THESE GUYS! - Ben & Joey are going 2 Jail

Episode Date: April 18, 2023

This week the burpy boys talk about getting kicked out of church (and brett favre)🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 Tampa, FL 4/27 https://improvtampa.com/ShowDetails/d8ced7f0-fb31-41ba-86c6-14ef820cde86/86796be0-6fce-4955-94fc-cf1047b171ae/Benedict_Polizzi/Tampa_ImprovBoston, MA 5/4 https://wl.seetickets.us/event/Benedict-Polizzi-800pm/532615?afflky=LaughBoston🎟 𝗔 𝗡𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗧 𝗪𝗜𝗧𝗛 𝗝𝗢𝗘𝗬 𝗠𝗨𝗟𝗜𝗡𝗔𝗥𝗢Indianapolis, IN 5/25 https://thevogue.com/events/an-evening-with-joey-mulinaro-friends-may-25-2023🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://youtu.be/xxQ75QbyHHY🧢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗦𝗘 𝗚𝗨𝗬𝗦! 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/products/unisex-premium-sweatshirt-1

It's like a sixth sense power that parents have to just know when the worst possible time is for you to be in church or want to go to church. That's when they're like, we got to go to church. This is important. We got to go and you're going. These guys episode 30. Dirty 30. You guys want to get a dirty 30? Get a 30 rack.

How about to get the 30 dirty rack? That's a lot of cans. It is. I'm thinking about the clean. lean up more than the actual beer. I'm like, that's a whole trash bag. Yeah, but it's like a sense of accomplishment when that goes down. We just crush a 30 rack.

The most beer I can have is like four, bro. Yeah. After four beers, I'm like, oh, dude. Yeah, TG 30. Big time,

big time. Hey, Tampa, Florida. I'm doing stand up in your city. Next Thursday, April 27th. And then the next next. the next Thursday after that, Boston. See you there. Get all the tickets at Benedictpolice.com or in the description of this podcast. And then a few Thursdays after that at the Vogue, me, some friends,

going to be a party, going to have some music, going to be some comedy, going to be some conversations at the Vogue. A night with Joey Molinearrow. Tickets also available in the description and the bio wherever you follow me or at the Vogue.com. Come on out. Let's get this party started. Get your tickies girlies. And we're also on YouTube. You're watching us on YouTube right now. And last week we had some good,

see what we did last week is we were like, hey, when you follow the show, when you follow the show on Amazon. No, not on Amazon. I almost had two strokes earlier. Actually, I've been stroking out of this whole podcast. Let's keep it rolling. Uh, Apple, not Apple music.

Strug meter times two. Uh, Apple podcast. Spotify Stitcher. We saw some stitcher of it, but we said, hey, go and leave a little kissy in the, in the, in the, uh, reviews. And there were some kissy faces in there. Thank God, dude, dude. We appreciate it. Only thing I live for. Hey, uh, live for the kiss. You kiss us and we'll kiss you back. Do do, do do do. Do you know that song? Hell no. What was that? I thought you just made it up. No, it's, well, I added us instead of kiss me and I'll kiss you back. Digital Underground. Okay. You would probably hate it because you don't like old school hip hop. That is so annoying. Shut the fuck off. Every time I hear an old hip-hop song, I'm like, next channel. Dude, it's a great. Yeah, bab-b-b-d-d-d-dab-dab-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bb-bbbbb.

I'm like, okay, driving in silence. That's Will Smith, all right? Digital Underground's different. Every hip-up song, dude. Digital Underground's different, dude. I'm going to play a little bit on my phone because we can't do it on YouTube because you know how that goes. I only listen to Drake. bro. Drake AI.

Oh yeah, yeah. How about that Drake AI? Drake AI song that came out. Don't know what you're talking about. It's way better than every Drake song. Yep. Kiss me and I'll kiss you back. Put that in the review this week.

You're going to leave a review? Put that. Kiss me and I'll kiss you back. Or hip hop. Old school hip. Just old school hip hop. Turn it right to FM radio. Everybody who,

anybody who like finds our show looks at the reviews. They're like, Brett Fav, burpy boy and old, what? The reviews are just that. Where do I listen?

They're like, on Stitcher, you idiot? The only place these guys have podcasts. Hey, do your taxes? Holy shit,

dude. No. Yeah, me either. Thank God. Yes. Yes. Yes.

These guys, I've never been so happy. These guys go to jail. I would kiss you right now. Yes, I can't wait to go to jail. I would love to go to jail for that. Me and you have the same fucking bunk. Oh, that'd be the best of sale?

Us in jail, bro. Hey, what are we eating today? Same thing? The whole time we're in the jail cell, you're on the top buck, I'm on the bottom bunk, and we're just fucking naming random college football players.

Oh, that'd be so sick, dude. Wayne Krabet, somebody in a jail cell down there like, oh shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Where's he from, though? Wow. I've never... See, Wayne Krabet is a guy that just

literally just popped up in the NFL. I know. He was like the first little white guy. That was like, whoa. I think Steve Largent was white and little, but that's... He was the first guy that I was like, maybe I could play in the NFL.

Yeah. But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Wayne Krobet. I got a good one for you. I got a good one for you. I got a good one for you. We won't play this for long 30 minutes later. Hey. Hey, the people.

in their car would literally, they'd be screaming at their fucking fun. We could play this game the whole time. I don't think anyone would have a problem with it. As long as you're listening on Stitcher. Oz Hakim. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. There's no way, dude. It's the most, it's the most Oz Hakim college ever.

Iowa State. San Diego State. That's just because I just got done watching Rams 2000 highlights. Rams in the 2000s, dude. Greatest show. Greatest show. If we were like doing a podcast or, on the radio back then.

Greta shot on turf. Ricky Perel. That weird catch. That weird catch that he made against the Bancers. No, it was against the Bucks. Wait, was he on the Panthers though? Yeah, he was on the Panthers. For their other Super Bowl run.

Ricky Proll. Like Jake Delome and Steve Smith and Danny Manning. Oh, wait, no, I think he was on the Bears. Who's a running back, though? There was a running back, though. That wasn't DeAngelo Williams somehow. But it was a guy like that, though. He did this when he scored in the Super Bowl.

