THESE GUYS! - Shut Your Happy A$$ Up

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

This week the boozehounds talk about how ham is wildly overrated🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 Tampa, FL 4/27 https://improvtampa.com/ShowDetails/d8ced7f0-fb31-41ba-86c6-14ef820cde86/86796be0-6fce-4955-94fc-cf1047b171ae/Benedict_Polizzi/Tampa_ImprovBoston, MA 5/4 https://wl.seetickets.us/event/Benedict-Polizzi-800pm/532615?afflky=LaughBoston🎟 𝗔 𝗡𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗧 𝗪𝗜𝗧𝗛 𝗝𝗢𝗘𝗬 𝗠𝗨𝗟𝗜𝗡𝗔𝗥𝗢Indianapolis, IN 5/25 https://thevogue.com/events/an-evening-with-joey-mulinaro-friends-may-25-2023🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://youtu.be/xxQ75QbyHHY🧢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗦𝗘 𝗚𝗨𝗬𝗦! 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/products/unisex-premium-sweatshirt-1

Because when you say it to somebody that's actually, like if somebody said it to me, I'm happy about something. Shut your happy ass up. I'm like, oh, God. No, now I'm miserable. It worked. Upcoming stand-up comedy shows, April 27th, Tampa. See you guys there.

Can't wait. Just got my plane ticket. See you, psycho, sexy bitches on the 27th Thursday. Then the next Thursday, I will be in. in Boston on the fourth. Laugh, Boston. I've never been to Boston, and I'm terrified,

but it's going to be a good time. And then a couple Thursdays later, I'll be at the Vogue in Indianapolis, kicking off race weekend. Tickets available at thevogue.com. Also at all of our bios, pretty much if you just look, search us at all,

follow us, you will find the tickets in our bios. Tap the link. Tap the link. Tap the link there. So there's just some, there's just some comedy Shows happening everywhere. Hey, let's start this show. TG 29. Showtime.

29? 29. 29. 29. 29. Never know, but 29. 29. 29. Hey, guys, we're on YouTube. The show's on YouTube. You can watch us. I don't have that cool of an outfit on this week. I kind of... What happened? I don't know, man. I don't know. You ran that on Apple, Spotify, Stitcher. I've been seeing some couple comments. They're like, thank God. Hey, I forgot. I was wondering whether you guys are on Stitcher. That's my main. source of podcasts. It's the only app I have on my phone. There you go. Uh, all those. But yeah, YouTube, we have fun. And now we have the ability to, uh, thanks to Wyatt, wave one.

We can, uh, you know, all the bullshit we talk about like the donut falling on the phone at home alone. Now you guys can watch it too. So watch us on YouTube. These guys. Give us a subscribe. Like the episode. Send it to your friends. Do some spring cleaning. Uh, with the these guys on. Dude, throw a review in there too. Nothing hotter than a, just like an inside joker review. Inside joke reviews. I never want to kiss anybody more than an inside joke reviewer person. Actually, don't even write a review. Just put the kiss emoji in there. That's all we need. Five stars in a kiss emoji. All our reviews. Jesus. That would go hard. How was your Easter, man? It was good, actually. Had brunch. Garden table? Mm-mm. Skyline Club. Whoa.

Yeah. It's like that. We do Easter big. Jesus was risen and you guys were rising too. Risen. You guys had risen up to... He wasn't the only one risen. That's why you were dressed up to the nines. Yeah, dude, I was feeling myself. What does that mean, by the way?

To the nine. It sounds like an old, like, golfy thing. To the nymphie term. That's happy Gilmore, but that's a bad thing. Yo, what's dressed to the nines mean? Dress to the nine. It's going to be the simplest thing and people in the comments are going to be like,

you know what that means? What are the nines? Or it could be a, what if it's a Kentucky Derby reference? It kind of seems like that. Yeah, dude, I've been waiting to wear those pink shoes and that pink hoodie. I just didn't know when it was going to drop. And I thought of it miraculously before Easter and it went down. A little too warm to wear the hoodie, huh? Yeah, but I was walking there. So I was like, what if it is a little chilly? Never know. But then you're kind of like by the time, like when you walk out of your place, you have the hoodie on, you're like, yeah, thank God I wore this hoodie. But then when you make the, you know, mile and a half trek to where you're going, by the time you're there, you're like, I'm sweating. My whole back. Oh, the back sweat. God dang. Yep.

Back sweat will kill you. That happened to me at Wrigley at opening day. And bought this dope-ass cubs bomber jacket. It's like one of those has like all these like random patches, you know, of like the World Series champion. Love a patch, dude. Love a patch on anything. You know, National League has a couple different of the Cubs ones right here. Like, it's so sick.

But I had that on over a hoodie. You know, it's opening day. And it was like, calling for a high of like 51. So I'm like, yeah, it's going to be pretty chilly. It's jacket. But then we're sitting in the sun, man. And so I'm like, but I'm not, I just bought this jacket for a pretty hefty price. Got a rocket.

It's part of the fit. You take that off. You lose it all. You lose all your confidence. Exactly. If I take that off, then I'm just, you're just guy at a game. I'm just guy in a hoodie at a game. Yeah, you're like a season ticket holder now.

He gives a shit. That jacket on. It's like, oh, he's going to the W club. Wait, he's, he's, that's him. Right. Yeah, that's how our messed up brains work. No, I think that's normal. But yeah, you, you trade out, you trade out the fit or you trade out the sweat for the fit.

Like you, you, you'll sweat, your back will be completely soaked into a different color, but you got to have the, you got to keep it all together. Style over comfort. Absolutely. Got to keep it. So you kept the jacket on. and just power through the sweat. Hell, I kept the jacket on through the drive back to our hotel.

I was, the whole time I was on. You had slick back going? Oh, yeah, big time. I had to do, hey, I had to do a couple of these. Couple of the, yeah, that's what you got to watch on YouTube. The old back sweat, the old back sweat maneuver. Yeah, I like that. The old fan down that does absolutely nothing.

The back sweat fan, it airs it out. You just got to air it out a little bit, you know, get some flow going in there. Yeah. Plus, your shirt is like stuck to your back because of the sweat kind of. Yeah. So you got to get it off there. The news if you take that jacket off, can't. How much did we luck out last year of the Kentucky Derby?

