THESE GUYS! - It's B minus time

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

this week the burpy boys talked about Joey's Alter Boy life🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://youtu.be/xxQ75QbyHHY🧢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗦𝗘 𝗚𝗨𝗬𝗦! 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/products/these-guys-hoodie-1?variant=41218692775993

Johnson and Schmitty, five stars. The Johnson and Schmitty podcast makes me laugh so hard, I cry. Musty and Dusty in the morning. I was at the gym listening and had to stop lifting because I thought I was going to hurt myself. I need more Johnson and Schmitty in my life. Put an apple in my mouth and rust me like a pig. Oh, yeah. Gas him up on a Monday, J.K. Tuesday.

These guys. These guys, 39. You know, you're smelling good, looking hot. What's going on? I got a little gal fouting today. Do you have golf shoes? Yeah, dude, they're Jordans. Damn, that's the only reason I want to golf.

Which ones are they? What color are they? They're black. They're like a high, like, I'll just show you. They're, they're, they're, they're, they're black with red trim, gray. I can't, but they're not like an actual, maybe they are an actual. maybe they are an actual one of the shoe. You got the team Jordan golf shoes.

You just give me some rake. Now all this shit's coming up. Never going to find them. Oh, actually, nope, found him. Right there. Those are hot. A little, a little three. A little cement.

A little cement on the back. Yep, yep. Got the little cement back there. So that's courtesy to our pal. AC. Right, right. It's his golf outing. That's crazy.

early in the week like that. Yeah, I know. And, but, I mean, so I think you would love golf addings like this. Been to one. Like, ones like this, you go, you eat for free all day. Oh, God. I'm pretty sure you drink for free all day. You might have to tip the cart girl.

What kind of food? Usually AC has like deli shit. Oh. Some turkey. roll-ups. Sign me up. Slap my ass, dude. Yeah, with like fruit, you know, then some chip options, some pretzel options. So you eat before and then you play 18 holes and then you eat again? Or is there like, I'm going back to the clubhouse. I would go back every hole. Well, they have, they have like a cart girls going around or cart people. It's all free? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. It might be. I'm so into everything being free. I feel like one year it has been free. One year, maybe not. But then the best part about, well, eight. HAC hooks up. It's literally Christmas in June. Like he you go in, you get like a bag for being there to play. Is it all trash? No, dude. It's amazing stuff. Shut up. Swear to God. It's not like a t-shirt that you'll never wear. Oh no. T-shirt that your girlfriend wears the bed. You're like, fuck. There's some of that in there. There's some of that in there. But the majority of it is like, for example, last year, actually two years ago, I got a suitcase, like a travel size suit. that I still use.

Travis Matthews suitcase. Inside a pair of Jordan golf shoes. The ones that I still wear. Holy. Your size? Every year he's just like, what size you, my man?

And then you're like still 13 AC. And then so it's kind of a seven. It's kind of a surprise. Like two years ago was the Jordan golf shoes. Last year it was like these Travis Matthew casual like gym shoes. Who the hell's Travis Matthew? Dude, he's this men's clothing.

that's fire. And then there was like this long-sleeve thermal, but it wasn't like the cheapy, like old Navy ones. It's like the thick-ass, like, oh, that guy skis in Denver. Yeah, yeah. He has a cabin.

Like it's that kind of, of a thermal. And then he gives you a whole handle of Tito's. Not like little shooters. You literally open it up. There's a whole handle of T-O-Gallon. Of T-Dot's in there. What the fuck kind of golf outing is this? Dude, it's insane.

And then there's like gift certificates, all the best restaurants in indie. Dude, it's wild. I love gift cards, man, but I just... I wish I could have them on my phone. You know? Like, I've got... You probably can.

I probably think now. I know, but like I... Nobody's figured it out yet. Like your parents aren't getting you a mobile gift card for Christmas or a birthday. Oh, but when they do... Yeah. I've gotten one before and I'm like, okay.

That's amazing. We're still doing like hard copy gift cards? Yeah. That's a good point. You got 65 gift cards. I don't know where half of them are. Maybe this Christmas will be the one where we start getting on that train. Digital gift card Christmas?

That's not bad. It's a great adult Christmas. It would be kind of lame because you don't really open anything up. But, but dude, then even on top of that, the best part about golf outings is that at like every hole, there's a tent that's either like St. Elmo's or ice cream or Tito's. Every hole? Every hole. Every hole.

18 tents. No, no, okay. So there's one tent. This is a fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's one tent at every hole. So you get up to the tea box. And then before you're teeing off,

you're like, I'm gonna go over there and get a little sample of Ruth's Chris and a nice cocktail. And then you go and you tee off and then you go do your thing. You're having that at that hole. And then in the next hole,

it's like, oh, this is a teetot. That's sweet. And they're like, you want to drink? And they have like two in their hands. And you're like, yeah, thanks. Shut up. And you're getting ready to do this today. Yep.

it's a party. Are you hype? Oh, couldn't sleep last night. Oh, yeah, that's what it feels like. I tweeted at AC. I was like Christmas in June,

AC. It's in June every year. And it's so fun. Like people like Kevin Bowen are there. Like Chris Ballard randomly shows up. Are you serious? Graham Ray Hall. Yeah,

because like, I wouldn't be surprised, honestly. But, um, yeah, because like AC has like the, you know,

media or like celebrity golfers who then get paired up with, um, like a foursome or whatever. So that's a little bit, you know, I'm a little worried about that situation. Like who you're going to be with?

