THESE GUYS! - Polizzi Minute

Episode Date: November 21, 2023

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TG61. TG61. We have arrived. What a week. Craziest week of all time. The week. The week that doesn't matter at all. The most not real week of all time, time, time.

Already gotten two out-of-office emails. Hey, won't be back until the 27th. Nobody's doing shit. No way. Already? Already. Dude, that's a nice. little like PTO to take.

I never thought of a Thanksgiving PTO. Bro, I saw, I was driving by school, elementary school on the way home for my folks yesterday. Like last night. Uh-huh. And on their little screen, you know, they're, I love reading this.

Yeah, on their little screen outside, it was just like, enjoy Thanksgiving break. November 20th through the 24th. Damn. They got the whole week for Thanksgiving. Damn. I remember we only got like two days. Thursday and Friday.

Literally, you're up at Thanksgiving Eve. You're like in seventh period. Were we? Yeah, dude. And like, it didn't matter anyway. Even if we had the whole week off, we'd have basketball practice like the day after Thanksgiving. Oh my God.

And that shit, that would ruin everything, dog, because you'd be like basket. What? Everything's so football and I'm going to basketball practice right now. And the code. would just absolutely make sure that you knew, that they knew, that you had done nothing but been a complete piece of shit, eating everything, sat around,

probably drank a little bit, maybe, and they just made that practice absolutely horrible. I remember like eighth grade, dude. That might be the worst practice of all time after a holiday, because you're like, what are we doing? But like I got a black eye from playing football on things. Thanksgiving. So my eye was just full of just, I looked horrible, dude. And I walked into Thanksgiving, and day after Thanksgiving practice would just, you know, our eighth grade basketball coach, bro, he, it was just, I could feel like my black eye, like, moving every step I took. And we were just running suicides, dog. It was just like, what though? I was almost late for practice. It was his worst shit ever. Never run more suicides than the day after Thanksgiving practice. Yeah, that's true.

It's like, I don't even know, like, why are we being punished, dog? Yeah, why are you pissed off of us? Because I have a- For a national holiday. I don't know. I hated that so much. Oh, and then what made it even worse, dude, is those fuckers, like, the day before, right? You know, at the end of practice, on Wednesday after you're done with practice, they'd be like, hey, now we got tomorrow off.

Yeah, enjoy it. Enjoy it, right? Got tomorrow off. enjoy it. Be there with your family. Be thankful for them. We got a lot to be thankful for. You know, spend it with the family, enjoy it. We'll get back to work on Friday. So they set that up. Yeah, they do. They do a nice job. Yeah, finally. Thanksgiving. Oh, fuck yeah. Get a little break. And then on Friday, they come back as if we had some master plot that we put together that we all skipped Thursday practice and just decided to stuff our faces.

Yeah. Like we're all going to quit the team over Thanksgiving. Hey, enjoy yourselves. Enjoy yourselves, all right? Have fun with your family. Take a day off. Rest. Recuperate. Let's go home.

Have a good time. Spend time with your family. Let's come back on Friday. All right. Get back on Friday. Why? You guys just sitting around resting? Eating your stuff in your face like turkeys.

Get on the lie. I'm like, Jesus Christ. They don't even, they don't even say that to start, dude. They just walk in while we're all dicking around, you know? throwing basketballs at your head. They'll throw basketballs at you and then they just say on the line and they start blowing the whistle.

And then that's when they start yelling at you while you're running to suicide. If anybody's dreading the Thanksgiving holiday and you're older than 18 years old listening to this and you're not a college athlete, just think about how you could be doing that and it could be worse. Dude, such a downer.

Yeah, but so I'm not doing it anything for Thanksgiving. I don't think. Because of the past trauma. No, I'm just kidding. Why am I not surprised with that? No, dude, that's a, that was, I had the best Thanksgiving ever last year. No one in my family was really doing anything. I just went to Whole Foods, got some turkey and stuffing and brought it back to my apartment. I was like, this is it, dude. You watch football? Yeah, I did, actually. I don't know how I figured out how to turn on.

I probably, like, downloaded it a free trial. Yeah. But it was good. Like not being around people? Or would you get more sad being around people? You just, you're, fuck these people. I'm kind of like either way. Like when I see the family, yeah, it's dope.

But if I'm solo, I'm like, yeah, this is good. I'm just kind of down with anything. I would be depressed if I was by myself. I think I would be more depressed, like coming back from like a big family party and being like, damn. Rather than just be, if I'm solo the whole day at the end of the night, I'm like, yeah. Same shit. I guess, but

aren't you just like, man, I could be just dicking around with my cousins. Right. Right. That is. That is. That is.

That is. That is. That is. That is. I'm like, I can get down with it today. I don't want to hear it again,

though, until next year. No, I'll hear it every holiday. I want that Donald duck. Dude, every uncle's got a Donald duck in him. And if you don't have an uncle with

Donald duck in him, you're the uncle. It's the way it goes. do you ever uh do you ever go black friday shopping back in the day god damn man one you probably probably um i think probably i can remember one though and i got like something was wrong with my foot dude i had like i had like this huge planters war on the bottom of my foot and it was in high school and it hurts so bad it dude it looked like it was another planet on the bottom of my foot and I got it removed during Thanksgiving break and I was like and I couldn't

walk and we went Black Friday shopping that Thanksgiving so I like I was like stumbling around in this Walmart and we weren't even going to buy anything dude my dad was just like yeah let's just go let's see if we can find something and I was like dude we didn't even like have like we're buying a big TV like that wasn't in our mind you know I mean that's what you always think on Black Friday big TV bro yeah I have no idea why But we just like went for shits and giggles, bro. And I was just like limping around the whole fucking time. I'll never forget it.

