THESE GUYS! - Knee Slappers Comedy Club

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

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Oh my God, I might just pee pee. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, dude. I want some of that peepee. I want some of that peepee all over my face, baby. What? Cold pork, you idiot. Oh, okay, okay.

Give me a, give me a big a slab of pee pee. You're disgust. I'm talking about pulled pork, you pervert. Oh, okay. What time? I'll be there. I want some of that pee, too. Or a sports.

In the game. In the game. bad did you have to buy every video game at the end of a commercial like that? Like a Madden commercial grown up and at the end, EA Sports. It's in the game. I'd be like, Mom! No, the best was the NCAA because obviously we've hit on this for the last 30,000 weeks. Let's keep doing it. Consistency is key. Hit the duty. The little pregame loading screen and the EA Sports is in the game.

And then immediately would turn to like, But ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-b-da-bo-bo-da-bo-bo-bo-do-pbo-do. Almost turning to the NBA on NBC theme song right there. Can NBC get back in the game? Yeah. You don't like the NBC Sunday night football, and I do. I hate it. You always have.

I just never got it. It's just trying too hard. I'm like, you got to be your own thing, NBC. Like NBC basketball was like, yo! Yeah, well, what is NBC football like? It's just kind of like... Dude, there's nothing like when they, you know, it's like the following broadcasts of the NFL,

all copyright, but da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. It's just the trumpets, dude. It's just a black screen and you know it's coming and it opens up and it's a, you know, over Pittsburgh. Blum, dumb, dummch, out Michaels. It's just the Sunday night thing. Oh!

Dude, it's not even, it's not. If that was on any other day, I'd be like, I love this shit. Oh, bro. Sunday night scaries, dude. Over the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, and you're looking at downtown Pittsburgh. Oh, yeah. Can you pick it running out of the tunnel?

Stop it, dude. But, da, da, da, da, da, da, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. You hard right now. Yeah. You're like, anyway, uh, TG 37. What's up? up. Sean Alexander.

What's up? Clubhouse. Did I ever tell you that? I met him at Mobile in Mobile. What do you say? Sean Alexander. It was great. He was backstage for the Senior Bowl show that I was doing.

Because he was a part of the Alabama panel that was coming back there. And I was like, oh, Sean Alexander. Oh my God. Like you were my childhood, man. You know, Madden cover. Like, what's up? And he's just like, oh, so I hear you do a Nick Saban impression. I was like, cocked.

Oh. Does he have a Lisp? Kind of. Okay. Super good dude. dude. Super good, dude. Here we go. Bright and early stroke meter. What you know about it? Dude, my mom

stroked out like eight times. Oh, yeah. In one sitting on Sunday or on Saturday night. Because she gets on you for stroking out, right? Yeah, but she, dude, there was like, we were, it got to a point we were legitimately concerned. My dad was like, I was like, do we need to call somebody? She couldn't get words out and she wasn't even drunk. It was crazy. Does it smell like toast in here or something? Most, most consecutive.

most consecutive stroke meters in a row to my mom for eight doesn't it speak in English Doesn't it hurt when you're stroking out and you just feel so bad if you almost want to apologize

for your stroke oh my God I did it the other day I ran three girls I was like can I like write a letter to you guys later sorry I'm just stupid do do do

send it to the wrong address oh please yeah right they're all like oh I'm not dude girls aren't like that You think girls are like that to me? Girls just make fun of me, bro.

Shut the fuck. Can I wear your hat? You don't even need a. The girl that wears your hat. Now, actually, I do need this really bad because you don't want to see the massacre on top of my head. You want to laugh and joke around?

Borrow my hat. Yeah. Who's the F-boy? No, I don't know. Yeah, so you don't have anything coming up, do you? Absolutely nothing. Isn't it great, though? God damn. All weekend just absolutely nothing. We were on a roll there for a while. We were just promo guys. We were promo guys. Get your ticks in the bio guys. We were that. But it works out, you know. You gotta do it. That's what you gotta do. Hey, it's our life. Hey, I will say that we debuted last week that we had, uh, team these guys at gmail.com. We got an active email account. So if you want to write into these guys, you know, maybe you want to pitch something or maybe you just want to say what's up.

And you don't want to do it in like a review format or whatever. We do have an email. So you can send in there. We did get a few. Oh, yes. This is from, how about this, dude? This is from Eddie or, well, I don't want to say. I don't want to say that.

This is, this is, uh, so it could be like some advice stuff too if you need some advice with something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this, this dude says love from Melbourne, Australia. Shut up. Hey, these guys. I'm a loyal listener in Melbourne, Australia. Absolutely love the show.

Not sure if you guys are. checked out all see rules football but we'd love to hear thoughts on it it's great and truly crazy game NFL means basketball and soccer but is full contact and no pads lots of love and keep up the good work slap my ass yeah I'm doing whatever he says now during that email I was like I'm not looking that shit up says slap my ass at the end I'll check it out so we got these guys clubhouse all the way down under Melbourne Australia everybody in Australia so hot he's probably so just because of the voice too. Same goes for New Zealand.

It's just like Scotty Mack from the other night. He just loved it. Just everybody. Well, to answer your question, I have heard of Aussie rules football because it's one of those things that my dad got really into, you know? I heard about it from him.

Yeah, yeah. He was telling everybody about it, really trying to get it to catch on. You know, I think he was in one of those weird kind of like midlife. So he was just trying to find a whole bunch of new shit. You know what I mean? Trying to get it. catch on single-handed like hell yeah no one believes that they can get something to catch on more than my

dad that's the best though it's the best guy really is wild like i always have to tip my cap to him i mean this like he really really thought he like what else is he tried to commend him like you know he's still going for it too like you know with all she rolls footy like he's he'll tell anybody about it you know and just try to get people on board so that's what you got to do though you know is there anything else he's like he like pushes for that's like something there what all the time dude. And what's hilarious is he always like, I don't, I feel like your dad doesn't do this, but my dad like apologizes to me for like talking to me. My dad's never apologized to anyone's life. He'll always be like, hey, uh, sorry, I was just

driving. I had this weird idea pop it in my head. Sorry, I know you're real busy. Oh, this is. I love guys like this. But anyways, and then he'll tell me about an idea. And then at the end, he'll be like, anyways, I was just, you know, on top of my mind and didn't want to bother you. But, uh, so I'm sorry for my weird ideas, but you know how I am. I'm like, Dad, it's all good. I'm your son. Just call me. We can talk. It's fine. I'm your fucking son. Like, I literally would not be here.