Because it wasn't hot. It wasn't that hot. Oh, it was like cold. It was like 71 in overcast. It was like, I'm not even sweating at all. I love that. It was perfect weather. I'm really nervous because I'm going again this year.

I'm really nervous because, you know, it's just how the law of like equals. It's just how that happens. Like last year, 71, cloudy, comfortable. This year it's going to be like 92, no clouds at all. I'm going to be dressed and everything. Drenched, but I will still have everything on. You're going to be a mess, dude. Bird.

Oh, whoa. I love you, burpy boy. Whoa. But, yeah, it was a good time last year, except for my feet bleeding for three and a half hours. But that's kind of, that's kind of what made it. You know, you got to have a weird experience on a trip. You got to have the ice breaker. That was the ice breaker, the skin breaker.

The thing that you all, yeah, like, you know, 20 years around. Oh, that was the trip that Ben busted his foot. Yeah, you know, she was just bleakers. bleeding everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah, you're right. You got to have one of these. All right. Dress to the Nines. A phrase is said to be Scots in origin. The earliest example of the phrase is from 1719 epistle to Ramsey. Bonnie lines therein. I have no idea. To the nines is an idiom meaning to perfection to the highest degree in modern English usage. Dress to the nines. Not saying that anymore. Still, still, they didn't explain the nines. It's just like, yeah,

This is what you thought it was. This is what it is. Scottish. Cool. It's a good Easter. Good, good, you and Coach P. Just going to brunch? Yeah, it's tough to get a picture with Coach P.

Just you guys? Oh, no. The whole fan was there. The whole step fam was there. Oh, forgot about the step fam. That's why you were going up to the spinny place, nice place. Oh, no, it's not the spinny place, but yeah. What is it?

It seems like it. It's just at the top of the One America building. They have like a little brunch. spot up there. Oh, that's cool. Food was mid. Really? Yeah. Anything that has a cool view, a cool atmosphere, they focus too much on the atmosphere and the view. And then they're just like, I, we'll get everybody here because of the view. And then they just serve you kind of n. It was so like, right? That's why you want to go to a place that's called like the stack house. That food's banging. Right. And you look at it. Everybody's sweaty like they've been wearing a coat the

whole day. Like one of the windows maybe is like kind of like the the wood, right? Like you're like, I think they maybe need to replace that window. Oh, it has like the wood over like a tornado's going to go through the moon. Yeah, exactly. It's called like the stack house and it's kind of like tucked away behind a gas station and it has one of those windows. That is where you're going to get awesome food. You're not going there though. You're not going there. Unless you're with the boys. I have a couple places. You're not taking a girl there. The stack house. Wait, what about that pancake Lincoln Square. Is that it? That is what,

this is reminiscent to that. Okay. I'm thinking of a different place. Yeah, food was all right. I had the, had the, I just had everything I eat. I just, it's all the same shit that I eat every single day. Easter brunch. I had shrimp, eggs and like a piece of ham. Nothing special. God. I, I, I'm good on him until next year after Easter. Why is it so like, it's the worst deli meat? Everybody slaps that in your face, man.

you walk in and they take one of those like toy hams that you give a dog and they literally fucking knock you over the head with it it's a big day for ham ham's biggest day is easter for sure one thousand there's no other time you ever even think about eating ham when's one's one time you went to subway and you're like i'll take a ham footlong yeah what right it's it's it's always kind of wet i i'm a little too wet for me i i still i don't know the origin of that How did everybody just decided, just, everybody decided to get together and say, we're having ham on Easter. And when I say everybody, I mean everybody who celebrates Easter. I think there's a draft for the deli meats.

And it's, but it's not even like, I mean, like, I guess. Ham was pretty low, dude. That'd pick Easter. You got delegated to that. Jesus. Literally. That's always like a weird balance is how, like, Easter is the most important holiday and, you know, that religion. So trash.

Easter, bro. God, man. That's the one holiday where you'd be like, mom, can I get over my friends at like four o'clock later on?

She's like, yeah, that's fine, whatever. Yeah. She's like, why wouldn't you be able to? Oh,

it's Easter. Shit. Yeah, we just wait until like 2 p.m. If you do, if you try to pull that on Christmas, you know, no, no,

can't even ask that on Christmas. You crazy? Easter is such a wash. Are we doing it this? year, I've said that about Easter probably seven times in real life to my dad. We doing anything this year? Are we going anywhere? It's always at the, you know, usually like Christmas and Thanksgiving.

That's all at like the grandparents house. Easter's always at like solo house. Cousin. Not even, dude. Not even making, not even making it out of the dry boy for Easter. And you're only, you know, Thanksgiving and Christmas, you're there. I mean, you're there. You're getting there at four o'clock on Christmas.

and you're staying until like the little kids are starting to fall sleep on their parents. And it's like, oh, time to go home for Santa. Yeah. You know, and you're playing games and you got wine and you're eating pasta. Easter, it's like, let's get in. Let's have some ham because we have to and we're getting out. I don't even think that it's even a trip. Right?

Like Christmas, Thanksgiving, everybody's like, yeah, the second week of November, that weekend we have this family's Thanksgiving. and then we have the other families Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving. And then we have his parents the day after Easter. Nobody has like the week before Easter. No, you don't even know what you're going to wear till like 10 a.m. On Easter. You're just picking shit to Good Friday. And you're like, oh, I guess I have a half day.

Oh, that Easter Sunday. Is anybody hosting? Do I have to bring a side dish? What's even on TV on Easter? Is there anything? Is it master shit? Well, that happened this year. But yeah, probably like either NASCAR or golf or something, maybe basketball.

Yeah. Get out of here. I guess basketball. Yeah. The colors everybody's got, you know, it's very pastel. So pastel. Oh, they push that in your face. Man, everybody's bringing out the yellows, the pinks.

My dad was wearing a yellow shirt. I was a year ass bought in. You're wearing yellow? But you bought into the Easter program. Good Lord. Throw some bunny ears on while you're at it. Yeah, I was staring a pink shirt on. I was just staring at it.

