THESE GUYS! - STROKE SZN

Episode Date: November 15, 2022

🎟 𝗦𝗘𝗘 𝗕𝗘𝗡 𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗝𝗢𝗘𝗬 𝗟𝗜𝗩𝗘 𝗔𝗧 𝗗𝗘𝗧𝗥𝗢𝗜𝗧 𝗛𝗢𝗨𝗦𝗘 𝗢𝗙 𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗗𝗬 𝗗𝗘𝗖𝗘𝗠𝗕𝗘𝗥 𝟮𝟮https://dettickets.houseofcomedy.net/event/benedict-polizzixFIl4hVOn this episode Ben and Joey both realize gift cards control their lives and tell some of their most f*cked up childhood punishments

Here we go. Shoes off again. Two weeks in a row. I'm respectful as fuck. Wow. Shoes off in shorts, guys. It's just in my zone, dude. This is perfect right now. I got something for you.

Really? Yeah, here you go. Beanie soothing. So did you like, was this logo your idea? It was, you know, it was one of the best, just the most synergy moments I've had in a while. But the guy's obvious shirt, it's Joe is his name. man. Don't want that to happen.

Mike Block in the face. Thanks, Watt. These guys here at Wave 1. These guys. Be sure to give us a follow. Subscribe on YouTube. Keep seeing those numbers. Slowly but surely go up,

but we're on YouTube, Stitcher, Apple Podcast. Don't know why I said Stitcher first. Apple Podcasts modified Stitcher. No one knows what that is. I don't know. Everywhere you get your pods, that's where we are.

Stitcher, bro. I don't know. My old job day, I was just like, I have it the Nimbuson Stitcher. It does have a nice logo, though. Yeah. It looks official as a pod. It does.

But yeah, right there. So Joe and the guys, Devin, obvious shirts, love what they do. And they wanted to work with me. And I wanted to work with them. And they were like, yeah, we'll mock up some things. I love that. We'll mock up some things before you and send it over. I was like, cool.

I was like, maybe I should bring back the kangaroo logo, you know? And then they literally sent me in. They sent me that. And I was like. And it's like the ad. I said it's the ad. And they said, yep, exactly. And I was like, wow, you guys read my mind.

This is perfect. Perfect marriage. Perfect. It's just one of those instances of the perfect marriage. No, this is sexy, dude. Good quality here. Yeah, so Beanie season. So those are available now.

Obviousshirts.com slash Joey. Beanie season. You got that. You got, actually, these are sold out for the moment right now. Hopefully, get them up. Bragg a little more. I think it just meant that they didn't want to make them anymore. But those hats suck, so discontinued.

Happy Gilmore collection on there now. Just a few different things. So yeah, go get yours. And I know you got merch as well. Benedictmerch.com for all your stuff. I'm not wearing any of it, but I will send. I don't see you with beanies often, but like, that's a very you hat, you know. It's just like we go for.

I usually don't, yeah. I usually don't wear beanies because it messes up my hair. Like once I put something on my head, like, once I put something on my head, like, my hair's done for it for the rest of the day. Like immediately, if I, if I wake up in the morning, put a hooded sweatshirt on and put the hood up, like the rest of the day, my hair's trash. Bro, but you got the cool hair that I disagree. You got the cool, curly cues. Yeah, it's not like natural though. Like, there's some work that's been done here. You want to see? Well, obviously there's a work that's been done. Oh, yeah. How are you feeling? Good, dude. This is the best,

this is the best moment of my life after a hair transplant. I don't know if you'll ever get one, but it's the best, dude. You can't work out for two weeks. I thought that would be the worst moment of your life. Well, I mean, you got to get over that. You know what I mean? Like, I hate working out, but it makes you feel good. So it's like, and once you get over the, like, the stigma of like, oh, my brain's so messed up because I can't work out and I've done it for so long.

Like, it's just like I have so much time now. And you look like shit for a week. Like, honestly, it looks like I got like curbs stopped. Yeah. So you can't go anywhere. So I'm just like chilling my apartment and just doing nothing. It's the best. So yeah, you are living.

Doing it best two weeks of my life. But it takes two weeks. You were down now for two weeks? No, I mean, this is week two. And they're like, you can't work out for two weeks after you get it. And I was like, perfect. Like, you know, the first three days might suck a little bit. But after that, like, it's like I woke up today.

Like, I don't know, started writing a little bit. Got this podcast going to go back there, film something. It's like, who cares? And the second time around, it's like a lot less bad. Like the first time I got one. No, it wasn't pain. It's not painful at all. It looks like, I'm still holding this because I love it.

It looks like it's painful, but it's actually not at all. I was in pain for like two hours maybe when I got home after the procedure. And it wasn't like, ah, like screaming pain. It was just like, like, I was like really irritated for some reason. I don't know. I mean, because they just did that. I don't know why I could have been irritated, but No, it wasn't, I've never been in pain.

It's just like, it's kind of uncomfortable because, I mean, you've got these scars on the back of your head. It's like kind of tough to sleep for the first night, but it's really not that bad. Who sleeps on the back of the, like you're in a casket anyways? Dude, I got to sleep on my back. Are you serious? All day, bro. I'm like 90% sleeping on my back. Wow.