Not your neighbor. Yeah, exactly. But it's funny that. Then he'll send a follow-up tax. I'd be like, sorry again for all those weird ideas. So what'd you think? Dude, this didn't mean to bother you. Oh, but I just talked to you for 15 straight minutes and you didn't get a word in.

Yeah, I don't know. So God love them. But that's just, that's just how Pops rolls. So yeah, my man, I appreciate the email. Love that you're listening down in Australia. We'll check it out. Slat my ass. Slat my ass.

And then we got one from about food truck. Yes. This guy says, you guys are the shit. Never listened to a podcast completely. But this morning I finished every episode of these guys. No way. No clue to do with myself now. Imagine if food trucks have the same purpose as ice cream chucks and stop by in your

neighborhood. Never mind, that's DoorDash, this guy. I would probably say French fries would be my food truck domain of choice. Please come to the southeast ASAP, kisses and tisses. I fucking love these people. You guys are awesome. Clubhouse. Absolutely clubhouse right there.

Yeah, French fries would definitely play on food truck. Who's not? I mean, you do kind of like your trail mix idea. You know, just customized French fries. Customize one of those boats of French fries at one in the morning. A French fry boat. All set sail. Oh, geez.

USS crinkle. All aboard. Drop the anchor. I'm going to be here for a while. That's awesome. That's so that's team. Team these guys at gmail.com. You can send in awesome emails like that to us.

And we'll read them on air from two of our pals who sent them in this past week. So that's great. Keep them coming, baby. How about the comments under the food truck? That's where I was going. People have thought about this before. Yeah. Because some of those ideas were like revolutionary. Some people were just literally waking up every morning saying, when is somebody going to ask me my idea for a food truck already? All right. So this from last week, Ben's was trail mix and mine was biscuits and gravy crunch wraps. And this is what your guys is was. Let's see.

From Shiona Rodin. Cereal French Toast food truck. Crazy. You can either have your choice of cereal mixed in the batter on top along with other toppings. Huh. Yeah, it's a big...

I saw that on TikTok. Some guys just blending up cereal and putting it in French toast. I was just like, bro, get a job, but thank you for this creation. So this is kind of a new thing, though. the cereal french toast it's coming around

imagine like fruity pebbles french toast mm hmm never big fruity pebbles guy but I get where I did cinnamon toast crunch now we're talking for marina miller a food truck that makes all things

banana bread banana pudding banana smoothie fancy cup banana with peanut butter drizzle on top banana peanut peanut butter pie banana split holy shit marina really likes bananas have different things available every week since there's so many

things you can make. And she says, can you tell I like bananas? I got just one more idea, actually, if you could, just to make sure. Have you tried banana pudding? Yeah. Dude, I was freaked out by it for the first 27 years of my life. I was like, yeah, I had it as a kid. And I was like, why wouldn't I just want chocolate, though? But that's what all you think when you're a fucking kid? Banana dessert? What? And then my father-in-law was like, that's actually my favorite dessert. And I was like, Really? So he said, yeah, for his birthday, like last year, my wife made it.

And I was like, all right. She probably crushed that. The Nila wafers in there? Shut up and go to hell. And slap my ass while you're at it. Yeah. Now it's probably, I mean, it's up there for me. It may be, especially like some cream.

God, dang it's so good. I know they put some other, some other shit you can put on there too. Some like crumbles of some sort. Something. It's like it's not peanut, like crumbled up peanuts, but it's like something that's like crunchy enough in there. Throw anything. Never mind.

Just throw some nuts on it. I'll eat it. And then, I mean, yeah, you go with, you go with a peanut butter banana. That's great.

God. Cool. All banana. You never would have thought, you know, that you'd really like banana this much. For sure.

The banana lafie taffy really kind of took me out of banana for a long for like 10 years. You throw a banana bread at me now? Yep. Strawberry banana smoothie. Peanut butter banana smoothie? So played,

though, strawberry. Why is everybody getting strawberry banana smoothie? for their first one. So good. I know, but like who was like, dude,

it's like the Michael Jordan of smoothies. I don't think I've had anything else and I don't want anything else. From Caleb Smith. Ooh. A food truck that just recreates

discontinued snacks from the 90s and early 2000. See, this is the kind of shit I'm talking about. Kudos bars, tricks yogurt, fruit loop cereal straws,

Cheetos twisted puffs, Dunkaroos, etc. Caleb, you're taking over these guys marketing. That's the best idea I've ever heard. Cream savers milkshake. I had cream savers the other day and threw up the whole night because I had 13.

I had long as donuts the other day after I had Batesa. Wow, what a night. Yeah, dude, this is my Saturday. Isn't it great? It was awesome. Great pool day. I'm out there hanging, and beautiful weather, having some beers.

And then my parents are like, actually, Because we mean, we've been on a run of like red meat at my house. Like we've been having like steaks, steak tacos, burgers, which is all great. But then my parents were like, you know, we've kind of been cooked out a lot recently too. Why we just do pizza? I'm like Saturday night pizza. Then my dad randomly is just like bored at the pool day. He's like, I think I'm going to go to lungs.

No way, dude. What fantasy is this? It's just like 3.30 on a. Saturday. Fucking call me. Pizza and donuts by the pool? Fuck my ass in hell. Dude.

And it was best family dinner ever. It was awesome. But then that night couldn't sleep because every time I tried to go to sleep, NASA reflux would work up and it would be acid in my throat and I wouldn't be able to breathe and I'd wake up. Hey,

kind of worth it though. Right? So now I just know not to do the pizza and the longs donuts combination at like 6.30 after having Miller light all day and I should be fine. Got to figure it out somehow. I've had the flux for forever too.

Flux is bad, man. The flux will fuck you out. I'll get some flux after eating ice cream though, but it kind of tastes better the second time. I'm like, I'm just eating this ice cream twice. What's up? From Jordan H. Put me down for a food truck that serves mixers

using melted freeze pops. God, those are always better liquid than frozen. Yeah, drive that around my neighborhood. Also, I'd love to see that version of Cassaway starring Tom Cruise that Joey has apparently seen. Whoops. Mixed up Tom.

