THESE GUYS! - Surviving Graduation Open Houses

Episode Date: May 30, 2024

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the cool friend that's like playing and tossing the five-year-old cousin that's in the pool. Five-year-old cousins throwing grapes in your mouth from the outside. You're just the weird guy in the pool catching him. Right. You're like, where's Ben? He tried to get the pool party started, but he's throwing my niece Kaya in the pool. Might be Ken, Kenny. No, God, I can't remember his name.

Kenny Maine? No, not Kenny Maine was so funny, bro. That might be peak funny for me. Funniest guy ever. It was one guy that would be like, Ray John Rondo there, Kevin Garnett here. Like every time it would be like an assist. Rejon Rondo here, Kevin Garnett, there. Yeah, that shit was so money.

Kids today don't know. Just every experience. Everything in our lives. Kids will never understand this. They really won't. Dude, Sports Center anchors were like our like role models grown. for me. I was like, that's the coolest guy of all time.

Like, Stuart Scott's, like, Mount Everest of coolest sports anchors. To do that. Rushmore. And my sister called you out on that, by the way. She listens? Oh, yeah. She's a burpee girl? Her or my nephew.

Yeah, but, I mean, that was, like, the perfect mix for us. We're like, wow, these guys, like, talk about sports. They get to be funny. And they also get to be in like those, this is sports center commercials. That's like the end goal. That's that, yeah, that was the dream for me. And now they just don't even exist. Are there, is there anyone now?

What? I can't believe they just phased them out. Those are the coolest guys. I mean, they're there, but it's like, I saw an article about it. It's like, yeah, it's not the same because not everybody's tuning into the 7 a.m. Sports Center at the same time. for you to get your jokes off they saw those at 1130 on Twitter

and TikTok the night before damn sad yeah I guess I guess it is our it's our fault that they're not there anymore what we wanted to be we're the ones on Twitter like bro what we wanted to be we ended up killing

so way to go us nice push tickeys TG 80 full TG 84 I'll push tickeys real quick Columbus June 13th Can't wait

Portland June 26 That's gonna be hot too Philly July 25th Raleigh North Carolina June July

August 22nd It'll be fun Can't wait Nice hot stretch of shows coming up sexy cities It's gonna be great

Columbus yeah Columbus is great. Haven't been to Portland. Been to Philly, never performed there. Still kind of scared. So scared. Raleigh, North Carolina.

Maybe make it out. North Carolina is a beautiful state, man. You can make it. You can go to Asheville. You go to the outer banks. Is that where Ellis Island is? No. Okay.

We'll just stop there. But yeah, get your tickies. Link right underneath the pod. and or at Benedictpolice.com. Clubhouse. I've been sick as a dog. Push the vitamin C. Push the vitamin C, Jay.

I've been dying, man. My dad. My dad every time I've ever been sick. Push the C. You got me on that for a while. Back when we were early espresso, you'd be like... It might work.

You'd be like, emergency, bro. You'd always have those packs. concierge is in your book bag. Even when we weren't sick, it was just like we'd been pulled an all-nighter doing some shit. It's like, pop an emergency, man. Not bad. Not a bad idea still. Can never go wrong with a little extra C.

Push some C, B. So, I don't know. I told Ben I puked like 25 times on Monday night into Tuesday and a little bit some yesterday and I thought I was over it, but now here we are on Wednesday recording. And I'm still feeling

like shit so really still 500 got me i guess i don't know i went to a memorial day cookout is actually my my great-grandmother's 90th birthday on monday and i ate some weird taco dip and i think that's all got me all fucked up inside cowboy caviar i wish no i'd down some cowboy caviar but it was like uh i didn't want to talk about it because I'll just get sick again. But it was like kind of cold. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Don't talk about it. Are you going to throw up? If I keep talking about it, I will. I can't talk about it. We need some views. More like indie 500 beers. But that's the thing is like,

after my like sixth time of just letting it rip, it was all just liquid. Like just, I mean, this is TMI. but there was just literally not talk about it dude I would be drinking water

be drinking a prime to get some electrolytes you know because I've been puking so much and then it would just reverberate back you know maybe it makes us some maybe it makes us some peptobismal or something in there

yeah your your parent when you're sick or whatever and you're just your parents are like you need to drink water and take this medicine you drink water take medicine you throw it all up in five minutes I'm like I threw up