And then the other 10% is that, like, number four. looks like when you're on your stomach, when you get your leg, like, kicked out. That's fire. That's your 90. That's the alternate jersey of sleeping. It's like, you're not wearing that every night, but when you hit it, it's all. Oh, shit, it's all. The fans are going to like this.

Hell yeah. But then after a while, I was like, okay, okay. The alternate jersey of sleeping. We're going to back off. And we're going to get back into our normal routine here. Dude, I can sleep like, it's so lame, but I could sleep like this. So you can do that because you get shoes. 100%

Well, you know what that is? That's Thanksgiving dinner sleep Right there. CEO of sleeping. That's thanksgiving. I can make a deal right now. What a weird phase of TikTok that was. This right here, bro.

This is Thanksgiving. I can sleep like this all the time. Thanksgiving at 415. You're getting ready. You're getting a little shut eye before the Cowboys game comes on. Maybe you miss the opening kickoff, you know. But you're just, you've had your lunch,

your meal, your first one. That's the halftime. Thanksgiving sleep set up right there. I got to escape during Thanksgiving sleep, dude. I've seen my dad pass the fuck out on a chair at like 3 p.m. on Thanksgiving too many times with his hand in his pants. I'm like, dude, have some respect. Doesn't feel so good. Got to do hand in the pants nap. I don't know about that. HIP. Are you hip? Hand in pants. You are so hip. You know that? You got to do hip nap? What is it? A cool one? Dude, have you ever noticed? I don't know. Dude, girls hit the hip too.

It's not just a like a dad Thanksgiving sleep thing. Girl, like, I've seen some girls sleep and there's been some... I haven't seen that. I don't know. It's just like a warm thing. I thought it was totally all dudes. Just the most guy thing ever. Warmth comfort thing.

That and then do you... It's so funny, bro. Do you put something in between... On the pillow on your side. Do you put something in between your knees? Like this. Yeah, dude, do you? Yeah, I know. I did it the other night, and I thought of, like, three people I know that do that.

You got it. I was like, shouldn't have just thought of my dad before I was sleeping. You got to, man. I know, I don't like the knees sticking. Can't. The knee-on-ne bone action? It's weird. No.

But then I put the pillow in there, and I feel, like, kind of guilty. I'm like, I'm too comfortable right now. But you say, that's the thing, is you don't even need to have the pillow. Just get a little bit of the comforter and just tuck it between there. I need just a little gap. I'm big, uh, this is big single guy. right here for me, but I'm big. The bed is made and I've got a little like blanket that I love.

Feels like a bunny almost. And I throw it over me and that's all I'm doing. So the bed's always made. Always made. I love that. I mean, I got to readjust and like pull some corners every now and then. Tidy up a little bit. Yeah, yeah.

In the morning I'm like, yeah, I don't look in that. But dude, I'm just, that blanket is just all I need. It's like one of those really soft ones that are like near the checkout at like CVS or something. You're like, damn. Oh, yeah. The bunny blanket. Absolutely. No, dude, there's nothing wrong with that at all.

I know that doesn't fly in married life. Well, you know what doesn't fly? What cracks me up is, and see, it's funny because Rye listens to this and she like watches it after we, you know what I mean? So she's always just like, why are you? It's like my biggest fear getting yelled at me. Why are you making fun? I'm like, I'm not making fun to you.

It's just like we talk about our lives. We talk about that's one of the points of this show of these guys is like, it's a good dynamic, dude. But then like, you know, let people who follow us be like, oh, wait, that, you know, it's not just these. guys who do this thing. Oh, okay. These are men. Anyways. What gets me is like if we don't make the bed one day,

the med, Jesus. I do. We don't make the bed one day. I said it's a good diomanic. Good dymannic and making the med. Stroke meter at one. Ding, ding, ding, ding. It's my favorite part of this podcast is us having strokes while we're talking. The whole point of this is to

so people can understand us and we can't talk. Our first edition of this was Burpee Boy the second go through. As we get older, it's just a different element of physical. Strokes season. Yeah.

Okay, anyways. So, wow. We don't have, you know, if you don't make the bed in the morning, you come up in the evening and it's, you know, time to hop back in. What gets me is that my lady,

will all sometimes already be in bed. She'd be like, can you get up real quick? I want to make the bed before we get. I'm like, so you want to make the bed before we undo the covers again, hop back into the bed. Wait, what time is she trying to make the bed? Or remake the bed.

At like 8 p.m. when we're going to bed. You go to 8? I mean, I have a kid life. But you said, you said like 8 p.m. when we're going to bed, like you've been going to bed at 8 p.m. for like 3, 4 years. So, and I get, and I get, and I get why she, and I get it because it's like, you know, for the mental, you know, you want to look at a clean, made product bed before you hop in there, you know, and you're tussling it around. Yeah. You know what I mean?

I get it. I get that. I'm the king of doing weird shit like that. I'm just like, so I, we have to make the bed, go through all of it, stretching out the shit, making sure everything fits right, everything smooth to just as soon as that happens. just ripping it all apart and getting back in it. Ripping it all. So you're remaking the bed at 8 and getting back and ripping it apart at 803? Not even, dude.