Cruz and Tom Hanks. Who hasn't? Sorry. Same guys. From Walker Ramsey. Basically just a food. I love it. Yeah, it's like, it's not like I said like Phil Donahue and Tom and like in Castaway. Huge movie stars. Huge movie stars have been around for literally our entire, forever, both named Tom. Sorry, mixed it up there off the top of the head guys. Not exactly huge because Tom Cruise. Would be interesting though to see Tom Cruise in that movie. I think that'd be a nice little crossover. Walker Ramsey basically just a food truck at ballpark food.

God damn it. Drown me in beer, a couple brats, pretzel with cheese dip. Nice. Just halfway through the work meeting, just walking back to the table with a beer bat.

Hey, I got three Louisville sluggers. Anybody want one? Just playing Dizzy Bat. And she ever played that game? Oh yeah. Jesus Christ, dude.

The amount of times I've almost ran into a car, Park car. From Z-Bet, a food truck that serves a breakfast sandwiches with donuts as the bun. That's wild.

But like, I would. Fried donuts, too. Fried donuts. These are all, like, topping each other. It's insane. Like, they're all getting better. I like this. Layton, give me a blooming onion food truck.

Shut the fuck up. Open at sunrise for those breakfast blooms and closes at 3 a.m. for the loaded onions. What would be a breakfast bloom? You think? I don't know. Like a French toast blooming onion. No onions in it, though.

It just looks like that. And you dip it in, like, French toast sticks. You know how they have the array of syrups when you go to IHop? And you're like, blueberry, strawberry, regular. I'm like, oh my God. Then I just always use regular. From Heyo Mayo.

These last two here are off topic, but A.O. Mayo, power hour at tin roof next year. So that maybe it's just an hour long party and it's just a power hour. That would be fun. And everybody leaves there just blacked out. Power hour the hour before it starts. Ooh, dangerous. He was at Indiana land. Thanks.

brother. Took a flight to Indiana. Oh, wow. You actually listened to our advice. Clubhouse. Good on you. And then last one here from Luke McCoy. This is going back to our chip college discussion. Spicy nacho Doritos equals University of Arizona. That's good. That's good. Are those spiciest chip? What's the spiciest chip? Miss Vickie's. I don't know, man. I'm starting to get to the point. Like, you remember when you were a kid, if you had anything other than like plain chips they were like spicy like even barbecue you're like ah ah that's spicy even barbecue

yeah when you're like a kid kid I was always intimidated by barbecue when I was a kid I was like that's for adults bro now there's like those like red ass jalapeno pepper laced kettle chips and I'm just like oh so you're just into the spice doesn't even affect me really flux later you'll flux it out later my mouth I'm like

okay what about the other I was 10 years old. Like, I had barbecue. I'm like, ah. You know, I'm like. I got hooked on a barbecue from the sweet mesquite pringles. Those destroyed my life. Who doesn't?

I don't think, I think that's one thing that every. That'd be good. I think that's- Chips are so good. Sorry. Never had them. I think the thing that everybody likes, no question, no debate, is barbecue. Barbecue chips or just barbecue?

Just barbecue in general. Like, there's nobody that looks like, ew. It's like you can get a couple of ewes for like pizza, weirdly, chocolate. Some people don't like it. And you're like, what? But barbecue, I think everybody's on board. Yeah. I feel like there's probably a few ladies that are like, smells weird.

And I don't like the vinegar. Right. But every dude. BBQ. That's what we, if we really wanted to, you know, get the, get the, these guys clubhouse popping for next year for either food truck or for tin roof, just make it a big old barbecue. Who's not going? Just put a pig on a fucking

Put an apple in a pig's mouth Hog tie that bitch Every table just has a red and white Checkered flag picnic Covers Paper plates everywhere Just chips and barbecue You're at the centerpiece on every table

It is just a little pig Actually not even a whole pig Just a hog head Just a hog head Yeah Try to make a pig noise that's just the DJ drop what a party

these guys are a bunch of pitch these guys barbecue get your hoofs over here bro you're so right man fucking whether it's whether it's pull pork or ribs or rib cutlets geez you say that to any dude

like, what time? Pulled pork, dude. Just the word pulled going with pork. Like, hey, we're having pork. We're having pulled pork. What time? Where? All right.

Sounds good. I'll be there. What do I need to bring? All right, buns? Well, I'll bring whatever you want. Yeah, dude, we're having a little peepee. What? You're having penis?

Nah, dude. Pulled pork. Oh, my God. I might just peepee. Oh my God. Oh, yeah, dude. I want some of that pee-p I want some of that pee-p

all over my face, baby what? Cold pork, you idiot. Oh, okay, okay. Give me a, give me a big slab of pee-p you're disgust I'm talking about

pulled pork, you pervert. Oh, okay. What time? I'll be there. I want some of that pee-p-too. It's a motherfucking pee-pee-p-party. Weeat. I hate slapping my fucking me

and something's funny. Oh, I love it, bro. I mean, I love it, but it's like the first move ever. Yeah, man. So you want to tell some knee slappers, man. You up there tellings, there's got to be, can we open up a comedy club here just called knee sloppers? I'd love nothing more. And it's just, it's just Johnson and Schmidt's face.

God, that'd be awesome. Dude, I think we just, I think that's it. I think we're just a host every weekend. Just the corny as shit. So such a weird dynamic of like fans that come in because it's all just like Bachelorette parties of like you know 23 to 34 year old women that want there to see Ben and then it's like 36 year old to 43 year old dudes who just want me to do Collinsworth somehow they mix together.

That's the crossover. Hope you guys like each other. Just so many Cubs and Steelers hats. My dream. I say we start scouting out of location. Knee sloppers. Me sloppers and Schmitty. As the host, who's not going?

Just the logo. It's perfectly made for a comedy club logo. Just take these guys off our logo and put knee sloppers. And there you go, man. Free beer all night. But it's like the worst beer ever kind of. You know, it's just a 50 cent beer. Just PBR and Bushlight.

