lives on. Yeah, I had that in the back

of my head. She's editing pictures of her and her new boyfriend on the MacBook you got her. Never forget. One time, do you ever have Talk thug? Do you ever have some of the ones you think about? You're like, wow, I'm glad I didn't do that shit. What, like buying a present? Yeah. I usually always just running gun, bro.

Man. I'm usually always pulling the truth. one time I actually thought about adopting a puppy I wouldn't be the one to bring that shit up I'd be like a living creature, probably not I don't even know, I mean I was

About a $5,000 computer, sure Hey, payment plan Get it over with bro I never want to think about it again. Yep it's a smart way to avoid payment plans that's what they told me on out of here

it's what they told me on local news dude news is so I've had you're watching local news that's a good cough thanks

that was like a soundboard cough like if I typed in cough in YouTube that was in the first result um my voiceover guy um we get a cough in three

two one um yeah with Frank you know he's up and so my shift with him is kind of very early in the morning into just the regular morning and so you clocking in at like 5 a.m. I'm clocking in and doing some push-ups drinking four cups of coffee writing some shit down maybe filming a vid yeah right more like just watching local news and maybe writing a bit of what I was thinking of but that's good shit yeah but what I was saying

is that like I'm up and so anything that's on at 5 a.m. it's all reruns like weird 700 club Joel Olstein shit or just the local news. That's like the only thing that's like a live current happening right now. Yeah. And so I'm like, you'll throw it on see what's going on.

The weather's going to be like any tips of tricks, whatever the hell. Tips are tricks. That's what's so funny is that like news, especially local news, takes everything that is like good and fun and enjoyable. And they have to because the way to make stories and like continue.

to be on the air, they have to make it something that you could die from. Literally. So you paid attention? Bro, I was watching the other day and they were like, they were like, it's that time of year where you're going to be wrapping gifts and shopping quite a bit. Ways to avoid serious injury and death coming up after the, I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? That's the only way they get people to listen.

It was insane. It was like, and they had an expert on about like things not to do when you're wrapping presence to avoid serious injury. I was like, a present expert? Who the f? Well, right. One, but I'm like, okay, so just everything that we look forward to and is good. You just have to bring it back

down with just ways that he could somehow die from it. That's pretty funny. Yeah, every single, every single after the break has something to do at death. Like, and they, they, the cold twin and you will die to see what happened in the fourth corner. After the break, just every death die.

Bro, it's like, they, I mean, started off like so holly jolly and good. You know what I mean? And so you're kind of like, oh yeah, it is. You know what I mean? Yeah, I want to go shopping. Like, I need to get those gifts. And then tapes and glues to avoid so you don't poison yourself and things to look out for after the break. People who watch the news are the biggest pussies, dude. Me? No, I mean, like that, I mean, you're watching it just because there's nothing else on. But people who are actually like, oh, I never thought about the tape and the glue that could kill my son. Like, dude, shut up. Right. And it's like, Have you not thought? How have we not thought about that yet?

Hey, be careful around scissors. No shit. It's like the first thing. We got a three minute segment with an expert on that to tell me that. The news is so bored. Oh my God, dude. They're just searching for shit. The guy that's got to put that shit together, man, I feel for him, bro. He has every news director ever zero hair.

You know they're just up by now. God damn it. What are we supposed to talk about? It's entertaining people, like mad people in their 70s. Oh yeah. And dude, like the Today Show, that shit cracks me up too because that's like a national show, you know? They're so bored. Bro, they have experts on every single day that's just like, ways to save money during the holidays. And the person will come on.

I'll be like, now instead of flying, think about driving, carpooling together. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? You're on the Today Show? Getting paid that money? Like, that's what you're talking about? Carpool. Now, when you're thinking about holiday gifts, perhaps try to limit the ones that you buy for. And I'm like, oh, that's the way you save money? Okay.