Yeah. Yeah. A little worried about that because that's, say, that's 18 holes. That's 18 holes and a cart ride for 18 holes

with people that like, well, I guarantee you what I'm going to get. And it's fine. It's part of it, you know. You better expect the word of stuff. You better.

I'm going to have so much fun. Guarantee what I'm going to get is a group of like 54 to 66-year-old men. That already have their own inside jokes. jokes. Already have their own inside jokes and they're going to be like, so you're the one that does the... I don't really know.

I'm not really on there much, but I'm sure my kids would know you. Just say no to everything. I don't have social media. Yeah, so you got some jokes. You would tell some right now on the T-box? AC says you're so funny. Why don't you show us? You're going to have 18 holes just to duck that question?

I know. That's the only thing that I'm like, fuck this could be okay that was me at the golf outing that we went to only i didn't play golf they're just like funny guy huh and i was like yes here we drove the golf cart around for four hours well that's the funny thing is that like this is the first actual golf outing that i'm ever playing in because every golf outing i've been to before i've just done like like you like i just ride around i'm just kind of there like saying hey to people i don't know if i'd ever want to play i'd be super nervous if I were you.

I'd be taking lessons at top golf and shit. I mean, but that's the thing is like everybody sucks at a golf outing anyways. And like usually at a golf outing, you play like best ball. So you just got to get one good shot, you know? And everybody's just like,

yeah, all right, all right, all right. Bupy point at 9 a.m. Whoa. So that's what's going on. And I'm pumped.

But yeah, try to do the little, you know, not too golfy, but cool fit. some cologne i mean i just hopped out of the shower frank had me up at like 4 30 so i was up from like 4 30 to like 7 and i slept for like an hour and then um so yeah i'm a little a little discombobulated but it's good it's good to be tired sometimes you know that tired energy that weird like like when you

when you would when you would be able to have a sleep over at your friend's house like the day the night before the last day of school and like you only have like two or three hours of like school and it's not even really school. Oh, the best day. So you stay up until like literally 5 a.m. And then you have to get up at 6 or 6.30 to start going. Like it's already light out while you're getting some shut-eyed just before you have to turn around and go to school for the last day.

I was not allowed to do that. Dude, you're so like just you look like this. Just the entire time because you're so tired. But then you hit once you're in the car and you're going and like you get to the school and you see like all the festivities and you see the energy you feel it people are dressed down or whatever and you're like oh it's on and you immediately you're not you couldn't be you couldn't be less tired at that point there's no energy like the last day of school energy everybody's hype the smell I'll ever forget the smell just a just a whole I don't know if it's the cleaning supplies

right because you're like cleaning the desks just the most worthless clean job I've ever done my life yeah clean the desk I'm like done done one swipe clean one brand new dude just the random errands how about when the room would finally be cleared out right and there's no desks or chairs and you're just like slide and across it's we could have done anything in here but we decided to learn about fucking geography you have like a dance party and shit you get out there oh shit someone starts to try to break dance you know and they like hit their head. Yeah, they hit their head on the tile.

Get in trouble. Get in trouble for a little bit. Oh, yeah. Right. You just see how long you can't. Yeah, the crazy kid and like, someone's bleeding,

but you don't tell anyone because it's the last day of school. You're like, I don't know if it's count. I don't know if the nurse is here. You're on your own, man. Gushing down.

Yeah, patch that up because nurse Nancy left for the year. She's gone. She's already in Destin, Florida. Nurse is so hit or miss. Like, are they here today?

Are they nice? are they in a good mood? Are they going to be cool with what's going down here? How about how I'm trying to get out of school or no? Man, I could never. But there'd always be some bitch in my class that would go to sleep on the cot all day. Oh, yeah.

Just feeling lightheaded. I'm like, just go home then. Well, you live eight minutes away at most. Just go home. Did you ever try to fake sick to get out of a test? I'd usually just take the hell bro take the bomb I'd go to school and just 46% it and be like I don't know bro I just what I just don't know well I just don't know well then you yeah you least get it out of the way and that's usually what I fell on to but there is one or two times where like I was really panicking so I was like man I got to get out of this and so I would start milking it you know like a period or two before and then like the period before the period where I had to take the test I would go down to the office and be like man I just you know put on the real good Oscar winning acting job. And then some,

I think one, I think I'm 50%. Yeah, I think one time the nurse is like, okay, you just lay right here. I'll let the teacher know. We'll figure it out.

So I'm just lying there with my arms behind my head. I'm like, don't have to take that vocab test. But then one other time, they were like, in what class do you have next? I was like, oh no.

They got real with you? Science. And they were like, oh, does Mrs. Jaffe know that you're now? here and I was like, no. They're like, okay, why don't you just have a glass of water and get back to class? I was like, okay.

Just tussle your hair. You little fucking dumb ass. Here's a 38% mom. Science test got real on your ass. Never done anything harder in my life. And that's, I know that's a really, you know, very privileged thing to say. I'm aware of that. But, um, that's, it checks out.

That shit was just like... The way, the things I had to do to cheat to get just an 82% on a science test. How happy would you be with an 82% bro? Oh, I was rocking it for a while, but I was going, I was doing a lot of sketchy stuff to get that 82. Sure. I was writing down every single answer right here on my thighs. Ooh. And then just...