So many people throwing up in the bathroom. I'd go. He's not. every night has a special, like a big special. Yeah, but it's only pee-pee. What do you guys have for food? All food trucks pull up, surround the place. What's going on in here?

You got to get your food from the food truck before you come in. Yep. Get your fucking banana bread. Get your food from the food truck. Come in, sit down, get a tray of quarter bushlights. Yeah. And get ready to just slap your fucking knee. Cups are. stack to the ceiling.

People have no idea what we're talking about. Sounds incredible. Try to get Matt Rife to come. He's like... He might be in on it, dude. You see his tour announcement? He's cool. Ashton Coucher, that was pretty big.

Yeah. God, I wanted to be Ashton Coucher so bad. We didn't. Still do. Yeah. Coolest life ever. Been famous for like 30 years. Does it?

How about... Beautiful wife. No trouble. Yeah. Being so famous that you don't need to be famous anymore. He's like, I'm done. Yeah. I'm doing doing everything. I'm going to get invested in this acorn business. Is he though?

Yeah, it's like acorn like investing. Literally, it's like, uh, can you look that up, Nicola? Acorn. Here we go. It's been a couple of weeks. How's a stroke game? Acorn investing. Oh, look at that.

Holy shit. I didn't even blink. It was up there. Yeah, invest spare change. to automatically save and invest. Yeah. Microinvesting and robo. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't even. Pops up all the time and you're like, is it real or fake? And Ashton Coucher's like kind of talking about it on like the Tonight Show or something. Fake. Yeah, so I don't really know what's going on with it. But yeah, I see.

Rife didn't come in here. I was like, dang. I thought you would open for him or something. He did last year. And then I think he came. There's a comedy club in Fort Wayne that's like, kind of banging. It's called Summit City Comedy Club.

Been there. It's cool. Doesn't sound as cool as knee slappers. Knee slappers comedy club. Yeah, he's like, he's almost like too good looking, you know? Like, so hot. I'm like, is this, is he like AI, like generated? Like a robot. Is he AI comedian? I know. No, he, I got introduced to him. I think he already was there. I know you're looking at the schedule. But he saw me, he goes, ah, fuck, dude.

We're just the same guy. And I was like, yeah, I wish. But he's normal-ass dude. It's awesome to me. I guess all comedians are kind of, I haven't met one comedian yet that I'm like, oh my God. Yeah, I was going to say,

you've run across a lot more of those types of folks than I have so far. But all the ones that I have, too, they've been awesome. Like Trevor Wiles, Michael Blow. Michael Inochee. I'm like, oh, okay. They're just normal.

Yeah. So starstruck when I see anybody, though. Eric Griffin from workaholics and big stand-up comic. Been a bunch of shit. I was like, oh, man, this guy's like big. He might be a dick. And then he was super cool. We were just like chatting about HBO shows for three hours in the green room.

That's amazing. I'm like, you're just a normal guy. Huh. I thought you're going to slap me in the face and make me bow to you. Because I would. I would. every time I see Yeah

Especially like Dude NFL players If I see an NFL Oh well I think they kind of do Expect that though Oh really? Yeah Because comedians I guess aren't shit

For like a long time Well and comics I mean Like that's just kind of like The nature We like It's always to like Self deflect

And like self deprecate Ooh nice Whereas athletes It's like Fuck yeah Motherfucker I've been this way Since I was 18

So true, though. Everybody's been telling me yes, and then I'm a God forever. I don't know how you... I don't know what I would say. Like, you said you met Sean Alexander and you're just like, cool. Yeah, but I think he's, like, he's in his 40s. Like, he's past the point of like,

if you're a dude who's in the league, like, playing right now or like on the come up, that's when people are, you know, because you got everybody who's like trying to get a piece of you, everybody telling you your man, everybody, you know, want you sign contracts. and you got all this money and you're a football player and you do this and this.

Football. Yeah. But now Sean was cool. How are you doing it? That's me, I swear. I'd be like, oh my God, I drafted you first on the NFL Street every time I love you.

I mean, what's up, man? Coaches are more scary to meet than players. Oh, no. Scared to meet? Oh, my God. Bro, I walked. Worst nightmare. When I was doing that show in Mobile,

not this past year, but the year before. I walked down in the green room. they're like yeah there's some food and drinks downstairs and a few of the coaches are down there and i was like all right you know i'll go check this out act like i'm getting food barely just seeing who's down there and so i walked down there and it's just Steve sarkesian james franklin um the head coach at albren at the time and i forget who else and they're just sitting there and they're all like so much no one's talking and they're all yeah they're like white wiping their face because there's sweat, you know, and everything like that.

But like, no one's really talking. And I'm like, oh. So I act like I'm getting food. And then all of a sudden, James Franklin's like, I know you, man. And, like, you know, he broke down the wall pretty good. He was pretty cool. Thank God. Steve Sarkeesian, he was scary.

I wouldn't know what was just a head coach of Texas. I was just like, coach, I think I called him Sark. I was like, just because I hear that all the time. Oh, you did? Sark-A. What's up Sark? Whoops. I'd fuck up so hard and say something wrong.

Go sooner. Fuck! Who's the most famous person that you've interacted with? It's good. It's a good question. Probably Nikki Glazer. Maybe. Matt Rife, maybe.

He's popping now. But I don't know about like all time. I'm trying to think of a med an athlete that's, uh, like interacted with what do you mean, like for a longer period of time. Because I got Peyton Manning's autograph one time. Did you really? Yeah. When?

Like his rookie year. Whoa. It was like some mini camp shit. I don't know what was going on. It was real early in whatever they were doing. And my dad was like, you want to go see the Colts practice? And I was like, yeah. Don't have a choice, but yeah.

And I just brought, I had a Peyton Manning jersey. I was like, I wonder if hell fuck around and sign it. and we just did it. He signed it through a fence. And I was like, oh my God. Nice. She's all sweaty. Yeah.

Nice. But I think I wore it. And wore off the signature. Yeah, I wore it to school or some shit. Yeah. And it looked like it was a fake signature. And people were like,

that's fake. And I was like, now I don't even know if it happened or not. Nothing more frustrating than when something definitely happened and you're a kid. You have no way other way to prove it. And kids just like, won't believe you. They're just like,

no way. No, I guess you're right. You're like, guess it's dead! And then I think my mom didn't know it was signed and washed it and dried it. And I was like, well, everything's ruined. And yeah, go Colts. Yep, that'll happen.