Saving money during the holidays. Who's ever fucking saved money during the holidays? And there's not a thing. Give me some groundbreaking. Like maybe, hey, this website is something that has really good deals that could cut off, you know, 25%, but then add it all back up, like we said, because of the tax and the delivery. Something that's like a cheat code. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not, hey, instead of a buying a $1,500 flight, why not drive three hours? Give me some naughty shit. Give me a weird website in China and everything. for one weird hour of the day is 40,000% off. That's what I want to hear about. Not fucking carpooling. And what's even

funnier is that the hosts have to stand there and be like, oh, right, I didn't think about that. Oh. Okay, so you were saying, don't spend an enormous amount on flights. Okay, got it. Yeah, that would help.

That would help. I'll have to tell my wife that. Dude. Who's watching this? What are we doing? so you want to watch the news night you get a lot of material from it dude you really do the news is so oh my god

I just sit there and laugh at it I really do it's kind of mind blowing how fake it is like the whole oh it's such a production it's like all it's like so surface level I feel like it's wow yeah but it's like so like guys can we just like fucking be real. Like, you don't have to put on

makeup and shit. Oh, man. You know what the news is? The news is going back to your hometown and a bar and, like, running into a bunch of people that you went to school with. All of that surface level shit. Oh, wow.

Hey. Oh, your son, his Little League team. Oh, my God. Wow. Who gives this shit? You just bought a house? Oh, I love that. Wow. What area of Greensburg? Did you buy your home like, dude. It's all that, man.

It really is. So anything, anything local anymore. I'm like, can't even talk about it. Hope I'm Carson Daily one day though. So, you know. Just doing pop star. In two years, me and you're the fucking top news anchors in Greensburg.

On today's story. That was almost me. It was. I mean, I wasn't going to do it like that. But like, my whole thing was like, I want to do the news, but like make it like not. annoying and boring. Nah,

doesn't exist. You can't do it. People don't hire that. Yeah. They don't hire that. Just still don't hire us, us though. Just a reminder,

you still gotta do your mold nerd minute. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. Yeah, I'm excited about this gift, though, man. It's one of those that...

Can you give us a hint? You can't just be like, hey, I did this thing. What is it? Nothing. Like, you gotta give me some shit. It's,

um, it's very, it's been in the news a lot lately. Not so much lately like this past week. So you got her to the McRib. Just a sloppy ass McRib. Dude, who wouldn't be so happy about that though? You could give me the biggest piece of shit.

Dude, if it was anything from a fast food restaurant for a gift, I'd be like, yeah. Bro, but that cardboard box that those come in that are Big Mac comes in. Pretty lux if you ask me. Wrap one of those up. Holy, dude, the box of Big Mac comes in. Jesus Christ. I'd rather have that boxed that's like over a laptop.

That's what I was going to say. I was going to say, I'm just going to go buy a bunch of Big Macs. I'm going to put all the little shit that I got people in the Big Mac box. Wrap up to Big Macs. Big Macs. I'd be like, A Big Mac.

Oh, you got me a fucking iPhone in here? Who cares? I wanted the sandwich. Right, but it'll be such a perfectly wrapped gift, man. That little ass box, a cardboard. A lot of weird angles on that box, though. Yeah, rap is a bitch, man.

It is. It's so much harder than, like, people make it out. You don't know how to wrap that? It's always girls saying that shit. No, I don't know how to wrap presents. Because it's literally fucking algebra. We always talk about how, geometry.

Yep. We always talk. Now you know. Yeah. I always talk about how, you know, girls handwriting compared to guys handwriting. It just, it's something that just,

you know, for whatever reason, science, whatever it is, genetics, girls just automatically write better than guys. Girls just can wrap, gifts without even watching

a YouTube video without anybody teaching them it just like comes innately. Yeah, dude. Guys can catch like a pop fly. Girls are just like FFWFW on top. Insane. And it's like the corners are so crisp. They're like right angles.

There's not a mistake. There's not a mistake. And if there is a mistake, they like find a way to cover it up so you'd never see it. Meanwhile, when I have a mistake while I'm rapping, I have to literally like roll it like it's like. Ew, I hate one guy. do that shit. And then the ends are rolled. I'm like, ins are rolled and I just absolutely lather it and tape.

Ew. Just slap that shit on. Unless you're not my fucking dad, bro. My dad's the most single guy thing ever, ever done in the history of the most single guy things ever. Rap presence one year in newspaper. I was like, bro, this is a joke, right? Like you're, you're playing into the fact that this is crazy as fuck, right? This is too stereotypical. This is psycho. Yeah. I don't even want to open the gift. And then I was like, but what comic is this? It was like, bits of funny papers.