I looked at mine too. I looked at mine too. And I was like, man, I just got to go with just your regular, like baby blue. Pink was looking at me in the closet. His arm was sticking out.

Bro. I was like, hey, whoa, what's you doing? You whispering to me? You're talking to me? Pink shirt.

It wouldn't stop staring at me, man. And I was like, I can't, I know, no, no. I'm not passed down. It's the only day you can do it. I'm not pastel Pete on Easter.

I'm not doing it. Were you ever pink guy in high school? Oh yeah. Couldn't do it. Dude, I think I think one year for my, for my junior, I think it was my junior year photo, like the first day of school I wore like a pink polo.

That's a big move. Yeah. Yeah, it looked pretty, you know, you're coming off summer. You've been football practice and shit. You're tan, tan. Nothing beats tan skin on pink. Come on, man.

What a celebrity. I'm not, you know, I'm a pretty pasty guy. So whenever I have the opportunity to have my skin look good off of a light color, I'm like, let's do it. We got a, yeah. That's why baby blue works for me because it's not all the way over on the other side with pink. You know, you're not stretching too far.

Yeah. Baby blue is just like a nice little pop over to the right. The pink shirt was couldn't do it, man. It was bold. Wouldn't you stop getting Easter baskets or have you stopped? Did you ever? Oh yeah For sure

And sometimes they were so fucking hard to find Did my grandpa would hide that shit And I'd be like god damn I almost quit like three times No no no I mean like you wake up Easter morning And like the Easter bunny came Yeah They'd hide the baskets

You didn't do that? No What? No our bunny just straight up They didn't have time Boom on the kitchen table Right there dog No bro our shit was

Oh where's it I forgot we gotta find it You really? No That was like our Easter egg hunt, I guess. See, we had Easter egg hunt later. Oh, no. We were a one-stop shop.

Okay. Put it all in the basket. Hide the basket, bro. Man. It took me like maybe like longer than I'd like to admit than to find my basket. Maybe like it, maybe like an hour. And I'd be like, yo, where is it? And they'd be like, we're not telling you, bro.

Find it. It was rough. What, uh, when did it stop, though? Uh, probably when I was like, maybe like 14? okay and now it's just a big family like you know you do an easter egg hunt with the family no no chance Jesus Christ had a girlfriend do that for me one year though what do you she set up an easter life yeah it was it was for us oh yeah I know how for you guys though if she set it up then wouldn't she know where everything was maybe maybe it was just for I don't know maybe yeah it might

have been just for me was it high school no college yeah yeah It was nice, but I was kind of like, I can't do this. What was in the eggs? Maybe just a little like, I can't even remember. But maybe just, I know, I know. I just wanted it to be done so bad that I can't even remember. This poor girl went to, she went to the nines. Yeah.

Well, you got to always have the Hail Mary throw, you know. This was the Hail Mary throw. Was the Easter egg hunt? Maybe. What a horrible man. She wanted you to break up with her. It happened. Man, can't even remember what was in there.

It might have just been like little like nice like notes and shit. Oh, what of that's a drag. Can't even give me like Starburst jelly beans. No, it's like to read some sappy note for me. It's not, it was just like a nice thing like maybe like something cute like oh, I'll make you like dinner or some shit. Okay. So that's what I was about to say is maybe it was like like kind of like the coupon book at

Christmas. Yeah. It was some shit like that. It was nice. dude, but I was just like, oh my God, this isn't good. And like, obviously, like, I had like a friend over the night before, so like he was just there.

While she, wait, wait, while she was hiding him? Or while you were looking? No, it was like a surprise. Oh, for fuck sick. So I had a friend of, like, one of my just college, like football friends was just there. Just chilling, like, well, I'm trying to find eggs and being all cute and shit. That happens every time. While you're wearing a pink shirt.

Yeah, like, searching for eggs. And like this dude's funny as else. He's just like, Jesus Christ, dude. I would have to sit. Same Shane. Wyatt. I think I know. I know.

Yeah. Dude. He was the funniest part for sure. Because he was like, I can't stand this shit anymore. Like you'd be really saying that while I was like trying to find eggs. And I'm dying laughing because I'm like, he knows I don't want to do this. I know I don't want to do this. I know I don't want to do this.

But we're doing it. We're just rolling. We'd shrudge on. we trudged hard Oh man Yeah That's why I hate Easter I didn't

My parents still get me shit That's insane About what Like they get me an Easter basket Oh still get you shit Yeah it's always like I'm not gonna eat all this candy It's very nice

And I appreciate it It's to the point where it's not nice anymore It's just kind of a Like thorn in your foot I'm like guys just It's over it's over right like Easter it's done I thought I came up with the best idea of all time

okay one of my best inventions I was like all right dad if you're gonna keep doing Easter baskets put something in there that I'm gonna like I was like throw a bunch of like protein bars in there and gum and shit that I can like you know that everybody wants now

like we've graduated from butter fingers and shit like that I mean you can have but you're not eating candy like you were when you're a kid, dude. That Easter basket when you're a kid? Really? You're out here smashing Kit Katz on like Tuesdays

and shit? Well, you mean you're walking past the island, there's some Kit Katz laying there in the Easter basket? You're not having one or two? What is this? What is it Easter Sunday? Being an adult, bro? You can have candy whenever the fuck you want. No chance, dude. Not for me, anyway. I can't do it.

But I'm not, I can't eat candy like that during the week. I got to stay clean. sometimes I just need a little dessert you know? Oh yeah I always do but they ain't living man Yeah

It's not living But I thought it was a good idea to have like Protein, you know shit that you I don't know that's that replaced my shit But next morning King size Reesies bro All day and your dad's like I don't want to buy that shit it's fun to get some

EASY stroke meter So Stroke meter Eces. Easey's eggs. Easey's eggs. No, but I mean, it's not, but we don't eat them. Like, that Easter candy will be somewhere in someone's house for months. One time I got a, I got a Wiz Khalifa CD in my Easter basket.

It was like 16. That's kind of hard. It was cool. Oh yeah, people weren't getting actual gifts for Easter. Fuck you guys. Uh-huh. That's what I'm saying. Most expensive thing I've ever got for Easter is like the big chocolate bunny.