And then doing a full plank in class, the whole entire test. Taking the test like on your, like, having... seeing if they could get like one of those hard back things, the clipboards, kind of maybe just like sliding back in your chair and trying to take the test like that. Cheater professionals. I swear to God.

And you don't know if they're the right answers though. Zero idea. You're like, what if she has two copies of the test? One's different. Then I just all of a sudden I have all the right answers to the class before me. Like how am I going to explain that? Oh, yeah.

That's obvious. The three different forms. Do you have? A B or C, like the things we had to go through to cheat. I think like middle school teachers, God love them. I think they're just like, just take the test. I think they're like, I don't get paid enough to do three versions. I was getting a three version layout in high school.

High school, maybe. But. But even then they didn't even like check to see if you're cheating. Like we got three forms. Do you have A, B or C? C. Fuck. I have B.

But like we were having that conversation just while the test was going on. Like she didn't even look up. Yeah, teacher was hung over. I went to, went to, uh, McGee's the night before. Magus.

Went to McHus the night before. One shot of tequila for some like nerdy science teacher. Out for the count. Yeah, dude, 82% my God. My parents would like take me to Texas Roadhouse if I got an 83% of science test. I was on that too.

I was on that too. Like one, it was like a hard, hard test for some reason. got like an 86. I was like Jerome Pathan. You know, like every... Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right. It's like whenever you get the... Hines Ward. Whenever you get the number at a restaurant, they're like, okay, and here's your order number. Yeah, if I got 43, I was like, TP! Let's go! It's got to be a good one!

Wait, wait, wait, what at the restaurant? Like, if you're at like Colvers or like a restaurant like that, and they give me the little mark of the number so they can put it on your table. At the table. Yeah. That's so hard, though. Uh-huh. I was hate, yeah, you get like 65.

You're like, ugh, God. The weird unathletic kid who's disjointed. Never mind. His legs look like this. Every lineman. Hey, lineman. Lineman, cover up your legs at all times. Every lineman like this.

Every picture of a football lineman. I'm like, dude. Hey, give me one of these. Just that's it. Like, have you looked at your lower body before? They got to stand like that to balance out their weight, bro. but their legs are so like so D2 legs

Oh man This is every time Dude yeah A B minus on a science test Never been happier in my life Oh the way I would play at recess With a B minus under my belt I mean I would be like

I would be like I'm going to Notre Dame Yeah there's no stopping my career trajectory Oh looks like I'm Hey, I'm going this way. Uh-huh. B-minus? I was shooting for B-minuses.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Still am. Hell, it was even to the point where it was like, if it was a 73, my mom would be like, well, you pass. The 70s are so ugly, man. You got in 78, 79, it's like, that's a low C. Eh.

You got a low C? Couldn't deal with it. I really couldn't deal with it. I'd like, if you're going to give me a 79, give me like a 16. So it's funnier. Like, it's the same shit. shit to me. 79.

And remember they changed the grading scale? So like sometimes 79 like wasn't that bad. You know like an A was like Yeah, yeah. No, I remember. It was like 90 to 100 was an A. It was some weird shit.

Yeah, 90 to 100 is an A. 80 to 90 to B. 70 to 80 was a C. I was like that's a 71's a C. Yeah, I was like, slap my ass. I don't know about that. Yeah.

Who's made in this? Did I make this grading scale? It's like, it's like, you know, if somebody, if a football player put like the hand time on the 40 instead of the electric time. Oh, yeah. It's like, oh, you run a 434 hand time? Okay, so it's a 456 electric.

Cool. Never forget that. I was at the Michigan football camp going into my senior year. It's like a big deal. Yeah, for you. That's like your dream. Yeah. There's like actually like fire prospects there.

I get put in a good group. I'm trying to think. So I would have been 08. So. You would have been like... Remember the Michigan quarterback that was number 98, Gardner? Devin Gardner?

He was there as like a sophomore. Like there were, oh, like, I saw like Sam McGuffie. He was there, like, working out before the camp. I was like, bro, this is insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about like, Dinarid Robinson? Was he there? No.

Sorry, go ahead. There were just some wild, like, who the hell is that guy? Like, people that didn't commit to Michigan, but... When else, right? They're just coming to the camp. And then they hook them up with like, yeah. He probably did go to the States. But there were hand time in 40s.

It was like a big 40 day. So people are like ready. And I'm like, wearing literal underwear and nothing else. Like these dudes look like they're in the Olympics. I was like, I'm not ready. I'm wearing like a wrong collie cut off.

I'm like, let's just fucking do this, bro. My hand. All weird. Hey, me standing like this waiting for my turn. They're like, you have a question. They're like, yeah, from the guy in the back who's probably going D2.

They're like, is that the long snapper? I'm like, all right, let's just chill out here. But, okay, this kid, this kid that's like probably played JV football like one year, just there at the camp probably because his dad was like, yeah, go, just redhead kid that's probably in finance now, making way more money. Just like such a fan of Michigan. Yeah. That's the reason he's there. No one knows. I'm like, is this dude like, he looks like he should be on the rowing team or like, I don't even know.

not even that. Somebody hand timed is 40. 4-2. And it's all these dudes that are like going to like big D1. Like Michigan State. No, somebody just fucked up. Michigan State. USC's looking at them.

