THESE GUYS! - Realizing Christmas is Over

Episode Date: December 20, 2022

BUY DETROIT HOUSE OF COMEDY TIX 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐔𝐑𝐒𝐃𝐀𝐘 𝟏𝟐/𝟐𝟐 🎟https://dettickets.houseofcomedy.net/event/benedict-polizzixFIl4hVOn this episode Ben and Joey talked about what the note from santa really meant, how INSANE football coaches and how farting is over when you're married

What up? These guys. These guys 13. These guys 13. TG 13. Be sure to check us out on YouTube. We'll continue into, you know,

little by little, little by little. These guys on YouTube. Thumbails just looking so fire. They are. Thanks. Those are good. Never been a good thumbnail guy.

Don't know how to make them. Probably never will. Who does? Apparently you do or why it does or whoever does them. Apple Podcast, Spotify as well. and hey, still time, hopefully, maybe. Come see us at the Detroit House of Comedy. Meet and greet tickets available.

We're bringing the merch and we're bringing the party. Detroit House of Comedy. The 22nd, 8 o'clock will be there. Yeah, that's, so this will come out on Tuesday. You're listening to it on Tuesday. That is the 20th of December. So we're getting close, baby. As you see, you're watching us on YouTube.

Hopefully we're some holly jolly motherfuckusk of, Look at this, dude. What is this? That is, that is... Blue handed this to me personally. Yeah, he did. God damn, I was wanting a Reptar bar. We were sitting on the field.

He got this. I got some chocolates for the fam, but it fits well. It looks good. Got the red Santa pants dance on. I got my Christmas socks with the trees. I love key, try to do that too with the socks.

It's pretty close. Look at this. These are like soccer socks. These are my sister's soccer socks from like 1998. And that pretty close. The green, the green goes. It could be a dark. green you know sometimes people wear the dark green pants or dark green sweater couldn't

find this uh mickey joint right here from naptown thrift you went there the other day yeah that place is last week he dude dude i cleaned house the instagram account i'm like where do they i know i spent like two hundred dollars really yeah yeah there's one shirt i almost bought there that was two hundred it was like a weird racing shirt it's weird when you go into places like that you just buy shit you never buy yeah i get home and you're i'm not going to wear this oh i'm wearing all of it i got uh three of these. They had a whole holiday rack. I got this one and then two more. One for Riley. One that I thought would fit me. Turns out it doesn't. So that was also is for Riley. So that's good. Back up. What was it? This one though. It was pretty similar to this. They were all red. They all had like big,

you know, cartoon type stuff, Christmas stuff. Then I got a Kyle Mooney jacket, that USA Bruce Chandling uh, joint that I posted. I saw that. I was like. Is it like a windbreaker kind of? No, it's like a leather jacket, wasn't passing it up. That's one that's like, it's got to be a very specific time for me to wear. Not just going to be wearing that out. But hey, if I want to be Bruce Chandling for Halloween, you hear about this? I can do that. And then I got this, dude, I got this Steelers starter, like puffy 90s jacket. Got a picks jacket. And they got picks. Yeah, I do. Oh, Excel. Those starter jackets, they're not really ever going to make a comeback, but when those things were hot, dude. But what?

What I love about, uh, what I love about, uh, nap town thrift. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is, you know, a lot of these thrift places nowadays, obviously like vintage thrifty shit is in, has been for a bit. But, you know, people are taking advantage of that. So they're like, oh, this is a thrift sweater that is from 1992. Oh, yeah.

That's going to be a hundred and twenty dollars. They can do anything and I'll buy it. Yeah. That's not how it is a naptown thrift. You know, like that's Steelers jacket that I got that starter jacket. People are like Mitchell Ness and places like that are charging like 200 for that. And I got it for like 40 bucks. Steal.

So go check them out. Nap Town Thrift. Honestly, those thrift places can do anything and I'll buy anything they have. Right off of 54th and Keystone, I think. Ben has no idea where that is. No, I actually do know where that is. Oh, good. You're learning streets.

No, I don't know. I don't know the fucking streets. It's by the steak and shake. It is by the steak shake off of 54th in Keystone. Dude, white people always give you numbers. in directions. It's off 42nd, 22nd, 23rd, and right off a 92 minus 8. It's, it's, it's, I'm like, just tell me it's next to Home Depot.

It's a useful skill. I'll never know, bro. You know what you, you should. Throw it in the phone. You know, what you should do is you should, you know, have a little bit of best of both worlds. All right. So no, like half of the one of the intersections and then what it's by. So just like you said.

So it's like, oh, it's a 54th by that steak and shake. Boom. There you go. Oh, that's music, dude. Right? you know just throw me a landmark and i'm in yeah landmarks are good i get that i'll go to every steak and shake in the city trying to find that shit man how much anxiety did you get as a little kid and i guess you still right now when you know a parent you know or an adult would ask

you so where do you live where where's your house uh do you know where that uh home depot is by the Greenwood Park Mall that's kind of by the McDonald's. Yeah. It's in one of those neighborhoods over there. That's pretty fire. They'd be like,

oh, wait, is that, uh, stop 11 and fry? I'm like, ah, I'm gonna have to ask my mom. Just, uh, go by North Grove and it's by there. I know from there. Dude,

so you're walking into a trap asking a kid anything. That's real. They always answer the wrong way. It's your fault for asking. Actually, they just answer everything with, Good.

They just think everything. Like they just think they get away with that. They think everybody's just asking, how you doing? I'm so scared when you're a kid. That's why every time I'm always just like, what's up? Good. Okay. Good to know.

I still don't know which neighborhood I like. I lived in Barrington grown up. Still don't know if it's east or west. Just never. It's. Is it east? East. You sure?

Yes. I kind of don't think it matters. Yeah. No, that's east. Never eat soggy waffles. Yeah. You always have to do that thing

where you're like, okay, it's here, but then I have to like put myself on a pin and spin myself. I'm like, hold on, hold on.