That's like $13 at Walgreens. Yeah. I mean, my, you know, my, my, my Easter bunny wouldn't go crazy, you know. People were getting PS2 games and shit. I was like, what? I got an Easter. This isn't shit. I got a $20 CD and then, you know, there would be candy.

There would be Kit Katz and there would be, see, my, that's what's funny about my mom is she's, you know, the candy that I liked and that I would get when I was like 12. in both my stocking and my Easter basket. Your mom's favorite candy? No, it's just that's what she's like, yep, that's that. That's what's in my mind. That's ingrained forever.

That's what he's getting. Not changing. Just Kit Kat and the watermelon sour patch. Not a bad. It's not bad and it's not bad at all. But it's just funny. It's never like it's never evolved. It's been like,

this is 2005. If you had a big two, one sour, one chocolate, what are you going with? This is tough. Yeah, I'm going with, actually I take that back. She changes it on Christmas

because it's like, she's putting more effort into it. An Easter basket, it's like, you know, her and my dad are out of Target or some shit. She's like, oh,

might as well just. And then she just, out of, you know, the kindness of her heart, she just grabs what she knows that I like, which I do.

Yeah. And she puts it in there. Right? Maybe a Starbucks gift card, but only for like five bucks. Like you're getting one drink, you know, which is great.

It's great. You might have to pay for arrest that drink. Okay, that's, we still owe 96 cents. It's like, ah, okay. Just let me get my other card out that I don't want to look at her to use. Charge 96 cents to this card. Okay. Couldn't just handshake and call today.

I always think about that. You still have 31 cents. I'm like, suck a dick, bro. This is more of a hassle than anything, guys, right? Christ, 31 cents? Yeah. Go to hell. Never mind.

I don't want to drink. anymore, bye. But for Christmas, for Christmas, it changed. For Christmas it changed. Like this past year, I got the sour Jolly Rancher Gummies. Oh, mama.

Oh, shit. Yeah. That's different. That was, so it evolved. It evolved. And not only did she evolve, but Jolly Ranchers involved. They're chewy now.

They're chewy and they're sour. He doesn't want a sour Jolly Rancher. Oh, yeah, they're chewy. anything chewy Hey come to mommy How is there not A couple things How is how have we not figured out

With Starburst One if you're doing a Like share size bag Figure out how to not do The little tiny Mint bitch ass ones that are unwrapped Have the regular size square ones Unwrapped all in a bag

So you can just Grab three or four of them And throw them in Without having to unwrap Every single fucking one I kind of think Starburst Should just always be unwrapped Why aren't we doing that?

Come on The Starbursts like in the in the actual things that you buy it to guess does have them unwrapped in there I I do in handing them out resell them on the corner I'd the amount of times that I haven't bought Starburst as compared to something else because I'm like I don't want to fucking deal with all the wrapping yeah you ever get that little corner in your nail to you're like oh my God yes and there's some that do like if they've been in there too long the rapper is like still kind of on the back side of the starburst you're like it's always gonna take the paper down it's always the orange one you're like yeah and then you end up

throwing it. You're like, never mind. Don't you want the orange one anyway. So how have they not figure that out? And then two, how is there not sour starbursts? There's not ever. Like, imagine like a lightning blue starburst. Are you kidding? I think, I think there has been. Because I swear I've had that before. Not a chance. You're thinking of, uh, I think I've had a sour blue starburst before. Nope. Not the gummies. Not the gummies. I'm talking. That one right there. That green pack down there. Go down, down, down, down, right there, boom. What is this? Why, I need some official. Is this

from the starburst website? I need starburst.com official. May 31st, 2007, dude. That's not even real. Yeah. And there, there just isn't a blue starburst either. I swear I've had that blue one. Sour blue raspberry, sour strawberry. I mean, come on, man. Like, that would, that would kill. I would never eat any. If you do those two things, Starburst, you, You get rid of the wrapper. It's too much shit going on. Just put it. You made a sour pack.

Come on. Just put them all on a stick. Best candy of all time. If that were to happen. It is up there, dude. It is up there. I swear there's been a sour one. The gummies don't count.

I think I like OG. I think starbursts are already kind of gummy. Exactly. You don't need to make it like Jolly Ranch. It makes sense because you go from a rock hard, you know, non-chewable candy to all of a sudden, there you go. We got freaking fruit snacks.

Makes sense. Upgrade. Starburst Sowers down there. Ah, man, maybe that is kind of looking familiar now. I see it. I know. It was for a short period of time, I think. It is giving me some middle school.

What? And then Sour Skittles came around. How about that being like the most disgustingly good candy ever? I'm like, Sour Skittles have four of them. I'm like, My teeth aren't going to feel the same for two years. Not only your teeth, your gums, your tongue. Chalky-ass teeth.

In a movie? You have to let those things sit and marinate in your mouth for like 45 seconds. If you throw in some sour skittles and you just go to town right away, you're breaking your tooth off. That's me. They are super hard. It's like eating gravel. God dang, man. Like it hurts.

If it comes down on it and like the skittal just doesn't budge. you shoot out you like bite down and it's still just there fully fucked Starburst jelly beans are a real thing though Yes yes I currently have some of those at the house That's like a That's like a Those stand out on Easter

That might be the only Easter candy worth like Only jelly bean worth getting Ah man Well yeah I'd probably agree with you there But see what happens with Starburst jelly beans Is that they throw in flavors that aren't what are you

that like apple and shit that aren't the flavors of the regular starburst and they throw those ones in there way more than the good ones

you know the pinks the reds even an orange I'll take or just a little refreshing isn't it but they have too much it's all grape

jelly beans like there's no grape starburst yeah what's going on the hell's it just keep it keep the same right candy guys

I can talk about this shit all down obviously Candy kids. They're the candy guys. Our candy asses, love that. Slipping a candy ass in there every now and then we're talking to somebody. Your candy ass back here.

Feels good. Big coach thing for sure. Candy ass. Skill players. I like happy ass too. Get your happy ass over here. Never had anybody say that. It hurts too.

Because when you say it to somebody that's actually like if somebody said it to me, I'm happy about something. Shut your happy ass up. I'm like, oh, God. Oh, now I'm miserable. It worked. I hate everything. A good jackass is...