Yes. So hard. Oh, God. I was like they can do. Why hasn't everyone been celebrating like that when they score? Jump from like the six yard line and just glided into the air. In the Super Bowl? Yeah, that's.

Top top five Selly. Top five Super Bowl celly. That stuck with me. I don't really know. I don't really think there's been a lot of good Super Bowl celebrations. Can you look that up? Panthers running back in 2002. This is like my most, like, searched thing ever.

2003, 2003. Because the Super Bowl was in 2004. Nicole, a nice with the keys. Wow. It's not Stephen Davis. No, no. Stephen Davis was kind of the more like, 20 more rows.

Oh, I didn't think it could get any better. Oh, dude, this is going to, I didn't think, just going to piss me off. He was a nice dude to pick up on like Madden. Wouldn't you need like a backup running back? I just got to, I just got to see it. DeShon Foster.

It was definitely Deshawn Foster. Yeah, it was. I didn't. I wasn't going to say that though at all. He seems to like recent. Deshawn Xavier Foster. What a name. Pick a cooler name. Good God.

Deshaun X. Hey, can you look up where Wayne Krebint went to college real quick? Musi and Mohamed. God dang. CHR. CHR. CHR, yep.

Man, you really. There we go. I think these got. Wait, is he not white? What a dude. Yes, he is. Yes. Hofstra.

That makes so much sense. Wayne Krabbeck at Hofstra with like 18 people at the games. Just always want to call him Wayne Sherbert. So bad. Wayne Sherbert ice cream. Worst ice cream of all time. But would still eat it right now. It's only from Ritters.

Oh, man. I've been going nuts on some concrete mixers recently. Really? Man, the weather's just been nice. And I'm just fucking mixing. it up, dude. You don't want to hear about my cheat day yesterday, bro. I do, yeah. I don't want to hear. I feel bad. I feel so guilty. I don't even, no, you can't. You can't. Well, are you booze hound? No, dude, I was food hound. Right when I woke up. Right, right, right. No, there's got to be a different

bark. There's got to be a different bark. Oh, yeah. That's a wolf. Well, no, I think that makes more sense for food because a wolf when they're like howling like that. I feel like it's at the moon. Because they're trying to mate or they're. I'm trying to mate. with fucking 14 bagels I ate yesterday. Dude, I feel like booze hound is. I feel like that's booze sound. But I feel like dogs are barking, bro. I feel like food is going to be.

Right when Thursday at like 8 p.m. hits. Dude, not even. Food hound. Try tonight at eight. Hey, try tonight at wine p.m. Yeah, dude. After having to do tax bullshit and all that stuff. Oh, God, dude.

You kidding me? I'm down the whole box. Can't wait to go. to jail. Us in jail doing this same shit. Nothing recording, though, just acting like we're recording. We're going to get our chops right. And we get out three years.

Getting our reps, man. We would be killed immediately. Oh, please. Somebody kill me, dude. I'd actually like to go to jail, dude. Because we'd get like so in shape. I thought about that. Is that what it's going to take for me to get in shape?

Yeah, the IRS. Not doing my taxes and going to jail so I can do 6,000 pushups day. I'd be in there with you, man. What are you in for? I'm just with him. I didn't even do anything bad. I just go with you. I'm like, I'm down. Send me to jail so I can do the 50 cent pull up or go. Go. Go. You come down from the ceiling upside down. Send me to jail so I can do the 50 cent pull up from the legs. Oh, dude. It's so hard. We're just eating clean. We're eating clean. I mean, you're not eating. You're not eating that. We're eating good. We're working out. We're writing constantly.

We're getting our reps in with college football teams and names. Sounds like... Sounds like the best time of my life. Sounds like we need to go to jail. It sounds like... It sounds like we're already in jail except that we can just like leave our house. Yeah, we can just go to Target. Because that's what we do.

Pretty much in jail. But that would probably be better for me because I would definitely lose a lot of the neck weight, the old Joey six packs back. Joey six packs back. Six packs back. It's back. Send us in there, man. Not doing that.

Like, just working at like the Liberty Tax Place or whatever. That's insane. You're a turbo tax guy. You did that partnership with them. Right. Big TurboTex, dude. But what do you mean? Just like working there?

I think that's kind of like a local one. I guess just being an accountant. If I'm doing, if I'm working in taxes, I'm going to be the guy outside of the tax building, flipping that sign around. That says like, taxes, get your taxes done this way. And he's a wave into every fucking car. don't you feel like good bad for him you're like damn that sucks but he's having a good time yeah if you're if you're driving in like weather like right now currently when we're recording

it's like 48 spitting rain cold windy you're like damn if you if you drive past that dude he's doing it and this you're thinking that would be real that would be tough but if a couple days ago when it was 82 and sunny not a cloud in the sky boys getting paid though you're exactly you're driving past him you're saying that good He's getting paid to be outside in this nice weather. Those guys dance for like seven hours. Yeah, they got to be in shape. Maybe that's another thing we should do.

Hey, they've been to jail. Hey, if I come. Dream job. Sign flipper. If I come be the Statue of Liberty sign flipper, can I not do my taxes? Maybe that's the deal they're getting. We're not paying you, bro. But you don't have to do your taxes ever.

I'd be like, if I could do two shifts to that a year. A day. And they were like, hey, give me a seven hour shift twice in April. Don't got to do your. taxes. I would... I'd volunteer for another one. Yeah. Just slap a third volunteer on there. I'm there night shift. I'm like, do I'm like, I'll do it like naked with just the hat on. I don't like if you want more pub. I don't care. Throw a beard on me. Let's party. Give me a beard in the Statue of Liberty. Pong things coming out. Who's not getting their taxes down there?

Who's not getting their taxes done there except for me? Because I'm not doing them. Me and you flipping signs outside of an old Rosalind's bakery that? that went out of business. Hey now, man. I need to get a little forearm workout in there, right? All we do is work out. Your wrists and forearms going? All we do is work out all day.