the title and all you gave me. Yeah, pretty much. What am I supposed to do? Pretty much pointless. And it was one of those like, I haven't felt this sick since I was probably in like seventh grade. You know, just, you know when you're like deathly sick in grade school or middle school? And it's like at first when it starts, you're like, oh, hell yeah, no school. But then you're like in the midst of battle 12 pukes deep and you're like, this is horrible. I'd rather be in science class. Not worth it. And then you feel like you're missing out too. You're like,

what are they talking about in science class anyway? That's where I was. It was like three. I moved from the bed down to my living room couch and set up a trash can right next to me because like I had just been on an expressway to from the bedroom to the bathroom to the bathroom upstairs. I was like, I don't want to wake up the kids. I'm a loud puker anyways.

I don't want to rustle and everything. Wake up the kids. They're sleeping. So I was like, hey, right, about 3 a.m. I was like, hey, I'm just couching it and like if I die I die And she was like okay there

And so I set up a trash can and right there My corner my L shaped couch and was trying to just like You know you have it all dude like the chills are coming And you're achy and you got the chills but you're sweaty And like you're trying to get so warmed up and like Cozied up wrapped in a blanket or three And nothing's work and you just cannot get comfortable Everything hurts.

So it was just, bro, I just had Seinfeld playing on in the background. I was like, man, this is. I was going to ask. What did I do to deserve this? What was on TV? Seinfeld or like Steelers, Ravens? Well, I was actually Cubs Game 7, no commercials. Oh, no replay.

No, I actually, it was this HBO documentary called The Jinks. If anybody out there's watched it, it was this crazy, crazy story about this rich ass old guy who like murdered three people but somehow got away with it until he was like 90 and then they finally convicted him anyways I was like half in and out like what are they gonna

oh I think they're gonna get him this time hey it was one of us kind of fun I mean kind of fun it was like you know as a dad of two babies you know and a husband I mean it was like I at least have some like me time. That's sad.

Me time and I'm gonna die. I was like I'm physically and mentally defeated and miserable, but at least I don't have my son screaming, aside, aside at me. Just watching a little documentary, little cubs. Kind of fun, kind of fun. Throwing up every now and then. Are you still, are you like milking it a little bit?

Well, I was to the point then that I was just like, you know, when your mentality flips, you know, at first like, oh, I don't want to do this. This is going to suck. And the first couple times you're like, it really in the midst of it. And you're like, oh, man, this is just so horrible. But then you reach a threshold where you start to kind of be like, you know what? Yeah, I'm just going to do it. I'm going to pull the trigger if I have to. I don't care.

I'll throw up again. I'll throwing up 12 times. What's another one? Yeah, pulling trig. Love it. He's committed. That was kind of me at like 4 a.m. on my couch. The taco dip got you. You always know what got you.

I think so. Yeah. Because I had I had pulled pork sandwich. You know, it was a classic like real Memorial Day weekend kickoff. Let's hear the stats. Yeah, like summer kickoff cookout or whatever. There was hot dogs that were real like charred. You know what I mean?

So it's like the real stuff. Like, you know, got some nice burns on them. Hot dogs, pulled pork sandwiches, green beans, mac and cheese, pasta salad. For some reason, instead of pasta salad, I just went with the, I went with the damn taco dip. And I know it's a taco dip that did me, man. I know it is. Were you dipping anything in? In the dip?

Were you dipping anything in the dip? Yeah, you're going to throw up again. Let's keep talking. No, it was like, you just ate it from a fork. God, I can't do it. God. I thought you had some toastitos like scoops or something. No, that's where you said cowboy caviar and I was like, I wish.

Yeah, cowboy caviar's got like the corn and the beans and the cilantro. Real great stuff. But I made a mistake not going pasta salad, man. Should have gone pasta salad, not a taco dip. Stick to your roots. You gambled. You gambled. And I wasn't even drinking.

Some of my buddies, I was texting them. Like, I was so tired and felt so sick. I didn't watch a second of the Pacers game, the game four. Like didn't even, not one, not one second. And I had some buddies texting me that I woke up to mid, like, eighth puke. And I was like, boys, I got the stomach flu or something. I didn't even watch. And my friend was like, you sure it wasn't the 40 beers you had on Sunday at the Indy 500?