Right, right. I was like, is this peanuts? I don't, yeah, if I got that, I mean, that's a big part of the gift. Is it right? When you look at that sexy rapping, you're like, wow. I get to look at these and stack them up right here.

And then I have to open them, which sucks during open up, but then I get it. It's like, oh, this is awesome. But it's a very, it's a very, like, secretly great part of Christmas when you, like, every, there's all the, all the presents and you got to make your own pile of your shit

out of the present. your pile. Ro, when you're like second in on your pile got like seven more dog. It's a good place to be in.

Oh, the best. Two out of seven? You're right, right, I can do this all day. You want to live in that moment. Yeah.

You're asking your sister all sorts of questions when she opens hers because you don't want it to get to you yet. Whoa, what? Whoa,

well, you would try that on. You don't give a shit. Try that on. I'm like, you don't, are you actually care?

You're wasted You don't get a shit. You just want to live on. Put those shoes on. Run around the house. You just want to live on gift three. Yeah, dude. And then you start getting a five and six and you're like, oh, it's over.

Should we take a break? She take a coffee? Living on present too is so funny. No way. Where'd you get it? Where'd you find it? You don't give up. Oh, you did. You told me you really wanted that. Yeah. No one fucking cares. No, he can't. Even they don't care. care. They're like, I don't even like it. Look at this. In their head. Two out of seven, man.

Two out of seven's like, all right. Yeah, we can keep gone, but two out of seven's like, I'm in a good place here. Right. When you have the full pile there, you're like, you feel bad. You're like, dude, feeling bad on Christmas is that's a naughtiest fucking, it's the dirtiest I've ever felt in my life. A second wafes over you where you're like, man, like, I'm a piece of shit. Yeah, this is like, you know, I hope. I hope other people are having a good Christmas. I'm really lucky. Start thinking about other people for one second of your life. And then you look and you go, you say,

nah, fuck them. Then you look and you go, you're like looking at somebody else with their pile and like, they don't have as many, but you're like, oh, they probably got like a real,

like expensive big one. Oh yeah. They got like small ones that like mean, mean more and maybe, maybe they got a gift card. No, no, it's like if you have like seven,

you say and then they have like four, you're like, oh man. that you kind of feel about, but then you're like, one of them had to be like $300. Oh, yeah. You know, like they're getting something fucking sick. Because when you're making your piles, you're like, this one's heavy. Right.

Yeah. This is great. Do you know what this is? Do you have any like intel? Hey, you know what joke? I do it every single year and I will always do it. I can't wait. Do you have any guess?

Um, does it have to do with like shaking a present? Kind of, yeah. Just say it. Can't wait it anymore. Whatever the shape of the present is, you just have to say something that it's definitely not. Like if it's a... That would fucking put me on the floor,

like, if it's like a longer, like thinner thing, you're like, what is it? We got a basketball. Or like if it's like a box, that's just a square box,

you're like, get this be, what is a... Spogostick? Snowboard, a canoe. Why is it always fucking like... Dude.

I fucking live for that. I love it so much. You get them every year? Well, I mean, just like my sister will laugh because of how much an idiot I am. Yeah, yeah. And everybody else. It's more of an inside joke. Yeah.

Wife hates it. Wasn't going to say anything. But that's the first thing I pictured. It's like, and you definitely got to do that shit when you're opening, say at, like, if you're doing like a friend's gift. exchange or you're doing, you know, at your ladies' families, you know, and like, they get you putting on, bro. Yeah, really. Because everybody, when you're a guest at a, at your wife or girls Christmas,

bro, you're, you need to be this, like a stand-up comedian for four hours. And somebody, and like they're giving gifts, like, everybody, nobody gives a shit if like the second youngest sibling, like, is opening their gifts. Everybody's kind of just like, oh, yeah, yeah, you know, carrying it on their own conversation. But if you're the guest, all eyes are on you when you're opening. Oh yeah. What are you gonna do, bro? All eyes are on you. It could be a pepperoni. And I'd be like, oh, ha, ha ha ha, do you know? You really? You gotta sell that shit. You gotta sell it. You gotta be in it. You gotta overly thank. Big over than. Oh my God. You didn't know. How'd you know I wanted, uh, how'd you know I love pizza this

much? A single pepperoni? Oh my, it's from Europe? Oh, that's where my great-grandparents are from. You did not. It's crazy, bro. Right when you walk outside, fuck this pepperoni. Are you serious? One pepperon. Jesus.