Ohio State's got offers from Oregon. They're all at this Michigan camp. Then this fucking redhead kid. What'd you run? 4-2. Just looks rich. Rodriguez in the eyes in Michigan football coach. 4-2.

The way I was losing my shit. 4-2. After running like a 4-9. I was like, fuck you. Yeah, I remember that day. We had our timing day in high school football and all the coaches were doing the handheld. And so, man, that was the fastest group of white Catholic guys you've ever seen. Oh, man.

And we're like, we're kind of a fast team. It's like, four, five, one? It's like, bro, you're running a four, eight seven. Nobody in our high school ran in the fours. That's what I came to. I was like, we're a whole second off. Pulitzer, you ran a four, too? I was like, yeah, bro.

We're playing it. What's good, West Virginia? Call me. We're literally playing a different game, a second behind different game. Now, you're five two. Oh, I was five two all day. Yes, sir. and proud.

That's B minus time. That's B minus in a certain schooling system. It's a hard reality check when it's 40s day. Let's see where we're at. I'm never achieving my dreams. Okay. Hey, how about doing the voices? Right.

Yeah. Let's see where this goes on special teams. Maybe I can make it as the gritty linebacker. Yeah. This guy works hard though, right? Not really. So we got We got some emails

At team these guys at gmail.com A few this week Get to that from Shona Rodin She says Okay so hear me out Yes These guys pint beer glasses

With your cartoon pick on it Thanks for being a funny duo Okay bye Oh that would be fun Pint glass So we're bringing back The cartoon faces thought we were done with that.

I think some people like the faces. Maybe I think the faces are good on something like that. Right. Yeah. Not actual merchandise. Could be. But the pine glasses is not bad. Burpee boy pint glass.

We need, uh, we need, uh, I see that as a good little like bachelor party gag gift. True. Well, you're looking at why? Because it's a cartoon. No, we just have all this.

We have an inside joke about it. gag gifts. What the worst gift to get? Yeah, kind of. Like you don't want to be part of the guy. But I'm like, hey, if somebody's getting it. Well, he's making merch one day for myself. And I was like, this is going to end up in a Goodwill.

Oh, yeah. That's another harsh reality. When you see some of your merch in Goodwill. Whoops. Hey, at least you bought it. Don't care what you do with it afterwards. You bought it. But yeah, a little bachelor party, little Father's Day.

That's all over. that shit. God, I need one too. I actually need a pine glass bad. I've got one left. It's from slapfish. Something I stole. God damn, I'm so good at accidentally stealing things. It's kind of bad. I'll walk right out of a place of the wine glass. And they'll be like, oh, it'll be so, because I'll forget. Yeah, yeah, because it just looks so natural because he's still got a little bit in there. Yeah. And people are like, oh, he must have brought that in or something. Because nobody's walking out, like, confident stealing something. I'm just, I just, I just completely. I completely forgot.

But I... What do you need one for? Just for videos or for actual booze? Sometimes I like a... I like a... Like if I'm drinking something out of a can or a bottle, I like to pour it in a glass. For sure.

Through a straw in there? Oh yeah. I'm a fancy bitch. Makes it way better. Rye does that all the time. Even if she's not like drinking wine or anything, if she has like a little like Pellegrino Seltzer or something. Oh, in a glass with some ice?

Oh, in a glass with some ice. Oh, that's... like all of a sudden goes from like, eh, this is kind of soda-e to like, we're having a night. All of a sudden,

I'm Cleopatra. Yeah. It's a big thing. Fan me off with a leaf. This is from Nicholas. What up? These guys? Ben on another episode,

video always cracks me up. I'm catching up on some episodes while flying across country and heard you talking about Saturday night visual mass proper attire. To this day, I wear a t-shirt and gym shorts.

Way more casual than Sunday morning. Where any of you all Alter boys? Yes. You were? Yes. What? Mm-hmm. The reason I ask is when I was in grade school, my twin brother and I altar served every mass. One Saturday, my crush was in the first couple of rows. And my synchure rope that held up my robe. Wow, that's the actual like this dude's in it. Sincture. I haven't heard that word since seventh grade. Um, the robe that held up my robe fell off when I stood up. Saw my crush laughing and never recovered. Thanks for making me laugh every week. Go stillers. Hell yeah, Nick. Um, he's spelled with an eye.

Stillers? Yeah. Like, yeah. Like how they say it out in Pittsburgh. Yeah, that's, uh, altar boy life was, was, um,

that was some stage fright right there. Because you're, I mean, you're, you're literally just up there for people to make fun of it. Who got you in? Uh, my grandpa and my dad.

How did you get the plug? Wow. You never got on schedule, bro? No. You never got some, some stage time? I didn't get any stage time.

I was, I was just out in the crowd. I was just a wannabe. Yeah, my grandpa. it was like a big thing, you know, because my grandpa, my grandpa Catholic, obviously, Joe Molanaro. Did your dad do that too? I don't know if my dad did, but my grandpa did. And he did it at like the church downtown that was

like Latin and shit. And it was like a big deal to be an altar boy. So my grandpa wanted me to do it. And so I did. And I think it also like counting a service hours. Oh, you're raking it in. So I'm like, okay. Like I just got to stand up there and like, all right, I'll do that. I was way too nervous. Like, when do they go get the thing? Whoa. Damn. Yeah, it could be a little intimidating at times, but it was even more intimidating when the girl you liked or like a group of maybe dudes who were like a grader too older were there.