But I was like, if there's a time to like get in one of those motorized wheelchairs, this is it. My dad was like, nah, you're walking. Foot's just bleeding out. Bro, I think it was, dude. It hurts so bad. That's probably what my foot looks like it does. Yeah, that's true. I don't know how that affects the middle toe and have it be in a complete C.

but I'm sure that's some sort of side effect there. I don't know. I don't know what happened. What Black Friday was, though, is it just it was the excuse to be able to be out in hours that she normally shouldn't be able to be out. So you tell your parents, like, oh, yeah, we're going to go Black Friday shopping. And it's just like you just want to be able to roll around in your fucking Carolla. Oh, and just go to the mall.

Your camera, your Toyota Camry at two in the morning and not have your parents be like, where the fuck are you? you're like, I'll buy Friday shopping. I'm at best buy. No way. No way. My parents weren't buying that, dude. I had zero money. But yeah, yeah. I was always so jealous of the people.

We're going Black Friday. Dude, a whole gang of my friends would go to the Nike outlet. And I'd be like, oh, you serious? That's crazy. That's insane. And they'd come back with the best shit. You want to talk about being in a different fucking time warp? is being at Black Friday shop

and it's like 1.30 in the morning and the mall is packed and you see like somebody you go to school with that's like not your friend but somebody you go to school with oh yeah whoa this is all just messing me up big time here that was that was like the best moment of my life

when the mall would be open after hours like it's near Christmas you got those like four days before Christmas and the mall's like you know what we're just so open up until fucking midnight. Like, they just go rogue on the hours, and they're like, we got to do what we got to do. I love that, dude.

You know, you know what mall after hours is and, like, Mall Black Friday is? That's, those are literally dreams, like fever dreams. Mm-hmm. You know, those crazy dreams that you have where you wake up, you're like, why did I see Sarah from Channel 1 at Abercrombie and Fitch? and then went to Luke of pizza after. That's... So weird. That's literally what happens on Black Friday shopping.

Yeah, you wake up in your... Did I see Mike Sedina and Nolan Bernard in the food court last night? And I was kind of scared of him. And you're not buying shit. I haven't heard it a long time. You're not buying shit. You're just like there.

Right. It was like, yeah, the hangout. Yeah. And you have like kind of the fucking The troublemaker kids that you'd see And you'd be like, ah shit There's no rules out here They might actually beat my ass tonight

Right dude yeah It is a little crazy tonight Things are getting a little wild I gotta get it out of here But it is fun It feels dangerous You're like ooh Am I supposed to be here?

Exactly You're not buying shit dude You're just You're just looking for trouble That's what it was all about man Best night in my life at working retail was when, dude, for some reason,

I don't know if they probably don't do this anymore because it's like dangerous, but the Greenwood Park Mall was open all night on the 23rd of December. And my boss was like, hey, a police eater coming in at midnight. You'll leave at 6 a.m. I was like,

bro, I'm at the mall at all night. That's the coolest shit ever. Yeah, everybody wants to have a sleepover at the mall. amazing. I was like, are you sure the malls open all night? Dude, like our something happened. Oh, no, our boss just wasn't there. So we had the assistant manager. So I got to plug my phone in the Ox Corps that played in champs. I was like, dude, this isn't work anymore. This is just a party. Like, this is actually a party. Dude, it was Rick Ross the whole night. I think there were like, oh, my, I don't even know if it was edited.

dude. That was just like some crazy shit. So you would trap was Kelsey on him. Oh, big time, big time. Big time. Big time Kelsey era. Probably ripped a sig on the way home. Don't even smoke, but just did it. Still had your running back gloves hanging in the year. I forgot about that, dude. Senior year had been done for two months because he lost in sectionals first round. Still have them up.

Training for college, bro. just to let them know. I pled. That's crazy. Oh my God, I did that. Dude, every year this time of the year, though, I just start. We kind of mentioned a little bit about talking about Christmas last year, but I just start thinking about that weird time in your life

when it's like 17 to like 20 or 21, and you're dating someone and you have to go to their family Thanksgiving. Oh, man. I've never done it. I've never done it. But like, I don't know, man. Maybe I'll never do it. How weird is it?

It's different now. That's what I was saying, like 17 to 21 because like you're just a fucking idiot. Oh, nothing going on. Zits on your face and shit. Yeah. You still don't even really know how to talk. Like, what are you going to talk to people about? What are you going to talk to the other about?

At least at our age now, you know, and like if you get to like 25 and older, you know, you've maybe in our school for a little bit. You've probably been working for a while. You know, you have your own place. You've been living in an adult life. Yeah, you're a little more interesting now, I guess. Right. Even if you're not, you are.

Maybe you have some opinions on some current events that you can sit in. Oh, well. Something like that. But when you're 18 and you're going over to the fucking family Thanksgiving, right. I mean, what, you're not bringing in anything. literally and figuratively. You just look like a worm. You hate what you're wearing.

You're wearing like this weird striped long sleeve shirt. And you're like, do I wear jeans or is that too casual? You like, don't know. And your girls, your girl's like, yeah, just wear jeans. You know, she's like being cool about it. But you like call your family. You're like, should I wear jeans there? Like, is that too?

Right. Do I wear khakis? We don't know khakis. Cackies. We're khakis in the long sleep. And then you show. up there and her dad has like gray sweatpants gray Michigan football

sweatpants on Brett farve jersey you're like god damn it I could have been boy I look like I'm going to church but we're just trying to be cheese heads on the couch all night right and then you start you start acting like how what you're wearing so you're being all like professional

and like kind of nerdy and you're like what this isn't even me yeah dude and then the older brother and like the kind of wacky cousin that's a little unhinged that you don't know about like they start Oh, Sarah, you brought the Harvard boy? Mr. Ivy League? Oh, no, dude.