I did finally make it back into the Y today. No, uh, every day. I'm like, I wonder if I'll see him. I still think that. I, uh, this is a,

this is a growth podcast, bro. We're not doing our taxes and we're working out. Uh-huh. First time, it's first time in a while. You know, the boy puts some,

it was, it was, you know, it hinders your workout schedule. I've been feeling it. I'm like, he's going to eat. It's time.

It is. It is. And so, yeah, I was like, I'm doing it. Would you hit? It was light because I haven't been in there for like six months. Yeah. You know? So I did one of those.

I've been seeing it everywhere. The old, uh, crank the treadmill up. Yep. Incline. Walk on it. The 12 incline for 30 minutes and the three or three point two speed or whatever hit that. That I just did some light free weights. And then I hopped in the sauna for like 15 minutes.

And I got to tell you, man, like, I walked out of there and I was sitting at home after I showered and I really like I actually I think for the first time felt in my life that presence of like wow that really felt good for my body whoa like I felt just like good that'll make you go back and will you know I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow I'll be pretty sore but that's all right you know it's a good sore yeah yeah yeah it's like it's like oh I did some shit sore right but some good quality shit because you know you have those times where like if you're out day drinking just getting blacked you wake up the next day drinking just getting blacked you wake up the next day you wake up the next day day and you're like wow I'm sore because I just absolutely destroyed my body because I'm a complete piece of shit yeah yes but you wake up on a Tuesday after going to a solid 45 hour gym session with a sauna on the back end and you walk it out of there with the coffee too I'm like itching to get back so you're gonna be right here with the sweatsuit man he's looking good what times do you go got another deeds bro got another time was that it was you don't have to tell me oh no I was expected no I was like

see because what it was is the old wife she was like hey we should let's start going back to the gym I'm like cool she's like because at the gym we go to there's like a child service thing where you can go and take your kid yeah right and so it's like oh this is perfect you can go in there for like an hour

yeah go in there for an hour or so the people there ready to kids of all ages you know probably not like 14 you know like I think at some point you got to there's a cut up Is there, though?

I don't know. I think I've seen like a 37-year-old kind of like in the adult. Yeah. Adult care. But she was like, I'm just not ready to leave him with a stranger. I'm like, all right, well, do you care if I still go? She's going to go. I was like, cool.

So what about night? Because the plan was he, you know, he's awake and then you feed him, do all the shit, his morning routine. But then about like, he's in a good spot around a certain time because he's slept. He's had the diaper change. Oh, yeah. He's chilling. He's like, I'm cool.

Like I'm like, good spot. Three hours. Probably. Yeah. Probably two were getting to that point. You know, so it's like, all right, let's go right then. He'll be good mood for the people there. It wasn't ready. Anyways, I went, went there for about an hour. It was great. See you tomorrow. Seriously. I turned that corner and I was just like, I'm going to get the hoodie? Am I going to get a hoodie? I'm going to get hoodie. I'm going to get hoodie bin. Are we getting a hoodie more? Oh, I wore a hoodie today. So you got to go hoodie. But I didn't go hood up. I don't go with the hat in the hood up. I didn't go hood up because that's your thing, man. Who gives a shit? It's our thing.

These guys. We wear hoodies. We go to jail. We work out. We don't do our taxes. Join the club. Please. Who doesn't want to be in that?

Hey, get to these guys' hoodies. Benedictmerch. com. Had a stroke. Is that what that little pause was there? No, I added the ass and I thought about how stupid I am. That was the stroke. Yeah, you got the hat.

You got the sweatshirts out there. New merch. It's new. That's fantastic. I'm not even going to show you. Actually, you saw it last episode. but it's just it says these guys real real clean right in the middle you'll like it actually actually this time you will yeah last time last time was kind of like a trial run we didn't know

you didn't know it's kind of like a thing exactly that's not a thing anymore yeah what's uh what's that sponsor there on that jersey Nike oh it's like it's like it's like it's like they're retro, because this is like retro, so they're like, we'll throw the old school Nike swoosh with the script on top. I would rather have the normal swoosh, actually.

No name on the back, right? I'm a big blank back guy. Yeah. And even if there was a name, I'd be like, who the fuck is that? Unless there was like Randy Johnson. Oh, it's a Johnson back here? Yeah, dude. Did he play for the Devil Rise? No, but he played for the diamond bags.

Same shit. Same shit. You should get you a Best, a Diamondback, 2001 Diamondback vest jersey. Does it come with sleep? I don't know if it does, because they wore the t-shirt underneath it. What number would Johnson be? I don't think he'd be like... I mean, 51 ain't bad. I think it's 86, so.

You know? I ever told you how I actually wore 86 when I was 17? What sport? Baseball. That's hard. Dude, yeah, I swear to God. What were you? I was just like...

I guess it doesn't really matter. Yeah, but, yeah, it was right there with the snake with the dinerback on it. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Why did you have to wear 86? Definitely wearing that at the Indiana Land 500 party. Whoops. I mean, hey no.

Spoiler alert. Oh, God, oh God. Jeez. No, dude. That's so sexy, bro. It came to picking uniform time. And I was like, oh, God. like, I don't really want to do that. Oh, God, going

fucking vertical. Yeah, you got to get that. I didn't want to go just like your traditional shit. And I was like, you know what? It was, yeah, my junior year. So the Steelers had just gone to the Super Bowl. Oh my God. And Heinz Ward. Every year of your life. And so I was like, fuck it. Let's do Heinz Ward. Not as cool anymore. The Steelers are involved. I'm just kidding. Shut the heck up. Because I was like won Heinz Ward, but how many 86 baseball players do you see?

Dude, that's real. That's ballsy. just go out on a limb because it's usually like, all baseball numbers are like 22, you know, you're just your normal average basic ass. That's my favorite number. 31. Nah,

man, we throw out of the big, 86. Was anybody else even close? No. What was the highest number? Like maybe 40? Probably like five.

30, 44. You know, there's always a fucking chunker guy who's number 44. Definitely he's named Hank. You're like, all right. You know,

or he's got like a, You know, he's got a nickname of some sort. He's 44. The blob. The bum and blob. Slob. Come on. Come on, Hank.