That's like turn all the way around while I'm talking to somebody. I'm like, it's east. It's east. Yeah. You have one of those things that's like,

really for us. It's like monument circle is like the compass for me. It's like, okay, where am I right now? Okay, so downtown,

the middle downtown's right down because I'm looking at it's north. Okay, yeah. You know, you're old as shit when you start using. It's North of here. I don't know why it's such a pet. I don't know why it's such a pet pee for me when people are just like, yeah, I'm going to go up to IU.

It's down. It's down. It's down. Going up to Purdue. You're going up to Notre Dame. You're going down to I. Now, if you're up at West Lafayette, you're still going down.

But if you're in Louisville, then you're going up to Bloomington. Come on. It's still still so confusing, but I know what you mean. West Lafayette should just be, I'm going out west. South Bend, you're going up. Shut up. That is.

That's stupid. Should be North Bend. That's what I'm saying. More like it. Dude, so I'm, uh, I'm, I'm going down to the citrus bowl with LSU. Oh. And they're, uh, are you going to, they want me to perform? You're going to explode at that.

front of the team. I have to. Yeah, I'm like... That's crazy. I'm excited, but I'm a little nervous. That's a lot of... That's a lot of kids. I'm getting old.

I mean, I'm, you know, I'm 29. I'm going into my 30 year. All these kids are like 19 years old. What am I going to talk to them about? You got a plan? Like, stand up or... Yeah, I mean, they said just anything to, like, perform and entertain for like 20 minutes.

I'm like, all right? Well, bring two. big like too big like gold like what are those things you're just like the drums 20 minutes all right now's joey mullinero didn't say a fucking word dude yeah but they're uh they're they're making me pick sides you know they're buying my loyalty you know it's Purdue and LSU there we go it's gonna be so pissed dude

hey man they didn't reach out LSU's like yeah bring you down give you access to the game sideline passes pay you the key to the city do all this shit so go tigers but uh yeah i gotta i gotta yeah i gotta talk to you after the show or something to figure out kind of what you think i should do because i don't really know but fuck it that's probably better i mean you could uh if i were you i'd probably try to roast everybody in there you can't you can't lose with a football team and a roasting players right for some players coaches really just make fun of brian kelly for 20 minutes oh it's perfect right i was like you could just you know

she's like you and ben talk about a lot of football stuff and like making fun of like coach stereotypes and like parents and like you know different stereotypes of players and shit she's like you do that and i was like yeah it probably be good bryan kelly's an easy target bro yeah yeah so that's what's going on but yeah we got the show next or we got the show on thursday too excited but nervous but excited it's all it never gets easy bro never not been nervous that's good you know what they always say when you'd be like before a big game before a test or something pretty nervous. Like it's good. It means you care. You're like, is it? Or am I think I'm just terrified. Yeah, I think I'm just unprepared. Nervous before a game was always like, I don't know if I should be.

Like I should be ready. You know, before a game, you see people learn like, let's go. Yeah. I'm like, they're not nervous. See, but then part of me thinks that like the loudest, the loudest dog is the one with the softest bite. Ooh. You know, like the loudest one is the one that's trying to cover up for how nervous they are. You ever have one of those people that like just... I'm thinking about Joey Porter. I'm like, he's not nervous. That's true.

See, there's, the NFL doesn't count. Those are different, those are different just beasts, right? I'm just talking like high school football. Oh, yeah. Like the kid that hops up before,

like the coach gives a pregame speech to try to get, you're just like, oh, God, just now I don't even want to play. There are a lot of turnoffs. before a football game for me. Everything is. Everything.

Remember we had to, okay, at our high school, we got ready for the game, like where the wait room is and coaches locker room was and shit like in the parking lot. Then we had to walk like 800 fucking miles to the stadium and then run down a hill. Dude, they start playing the

and dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, and I will walk 500 miles. Or it's just, I would da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. It's a Vanessa Carlton song. But I need you. But-a-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-ba-da.

And I miss you. And now I wonder if I could fall right through. I don't know. Why can we get to it? A thousand miles. A thousand miles. And I.

And I, and fuck, what is it? And I will just. Oh, God, what is that part? Dude, when songs are called like a thousand miles, but then it's not, when songs are called something other than what that you think they are. Yeah. Like, uh, that Billy Joel's like big with that, you know, like it'll be like, uh, scenes from an Italian restaurant.

I'm like, you're not saying that in the song. That's so weird. Scenes from an Italian restaurant. No. It's not a movie. That's a longest. Those are the longest words combined. ever. You're not putting that in a song. You know, or like the ones that do like the, like the popular part of it is the one that everybody knows, but that's not the title of it. So they'll put the popular in the parentheses. I'm like, hey, dumbass. That's what the name should have been. Just called that. Who's who's making up song names? It's like, it's the word you say the most is the song name. It's like if it was like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and it's like, so you know Dasher and dancer. Like that's the title. But then in parentheses, Rudolph.

come on. The song, the song Last Resort by Papa Roach. Yeah. Growing up, I was like, yeah, it's a song,

cut my life into pieces. Everybody's like, gosh, no, no, I was like, okay. All right,

Papa, all right, Papa. Tell me then. God dang it. Yeah, dude, I think,

that was a big turnoff before a game for me. I'm like, I'm tired. I shouldn't be tired before that. I can be nervous, but I'm not going to be

tired before a game. Or like when coaches would like make the little, you break up into, you know, your position groups. And they make that warm up like it's the fourth quarter and it's the last. I'm like, dude, we need to be, we don't like a light sweat, not fucking drenched out of breath. Before a game, you're fucking around that you're supposed to be, you're supposed to be messing around, having a good time trying to get in the zone.

You know what you're trying to do? You're trying to look cool. That's it. But that's probably why. Know what you're doing and look cool. You don't have to go hard though. Right. I would get yelled at in pretty.

game warmups every game because I'd be fucking around making one-handed catches in like doing it. Right. And probably in your team issued gear, you're good, right? You know? Everything's cool. But maybe if you're TC bands around the knee and the way, right, right. The jersey would be up. Like, shit was different, but it was, it was all good.