I was like, no, dude. Like, one, wasn't even that drunk, didn't even have that many at the 500. Two, that's not how this works. It cycles through overnight. Like, if I have a, if I have a beer or a booze, like hangover, like upset stomach situation, it's like a one night, next morning, get it done, boom, by like noon 1 p.m. the next day, you're good. This wasn't that. It was not that.

Yeah. This is worse. Anyways. Taco dip. night. Oh, mommy. Yeah. Did you anything wild Memorial Day weekend? Dude, I didn't even know it was Memorial Day

until like 4 p.m. My dad texts me. He was like, hey, uh, hot dogs on the grill today, B. I was like, dude, huh? Did I feel like I'm on a totally different planet from where you are? Yeah. L.A. Not the most pop and scene for Memorial

Day. No, no one even said anything about it. I was like, Okay, all right. But no, I didn't do shit. Nice. Good. I'm glad. Keep it consistent. No grilled chicken by the pool.

You were by the pool? No, no, no. Remember we were talking about that? That might have been Fourth of July convoy we had last year about, I don't feel like going to a pool party. You're like, I don't like pool parties. Fourth of July pool parties, fuck off. A rooftop. A rooftop one, get out of here.

Man. That's a place I will get kicked out for being an idiot. Especially with kids now for me. I'm like, I can't think of anything unless I'd rather do. Absolutely not. You know, because it's like you have the rooftop situation,

but then you have just like the regular neighborhood family situation. And there's always a giant dog, you know. Oh, in the neighborhood pool? Yeah, well, not even the neighborhood pool, but like if there's something, like so you get the invite over somebody's pool party. Oh my God.

The dog's trying to take all your food that you set next to the pool and the plate. You know, they're up on the table. You know what I mean? Like you got to get introduced to people that you're probably never going to talk to again. Do the whole shebang? Are you,

do you have to like put food on top of high services because of happy? Does he, Will he like pick a, will he pick off a whole pizza if you're not like careful? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got to, I mean, you got to make sure the box is closed for sure.

And even then sometimes he's like gotten old enough now to where he figures out that like even if it's like a little bit loose, he can get his snout up there and just. And just get in there with it. So yeah. Happy's always a little too quiet whenever we have some people over for some food or for some pizza. and you're like, the happy alarm goes off. Yeah, happy alarm. Four minutes of silence, you're like, he's into something, bro. He got into something.

He took out a whole bowl of taco dip. Feeling fine the next day, tail wagon, not sick at all. Couldn't be happier to have down taco dip. Oh, my God, dude. The pain, bro, one time I put a whole entire pizza outside, frozen pizza, summer, couldn't wait, late night, couldn't wait to eat it, put it outside to let it cool, bro.

I look outside two minutes later, whole thing's gone. I was like, a dog? Neighborhood dog. Just, and I was like, with the cardboard torn up, not a dog or pizza in sight. I was like, I deserve it.

There wasn't even like a little shred and like a little like pepperoni or like pizza crust, like lounging around. Honestly, I, I forgot the pizza was out there for a little bit. So like, and I wasn't worried about it. I was like, you know, whatever. I have like a little, like pizza is going to be a little cool, like perfect.

I like room tent pizza. You can house way more of it. But there's something about, it's just like that ice cold glass of water or that hot piece of pizza. It's like, man, when you get just like a fresh, steamy hot one. Yeah. And you're down in it, that's like, oh, I'm in a pizza hut commercial. There is a big difference. There is a big difference.

But like I think pizza's, pizza's better after it's been out for like two hours, you know? Sure. That's the play. The line goes through for Pete. Oh my God, pizza's here. You wait or you sit back and wait.

You go up for seconds, bro. Everybody's kind of settled in their spots. Just hop in there. Hop in there and get you one hot slice. You know, like, all right, I'm good. Everybody calm down, you know. Maybe you and your uncle or somebody else is kind of going back in there and like lifting up the box just to kind of see what's going on. You know, oh, not too many people like the mushrooms.

Huh? Good for me. Right. And you kind of let it go. And then you come back around. And like you said, you come back around. And it's just like perfectly. There's a little bit right underneath the cheese that like when you first bite into it, it's still warm.

But then you're just like completely ripping it apart. Like it's like 14 pieces deep. Yeah. Like, you're like, I don't, I don't want to, I don't want to, you know, toot my own horn here, but like, I think I broke a record. You keep, you keep breaking up the draft, though. You know, if you, if you slopped 12 pieces onto your plate, you know, right as the line, right as the line is there informing,

people would be like, whoa, but if you let it die and then you, you know, grab two, circle, hey, what's up, come back, maybe I'll peek into, oh, anchovies, cool. There you go, you know. There's the guy that's keeping track. Just to make a comment. Hey, hey, you hungry? Just to make a comment.