Hank the handkerchief. Hammer and Hank. Hammer and Hank. Yeah, that guy's not skinny. Anybody named Hammer and Hank, dude, got a little bit of husky in him. Dude, and everybody who was named 44, or everybody who was number 44. Ralph Putsy. That's awesome.

Putsy? Bro, if your nickname's Putsy, just go to jail with us. Every kid who's number 44 was always hefty. Yeah, and they always were like, you know, because they're big, they're like, oh, I'm 44. I like to hit home runs and eat Big Macs. Yeah, and their dad was always the one that was like, come on, heck! Loudest dad of all time, and he was so fat.

Biggest goatee always wore sleeveless shirts. Took took them 20 seconds to get up and go to the concession stand. Had to do like 14 takes. Got stuck in the way. He was one of those that would, he could literally sit down in the lawn chair and then he would get up, you know,

the dick sporting goods joints and he would get up and it would still be stuck to him, dude. That's how he'd be doing one of these. Walking to get a hot dog with a lawn chair on him. Everybody'd be like, oh, Hank, you're dead.

Put relish on mine. Suction cup ass into the butterfly chair. Yeah, it's Hank's dad with the butterfly chair still up his head. Bro. So many coosies in his glove box. Dude,

if it was like a park that you were, dude, if it was a park that was like kind of like big, you know, I had like one of those like 26 fields. Like it was just everywhere. Oh, I hate that.

Dude, Hank's dad be like rocking one of those motorized scooters. Yeah. As a gator. He ain't walking that. No. What diamond we on?

Pulls up and parks right next to the dugout. Oh, yeah, it doesn't go in the bleachers. He's just posted, like maybe in the outfield sometimes. He's like kind of a coach, maybe a little bit. Yeah. Like the coach, he's like, give some good advice. And the coach is like, yeah, actually, Hank's dad's right. It gives good advice to everybody.

Yeah, and he hates the coaches, though. That's a thing. He thinks he can do a better job than the coaches. Yeah. It won for these married coaches. I don't know why it sounds like that, but. Hank's dad's a pain in the ass. Go on 4-4.

What's that? the baseball, you always say one of the baseball ones. That somebody always says. There's so many little baseball like sayings that are so annoying. Can of corn! I actually like that one better than the ones that, you know. I know you got 14 in a clip right now. When everybody's in the dugout and they're trying to get the energy gun,

they're all just, Hey! We got a kid! Go on, kid! We got a kid. Kid, kid. That's it. Let's go, kid.

Humb that kid. Come on, kid. Come on, kid. Hum now. If anybody said that to me and I was playing right now, I would just throw my bat at their head. Good eye, kid.

Hum now? Good eye is so funny to me. Dude, Hank's dad is definitely saying, Hum now four, four. What's a hum now, man? I don't fuck. It's just one of those stupid baseball things, dude. Hum now.

What language, dude. And we got ice. We got ice. The one that you would probably enjoy, though, that is pretty good is like when there's a, we got ice. What's that for? You know, like if there's a pitch that comes like really close to them, like almost hits them. You know, you're like, wear it, wear it. We got ice.

Like, get hit by it. Where it? And then we got ice. It's like, hey, you know, we might bruise, but we got ice. It's all good. Oh, my God. I hate baseball even more. Oh, my God.

No, no, you like. So annoying. You'll like this one now, I think. It's like when the- Base on balls! Look at all this shit. When there's a runner on first, right? And when, you know, you got a runner on first and the pitcher does a pickoff move.

And like, if he, sometimes a pitcher will do a pickoff move and it's just kind of, you know, to keep them honest, right? Or to break up the, the, the, the, the-hers. Like, trying to steal. Right. And so sometimes they won't do like a good one to actually try to pick them off. Sometimes they'll just, you know, either step off or they'll like do kind of a, just a soft little toss over there and like

sometimes a pitcher will do that kind of a bullshit one and it'll be like a pause and then one of the kids and the dugout Hank's dad or one of the kids in the dugout will just go best

like that's the best that's his best move you know oh that would kill me back and then there's a pause and the pitcher gets the ball back

best oh that's cold bro ice cold Hussah Muff I mean these are just Out in order

Oh these are just They're not even I mean these are just like Terms for These aren't like Say baseball slang Translator Your next video

See but the problem About doing baseball videos Is that we all know That baseball players Always the shitty ones Like the ones who aren't good But we're good enough to play like D3 baseball You know

They take himself They take themselves so seriously. And so it's like they get, they get really offended if you, you know, make a video about it or if you say some shit

and then they're like, yeah, yeah, has anybody ever actually come in the dugouts and say, it's more like, he doesn't have the VLO. No, dude, I'm like, dude, fucking shut up.

That means definitely do the video then. Yeah. Got an old Uncle Charlie all riled up in the comments. Bro, I don't know how you didn't. Like, you would be, you would be so good with baseball

if you were just, like the kid who never played and you can just sit in the dugout and fuck around. I should have played baseball. Because you're just going to realize this shit. All it is is just time to fuck around.

That should have been my sport. The thing that you, you know, like, you should have been like a pitcher only, right? So you're only, if you're starting,

you're only throwing every, oh, that's the life. Whatever. Yeah, I'm a pitcher, so I play three games a year. Right,

exactly. Or even better if you're a relief pitcher, you might come in for like, three pitches. They have that in high school? More like it, you're getting there. Not in Little League really,

but like if you're in high school, there's definitely guys I played with that were like, they would be either like a starting pitcher and they would only pitch like every fourth game maybe. They even have to go to practice? Yeah. The shag, your shagging fly balls during BP.

Kid me. You run to the foul pole like in between innings just to like get away from the coach but still like fuck around. Make it look like you're doing something. You're just fucking jogging to the foul pole. pulling back. Yeah, you go back. The only shitty part about being one of those is that like you're, you bear the brunt from the coach. Like if the coach is pissed because of the way that things are going in the game, he's going to unleash it on you guys. But then you don't care. It says it. It's pretty

much like the kickers on a football team. They're just like doing nothing on practice. They're like trying to throw the ball in a fucking bucket. Yeah. For two and a half hours. But it's like, you know, the kicker misses the field goal. They fucked up. the game. Yeah, yeah. It's all on them. I get it. It should have been my sport though. Oh, yeah, because there's so much time. Dude, it's just like you had four or five guys and you're just like sitting there along the fence like on the other side of the dugout from where the coach or the manager is, you know? Those guys look like they're having the most fun ever. So much fun. All they do. Dude, all I do, you just try to, you know, you got gum, you got fucking seeds.