And you're like, oh, dude, they're just roasting my ass right now. Rocking that robe. You have some nice kicks on under that robe. Yeah, it has some nice kicks. But then, like, you didn't want to wear, you know, your Nike shocks or something because you're like, is that too? Like this feels weird. Like I'm up here with God and I'm wearing just like Nike shocks. Like I feel like I need to be wearing something better. Some moccasins or something. Yeah. But then like you had to get the night. It was always shitty because like if you came in and if they were like low on robes that day.

Low on robes. And they're low on robes on that Sunday bro. You guys have a lot. You guys have a large. That's what I'm saying. I've seen an altar boy with like a hiked up. I'm like you're just wearing a toga, bro. Exactly. Right. You're wearing a skirt. You know? And so it's like damn, I was needed the long ones, man. I want it down there. I don't want people see them. my khakis. Or even worse, wearing shorts than seeing my legs with the Nike shocks? Okay, Caesar. So weird. Yeah, the priest is just like, uh, take the shocks off and put these Jesus sandals on because apparently you rule Rome right now. Could even, could even rock barefoot out there, but altar boy. Yeah, it doesn't. It's, it's, it, I feel like they don't even have altar boys to the mass that your dad goes to. Oh, six a.m. They don't even need them. I got nothing. The priest is barely

I didn't even turn the lights on. Just get in there, save eight Hill Marys. Get the hell out. Go Colts. Get the hell out. Get your, get your Eucharist. And, yeah, be gone. Head on down to South Street and get tailgaden.

God, there is not, like, I was literally yesterday. It was Father's Day and we were over at my parents. And I was sitting there with my brother-in-law and my sister. And I was like, man, I knew it was Sunday. I just had this feels like, God, I looked at it. I was like, God damn, don't you just wish we were getting ready to go inside after dinner and just here. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do do.

Like, I just, oh, I was craving just some Sunday night football to just ease me into the week so badly. But my point on top of that is, like, there's nothing better than like, when you're at mass and it's like 8 a.m. or 9 a.m. or whatever. And even if it's 11 a. 11 a.m. gets a little testy. You know, it's like... At church?

Well, like, at church... Because you're looking at the... You're like, man, I'm not even going to get to enjoy, like, any pregame. Oh, I've never been to church at 11 a.m. Right. But if you go to the early one and then you're like, oh, man, I go home and then freaking...

Ah, it's on Fox and... Such a sundown day. And, oh, maybe pick a little snack on the way. People have their jerse and shit at the mart. You know what I mean? It's... It's... It's hot.

It's great, bro. I've never done that to where I go to church than go to like a professional tailgate. Like I've never gone to like an 8 a.m. It doesn't feel right. And then headed down. I mean, if I lived in Pittsburgh,

probably I'd do that every week with my, you know, Chris Fuomata Mafal jersey on. Oh, fuck. That's all that's coming up on my 4-U page right now. Just old-ass football highlights. So good.

And I watch every second. Which one did you send me? You sent me another one here recently. Just don't, don't look at it because it'll probably make us both cry. I sent you the, the Michigan. Here we go.

Wait, no. Oh, dude. That was insane to me. Oh, shit. The 97 Broncos break my heart more, though, man, beating the Steelers and Three Rivers. No, the Steelers beat the hell out of the Broncos that game, which surprised me.

Yeah, but then they came back later. Yeah, I know. I didn't want to bring that up. But who's the guy uploading this shit? You ever think about that? Who's the guy? that's just uploading random as videos on TikTok

and you know what's so funny with random usernames that I'm like so into is a whole look at Yancey thick pin bro getting the block from Mark Bruin oh god I got to stop dog

yeah god bricked up like a month away from training camp can't wait um yeah it's like me and you

would never post a video on TikTok that's not vertical because we just can't look at just like I don't know what it is yeah you know what it is But those are the videos that pop off.

Oh, my God. Those are the only videos I watch. That's horizontal videos, man. With all that black space, and 336,000 likes. There's, like, weird, like, uh, like emojis that are moving and shit above them. It's like your mom posted it. Hey, man.

People just want to watch old football highlights. Cartoon gifts. I can't blame them. I can't blame them, you know. We did get a, uh, and you got a review that I wanted to share with you. Hit me. I thought it was pretty funny. Got the old Monday pod drop.

Oh, we got a few. This is from Big Willie Wang. College as a chip. Wisconsin Badgers are the red, white, and tortilla chips that come out during holiday season. Oh. God, I saw a different, this reminds me of a, I saw a different type of, like,

Tostito the other day. There's a different shape. Oh, they're stars. They got stars. Star testitos for 4th of July now? I don't know if I'd like that. That seems like really like cut my gum. I kind of don't care.

Like once you're in, you're in. Fuck my mouth up. That feels like you're going to put a, you know, a handful of two or three in there and then one's going to go the wrong way and just absolutely gash your gum, bro. So true.

When you swallow a chip the wrong way and it slices down your throat like you swallowed a butcher knife. Like, hey, uh, all right? And then we got this one from, Eyes just watering. This one from Big Black 3. Johnson and Schmidtie, five stars.