Jackass is funny. You dumb ass, man. That one hurts a little too. That's tough. That's like nowadays... He was serious. Nowadays, that coach may be facing some... Facing some time.

They may be facing some time. They may not be on the staff next week. You call a kid a dumb ass now. Dumbass! Oh, man. How good does that feel to say, though? To a fucking seventh. Crater or some shit.

Dude. Get over here. Dumbass. Oh, man. Nothing better. Dude. Well, one, I got my first round of golf in over the weekend. Whoa.

So that was exciting. That was really good. I know we talked about golf last week. And I don't know. How did you do? The Masters got in me. And I just, you know, pretty good. I only lost two balls.

So I was like. What do you usually do? You know. Seven, eight. Yeah, probably. Like in the water and shit like that? water just like the tall grass maybe like on the road you know there's really good there's some there's some there's some holes that you're you're you're hitting off the tea and the road is right there so

it's like you mean it's fucking they causing causing some traffic seven eight that's not bad at all I'd say that'd be a really good day for me losing eight balls I'm a guy that'd go out there and lose like 42 yeah but this day on Saturday I didn't par any hole or you know I was bogey or on every one of them. But I only lost two balls. And I'd go like four or five holes straight where I'd just be playing with the same ball. You know, so it'd be a par four.

What an accomplishment. It'd be like a par four. And I'd shoot an eight on the hole, but I had the same ball. It's a win. It's a win. Progress, right? Baby steps.

So, but yeah, one time last year, just talking about the dumbass shit. I was playing, And it was the last round I played in 2022. This was one of those random like 73 degree days in November. And I went out there and the hole that I was playing. Actually, I think I taught, did I tell the story about the guy? I hit the ball and it was the car that was right there.

I tried to, instead of going around, I tried to just go over. Yeah. What do you say? Yeah. Yeah, he gave me a dumb ass. He got out because it's like I sliced. And so the hole is on. this corner, all right?

It's on the corner street and there's these houses and then there's a road and then it faces up against the hole, like on the fairway and I slice. And so instead of trying to hit it back on the green and then go to the hole, I was like, oh, fuck it. I'll just try to like hit it across the street. Yeah. There's a car parked in the corner. I'm like, who parks the car in the corner of the middle of a fucking golf course?

And so I hit it and it hit the trees and it like scattered around a little bit. sudden this dude gets out of the jeep who just sitting there a jeep for sure yep was it a wrangler yeah black all every guy that owns a jeep but he was like middle age he was like he wasn't in middle he you know it wasn't he was at least 48 definitely above he gets out and he just does a classically puts his hands on his hips and stands there and i was like what's up he knew it was coming Yeah. It wasn't very smart, dumbass. And I was like, all right, don't park on the corner of a golf course.

He said that. And then he just like, you know, he stood there for a second. He stood there for a second like he was like, you know, and I'm like, what are you doing? Charge me, dude. I got a whole fucking bag of clubs. You would have gotten to fight with that fuck. Wasn't very smart, dumbass. Oh, big time.

I love, I love a guy that gets out of his car for nothing. Right. I'm like, you wanted to get mad at somebody parking there, you fucking idiot. Couldn't wait, dude. Some guys can't wait to get mad at something every day. Going out, yeah. Hey, golf courses. Don't put a bunch of houses in the middle of yourself.

Can golf courses just be golf courses? Yeah, we're going to put it around the mall. I'm like, Jesus. I think that's more... No wonder I'm going to fucking hit something. I don't know. I think it's... It's part of it.

It's part of it goes on the house. like the neighborhood property more so it's more so don't build houses on the golf course you guys can talk about the golf course and houses you guys couldn't have this conversation before yeah dude I smacked a house and my grandma lived on a golf course

on a golf course fucking bam maybe like eight times lady came out of her house what are you doing? I'm like why do you live there what the fuck do you think I'm doing

I'm an idiot. I'm 17. People who want to live on golf courses. It's like, you know, they're like, oh yeah, our backyard butts up to hole eight.

And we just sit there and have ourselves a nice little happy hour cocktail. And then they get shitty when a golf ball goes through their fucking window. Best feeling ever. You can't have both ways, man. Think about it. If you want to brag about button up the fucking hole eight, then you got to take having golf balls in your fucking roof.

You're going to have some fucking. up siding. God. What do you say? Only the fucking PGA coming to play there, right? Even then. You got a bunch of dumb asses at. Literally, we're all drunk. We did this to drink. We don't even like golf. We just want to fuck your house up. You got a bunch of 22-year-old drunk idiots. Smack in the shit. Flipping rolling golf carts. What do you think is going to happen? Jeez. Yeah, we just got there. I might steal something off your deck too while I'm out here. Yeah, everybody's got such a nice old fire pit.

You left your marshmallows out from the smores the other night. Guess what? They're fucking gone now. They're in my pantry. Am I going to eat them? No, but I just wanted to steal something from your house since you're such a bitch. Nobody wants to steal worse than me, dude. Every time I see something, I'm like, ooh. If I was in high school. So, I might have stolen 15 things a day when I was in high school. Really? Dude, yeah. That's, oh, man. That's, hey, youngest, oldest. I was so terrified.

Oh, dude. Smallest thing. I was like, nope, not a chance. Don't let me in your house. But I would steal stupid shit. I would steal like a, like a fake rock that was outside of your house that you have on your deck. Or like on your porch. People have like fake rocks and shit.

I'd be like, I'm taking this. That says like the Stevens. Yeah, bye. Just so the, just so the mom would be like, where the fuck is that rock? yeah, yeah, that's all it. What did you do with the rock? That's all I wanted to do is just... Where'd that rock go?

I don't know what you're talking about. How do you ask the kids? I had all those shit that friends where it's over. It's probably that Palaise kid. Nah. I'm skating out of their clean. Yep. Now you see,

you always would have to do it when it was like a multiple person like sleep over or get together. So then they'd always blame it on like Joe King. Yeah, that's just one of your fuck friends. You're like Tommy Danny. Definitely, definitely AJ. Like, you think I'm stealing a rock? No way.

And all the parents would be like, yeah, that makes sense. Well, AJ was there. That makes sense. Just something weird, dude. A weird pen. It's mine. Okay, that's not bad. I thought we were talking like shoplifting from like sports.