What's up, Ivy League? You're wearing like a sweater with the long sleeve underneath it, thinking that like, yeah, I mean, it's Thanksgiving. Like, we're kind of, you know. We're dressing up nice. Dude, and then you end up playing a football game in the backyard in those clothes. So then you're sweaty. Half your shirt's untucked.

Grass stains on your khakis. you're like dude i didn't know but you kind of ball out you kind of ball out in the football game so you get a little more respect but at the end of the night you're like you're like out of breath and you smell and you're just sitting on the couch and you're like i don't even know it just happened you make one good catch and it's like enough to save you you know yeah one good one and like and like the guy that's like making fun of you the most

like the cousin that didn't even see the catch but everybody else did and you're like god damn it I wish I would have made that. I wish Robbie would have been looking when I made that snag in the corner of the ends. I didn't even see. He still thinks I'm a fucking nerd. It's so true. Why is it the same shit?

Everyone's life is the same. You do actually bring like a side dish that obviously you didn't make, but your mom like sent with you because she wanted to make sure that her son wasn't a complete fucking idiot. And you show up with it and everybody like everybody's super polite about it, you know? And they're like, thank you, wow, okay, yeah, thank you. Set off to the side, you come back around through the kitchen after their desserts, no one's touched it. Your girl's starting to stick up for you. His mom really is like a good cook.

That's sad. You don't know what to do with it at the end of the night. You're like, do I take my dish with me? Like, do they want that like Tupperware? Or like, I guess we don't need it. You always, dude, you always have. have the dishes that you feel bad for that like you walk past it in the line and you know either like maybe your girl or maybe it's like somebody and you just you feel kind of bad so you just

take it and put it on there you know so at least the dish has a few empty spots in it right yeah what no one notices once that's done no one's going to say anything once it's on the plate right you can just kind of mingle around with it and then toss it all good but you got at least have some take it out of the dish so everybody feels alright. Dude, I think you just kind of stir it up a little bit. You just fuck it up a little bit. And then you don't even put any on your plate. You're just like,

oh, somebody went in on it. You know, you don't even, you don't even commit. You just kind of like shuffle it. So at the end of the day, when they're grabbing it, they're like, oh, I wonder if like Uncle Jeff fucking took some of this. I love that guy.

Every one of those ones that you go to that's not your family, right? like there's always a little kid cousin or nephew or something that like just hones in on you and everybody else like you're the new shiny thing right so ever like they focus in on you and you have to just like put up with it for the whole day you know because everybody else can just be like shut the fuck up Liam I know crazy bastard Liam right runs around like slams his head on the ground right but then like you like have to be in and like watching every train he does. Every time he jumps off

the couch and does the same thing. You can't be mean. Oh. Dude, are you Tony Hawk? Who's that? You're like his best friend now. Right. You have to be. You're like, I'm the only guy. Like, this is all I got at this whole Thanksgiving is fucking Liam,

dude. My girl isn't even talking to me anymore. I'm talking to Liam more than my girlfriend. He starts to take advantage, right? And like, he starts to just, like, beat the shit out of you because, like, you can't do anything. You're just sitting there. He gets a stiff-armed, six-year-old Liam.

And he's just fucking jumping on top of you, like, I'm about to break your neck. Just taking shots in the shoulder and shit. You're like, I don't even know. You're like kind of tearing up. You're like, oh, wow, yeah, all right, yeah. But then finally, like, it's like getting to be a lot. And you're like, okay. One really hurts, yes.

Everybody kind of looks at you. Her mom, it's her grandson. and her mom looks at you kind of like, I can't believe that you talk to Liam like that. You got to kind of show him who's bought. You got to son him a little bit. You got to like pick him up like, oh, and like act like you're going to throw him.

So he knows how strong you are. But like it's just a joke. Right. But then that kind of like gets him going even more. Because then they're like, oh my God, maybe they'll throw me. Throw me. Like I can't fucking throw you, kid. Dude.

I'm around six of your uncles right now. I don't even know who your dad is. Fucking Liam had way too. much cool whip kids bouncing off the goddamn walls there's all and then like

hopefully you're just hoping hoping like maybe maybe he hits like just praying that he gets in trouble by his mom so you're like

kind of letting him go off maybe he's getting a little too loud and you're like kind of juicing him up a little bit gassing him yeah scream one more time

motherfucker screams his mom's like Liam get over here you're like thank fucking God and then it comes down the portion where there's always like some interesting family tradition that you Oh no fucking clue what's going on or why they're doing it

And you just got to kind of be like oh wow okay yeah all right No this is good we don't do this in my family God dude sit there and talk about how much we hate the cowboys That is a dude my family has zero traditions I'm like we pray and then we eat and then that's kind of it I'm I don't know Dude the Putting you on the spot for like what you're thankful for Oh my God

That's horrible Yeah if you don't like have Hey now it's a new guy Hey now it's Ivy League's turn Come on Ivy League If you don't have something like You know in your back pocket Like you kind of the day before Thanksgiving

You need to like start brainstorming a little bit Here's what you go to Okay For all those in the clubhouse that are venturing to a new family Thanksgiving. Oh, man, pray for them. You go into a girls, you're going to a guys. You got to be with their family.

And if they do this portion of Thanksgiving, you say you're there, you're around the table, and it's maybe after you eat, whatever it is. But, you know, they kind of do, they're like, all right, now what are you thankful for? And you go around and everybody's got, like, say something. Here's what you do. You're just like, oh, really?

I don't need it. I don't need to be in it. I'm the new guy. And then I'm like, no, no, come on. You're in, you're here. Come on. And you're like, all right, okay. And then you just kind of like, you're like, um, why?

Man, so much stuff. But really, really, I think, um, I just want to say that I'm thankful for all of you for letting me come be a part of your holiday. I know that I, you know, got a little too far out there with football. But, uh, no, right. I'm just, um, really thankful you guys are so welcoming and let me come and I'm having a really great time. Oh, wow.