I was walking the line. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just the old police. It's a policy pole. That's what it was. You're walking the police pole. The policy pole, dude. I was, I was tight roping, dude.

And the coaches were like Hey! Oh, get it to go! Lock it in! I was like, dude, I'm locked the fucking shut up. Dude, I don't think there's ever been a pregame speech by a player that I've listened to and been like

Yeah, that's it. They have to be so much older than you. Even so, man. I mean, they're just, everybody's run out of a shit to say. What can you say that? It hasn't already been said. We're going to go out here and we're going to bust it for 60 minutes.

And we're going to show. Like, what? It was nice like when a coach that never spoke, though. Exactly. That was hard. Those get you hype. Or if like the head coach comes and like has like a jackhammer. Just absolutely.

Coaches do the craziest shit to get their team hype. A giant hammer jack. So I brought out this canoe. And you know what this canoe represents? It's like a fucking canoe. You brought a canoe? It means we paddle together. It has three interns like struggling to pull it into the locker room.

Three equipment managers. Yeah. That are kind of like weird. Like one has a shoulder thing. I don't know what's wrong with him, but he tried to play freshman year and he couldn't. The least athletic kids has them fucking carrying in whatever the heaviest item is that he has to have.

Like a Kenny. Need you. Grab Greggy and whoever that other guy that we just signed on to the team last week. Hey, guys, go get that giant anchor from the back. Dragging it across the floor in the locker and fucking up all the paint. Dude. Yeah, but when a code, like,

even if it's a head coach, when they have something that's like meaningful that like really tag, that would be hilarious. Just destroying the floor in the locker room. This is what we're gonna do. Code his fucking hair. Everything's all fucked up, dude.

The players are like, he like loses control of it. He starts flying a lot of the locker. Fucking hits the quarterback in the chin. Kenny Graham out for two weeks. He was supposed to get. Mr. Football, but his jaw needs reconstructive surgery after the jackhammer stunt. And then the coach has to go to jail or some shit.

But any player he talks, dude, nope, can't do it. But it's like even in the NFL, man. I mean, you know, you see that pregame shit on like CBS when they're like going to commercial or like showing like the different stadiums and they're right in there. It's just it's all the same shit, man. I can't stop thinking. I want to know the craziest thing. coach is done to hype a team up.

I know Jeff Brom like threw a chair into the locker. I feel like that's probably pretty common. Like just had one there stage, right? It's like, you know, if it's not, you're not sitting in the chair

giving a pregame speech, coach. It's like wooden and all the other chairs are like steel. Right. Everybody's like, what the fuck is that doing in here? Just a busted.

Oh, that would get me going crazy though. They like played it on the big screen at Purdue while he was still coaching there. No. Yeah, like for their like, pregame video on the big screen before that ran out of the tunnel would show you know like a bunch of highlights a bunch of guys like carrying the the Purdue pete hammer like you know doing their media day shit and then it was like it had coach brahm's uh like speech over the top of it but then the last scene was like we out we we boil the rock we hammer down we hammer down for 60 minutes and then he like took the chair and like through it and then like they're like yeah jah does i die pot damn but i back and then they you know come out do

Oh shit. I'm in there. It was awesome. I'm in there. It was awesome. But, uh, she's so loud. Yeah. Coaches,

you're good, especially if it's an assistant coach, like you said, like comes out of nowhere. He's like pretty soft-spoken. And then all of a sudden he's like losing his shit. Then you're like, yeah.

Because if he's hype, I'm hype. Right. But it's also on the other hand, it's awful when like an assistant coach get, would get the pregame speech. And they would kind of like forget or,

they just like suck at public speaking. And so their speech would just be terrible. And now you're like, now I'm like making fun of you. I forgot about the game. I know, man. That was dangerous. I mean,

it's a head coach's fault for putting them. Hey, coach, Scotty, you're in charge of the pregame this week. Like, eh, if you're going to do that, dude,

I had to give a pregame speech at Cathedral one time. Jesus Christ. We have footage of that. It was so fucking whack. Hopefully you guys are playing. Before Cathedral played Ron Colley and Ron Colley was kind of good. Oh, good Lord. They're like, now he...

Coach was like, this is your game, Bullets see, this is for you. I was like, damn. I don't give a shit. Bro, the whole day, I was sweating it. I was like, this isn't going to be good. Wow. Okay.

Because like the players know, like, that I'm the coach. That's just like, you know, I translate whatever the coach is saying to the cool to the team. You're the cool coach. Yeah. But like, come on. Give me, give me something. I've never heard of this.

I didn't know this. I know that they do highlight videos for the whole season. And there has to be footage of this out there somewhere. There's not, bro. And thank God. But I don't even remember what I said. I was like kind of blacked out. But I was like,

I made it like kind of funny and like relatable. Which is wonder why. Which isn't good. You got to give me, Sally. What was the, come on. You got to give me what was the gist of it.

Dude, I can't even. It might have been like, talking about how I might have threw in some you're gonna miss this I might have threw in some like Friday night lights

I might have threw in like this matchup's a little different yeah you can you can I honestly don't know what I was saying you can speak I deleted it out of my brain damn but it wasn't I and I think I might have stuck the landing a little bit but the players came off laughing more than they were like fire gas

yeah because the whole time they're like I know dude I because I had nothing I was like you really want me to do this, I'm the guy that's like fucking around the whole time. Like the coach is yelling at me more than the players. He's like running backs. He would address us as a group. Because he doesn't want to call you off, put you on the spot.

He's like, what are we doing in warmups? What are we doing in warmups? I was like, all right, getting a fucking line, getting a fucking line, getting a fucking line, get in a fucking line. Let me knock the ball out. Let me knock. Come on. Come on. We're getting yelled at.

