THESE GUYS! - Livestreaming a Funeral

Episode Date: October 13, 2022

welcome to THESE GUUUUYS on this pod Ben & Joey talk about getting broken up with at an apple orchard, plus ones ruining weddings, dudes not being able to carve pumpkins and their top5 emojis 🔔 YouTube https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCks0zMVeSNG0TJVxWKpjwsw

Extra Extra! Those kids now just grew up to be the Jesus guys on the corner. Just screaming into the mics. Oh, Jesus. Hey, Ben, talking the mic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was talking to the mic.

Yeah, keep going. Extra, extra! They just turn into the fucking beer guys at football games. Call beer! Read all about it! That guy's got the orange drink from McDonald's. That looks awesome. Oh, that high sea?

Oh, the high sea is so good. That always made me. sick. Joey, talking about Mike? Mike check one, too. I love some high sea orange from McDonald's. Why to make you sick? It's just like, too much sugar? I think I was drinking it at the wrong times. Like, maybe

when, like, I was in the car for too long and I'd take a sip and it was, like, I always had too much of it. I feel like you couldn't have high C for McDonald's in like a medium-sized cup. It was always like, the biggie drink. Yeah, and then by the time you got down to the last quarter of it, you were like, yeah,

I got way too much sugar in me. And you're like, I got a piss. That makes sense. I like try to dehydrate myself now before I go on a road trip. Like I had to go to St. Louis the other night. I totally forgot St. Louis was four hours away. The worst bathroom break time. Like three hours and 45 minutes to four hours.

Yeah, that's when it was four hours. Can I hold it or can I not? I had to get gas and go to the bathroom so bad when I was 10 minutes away from the comedy club. I was like, God damn it. I'm not going to. make it by 10 minutes. That is frustrating. It's like the beauty of going on like a road trip like that.

It's like not too far, but it's like manageable four hours on the way back. It's like midnight and you're like, shit, there's only one thing to do now. Just get three pounds of Taco Bell because there's nothing else open. It's like the guiltiest pleasure.

I'm like, what am I supposed to do? I'm starving. Gotta eat. Yeah. And then just listen to like the weirdest songs on your fucking iPhone. Just listen to coast to coast. I was,

dude, I was thumbing through the weirdest stations. I was listening to like play-by-play NHL talk. I was like, what could they possibly be talking about? Wait, snipe silly? Oh my God, I was going to fucking text you about that the other day, but I was like,

it's too far gone. What was that? What does that? Dude, all hockey references are just, I don't even know. I think it was, like, five years ago. This is some deep spress cut, but it was, we always joked about like Nick Maraldo, maybe. I think him. You know they've probably listened. I know.

I can't remember which one. It's not even there anymore. But like they did a hockey show. And so we always joked about it because me and Ben obviously know nothing about hockey. All right. Thanks, man. But that's just some deep cut. You hear Snipes Sely. You know that's from a while. Snipes Silly. It's an insider and just laugh.

I was like, I sent you that. I was like, yeah, what if we dropped this espresso merch? And then there's like a cup on the front. I was like, check out the back. It just had Snipe Selly on the back. You're like, what, though? How coffee drunk at 3 a.m. were you? Oh, that's the best, best worst ever.

Remember, I used to, like, send you scripts of, like, Johnson and Schmiddy stuff at, like, 3 a.m. And everything can be spelled wrong. Oh, yeah. John's non. Johnson on here. Maybe that's just what you should be from now on, John's on. I can't, like, unsee it when I see Johnson. I just see Johnson on.

So funny. Now the football season's back and every now, yeah, of course, every team has a Johnson on it. Like the Steelers. there's Deontay Johnson. Johnson. So every time I hear it, it just, it's great. So this is a little bit of a new reincarnation of the OG espresso. I don't know if people know, but espresso started with me and Joey.

And we were like, you know what? Let's make some videos. We want to do funny shit. Let's do some funny videos and stuff like that. And a couple weeks down the road, we were like, you know what, maybe we should do a podcast. It was longer than a couple weeks. It was like a couple, maybe a year. It was like a year.

year after doing videos. Yeah. But it wasn't, weren't we hung up on like, who gives shit what we have to say? Yeah, definitely, but we flipped it.

We were like, if we do videos first and like make people laugh, oh, so we wanted to do a podcast first, maybe. We talked about it, but you were definitely out. I was like,

I don't really want to, but I don't really know what else to do. Yeah. And then we were both, we were like, well, what if we flip the script here

and we do the videos first and we get people to think we're funny and like follow us and like us. And then all of a sudden, we're like, oh, by the way,

the way it's got to go. And people are like, oh wait, I watched them. They're funny. Like, I'll listen because I watch them instead of just being like, hey, guys, this is another podcast. Give us a like and subscribe. I don't get that, though. People who start podcasts without like any who, who. That's everybody. That's everybody. That's everybody, bro. Damn. All right. At least we had some sense. So that was like 27. It was like a five years. We're making it here. We're coming full circle. They have five year Annie. Yeah. And then we started doing the pod every week on top of the videos. Burpee boy.

That's a throwback for the OG expresses. I love you burpee boy. Whoa. That felt good. That felt good. And then we were like and then, you know, the pandemic hit and I got hired by bar stool and I was like moving to New York. And then it was just all, you know, I can't like do that show still.

Yeah. I think our last espresso show was here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We had the state, Miss Indiana. Oh, that was a really long time ago.