Why you got to expose me? I'm starving. Hey, you doing that at your girls' new, your new girls get together? Yeah, you're so hungry. You got to eat, you got to pre-eat? You ever have to pre-eat? I've had to pre-tom. Oh, pre-toms.

Yeah. That's so funny. Do you pre-tum? It's part of my life. Do you pre-time? Yeah. But I had to pre-eat the other day because I was like, this just isn't. Because you never want to post-eat, you know what I mean?

There's been a couple times where I've gone out to eat and on the way home, I've got a foot-long sub from subway. Like, you got to clear it before. Yeah, that's, uh, see, because it's always tough, like when you're at a new girls get together. because there was, everybody was always so encouraging of like, come on, get up here, get some food. Come on. Get a plate. Come on.

You don't want to smoke, grandma. And it's like you have to be in line too with your girl, you know? Like that's, that, that is social suicide. If you're at a new girls get together and you go up in the line by yourself. Oh, you're getting roasted, my boy. See ya. You got to be right there. So it's just like, well, I didn't know you liked olives.

yeah, well, didn't think so the other night, you know, do that whole thing. Why am I picturing this at German Park for some reason? I knew that fucking gay, you did. I had a graduation party. Yeah, like, why, like, it's always so, everything's so roastable there. I'm like, I know everybody here. It's kind of awkward. Like, I want to talk to her, but I'm not going to.

Everybody's making fun of me. I'm eating way too much food. I don't know whose macaroni I'm eating right now. I've eaten half the pot. It's just like her aunts. Like, am I allowed to do this? Like, I'm just eating, like, I feel like a mooch. Like, no, you just, then you become macaroni guy and you got the aunt of the girls, you know, it's her macaroni like you said.

So then her and her husband, every time they see you, it's just like, hey, we're, hey, don't worry, we got some macaroni coming for you. Every year. A macaroni guy. Like, who would have thought I would have been macaroni guy to these people? And you're like a guy. And you're like, I'm not even like macaroni on Thanksgiving isn't even for me really. Like I just went out on a limb. Hey, you're taco dip guy.

Hey, someone does one thing and then there's whatever guy. That's just how it is. Macaroni guy, taco dip guy. Red shirt guy. Like it's just. And then like there's a girl. and you're like purple girl, you know? Like, this is so funny.

Loud guy. That's a loud guy. It's just whatever. It's just whatever and then guy. It's hot dog guy. The guy, the grill guy, bro. Do you remember? Steelers guy.

Shut the fuck off. No, I mean, I still. An annoying guy. I mean, yeah, I get the. Oh, you're the, you're the, you're the voices guy. Oh. You're the, you do you, you. do some of the voices I like.

Good. I'm glad John likes some of them. Cool. Good. I don't mean to bother you, but you do those voices, right? Don't say that. Because I'm that guy. I'm that guy. Hey, what I, what are you? Oh. Whatever happened to you're not that guy, pal guy. I love that guy. I miss that guy. how did you know you get all these people who you know they have one video that takes off on ticot or whatever and you know they all of a sudden get a reality show how does that guy not get

a reality show somewhere uh he he's the final boss of like one hit wonder tictox man that guy's good you're not that guy you're not that guy i'm like oh yeah i'm not you you're pimply little Shit. Just every CYO dad is that guy. So crazy, dude. I'm like, how do I? I feel like I know him. A million percent.

I feel like I had a sleepover in his basement. That guy's definitely yelled at me. And I, in like I, yeah, I'm scared of him to this day. Hey, you're not that guy-powered guy. Definitely smoke cigs in his garage. Mm-hmm. Hey, but he doesn't watch. football games. He listens to him

on the radio. I want to hear no Jim Nantz. I want to hear that guy pal. I kind of envy that. I kind of envy that. SIGs in the garage, but only like after the wife is in bed, like reading a book. They hate each other, bro. And he's wearing a cutoff.

Gene shorts. Hey, dudes. Is he like, is like? Is he fixing something? I feel like he's fixing something in the garage. He's like hanging up a bike. No, dude.