Dude, the knock the ball out. Such a fucking joke of a drill. Come on. High tight. And they're holding it so fucking hard. I'm like still beating the shit of their arms. I'm like, I'm gonna go to jail.

This is weird. I'm like hitting him with the stick. Yeah. I'm like, this is so weird. The kid's fucking 16. Those are always funny. Like,

you know, when it was like summertime, like two days and you do those drills. And there's always like the sophomore or like the kid that like people low key didn't like who was just a douche. And like you'd have the bags and you would just, you know, everybody else you're kind of just like,

uh, Baker, right. You know, you go out there. right. Oh, do, do, do. And that guy goes through

and you're like, whoop. Oh, yeah. Just trying to absolutely annihilate him. He was fucking his world up. And then they fall at the end. Yeah. Like they go through the whole thing

and they fucking fall on the ground. You're like, wow. The guy sucks. Tommy, get up. Stay on your keep your feet. You're like, ha, ha, ha, bitch. So for all the ladies out there listening,

sorry, we just talked about football for 20 minutes. I forgot we were even doing this. This is just a normal-ass conversation we had like in the car. I literally forgot we were here. Are we riding up to Detroit together? Yeah, we need to plan that out. Let's talk about that too.

Do we want to stay there? Is that a thing? I don't know. I can't decide. I mean, I talk about after the show. Yeah, it makes sense. Yeah,

we are up there. But what the hell are we going to talk about the whole time? I don't know. Three days before Christmas, I wonder what we're going to talk about the whole time. Three days before Christmas on the way to Detroit. Peak football season. No clue.

What if we were dead silence the whole time? How many gas stations are we going to stop that? That's my question. Have we ever been on a long road trip like that besides like Kentucky? I think that's the longest man. Yeah, went down to the derby and I think we made one stop there, but that wasn't anything.

Still got that vlog footage. Of course, we go to Colvers and like I was hung over from Cinco to Maya, so I just got a fat burger and Ben's like, yeah, I'll take the salad light chicken. It's like, fuck you. I had to, man. Burger in the car, that's a bad, it's a bad scenario for me.

That's the best scenario to have a burger. You're just riding along. You got it in the wrapper still or you're taking a bite out of it. I'm straight ripping ass if I have a burger in the car, dog. That's not a good combo. We had, we had rye up in there. Like, it's not good for me. But you had a home field advantage.

You can do that kind of, you can get away with murder up there, dude. No one said that. But close. Changes a little bit when you're married. Those things kind of go away a little bit. Like I told you, bodily functions for some reason need to cease to exist when you become married. Sneeze. Too loud. Fart. Why are you doing that? Dude, you got to get out of there, dude. You got to leave the premises.

What am I on a moving vehicle? Oh, yeah. Dude, if you got a fart and you're around anybody's, unless it's a dude. Like, right now, you could raise a leg. Man, that's a raise a glass, dude. But like when you're like if I'm around like my mom or like just any girl bro, see it, see it later. Yeah. Gotta take a smoke break. That's such a natural reaction though, like to just lift the leg up a little bit. Oh, get in trouble.

Yeah. Dude, that's trouble, dog. It's tough, especially when it's cold out shit. You know, like Christmas Eve, you're hosting, right? Like you're out of Christmas party. It's like, you know, 23 degrees outside. I'm not a smoker. So it's just like, yeah, he's.

going outside to fucking shit himself. People know. I mean, they got to. What are you going outside for? Just cooling off. Okay. Cooling off.

Cooling off. I'm just out there fucking. Oh, yeah. I would go to another room in the house, maybe. Just like a less populated area. If it's home field advantage,

you can do that. But if you're at somebody else's house, don't, you know, you even feel bad in the bathroom if you let a couple rib because you know there's like somebody coming in there

five seconds after you do, then they're like... But it could have been the person before. Yeah. Dude, I was at your fucking house for that Christmas party. Yeah. And I know your house.

Your older apartment, I guess. And, dude, I saw I went all the way upstairs to drop one. Yeah. Because I was like, this is kind of, you know, I know what's going on there. I'm going upstairs.

Yeah. Dude, I opened the door. You know, I was taking my time during a party, you know, I was trying to get my mind right. Go up there. drop it, open the door. There's three girls waiting outside to get in the bathroom.

Mm-hmm. Worst moment of my life. Yep. Smells like complete shit in there. Yep. I'm looking at them all in the eyes, and I just fucking run downstairs like I'm five years old. Don't even say anything.

I don't even, I think I was so shook. I didn't even say shit. I didn't make up anything. Oh, the last person, you know. It was happy. Oh, was the dog. Just go to the dog.

He's not even up here. There you go. It's a litter box. It's so weird. You got fucking litter boxes. You got a giant dog. You can blame it on anything. It just,

why is Fred hanging out with the dog so much? Too much lasagna. What do you ask for for Christmas? Do you do that still? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's weird,

isn't it? That like, I always felt like you had those moments when you were growing up that made you really sad when you got to be like a teenager and shit because for whatever, reason you thought like how man like Christmas like Christmas is going to be done really once I hear in a little bit like I'm going to be too old you know like people are to stop got and then you're

never too old and you get older and I'm still like mom it's my quimmy today yeah yeah you got to want something I don't want any there's always something right come on yeah yeah your dad would definitely do that dude my dad's Christmas can't when it comes the presents my dad's not shying away dude for what he wants or what you ask No, my dad doesn't fucking want anything. That's what I said. He would kill himself before he asked for something. Like, he might ask for something like in, like April.

And you got to like, oh shit, write that down. Thinking about watching your dad open a Christmas gift makes me want to jump out of window. Dude, it, it hurts. It hurts. I feel like he would just open it and just like walk away because he doesn't know what to do. He's like, you guys open them. I'm good. His own gifts.

His own gift. I'm like, yo, we all, we all, uh, you know, we're really proud of it. Yeah, this is a big thing. We all pitched in one year, got him an iPad. You guys open it. So he's only, he actually wanted it. Wanted something for once. And I was like, we did it.