That'll happen. The old pin in the pants pocket debacle. How many times? Did it the other day. Joey! Oh, God, left the pen in the pants pocket. Or my lunch card, dude. So easy.

Lunch card in the pocket. Yeah, be like, mom, what do you expect for me? Yeah, I go to school all day every day. I'm 10. What do you expect for me to have a pin in my pocket? Yes. I got to keep that shit in my pocket because then all of a sudden, you know, we got to do an assignment and I don't have a pin.

Then I'm the dick wad that's looking around. Cabo pin, come up open, cubbo pin. So it's the worst pen that you borrowed to. Cabo loose leaf. It doesn't have a cap. Oh, it's all dried out. Then you don't want to like put it to your tongue and try to wet it up because it's somebody else's pin.

Oh, I'll go in like that. dude if I borrow a pencil from you guess what is my pencil for the next four hours I'll put that bitch in my shoe like I'll be scratching my back with it and shit I'm like here man here you go and they're like uh always a tough uh tough situation when you would be have a mechanical pencil that you borrowed from somebody and you just don't even remember how it got there but you all of a sudden you find yourself literally just gnawing on it like it's a twizzler you're cleaning your ear with it and then you look up and the person who let you borrow it was kind of checking it out.

You're like, oh, shit. I'll buy a new one, man. No, it's always a girl, too. Always a girl that would be the one that let you borrow it. And then you're just like fucking gnawing on it. Oh, sorry, my blackheads are all over your mechanical pencil. Dude, I borrowed a mechanical pencil from a handicapped kid and did that. And I was, I just totally forgot.

And I was like, here, bro. And he's just staring at me. I was like, so like, you did a good job. been P.E. today. Never mind. Oh, God. Take it. Oh, stupid.

I swear to God, dude. The look he gave me, like, I was the biggest piece of shit ever, and I was like, ooh, yeah. Not because you are. Yeah, for sure. But I'm never giving that pencil back, so. Tell your mom. So your mom, you give my mom dirty looks during the Christmas program.

I don't give a shit. It's my pencil. and it was in my ear. Loose leaf, man. How big of a fucking scam was loose leaf growing up? Not no book paper needs to be a sheet of loose leaf. What? My mom would buy the wide, ruled loose leaf.

I'd be like, ugh. Mama. Fucking this much space between each line. I'd be like, what am I in kindergarten? Big ass. Yes. You have the littlest handwriters. too.

I was like, God, why did I get the fucking preschool paper? That would always happen to me too.

I try to slide it out of the notebook, you know, just rip a piece out and everything and it would just absolutely tear right through the middle.

Like, go to the next one. All right, all right, damn it. Dude, loose leaf paper is kind of hard

to come by in grade school. I probably don't even use it anymore now because it's so like unenvironmentally friendly. Really?

Yeah, I guess it's all like computer shit now? Dude, do kids in school have like laptops? Yeah. They have iPads and shit. I think.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. We're out here using like war tools, bro. Sharpening pencils, dude. Construction paper as book covers? Textbooks. Yeah, I got to cover my book, Mom.

Do you have a paper grocery bag I can borrow? Remember that shit? That was insane. Although one time this eighth grader covered his textbook with like a Hollister paper bag. And that shit went so hard. It just said Hollister like on his social studies book. I was like, that was the Matt Rife of eighth grade.

Oh yeah. You know, just like had it going on, had the jawline. How did you think of that? Every girl thought he was so hot. Oh my guy. Can I like borrow your book?

Nothing like looking inside your book to see who used it before you. I always felt a connection. Like if I got someone cool, like if I got Jason Werner, I'd like, this is like, this is like Harry Potter shit. Yeah.

We share the same powers now because we have this book. We're the same guy, dude. Yeah. You have a hot girl in yours. You're like, we're in love. We're in love.

I'm going to message you. I'm going to show her. I'm going to message her on MySpace and tell her. Hey, me and you, same English book. She's like, I actually got ahead to get a new book that year. I'm like, hmm, well, you know that weird of that has to get like three new textbooks?

Why do we have to write our fucking names in those? I never did. I was always fucking anonymous. That's like, what? I don't, I don't understand that now looking back. This was mine. Oh, because if you tear out 14 pages that they can blame it on somebody. One time I got Sherbert all over a book, dude.

Erase my name out of that thing quick. I was like, you need to do a book. I just found this one. Put down some fucking piece of shit kid that you don't like in there. For sure. God, dude, Ross over here fucked it up.

Been a pain in my ass all year. Ross. Ross. Ross always kind of the rich kid. Really? Yeah. My Ross is rich. I don't know what Ross is.

I know. I know you're Ross. Yeah. You're Ross. But even a Ross from a different school. I'm like, oh, he's rich. My Ross transferred. Ooh.

to wear. Perry. Yeah. Dude is getting some dome in sixth grade. Ross always had Xbox. Okay. I don't know what my Ross had. Besides. Climedia.

Whoops. Rossie boy. Get it checked. Yeah, you always see those people like three years later on Facebook and you're like, man, lots changed. Yeah, every single person. I'm like, ugh.

You have two rings and two earrings in both your ears now? Wow. You ever think about getting earrings? Did you go through like a week? Yeah, I mean, I think everybody probably went through that in high school a little bit. I was always big anti-earing guy. Yeah, that makes sense. But now...

And Schiller have earrings, though? Nah, but now I'm thinking about it. I'm like, you should have. It's probably my fucking fault, dude. Sorry. Yeah. I was just being a dick. Dylan had earrings.

That shit goes so hard. Dude, earrings right now might be the hardest it's ever gone. Are you getting them? No, I'd look like such a bitch. God, man.

I already look pretty bitchy. You're gonna do hoop? What would you do? What would you do? I don't know what I'd do, man. I just, I don't know. I'm not in earring world.

Maybe a hoop. Maybe the Michael Jordan hoop. That's what Dylan had on in Indiana land. That shit. I was like, bro, you're, bro. Cross earring.