The Johnson and Schmitty podcast makes me laugh so hard I cry. Musty and Dusty in the morning. I was at the gym listening and had to stop lifting because I thought I was going to hurt myself. I need more Johnson and Schmitty in my life. Put an apple in my mouth and rust me like a pig. Oh, yeah. The barbecue party. I went to a wedding over the weekend.

It was a barbecue wedding. Oh, wow. It was wild. If I was the bride, I'd be like, damn, I'm going to get some of this on me. I was all about it. I mean, it was, you know, because you go into, I think he's talk, give me deeds, bro. Apple butter there? No.

I think the fault, you go into every wedding and you're like, okay, going to be kind of an undercooked piece of chicken with some green beans. Why is it? Why is it? Why is it? Why is that? Weird, like, it's not mashed potatoes, but it's not like stuffing. It's just like a weird cabob smorgas board.

on the side. And that's what you're going to think. Okay, it's going to be it. Dude, why is every wedding food the same? Right. And why is the chicken always like that? Because they got like 250 people, so they're just fucking

getting it out. But I mean, isn't it like $19,000 a plate? No, you would think. But this wedding I was at, you go, there's an outdoor wedding, and then you went through the line and they had mac and cheese, baked beans,

green beans and then you grab the bun and they had the choice of brisket or pulled chicken and then your choice of like five barbecue sauces are you used there's money it was great I think that's the only reason I would get married

is that and you know what like you can be really hit or miss on a big public gathering for mac and cheese and green beans you know they can kind of be like yeah Some people could get so turned off by macaroni.

Whoa. They were so good. They tasted like what your mom would make for a Fourth of July cookout. I was very impressed. And then kick her on top of it, which you're just going to die. Had a walk up. Kill me. Had a walk up cupcake dessert table.

Like bar? You make your own. You didn't make your own, but you just literally walk up. Grab them. It's a move. Cupcakes instead of. cake at a wedding? Money. Many? Anything mini

I'm into. I was like, they're going to kick me out. I'm like three cupcakes. I was like they're going to literally, but the one, that's it. The pride's going to be like, hey, can you make an announcement? Hey, who's a guy who is taking the platter of cupcakes? There's a limit. Yeah, you've reached yours and you need to go. Three per person. I'd be like, all right, fine.

I'm taking it to go box with going. A pulled pork wedding. I've heard of a breakfast wedding. That's cool. I've heard of an all pizza wedding. I'm like, that's kind of a fuck it. I'm, I've, kind of kind of like props. I've been waiting. I've been waiting for the, for the wedding that I go to where they're just like, yeah, we just ordered like 200 boxes of pizza. Is that lazy or is it like, yeah, it's exactly what I want. I think it's great. I think it's great. I think that's what everybody wants. Deep down. 100%. Like if everybody could, I actually wrote a blog about it, like two years ago. I was like, just somebody have the balls to do it. Like stop having the parents

or the bride think that it's like tacky or something. No one cares. You know what everybody wants? They want booze there. After that, it's all just fuel and stuff to soak up the booze. What better way to do that than pizza? Yeah, chicken and green beans just it doesn't, the vibe isn't right for that. Nobody's like we're trying to party, right? Yeah. Like 200 boxes of pizza, let's roll. I think everybody. would be happy. Maybe your aunt. That's a bitch. We're just like,

really? But who gives a fuck? She's leaving at like 9 o'clock anyways. There's a lot of people there that would be like, I don't eat that. So like,

well, just like work your way around it, figure something out. Or just don't eat. I'm all for, yeah, the different kind of wedding. What's the layout?

You know? What's the layout for pizza? Pizza. My favorite boat is Baitta. I think you just have like two long ass L-shaped. kind of like the wedding I was just at. It was great.

You came in the middle and then you go left or right. Same shit on either side. But it's just like whatever line shorter. And just have the boxes just do to do and then lid already open. And you just. It is kind of amazing when you see that much pizza laid out with the tops popped off. Incredible. You're like, it's like I'd rather have 30 pizza boxes than like four million.

dollars. Like you ever see all that pizza and just be like holy like we're rich like we're balling tonight. I this is like home alone too. Like I'm in heaven. Yeah. Cheese cup station. Bread stick.

See that. See now we're now we're cooking with gas. A bread. Make your own breadstick shit. Actually don't even make your own. Not even a make your own. It's just already made. It's there.

Man. That's what I want. Eliminate all thinking. I mean me and I was pretty proud of ours. we had like a pasta a pasta buffet line. So you could literally, they would have the pasta heated up

and then they'd put it on your plate and then you'd just go and you'd be like, yeah, I want this meat. I want this veggie. I want this kind of sauce. Boom. And then you went.

I remember that. Salad. We love the pot. We got a lot of it. That's like the biggest compliment we get from our wedding still. Pasta bar. Yeah.

They're just like, I love that. That was, I never used to that. I'm like, good. So me and you get married. We have a pizza. Pizza.

Mm-hmm. For the reception, what's, what's dessert? What are we doing? Man, I think my sister did this. Give me that donut wall. Wall? Yeah. You can order, you can order like a serving thing that you literally like hang up on a wall

and it's like, it's almost like a coat rack. And you just put donuts on there. You just walk right up and grab them, bro. There's a wall of donuts. Yeah. Just whatever you want. Mm-hmm. Do you need like a stepping stool for the top row?