We got it. The one with the storage he needs. Like, we're in here. The three way gifts, man. You guys, all the siblings. You guys opened it for me. Sitting on the couch just could not be bothered, bro. I know your dad's Christmas king.

He is. Can I, deep down? Can we, you know what we should do? We should do like the, Wednesday night before the show. So tomorrow night. We should get together with Coach P. He's dying for Christmas.

Have some wine. He's dying. Let's do it. Dude. Let's go to like herring. I don't know. Whatever he wants to do. We should do that.

He'll be like, it's up to you guys. I'm not picking. I would, dude, that would, that's what I want for Christmas. It's some wine and Christmas with the Christmas king.

He is. He's Christmas king, bro. But what do I want this year? Wow, look at you with the left and the right on. Nice. Yeah. Does that bother you if they're not right?

Not anymore. It used to a lot, but then I started running low on socks. Sometimes you got to do it. Sometimes you got to do what you got to do. Nike signs on the inside of my leg. It's one of those days. You got no choice. Flip it inside out.

Yeah. Okay, go ahead. Maybe I'll make it. Hey, you can interrupt. The interrupting shit is my favorite part of this podcast. All right, what I went for Christmas? I actually want a like a new couch.

Like a badass couch. Wow. I want to own a couch. Like people might have like owning houses. I was like I want to own a couch. It's all I need. Just give me a couch that hasn't been anyone else's before me.

I like it. You thinking like an L shape? Mm-hmm. An L leather. I got it all picked out. Nice. It's just, uh, what are we thinking like Wayfair, home?

Home goods? Mm-hmm. I'm thinking... I don't do IKEA. No. See, I don't... Everybody's pushing me. I'm getting pressured

into IKEA furniture. I think it's shitty. It is. Right? I mean, it's cheap and you make yourself and it looks good, but like,

dude, I feel like if I like cannonballed on that couch, it's gone. If you get one from IKEA, you know what you'll be asking for next Christmas? Another couch.

I thought you're gonna Johnson me so hard there. Yeah, but yeah, for real. That was the most dad thing ever, but you're right. Like I want to pay some decent money for a couch. So like it's going to last. I was going to say. So if you're asking, is that like a Christmas? Because when you get older, obviously,

you know, become an adult, it's like everybody has that, you know, it's kind of a Christmas gift for myself because it's like you kind of feel bad asking for it. Also, if it's something like that, you kind of just want to take liberty and be like, I want to pick it out. I want to get it in there. Like, you know, your dad's not gifting you a couch on Christmas. He wouldn't know. You guys not giving you a couch on February 13th. He'd be. Yeah. which is Christmas. But he would be like, hey, I'll get half of it. That's good.

So I'm like, all right, bet. I'll do all the fucking back end work having it deliver. You know, he does, he's not going to do it. But he'll be like, I'll get half for Christmas. And then I'm like, hell, yeah. We got, yeah, when we moved into our house, we got a new L shape. And it's, it's great, man. You love it.

You know, it's, I fucking love it. Every time I walk in, I'm like, they do have that. Yeah. It's like wide, you know, so you can kind of, sprawl out, taking a nap, plenty of people could sit, have people over. Dude, that's a, you have a long ass couch. You can sit, you can sit a whole fucking

it's movable. Freshman baseball team on that thing. Oh, old. Dude, totally line. No, probably not. Okay, a couch. Offensive linemen. Different breed.

Different breed. Yeah, couch. I'm thinking about getting it from what's that place, West Elm. Is it up at the Keystone Mall? Yeah. That furniture store there. Nice as shit.

I know. We were just talking about it the other day. It's like you feel like you got to dress up to go up to the Keystone Mall. I was scared to ask him a question. Dude, you walk into the Keystone Mall with joggers on? Man, I feel like those dirty looks.

They're like, who the fuck are you? Get your trash out of here. Yeah, the Keystone mall is like a place you go, like you're dressing up like you're going to do a photo shoot. It's a fucking full day. I love it though.

Yeah, it's great. And then you don't find what you need there and you go to the Castleton Mall. and you're just, I, I overdressed. You better come to play

when you go up to the Keystone Mall. That's for sure. Very sexy, Mall. What about you? Couch. Interesting. What did I ask for one?

A couple pairs of shoes. I think I'm in my shoe era. Uh-oh. Shoe era unlocked. Sho era unlocked. And then, um, just all bullshit,

man. You know, it's all just, I have, I hate to be that guy, but it's like, I have everything I need. I have everything I want.

It's all just bullshit. What shoes? What shoes? The high top black and gold, Steeler joint. Ones? No, the... Dunks.

Dunks. High top. Yeah. Those. And then I always like my low top reboc, just classic white. Got re-up, get a new pair. Got a re-up.

Yeah. They don't really know. I was, you know, it's always like Halloween when I send that shit over. And so, but it's kind of, It's kind of nice.

Man, that's early. I'm just like, I don't, what, I asked for this? Oh, okay, cool. It's always a scramble. Oh, bro, I asked for a Lego set. You did? Yeah. Dude, Star Wars popping off with those Lego sets.

I noticed that when I was a kid, I was like, dude, Star Wars, it kind of owns Lego, maybe? I mean, pretty close. It's big. Yeah. Got like a, I think either Mandalorian or Baby Yoda one. And it's, yeah. But what's good about it is that, you know, the problem with Legos for me is always like, how do you, what do you do with it once it's done, right?

How do you display this? These come, it's almost like a, like a bus in the Hall of Fame. Like they have like a platform that it's on and you build it on that. And so it's like a helmet sitting on like a platform. Is there like a cover thing you put it over? He probably could get one. But also you could just like put it up on a shelf. Yeah.