Dude, I think she's in the WWE now. Yeah. Did you hear about that or did you tell me that? No, I just, I think Riley, like, it'll show. I think Riley still follows her or something and it'll show up. And she's like, what the fuck is this girl? That's insane. She was dipping into everything.

Yeah. She was doing a little bit of stand up. She was like Miss America damn near and now she's in the WDWE. That was our last show. Got hired by Barstool. I like couldn't, you know, I like work for them. And you're like, I can't. Yeah.

I like worked for them. So I couldn't like, but I do want to say, I did. multiple, multiple on record. And I think you know this. But I tried, tried my ass off to get you to have them be like, hey, like me and Ben, we should be like a fan of here. We should do this. And they just.

I think there was a little. Yeah, you brought it up a few times that I was like, but if it's not hitting, it's not hitting it. Yeah. I don't want to. You know, that's how it went. And then like two years is up. And now I come back. I mean, I never left because everything and I'm in Indy.

And I do want to talk about that. I would hop on espresso every now and then with Ben because he kept it going, which is great. And yeah, you just be like, come on the show. So I come on once every like around our holidays, like our typical shit. Perfect. And then now, I mean, it's like five years later from when we started all this shit up. And then we were just talking about it. I was like, I was like, bro, I miss doing stuff together. And you're like, yeah, I miss working together. Let's do it. And so here we are. This is it. So we got espresso still. That's kind of my solo pod. And then this one is, uh, it's going to be a new thing. Me and Joey.

These guys. Every week. These guys. It's not all just dad punts. Even though you want it to be. Even though I want it to be deep down. It's a little version of like an espresso, OG espresso 2.0. Some people know what I'm talking about. Some people don't. But yeah, it should be good.

For sure. Thank you. Great call on the C4, man. You woke up. I woke up. I needed it. Zero sugar. That's great.

It's a deal on the can, dude. It's a deal. Look at those stats. That's what I'm saying. Man, when you look at the nutrition facts and you see all zeros, I don't care what it is. I love it, man. Put it down the gullet. And it saved me another walk to a coffee place to spend more money because I've already gotten three coffees today.

What's the most? How much do you spend on coffee here? And do you make it at home? Dude, I do. Yeah. Really? Make coffee usually every morning at home sometimes. But then I like to treat myself and especially see what it is.

It's like we talked about on the express, but it's like weather. It gets you in this bitch mode. This is good ass weather. Yeah, but it gets you in a mode to go be like coffee influencer bitch. And so you're like, I want to go to a coffee shop and I want to sit there. It's such a tree, dude. It's the grown up like happy meal. For sure.

Great call. It's like, uh, man, it's just, why is it so good? And it's not even that good. What's even more wild though is like if you look at just like other coffee shops around me, if you just search coffee shops near me, that's not Starbucks, it's a playground. What do you mean? Oh, yeah. Have you been to... Actually, there's one like a... I forget what it's called. Farrler, maybe. Oh, yeah. Dude.

Crazy. I just want to live there. You probably could. They have like an upstairs. No, they have like upstairs bungalow. They never find you. Just in a hammer for two months. Awake the whole time because it's coffee. You're just the coffee shop mascot just up there. And everybody's like, who's the fuck? I wanted to be at a point in my life. Yeah, definitely. Who didn't? Definitely us, man. I was like, should we? I don't know. But then I was like, no, we shouldn't. Do you like, oh, sorry. No.

Do you like local coffee shops versus, this is really on brand versus like Starbucks? Oh, yeah. You do like you like them better? I think I found that I do and that's not breaking ground. But what always got me is like if I posted like a Starbucks drink on my Instagram story, it was like a Q&A type of thing, I'd get multiple people that'd be like, weren't you like shopping local for coffee? I was like, oh, right.

I'm like, it's right here. I have the app, right? I got that drink for free probably. Just get off my ass, right? Yeah, I got the stars, bitch. You want to see my app? But like, when you go to like just like a local joint that's not big corporate, I found that does taste better.

They put a little more care into it, don't they? A little more care. A little smile at the end. Those Starbucks people are nice though, but man, they get taken advantage of. Yeah. Yeah. Remember when you were like, you were like trying to be a Starbucks barista for a bit?

Was I? Not trying. to it. Like you could have been, but you were like, you know, because you were doing stand-up and you're like, I just like need something that like, yeah, just like doing. But I wonder if I could have survived, man, as a barista. I think you hit it with what you were doing at the Eagle. That was perfect for you. Yeah, it was just like, like a waiter, you know, pleasing the crowd, probably getting some nice tips from the moms. No, it's not good. Batchelette parties. Being a dude server isn't the move. Why? Because they like right when I walked to.

table, they're like this fucking douche, you know. And like, no, and it's all guys going to restaurants. Like, you know. Yeah, it's all dudes. No. When like, when like a pretty like girl goes up to their table, they're tipping, bro. But when I walk up to their table, they're like, oh, this fucking guy. I give him like six bucks. I was like, God damn. All right, bet. I'll take it. I was going to say, but like, would you, how would you adjust your game? How would you audible here? Uh, you're like, your, like, your game. plan when you went up to a table of say four guys no four guys oh like get some brews yeah i'd try to be i'd be i'd relate it to all my experiences going to a restaurant and half of those

experiences are with my dad and every time a server comes up to the table with me and my daddy he's just like jesus christ like this this guy won't shut the hell up so every time i approach a table with a bunch of dudes i'm just like what are they thinking right now oh they probably think i'm annoying. So I try to get in and out. I'm like, what do you guys need? You good? You're good sitting here? And they'd be like, yeah, let's get four of these. I'd be like, I'd be like, I wouldn't fucking. Okay. I'd just be like, boom, peace. Gotcha. This is what you want? Bye.