Class act. Class act, dude, by the new guy. Oh, oh, oh. Everybody loves you after that. Yeah, because then her aunt Kathleen is going to pull her aside afterwards and just be like, he's really sweet. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. You picked a good one.

Meanwhile, like, you're going to the bathroom afterwards and you're just like fucking unbuttoning your top button. just farting into their towels and stuff. You're just being the biggest piece of shit in the bathroom. It's always so funny the switch that would happen to, right? So let's say, okay, you're in that situation and you go, you spend the first half of the day with the girls' side of the family. Right? So you're all buttoned up.

And then the chick, you know, your girl is like, she's just letting loose and having wine and, like, fucking talking to her cousins. and leaving you on your own, right? You've got to fin for yourself, you know? And then you, in the evening time, you go to your side of the family. And that's when the real personality comes out, the real you. Meanwhile, you can't leave hers by herself at all. You know, she's got to be going with you everywhere.

Oh, yeah. But that's really fucking, you know, dig into the second half. All right, baby. This is me. This is me, babe. Right. Watch and learn. You've done four Miller lights in like the first 20 minutes you're there.

Oh, yeah. And it's the second half of Thanksgiving, like the night portion, the Cowboys part of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving's built, it's split into two halves. It's Lions Cowboys. Once we enter Cowboys, dude, hey, you can put on that second, like, pair of clothes you brought, you know, that aren't as nice. You know, you can kind of relax a little bit. Like, it's Thanksgiving, but it's like, all right. we did the hard part of Thanksgiving.

Now we just, now we just enjoy it. It's desserts. It's a little fucking wine. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's the, that's the like,

if you're, if you're going to your girl, like, that's like the home field advantage. Like you want, you want to be on, at your families when that, when you're in the Cowboys portion.

You know what I mean? Because if you're, if you're at your girls during the Cowboys portion, you're like, uh, I still got to kind of be like, I still got to kind of put on like the show. Yeah, you want to defer to the second half.

Oh, for, oh. Always. Every holiday, anything. No, yeah, we can not, yeah, let's go to yours first. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll knock that out. AKA, let's get that shit over with. Let's go to your parents' house first,

AKA equals let's get that shit over with. We both know what's going on here. My family's cooler. It's always the battle between that, you know. My family's way funnier than yours, so we're going to ours in the second half. It's always interesting that you got introduced to like, you know, because I didn't grow up, I didn't grow up with having holidays be like a day or a time when you, everybody kind of lets loose and, like, has drinks and, like, kind of gets drunk and shit. Yeah, you say you didn't or you did?

No, yeah, I didn't. Yeah. And then now I've kind of been introduced to that. Same. So I'm like, man, where's that? Where was that? I mean, I guess I was a kid, so I didn't, but like, no shit was never going down. I swear.

No, but now that everybody's older, it's like, well, we got an open bar. Right. It's insane. I'm like, I didn't know. Were people drinking when I was a kid? Or all of a sudden, when I told? turn like late 20s. It's just,

it's just a party now? Yeah, and like, same with my in-laws. Like, they really introduced me to, like, having a good time on the holidays, you know,

because the holidays, you know, from what I grew up with and my, my folks, it was just kind of like, yeah, it's like,

it is fun because you're with family and you're joking around, you're having food and you're doing, you know, watch football and that's great. But then, like, with my in-laws now,

it's just like, hey, like, yeah, we're going to, we're going to celebrate a little bit. We're going to have some cocktails. We're going to have some wine.

Dude, I feel like it's, yeah. I don't know how I'm adjusting to it. Because it's like 2 p.m. lines are playing. It's like half time. And it's like, are we getting started? Are we about to throw some back, dude? You know what I've been doing the past few years and it's been awesome?

Hmm. I've been going. So one of my best friends, his parents live right there. Like, I don't want to give out where they live. Yeah, yeah. they live nearby where like the turkey trot happens in broad ripple oh yeah like it's a thing here around town but like so what i've been doing is like i wake up on thanksgiving and i go over there and they're just basically having like a tailgate on thanksgiving oh whoa whoa that's the

drumstick dash or turkey trot is like going by and everything that's real early in the morning right Yeah, and we're just drinking Miller lights and just fucking kicking off Thanksgiving with like a fire and like the rocky theme song is playing. Shut the fuck up. That sounds awesome. Dude, it's great. So I get a little like Thanksgiving tailgate before I head to Lions Thanksgiving. Oh my God, man. So what time are you up for that? Thanksgiving is a holiday we're like, I don't mind getting up early. It's not like Christmas exciting early where it's like some magical. shit. But Thanksgiving at like 8, I'm like, yo,

let's go, man. It's Thanksgiving. Get up. Even earlier because I love getting up and watching like the local news channel. You in the news, bro. Seeing how they're like reporting on Thanksgiving, you know, like they're out at like, you know, the fucking Salvation Army

and they're loading in turkeys. Yeah, we're out here on the sidewalk. You're like, oh my God, everything is Thanksgiving today. This is great. incredible. They've given out 75 turkeys this morning and

everyone's thankful. Back to you, Sarah. Dude, it's like shut up. They'll have like a turkey, like a turkey, like beanie hat on. It's literally, yeah. Yeah, like full suit, but a turkey, the crazy guys got like a turkey hat on, but then he's got his suit on with like

a, like kind of a like a Thanksgiving theme tie. Yeah, the weatherman. let's throw it on over to Wacky Chuck Hey Chuck Wacky Chuck Wacky Wayne with your turkey day forecast Dude I don't have you saying

Gobble Gobble They cut them off All right Wacky Wayne's drunk on Thanksgiving morning Dude they bring it back to the studio And they're just like Wayne am I right You know what I mean They're just like there