You're kind of playing with fire there. It's going in the cave. Oh yeah. Cave for sure. A lot of cave stuff. Nothing crazy though. Not to that point. I don't know what to get my son.

you know Legos grown up are just amazing. I just can't stop thinking about that right now. Just building an entire soccer stadium when I was a kid. The satisfaction at the end, phenomenal. The frustration when you can't find. There is always something that you're like, where is that piece? You're like, I know this is not in the box. Did I buy the wrong kit?

Right. I know there's not. We got the malfunction one. There's not a piece in here. And then it just turns out it was just like, you know. Oh, you're always the idiot. Yeah. What should you get a little Frankie, bro?

I don't know, man. That's what, I mean, he's three and a half months old. I feel like Frankie's got some fits. He does. But, I mean, you know, he can get him. He's like, he's, dude, he's starting to, like, giggle. It's crazy. It's, no way.

What's he laugh at? It's interesting. Like, I mean, it's pretty funny, actually. Like, he hasn't really laughed at me yet. He laughs at his mom. And he laughs while he's in the bath. What's going? What's right?

She's, he's in the bath. Cracking him up. He loves being in the bath. and then he just kind of like she'll just you know be giving him a bath or whatever like grabbing his feet and just got to be in like hey my hands and he just cracks up like he loves it that's great but yeah he's like starting to giggle so he's like with it you know he's like starting to giggle he's awake most days but he's not in it enough to like open gifts and know what the hell's going on you know so it's like I don't want to go crazy on him but also I do because it's my son and it's his first Christmas so that's an interesting dynamic was you playing with toys yet I don't know. Might be a stuffed animal type of thing. Stuffed animal. He does like some of those.

He's got them all. Next Christmas that'll be the one where it's like, I guess we'll be walking. A little Frankie start building some shit. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, we got to map out the gas stations on the way to Detroit here. Dude, it's the way back for me.

The way up there at gas stations, yeah, you're hammering the coffee, but on the way back is when shit gets dangerous. Are you saying like, I'll fuck running by 15 Snickers bars. It's going to be real dangerous too because we're going to be coming back two days before Christmas. So it's like our favorite day of the year, nothing matters.

It's, you know, usually if you're coming back from like a trip that you're excited about or something, it's like, back to the grind. Oh my God. Tomorrow's Christmas Eve that it's Christmas. Coming back on the hottest day of the year. That does. Can't waste any time, though. Can't waste any time.

Coming back on the 23rd. 23rd is my new favorite day. We were talking about that. Every year it gets one day before. Yeah. A few years out. 60 years. December 18.

I'm like Halloween's my day. Dude, but like honestly like halfway through just like Christmas Eve, I'm like it's over. You can't say that. But you know. Christmas Eve fully exists. It's over. It's over. No, I told you.

It's over. Like 1 p.m. or 2 p.m. on Christmas day. This is really the time right now though. 2 p.m. to 5 p.m. on Christmas Day, worst time of the year. On Christmas Day. Worst. I'd rather, I'd rather be the first day of school. Wait, wait, wait, what? After 5 o'clock, you get kind of a little, like, jolt. You get a little jolt, because it's like usually that's not over yet. It's not over. You got the second half. You're giving a speech, you know, like the, like the coaches or the idiot assistant. But yeah, it's not over. Usually have like the second Christmas or whatever. It's where it's okay. We're

having a good dinner. Like, it's Christmas night. Like, everybody's like, oh, it's Christmas night. Yeah,

you're kind of, you get over it. Getting a good meal, having some wine now or whatever. Maybe a little drunk. Maybe a little drunk, you know, you got some bullshit football game on.

You're like, okay. This was, you know what? That's when you lean back and you're like, it's not too bad. I'm blessed. Because your brain,

you're so, you've gone insane to the point where you're like, I'm blessed. You do one of these. You just go, you look at the chaos going around the room,

you say. I'm a lucky guy. This is nice. Can't wait till next year. It's over. Two to five though. I'm just like, don't talk to me.

The emotions are running high. Don't talk to 30 on Christmas. It's always like when the bullshit NBA game starts too. Oh, you hate that probably. I forgot that you're like, you don't care about the NBA as much as other people do. But like they try to make Christmas. Bucks and bowls.

They do make those. Noon is cool. because it's like, you know, maybe a Madison Square Garden. It's still early in the day. Like, you know, like your mix. Everything is exciting. Like, wow, so good. The 2.30 fucking, the bucks and the fucking trailblaze.

But then the 5 o'clock game with the Lakers, you're like, okay. Lakers play a 5 every time. Yeah. I do like that really early game on Christmas. Anytime any game is super early. I'm like, they're already doing this. Oh my God. did I like over sleep.

It's Christmas. I love you. Just dropping L bombs like crazy on Christmas, dude. texting people I don't even know. Love you, bro. I'm like, why the fuck did I just say it to my uncle? Just drunk off happiness. Just drunk off Christmas cheer.

Oh my God. Do you see his shoes? I love you. Every Christmas, dude. Did you have some of that? Doing shit I never do, eating shit I never eat. Yeah, the pretzel bread. I love you.

Dude, dude. Oh my god. Do you see the gift I got her? Do you, uh, did you guys back of the day, like you and your friends, like send each other what you got and shit? Merry Christmas boys.

Oh, boys. What you all get? What did you all get? I got some shoes, a gift card, some socks, a jersey, a Nike hoodie, a pair of skis. Ski. dude everybody

who got a fucking like ski trip for Christmas fuck off God has a feel to be a trust fund baby a ski trip for Christmas yeah actually yeah not not too much we just did stockings on Christmas

morning because we're taking off for Denver and the in the morning so shut up or what's that we're actually we're we just did stockings light on candy and then the 26 we're heading out to the ridge yeah Breckenridge no it's

the, oh yeah, 26. We do this every year. It's, uh, me and my family go to perfect north. That's like, that's that, I mean, that's, you know, that's middle class. I'll never go. Right. That's like, everybody never gone skiing? Oh my God. You're missing out. No, I'm not. Yeah. The ortho indie kids, they're going to like Breckenridge and fucking Tahoe and everything. And then me and you're like, yeah, perfect north. We're cool with that. I'm good with just, just seeing pictures. I'm good with Hill Valley Estates. I'm good with sledding over a fucking road speed bump. Just the park behind the house with the like mini hill.