One year. One pepperoni ago. Stroke meter. Oh, ooh, who, who. Stroke, stroke. One year, uh, Riley's grandma. This was the, I should have won a fucking Oscar for this.

Oh, man. Riley's grandma got us all gifts and everything, and it was just great. Super, super awesome. But I opened mine up, and she literally got me the same exact sweater that she had gotten me

the year before. This is wild. I'd be so uncomfortable. A navy blue polo, like V-neck. How'd she not know? No, V with like a maroon, Ralph Lauren Polo.

Kind of nice. It's great. It's a big, So nice you need too. Apparently. Big holiday sweater, right? Definitely, I mean, not complaining about the gift at all. But what I'm saying is I, for a second, I open it up and I'm like kind of gauging the room because I'm like, is this a, is this like a gag?

Like, is this a running joke? They didn't know. They didn't know? And like, everybody was kind of, and immediately I could tell by the reactions like, nope, definitely not. So I was just like, oh, wow. This is, right. Look at this. This is so good.

This is handsome. Wow. You changed it up on them. Like you, you read the room and you dialed it in quick. You do deserve, you deserve. And then I, hey, you deserve a third. This year. Hopefully.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I know, Ryan. I know, Rye's mom. Can find this anywhere. Two in your closet. Rice mom listens, I think, so maybe we'll, but no, so I, every year. I pulled Rye. 70 of them.

That would be awesome. That would be, dude, everybody's just waiting. Everybody's waiting for when I get to that. I'm kind of you now. I'm like, who? What else? Dude, imagine, imagine the jokes with that shit.

Oh, I'd pay to see your reaction. No, you're 38. Hey. Oh, my God. Give me my present. Come on. Hey, I stand out. Come on.

It's like, it's like the rock. Yeah. If you smell, you stand up in the middle, bro. You fucking throw off the sweater you're wearing. Throw it in the crowd.

You're like, give me the shirtless. Just fucking going like this. can rip it open. All the kids, like all the kids that are there now. Sweeter. They have posters of you with the sweater on. Will you sign this for me? Dude,

you're waiting outside fucking signing posters of you wearing a Ralph Lauren sweater or whatever the fuck. Dang it. Here's another one. Give to your mom. Sweater. Sweater.

Your Twitter name ad sweater guy the next day. Your whole personality is sweater guy. At sweater weather. You sell your own sweaters every year. Sweater guy. Sweater guy. I'm hoping for that now.

Fucking a closet full of them, bro. That would be so awesome. I would love it. I would eat that shit up. Just every year gets more and more. I play it up. Yeah. And then like,

you know, Riley's, dad or stepdad or whoever is just like all right is that it everybody got everything everybody's you know unwrapped it everybody got loose around and he's like wait a second oh wait i think there's one more what song would play behind the tree what song would play but like there's a live DJ there and shit I think dude you got me thinking of wrestling now I think the Sina one more.

Oh, it's right there. Right when everybody looks. DJ in the corner. Sweat. My shirt comes off. Just a rip it open. Face pain on and shit. That is funny.

You said that. I mean, that sweat literally happened. So I pulled her eye aside and I was like, hey, uh, I'm not trying to be this guy or anything. Like,

but I think grandma got me the same. I think like you don't 100% know. God. And then we told her mom, Kelly, she was like, oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I was like, no, it's a great sweater. I just, like, wanted to make sure that she wasn't like trying to, you know, again, it was a bit me thing. I'm like, I thought maybe it would be a bit like, yeah, other sweater like we're talking about. Wow. What a forward thinking person that would be if that was a bit. But now I'm like kind of hoping that that's the case. It is funny, though, on my dad's side, we've been having this running thing for probably 15 years now.

that you've never seen the movie Three Amigos. I know you have a... Fuck, no. If there's a movie I've never seen, it's definitely that one. Wow. Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, Martin Short,

it's a classic. Like a comedy classic. I've probably seen the cover of it. One for each other and all for one. Man, I've never seen shit. Three brave of me... Anyways,

so there's this character, El Lapo. And he... It's funny. They're down in Mexico. And obviously, it's super fucking hot. down there. And it's his birthday and his best friend gets him a gift and he opens it up.