Like, I just get the fuck out of the way. Because you're such a, like, charming, charismatic guy to me, I would be like, oh, Ben would definitely try to like, you know, get in with the Joe, you know, obviously. It doesn't know. It depends on the audience. You got to warm it up with them. And then some tables would be, you know, like some younger dudes, like I think I might know. They might know me.

And then you kind of, that's where. you work the room a little bit. Would you wait? Would you wait for like the, you know, because the first time, you're not going to have too many people who are being aggressive. That would be like,

Johnson. No, but like, oh, really? See, because I think of it like, they kind of like. Are you Johnson?

I got that so many times. Like for moms and stuff, I'd be like, maybe. Play mysterious with them. Yeah. I'd be like, I don't really have to do social media.

And they'd be like, I don't know. And I'd walk away. They'd be like, we saw you on our phone. Right. You'd come back. back. That's what I'm saying. Because I think of it like the first time everybody's kind of like, wait a second. And then you leave and then they're all like, and then you come back and they're still kind of like maybe one of them will drop a little like this guy. You know, something they know to make you know that you know. But then by the third time, like when you bring the food, definitely after food move. After food moves the best. Because it's over. Once you drop the main core, see you later. Right. Because they're too afraid. They're like, what if it's not Johnson? And then it's like second time he comes back. Then it's weird as shit.

shit, you know? But then once the food's down there, like, fuck it, we're out of here anyways. Just guy! Dude, it was actually really fun working there. It was hard. Working at a restaurant is the hardest thing I've ever known in my life. Yeah, why do you think there's so many fucking TV shows about it? Why do you think everybody just fucking smokes at them?

Right. All the workers? God damn it. Yeah, dude. I'm like, do you really even like smoking? They just go, no, I just needed a break. I need it. Yeah, dude.

my wife's best friend is a she's like a superstar bartender at three up i don't know if it's oh shit no local local like pretty high end bar around town and she yeah it's like she likes it but it's like physically demanding too you're on your feet all the fucking time it's wild how that works you know i was a bartender for like a day and they're like nah i was like free drinks to people. Oh, I was such a frat boy, dude. Just,

can I get a vodka, cranberry? I was like, on the house. Yeah, yeah, take it. I don't care.

I'm not counting back here. Right. I got plenty of it. The bar of $1,000. I was like, oh, okay. Probably shouldn't be a bartender.

Yeah, my first bartending shift ever just during the first Colts game of the year at home. I was like, dude. That's just, hey,

throwing your right to the fire. Let's see what police he's got. It's just like, what is this? Dude, my fucking football team. Let's throw him out there and see what he can do. It's like, uh, not good. Orange case on the phone, huh?

Texas orange, burn orange? It's, I just, what's the deal? I was rocking black for so long. Yeah. And it just, black was too normal. And then I saw this was kind of popping off the shelf at the Apple store.

And I was like, you know what? How does, how do you see something popping off? Is it just a limited supply? So that's what drew your eye to it? Well, I mean, Apple store, all the cases. are right there, you know? And this was just, it's like a lot,

but it's not a lot too. And I like the leather. Because I don't like the silicone cases because they get stuck in your pocket. How annoying is that? And then you got to rip it out and your pocket's inside out for 20 minutes.

It looks so bad. You never know if the wallet came out and the money clip. All that shit. But yeah, I like the leather. You always have the most up-to-day-ass phone. No, this isn't.

The new one came out. I'm behind, bro. I just remember you used to have like literally three phones. You record on one. Do videos on another. I have three right now. One's cracked as fuck. What's that one for? What's the use? I think I use it during like one of those throwback videos, like getting ready for a party in 2008. And I like bring out an old iPhone or something like that. Yeah. Is your dad holding on to the flip phones? Is you still using a flip phone? That's one time I texted them. Yeah, for that one video that was like, you know, just 2004, some shit.

like that. I was like, do you have your old flip phone anywhere? And he's like, uh, I think, but I knew in his head he knew exactly where the fuck it was. He's like, let me see if I can dig it up. Let me go to the old junk drawer. He's like, it might be in, uh, my closet upstairs in the shoebox and the dresser on the back right side under the, I'm like, do you know exactly where the fucking open up this shoebox? There's like 16 flip phones in there. I was like, oh, literally took my breath away, dude. Just antiques. They're all so dope, though. Like when you open them up, you get that snap. Oh, shit.

Did you ever used to try to like balance it to where it would stay open, but it wouldn't be fully flat out? You know what I mean? Like it would kind of be at like an acute angle. A cute angle. You got 60 degrees. Yeah. You keep it right there for as long as you could.

And then like you kind of wait for it and it fully. And you're like, ah. Just like when you open the can. Yeah. That kind of sound. No, I feel you. Or like you're trying to open it. see when the screen actually turns on.

Yeah. Oh, there it is. So, like, when it's like halfway. Yeah. Did that with a refrigerator the other day. I was like, God, hey, just wanted to know. For my records. You should try to beat the refrigerator light.

Yeah. Got you. Got you. Fucking food in there in a Pixar movie. Like, damn it he got it. Yeah, that's what I think every time. You bitch is really talking? What's up with the tomatoes?

Tomatoes, man. I want to throw those at people. What's up with people wanting to throw? Like, this is so, like, Jerry Seinfeld. Say it, say it. But I always thinking. Why tomatoes? Is it just because they explode?