That's cool with me. You guys know Stop 11 and bluff that big hill. Yeah, we're just going to go down that. By the Home Depot. Yeah, Dave's skiing. That article about Andrew Luck, they just came out. And they were like, he really enjoyed skiing because he could cover up with a mask and a hood and right up the hill and talk to people and they wouldn't even realize it was him.

I was like, who fuck isn't realizing that's Andrew Luck when he opens his mouth? That's what I'm saying. Like, you can't tell. I was like, he really just enjoyed his, you know, a nominid, I don't know. I don't know, but we know. Yeah. He really enjoyed

being anonymous and that. I'm just, I don't want that, man, skiing. Breaking a leg. Automatic broken leg. Automatic torn MCL. Anything like that. If you walk, if you go skiing, you with a torn MCL, I think that's a wind. It really is.

Because I think, I'm thinking like snapping your femur and half, like breaking your back. Like, not worth it. A torn ligament, man, you know, so I'm still walking. I'm good. Limpin out of the fucking, yep. Limpin out of the lodge. Did you ever want to snowboard? Yeah, bad.

Everybody had that phase growing up. Dude, my uncle did. And I was always jealous. I got a snowboard for. Christmas one year. And that was like, yeah, you know, it was like some shit you'd see in a magazine. I was like, fuck. And you can't wrap it. So it's just kind of like there. Yeah. You always got the exposed present. That's like, oh. That's a good. That's a good. Okay. This is interesting how the dynamics work in this because you know, you have different households, different families that do a different

ways. How did the Politzis do like the Santa Gifts? Did you do Santa Gifts? Did you do Santa Gifts? how were they laid out, how were they presented? It's pretty much like under the tree leading up to Christmas, it'd be, yeah, from, from mom, from one of my sisters, like kind of like family gifts under there. Nothing crazy, though. It was all just like a little envelope type shit, like nothing, nothing wild. Or like a little shoebox kind of deal.

Yeah, that idea. That's as big as it's getting. And then Christmas morning, there'd be all the gifts. And it says from Santa on there. They're all wrapped. Yeah. Interesting. Unless it's like a bike. You know,

you get the bike fucking park next to the wall and the tree and you're like, oh. Yeah, right. Yeah, I got a bike when I was six and I fainted. Bike. Fake fainted. Ooh. Home video. I like come out and I like just fall over.

Burpee boy. One of those. That's hard, bro. That's six. You're ahead of the game. You're head of the faint game. Dude, I was such a dramatic little bitch.

Especially when the camera's on, Dude, I literally just posted a TikTok from that same Christmas. It's later that day. My grandparents, I got a Nintendo 64. I was literally Nintendo 64 kid. Like, saw the cameras on me and I was just like dancing going nuts. This is a good dance. I did like a freeze.

Like just what, you know what I mean? Like I can't tell if he wanted to be on camera one day. Like, Jesus. Right. Then get back into it. Did you get back into it after the freeze? I don't remember. I cut it off.

Hopefully I did. I got to remember. He definitely remember. He definitely fucking wound it back around. The freeze. See, this is interesting, though, because I feel like the more and more people I talk to, I'm in the minority here because what it was at my house and still is.

You've told me this before I can't wait. Is the same as you, you know, the presents from my folks or whoever would be wrapped throughout the month or right, lean up to Christmas. And then on Christmas morning when me and my sisters would, come downstairs or go out to the living room or whatever, the gifts from Santa would just be out there. They wouldn't be wrapped. Yeah, that's, that's cool.

They'd be next to our stocking. So it was like Santa just swooped in. He didn't, you know, he's pulling him out of the bag and he's just putting them there. You know what I mean? So, like, I'd come down when I was like 10. I had younger sisters. Yeah, I might be like, you don't believe Sam of 10? Just, yeah.

Um, I would come down and like, you know, mine, I'd have like a Mark Pryor jersey laying there. And then like a Lord of the Rings video game and then, you know, a Cubs hat and then my stocking would have. You know what I mean? So like the big Santa gifts or whatever would be like there. The Santa's like, ho ho ho pulls them out of the back. Bam. Smart. Smart.

So, but then everybody else I talked to. Everybody's like, yeah, they just show up on Christmas morning. They'd be wrapped and they'd say from Santa. Yeah. Oh shit. Okay. It makes sense probably more the way you did it. But parents aren't thinking like that.

Dude, your parents were trying to really, really sway you to this. Like, Santa was here. Did like the little like reindeer trail shit in the backyard. Oh, yeah. We did all that bullshit too. The cookies. God, fuck.

I always took another bite of that cookie in the morning. It's like kind of stale. Finish that bitch off, dude. Did you're. But it's like a real. a real afterthought. Did you, you know,

you're a present, boom, all this shit, bang, go through all the trash way, boom, stockings. Oh yeah,

I forgot. Then like, three hours later, I'm like, the cookie. Dude, see, I was like,

the biggest bite in the world. You only left one cookie out for him? It was like two, but he just, ah, hammer a one, bro. We're actually talking about Santa.

He would just fucking hammer a bite, bro. By the end of the, it just looked like a crescent moon at the end. It was just like, well yeah I mean he has the whole night where he's got to go right you can't eat all I mean I know he's a big guy

but he can't just clean the plate did did your Santa only like like drink like leave a little bit of milk you know like drink a court like wasn't clean in the milk yeah yeah it was kind of like a little bit in there so it's like oh he took a drink I look in the glass I didn't inspect it like I was a fucking detective I'd be like he dipped a cookie in there's a little bit of cookie residue in there I'm like holy shit he dipped it Santa you You sneaky. You sneaky ass. Did your,

did your Santa ever leave you like a note? No. No. The only thing, only written evidence I read from Santa was just on the presence. You know,

too from. Yeah, I was, you know. But the handwriting on the presence would look a little different. Yeah.