That's our wayne I love that shit I love how deep down me and you just want to work for the news so bad Can you imagine dude just one day Just in like 20 years Me and you are just the news The sports anchors for like the local news Oh

Oh how bad do I want And then we just and then we do JV practice during the day For like a local high school Wouldn't be a bad life Would not be a bad life I tell you wouldn't be a bad I mean, come on

All right Frankie's our running back coach No Frankie is the running back Oh my God stop I'll cry Just backplate gloves Oh Frankie just bawling out Let's get to the clubhouse here

Team these guys at gmail.com I think we're going to have some good ones here For Thanksgiving week So This is from Will what's your most underrated Christmas movie? Hey Jens, greetings from Louisville. My question for you all is

your most underrated Christmas movie. For me, it's jingle all the way. I find it relatable as we're getting older and hearing Arnold yelled, Put that cookie down! Now! We'll never not be funny. Always love the show, keep up the great work,

slap my ass, and call me Bing and Crosby. It's from... Yeah, what's your... I mean, you're a Christmas movie, like, what I didn't even know. You don't even really fuck with movies. What's Christmas movie for you? I don't.

Jingle all the way. Is that the one where they like, they're trying to find that toy and like Sinbad's in it? Dude, oh my God, that's a good movie. Sinbad in anything. I'm like, I'm watching it. So good.

But I don't know. Sinbad and Phil Hartman, rest in peace. So good. Anyways. Yeah, no. I don't know, man. He said underrated. Yeah.

The only Christmas movie, I was like obsessed with growing up was is it the Santa Claus? Yeah. Tim Allen. Tim Allen. He threw down in that movie. But that's the only one I'm like kind of,

I guess he can, no, I don't have enough experience, dude. I've got peanuts Christmas and the Santa Claus. But besides that, dude, I'm kind of,

I don't know. I got you. No, it's fine. I got one. For me, Christmas with the cranks. Another Tim Allen.

Oh, you can't miss with Tim Allen. It's a really stupid concept. Like, really not that good of a movie, but it's like very easily watchable. It's all Christmas. You throw it on. Like, there's some funny stuff in there. It's not a Christmas classic by any means.

But, like, if it's on AMC or free form or, you know, you toss it on, you're like, oh, okay, I can have this on. It's better than me. not having a Christmas movie on I can go with Christmas with the cranks You ever even heard of that? No, I haven't But Rocky 4

Throw it on It's crazy Dude, I think it is I think it's a Christmas shit Going on in that movie Catch me if you can Weirdly a Christmas movie How come?

Yeah, what the fuck It's just the movies That are on those channels During Christmas That like aren't Christmas movies But they are Yeah. Those are the underrated Christmas movies.

You're like, why is Indiana Jones on right now? Harry Potter. Oh, is that playing now? Dude, is it? Okay. Yeah, there you go. You can make an argument for Star Wars because the last like five movies that came out, they came out like the week before Christmas.

So people kind of have that like. The Christmas movie. Yeah, right. Yeah. From Andrew. Subject line, Tequio Spikes. Can't wait. Boys, love the pot.

I think I have arguably the worst birthday on the calendar. December 30th. Crazy. It's that useless week right after Christmas where everyone is depressed. When I was a kid, everyone was out on vacation, so I couldn't see any friends. It's the day before New Year's Eve, so people don't really want to go out the day before. It sucks. I think there's a worst day.

What's the absolute worst day to have a birthday on the calendar? Slapped my ass with Bradford's single buckle chin strap. Oh, man. Yeah, that's... I think the worst day to have a birthday would be on Christmas. I think so, too. Like, I know that's kind of on the nose, but, like, people with birthdays around Christmas,

I'm like, ah, it's not that bad. Because it's the day after or the day before. It's like December 23rd, or it's like December 27th. And you're like, that's still kind of cool. Because it's like just a big Christmas. It's just extended Christmas. You're like, not sad. Like my sister-in-law, she's December 27th.

on the surface, I think that kind of sucks. But then you're like, oh, well, at least after Christmas is over, you're like, wow, like, I got my birthday. That'll get me through. And my parents will, like, take me out to a nice dinner. Hopefully, you know what I mean? Like, you got something to look forward to. Something, like, you don't even think about is like a birthday cake around the holidays. I've never, that's never crossed my mind once.

But like, after Christmas, you're like, I'm getting a cake. Sick. Let's do it. But if it's on Christmas, it's kind of like. I don't know, dude. You're kind of like taking the shine away from Christmas a little bit. Like, I would feel really selfish. Like, you're at your family Christmas and you're like,

but it's my birthday too a little bit. It's like, I don't want to be associated. Like, can we just have Christmas? Don't even talk about my shit. Yeah, just move it to another day. Like, just. Right. And, like, we'll observe, like, it's observed and we know that it's on the 25th,

but we're going to celebrate it on the 22nd. That's what you got. That's the play. That's my real birthday. Yep. Not with it. I would hate that. I would hate the Christmas. That's like my biggest concern growing up was like people's birthdays that are like December. Ew. Ew.

Yeah. January birthdays. Right. That is like a, I guess I hate, I hate saying ick. But when you like, you're like, you're interested in someone, you learn when their birthday is. And it's like a weird month and date. You're like, mm, never mind. Like, what are you doing with your birthday in May? Like, I don't even know. He's a great month for a birthday. Nah, dude, nah.

That was May not a good month for a birthday. It doesn't seem right. Doesn't seem right. It's like the start of summer. All good shit is starting then. Yeah, it's not bad. You're right. It could be worse.

All right. All right, from Luke. Wow. Subject, Dallas Cowboys rant. and he ranted. Hey guys, second time emailer. I want to start it out by clarifying before I start this rant. I'm a die-hard Steelers fan and have no ties to the Dallas Cowboys.