What? Dude, do you ever see that growing up? Like, I always saw, like, a shitty stand-up comedian on stage and the whole crowd. Oh, yeah, that's what he's saying. He's like, tomatoes are all, he's saying, like, why are tomatoes always the food? Why is that the thing? Wouldn't it be great? Because it wouldn't hurt that bad, but it would have a huge impact.

I guess, yeah. Like, throwing a tomato, like, at somebody, like, if you're just staying in there with your shirt off, somebody throws a tomato out your chest. It wouldn't hurt, but it'd be like, yeah, it's a mess. It really looks like a, it's degrading kind of. Yeah. Maybe that's it. A bruised one though? Just the mess that thing would make. Like I just, that's the first thing I think of when I see a bruised tomato. I'm like, oh, the thing. The fucking whirling that at some bag of somebody's head. I was at the apple orchards the other day. Oh, Jesus. And like my sister-in-law was there. And there's a bunch of field trips that were happening.

little kids, probably like seven to ten years old. What a bomb-ass field trip. That's what I said. I was like, I said to one I was like, field trip at an apple orchard is such a throwaway day for everybody. Oh, you know, the teachers are like, fuck yeah, field trip day. Even if it was a Friday and you were a teacher, that Thursday,

they all get plastered the night before. Because you're going to, you go to apple orchard you can get all those snacks that they have, fucking elephant ears, apple biscuits, right? Apple biscuits. They have so much shit at apple orchards. insane. But what I was saying is like, that's such a throwaway day. And but my sister-in-law was like, no, it could be like pretty educational. Like I learned some stuff. I was like, really? All I would think about is just fucking launching an apple at a tree. That's it, dude. That's all I would think

about. I want to explode this right to a base of a tree. I went to the apple orchard with the girl I used to date. That was kind of the last straw. Because that's exactly what I did. We got there right when I go there. I was like, hey, can you film me real quick? I'm going to make a tick. talk. Done. Just fucking threw an apple right at the fence, exploded all over the fence. How about,

I was thinking about that too, like when we were in high school, I don't even know if it still is, but like when we're in high school, that was such like a monumental date. Like if you saw on Facebook, and somebody posted a picture of them with their girl or their guy

at the apple orchard, you're like, damn, that's for real. That's for real. They're definitely. They're doing shit. They're doing shit together. Yeah. I was like, wow. They might be meeting. Like, he might be going to family Thanksgiving. Did people do that in high school? Go to family shit? Yeah. Oh yeah. Like the serious ones. Damn. I don't think I remember that. So in high school, like, if you were dating someone, you'd go to their Christmas. I don't even touch it now. That's what you're saying. That would freak me out, dude.

because I think it's how like my family like when one of my cousins brought their like girlfriend or whatever to my Thanksgiving it would do all my cousins would just be like

yeah we just roast them the whole time and my cousin that brings the girl would like be in on it you'd be like guys I know I know yeah

oh yeah dude with the apple orchard that was a mind that like the pun it would go and like you know okay are they

if she wearing his jersey on football, like the first football game. Oh, yeah. The progression of are they dating? Then the apple orchard. Wow. All right. Then the pumpkin patch fall break.

Right. Pumpkin patch apple orchard kind of like a tandem. They are, but at the same time, like you could squeeze two dates out of those because you can go to Apple Orchard like mid to late September like I did this week. But the pumpkin patch ain't open until like the very end of September October. You can squeeze two dates out of that. Dude. Always trying to get a deal.

Guys are always trying to get two out of this. I get two. That counts a separate, right? Yeah, exactly. That's why you try to go to the apple orchard, September 20th, and then you go to the pumpkin patch like October 8th. What's the Christmas? Oh, what's the Christmas date, though?

It's Christmas at the zoo, baby. Oh, shit. Dude, what crossed my mind? I don't think I've ever been to Christmas at the zoo. Is it, hey, is it lit? I haven't either, bro. Really? Yeah.

surprisingly. What the fuck? I mean, it's so cold outside. Who's walking around? Girls get so cold. Bro, it's all for the picture.

You get hot chocolate. Dude, girls really just suck it up for the picture, bro. Girls were nothing for the picture. Dude, the date where you had to fucking carve a pumpkin,

ugh. I know. Dude, your pumpkin always sucked. Right? Like the way you designed it and never looks how you... Oh, I'm gonna do this one.

I saw this one online. And then it looks. fucking horrible. Yeah, you always think you're gonna crush it, dude. When you're like, when you're like, when you're on penciling it in, you're like, oh, this is it. Look at my shit. Then you start cutting it out. And you're like, oh my God, it has a lazy eye. Never do it right, you know, but then the girls is perfect. Oh, all messy. How come girls are so good at that shit? Right? Just organically. I know. They know how to like write in straight lines. Right. I don't know. The messy pumpkin. Come on.

The paper or the other papers all over the ground. It's going to look better than yours. that mine looks better in yours captioned I'll bet you I'll bet you this or that you know mine looks better in yours mine looks like

complete fucking shit the caption is just like yeah with the photo where you're sitting on the front porch and you both have your pumpkins and you're like I'm gonna cry I'm gonna cry

I still like him even though he can't cover a pumpkin very well silly face tongue out face he was going to give you a applause break luckily dude you could go so many different

keep going keep going keep going give us another one yeah the crowd wants it give us another one in that weird creepy voice give us another one shit now I'm frozen

his pumpkin was a spookiest thing I've seen this year now that was bad his pumpkin may look bad but he's so handsome. Oh, God. This pumpkin's ugly.