And he holds it up. And he's like, it's a sweater. And it literally is just a fucking sweater. And so it's like in Mexico, right? You're like, why the fuck would anybody give him a sweater, right? And so we have that. Tell me you and your dad do that. Every year. That'd be a good question for this podcast. Uncle Tony, Uncle Nick. My dad is fucking family. It's a sweater. Always won. always one that gets you. So that's your guys like Christmas tradition. Everybody has a weird one, you know?

Everybody has a weird Christmas tradition in their family. I don't talk about. What's yours? Just the fact that you don't celebrate until February? That is weird. But actually when we do celebrate, this doesn't go down anymore. I don't think because Coach P, my dad is, you know,

he's a married man now. But when he was single, single Coach P at his house, me and my two sisters would run over there for Christmas on, I don't know, February 18th or whatever. And before we open presents, it wouldn't be like chestnuts roasting. We would play Rob Zombie, which is like hardcore, like fucking...

I don't know. It's going to get copyrighted if we played, so I'm not going to play it. But, dude, we would just blow the roof off with that shit. And it was so funny, dude. It's all about like blood and just like the weirdest like shit. What so what like, what were you guys doing while that was happening?

Were you like going crazy like mosh pit? Or were you just like sitting around? No, hell no. We'd never do that. It was just, it was just like the irony. Like it was just like, fuck yeah.

You know, there's food out there. You know what I mean? Everybody else is probably like still kind of just watching TV and you couldn't hear it. My other sister was probably like picking it. Like maybe like eating like some shit. My dad would probably be like washing dishes.

I'd probably be on my phone. Oh, 100%. Yeah. We just, you know, we'd be, we'd be ready to open presents, but that would be like, all right, we're, we're having Christmas. Okay. I like it. That's the closest family moment we've ever had. Fucking Rob zombie.

Living dead girl. Donna, da, da, da. It was just fucking hilarious. I'm going to actually get them to do it. I was going to say, you should see what the new coach, Mrs. Coach Pete. I actually, I don't even care what that.

Well, don't even say. I'm playing it. Don't even, don't even like, warn. Just all of a sudden just fucking blast it. Right. Right. You got to. It happens.

Don't ask before. Welcome to the family. That is a good one, though. I never knew that. That's a good. That's a good. And the irony is good. That is funny.

Right. Because everybody else is like, frosted window. Shut the hell up, play some death music. Christmas morning. Oh, oh, oh.

That shit goes so. I mean, honestly, that is a, a song that like you come down the stairs to slow motion. Oh, wow. You're going to fuck up Christmas, bro. Oh, oh. You and your siblings are just

like slow-mo walking down. Dan, dan, dun, done, done. Oh, wow. Like your mom and dad are like slow-mo turning around because I know the chaos is about to ensue and you're just fucking man. Can you give it to me?

No, no, no, no, no, no, me, no, me, me, me, me, my, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, how good does that feel when you hit that? Yeah, dude. That's like the only thing I did growing up. After school for like four hours, just being in my house like,

oh, just trying to, yeah, my mom would be like, stop it. I'd be like, oh, why?

See, then I would get in trouble for like four weeks. I would always do something funny like that and then get in trouble. I'd be like, God damn, I can never just pull one off.

So stupid, man. I know, of it like Jesus. How long we've been to this podcast like an hour and 48 minutes?

I don't know. How long we've been doing it? I want to keep doing it. Got about 10.15 left. Wow. Bubba bonus time. Bonus on Black Friday at Bubba-Bat and

Baten Switch. Come on down. Those promos for those shops, man. Dude, you know what fun? This man. He used to love that.