I don't even. know you got to be something special to have a cross earring or just a complete fucking guy that's always at the mall you are you either play for the colds or you drink a lot of mound at the greenwood park mall and you have a mustache that like isn't really a mustache yet you go by greenwood high school and try to pick up a chick to take her to mrs curls even though you're 28 ha ha fuck twist with sprinkles Yeah, it's a very either or there. There's not a lot of gray in that situation.

Yeah, it's you're either Lawrence Taylor or your name's Ross. And you got a blow job on a two score in seventh grade. Whoops. Yeah, but what would you rock? What kind of earrings? Diamonds are so out, I think. Maybe it's a little, just a little gold dot. I just can't even like, I'm so far.

out of that realm. I know. I can't even picture my. I can definitely see you with a bunch of different ones. That's not meant to be a diss. You know, it's not something meant to be a compliment, but me, I'm just so white, you know, like. But you rock some, you rock some shit. You do. You're out here rocking shit. Definitely not gauges, Nicola. Definitely not gauge. Wow, that's hilarious. Typed in gauges and fucking lawnmower gauges popped up and shit. Gages got, that, that has to be the weirdest thing. Bro, one thing I never do is fucking pierce my nose, dude.

Wow, how about, I kind of like it when girls have one. Rye has one. My sister, I should make it cool. I should make a, I should make a clarification on this.

The stud in the nose doesn't bother me. The fucking, what is that thing called? Oh, the bowl, the Chicago bowl? The septum. The septum. Yes, the septum shit.

I hate that. You know it's gross. The word septum is gross. Exactly, man. Yeah, yeah, the Chicago Bowl, man. Jesus. I'm like, hey, you're revving up?

You're gonna come attack me? Do I need to get a fucking blanket and Zorro your ass? All right, Scotty Pippin. Back up. Right when they walk in. At guard from North Carolina. Deer Neonio-Neo-N-N-N-N-N-U-N-N-U-N-N-W.

The problem child. Number five and a family of six looking for attention. He got put in the hallway today because he's a piece of shit. Number 69. Yeah, you got your septum pierce. Can't tell if he wants to talk about it or not.

Yeah. The no stud thing, it's like, you know. Looks good. It looks good. You can't even, you know, most of the time it's on one side. you're like, whoa, I didn't even realize that. Guys with it, though? Bulls.

What about a, what about the, the ring, like, not the septum in the middle, but like the ring, like a Dennis Rodman ring? Yeah. Not bad. Yeah, but again, you got to be a certain. Yeah. Yeah, but you got to have a certain something going on, you know. For a girl or a guy.

Todd from accounting can't walk in with a hoop ear ring. Damn, Todd. Hoop nose ring. Somebody got laid. What's going on here, Todd? Can't tell if you. had sex, Todd, in the past 17 hours. Thanks. I don't know. You know, to Easter on. I got tattoos all up and down my arm.

You know, some people who have their stuff and pierce. I'd be like, uh, tattoos. Tatoos. So, who knows? Tattoo gang and, uh, piercing gang, kind of like family, right? Yeah. Do you guys do like the Jeep wave when he's each other? We just, we just do a real hard, uh, bowl, blow. Um, um, Yeah, why don't you get these tattoos? You got such a temple for it, you know? Man, I can't make a decision. I can't decide.

I tell people this all the time. I think people overthink it way too much. Yeah. I can't even decide what bread I want at Subway. That's true. Yeah. You know, sometimes you're just like, you know what? I think this is cool.

I like this. I may not like, you know, and then you just go for it and do it. It's not that big of a deal. Yeah, I know. Everybody's like, man, it's going to mean so much. Like somebody has to die. I'm like, no, I don't know. It's a lot.

Yeah, I don't know, man. Because I'm like, whoa, what if I got that tattoo? I think about that sometimes. Then like three months later, I'm like, wow, that would have been so fucking embarrassing. Yeah, with your sisters, probably best for you never to do any of that shit. Never to do anything ever.

Pretty much. But I feel like they would have tattoos. Maybe. Colo, do you have any tattoos? What? Let me see. Sleeve on your leg? Why you're doing full sleeve in the summer?

Show the clubhouse, baby. Oh, a little lightning bolt. What's that? What the fuck is that? Oh, I see it. Now it's like a Phantom of the Opera type of deal. See, you didn't have any meeting behind those, right? You just did it.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that'll get me. Yeah, I love it. Yep. Every good story starts with me and my friend down at Little Five. That's always good. Always good. coming out of that.

Leg tats. I've thought about it. Me too. I've thought about it for sure. It looks so cool. Calf. When you're just like... Back of the calf.

Yeah. Yeah. Just thighs. Cheeks has a bunch of leg tattoos. It's not bad. Like big ones. Underrated body location. Yeah.

Just a shamrock on my ankle like a high school football coach. Uh-huh. Get a chop. Hey, shamrock or a Superman logo? Superman logos. How about those running the planet Earth? Whoa. Maybe that's what you get burpee boy. See, I can get down with that. Hey, right above, right above your knees.

Burpee boy. It's got to be so people can read it. We go left to right. So you got burpee and then B-O-I. I'd be so into that. Not bad. And I'll do it tonight. We're short. It's small enough. You always got pants, you know, shorts, whatever. And like the real tattoo font. No. Is it these guys font? B-O-I, though, of course.

Got to. Boy. See, I'm jealous of you with the pecks that you got because that's a great place to get cool tattoos in my opinion. But I got like real flabby like man titties and shit. So I can't like get it on there because then it'll like my nipple will flip up and like it's just weird. What would you get on your chest? Because I'm always like, I thought about a bunch of different shit, man. I think about a bunch of different.

You know, it's like such a good, you know, because like I want to get a big one of like IMS Indy 500 theme. And this would be a great area to like work with. You know what I mean? A lot of canvas there. A lot of canvas. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So, I mean, you know, shoulder arm.

You could use something like that for sure. But. Wow, Tony Kinnon. That's pretty sweet. Tony Kinnon. Wow, that's really cool, actually. Too bad. I'm not going to win the Indy 500.

So I can't do that. Shoulder tat? Not bad. I remember Dan, this was always a big deal. That was kind of hard for like one year. Yeah. Always in that certain kind of font. Yeah.