Oh, that too. You're like, you're going to indict yourself. Yeah, but I'd go low level shoplifting. You know? What's the worst thing you've ever stolen ever? Literally nothing.

Oh, man. I know. I'm a pussy. I'm just like, the oldest is like, smart. Yeah. Man,

I used to, I used to rack up the baller bands. That dick's sporting goods. Sorry. Sorry, boys. Sorry, boys.

I'm going to have 18 at my house still. Oh, trust me. There's been those times. Or I've thought about it. How about the, how about the kids in high school that,

man, shit that would go into like the Kroger or Meyer and they would take them like McDonald's cup like the styrofoam cups back in the day like the large one they take that in there with them and they'd go to they'd have the balls to go to the booze aisle that's insane and they would pour like vodka into their McDonald's cup you know enough to just have them survive for the night you know you're 17 you're getting blacked off of that no blacked nobody cares yeah you do always have the friend that'll go like next level shoplift. What is, I mean, what is going on?

Kid you, kid you can't admit you hang out with. Oh, for sure. Is that kid? Yeah, you never told the parents. You never told the parents that they were coming or that you were going there. Hell no. Because as soon as it was like, but you, when you go there, you have the hook up. I'm like, yeah, your parents are always out of town.

Where's their booze cabinet? Why are we going to Kroger and taking fucking Karkoff? Dark eyes. Like it Smyranoff McCormick. All right. No, but there always was that kid. I don't know how they did it, but they did it every single weekend. Right.

Yeah, we got a half gallon from Meyer. I'd be like, damn, dude. Like, you have it with you right now. Well, those people would have like the cool older brother in college or something. Or like the neighbor who still lived with his parents when he was like 24, which, you know, I ended up doing that. But like, at the time, you're like, who's this fucking idiot living with their parents? Oh, he's going to get us booze.

All right. That works. Love him. You know, his name, they literally just called him like neighbor Dave. Get Dave. Who's Dave? Oh, you're neighbor Dave, dude. Neighbor Dave.

He was like, he'd always drive, like, really tinted windows, like a shitty, like, Honda Civic, but had super tinted windows with the base bumping. Tailpipe was like a little bigger. Neighbor Dave's here. You know, like, one of the girls that you were friends with in high school, like, definitely wanted to fuck him. Oh, my gosh. gone, is Dave home?

Fuck, dude. I kind of hate neighbor Dave, but is he going to be available tonight? You know, you start counting on neighbor Dave for shit. And then he's, you know, he's hanging out with you. And you're like, we don't really want to hang out with you, bro. We just need you for your age. But then the one weekend, he's like, you know, visiting a friend in Chicago, you know, he's over here, dude.

Like, God, neighbor Dave's gone. Dave's not here, dude. What are we going to do? Can we get us another one of his friends? You ever heard of that game, Hey, Mr. Yeah. Always wanted to do that. I think I did do that one.

Hey mister so funny So funny man Hey mister Hey mister Can you get us A half gallon of Comchaka What a dangerous game to play

Right At the liquor store And like that's down the street from your house You definitely see in like Mr. Thompson there that you know Oh fuck Hey Don't tell my dad

Can you get his one though But he's like with his like mistress So we're like, you, okay. We good? Deal? Call it even. Called even. See you Monday.

I remember one time. Yeah. It was like, the boys stealing booze. We were just like, yeah, we were trying to, we got so desperate.

We were there, we were like, what if we just asked, bro, what if we just asked your dad? Like, it is like a big, like,

it's like a, it's like a, you're like at a meeting. Right. Meaning of the minds to get alcohol. What if we just asked your dad and we were just up front with them, right? Parents like honesty. So what if we were just like, hey, this is what's going down?

We don't have any. Could you get us some? What a hell, Mary. Yeah. And so my friend was like, my buddy was like, we don't want to play, hey, mister. We just want to play, hey, Paul. Because that was my buddy's dad's name. Who said that?

Take a guess. Grandi? Nah. Jordan. That's so fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, man, we don't want to play, hey, mister. We just want to play, hey, Paul.

That is so legit. Not, like, of course, not even saying is like Mr. Last Name, his first name. Hey, Paul. I'm dying, dude. We're 17 years old. Can you get his booze? Did he go down?

No. But it was one of those. Take a Hardell. It was one of those where, you don't want to go in for that situation because you don't want to be the friends who were sitting there. You don't want to be the friends who are sitting there. who are sitting there for that awkward ask and that awkward tension that's going to happen

between the parents and the kid. So you're like, you know, we'll just sit out here and then he goes in. So it's like we didn't ever really get confirmation of whether or not he did end up in fact asking. You know, he could have just gone in there looking at the pantry bullshit and then come out and be like, sorry guys, no go.

Probably the smart thing to do. Probably what I would have done as well. I'm a bad actor though in those situations. Right, because then you have the friends who are like, what do you say? I didn't think of that yet. Yeah. He just looked at me and I'm like, I don't know.

I think I might be in trouble though. What'd you ask him for? I just booze. What kind? You're like, fuck, dude. He said no. Let's go ask your dad. Oh, wait.

He's not home because he cheated on your mom. Fuck you. He said no. That's right. Your dad's a piece of shit. Can't ask him anyway. Let's ask you your dad, Dave. Oh, yeah, he died.

We can't ask him. Oh, wait. Yeah. He's a drunk. So we could ask him, actually. What's his number? What's his number? And actually, why aren't we at your house right now?

That was such a... With all the fucking liquor. How about us just drinking anything under the sun? Didn't matter. Anything you get your hands on. Oh, gin? Guess that's what we're having. This much.