So many snacks in baseball. You're saying stupid shit. Like you got tobacco maybe if you want some of that. Like, you know, you're hiding it because the coach is going to get shitty if you have. Even the coach has it in his back pocket in the ring, you can see it. You know, so you just got to be, you got to know your time, you know, is the coach. You can go a little bit where you're kind of fucking around, but you got to reel it in for a little bit, you know, because every of a sudden you start getting those. Hey! Yeah, getting those looks.

Like your parents in church growing up? Man, don't let my mom look at me in church growing up. I'm done for it. God, you'd be the worst kid to take to church. I really was. You'd be the worst person now to take to church. I should be, I should go to jail when I'm in church. There's been like two times in church where I'm like, they should kick me out.

Has anybody ever been kicked out of church? That should have been one Easter, bro. I was like, I'm acting up right now. What are you doing when you're acting up, bro? I was just like making vines and shit. Like, dude, I did not care. I was like low-key drunk still from the night before. You know what I mean?

Like I might have pulled the all-nighter. The holiest day of the year. Yeah. Actually, I don't know. I think Good Friday is. I'm not really fucking sure. Dude, I was just up doing nothing. My dad texts me.

It was like, I'll be there in 10 minutes for church. I was like, holy shit, dude. Let me bong four beers real quick. I'll be out there. Oh, my God. Man, parents are never more serious about anything more than they are about going to church on like the worst possible times. Like,

uh, it's like a, it's like a sixth sense power that parents have to just know when the worst possible time is for, you to be in church or want to go to church, that's when they're like, we got to go to church. This is important. We got to go and you're going. It's like there's no wiggle room either. It's like right now. When's my son the drunkest? All right, we're leaving in 10. And the most bullshit thing about it, at least like with my mom, sorry mom, is that like every Sunday that she's just like,

I'm just kind of tired. It doesn't want to go to church. She doesn't have to fucking go. But then the night that she knows that I was, you know, over at my friends, they're probably drunk as shit, 4 a.m. then it's just like we are going to church and you're going to be there and we're going to be in the front row and we're not fucking leaving after communion and you're going to say the fucking nicene creed in front of everybody like the whole thing. Nicene creed the alternate jerseys of prayers right there. Nice scene bro. Bro and the whole time they're just looking at you with those judgy eyes just knowing. Your eyes are just bludged up. I'm like you haven't been to church for five weeks. Yeah you're counting. Sorry mom. She's definitely going to text me after

I would be terrified of your mom. I'd be terrified of your mom. church. My mom always, I know this answer already, but I just got to ask, did your parents sing? Dude, I would have got roasted if I would have tried to sing. My mom would have been like, wow, bro, somebody's a singer in the family now. Like, it would have just been so. And I could just see your dad doing one of these. Yeah. Hey, hey, let's get out of here live, all right? Let's get out of your life. My dad went to the church that they didn't have songs, so there was no opportunity to sing. My dad went to church at 4.59 a.m. They said the Our father and dipped. They just let him do the mass. Meat and potatoes. All right. Father, Father P. They just put up a PowerPoint. Homily.

Our father. We're kneeling now. We're getting the bread and wine. We're out of this bitch. Father P. Come on. Let's go. Father Joe. You don't want to sing. All right. You do the mess. It's all good. It's early enough. God understands. You get to You get to see But I respect that though Because my mom She does a shit

Like where she feels like She's being judged If she's not singing But she's not really singing Because she just has the book out in front of her Nice And she's like She's doing one of these

You know she's doing them That's good though And she's looking around Make sure people see that She's like got the book And it's like moving her mouth I'm like I'm like doing one of the

I'm like come on Is she even audible though Or is she just mouthing That's what I'm saying It's like But she's not audible, but she's not mouthing. She's just like... Just in between.

That was me in music class. I'm like, if you're going to do it, do it. Own it. Now when I go to church, man, I'm fucking... Oh, dude. I got the gather book and I'm straight. Oh, God is an awesome. God he rains.

There are some heaters I would get into like at school mass. Not with my parents on the weekend. I was too scared to sing it from. my parents. But in front of the boys, yo. Yeah. I'd hit some, uh, isn't it weird how, church bangers? Isn't it weird how like embarrassed you were to sing about that shit? Yeah, that was the most embarrassing thing ever for some reason.

But then like some girls could straight rip in like your, in like the play school play. Oh, yeah. Girls would be out there just like with a solo. I'm like how you're a superstar. Yep. just singing for 45 minutes it felt like during the Wizard of Oz play i'd be like she's still going and hank's dad would always leave the play and just be like man that la rosa girl she is just so talented just like she's telling everybody the next day at practice we had hank's play last night and he was just an extra but there one of his girl one of his classmates is just so talented we're going to see her on American Idol.

And you're like, she's good, but like, come on. It was amazing. Taste and see. The goodness of the motherfuckin fucking lawyer. I got in trouble in church for singing like that one time. They were like, sing. And I was like, oh, okay, bitch.

So I just went off for like a whole song. And it was like, It was like a lot and I should have been in trouble. But I was like, you know what? Fuck it. I'll sing if you want me to sing. Yeah, that's smart ass sing. Okay, fine.

Oh, I was singing. You're like, you're being such a jackass. Come on. I know. You want to be singing. Should have been kicked out of church. That's for sure. I'm not going to allow.

I'll throw on a little mass, a little church banger. A little church playlist every now and then. Stitcher's church playlist. Power Hour church. songs. Oh, I'd get so drunk. Are you kidding me? Why can you, or not why, I'm sorry. Nicole, can you see if, uh, top 10 church bangers type it in either that, yeah, do that and then, and then afterwards see if it exists. I know it has to. A church song power hour. Church Catholic bangers. A definitive ranking. Oh, this is, this is a gym for Reddit.