Dude, what promos suck? is the rally house shop that has like all the local teams that took over sports fanatics basically. Sad day. Sad, sad day. And I don't know if they have this

another market. I know they have rally houses everywhere but I don't know if this is just like a universal So rally house is like where you buy like your. This is where I got this. Cold jersey or some shit.

Is it in the mall? I don't know if they have one in the mall. Is it like an actual shop? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a Brick and Morton. Another. fucking classy ass phrase.

Just bait and switched you there. But, dude, it's awful. It's like, but it's, you know what? Everybody says,

like, it's so awful that it gets stuck in your head. You're like, I'm thinking to rally house. Rally house. It's your city. It's your house.

It's the rally house. Yeah, that's why they do it, right? And then this guy's like, this guy's like, Colts, Pacers, Indiana Hoosers,

Irish Bears. Notre Dame. Dude, it's terrible. Blow my head off. Boiler makers. Rally. Is that on like FM radio or something? I don't know if they have that on that, but it's like big on when you're watching Pacers games.

On rallies. I don't know how local. Or just like a local. Yeah, it's impossible. But what the hell, bro? It's your city. It's your house. What is he the teams that he said?

Gold Spacers, Indiana Hoosers fighting Irish. Boilermakers. Rally house. They make it annoying on purpose. Yeah. Right? That's just, that sucks, dude. They're like, are you in marketing class, like marketing school where they're like, okay,

today we're learning how to make an advertisement. What's the first step? Make it annoying as shit. Make them want to kill themselves? Exactly, Josh. You just got your doctorate. Perfect. Well, here's the way I went for Rally House.

Hoosiers, Irish. Spoiler makers. Just saying the name's not even trying. Not even trying. It's just the pep. Peptobismol like jingle in sports form. Naja heart, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach diuret.

Hey, let's go boilers. That's the same shit. Yeah, just take the Peptobismal and then make it whatever you're selling. That's like the template for annoying jingles. The plug and play. When it's 1159, you're a marketing student and you have homework due at midnight.

Fuck, I don't know. Petal Bismol template. Spoiler-Makers, Pacers, fucking. Fighting Irish. Diarrhea. Fuck, I forgot to change that one. Getting to F. Yeah, this has every one of the Indiana schools,

but for some reason it says, diarrhea. Josh Rima played again. This podcast makes no sense to anyone. Did you? Did you copy someone else's work and forget to change it? Oh, no. Just petalbismo.

What anybody else? Yeah. It's a, it's the OG. car dealership commercials. They're so bad. I wonder if that's a thing that they're so bad that you want to watch them, you know? Yeah. Like you ever

you ever listen to like a sports broadcast that's so bad you have to listen to it? Oh yeah. I'm just kidding because we do. That do you mean we do. Yeah, shouldn't say it's on air, but that one guy you send me all the time

that does radio hits that are so bad, but you have to listen to them. That's what car dealerships do, dude. Like, they put all their whole family in the commercial. Yeah, and they're all... Put Uncle Rick in the fucking car with a Dalmatian. That'll sell it. It's like they've never read before, too.

You know, like when they're like reading the script on a teleprompter. Come on down to Kia Motors and get your shine on. Can we have a little bit of charisma? Like, can you just talk to us? Good Lord. We know. when you're at the Pacers game, you're trying so hard to get on camera. And now here you are. You have

the camera in your face to sell something. And it's like you've never talked before. Always a fucking dog and a kid in a, like a car dealership commercial. I'm like, this is, we don't care. Man, people are going to be pissed. And the volume's always a little different too. Oh, yeah. I'm like, oh, turn it up. Why is it quiet?

No, but it's loud. It's way too loud or way too quiet. I'm like, cool, dude. Oh, my God. Or it's like, come down. Yeah. I'm like, turn it up. What are they talking about?

Turn it down. It's too informative. Pissed, man. Come down. And then you're in trouble because it's something you want to watch. And then, you know, your girl's like, why is it so loud? You're like, it's not me. It's the, it's a commercial.