His pumpkin's ugly, but luckily he's handsome. Like, bashful, flirty face. Yeah. Dude. Then the dude.

Oh, dude. Then you have to comment. Then you have to comment on the post. Oh, no, that's why emojis. Emoges saved guys' lives for this reason.

You don't know what to say, bro. Just put a couple hearts. Dude. See you tomorrow. I think you should be able to, nowadays, we didn't have this back.

when we were doing emojis for this kind of shit, but the kids now, you know, the 18 to 24 is now who's doing this, I think that you should be able to give the salute to your girl in a comment like that. Yeah, right. Lucky to, yeah. She'd be like, what the fuck? Am I your general?

He sucks at carving, but lucky to have him. And then you're just like, sir, yes, sir. Straight up, baby. I salute that. Hell yeah. Dude, the salute emoji solves everything. It is very versatile. Very versatile emoji.

What else? What other, can I see your top emojis real quick? Yeah, let's do it. This is insane. Thought you never ask. All right, let's see. This is one of my favorite games. Most recently used.

Bad radio, don't care. How about, all right, here we go. Frequently used. So we got, oh, that's the best laughing face. Congrats. The one with the squinty eyes, not the cry eyes. The one that's like this. It's so much more.

Yeah. It's like, I'm not. to you. It's more, it's more enjoyable. It's, it's not as aggressive, you know? The laughing, like, when the heads tilted and the tears are coming out, you're like, it's not that funny. Yeah, but when somebody actually puts those, it makes you feel good. You're like, damn!

I know, but at the same time, I'm like, are you kind of like being sarcasm? Are you lying? Because, like, whenever I comment as just, like, a troll on, like, ESPN's post or sports centers on Instagram, yeah, I'll put like 18,000 of those. I guess if somebody only puts, like, two, it's like, all right. If they put 12, you're like, okay. get it, wasn't that funny. The lock, I'm interested.

I don't know. That's weird. I don't know why that was up there. Maybe they threw a couple random. Oh, you know why I was? Because of that video I did, that TikTok I did, making fun of NFL team accounts. Yeah.

And so I did like the locked in and I kept like doing that because I had the fucking finagle it 30,000 times. There's a salute down there. That's good. You got to have the cry. Like the, not the cry, but the like teary eyed. That's, that emoji looks so sad. bro. But that one's like so meaningful.

Like if somebody, if you send that to somebody is like, wow, you were thinking of me, thank you. Yeah. Or it's like, or it's like if somebody says please with that face, you have to do it. Yeah, that's true. That's totally true. Yeah. Middle finger have to have it. It's great. Group chats. Yeah, that you put me on the middle finger. I've been big on the really. Not hook them.

Not hook them for that point. Well, I did do those videos about Texas Bama, but that's not that. It's just kind of like right on. you know it's kind of how I look at it just like appreciate you man right on I'm talking so seriously about this shit it's funny to me that's how I've been going about it talking about an emoji green check of course wow yeah well that green check so popping so much harder than the black one that kind of looks like a Nike swoosh exactly it doesn't show up as well I use a green check to like when I go and my notes at for like my funny ideas and my sketches I'm like yeah I got it not that one did that one did that one yeah the

The original crying laughing emoji, I know I get why they put the head to the side and you know, because I needed a little bit of an update. Right. Like that one has been around for the first emoji ever. Literally. Yeah. Before we even knew what emojis were, it was like, oh yeah, the little circular happy face that's laughing.

Man, that's like the, when you think of laughing, that's like what you think of now. Whoever invented emojis? Like, good Lord. It has always hype and you get that freaking, hey, we've been doing this long enough to where I remember when one of the segments we did in OG Express, it was like, I think it might have been like New Year's resolutions or something. And one of years was like,

hey, Apple, get us a search bar for the emojis. It was before the search bar. It's how long we'd be doing this shit. That was insane, though. And now we got, just scrolling for a half of it. I love,

I just want to know what people type in for certain emojis. Sometimes I'm just like to go in my car driving. I'm like, eyes. Literally. Nails. The ones that, like, surprise.

Hot. The ones that surprise you, you know, or you'll type in, I don't know, I'll type in like, I'll type in like L-O right now. There's like a shoe? Lofer. Whoa. But you know what I mean?

Like an ear, like money? I don't know. Loud. Damn, you're really, you're the, I'm the guy that created emojis. You're the emoji boss. My frequently used, we got, uh, the guy that, this hot guy, the guy that's red,

he's like, why? Because you work out so much? No, sometimes it's just, ironic to put that like after something that's not sexy. And then I got, I got the foot in there just because, you know. The Z's. Yeah, I got going on.

Oh, the Zs. Instead of the sleeping emoji, the Zs hit harder for me. Zs are good. Wine. I see wine in there. Why is there a duck? Give us the origin of the duck here.

Oh, somebody, okay, this girl at the comedy club took a picture with me. And for some reason, we both went like this. Oh, so she,

yeah, Yeah, yeah. She was like, best duck face ever. And I was like, I need something for this. So I just went duck. Got the glass of wine. Yep. Got the nails painted. That's pretty, uh, that's one of those. That can be universal. That can be, you know, hey, just got a fresh haircut. Yeah. Hey, my shoes are clean. Hard eyes.