He's just straight like, he's not outside of the garage. He's standing about three feet back from the edge of the garage. And he's just smoking a sig. And just like looking outside. Like watching what's going on. An occasional.

Hey! How did that guy not get a deal with dude wipes? Or not dude wipes. Hey dudes, sorry. Dude wipes too, though. If there's anybody you should have gotten a brand deal with, hey dudes, it's that you're not that guy, pal guy. He's wearing him right now.

God, his wife in bed reading the book really hit home, man. That one kind of got me. I don't know. I got a little sad for some reason. Like complete silence. The room's real dark. Oof, depressing. Just has her night light on.

He comes stumbling in. I like Toot lost After just being in the garage Yeah it wasn't even anywhere He was just hammering bushlights in his garage Broncos beat him by three touchdowns Fuck

Like dude that's a Like they just got blanked Dude They're like oh Ask what's for dinner His wife's like He's thinking about calling into the post game show

But he's like Should I do it Yeah he kind of gets nervous Looky You know he's had so much bravado but he kind of finally like he's on the hold for too long and he just talks himself out of it you're writing down what he's going to say on the post game show because he got kind of nervous but like his his his his writing down skills like are like super like you're not that guy pal

he's like he holds his you know what I mean he's like like first time he's ever written anything song out yeah a little yellow no pad that has ash stains on him Anthony Richardson just can't play this NFL. Disgrace. The ease backwards in the shit. You're like, dude, I thought you were writing down like something to actually say on the radio.

Fuck. Just bold points. Just bold points. They, uh, man. Yeah, we're in it. We're in graduation time though. Graduation. Me and you are just that guy in two years.

Hey, if I have a garage. I can hang out in like that. Would it be mad about it. You in two years. Pet and Happy. God, I miss Tommy Maddox. You know, I think they gave up on PIC a little too soon.

I actually think that. Got Frank in line for tackle football and shit. He's like four. Oh, yeah? Get your stance, Frankie. pimply little shit. Man, isn't it wild?

You mentioned mac and cheese at a graduation party at German Park. Remember just how it felt like those are gonna run our lives forever?

What? Graduation parties? I was so nervous going to him. It's a lot. I was like, am I wearing the right thing? Like, what's the

I never knew the vibe. I was like, okay, there's four family, there's a four-way graduation party going on. One family's definitely mad at me. For God knows why. The other family probably thinks I'm going to steal something.

Because I was kind of a dickhead at their house that one time. And I don't think they forgot. The other two families really like me. So like, am I wearing like, let's go to church clothes or am I wearing like, I'm going to the mall today clothes? Right. And am I going to be like funny guy or am I going to be like respectful guy? right hey there's an open house like a literal open house after this so am i changing you know

do i have to wear like the cargo khakis and a polo shirt and then change into my USA team basketball jersey after or should i just go USA team basketball with a lanyard around my neck it was always like yo which graduation open house are we going to last like what's like the lit one that we can like stay at a little longer, you know? What's the one where their dad might actually give us beer? Is it? What's the one where their dad smokes cigs in the garage?

You can watch that graduation party, a little wacky, but you're like, after a couple hours, you feel at home. It's always so funny to being like random people's houses, you know? So weird being like, where's the restroom? Like, I have to pee in your downstairs bed, like, bathroom, half bath. You get the invite from like a friend of a friend who you aren't that like close with

but like it's graduation parties so they kind of want as many people to be there as I can. Yeah, I got second-hand invite. Who knows what's going to happen. Right. But I mean, you know, you got the invite but it's really because you're mutual friend that they're closer to.

You know, and so you go and like, yeah, I don't. you know, never did I think that I would be in Alec Dale's basement, let alone with his uncle sitting here talking to me about the 1984 Ron Calley football team. And meanwhile, I kind of smell like weed. But it wasn't me. It was my friend. His car reeks of it. I would never. Are you kidding me? I already have anxiety. You think I'd do that before this? Like, I just drove here in a weed car. There was no, there was no smoking. Can't get out of a weed car situation.

You got to ride in what you get a ride in, you know? I'm in a weed car. Real trap shit. Most of the time, those weed cars, it was really because of like, yeah, the weed was in, like it was ingrained in there. But those black ice ones, those black ice car scents, that pretty much smelled like I get amplified it, you know? It does a black ice.