8.m. and 30 seconds, you know, we do this. That is really funny. Fucking dog hops on the bed, you know. So Happy's like right there with you guys are at the bottom? Happy, yes. Happy's at the bottom of the bed most of the time. but then a lot of times he'll come and he'll just stop it'll be a it'll be a me sandwich bro happy he'll be like almost bump me into the middle and just take my spot that probably feels good dude it's just it's like a body pillow that's a dog and i just cuddle the shit out of my dog

so warm yeah man half the reason girls like dogs it's so great because because they're warm as fuck dogs are literally on fire sometimes in our house we like to see how many like we like to see we can get all of the living creatures in our house in the bed at the same time, and it's happened before. Really? All three cats, me and Rye, our son, and our dog. So yeah, we got to king size. You have all the infinity stones?

We just need the last one. Remy! Three cat? Yeah, three cats. Three cats. You know, cops. And we'll just wait for somebody to lose their shit, and then it all goes down. All spirals real quick.

So it's pretty much like you tie your shoe, swoop, loop, and pull. double not and just take it all apart is you making your bed before again that's only if it doesn't happen you know in the morning we come up to a made bed you know sometimes you're you're lacking a little bit right that book that everybody wants you to read make your bed every day shut up that book shut the fuck it does feel good when you'd make your bed though oh i thought you're going to say read a book i was like not takes too long you've never read a book ever uh yeah you can tell but um i did holes when I was in like fourth grade. Bro, everybody read that one.

It was fire. Yeah, it really was a really good book. I read it right now. I was like going back for more. I've never gone back for more like education. That's a wild craving. Yeah, I was like, I gotta read more of this. You're like, I just can't put it down. Oh shit, that was really me. Dude, I long for, you're right, I long for that. It's like, you want a show that you just like got to watch the next episode

and a book you just can't put down. That was me with Stranger Thing. old pandemic. Yeah, you finally got on it. Yeah. I remember Chiller. I came back to the apartment one time and he was like, so when do you watch shows? Like when did this?

I was like, I don't know. Didn't watch for like two hours and I put it back on. Did you watch, did you watch the fourth? Are you all caught up? Haven't caught up yet. I haven't even tried. Wow. Dude, it's hard for me to, I don't know if it's just me and like a me thing and my

patience or something, but it's so hard. for me to watch anything on TV because like all the logging in and shit I don't know if that's just Well you're not like already just logged in Nah man because it's like Roommate Chiller He was like you know I never watched TV and he was like

He had all his login stuff saved it's like Other people's accounts there's like three different people I'm like oh we're using his thing and we're using her for that And dude I just like it's so incredibly hard for me to Turn on like a football game on Sunday it's insane just like literally it's difficult to find the channel

find it dude not like hard within to just be like I just can't get myself to do it it it's like I don't know where I'm trying bro I'm trying hard just to watch the fucking Colts or something I was just like I just want to have it on and then I'm gonna do something out I just want to have I just want to be I just want to know you know if there's a big play I want to check it out

like they hire a guy from ESPN after you want check it out see what's crazy but yeah it's so difficult And after like five minutes of like, I'm doing speak to tech or like speak to like all. Who's doing speak to the TV? On Apple TV? I'm like, hey, Colts and Titans. Like, just go to it.

If I have to sign in, I have to sign in, but take me there. Dude, something is always going to go wrong with the speak to anything. Bro, I just, but it's my only hope. Colts and Titans. Bullets and Titans. I know. Bullets are fighters. No.

Sorry. I'm logged. My only. thing, I'm logged into ESPN on my TV. Like, it's, it's boom, it's the only consistent thing. And I'm like, okay, at the end of like a Saturday night, I'm like, I want to see all the college football highlights. And I'm like, Sports Center.

Takes me to Hulu where I have to log into Sports Center instead of just going to the ESPN app. That's tough. How much do you, how much? I'm done talking about. This is once a week. How much do you miss college football final? with Lou Holtz and Mark May.

Reese Davis. Reese Davis, dude. If there's a man I would marry. Swear to God, man. Oh, Reese Davis. Just give me a hug. Right. God damn.

What a professional. I can't decide how tall he is. I can't decide if I see him and he'd be like Ramon. He's Tom Cruise vibes. Really? See, I was thinking that. That's why he's such a good guy. I was thinking that.

But I was like, I also could see coming across him somewhere. and he'd be like randomly 6-1. And I'm like, oh, Reese Davis, I thought you were 5-7. But then if I see him and I'm 5-7, I'm like, yeah. I'm down bad if he's 6-1. Yeah. But that show, man, they do the helmet stickers, sliding those bitches on. It's my whole life.

Reese Davis would throw the judge robes on. Oh. The lawyer segment. That's all I want. That's all I want. That was must-watch TV. I'll say it. You know what I loved about Reese and that?

He really went all in. He didn't just, like, dick around and kind of half-ass. He stuck to the bit. He was the judge, man. He was your honor. Yeah. He had the... He was your honor.

No, for real. Missed that shit. Old ESPN days. Something will never get back. Even baseball tonight. Baseball the night back in the day. Webb gyms. I'm like, why am I watching this right now?

Ben's never held a baseball bat in his life. So bad at baseball. Actually, I think I'd be a decent, like, center fielder because, like, I'll be the guy that sacrifices his body for, like, a ball. I will fuck up some shit. You could track it. You could track the ball well. Well, I would just wouldn't be scared to, like, slide and fuck my elbow up or, like,

run through a fence for a ball. That's key, you know. A lot of center field is by running through fences, you know. That's good. It's happening a lot. Dude, but I just never played baseball. I think you'd be a funny catcher. Really?