Burpy. Got this. Yeah, I'm so fucking burpy right now. Star eyes, not, they, they, it's versatile too, I think. Love the star eyes. but yeah that is cool emojis comments comments are big

comments are absolutely big my buddy got engaged last week and yeah I actually I went back and forth for a while man I like I put

I commented like wow quagmire finally got hitched because we like joke about him just being like quagmire but then I was like ah

that look great right like my like like creepy this guy in TV history. Quagmire. So I was like, finally got tied down. And I was like, ah, you know, maybe if it would have been like, maybe if I didn't like

his fiance, I would have left it. It was just like, hey, fuck you. But I do like. Be insane. But I do like his fiancee a lot. So I deleted it quickly. And I was just like, oh, so you posted it? I posted.

Then I was like, ah. And I deleted it. And then I was like, that moment where you're like in limbo. Uh, yeah. Ah, fuck it. No, no. I deleted it. Then I was just like,

gonna be best wedding ever. You think that? I bet the wife saw the whole transaction. She's like, oh my God, it's gone. Oh, best,

oh, that bitch. Now, they actually did a pretty good job. You know, like a lot of people now, it's like they live streamed their engagement. A lot of people now they're like

live streamed their engagement, but they didn't post about it for like four days after, which I was like, that's, you know, cool, good. Like right on.

Just live it. You know? Live stream. Dude, my family wanted to be a live stream my uncle's funeral. First of all, I'm sorry. I didn't know that your uncle passed. Dude, when funerals happen to my family, nobody cares. Like, it's like funerals are like a party in my family.

Really? Why they want to live stream it? Because they couldn't be there. Well, like, yeah, my specs virtually. Dude, my sisters couldn't go to the funeral. So disrespectful. And I was like, they're like, can you like, I was like, what do you want me to get on?

TikTok live. Funeral type shit. Be the most you shit ever. I was actually thinking about it. I was like how ironic would that be the live stream of funeral and be like, my family wouldn't care either. It's a really weird vibe at funerals for me because like everybody's just like, it's like nervous, funny, you know?

And nobody's really that sad because it's like, all right, what are we going to do now? What are we going to be sad for now? Like, you're supposed to celebrate? You want to be a celebration? You want to be a celebration? Dude, everybody's in a good fuck. We're all just, we're all roasting the priest. Oh, of course.

Because the priest is acting like he knew this motherfucker. Ah, yeah, yeah. The person that just died, my uncle. And we're like, what the fuck do you know about him? You Johnson and you go up to the casket and you're like, hey, everybody's my uncle. Look at his outfit. He killed it. My dream, dude.

My cousins are in on the Johnson. My cousins love our shit. Oh, yeah. Day ones, man. They're the best. But yeah. How fucked up is that, though? Like, I don't have a funeral. Like, it's so forced.

I hate that. Like, I get it. But when everybody's just like, and just remember, he would want us to laugh and celebrate and make this a party. He loved a party. Let's party.

I'm like, you don't know. He's laying right here. It's an open casket. So funny, bro. We're saying shit like that, though. Uncle Charles is kind of fresh. And the cat,

Was that a quarter zip? Bro, I went to a, I went to like a celebration of life one time and they played this like prison. What is that for? Is that a funeral? It's like in play, like,

yeah, it's in place of like a funeral. It's like, yeah, essentially that's what it is. But they like played this presentation that had like, you know,

photos and memories, like this kind of video. And then at the end, they had like text. And they put text on the screen. It was like, and remember he would want us to dance. And it was like,

earthwind and fire came on. And like they were trying to dance right there. The people who put it together thought that people, they had this grand imagination in their mind that everybody had a celebration of a life for somebody who just fucking died would get up and be like, yeah, let's bust a rug. Come on.

And everybody just like kind of watched the video play out and just sat there and was like, I think some people soft clapped because they didn't know what to do. Dude, funerals. Killed me, man. Oh. This guy.

Oh, geez. Literally murdered me. I'm dead. Oh, shit. Dude, dude, how about the people who are like,

hey, if you can't make it to the wedding, you have to be at the funeral. Yeah, I think that's actually funny. If someone said to me, I would die laughing.

Oh, shit. Did it again. Yeah, dude. I'm, I'm coming up. We kind of hit

like the summer break for weddings and now we're coming up on the fall, you know, the fall run. Yeah, it's getting a little more popular, isn't it? Yeah.

It's like, Paul weddings. You have that June, July, surge, where it's just like, wedding. Dude, every weekend. So many in the mail. Right. I'm like,

no. I'm like, no star break. Best tweet you've ever sent. It was the one that was just like, you flipped it. It was like. I can't remember.

I do know what you're talking about. I can't remember the text. Pull out. You're like, regretfully accept. I regretfully accept. accepting on your way. Yeah.

Plus ones for weddings. Just confused. Why would I want to bring anybody else into this fucking mess? Plus ones are always a disaster, dude. Always a disaster. This girl the other day was like, she put out like a submission form.

I need a wedding date. Must. Like, it's all jokes. But like, who's doing that? But some, like,

there's probably like 18 guys. I thought about it. I thought about it. I was like, what would I wear? And then I was like, I can't go to that. Like I used to like, yeah, I definitely believe and there needs to be like, if you haven't been dating this person for like at least three years, you don't get a plus one.

Oh shit. Did you do that for your wedding? Yeah. You went through everybody. Has been dating her long enough. No plus one. Yeah. That's crazy. Not crazy.

That's just, that's like, some random fucking Alyssa at my wedding who's going to take away from one of my best. friends like having fun because she doesn't know anybody and she's uncomfortable. Where are you going to sit her? Next level. Right? Like next level invite her. No way, man. That's no.

No. No, no. You have to be living together. We have to have like been drunk together many times. You have to have again, dating for like three years or engaged. None of this like, oh yeah, you get a plus one. You're single? Yeah, plus one.