That had to be like passed around. so many times. You're like, I guess I get one little swig of this. We're animals, dude. What a bunch of pieces of shit. Good Lord. Why? Right. The extent that we'd have to go to. And then the pressure, man, the pressure when there'd be like a party going on and other people were already there. How are we gonna? And they already had like, you already knew like two days before. Like one of the kids who wasn't in the group that you were with who was going to the party was like, yeah, my, my older

sister's boyfriend. Set up. Got me got us two half Gs And we're like oh fuck like dude we don't have what they have two half Jays bro could we go in on Yeah then there's already like he's already got a group with like six you know and you're like yeah I don't want to add I don't do that guy right we'll fuck we'll figure it out then all of a sudden like clock's taken like what are we gonna do and then like the one friend's like I'll just steal some dude like you get that desperate For my neighbor's uh fire pit yeah definitely dude I have this I found this uh fake ID from my sister's old ex boyfriend like it kind of we have the same color hair it could work like dude that's just not gonna work in the back here weird cabinet how about girls just having every girl i know having a fake

idea when they were like 18 where'd they get them from like how do they happen why do you want to go out so bad you weird ass that was i hated when people were always trying to be too far ahead just just be where your feet are man you know I totally agree. I know you were always like that and I always appreciated that. Sometimes like to a fault. Sometimes you'd like be fucking around with us. More fun.

Way more fun. Than going and standing in a corner at a bar? Like, Ew. Weird, man. I hated that, man. There's always people that like you'd be in seventh grade.

I cannot wait to get out of this shit hog. Go to high school. I was like no chance. Sophomore year of high school, they're already showing up like just showing up like, in third period because they don't give a fuck trying to skip school. I just am so ready to go to college. Never. This place is, I just, I'm so over. I had to get to college. I was like, I don't want to, I didn't want to go to high school at all. I still don't want to go to high school. I didn't want to go to

college. I didn't want to graduate college. Like, I hated all that shit in the, no, like, I'm going to college. I was like, I don't care about this at all. Like, I'm good where I am. This is fun. I'm having a great time. Why are you guys? What? What? That was, me off. I can't be around people like that. I need to graduate. I'm like, I don't want to. Graduating college is like, that means we got to like actually do some shit. Right. Don't want to do that. You like being here?

I'm like, yeah, I'm with my friends all day, every day. And then on the weekends, we're all together. And we just fucking do stupid shit and have fun. Yes. Why is it so bad? It's always girls that are like, ugh, I fucking hated high school. I'm like, that's because you were a bitch. It's so trendy to hate high school. I'm like, it's because nobody liked you, you

idiots. You didn't have any friends. It was miserable because you're a bitch. It's so true. You to hate everything. Girls that hate high school, like, dude, guess what? Nobody likes you still. Like, who's not having a good time in high school? Oh, I guess

we're all here. We're all friends. Like, let's make the most out of it. Man, there's so many people who could be, they look at you and they're like, yeah, no shit you didn't hate high school. I mean, got the football highlight tape. You look like this.

Yeah, you're made for high school. Yeah, it looked like it's just like still be wearing a varsity jacket. You know, like my younger sister, she's, you know, that's like the worst place on earth for her. She wants to erase those four years from her mind. Really? Yeah. It was still a good time. Like, you didn't have fun once?

I mean, at the end of the day, you could be doing worse shit. Uh, college. I really didn't. That was, that was good too. Every time I've been in any school situation, I'm like, yeah, it was great. But you just, yeah, you mean, you just got to find, like, wherever you are, you got to find the things that's like, yeah, this is good. I'm enjoying myself. Because then it's just like, you're just ready for the grave, bro. Yeah. What do? You leave college? And from then on, you're just like, oh, God, I just, I'm so ready to be 35. And you're like, fuck. Yeah, people that can't wait to do the next thing.

What happens when you're 50? I just can't wait to be dead. Can we be so late to die. Drive me nuts. No, I'm not going to apologize for enjoying myself. So get over it and take a swig of this car cough. Dude, it's my brother's friends. That we stole off the porch.

Do you ever get in trouble for like, let me rephrase that when did you get in trouble for trying to steal booze from like a friend's parent my neighbor the neighbor booze neighbor garage open just cooler full of just unlimited like cores lights i was like i think we got the green light here fellas he's cool with us like he knows what's going down so you're like in high school and this wasn't the neighbor kid it was just like the neighbor guy. They were guy that was like younger. So he's probably like our age now, maybe.

Maybe, maybe like 35. Yeah. And just married kids? Yeah, I think like fiancee. No kids. Just a banging house. Just knew how to make and install everything. Tom.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, be like, hey, our sinks broken. Call Tom. Yep. Fixes it in one second. Yep. He's the homie.

Best neighbor ever. Yeah, I can take like six cores lights from him. Yeah, like we're running outside and shit. Like I have friends over. He's saying shit to us. Hey, slow it out. You know, funny shit. I'm like, he's dad with it.

Yeah. Hey, come on. You know, we'd go and throw some darts for eight minutes. Throw on football. Nice throw you marry. Right. Yeah, just doing shit like that, you know, just coming over randomly knocking on the window. Like, he's a fun neighbor, dude.

Ding, dong did you? In our house. Slashing our tires. Clipping our transmissions. They were talking. It's cool. We'd fix it the next morning. He'll take.

Banging my mom. Takes a course of life. Yeah, at this point, I'm like, dude, we're kind of friends. Wanting to take me hunting. I'm like, you don't want that, bro.

I'll blow your head off. Yeah, like, is he kind of my older brother? Type of, type shit. Is he going to be my confirmation sponsor? Offer's still open All right So you go in You get the beer

Yeah Like act like there's 60 For ice cold beers It's his In a huge cooler It's his garage And it's his fridge Both of them are open

Right Like his fiance or whoever She's not Maybe she's not even there Maybe she's like Storn meat in the freezer But the The fridge is his

So it's not like it's for everybody It's for him Yeah For us tonight Tonight This is our fridge. So I'm like, yo, I think we're good. Like, we already ate over there. We had like a barbecue over there. It's kind of like a back and forth house kind of night. Yeah. We're out

on the trampoline. Like, we're chilling. And so there's, imagine there are like 64 beers, wherever they are. In the morning, there's two left. What the fuck? We smashed. How many of them were you? Probably eight. There's eight guys? A guys. That's pretty. Just free. rain? Who knows what could have happened? I thought we were taking one. I thought we were talking one of those like, yeah, maybe you take like eight, you know?

And it's like, he's like, oh man, yeah, I just, you know, I took his whole batch. You know what I think it was? Because he didn't care. It was after we graduated. So summer going into college where it was like, yeah, it's basically. Yeah, yeah, you're basically 21 then. That's what we were.