Yeah. I got the squat down. Dude, one time I put up... Your knees are going to be how fucked up when you're older. People would ask me that a lot. The doctor's going to be like, do you play baseball? Do you catcher back the day? You're like, no, I just always was in catcher stance.

Recording podcast. That's it, dude. I put those knee saver things on one time that, like, at like galleons or dicks one time. I was just like, I got a check. check this out. Those feel so good. They really do. They're pads on the back of your cats. But in like classic fucking male, just men shit, even when you're a kid, you didn't want to wear them because it was like, you're a bitch. Oh my God, bro. It's like when you're squatting that pad they put on the back of it. Oh, yeah. It feels so good, but there'd be a senior,

it'd be like, pussy! Uh-huh. Nine years old, just wanted to have your knee savers. It's 103 degrees outside. You played four games in one day. you want to throw the knee savers on in game number four and the coach who's like your buddy's dad it's just like you serious we ain't using the knee savers really oh yeah catchers were so much gear bro yeah so much shit geared out and that's another thing is like baseball baseball is straight geared out that's why i kind of wanted to play baseball i'm like it is kind of the the drippiest like sport. Literally wearing like

million dollar chains. Yeah. And you don't got to really worry about them getting fucked up, you know. Isn't it kind of like a hassle though? Yeah, I was talking about it. They're wearing like a car rim on their chest.

I'm like, dog, you still have to run. You still got a slide head first. Back into first face. Yeah, you're like doing stuff. It's not like you're sitting at like a cubicle. Like, you're still got to run, homie. See, that's why they want to be good centerfielders, because they got their chains on.

And they can't sacrifice their body. Oh, okay. I would still, I'd still rock a little chain. You wear baseball jerseys enough. Damot. God, Damot. Dude, I was talking with, uh, so we were at Target the other day. Mm-hmm.

And it was Target Tuesday, of course. This is going to, I can't wait to hear this. And we were in one of the checkout lanes. And you know the checkout lanes still, they just have it. stopped with gift cards, right? Oh, yeah, that's where they get you. I want to buy all that shit. Home Depot, AMC movie theaters, Olive Garden.

And then they have still... Is that like by the gum and shit? Yeah, yeah. And still they have like the Apple iTunes gift cards. And I was thinking about it, I was talking about it. I was like, isn't it wild? Like, those feel so outdated now. Who's buying this?

You should do one of those for that, honestly. Because if you get, like, back in the day, like, when we were in middle school and shit, talking, well, when you were much older, but when I was, like, in middle school and shit, like, 06, 07, 08, you know, like, you, you kind of asked for those. Like, if I got one of those are, like, 25, 50 bucks. That's 50 songs, right? Yeah, that's, I'm like, man, hell yeah, I got a whole new playlist. I could get all these new songs finally.

People can think I'm cool, right? Like, I could be up with the times because my buddies, who were all talking about all the, you know what was going on with young Gizi and shit. I had no idea because I couldn't get the fucking music. Wait, so you didn't download off like Lime-Ly? I mean, I tried and shit, but it's like we had- Because that was my way around that. We had one family computer and if that got messed up.

Oh, bro. My head was on the shopping block. You got to take a shot. And eventually I did. One day you're just like, fuck it. Yeah. Download it. When you're in high school and shit?

You got to be the guy on off. Exactly. But I'm looking at it and I'm thinking, wow, they still have those. And I guess for like, you know, e-books and shit, right? Or, like, they want to download something like that. But I said to right, I was like, that used to be such a form of currency, man. If I got one of those, that was such a big deal because I meant 25 new songs, right? Yeah.

Oh, you got to choose wisely. Do I even want this song? Right. That's insane. And now that's not even, I mean, that's nothing. That's not even a thing. Add the playlist, bro. Add the fucking playlist.

recently added on iTunes just my whole life. Do they have that anymore? Recently added on iTunes? Oh, it's the only thing I go to. And it's like three songs, but they're all like the one, the song that you kind of forgot,

you added on some weird shit, and then you play it like while you're working out or something. And you're like, yes! On playlist? They have that? Recently added, yeah. Dude, I don't have that.

I think you can, like, go in there and fuck around and fuck around and find out. It might be, Composers, compilations. This is not what we should be doing right now, but we're going to do it. Playlists. Britney Spears Essentials.

Is this my phone? Is this my phone? Oh, our first party. FOMO. Yeah, this is weird that I'm looking at this, but new playlist. That's, uh, that's, if you go to new playlist and make a playlist and make recently added, it'll, like, go in there. It'll just congregate in there automatically. Yeah, dude.

Wow. That's why I listen to, like, only three songs ever. Wow. Oh, wait a second. I'm a dumb ass recently added right there. there. Boom. That's not what mine looks like, so it might be some lucky shit that we just figured out.

Top 25 most played? Ah, that's a... Some of them are so outdated. I'm like, why did I listen to a little oozy burke that much? And I, like, can't listen to it when I'm working out. I'm like, I feel like I'm like... That's not a thing anymore, though, is it? Yeah, it is.

Probably you're tripping on. Yeah, top top top 25 have most played and recently added are the only two things I do. Oh, yeah. I remember on, like, the old iPhones when I used to have to use the iTunes gift cards to get my music and shit. Top 25 Most Played. That was on there. Heaters. Yeah, I was like, oh, yeah.