That would be cool to be the donut guy. Pink sprinkles. Hey. Oh, the things I do to be that donut guy. Hey, the dude has like that. What are we thinking? Like in the old school library has the ladder that like he could push himself. Oh, yeah.

You want blueberry cake? Hold on just a sec. Grab it. Toss it down to them. They catch it in their mouth. What I really want to do. with my life. What do you really want to do?

I want to be a donut librarian. When you're a kid. A donut librarian at weddings. What do you want to be when you grow up? Astronaut, firefighter, donut librarian. What do you mean? Like, what did I just say? I want to wear glasses.

I want to have a mustache. I want to wear an apron. And I want to grab Long Johns off the top row. Throw them at the back of your head sometimes. I want to be a little donut librarian. Qualifications. on your resume. Dude, how great is that, man?

A donut wall. And they were from Longs too. I don't even care where they're from sometimes, you know? A bad donut, I'm like, I'll give it a shot. Bob, I'm just telling you my sisters, they were from Longs. That's insane. Yeah. That's insane.

But I will give any donut a chance. Oh, yeah. Like, even if you know, like, you know, it's just going to be a waste of your time. It's like dry. The icing's like, not. The dry yeast, you're like, yeah, still be like a six out of ten. Yeah, still, still in the C range for me. I'd rather, I'd rather, I'd rather, I'd rather, have a straight up C donut than no donut at all.

Yeah, it just feels good that it's there. I'd rather have a C donut than a B plus piece of chicken. Yeah, all chicken is like, whatever. It's just, yeah, I mean, you know, no one eats more chicken than you do. That's so true. chicken is just you're just throwing it in you you're not it's not for enjoyment never has it tastes good no i've never had good tasting chicken ever maybe at a cookout you know on like fourth of july when the dad's getting wild and putting seasoning and shit on it not even then bro record for burpy boys

yeah what's going on with you i got like five get them out baby i don't know now's the time last night wait just save all your burps for a podcast i drink it two liter before our episode 39. Well, we had a... We had filet and green beans. Well, last night. Yeah, for Father's Day. And then cake and cookie cake for dessert.

That's another wedding, like, option there for dessert. Cookie cake. Dude, I just love mini-shed. Mini cookie cakes. Now, that's something... I've never seen one of them before. Damn, did we just invent something? I've seen mini cakes.

You know, like the little... Just cupcakes, right? No, they're like an individual size cake. Yeah. And I just fuck one of those up. Yeah, I've seen those, but I've never seen just like an individual size cookie cake. Yo. What's up?

Inventions. Invention list added on. I'll forget and never remember it. Nope. Just like your gift cards that you have no idea where they are. I don't know where they are. Yeah, what did I do? What do we do in high?

Like, I'm trying to think, you know, because when I was like 14, 15, 15, 16. that was like all I got stockings, birthdays was like McDonald's B-dubs, McDonald's B-dubs. Oh, iTunes, McDonald's B-dubs. You probably used them. Maybe Subway. Right, but like, how did I, would I just keep them in my pockets? Like, I wasn't, I think I maybe had some, like, bitch-ass wallet, but like, I had the bitchiest wallet my whole entire life, man. An old Navy one that was Valka. Ben's opening his wallet. The whole city heard me open it. Couldn't lose that. thing. Same wallet till I was like 17, until somebody made fun of me. Then I was like, oh, okay, I need a real wallet. Yeah. I was money clip gang for a while. God, yeah. It's weird.

I'm money club. I have been for years now, but it's weird to think about having the actual wallet back in the day, that big old fucking square in your pocket. Yeah, I'm kind of rocking with that right now. Not as bad. Not as big. It's more of like a foldover thing. Well, yeah, because you're on, you're falling and I'm bringing back the cargo back. baggy shorts, baggy pants. So like it doesn't matter. You can have one of those. I don't know about the...

I'm still not sure about the cargo shorts. But I'll probably wear them. But, yeah, wallets back in the day. I'd have like my favorite like sports players card in there. School picture of your girl. Brailin Edwards card in the clear thing. Picture of my girl behind the Braylon Edwards. Because I didn't want like someone to see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like, hey, we're, you know, didn't want to give her that much credit. Right. They don't get too big of the head. Yeah, I know. I mean, I just open up my wallet and your big ass faces right there. Like, come on. I see you literally every day.

Let's turn it down a notch. Great pick, but. Well, like, I'm not overseas serving our country and, like, have to look at you all the time. See your ass in passing periods literally six times. Right. Yeah. Like, you don't write letters. you with my wallet, like on display, like,

with a candle. Passing periods, man. I hated them. Because he always had to, it was like, do I say hi? I guess I got to say hi to everybody. I guess I got to shake up with all of my friends every time I see him. Well, it's easy with your boys, but when there's a girl you like and you're, I kind of like with her or like going out with hers.

I mean, I was so forced and awkward, bro. Do I stop? Do I say anything? Do I shove her into a locker as a flirty thing? thing. See, I would do that and then it wouldn't end well. I feel like it'll be funny. I was always out to do like the thing that wasn't like, I can't just say hi to you four times a day. And then that's it. Kind of talk after school. Hey. And then like you're thinking about it after school and you're like, I really bombed today, didn't I? Yeah. I'm weighing over yet.

Practice. Like, like I was not hitting. We were not clicking. I was not clicking. This may be over. I wouldn't mind. I may get out of practice and have a text saying, hey, this, I think we should just be friends. Like, if she's in a bad mood at school tomorrow, like I know why. I was tank. I was bombing every interaction. Dude, that's a rough go. But then when you were hitting.