Yeah, it really does. It turns the volume up on the weed a lot. I don't know how or what. why, but it just does. How about the graduation open houses that would have a pool, like you could swim there too? That's a little too much, man. God, that's a lot.

I mean, good idea by them just being like, let's utilize the pool, but like somebody's really got to commit to that. I think it's more so there for like the little cousins who are coming, you know, but like some little. Yeah. You get some people like,

the, like the, that are graduating in the pool. Like, it turns into like a graduation party. You'll never forget. So it's like, there's always that chance of like, is, are we going to take this thing? Are we going all the way? Or are we just? And hopefully that's the last one. Because then the little kiddos are leaving, you know?

And it's like, hey, kiddos are leaving. Last grad party. Kids, big kids come out to club. Or what? The first person who takes their shirt off. That's so crazy. What a move. That's what it always comes down to.

And probably would have been you. I would take the bullet. Because I'm like, bro, let's just do it. I think if I start it, I think Joey might, like, I know killer will. Start counting your head. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, I know somebody's got my back on this one.

And if not, I'm just the guy swim, the weird guy swimming. And things could be worse. But what it really comes down to is, yeah, the shirt off. but then who's doing a cannonball and really setting it off? Yeah, I'll break the door in and then somebody, yeah, I need back. Where's the backup?

Who's the backup guy? You need the backup because then if not, then all of a sudden you just become like the cool friend that's like playing and tossing the five-year-old cousin that's in the pool. Five-year-old cousins throwing grapes in your mouth from the outside, you're just the weird guy

in the pool catching them. Right. You're like, where's been? he tried to get the pool party started but he's throwing my niece Kaya in the pool Yeah I just gotta Just gotta ride it out for a little while

Can't quit on it too soon You know Might be out here for 35 minutes And I'll see you guys back inside What do you uh What was like If you were coming up to a graduation party You're like man I

I heard they're having this Gotta go for that food Mmm that was a big that was a big like selling point for graduation parties like what do they have in if they're getting it catered i'm going bro do you hear about his open house i'm not we're not like we weren't great friends but chippole's catering it yeah chippole that was wild or like just one of those catering services it's called like bubs oh see i never liked those i was always like do it by a real place.

Like the catering places is always just kind of like a step down, you know. It was like the, it was like the team Jordans compared to the regular Jordans. You're right. But they, they do have that, uh, that apple butter. I mean, it's still free. So they're always known for something. They've got unlimited apple butter there. I was always just one to be like, why don't we just get like 25 pizzas?

Like, what are we doing? I'm that guy too. but nobody likes that. It's weird. I'm like, just shut the fuck up, bro. Yes,

25 pizzas works everywhere. Funeral. Yeah. Wedding. Yeah. Everywhere. Pizza works. Yeah,

it was always just the mom and like the aunt, like your mom's sister or something. It was like, we can't do that or the grandma. You know, they get real weird about it. Like,

it's like, it reflects upon them. And I'm like, okay, so, you're going to make all this food slave away on all this food it's going to be you know pretty solid but like you're going to be more stressed out about it probably have a whole potato salad that nobody's going to even eat or you could just ring up enzo's for 25 pizzas and everybody's

going to be happy it's just a no fail pizza's great man I mean you'll get some you'll get some ladies that are like but they end up having like one of those real skinny slices you know right Yeah. Right. With olives on it. You know, we got talking about pizza again, bro. You'd always have like, you know, one of the kids who was like from a real Italian family, you know, who just did their party, like, with them and their cousin who was also graduating. They would have, like, they would, they would cater like an actual Italian place.

Crazy. Hell, yeah. You know. Yeah, they're really doing it. You got to come correct to that one. Right. The food might set the vibe for the whole thing. Meanwhile, I did it with like five friends and we just had like cold, sloppy Joe sandwiches and mac and cheese.