That's heavy rotation. My phone's out there, but my top 25 most played is hilarious. Do you have yours? Oh, you can't find yours? You left your phone in your car. I know. No, no, it's just out there because I didn't want to be on my phone, like randomly. I thought it would be weird.

Ah, yeah. No, see, I don't got nothing. Well, maybe if I do. Find them playlist. I'm about to show you. I can show you the Mexican world. Gift cards, though, man. Do you ask for gift cards for Christmas at all?

Or is that strictly like if someone gives it to you, cool. But you're not like, you're like, hey, straight up, give me this gift card. No. But if I get like a gift card, this is such a funny story. If I get like a gift card to like a restaurant or something. you know that's like 150 bucks at like a hairy and izzie's bro but i mean that's not shit at harry and izis like if you're if you're doing like it's a date bro this is this is wild but okay date night

when i had a girlfriend christmas eve so like bro i like i was ready bro reservation locked what were you wearing oh shit oh you know what it was so like pinnacle relationship, huh? Turtleneck. Dude, it was! Are you serious? It's a dark, dark green turtleneck.

A leather jacket over the top, black jeans in like the, like, some Jordan ones. You can see it. That's all I wear. Oh, dude, so you were sex politi

that night. Yes. Your alter ego sex poitzy. Dude, and like, dude, I had, like the stars were aligned,

bro. And Harry and Izzy's, boom, I go, okay, uh, the reservations at, like,

9.30 because they're open like for night on Christmas oh okay my bad no it's Christmas Eve so it's probably like eight they're open later on Christmas Eve because it's like a wild on Christmas Eve it's like a thing so I like I like had this was wild dude I go there at like five o'clock and I go up to like the host stand and I'm like hey got a reservation at 8 it seemed like they we knew each other but we didn't know them so it was like a good like I was like

look I got three gift cards and I don't want my girlfriend at the time to know about them. So I've got like 150 on this one, like 50 on this one because I used some already for some shit, and like 100 on this one. So I was like here, like keep them. We're bawling out. Like I'm just like we're using all of it. But don't let her know.

Bro, we come back. Same hostess. I'm with, I'm with my girl. at the time and we're just, I'm just like, all right, we got a table over there. I'll wind up and everything. All right, I'll head over there. I'm like, you guys get the table.

I'm going to go to the bathroom real quick, so they walk over there. I go to the bathroom. I come back out of the bathroom. I'm like, remember what's going. They're like, we know, we got you. We got you. So we're having the best time of our,

we're ordering shit. You bring another bottle. I'm acting like I'm a CEO of fucking. It's Christmas, baby. Hey, I'm acting like I am Harry. I'll be Izzy. Hey, appetite. Hey, you want dessert?

I'm just bawling out, bro. And at the end, I'm like, hey, can we get the check? Like, yeah, like, everything's all good. And she's like, yeah, as she comes back. And she's like, did you guys have a good time? I'm like, it was great. Thank you so much. She's like, all right.

Well, this one has $1. $275 left on it. This one has $275. This one is short. Oh, my God. We had gift cards. That's my gift card story, though, bro. That's where it all went down.

I was like, are you new? Did you not? I mean, it was the same hostess? What the hell happened? There was just something happened, bro. I don't know. I was like, it's Christmas Eve, maybe her mind just like, bro. But, dude, I had it planned out.

It still hurts a little bit. It still hurts. Was your girl at the time? Was she upset about it? No, she didn't, she didn't care. But he just would have looked way cooler. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. more of a me thing.

That, yeah, that is very like Seinfeld-Politsy-esque right there. Like not wanting to show the gift card. I mean, you could have, we could have done that situation is you could have still just done all what you were doing. Yeah. But then when you got the bill, you know, you're looking at it. You're kind of pulling out your wallet and you're finangling behind the book with the check. And you're just putting the gift cards in there. Dude, nothing was stopping her car.

coming back and saying, there's this much on this, this much, like, I was like, can you, you got to read the room. Damn, that's tough, man. That is hard. That's, uh, because he thought you were doing something, man, you were. I mean, gift cards or whatever. Still, it's a night out. You're using it.

Oh, Christmas Eve. It wasn't just some, like, random Thursday, bro. This is it. Christmas Eve date. It hurt, bro. It hurt. Damn. Nothing like Christmas Eve, uh, like dinner.

I know we talk about this shit literally every podcast, but... Are you guys sick of that? Are you guys sick of that? Well, guess what? It's that time. Nobody's more of a holiday whore than you. So I'm like, this is all we got, bro. Holiday whore.

New t-shirts. Holiday horrors me and you. Oh, that'd be great. Hey, by the way, we are doing a show in Detroit, December 22nd. Grab your tickets. Doing a show. Dude, this is a long time coming, but we'll have merch and stuff, and we need to make some merch to sell at the show probably.

Probably some of these guys teasers. We're going to, yeah, we're going to have a show. I'm going to have some takes. No, I won't. But it's going to be great, man. It's going to be holly jolly fucking time in D-town. Yeah, I can't wait. D-town, they called that.

I was going to go there, but I was like, I don't know if it's still. I know it's motor city. Motown. Motown. That's what it is. There's so many, so many nicknames for every goddamn city. Motown, D-City, Detroit Rock City. That's a song.