If anything, I hate them for the Super Bowl 30 victory they had against the Steelers in 95. With that being said, at Thanksgiving coming up, I have a hot take as a non-Caboys fan. Dallas Cowboys hate memes and jokes are the oldest joke in football and maybe sports. If I see another old white middle-aged guy posted the same Nacho-year Dorito bag with the Cowboys logo on after a loss, I might go insane. It is one thing if you're an Eagles, Giants, or Commanders fan, but my God, if it gets old to me. I just wanted to hear your guys opinion on whether you guys being comedians and all. I don't know about you guys, but I would genuinely say the joke is a hack. As comedians said, wanted to write in because this seems like something you guys would talk about people doing.

Can't wait to listen to you guys every Tuesday, Wednesday. Happy Thanksgiving to both of you and your family. Slept my ass while I dot up my family in our Thanksgiving turkey bowl game like I am 1996, Brett Far. Oh. Love it. Love it. Thanks, Luke. Same to you. So he's run that back. He's saying what? With the Doritos?

He's tired of Dallas Cowboys hate memes. Like, you know, like, you see it. Every year, it's like the Dallas Cowboys starter pack, and it's like the guy with the baggy jeans shorts, the Jordans that match. Yeah. You know. I love that.

Like, I'm with them. I'm with them. Like, I think it would be considered into that. But if we're talking to Facebook memes, those are essentially all in that category. I mean, you just got to kind of lean into it, I guess. But I mean, they are. Every time I see those, I'm like, that is kind of funny, though. You know what, Dallas Cowboys hate memes are what your uncle is going to show you on Thanksgiving.

Hey, look, look. And you're like, Unk, I've seen this 5,842 times. Like, I saw this like 10 years. years ago and he shows you and you're like yeah yeah you know what i mean oh for sure it's like it you know you know what it is is it's it's your uncle showing it to you and it's uh when you have a date there and you're like and he's like yeah hopefully hey hopefully she's like the cowboys right and it's a mean it's like date a girl uh date a girl that's a cow that like the cowboys because they never expect a ring they never end up getting a ring

And he's like And you're like I can't laugh at that right now Jesus Christ She's right here We've been dating for six months God damn That's so awkward

Sorry you've been divorced Three times Randy Shut up Yeah he gets fun later though Randy gets fun later I mean yeah Yeah they're annoying But like

If you get if you're a Cowboys fan You get annoyed by those memes They're just gonna keep popping up So you just got to You just got to That's what he's saying is he's a Steelers fan. He's not even a Cowboys fan.

Oh, and he's just sick. And he thinks they're hacking. They're overplayed. So I'm like, all right, I can get down that. Yeah. What about this from Pierce? Subject, T.J. Hushman Zada. What's up, boys?

Frequent listener, first time Ian Miller from the Cincinnati. Listen to you guys talking about high school football. Reminded me of the great stories of high school football. That's good. Context, this was during 2020 COVID times. Hour before our regional game to go to state, we're huddling up, getting ready, and our head coach comes in to give a speech. and tells about how he used the bathroom but had no toilet paper so he wiped his ass with his

COVID mask and proceeded to just leave it in a trash can in the opposing team's locker room. Do you have any stories about wild high school coaches? Love the pod. They still laugh. Slap my ass. Give me who and cover me in Ohio. What? Give me who and cover me in Ohio River Slime.

I don't know what who. Maybe I'm. He said who? Yeah. I don't know what that is either. But I like it. Maybe it's a Houday thing for Sincere or some shit. Oh.

Yeah, I mean, I feel like we've gotten asked this a handful of times from about, like, different football coaching and shit. I feel like we've kind of tapped out all of our stories. Oh, yeah. Yeah. College coach stuff. Yeah. The high school coach for me.

I never really had a, yeah, what was tears in high school? Just one that I remember is the running backs coach, like, getting the running backs together and tell us to look down at our arm and ask what color of the skin was white and he was like, yeah, so don't get any ideas. That's a crazy pregame speech.

Yeah, like, just shit like that. I mean... Is he really saying this right now on a magical Friday night? One, one I think, and I didn't even remember exactly what he said,

but it was just classic, like, this is like a middle-aged guy and he was kind of joking, kind of not, but like the cheerleaders were like up in the stands, like cleaning stuff or doing something, setting up like ribbons or something. Always. For the game the next night.

Cups in the fence. You know, you have a, right. You have a coach just kind of makes him like off color inappropriate comments about like the 17 year old girl. Oh, damn. I think you're joking, but probably not. Yeah, just coach don't go there, man. Like don't even look, bro

Don't even look Now I'll laugh Kind of but like at the same time I don't really want to be involved So that I don't have to You know testify when this inevitably goes to court Or something Yeah and you're like in

And I gotta hold it in Like I don't know if I'm gonna tell my mom That you said this or not Like is that okay Just a very conflicting thing Anyways thanks for the email peers From Zach his subject is Jason Giambi.

Wow. He says, What's up, Joey, Ben? Day 1 fan. He sent pictures. Oh, nice. Yeah, they said the, they did the strike.

Remember we were doing the ump, the ump and the catcher? Oh, yeah, dude. That was an era right there. Yeah, it was. He sent that. So appreciate that. That's great.

Love seeing Ben perform in Tampa. So, anyway, we go to trip out. I've been trying to write in on Stitcher comments for weeks now, but haven't heard any back, so I figured I try and email. Stitcher gang. Oh, I remember this dude. I remember this dude.

A football field that pisses me off is Boise State All Bluefield. I feel like a tar heel all blue field can be pulled off, but Boise State Blue is too dark. Side note, on weird chords fields, how about those high school chords with a million lines on them? You've got the regular basketball lines and then volleyball, four square, et cetera. So how am I supposed to play this game right now when the whole court is covered in eight different colored lines? might be a little controversial, but I like my courts, clear, plain, and old-fashioned.