Like a super tattoo font. Like a Thai font. Like, uh, yeah, like what, what the menu would be like at a Thai restaurant? What that font would look like going down in this back part? Tattoos make me hungry. There's some good inspiration here because for my 30th, I'm thinking it's been two years since I've gotten one, man. You gotta get the bricks.

It's been two years since I've gotten a tattoo. I really am. I like, I need to get another one. I don't know about tattoos here. Because like you twist and then all of a sudden it's like, wait.

Yeah. I don't hate it though. That's just like the most painful place to get it. One of the most painful places to get it on your ribs. Everybody's first question. Did it hurt? Did it hurt? Yes, you idiot.

Has anyone been like, nope, not at all? It kind of feels good though. I bet. I think you would really dig it. It kind of feels good. It's one of those pains that like it hurts, but like it's like... Kind of like it. Good.

Yeah. It's like with somebody's running over your foot or like, you know, smacks your ass too hard. You're like, oh, yeah. God. Do it again. What? Sorry. So maybe for the 30th coming up.

I'll do something like that. We'll see. I like those traditional tats too. I got my son. I got my son too. So probably should put him before in Indianapolis, Mother's Speedway. Frank, boy.

What's more important, you know? Big, big ham ball that he is. Big ham and cheese. Love that big butterball. Butterball Frankie boy. Oh, yeah. There's a big old hoss. Big old cheesy grin.

Getting his first tooth and shit. No way. It's about time, bro. Where is it? Where is it? Right the front. So baby. Like bottom left.

Like when you think of baby, it's like that one. tooth on the bottom kind of off-centered and that's exactly what he has. Hi. Super baby. If I was drawing a baby, I'd just draw Frank. So Tommy Pickles, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Why can I hear out of my right ear? Just happened to me too. I wasn't going to say anything. It's freaking me out. As long as the audio's coming through. All right. That's your son right there. Literally.

What's the, what do? Oh, we're back. That feels good. What are we talking? What are we talking this week? I have no idea. Oh shit.

We've talked tattoos. We've talked tattoos. We've talked famous people. I don't know. We've got to keep rolling for a little bit. I can't really think right now. What would your comedy club be called? The funny bone.

Knee sloppers, man. That's awesome. I love it. Who has a tattoo that you hate? Athletes with the best tattoos? I can't even think. I just feel like every athlete has tattoos. Like I can't even like specify which one that I'm like, oh, yeah.

I love a football player with like the city he grew up in's like baseball logo on him. I don't know why that goes hard. Javi Baez had the Major League Baseball logo tattooed on the back of his neck. Like you know how on the jerseys? Yeah. They have the logo on the top of the jersey. Yeah. Barbie boy

He had it tattooed on the back of his neck Like right there So it was just like That is insane So MLB Before he made it to the Biggs Oh okay Yeah

So that's where he was like Oh And now he kind of sucks What just said Does he? Yeah Well Hobby Bayes has really fell off Man

What a story Yep Oh The old The old city mashup there. Yeah, yeah. Who's not thinking of that first thing? The Celtics

body, the Patriots head, the Red Sox. What should I get? How about every guy ever is having a clock on them? Really? Just every single guy has a clock tattoo on them. How about every athlete having some variation of a lion?

We get it. On their chest, on their shoulder. We get it. On their bag. You're ferocious. You're an alpha. You have a lot of Pride. The king of the jungle. We know every single high school football players banner on Twitter. Just post that as an Instagram photo with a caption that's like a clock ticking.

Same guy. Everybody. Lion Rose Clock. Hey, I got a new tattoo. So Felipe Franks. Lion Rose Clock. Got a tattoo. What's up?

What you talk to me now? it's always the it's always like the five-star recruit that really flames out in college you know it's like 17 has a giant lion most realistic lion tattoo ever on his shoulder like oh he's gonna be third string on his third team that he transferred to by the time he's uh junior who's paying for that Auburn like how do people in high school have like the dopish shit sometimes. A few NCAA violations. That's how. I love it. I liked it when it was dirty, bro. Oh yeah. Like Ohio State was selling their game worn jerseys and helmets and shit so they could get tattoos. That was sexy. Who wouldn't do that? Now they're just out here to get making deals and we

can look at up how much money they're making. I'm like, I want to under the table info. Benning Pellitzi wife. What is this? Benning. Pellitsi tattoo. This is the craziest Google search ever. Is there an artist that is named to you? Oh, my ex was a tattoo artist. No, don't do it. Don't do it.

I cannot wait to see this. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it means do it right now. It's me. It's me on my ass. I'm like,

It's all going to be like Reddit fuckers. They're just like, look at this pussy's tattoos. They suck. Hate them. Fuck you. I love Reddit. Nah, I spoil it for it. That's it.

That's what it is. I always love that. Sometimes people will be like, yeah, this video is as bad as your tattoos. I'm like, you're looking that hard at him? Jesus. Somebody wants a kiss for me. Love that. You're looking at you.

Damn, dude. You're zooming in on my arms? Dude, I played it in. a I played in a golf league last week. No, uh, yeah. Like, what does that mean? Filled in. Oh.

My buddies do a golf league once a week. Could not be me. Really, how'd you do? Oh, yeah, you're kind of good. I mean, I'm playable. Yeah, you can fill in. You can fill in, dude. You're the guy to call for filling for sure in golf.

I'll get, you know, if we're playing like best ball, I'll get you like the drive, you know, that you need. And then everybody else do everything. else but filled in there I felt so dad man it was Thursday night and I was like yeah I'm gonna go play a quick nine and then I'm gonna go grab a couple with the fellers I was like man am I looking at the next 40 years of my life how beautiful was it though oh it's great it's great time you know never felt better had some beers rolling into the weekend you know it's good bad babysitter bro there's a lot of them well it's like not like bad babysitter but you know it's

like well I mean your folks are in town It's like, yeah, but my parents are like, they don't have any kids now. Like, they love their grandson, but like, they don't want to commit 38 hours to just watching their nine-month-old grandson who's probably going to be freaking out because his mom's not around half the time. I feel like that's all parents do now. Just watch kids. Just fucking give them to the parents for three and a half weeks.

I don't know, man. I just like, they just kept stacking up, you know? It's like, and I think that's the product of my environment of, why I'm like, what the fuck? It's because it's like I have literally five and all five of them in the next three months are no kid. And if it was just like one or maybe two, I'd be like, all right, yeah, whatever, no big deal. Giving my parents for a night or whatever.