Oh, it is okay. I was like, did you just make some up? Like kiss. Kiss. You know? I don't know. No, say it, say, say it. Every time I tell you to say something, it's not as good as I think.

But say it, say it, say it. Well, last time I was like, I was like, bro, say what you were going to say. And you were like, a takeoff passed away. I was like, God damn it. Oh, no. No, it's not a net light. It's not a net light. Dude, I was golfing yesterday.

And I sliced, right? Like I sliced, right? So I had to go find my ball. And at this course that we were playing at, you know, it's one of those that has houses that are on the course. You know, it's, they're literally like, here's the fairway, a little bit of a street to where, like, people go to and from in this neighborhood, and then the houses are right there. There's like a corner, right?

So I'm set up to where I have to try to hit the shot to, like, get back on the fairway because I slice so much, right? And there's this Jeep that's parked, like, right on the corner, right in the corner by these houses. And it doesn't seem to be parked in front of any particular houses, just parked on the corner. I don't think there's anybody in there, whatever. And I'm like, yeah, I'm not going to go around. I'm just going to try to hit through these fucking trees, get back in the fairway. So I line up, and I fucking take a pretty good thing. whack at it.

Hits all the trees, ricochets. I'm like, oh, shit. Well, hopefully it got, hopefully made it through there. You know, I hit it pretty well. And of course, guy gets out of a Jeep. Walks out.

Just goes out. Most, like, fucking neighborhood dad shit ever. Goes to the, you know, the back of the Jeep and looks right our way, puts his hands on his hips. Yeah, it's pretty stupid,

you know? And I was like, uh, uh, did, did it hit your, did it hit your car? What happened? He's like, well, right at my car. I was like, did he say went in? Did you go, you said he went in your car? No, he's pissed because you're fucking with him. Went at it. Dumbass. That's what he said. He could not wait to let that one. I just go, all right. And he just went back in his car and drove him.

way and I was like, one, why you parked on the corner right off two fairways of a golf course, you fucking idiot. Second, if it would have went in your car, that would have honestly been pretty impressive. Crazy. Dumbass! That would have been sick. It's right in the window. In the tailpipe, boop.

I'm just like, dude, so you're just like chilling at the corner at two in the afternoon? Wait, what was the first thing you said? What was the first thing you said? That was pretty stupid. you know. You know, he's like, how do I? I'm like, what do you mean? Either way, I'd hit it by your car, or if I hit it, like, just to try to get me back

in the fairway, I could have sliced and hit your car. I said, fuck it. I wanted to go right through it. I wasn't aiming at your car. He's like, I'm out of here. Parks his car at Top Golf right in the fucking in. He's like, I can't take this shit anymore. That's insane.

I was pretty stupid, you know. You know, he's like, I want to be mad. I don't know what to say, really. He's like, I'm just going to let it. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, gets out, fucking hands-on hips. Oh, boy. Hands on hips is crazy old school. It's like cartoon pouty.

Ah, shucks. Did you ever get in trouble growing up doing, like, dick, oh, can't wait. Like ding-dong ditching. Dude, do you ever TP a house? No, I never did that. I haven't done that either, man. I don't know if that's like a thing that, did that, was that like, 80s? I think that was outdated by it was our time.

I think it would, it almost look good. Yeah. If he did a good teepee job, it's like that. September. Like during Halloween? We're such fucking holiday horrors, bro. Holiday horror alarm. Spirit slugs. Seriously. Yeah, October. TEP the fuck out of my house. Yeah, get me going. Come on. Hey, hey, how good it feels just, you know, the first, like, toilet paper square?

You got like, you got to, like, un. I hate fucking my toilet paper. But you know what I mean? It's not like unwound. I hate the feel. I hate the, I hate it. But like when you got to get the roll,

the first roll started, like there's like some glue on there. No, it's always frustrating, bro, because it only rips like a quarter of it and then you're trying to catch up to the,

you know what I mean? You're trying to catch up and even it out because you're like, shit. Yeah, you can get lost in some toilet paper real quick.

You could lose an hour of your day just trying to figure that shit out. I'm like, is it unravel? Babe, what are you doing? Is it too pie? I'm like, I'm trying to match this shit up for us.

No, but that little, like, when you like, and then just letting that thing fly, that would feel great, dude. Yeah, just Patrick Mahomes. Hot, hot, hot. Rolling out on the run. Like, if it went all the way around the tree, like, oh, my God. How many toilet paper rolls are you buying, though, to do a full teepee? Are you doing, I mean, like, I would buy so many. That's like six of the mega ones from Walmart or something, you know what I mean?

Yeah, and if it's good toilet paper, too, you're like, oh. Thanks. You know. One of them didn't, you know, one of them didn't get too fucked up or anything. Is this sharp? Is this Charmin? Times are tough, honey. I never TP, though.

My dad would fucking do that, I bet. Dude, my dad graduated high school in 1988. Prime TP. I'm sure everybody in his. No, your dad would teepee. Mine would take the toilet paper and, like, keep it to wipe his ass with later. He'd be like, I don't want this to go to one. waste.

But your dad definitely, like, your dad's like A1 TP dad. Every guy who was in high school from 1984 to 1988, TP at least three houses. It's fun, bro. You just know. You just said you never done it. No, no, no, no. I was talking about like the ding dong ditch part. Oh, yeah.