Bring anybody. It's crazy. Anybody? This is your shit. This is my part. Who the fuck are they? What do they do? earned an invite to my fucking big day.

What are they bringing? Nothing. They're literally a plus one can only detract from a wedding. Like a single plus one. You know what I mean? That's like not established. Because if it's a girl, she doesn't want to talk to anybody. She's not having fun. She doesn't know anybody.

Right, right. If it's a guy, he's probably like getting jealous from the girl who's like dancing or whatever and he's going to be an asshole and be a nightmare. No. No, no, no. Right? It's like you get, you have to cut off like some relatives. You probably didn't even really want there anyways, but so it's like a relative to get the single plus one here who's just going to suck anyways. Wedding cuts. That could be a good video.

People here cutting from your wedding. Should we? Hey, didn't come to a birthday party last year. Fuck them. Yeah, dude. You know what it is? It's honestly like March madness.

Like the committee, you know, where they're like, you get at large bids, right? You have the people who are locks because they won. The ones are the one seeds. I want to know all the 16 seeds and how they made it.

Oh, yeah, exactly. right you get like the conference winners he's on the bubble right yeah a lot of people on the bubble man what are you done for me lately like you said what have you done for me lately type of scenario here

you know it's so fucked up it really could be make a break and like those people that you know you have you have your ones that are they they have earned an automatic bid because they've been in your life long enough even if like recently they've kind of been on like a

loser of five out of seven games you know but they've been around It's like they're going to get in. Yeah. You know? He's got background check for sure. Exactly. Right.

That is funny. We could do something with that for sure. People celebrating because they got it. Let's go! Unless it's you. You're pissed. Oh, show. I'm a two seed.

What the fuck? I was trying to slip down to the bubble. Don't want to go to the dance. The guy who's a 16 seed invited the wedding, just the life of the party. Just a Cinderella story. The George Mason of wedding invites. Leaving it all out there on the floor, man.

Hey, that's all you can do. There are a lot of people that fucking love weddings. Are you one of those guys? Just depends who it is. But some people are, it's just like any wedding. They're just like, yeah! You know? It's tough.

Dude, it's a day. It's a day. And there's a lot that goes into it. And you have to write them a check or get them a gift. And you have to dress up and you have to make sure the dog's getting watched. It's all right. Just putting that down, bro. I've had like 12 C4s.

It is the best one. C12. Very good. And I like that a lot. Now I'm a wedding guy. I end up drinking yours. By the end of this podcast, there's 15 C4 cans in front of me. I'm like,

why, why, give me the, why aren't you a wedding guy? Like, the rundown. Just because it's taking up time where you can be productive. Oh,

who me? Yeah. No, I was talking to Ben. Yeah, that's what I thought. But are you not a wedding guy, Wyatt? Oh, um, I mean, I don't mind them, but I'm not like, I'm not actively

searching for like, filling out an application for a random chick to go. Yeah, correct. Correct. I would never want to be somebody's plus one. I wouldn't either. No, because it's so many new people that you have to meet. You really got a like, I mean, you're meeting like a whole universe. It's a job interview. Yeah. You know, like even if you're not trying to, so he would you come here with? You're like, oh, here we go. Even if you're not trying to be with the chick long term. It's still job interview because you still obviously want to probably sleep

with her if we're being real, right? To me that's like a nightmare. Like a plus one at a wedding that I don't know anybody there. But if it's like people that are like local and like I know them, it's like all right I'll go and it'll be fun. Yeah, no, absolutely. The people that you grew up with and that kind of shit, I'm all four. Yeah, if it's like a plus one, if it's a distant relative

or worse, it's one of your girl's best friends that she's in the wedding You're the plus one, but like you're in that universe. Lose, lose, lose situation. You're on the very outside of the universe. Lose, lose. Sitting with all the other boyfriends or husbands who are miserable. You got to make a choice at the weddings, too.

Are you going to have fun? Are you just going to, like, are you going to save it for like the next day? Are you going to be fun? Are you just going to keep it low key? Can't get too drunk at those weddings. Because then why? Can't be the drunk plus one guy. It's a job interview, bro.

True. True. I always get so sweaty at weddings no matter what, dude. It's always a white shirt. So I keep the jacket on. Keep the jacket on. Keep it all in there. Keep it in. Nobody knows. What about sweating through the jacket?

That's when you got a problem. I mean, just hope they don't wear gray jackets, you know? You're a black one. You're fine. Dark gray jackets, bro. What a nightmare. Sweat rings everywhere. I do applaud the guys who just absolutely don't give a fuck.

You know? Like, they're sweaty ass. They're sweating out. And they're just like, yep. This is me. Take it or leave it. Weddings. I can't believe it.

Just thinking about it is crazy. October is definitely the best month for him, though. A little more chill. Way less of a chance of it being super fucking hot. People having weddings on like New Year's Eve, though. Be more selfish. That's the biggest trend ever. But when you think about it, you're already looking for plans anyways.

You're having a built-in party. You got booze there. But a wedding? Yeah, you're right. Every party ever on New Year's Eve. It's like, ah. Now, if it's like Christmas Eve, I'd be like, what the fuck? Are you doing it? Even if it was like my sister, I'd be like, no, not going. Not coming. Not going. I got the Christmas Eve special NFL game on.