It's Ray Skilman. Car dealership guys' names are always pretty fire. It's so fake. You think? Ray Skilman. That's a, that's a. That's a. serious name, bro. Top five

name. Top five name you grew up with, your number one car dealership in your town. Dude, it's like Luke Skywalker. Oh, that's so fucking hard. Like, anybody with the last name Walker ever, though, just call them Skywalker, make their year. Oh, my God. Can we not get that into

like different, can we not get that into last names yet? What? Like, has I not... No, like, how do we not have, like... I mean, can someone just change their last names? named a Skywalker and then we start it to where there's actually Skywalker's around. Oh, go ahead. Start it, bro. Joey Skywalker, you'd have to be a rapper like tomorrow. SoundCloud white rapper. Everybody hates. Who's not listening, Drew?

Skywalker. Dude on my college football team named Jimmy Walker. Just his, his name was Scott. He could jump high. Skywalker. Yeah. Did you see that guy on United States soccer team who goes by Jedi? Really? It's not his name. But that That's just what, I mean, it is his name. It's not a given name, but it is his name. Do you have like a celebration after he scores a goal or anything? I don't know. I didn't see him score, but yeah, he just, he goes by his name is Jedi.

He goes by it. And he's, I heard him talking, and they were like, that's fucking bold, bro. He better be good. He's on the U.S. soccer team. I mean, it's pretty fucking good. Oh, yeah, that's crazy. But, I mean, dude, you got it. Yeah, that's his, Anthony is his name, but he just goes by Jedi.

I wonder why. What's the Jedi thing? Jedi might, like, what, I don't know. I'm like, this is like, yeah, I know, I'm so like,

Jedi. I don't know shit about Star Wars. There's a light side force users in Star Wars. But why would they call him Jedi like, is he like, is he like, is he like, on the story,

he said that he, he, um, he wasn't like, he, he didn't even watch the Star Wars movies when he was a kid, but he just loved Star Wars toys. Uh,

so he had Star Wars toys. Why is that relatable? And he was Jedi. And he was Jedi. And he, that's what he liked. And so he goes by Jedi. Great.

That's, that's insane. Yeah, it says the dad loves Star Wars and he gave him a nickname when he was four. Oh. That's so hard, bro. Yo, Jedi. Oh my God. I'm surprised you. Look at Instagram.

His name at Anthony Jedi. At Anthony underscore Jedi. Dude, if he like scores one goal. Hey. His username's just going to be at Jedi, you know. Oh, that would be so hard. Good usernames, bro. They don't get appreciated enough.

still don't know why a league hasn't listened to us and put people's Instagram handles on the back of their jersey. Wait, who? Like the NFL. That's really, but I mean, some, some idiots probably don't have Instagram, like some weird offensive guard probably doesn't have Instagram and then, then, well, they can just have their regular name, but like at juju, jujong, cheetah, dude. Shut the fuck up. Come on. Damn, that'd be so hard. But there's all, there.

There's only a select few that have that, but it should be that. I mean, but most of them have, like, cool handles. Shoot, shoot, dude. That'd be cool. Should at least have the option? Jedi on the back of a fucking soccer jersey? Because that's not buying this. The USA soccer jerseys are so ugly, by the way.

Yeah. Really? Yes. What's wrong with them? What would you change? I mean, it looks like they're wearing a bib. Like, I don't know why it's so hard to make a cool USA, like, Olympic. Like, those are disgusting, man.

Oh, the white one. Yeah, the bib action. Both of them, bro. I like the blue. The blue looks like they fucking lost it with a black pen. It's not complicated. Well, what would you do? Stars and Stripes?

Honestly, I would rebrand America, dude. Really? Yes. What are you talking about? The colors are red, white and blue is so played, bro. Throw some, yeah, one year they- That's us, man. That's fucking change it, dude.

No. We need, USA needs a rebrand anyway. Everybody hates us. Throw some gold in there. They did it one year. they threw gold in there. That looked good. And change the dark blue to light blue.

You don't have to, you don't have to permanently change, but like one year. All right. That's fine. Like, like, blue.

Almost UCLA with a little hint of red like in there. Ooh. Yeah. Sexy. That would be sexy. And make it, make it plain. But that USA jersey right there,

bro. What are you doing? What is happening? Yeah. I don't know why they did the, the bib thing. Yeah, you got to give it to them.

They're trying to be different. And you got to give that props, but it's not. in there. I mean, without the bib thing, it might be okay. Doesn't really bother me. Right.