You ding dong ditched? I've ding dong ditched. Talk about it. But like that, that like, yeah, that like thrill. It's so lame. But, bro, one time in college, I was with this girl and we were doing absolutely nothing. And she was, like, driving me back to my dorm or something on some weird shit. And she was like, that's the president's house.

Did you know that? And I was like, stop the car. It was like 2 a.m. Ding, dong ditched the fuck out of it. Got right back in the car. It's so lame. Like, you know. But it was, like, such a thrill.

And, like, I was probably trying to be way too cool and probably, like, partially tore my meniscus on the way back to the car or something. Anytime you do anything in front of a girl like that. Oh, yeah. Dude, I was always way too scared, man. First kid, first born. I was like, my parents would lay the hammer down on me if we were caught. It's crazy you even knew that. The awareness of being the first born.

They would lay the hammer down on me if we get caught. And my parents and my friends always wanted to do that shit. I was like, I'm good, honestly. I was like, you guys are going to try to do that. I'll just play like NCAA 06. I don't need that. I don't need. The lecture.

I don't need the punishment. Oh, man. Getting in trouble at your friend's house. But one time it did happen, we were at Tommy Grandy's house. Classic, like, he's the baby, like the youngest of like five kids. And so like, you know, his parents were older. This kid didn't give a fuck about anything. And like, I'm the oldest.

Like, my, you know, I'm just like, oh, God, on pins and needles. So obviously we were perfect match. So he had like older brothers and shit that were kind of like class clownish. And then once you get down to. to like the youngest kid. Parents don't give a shit. No, we're giving up, man. You know what I mean? And so we were, you know, I was like, we're going to get away with it anywhere. It's going to be here.

And so I went. And of course, that was the place that we get caught. All of a sudden, we're doing it. And literally, it was like he was the dude from the golf course. We just hear, what are you guys doing? Turn around Tommy's dad just in his boxers, like no shirt on. No way. A white tee boxer is nothing else standing in the driveway with just like, you know, the driveway light we can see him what he was doing like oh god we get caught he comes downstairs gives us a lecture eats you know just fucking goes in on us i'm like really i thought that we were all right here yeah damn from that point on never never again i was like i'm good i don't need to do any of that

he just ripped you guys at like two oh yeah really how much what was the group he's probably how many people probably like six oh that's a whole fucking basketball and like what was funny is like we We all single file going, go in the house, right? And Tommy, the kid who's house was, he was like, you guys just go to the basement, go to the basement. Like, oh, it would be fine, go to the basement. We're like, all right. Single file down to the basement. We're like, oh, man, at least we got down the basement.

We're all good. Like, Tommy's going to have to hear about it. But like, we'll be fine. Hopefully you didn't tell our parents or whatever. Yeah. And so then all of a sudden, like, we're sitting there. Tommy comes down the stairs. And we're like, look, his dad's right behind him.

We're like, oh, God. So he came down. Yeah, so it was one of those scenarios. I was like, I thought we were good. Were you guys laughing and shit when he was yelling at you? Because that'd be a time where like, you know, friends laughing at you, you kind of look across to one of your fuck-ass buddies

and he like makes, like, you know, he like starts to smile a little bit. I'd be done for anything. I know, I know. So what I, but the problem was is that the kid, the kid whose dad was chewing our ass out, he was the kid that would be the one.

Oh, so you could have to do that. He was out of it. He was out of it. He was so out of it. So we were all out of it. You ever have a, like, you're weird, like, just thinking about how, like, people, people, like, punish their kids and shit.

Oh, yeah. Different shit that would happen. You're like, what? I was big. Write that 300 times. Are you serious? Oh, yeah. I thought that was only in the cartoons.

Oh, bro. That was me. So on some Bart Simpson shit. If I didn't look, I don't know I didn't look both ways before I crossed the street. I just chased after because you can hear fucking cars. You got peripherals. Yeah, bro. The ball, I just

bricked one from fucking the third sidewalk block and the ball rolled in the street right next to my driveway and I was like, I gotta I'm gonna go get that before it rolls like to Tennessee. And there was no like, there was no

cars obviously, but my dad was like yeah! I don't know, he must have been having a bad fucking day or something because he was on my shit. He's like, did you look both ways? And I was like, uh, fuck. You just saw me. I'm not going to lie. I can't fucking why.

Because it's two strikes. You're going to write that! And I was like, oh, shit. So I'm like, I don't even feel like playing basketball anymore. I just go inside. I'm like, what? And my dad's like still kind of pissed. And he's like, 500 times I will cross, I will look both ways before I cross the street.

Oh. And I'm like, fuck. And I just go up to my room. I, I, I did every word at a time. Oh, really? It was easier, bro. No way. Because you don't have to think.

You don't have to think about the sentence. It's just like, all right, 500 eyes. No way. No, dude. 500 wills. But then the line gets all messed up? Fuck it, dude. Gotta get it done.

Who's counting that? You dad? Hey, I do like 300, be like, sorry. And he, he wasn't. Right, yeah. Don't do it again. All right. Dude, my sisters one time fucking photocopied it.

They did some shit and had to write it. And they, like, we had a pretty. We had a pretty nasty printer grown up. We were not running out of ink. See, that's some girl shit. I know. I know. Even if I was my dad, I'd be like,

did they photo? I'm not going to bring it up. I'll get yelled at. That makes me look stupid. All right, good job. Learned your lesson. Dude, yeah. Bro, I had a friend one time.