Here I am. Lord. Yeah. Is it? Did we all have the same church songs? This little light of mine. Seems kind of nursery rhymy. Yeah, nursery rhymy in like Sunday school, like Bible school. Never went. Oh, how great thou art. That will fucking make you cry.

That'll bring the house down. Did you ever go like with the church group? You know, like during. It'd be like the kids always go. It's always too scared. I was like, what are they like? I never understood. I was like, what are they doing in there?

Are they reading? Are they reading? Is someone telling them a story? What the hell is going on? I've done a Philly fake out for one of those. Oh, you went with? And they just,

no, I just went to the bathroom. Like, not telling my parents or anything. They're like, all right, well, the children of the youth

or whatever the fuck will go to this room. And I've, I went. And everybody was like, he's going? Like, my parents and sisters are,

dude, he's going? Like, they're like, what are you doing? Come out. I just went to the bathroom. Like,

for like, just chilled for like 13 minutes in the bathroom. Just fucking doing the blow jarred Then I got in so much trouble What'd you guys do Then I had to make up some shit And they knew I was lying

Right Because they kind of listened to the reading You know Wait a second Where was it from? What a steal it was going to the bathroom During church Colossians

It wasn't from Paul Colossians Dude I got to tell you I have a singing priest What do you mean? Like you know When the priest sings everything They could just say

The Lord me with you oh my like dude bro he sings he sings the Our father damn

right that's kind of that's way too much I'm like I'm really gonna have to go to 8 a.m. Mass on Sundays in the fall because if I go to 10.30

you think you think he just does that all the time? Yeah. He's like at the deli and he's like oh take him. I just want to I'm like dude what

I mean, come on. Singing, I mean, like, I guess I can see the, the Lord be with you. Like, that's not bad. But our father, I hate, I hate a singing priest. I mean,

I was like, dude, who do you think you are? Hey, like, I know it's important. It's not that important. It's not important at all.

Jesus Christ, let the guy in the piano sing, bro. Stay in your lane, father. Give us the facts. Right. Like,

next thing I know, he's going to come out there. He's going to do the, homily and he's going to fucking sing the whole thing. That guy can't wait for somebody to stick out their tongue at communion. You know, you ever get one of those weirdos? Got a finger in the fuck out of you.

Amen. Throw up all over the ground. What? What? I was holding Frank. I was going up last week or I don't remember, but recently I was going up for communion. I was holding Frank.

And so, you know, I'll have like one hand. There's been a lot of plates here. This person, they wanted to do the mouth thing, but I ain't doing that. I might. Just switch it up. Switch up the flow. Because thank Frank, like he'll like reach, you know, he's, he's reaching for everything now.

So then it's like a weird thing. So I was like, no, I just, I was like, I got just give it to me in the one hand. I went like this and I think I, I, I slap. Yeah, I went like this and I think honestly just went. Wow. like it was a handful of combos in the car. I mean, how, what are we going to do? I can try to flick it between my, you know, fingers and have it fall into the ground.

I've been, I've been the guy that drops the community before. I've dropped the community. I got, I got roasted me too. Might have been same day, me and you back to back. No, you were in high school already because I remember I was six, sixth grade. For some reason, we had to go in the line where it's right in front of all the eighth graders and everything, right in front of the whole church. How about that?

How bad are you getting roasted walking up to community? me union. Oh, yeah. I think I just now have gotten over. Like, I don't care. I was walking down the middle aisle of a plane the other day. I was like, I'm just fucking, I'm toast, bro. Tough.

Just slaughter. Everybody just looking you up and down. I'm like, what? Yeah. What 12C? Hey, you know what you got to do? You just got to pick a point in the back of the, back of the plane. And you just got lock in on that and just let everything bounce right off you.

But I, yeah, I think I just, I, I, I think I just, I, I was thinking about that honestly because I was like when I was walking up to get communion recently, I was thinking about, I think it was one of those days where the school where the kids were going. Like I went during the week and so the kids were there for the school. And it made me think. I was like, that walk was so traumatizing every week. Just on the runway. Church runway.

Going up to get it and then coming back down. It was like, you're sweating. And then you're like, oh, fuck, am I sweating? And then you're sweating even more. Don't trip. Don't trip. Don't trip. Don't sweat.

There's a lot of little things. Don't have your hair fucked up. Your shoes, dude. That's what everybody's looking at is your shoes looking down. Kneeling. I'm looking at everybody's shoes. Loser.

Loser. Loser. Oh, damn, we got new shoes. Oh, my God, dude. I'm going to cheat off you in English. Loser. Oh, he got those? Birthday?

He's definitely on the 18th. You know? But I was just thinking about it. I was like, wow, that. And I was like, now, I'm saying, I'm just walking. I'm just getting my community and going back. He's over it. It's done. Thank God. Finally, it took me to almost be 30 years old. 30 years old. Whole life of Catholic school, Catholic education took me to 30. I would still think, I still think about tripping, you know, or my kneel buckle or some shit.

And I'll be like, whoa. And then you got to buckle the other one just to make sure it's like even. Yeah, but even then, you're just kind of like, you just roll with it. At that point, you're like, you know, you get a laugh or something. You know. That communion line is different, bro. And then you're like walking and there's like there's like two lines going up in the middle. And the person you're walking next to it's like, is she my girlfriend now? You know, you're like, are we dating? Because we say, oh, how about the girl that you held hands with in church?

You get her like two weeks in a row. You're like, hey, guess what? Yep. You're my girlfriend now. The coldest, sweaty as hand. The old church boner coming in. Never been more nervous in my life to hold somebody's hand. Oh, am I going to sit by?

I got to time it up. So I'm not sitting by that. ugliest person ever. Thank. Thank God that, I mean, this is going to sound horrible on the surface, please say it. But thank God COVID happened because now we don't have to hold people's hands that are in our father. You just hold, you, it should have been like this always, but back then you had to hold everyone's hand. I was always, man, that's good on you, man. But now you just hold who you want to's hand, right? So I hold my mom and my wife. That's it.

You just judge by what they look like. If I'm on the end or I'm in the middle and there's a family next to me and they know, but they know. And you're like, COVID and you're good. I before COVID, I was like, bro, you look kind of suss. I'm not going to lie. How do you go about that though? Because you know somebody who's sticking out the hand. I'm good, dog.