Jeez. I feel like one of you guys would have asked a girl to prom or homecoming in a hilarious way, am I right? Rock me around the Christmas tree and slap my ass. God damn. What an email, man. But that does, if there's one thing I can go off about and have a minute about, I could have a police minute about lines on fields. Like, I know the budget and I know you got to combine everything on one.

field, but like, for the love of God, bro. Especially like a football field with like a field hockey and soccer field on it. I'm like, guys, this looks like shit. So aesthetically non-pleasing. No, but Boise State Blue Turf is like, it was the first. So I do like it. I'm like it could, I mean, it could look better, but like, dude, blue turf is, that was their thing. Like, that's insane.

it literally put them on the map like they were getting good winning the Fiesta Bowl and all that shit as like there's like oh blue turf too yeah I wonder I wonder who was like how'd they get that cleared like I've always wondered that they're just like make it blue and they like did it

one day and I think the NCAA was probably like you can't have blue turf and they're like it's already installed it was one of those I think dude I always love when it's like the the Foster Farms like potato bowl or something or the Idaho Potato Bowl it's like December 22nd and they play it at Boise State Stadium

and so you have like Wyoming against Central Michigan playing in a blue year three days before Christmas God it's snowy Let's see Super Bowl That is our Super Bowl right there Live stream holiday live stream with these guys for the Hold on what's that potato bowl what's the fucking sponsor Hey, we should

Do that. I'm not even saying, I know we say we should do a lot of shit, but like. Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. There it is. That's the one where we need to do a live stream, just like the bowl game that doesn't matter. God,

I wish we could call the game. That would be sick. That's kind of my dream is to call a game with you. And like one of those, too. One of those games that doesn't matter. Oh, please. That would be so fucking fun.

Yeah, dude. Saturday, December, 23rd. The best day ever. The best day ever. That's going to make me cry, bro. It's a Saturday? Wait, Christmas is on a Tuesday?

Perfect. Monday, Monday. Oh. The 2023 famous Idaho potato bowl, we played Saturday, December 23rd at 3.30 Eastern. That's the game this year, bro. That's the game. Hold on.

Let me get bowl projections real quick. Yeah, oh yeah. See who we might got. Take your time real quick. Take your time. That, I mean, because I go bold projections until the start of the new year, and then I go mock drafts, and that's my life.

Oh, yeah. Thank God I'm already married because I would... And, yeah. I would want to hang out with me. I'm like, here you go. Except me. Yeah, I'd be fine. It would just be me and BP.

All right. Famous Idaho. Who we got? Who we got, babe? FSU? Projection right now for the famous Idaho Potato Bowl, December 23rd,

Bowling Green versus Wyoming. Oh, that's so on point. Who's not watching? Is Bowling Green nice like that this year? I guess the Potato Bowl isn't really a good bowl game, so never mind. Be bowl eligible.

So, I mean, six plus wins, I guess. I'm watching. That's it. that's awesome that's all I needed to hear Wyoming best like worst best colors ever yes that those brown ass uniforms on that blue turf it's just fucky perfect perfect

for Dustin fake laughs good morning I hope you two have been fasting in preparation for a glorious Thanksgiving full of unhealthy yummies question for both of you what would be the most common scenarios where you need to pump out a fake forced laugh at weddings I'm inevitably going to see someone I haven't seen in a while and already now I'm going to have some predetermined forced laughs built into the whatever the conversation may be then sneak out with the fake plans to see them soon or watching a good funny movie for the zillion of time when I'm at the in-laws Christmas vacation uncle buck

etc got about the few fake laughs with the group slap my ass and lined the gas station for our road trip candy stopped and order me a caesar salad with light chicken oh god knows us Caesar Good forced fake laughs that are going to happen Usually when I Probably when I go out To a like a bar or something Or just a place where everybody is

And you're just like just you're yucking it up dude You're gas in the laughs And like part of it is like kind of You're having a good time too But the other part is like Man I just kind of want to stop talking to you So I'm just going to laugh it up so we can, you know, laugh, laugh them out of the conversation. Yep, yep.

Thanksgiving is going to be big both the night before and day of when you're at the different Thanksgiving scenarios. Your uncle's talking to you about certain things. Your grandpa pulls you to the side. Your girlfriend's dad has a story that's a classic Thanksgiving story that happened back in 1986 that he tells every year. Then you're like kind of outdated. maybe a little weird, I guess I'll laugh because I don't want to be a dick. Yeah. It's never a bad move.

The laugh is never a bad move. I always go to laugh. I'm sure this happens to you. But like with me, I'll get sometimes, whether it be either at a show, like after a show or like maybe out of bar or something, every, you all get somebody like has a pitch for me kind of, you know? Oh, no. I don't mean to be there, but like I just think this would be, this would be so funny. if you did this like then then you're like oh yeah lay it on me all right and then you're like

yeah yeah oh yeah no that that could be funny yeah there's something there's something there there's something there i always hit him with that dude dude i think yeah there's actually there's i'm gonna write that down then you do this he just delete four emails and you put your phone back down people just want to be heard man you know i i like it Keep them coming. I'm going to listen to all the pitches. From Tom. Go Broncos.

Yo dudes. Joe said he would never go to a game in Denver, and that shit don't sit right out with me. Look up the mile high miracle, 2012 AFC playoff game between Peytoning and the Joe Flacco led Ravens. Kickoff temp was two degrees. Watch it from club level.

Hot toddies were flowing like the rivers of Babylon. Broncos up seven with a minute left. Von Miller coming off the edge, hands in his face. Job Flacko Hux is the 70. yard bomb to tie it up. Crowds just electric at this point. No one's going home.

shirtless dudes all over the stadium. And double overtime, Justin Tiger hits a game winning field goal to win it. Even though my ponies lost, I'll never forget that atmosphere. Mile High is a good time. Sla my ass at 5,820 feet. I didn't say I'd never go to a game at Mile High. I said I hate watching those games on TV. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. The visual of it on TV bothers me. I don't like how the sun hits it. I don't like how the camera angle. Yeah. I don't like the time that the games are usually played. And every time that my team plays there, some fucking stupid shit happens. That business is me off too.