It was like, we were like 16 or 17. And he gets, he gets caught at another one of our buddy's house. doing the old sneaking beers into like a drawstring bag. Oh, classic. Putting the beer, which, you know, if you're going to do that. Draw string, not to move. Draw string not to move. You got to put some shirts in there so they're not clanking around.

If you can get cans, but I understand at the same time, you got to just go with what you're working with. If your folks only have, you know, Miller light bottles, you got to take some of those. How's your dad not going to know when you do this guy? You got to take Smirnoff Ice, right? So this is what he did. He took Smyrne off ice. Right?

Of course. Were there like a lot? Yeah. Every time I see Smyna off ice, there's like six. Right. Top. Right. Never seen more than six.

But they're probably like at the back corner of the fridge, right, whatever. So he just takes him. He gets caught at our other buddy's house. His parents report back to my buddy who took the beers and brought him over. So, you know, you think in this situation, 16 or 17, you know, the parent will be like, Yeah, you're grounded for, you're granted for a month and, you know, you have to get all a, I don't know. You're grounded for a month and you got to take a lot of trash out and you got to all that. Normal shit.

Yeah. But you're grounded, right? Normal punishment. My buddy's dad. He, like, it's just them at the house one time in the evening. And he's like, hey, so you want to drink booze, huh? You want to steal booze? You want to drink booze?

Oh, no, no. he literally makes him drink a six pack of Smyrnaf ice and then do like 17 it's so pride dude makes him drink a six pack of Smyrna off ice and then do laps around their neighborhood hey you want to steal beer drink you want your punishment more drinking he's like you know what get on a knee too you're iced bitch all of them on a knee laps yeah so I grow up oh yeah so I think he was trying to like teach him a lesson

like this is how it makes you feel when you get you know it's like that's laps of his life best mile time ever I guess the most Catholic shit ever get caught drinking what's your punishment drink more holy shit

good thing it wasn't like cigarettes smoked this whole pack come on puff them down yeah those punishments as a kid when people would I could go on

Keep going, bro. We got like two minutes. Keep going. I love talking about that shit. It's just so funny. And then now you're an adult. You're like, man, I was worried about a lot of shit. Like, that was the end of the world.

That's all I thought. Like, when you were, like, kind of feeling guilty when you did some dumb shit and, like, your high school found out about it or something. Like, you're at a party. Something, like, not crazy. But you had that, like, do they know, feeling? bro I was I wouldn't even talk the whole day in school I'd be like I'm gonna get called down

called down like at lunch like you like looked up because all the teachers were in the same as all the teachers would like they would be there'd be like seven teachers at every lunch period and you kind of like look like at the dean or something was he looking over here like you're all paranoid all day at school and shit you're like did she tell him and does he know you're like trying to like back oh my god

it's like just classic Classic life, man. Like, at the time, it feels like the biggest, most important shit. And then you look back, you're like, what would have happened? I got at the attention. Oh, my. But at the same time, like, getting into detention at that time,

like, you were fucked. Detention sucks. My parents wouldn't let that shit fly, dude. No way. I had so many detentions. I was doing, like, two a days. One week. Of course.

Fucking fucky over here. Dude, I missed practice one. time. They're like, where were you? And I was like, fucking detention. The coach was the dean. He's like, where were you? I was like, you gave me detention, you idiot. I was fucking mopping the cafeteria. Dude, it's so funny. Like that detention, like, just thinking about, though, how, like, you know, you got your newcomers, right? Who are just, like, fresh blood. And then you have the kid that, like, lives in detention. Weird. I know. Lips in detention. And it's just like, I don't give a shit. Give me another. You know, like, kind of like,

Breakfast Club, the movie. I know you never seen it. No, I think I understand what you're talking about. But there's always that handful of kids, you know what I mean? Like the regulars in there that are just like, oh, what'd you do to get in here? I know, dude. And they were like kind of nervous. I don't know. And then you're like, are we kind of

buddies? Yeah, yeah. Do you like have my back now if I get in a fight? Are you going to like stab somebody? So it'll probably just be another detention. And you're cool with that. Dude, but I was like doing a detention assignment which was like sweeping the stairs or something. Riding 500 times, I will not talk over my teacher.

It was something so dove. I was like, why am I sweeping the stairs? Can I, like, do homework or something? Like, productive? But I, like, started asking questions to, like, the regulars, the detention regulars. I'm like, I'm so, do I put it in the dust pan after this one? Or like...

They're like, yeah, usually, but sometimes just to fuck with them. We'll put it over here. Make them find it later. You're like, ooh, should I? I don't want to know the detention, but should I? So, such fresh blood. All right. These guys, episode eight.

That's been about an hour. Bad nah. Bad nah. Hey, remember, get tickets. Detroit House of Comedy, December 22nd. Put the link in the description down low. Grab some of Joey's merch right here. Beanie Siz.

Hell yeah, dude. Follow us YouTube, Spotify, Apple. Stitcher. ringer I think podcatcher I don't know all those

wherever you listen to shit yeah awesome give us a little subscript show but all right peace see you next time

peace guys I don't know why I said subscript show just a little French tough scrams like why did I do that