Hey, you do that. I'm not going to hold your hand, but I'll, but I'll like. Yeah, no, I'll do one of these. Like I'll scoot a little farther apart and do like, I can't reach. I'll pull that move, dude. As if you could have just scoot down a little bit. Hey, my family's over here. I'm not holding hands with them either, but I can't reach for you, dog.

Man, it used to be so bad for me a little bit when it was like awkward puberty stage and like your hands are just, I mean, horrible, right? Just like. Dripping? Dripping. I would like excuse myself and like try to timing out to where I'd go to the bathroom during the Our Father. That's gangster. You were really on that? Yeah.

Just, I mean, sometimes just because I was like. Every other. I would feel bad about it because I'd be like, damn, this is like our father. It's like an important thing. I don't want to, you know, it's always fun having, you know, peace be with you. That's always a good little. That's lit. Right.

And it's similar to what we're, because then it comes to the, you take away the sin. And you're like, we're fucking getting ready for breakfast, dog. Yeah. That's like a good moment. Peace be with you. But the sweaty hand of the Our Father is really tough. I think that's why they invented peace. Like we need to have a little celebration after that awkward shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But even, even peace be with you. now it's like man you used to you know before 2020 you would turn around you be dapping up the boys you peace oh man good to see you peace on Christmas though going across the aisle to see somebody hey yeah peace be with you good deal I love chucking up the deuce your boy that's in like the front way out there weird class I don't know why you guys are sitting up there but what's up and he looks back and acknowledges you're really that's a piece be with you right there that's my homie baby boy times three um but yeah when they do that but now you go

I mean, I mean, maybe the person you're there with. If you're at church alone now and it's time for peace, you ain't getting any. No. Shouldn't either. Shouldn't expect any. Bro, people like, I mean, they'll straight up just look at you and just fucking look away. Yeah. Maybe a nod.

Maybe. To like some kids' dad you might know. But, you know, and you still kind of have like the older people who like they want to still give everybody peace. So it's like maybe you get one out of that guy because they're just like, yeah, absolutely. But other than that, see you, dude. You're on your own. You're just standing there

weirdly watching everybody else and we're just waiting for the, you take away the sins of the world. Okay, finally. One time I was acting like such a dick in church, I went to shake a guy's hand for peace. And he goes like this, he goes,

I swear, dude. I swear. Like, I was making my mom laugh and shit in church. And she was like in, she was like, okay, be quiet, but that was kind of funny. So I was like, oh, I'm like in the game. now. Like, I'm not getting in trouble in church.

Finally. And the guy behind me was not digging it. And I went to piece them up and he just goes, I was like, oh shit. I felt so bad, dude. I thought when you started that saying that you were being a dick, I thought you were about to say that you reached out and somebody reached for you and they fucking pulled it away. Oh, that would be so funny. Not you look gross. Ha! That's so stupid. Pulled away a piece, dude. Oh, if you shook somebody on a piece, that's so disrespectful in church. Dude, I hate, I hate

when people would just say, peace, peace, peace. I'm like, the fuck, peace me with you. I always just went with like, I wouldn't even say P-E-A, I just go, I swear to God, dude. I swear.

You're full of shit. Promise. Why? On everything, because I hated that so much that it turned into that. Because like, I, like, some lady next to me was just like, and I was like, this bitch a snake.

So I just go, So I just started to do it. It was like a game I played every time. Here, give me some. Give me a little limp and Joe. Come on, dog. Bring it in.

Lip and Joe. That's all you can hear anyways. No way, dude. And then I slither right out, dude. I swear to God, dude. Dude, I'm full on. If I'm committing to the peace be with you, I'm going in.

I'm fucking giving you a handshake. I'm looking you in your eyes. Peace. Peace be with you. you, a smile, a shake. You complete the set. You put a period. I do peace be with you, man. None of this fucking.

Peace, me, peace. It's like, what are we fucking eight years old? We should talk about church. We haven't talked about church yet. Shine Jesus shine. I got to fix this. Oh, that sounded good. This is a little catty wampus. Yeah, that's a pretty good one.

Shine Jesus shine. There's one that I'm, I can't think of. And it's killing me. I can't nail it down Oh my god Church though you know Who's going All right

Yeah you give See our God's a little So played Our God is so played God is like yeah Fuck that song The song has been been done with Nah

It's the one that you can sing in Spanish too. You know that there's a banger, there's a banger church song and like part of the chorus is in Spanish. I think you're thinking of the one that's actually, it's like an African. Okay. Yeah. Maybe.

See a hamba, Cucan yin yinni quenco. Oh, that's it. That's it. That's it. I think. Or there's another one. See a hamba. Ooh, see a hamba cook and yinni quenko. It's a banger. Kuken yeni. Just type in

Kukeniani quickos. your best shot. It kind of it reminds, it always made me hungry hearing that. Cuckianney Quikos. I'd be like, what's for lunch? You know? It kind of sounds like a Girl Scout cookie or something. Hey dude, if Ave Maria's playing though,

crying, yeah, you better shut up. You're crying. And yeah, if you're not crying, you better not be talking because then you will be crying because that means... Sears shit's going down. This can't be it. It is.

Because we are... We are marching in the light of God We are marching in the light of God Turn it off, turn it off And then see a hamba, that And then it goes into Eagles wings, Giles' Wings Gels Hard, Taste and Sea

Eagles wings is when somebody died though Someone was like, yeah but it's still good It's like, all right It's not a happy song It's a beautiful song Nice You know Was never the guy

That was like reading in church, though. Oh, I'm that way now. Like, front, like you're reading the gospel as they go along with it? Yeah. But I meant like when you're, like, it was time for your class to like do mass. Oh, yeah. And they're like, we need three readers. I'd be like, I got rid of the bathroom.

Yeah, it's tough, man. I'll ruin this whole thing. Would you rather, would you rather be a reader or would you rather bring up the gifts? Oh, I was a gift guy. Really? But that, I mean, that's show. That's shut time. You're going.