But the, yeah, it looks like he just has a collar that's popped down. It's weird. But, uh, I don't mind the blue with the splotch. I don't mind that. I think, I don't know. It's a, yeah, it's not bad. It's not bad. But like, look up, uh, Portugal's jerseys.

I think everybody should just go back to like the 90s style. where it's just like kind of big, kind of shit everywhere, you know what I mean? I do like that too. I think the USA. Like those left, up top left,

boom. And it like continues down to their shorts. Okay. Yeah. Simple boom. There it is. That's hot. That's not.

And the swoosh is popping off. It is nice. Yeah. The crest is cool on the left side. I don't like the crest in the middle. We're always big left side, you know? Looks great on the peck.

Looks great on the peck. The middle, it's just what, it's, The Iron Man? What's going on? Do Wyatt real quick, look up like 1990s USA soccer degree. They slap.

There's like, sure. It looks like you just, they spilled a milkshake on them or some shit. I mean like, oh, that's hard. That is so sexy.

Those stars on the top left? That's so cool. Yeah, exactly. Nah, that's ugly. The first one. That kind of looks like the good ones

we're talking about like these. It's got the Peck USA. I don't think this is a legit. It's got the stars in the stripes. that's what it should be. Yeah, it's like... It says USA 1994 World Cup jersey. Oh, that's hard, dude.

That's hard. Because stars on uniforms are sexy. And we're called the stars and stripes, so that should... We're not utilizing our... Like, dude, put some stars right here and call it a fucking day, dude. Oh, yeah.

Would they know who you are, man? They know they don't have to put USA on that shit. Like, would they know... Some gold, huh? Bro, look at that guy. Look at that guy's hedge... That's... Fire. Wow. Who's who is fucking with that guy. Nobody. Hey, please be the goalie.

Wow. Somebody said the horrifying true story of the ugliest jersey is an American soccer history. The ones we're talking about. You guys are crazy. These ones are the ones right here. Nah, those are ugly. Oh, the ones you're looking at are trash. No. You're way off. You're way off. Look at these. No. No. Too many lines. Oh my God. What is that? Yeah, that's great. Bro. The stars across it. If the USA team came out and like we're, we're wearing the 94 World Cup throwback uniforms for this Olympics or whatever the fuck, those would be flying off the shelves.

Oh yeah. Because they're like kind of ugly, but like that's what's in. It's vintage shit. Big. That's what I'm saying. Give me the big stars, some stripes, some shit all over it. That's insane. But throw a little gold in there.

And they're like denim. What's it with the gold? Gold's a nice little accent. You can just throw into anything. And it works. On to America? I mean like gold. metal type shit, you know, like if it works.

Like the Falcons, you know, they do their throwback uniforms and they have the red helmets. And for some reason, there's two little gold stripes in there. And you're like, that is sexy. They wore those against the Steelers last week. God damn, this makes so much sense. You can throw gold in anything and it works. Maybe if they got that, like, I see what you're saying on those. That's how NBA teams in, like, NFL, well, mostly just NBA teams and maybe majorly

baseball. If you win the finals or you win the World Series. They always come out with the next year. They have a uniform that has like the gold trim and everything. It's amazing how good those look. But USA would need to win gold. Win gold and then throw some gold in there. I think he can just kind of do it anyway.

Michael. I don't know. We don't need to get too far into this. Uniform podcast. Jersey guys. I will die. Dude, if I have a uniform podcast one day, why not add it to the list?

Sure. Jesus Christ. I have 17,000 podcasts a week. Just do a segment, yeah. Uniforms. There would be a segment. Anyways. These guys. These guys.

TG 12. 12. TG12. Struck, stroke alert. It's hard. It's hard to intro and wrap up a podcast. If you don't have a stroke, bro. Salute. YouTube, these guys.

Subscribe every week. New show Tuesdays. Follow us Apple Podcast, Spotify, wherever you get your pods. be, I hate the phrase, but just, just share it with people, you know, just soon to the homies, these guys have some fun. And, uh, yeah, Detroit coming up soon. Get your tickets.

Get your merch, benedictmerch.com. Get your merch in Joey's bio. Yep. And, uh, we'll see you next week.