Yeah. Watching a Broncos game on TV makes me, like, anxious. I'm like, I don't know. It just makes you take 60 minutes. Yeah, it's just, it's, something's not, something's off. So, Tom, I would, I would gladly go out and experience mile high and do the whole thing and be out there and fuck. Yeah, that sounds great. But I just don't care to watch.

him on TV. Yeah. And you know what really bothers me? We're just going in on the Broncos. Sorry, dog. No, but the way he explained that game was he did a really good job. And it made me want to go. In club level?

Oh, club level seats are up. That's fire. But watching the Broncos on TV was bad. And they made it worse when they made orange their primary jerseys. I was like, what? Like, what a off, like, wild card move? But when they go Navy at home, I'm like, this is a little more watchable.

They did that on Sunday night football last night, and it was way more watchable. Oh, yeah, you're like, this is the Broncos. Exactly. This is the Broncos. The 405 kick with that West Coast sun hitting those bright-ass orange jersey, I just, I hate it. I hate it. Get me out of here, dude.

Way too much going on. All right, last one from Austin. subject worst punishment ever hey guys always been a fan of both you on twitter and instagram but i just started listening to both of your pods over the last few weeks loving it i've been going back to listen to old pods while i wait for the new ones to drop each week hell yeah that's great thanks dude i came across an old espresso pod where ben was talking about the worst punishment your parents ever gave you i have one that was a fun one i have one

my parents essentially put me in solitary confinement no leaving the house no phone no tv no computer and no PlayStation for a month. You might be asking, what god-awful transgression did I commit to deserve such a harsh punishment? He says he quit. I don't know if I can even say this. He said, Austin says, I quit midget football. Maybe little people football. With that said, wanted to know if Joey had a crazy punishment he can remember getting back in the day. Keep up the good work, guys, and slap my ass like a first base coach after laying out a single at Riverfront Stadium. Yeah, that's pretty harsh for quitting football there, Austin.

That is, I will say. That's crazy, though, man. Like, my parents would never let me quit anything. So that's a wild move to do yourself. You know, you'd usually ask your parents before you want to quit something. Mom, I think I want to quit whatever. And they'd be like, no, finish. And then you just don't play next year.

But if you just go in there and you're like, coach, I'm done. bro, that's an insane move as a kid. That's tough. My parents are never, like, they would get my assures. Like, I wouldn't be able to go to a Ron Collie game, you know. That one hurts. I couldn't go to the high school football game on Friday night when everybody else is there. Yeah.

I got busted. Like, they caught me having a party while they were out of town when I was like 17. And so, like, the last three weeks of summer, I was like, I just didn't have. the last three weeks of summer but like I could you know I could still have like my devices like I could still have my fucking iPod touch and like TV and shit like that I just like

when I wanted to go to somebody's house or there's a party going on I just couldn't you know so like my last three weeks of summer was done yeah that was tough but the one that the one that got me wasn't even me and I probably told it on old espresso but I have it on these guys the one that it was my friend it wasn't even me

and it's not even that bad it's just kind of funny like he got caught bringing over beers to my friend's house when we were like 16 or 17 and so his punishment his dad just like bought a six-pack of Smyranoff ice because that was the beer that he brought over nice he stole from his parents I should say uh he bought a six pack of Smyranoff ice he made him chug he would make him chug one and then do a lap around the neighborhood block like running and then he would have him drink another one and just kept doing that until, you know, three in or whatever. My friend just like yakking everywhere because he chugged three smirnoff is

ice and then was running. So he was just like, yeah, you like to drink? You like smirnoff ice? How you like it now? Dude, that's so funny. Around the block, dude. So Catholic, you know, it's like, oh yeah? You steal beers?

You want to drink? You know, your punishment? Drink more. He got the three? He got the three and then tapped out. I think that's what he says. Like three or four. Yeah, come on.

And then it was yacky. It was Puk Central. Wouldn't it be funny if it was like just 22 of them? And he's still just fucking down the block, dude. He's got to go out and buy another case. Good shit. Good shit as always. We love you guys.

I hope you guys have a really, really fun. funny, enjoyable, food-filled, football-filled Thanksgiving. Not to be like the high school coaches from the start here, you know, and send you off with some sentimental bullshit. But seriously, it is important and to be thankful for everybody and have fun. And I hope you get to do that because I'll be doing that. And I hope the clubhouse gets to do the same. Clubhouse.

Maybe they send in their most awkward moments over Thanksgiving. Oh, that would be great. to be able to read some of those off. We can do it anonymously like you do on espresso. You know, if you don't want to throw anybody on the bus. Oh, true, true. What are you going to do it anonymously? You got, you know, the most obnoxious, the most cringe,

the most awkward scenarios that you found yourself in over the next week with the holiday. Send them our way. Team these guys at gmail.com. Yeah, other than that, just subscribe. Keep sending it to a friend. We like to grow the clubhouse. and like Ben was staying, you know, send the episode link, send the YouTube link. Hey, these guys get down.

They talk about 90s football players and high school football and just have a fucking good ass time. So that would be much appreciated. That's all we want, babe. It's all we want. Give us some stars. Rate us, review us, throw something in the comments on YouTube. Who should kiss? Who should be your dad?

Just whatever. We love it. And we'll read it. And, you know, thanks for listening every time. Love you. We both start crying. Part of the show. You're a clubhouse, your family.

All right. Cool. Love you guys. Have a good week. Happy Thanksgiving. These guys. Peace. These guys.

Bye-bye. See you.