I'm ready, bro. Everybody's looking at you. me the bread put me in the middle dude give me two of my homies right and left let's roll down the aisle whenever i whenever i got stuck with doing the gifts it was always with like the chick that it was like a real teacher's pet brown nose bitch yeah so you know i would do like one wrong thing and she'd start like right their eyes and shit kind of like laughing be like you're such an idiot you're such an idiot just give me the basket i don't know who's paying attention it was always like two of my friends that like weren't really my friends but kind of my friends your school friends school friends

they weren't like like see what would happen when you like when we would do the gifts right is like I would always forget the cue of like when you know they'd be like okay when when father sits after this reading that's when you guys go and then I I would never then I'd be counting on you to know it right so I'm out but that's where teacher's pet girl she would of course she knows she's so she's like on her game I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah, I never knew the little commands and shit. I had like four false starts bringing up the gifts. Not yet.

Oh, shit, sorry. Not yet. Oh, shit. Sorry. Not yet. Oh, shit. Sorry. Not yet. Oh, shit. Sorry. Literally. Shirts untucked. Shit staying on your pants. Oh, no. Shirts untucked. So you're, everybody's looking at you, which sucks.

But then you're getting fucking filed for a shirt on top. tuck checkmark or whatever. Suspended. Dang, man. Grass stain all over your fucking knee. Yeah,

imagine the pressure for that teacher that one is like their week for their class to do mass. All the kids have to know when they're going. You have to rely on

all these little fucking idiots to do it. So like the principal and the priest doesn't think that you're you know, a competent. You gotta have your shit together.

And there'd always be that class that was like super stacked at the beginning of the year. You know, there's like three classes in your grade and one class had like all the, it was like a party class. I was never in the fucking party class.

I was always like, whose parents slipped them money to get this all together? Right. I was like, do you guys not know that those three are best friends? And all the hot girls are in that class? Fuck you guys. Let me just be in this quiet little pretend class. You're right. You had no cute girls in your

class. You had one maybe school friend that you're like, I guess I got a fucking be friends with Johnny. We're going to be doing a lot of projects together, dog. Jesus, man. And then the other, I'm just like, you guys are loud all the time. I can hear you down the classroom having fun. God.

Horrible. How did they string that together? Somebody was slipping money under the table or something, dude. The Miami heat of classes. Somebody was somebody, somebody's dad, you know, lit teacher. Ran into the teacher at like Schneider's pub. And those was just like, hey, we're going to get this done and then just like slid them.

I really think it's a $500 check. And as unfortunate as it is, you know, for grade school teacher, $500. I mean, come on. That's like pain for the whole classroom. You're taking that. That's babysitters for like four months. Not even. It's like you're paying for your classroom.

Like all the cool shit. All of a sudden they're going to have a cool poster, you know. Yeah, their classrooms. Like a got milk Brett Farr poster. Thank God. You're like fucking Carson's dead. gave him $500. Fuck.

Yeah. They have like a lit teacher too. Like you go to deliver mail to their classroom and you open the door and the heat kind of gets you. It smells like they're having a good time. Because you guys aren't doing shit in here. You know? Their schedule like they have PE like on Friday like real like at a perfect time. Their teacher kind of their teacher kind of like roast you a little bit when you bring something over.

Jesus Christ. I was walking into a frat house. Mrs. Schmidt. let me go back to my quiet classroom where I can learn. Hey, this is called school, not fun, okay? Jesus Christ. What you guys make out somewhere else? Talk about the Mayfest later.

Jesus. But the second, dude, the second, like, there's some sort of collaborative effort and you get a chance to be around that class, you're in there 100%. What do you mean? You always felt like, do they want me?

Right. But at the same time, you want nothing more than just like, be a part of that class. No matter how much you were like trying to make your own thing happen. You're like, I'll never be fucking Mr. Kidwell's class. Oh.

Right. It's so true. It'll never be that. Hey, they can sit wherever they want. Oh my God. How? How?

They're getting away with murder in there. What are you guys drunk to? You're like, you're just thinking you're like, this is literally a waste of a year of my life. Yeah, hey, I can't wait till summer. Oh, yeah, what are you doing all summer? Nothing.

I just want that class to break up. Because they're having way too much fun. Yeah, and I'm not doing anything that's summer because all of them are best friends now and they're all hanging out and they don't even know who I am. They're not calling me. Hell now.

I might not even play football next year. Just because the class is because you feel like a loser. Actually, I might actually go to Perry High School now. I'm not going to the high school everybody's going to. I think I'm going to dye my hair pink, actually. I'm going to go to parry. The girls put out there more.

I think you can smoke weed there. Yeah, you know, the kid we grew up playing baseball with him with the Perry now? He got a blow job when he was like 12. I'm going there, dude. Under the bleachers. When he was like 12. That was some shit you'd hear and be like, damn, dog. Like, that's going on over there.

I'm like, I don't really even, that's crazy. I know. I'm like, that's crazy. You guys are animals. Well, I don't want to do that. I'd rather just watch people do that on the internet. Yeah.

In the comfort of my own home. With three or four of my other friends who aren't in the class that I'm in. Oh my God, dude. And they have inside jokes. It's the inside jokes, bro. You've got to just roll with it. You're like, oh, yeah. No idea.

Yeah, I wasn't in there for that fuck. But yeah, I can imagine. They're just like, God, and you... And he pulled down his pants and he pulled his chair out. You remember that? Oh, you weren't in our class. Never mind. You just bringing it down, man.

Just bringing it down. Can't relate. All right. Well, see you guys in jail. Can't wait for that either. We need a podcast where we just talk about church the whole time. That was, yeah. We're going to, hey, yeah, you're either.

There's going to be listeners out there who they're on the outside of the inside joke because they don't know. Oh, they know. Sorry. TG 30. 30. Thanks guys. Get your tickets in the description. Can't what to see you.

Get some merch. These guys stuff on Benedictmerch.com and... And subscribe to YouTube, man. Keep, you know... Write some reviews. Hit this... Hey, just do it. You press subscribe.

You're in there. It's right there. Every week, the little red dot shows up on these guys. And, you know, I want to ask for much. You know, just to... Just make us popular. That's all we're asking. All right.

Peace be with you. Be with you. But see you guys. He's good.