I'm like, go to the wedding and be good. You start running out of options, dude. You're putting out an ad right now? Anybody, anybody who's trying to babysit? You want to watch a super cute Gerber baby with one tooth. With one tooth who likes Elmo a lot. Hit us up, dude. These guys clubhouse.

Hit me up with the email. Team these guys at gmail.com. What are the rates, Doug? Give you a shout out on Instagram. This babysitter is lit. DM or if you need some. Swipe up. Swipe up to get.

Wow. Is there a fucking app? That's kind of creepy. An app for babysitters? Yeah. But you'd want like somebody you know. Yeah. I mean, one would think, you know, yeah,

it's not like Rover. Right. And with like dogs. You know what I mean? That's kind of probably is. Yeah, but then you look at the reviews and you kind of,

some of you have meeting, you know, you go, all right, let's check it out. Make sure you're not some psycho serial killer. Five star babysitter.

Can you look that up real quick, Nicole? They got a rover for babies. Do they have a roll? It's just your mom pops up. Up.

Your young toddler would love to go roving on this rover rider buggy board. Nope. No, just type in babysat. Just type in babysit.

app. Here we go. SEO, man. Keywords. No, not is there a... Come on, baby.

Google doesn't give a shit about your grammar. Babysitter app. Care.com. Whenever you need a babysitter, like care. com,

browse, rates, experience, and more. Hire a babysitter. Oh, wow. Wow. So they really do. All right.

46202 this bitch. Whoops. It's all right. For 6202. Oh wow, that's where you live. Right now. Wow, who's just on care.com? Just wait.

One time sitter. This is crazy. I can't believe you hadn't had to sign into anything yet. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, see, this is the problem. Child one. Name Frankie Boy. Name Mr. Noodle.

Is that what you call him in shit? Mr. Noodle. I go, hey, Mr. Nudel. That's what Elmo does. bro and he laughs and giggles and it warms my heart and it's the best he's probably easy to babysit would you think yeah but he's just like with his mom and dad all the time so after like an hour or two hours from not being with his mom and dad he's like who the fuck are you people and what's going on he's the way wait a second this was fun for a bit but now where the fuck is my mom's going on here

I know what you're doing and I don't like it where's my fucking dad not even me man man, just his mom. Doesn't even know who you are. He's just like, hey, that's a weird Mr. noodle guy. He's always screaming at me. Where's my mom? He's fun.

Where's my mom? Okay, there she is. Good, good, good. Yeah. So, I mean, look, if I didn't have five back to back to back to back, to back, you know, it would be fine. I get it to your day, whatever. But it's just like,

whatever. Holy cow. I didn't know that this was like. You're in that time. I didn't know. Well, yeah, I am. But I just, I generally, I guess I'm just, more like that's just the standard now.

Like I used to, it would be like, like I said, if you got a no kid wedding invite, you're like, oh shit, this girl's dad is the CEO of Eli Lilly and like the president's going to be there. Now everyone just does it. So it's like, oh, okay, this is the standard. I haven't gotten a wedding invite in years, bro. I just need to be like you. I just need to openly just, mm, nope. You come to my wedding?

Here's the thing. Oh wow, chat GPT. This is wild. I never use this before. This is crazy, bro. This should be a segment on our podcast. That's a good, that's a good timeline there. This will know. Dude, Chad GPT. If you have a tenant, what? Hire a trusted babysitter. Okay. Okay. Not really revolutionary answer there. Consider splitting responsibilities. Speak with the wedding couple.

Hey, we got to bring our kid. I am interested to try that though. Hey, we got to bring our kid or we can't come. Ooh, hit them with that. How bad do you want me? And I guarantee you all of them would say, oh, I'll like it. And we'd be turned away.

Hey, perfect. Sorry. Sorry, we have a kid. Yeah, that's always a funny response to it. I didn't ask you to have a kid. I didn't fucking ask you to get married. Ooh, man. I would love to say that to someone.

Dude, I think you go with that. I think that's a move. Hey, we got to bring our kid. Or sorry, we can't go. We completely understand either way. Boom. Sorry, man. Then we got to make the exception for everyone.

Well, happy divorce. That's the funny part, though, is that there is a handful of them where the exception's already been made and there are going to be kids there. That's probably what you got to break down the wall. You just ask. They're fucking giving in.

That's not a plate that they have to pay for. A baby plate. Whatever. Maybe he'll scream once. It's a weird, it's a weird dynamic. Like I said at the moment, it just hit me over the head like a two by four. That's just the standard now is that no kids because I got married four years ago. And it was like, yeah, of course.

Like, you know. And I was at weddings four years ago. I was like, yeah, I wedding kids. Bring them. Now that's not the case. We will not be coming to the wedding. Check. All right.

We got to figure out something for the clubhouse. Yeah, no. Worst babysitter experience. Go. In the comments? Maybe an email? Comments are cracking. What was the first thing?

I said we had tattoo. We had famous people. We had... There was something else at the beginning of the show that we were talking about. That was very commenty. Nicole, you got a rundown? No, no, no, no, no.

The, the rundown of our show. You keep the rundown. Is there something at the beginning? It's like a timestamp from, it's all we talk about now. Pee, Pee, fiends. You know what? We got the email. Hey, let's just, we'll put it in, we'll think of it, and we'll put it in the comments.

Okay. Yeah, you know what I mean? That's fine. So watch for the comments. Watch for the comments. Email us. We'll let you know. We'll let you know.

These guys at gmail.com. If you need advice or anything, whatever you need, just go to team these guys' Gmail. Or like our friends that did earlier in the show. And they're just like saying stuff that they thought about the show and that they wanted to, they said slap my ass. And that's good too. You can say anything and end it was slap my ass. We're like it. Yes, we're good. We got 25 subscribers until we hit that 1K. So send it to five friends again or three, you know, hopefully five or three. And let's hit that number. We love the clubhouse. We love, wow, possible segments and topics for the podcast can include a weekend.

Wow, this is going crazy here. We appreciate it. And, yeah, we'll talk to you next week. And we love you. See the next time. Bye-bye. These guys. Bye.