Somebody was behind that. I was dumb enough to, well, it was probably like, I never really saw my dad's handwriting too much when I was younger. I was so my moms.

So maybe just the, that, you know, my dad would do it. But yeah, they would leave a little note on, like, a piece of, like, fucking Christmas paper, like, a special paper. Oh, Santa's notebook. Joey and Maddie, you've been very good this year. Remember to listen to your parents and get good grades. No, he, like, all of a sudden becomes, like, one of those fucking, like, drug, like, crime dogs, you know? Don't do drugs.

Stay in school. It's like, the fuck, Santa. Hey, Jesus Christ. I thought you're on my side. Getting a little too real here, man. Talking about homework and shit. It gets super real. He's like, and wash the dishes

and remember last time you didn't dry him off, you piece of shit. Maybe get your sister to put them away and help you out. It's like cutting real deep. And don't fuck up your school shoes that I just buffer you. They're $110. You're like, God damn, Santa.

This is your mom speaking through Santa because it's the only way you'll listen. For sure. If you get an in-school suspension, it again. I'm going to fucking kick you out and you got to go to Center Grove. You're like, I didn't know Santa knew about fucking Center Grove. Just a whole bunch of shit. And you look at your

parents and they're like, he's always watching. You're like, oh my God, you're right. Holy shit. Cors he knows. It's in the song. Kind of scared of Santa now. Santa's watching everything. And remember, not to forget your math book and school

again, because it's been three times this quarter and your grade is sinking quickly. Oh, ho. Don't hang out with that Zek kid at school because we think he does drugs. And his mom and dad fight at your basketball games.

So it's a good reason not to go over to his house. You're like, Jesus Christ. In that voice, bro. You're like, wow, that was magical. Thanks for the cookies, you bitch. You're like, what? Oh, Christmas. I love you, Santa.

I love you, Santa. Nah, if you say the T and Santa, you're an alien disguised as a human. It's just Santa. Oh, yeah, if you hit that hard now. The hard tea is, all right, you're an alien that came to Earth and you're a detective on Earth. Santa. Hi, Santa.

Santa, bye-bye. I love Santa. I have been good this year, Santa. It's just what did you get from Santa? S-A-N-A. Santa. The Santa dance. Santa Claus.

Hey Santa. Hey Santa. I sing about best Christmas songs. I ran it back in my head. The best best Christmas song is Merry Christmas by In sync. That is a good one that doesn't get enough love and happy. You know, they're inclusive. Happy holiday.

Wait. Wait. Yeah, no, that's what it is. I was trying to think they said New Year. Merry Christmas and happy. No, it's happy holidays. Yeah. It's happy holidays.

Yeah, that was really good one. Last Christmas, I haven't listened to that more since we talked about it because it's just so emotional and just gets you. You should check out Harry Connick Jr. Christmas real good. Sexy. Give me a little, sing it for me.

Well, he's got, he does, all we do is fucking burp on this podcast, dude. Jesus Christ. The last 30 minutes, dude. Burping her coughing. He has a song. The amount of times I've almost thrown up on this podcast. He has a song that's on there.

It's called Must have been old Santa Claus. It's like an original, I'm pretty sure. It's real catchy. Santa Claus, Santa Claus. Must have been on Santa Claus. Happy ho ho. And then he's, it's kind of one of those where he's like sing talking like through a story. So I looked outside my window and saw Santa Slay.

Rainier on the track saying, yeah, hey, hey. the reindeer on the track to say you and they got like a big band in the back you know with like some fucking trombones Oh yeah Yeah sexy sexy Christmas How about like

Believe in Santa so much When you're a kid That you actually think you hear The reindeer on top of your house That's some strong belief right there man No but like you know Like when you're scared You like your brain tricks you into thinking

There's something in your room Like maybe that was I'm like, I swear I heard him. I swear I heard him. Yeah. I heard him. You tell your sister. Yeah.

Did you hear him? Right. Yeah. I think I heard him. Yeah. But there, like it was that like, it was like an hour ago and you're like, no, but.

But yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, but maybe, maybe I was messed up and I looked at the clock at the wrong time. They're looking at the clock when you're trying to sleep on Christmas, nothing ever move slower in the world. I feel you've been laying down for nine hours. 4.37? It's not even Christmas yet. Like you're,

you feel like you've been laying there for nine hours. It's still like 11, 25 on Christmas Eve. God, that fucking sucks, dude. When it's real early in the night. 11? What? You're like,

I swear to God, one time I got up at 4 a.m. And I was like, I'm just, I'm just doing it. I'm just, we're starting early this year. All right, everybody? We're starting early.

There's always like a fucking time we're constrained. It was always like, not before 7.30. I don't want you knocking on my door before 7.30. so like me and my sisters would have to just like fuck around and you know put on another Christmas movie right it's the best shit ever but like at the time it's just like totally it's only 5 30 I was I would there was no laws in my in my house bro if the presents were set it was it was time and I always got downstairs and investigate

the present situation that's tough suddenly like the little Christmas light on the tree he'd like use it as a flashlight almost and see I couldn't do that because my shit was out you know like I just had so I couldn't oh that's okay you know weird I didn't even ruin it you know I'd go out there and be like whoa Sammy Sosa whoa oh Troy Palmol jersey that kind of shit but yeah uh all right that is uh this this is these guys Christmas we talk about it all time but uh yeah this is it Christmas this week hope you have a Merry Christmas a happy holiday um come see us in Detroit Thursday. Get your ticks. Be sure to follow us on Apple Pots. Subscribe, follow on Spotify, wherever we get your pods on YouTube. You got to crank those numbers up, watch and hang with us

every week. Every Tuesday, a new show drops. So yeah, Merry Christmas. Get your tickets. See you next time. Peace.