I got to sit on my couch and be a piece of shit for the next seven hours. Dude, nothing's better than Christmas Eve. Just consensus among everyone in the nation. We're all being pieces of shit today. And just like buying something. stuff we can't afford and just fuck it. That's everybody on Christmas Steve. Just throw on a little Mariah Carey Christmas song or jingle bells. No one cares. It all go away. Just being a

total piece of crap on your couch. Just just chips. Keep shoving that down. Cookies. Keep compressing it. All that fear and then how much you're going to dread December 26th. Oh, December 27th might be worse for some reason. My sister-in-law's birthday. Whoops.

Dude, December 26th is like, ah, it sucks, but you know, we still got the tree up. We still kick back a little bit. I'm not going to work anyway. 27th is like, fuck. This is real. Everything's real again. Hey, Steelers Raiders, Christmas Eve night this year in Pittsburgh. No way.

Christmas Eve night. Eight o'clock. Games on Christmas Eve are different. Uh-huh. Very excited. Even though we're probably going to be like three and 12 at the time. It's all good. You're like, I don't care anymore, though. No, I just, you know what?

I just, I keep it within. Keep the rage within. And just look at my son. And that makes me all better. Your son's wearing like Steelers gear. You're like, God damn it! Take it off! Take it off!

Riff it off, Frankie! All right, man. What are you? what's up? Well, you're adjusting to the seating situation. Yeah. This is it for me, bro. This is it.

This is A1 most comfortable way to sit. You got a show Friday night, tonight? No. I'm off this weekend. Actually, some of the boys from the show I was on, F. Boy Island are coming into town for the Colts game. Wow. It's going to be fun.

Who is it? So we got A.C., who is. was one of the best dudes on the show, man. It sucked because he didn't stick around too long. But, like, we didn't have our phones ever during the show. But this motherfucker knows so... He was, like, the internet while we didn't have phones. Yeah, so who got traded, like, a long day?

He'd be like, boom. He was just like... Cool. Sounds like my kind of guy. Dude, you... Yeah, you guys... You actually... Dude, he loves you, actually.

Because he was like... Because he was like, I recognize... He knows everything. He knows everything about everything. So he was like, I recognize you from, uh, like the videos you do with Joey? And I was like, bro,

you know Joey? And like this was on the like the first, one of the first days of the show. Wow, it's an honor. So it was like insane. So me and him just talked about shit like that. Okay.

And he was like, oh my God. Is he cool? Because he thought I was going to be the biggest dick ever. Everybody did because. Just because you're on the internet. Yeah, because some people recognize me in there.

I go, he's probably a dou. I look like that kind of. So, and then in real life they're like, oh, fucking idiot. And I was like, yeah.

And they were just asking me about you and stuff. And I was like, we got to get you to Indy. And here it is. Okay, so he's a chiefs fan? Big time. Big chiefs fan. So he's like, Chief Colts, you got tickets, kidding around? I was like, actually I do.

And then, uh, Brandt is coming. He actually played in the NFL for the Cardinals. Big ass dude. He's like the uncle guy. Yeah, the one of the friend. Yeah. Everybody called him Brent, but it's really brand. Yeah.

Yeah, it was great. He's coming. It'll be fun. You play in the NFL? Yeah. What? Dude, this is so. Most left guard ever, right?

Dude, he was sick. Yeah. And now he's like all cut up and shit. It's crazy how linemen do that. One day after they stopped playing, all right, I'm gonna get in the best shape of my life ever to look better into everyone.

Seriously. It's a weird how it works. I was like, how'd you do that? Yeah. But. So it is Brandt, right? Brand. Okay.

So on the show, like every Sunday, we wouldn't film. We'd go dark or whatever it is in TV terms. And we, they, bring up a big screen TV and we would just watch like Netflix or like we got to watch the Super Bowl

when it was on which was dope and like it was connected to a computer and like the chaperone or whatever left so we could like at that point I was like, well I mean that would be her first guess but everybody's like precious he's gone put something on put something on so me and Nico ran over there

and put on Brand's fucking highlight tape it was like poison like every all the chaperons like oh my god ran to the computer That's awesome Close it immediately Like we're just watching some hog mollies This big ass fucking helmet

From Toledo just on the screen bro It's so fucking funny And I think Casey's coming too Casey no way Yeah dude Down from Shytown I don't know where Either Ohio or Chicago is where he's like usually at

I don't know where he's coming from Wow so you guys are just about to shut 16 bit down 69 bit I'm not going to VIP, man. Chicks waiting on the staircase to get up there. There you go. Nice. It should be fun.

I don't know what to do. Like, I'm like, where do we go? 16. Just walk around the corner. That's it all weekend. That's perfect,

though, because I'm like, you guys are going to place to stay? Chiller's gone. Nice. Fucking five dudes. Love it. Yeah.

Yeah, come through if you want. You're like, no, thanks. No, I would love to meet those guys. No, trust me. They would love to see if a wife would let that happen.

Slide out. Yeah, we'll see what happens. Cool. Yeah, these guys. These guys podcasts. Yeah, that was fun. Yeah, we'll do. I mean, this is what it's going to be.

Like, it's nothing crazy. It's just a little bit more Johnson and Schmitty behind the scenes, just chopping it up, making fun of shit. Chopin it up. Having fun. Where it all started. How it all started. Right here.

This is it. This is why, you know, I mean, without this. That's why we do everything. Without, you know what I mean? So it's like, it's crazy to see

five years ago just what we were bullshitting around with and then now here we are and it's pretty awesome and excited to be doing it again, man. This is great. These guys.

Love it, man. All right. Thanks for, thanks for coming on. Like, it's my fucking show. You're like, no, thank you for coming on.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yep. Okay. Peace.

Talk to you guys next week.