It's so rough. But then when you were hitting, it's like, when's our pizza wedding? I'll propose right now. Have you heard of mini cookie cakes? Oh, just thought of it. Weird. Anyway. At lunch.

Oh, man, that was a rough. Yeah, when I was hitting, though, I would get too excited and probably ruin it. You know, got to play cool. But I would do some shit. I would do some push you into a locker shit. but it was like wasn't like I was like come on hey bro you want to know you want to know how it was really done is like if you'd been talking hanging out flirting with a girl for like a couple weeks or whatever and like usually for that few weekspan or whatever like she would be at her locker

every day after school and you'd stop by and you'd fucking put it on you know you'd put your arm up like this you'd be having the most fun your lifey shit oh yeah then all of a sudden one you know a couple days in a row, like you'd go by the locker and she just wouldn't be there. But then there'd be a text. I'd be like, hey, sorry, I had to run somewhere. It's like, okay, it's done. It's over. Or she's talking to her girlfriends, like way too much by her locker when that used to be your time. Oh, yeah. Now they're there. You're like, well, she planned this. Okay. She needed a backup. You guys strategize this. She needed it back up and it's over. This fling has run. It's course. Got it. It's a hard pill to swallow, man. It's the amount of times it's happened. It's just

unbelievable. Dude, you know what? We should write. We should write like a Seinfeld version of a high school show, which is all of this kind of shit of these interactions and like the things that would go down. Oh yeah. It's so, everything's so embarrassing in high school. I'm just like, and it sticks with you. Man. Still to this day. Like, what am I supposed to do on Valentine's Day, really? No one really knows.

Like, how do you draw up a Valentine's Day in high school with your girl that you're not official with, but she's kind of your girl? What are you doing? Then you could overstep your boundaries, man. Then you go two over the top. Then it's like, whoa, this guy's a lot. But then you don't know is all that.

You kind of maybe just like, I don't know, give her a bag of candy or something like that. And then she was like, I mean, I don't think anything like, give me anything bag of candy. You know, what's it worth? What would girls get in your ass for Valentine's Day? Guys don't even get anything for Valentine's Day, really? Right? No, guys don't give a shit. It's all the guy giving the girl stuff pretty much.

One year in high school, I got like a big heart. heart filled with like hella re it's hella like pink and red starburst which was cool which was thoughtful because like you got before favorite you're to separate them back in the day dog reds and there's like a Reese's in the middle and i was like damn that was that was the one that that's pretty cool yeah i couldn't tell you one fucking thing i ever got for valentine's a day but that's fine but i think that's the only thing i've ever gotten that's the only reason i remember i'm not just out here every year getting valentine's gifts yeah I don't know.

I mean, all good. But yeah, if not there at the locker, bye-bye. Yeah, it's not happening. Time to chill with the boys for a while. It is like a week. Yeah, time to go to the, that's what's funny is that like for that week

where it's like hot and heavy and like everything you say is funny and she's hitting you all the time and everything. And like, you know, your boys are kind of giving you shit. Your boys are kind of giving you shit as you walk past this. end. They know you're killing. They know you're killing.

Yeah. And then you go, you got to go do your thing. But then all of a sudden you come crawling back. And then right back to the boys. Back to the boys. So like what are you guys doing this weekend?

Oh, what happened? You come crawling back. And then you have to kind of overcompensate. You know, you got to do something real crazy or say something real nuts. You know,

like maybe. What are you dumb asses doing this weekend? Maybe talk shit to a teacher that walks by so you can get back on their good graces of like, all right, he's back. Now we're having fun.

He's not. whipped anymore. Wipped. Dude. Do one thing for the girl. You're like whipped.

Wipped. Yeah, that used to be such a big argument when you were like 14 to 16. I'm not whipped bro.

At least I'm not whipped like you, bro. That's so funny but so true. But like the entire goal being a 15 year

old dude in high school is to like get chicks. Yeah. Hey, guess what? Guess I'm whipped. Been whipped my whole goddamn life.

Whip gang. Oh, yeah. It's like that group of dudes is like the, you know, they're like the guys in Philly that stand next to the trash can with the fire and they're like singing. You know, like the trash can quartet, you know? No, but yeah. I mean, they're not actually singing.

It's just like that group of guys that's always there from like 3 o'clock to like 3.35 just because they're having the most fun in their life. and you're just trying to get back in just trying to get back in the game with my boys it's where you're supposed to be yeah it's where you're supposed to be

at the end of the day you don't get out of your comfort zone yeah you're not marrying that girl to lock her yeah all right TG39 TG39 I'm gonna go play some golf

play some golf play some golf I can't wait to report back what my what my bag is full of I can't That's the only thing I want to know about your golf trip.

Not your score. Not who you played with. Actually, I hope you make fun of them a lot. Tell me the prizes you got. Little golf party bag. We'll run through it all. Recap it next week. Yeah, team these guys at gmail.com.

Find us. You know where to find us. Apple, Spotify, Stitcher. YouTube. Hit over 1K finally. We got over the 1K. So thank you very much, everybody. These guys clubhouse.

That's great. And all right. We'll talk to you next week. Yeah. Yeah, these guys. See ya. Bye-bye.