Can't get in trouble from high school. We didn't know where to put the beer. bottles. Why, there are bottles. A lot of noise. I don't want, you know, we can't stash them in our trash can. We can't like, you know, what are we going to do? I have a pond in my neighborhood. Just crushing bottles. Coors light and every time, hey, see ya. Bye. How far can I throw it? Yeah, that'd be fun at the moment for sure. Best game of all time. Yeah. Just telling stories and shit. Wow. Just see you later. Every 10 seconds. another bottle in the air.

People coming over from, oh, I didn't know he was coming, you know, just like our quarterback. We have free reign on booze. Right, dude. The juniors are here. You're like, you guys shouldn't be here yet. You're not 21. Yeah, you're not 20. But get a beer and get out of here.

Still being nice. Politi's got free reign on beer. Yeah, there's girls coming over that. You don't even, what? Okay. So now it goes from eight guys to all of a sudden you got free reign on beer. Everybody you know is all right. Turn into a little bit of a party.

And I'm like, we need to get this back under control. Yeah. So we do. I mean, we've got to figure it out. Next morning, I get a knock on the door. He's like, hey, dude, you owe me like 56 beers. And I'm like, dude, what? Like, are you serious?

What, did you try to play it off? Like, it wasn't you? No, I was just like, I mean, like, we'll figure it out. But like, you're knocking on the door about it? Oh. Like, my mom could have been home. Oh, so no parents, though. So you didn't really get in trouble.

No, no, but I was just like, I'd luckily I have some graduation money. Just slit him a quick 50 or something. Yeah, just like, hey, just pretend this never happened. You want to tip? Under the radar, under the table. Yeah. And guess what?

All those beer bottles in the pond float to the top. I was going to say. Just 56 beer bottles on top of a pond. Now it's an HOA issue. Now I'm like, dude, we might get arrested. Yeah. There's a bunch of glass in a pond. You're killing animals.

So then the whole next day is trying to figure out how to get all. Like I was like, I'm going to have to go swimming in there and like fish them all out. This was going through my head all day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like at the time you eBay like scuba gear. Yeah. And eBay would be it too. I would do that.

No Amazon. It's eBay. Yeah. It's an ebay. A snorkeling mask. And a fucking fish net. So I've got this big plan to like go out there at night and like literally scuba dive and get 56 beer bottles. Yeah.

But luckily the next day they all sink to the bottom. so if you live in that neighborhood, don't go on the pond. It was just a bunch of glass on the floor of the pond. I was going to say by that point, I would just, you know, they don't have cameras out there probably. I was praying every day that it would rain and fill up the bottles and they'd sink to the bottom. I was praying for rain. I think that would have kept them up.

No, I don't know. I don't know. Physics, but. So parents never found out, though. They probably did. They probably joked about it later on. Yeah, hopefully. But this little fucker.

When he was said to it. Yeah, I think he would say shit like that, too. He'd kind of like poke fun at it while my mom was cutting the grass. Hey, remember when you stole all those? I'd be like, shut the fuck up, dude. The mower's not that loud. She can still hear it. She doesn't know.

Yeah. Man, one time I was like, I want to say 15. And, you know, that's a weird age. Pretty young. It's a weird age for to be. It's just a weird age in general. But, you know, when you get, you get like, five or six 15 year old dudes all like, you know, just having like a Friday night sleepover.

Right. Nobody can drive yet. But you're like old enough to where it's like, you know of some parties or you know of, like you're in that weird time. It's so awkward. You're not 13. You don't want to just like play Xbox all night. You want to play.

But then you want to, you know what I mean? And we weren't even. Here's the real shitty part of this is that we truly weren't even trying to take anything. But at the friend's house that we were at, his parents had like a fucking hair band or like a rubber band around where they kept their liquor because they went out for like a dinner at fucking bonefish or some shit. Oh wow. That sounds great. Yeah. And so like they come back and I don't know, it's like 930 on a Friday night. There's like six of us. All of a sudden they just come storm it down into the basement. And they just start throwing out

accusations and we're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Apparently like the rubber band or band that they had on the cabinet wasn't there and they were like telling us to flip up like couch cushions and like go into the show us where it is show us where it is and like calling us out and shit.

We're like, what are you? We're literally playing like capsule the flood. We don't fucking have. What are you talking about? And I think they made us like call our parents. I said like it went like deep. Like are they told them about the next day?

We're like we, I swear to got like nothing. This is not even. Yeah. And we truly weren't. didn't even, yeah, we, we, we truly weren't even trying to get in there. We didn't have any booze, nothing. And, uh, because something happened with the rubber band or whatever the fuck, like, it could have snapped as a fucking rubber band. Yeah, old one. Right. Like, and they just came down guns ablaz and firing accusations. And, uh, yeah, the friendship was never really the same after that. At least like, nobody took it anything? No. No. No. No. But like this parent group, they like, not this parent. group like this mom and dad you know they kind of had like and i was one of them is like me and two other guys in this group but they were kind of like you know watch these accusations were coming down

heavier on us and so i think about a time that it was all said done i was like i don't know what the fuck you're talking about like i think i probably said that as like a 15 year old because i was like who the fuck what are you to come down here and do this shit like i don't have your booze i'm gonna put it in the fucking couch cushion And, yeah, that was like one of those weird times. Not going back there. And we didn't even... Did the thing is we didn't even get, like, we didn't even do it.

We didn't even have any. Did you go back ever? No. Not, we did, but it wasn't like, that used to be like a regular thing. And then from then it was kind of like, he'll just come over to our place. Yeah. Not the house they go to. Don't you go back though.

Or some dumbasses that like that was always a thing. Everybody, because everybody had their little drawstring bag. You know, their little. gym bag drawstring bag. They'd be like, what's from my deodorant and my phone charger and stuff is? Phone charger in a draw string bag.

That's my whole high school. Three smyrn off ice is in there, clanking around. Fucking idiot. Yeah. Story time with Benny Boy and Joy Joy. Booze time. Story time with the booze hounds. All right, guys.

Cool. TG 29. Remember to subscribe on YouTube for a show every week. watch along with us, have some fun. Give it a like. Oh yeah. Give it a comment. What's up, bro?

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