I was like... Kind of fire. Kind of fire. Not great, but they have pigs in a blanket too. Ours was at German Park, by the way. I went to countless graduation parties at German Park. So scared every single time. Because it's a, I mean.

you're not just walking into one single I mean you're walking into an ambush grandma's there you don't have to say your hello's to one family and one friend you have to do it five times yep and sometimes like there's a DJ and you're like you're playing dancing queen

like here uh like what did I just this is insane what did you do for your graduation party I have to know this bro uh it was i felt bad honestly um i can't believe i haven't asked this yet but now i am so dude my mom kind of hooked it up she we just had like a like a oh you know what you know what we did bro hey chick fillet nugget tray oh nice nice we had the fruit trays A lot of nuggets too. My mom didn't go, didn't go shy with it. I was like, hey, the boys are coming over, like later probably. Like, I don't want to ask too much, but could we have some food for them? And she like, she did her thing. Like, we might have like a little too many chick-fil-a nuggets. And like the cousins came over and stuff. You know, my mom teaches tennis. I know you know, but I'm just saying it. So we cut like a, we cut like a, we cut like a, we cut like a.

tennis court in our backyard. I can't believe you didn't like stumble over somehow. I know. Yeah. I kind of for some reason think you did. But we cut like a tennis court real low grass in our backyard and put up like a net. And we had these balls that would like, this sounds like I'm explaining a dream. But like there weren't real tennis balls. They were like spongy. And you can play tennis like on the grass. So we had like Wimbledon in our Wimblebin. See we weren't thinking like that back then. So it was really your mom's graduation party. Yeah. You know, she was kind of showing off the house. Oh yeah. How long did you have to clean before that? You started like May 1st for June 12th graduation party? We had a couple, we had a couple trial run like parties before that party. Like we had a couple test parties.

Yeah. Yeah. We hit with like we we broke in the court a couple times like get some feedback. The trampoline was a real party favor. we saw the trampoline family. Net or no net? No net. Dude, what are you doing? Bro, you know, come on, dude. Break your arm. Broken arm, broken neck, waiting to happen.

Break your arm about it. We used to have, dude, this is crazy, but this is insane, like, senior football player shit. You can't wait for this. I would have, like, the foot, because my house was right by the high school. My mom's, my dad wasn't, my dad didn't live there, obviously. So we could kind of get away with like, my mom was cool. So we had a trampoline no net, not even the padding around it. And we would have trampoline fights.

And I was like organizing it. I'd be like Josh Matthews, Joe King, let's go. What a matchup. I know. I was like, this is going to be insane. And you know how dudes that are like seniors, they, like, we're just like always like wrestling. just the dumbest form of primal yeah and I'm like we might as well do it on the trampoline like it'll fucking it'll make it better like

it'll hurt as much I can't believe it's gonna be my son one day oh he's gonna be worse but um and then Mira's gonna be right there with all her little girly friends and oh god yeah you're in for it bro but you know all the tricks so you're good what have I done yeah you really you fucked up But that, my graduation, my mom kind of, my mom, my mom, my mom showed up, dude. That's not, yeah, that's good. I mean, Chick-fil-A, absolutely.

That's one we had mentioned. My aunts were going to be there. My mom's not going. She's got to put on for the ants. She's putting on, bro. Yeah. She's not, she's showing up for the aunts. Your sister's come.

Yeah, they lived at the house, too. They were setting up, bro. I wore a gray Hollister polo Fuck yeah Little pit stains, little pit stains No, I was on the certain dry then Two Nike baller bands Cargo shorts

High white Nike's No I don't know if that was the play then I think it was still ankle socks No shows Yeah No you know what it was a Slides

toes out, weird toe out, just what's up. And I haven't seen it in four years. What's up? Girl who you're trying to hook up with before you go to college. Check that out. It's my house. It's my party. So true.

The picture book, the girl I dated throughout high school made on the table, but I don't date her anymore. What's up? Pictures of us, I know like we're still dating, but we're not. I forgot. about that? I was like, yo, she did kind of hook up that picture book, though. You might want to put that out there.

Did she show up to the party? Mm-mm. No, no, no. But I did go to hers, and I was like, this is, I am in a, I'm in hostile territory here. Yeah, dude. That was a, that was a crazy move. Crazy move. Julie's go with people?

Yeah, it was one of those situations where, like, her fans. family definitely hates me. My best friend is her cousin. My other best friend, like, everybody loves them. I'm like, I think I'm, I think it'd be kind of rude not to show up. That's a clearance. Yeah. But I was just real like, you know, hey.

Congratulations. Yeah. Oh, my God. Holy God. Did you talk to her dad? Yeah, yeah, for sure. like majority because dads are cool, bro.

They like get it. You guys, whatever. You guys weren't getting married anyways. He was still like how a workout's going. Right, right. And I'm like,

hell yeah. That's good. But the mom and the grandma? See you. Hey, no eye contact. I was looking down. I do.

So I, my parents went over to set up at mine because like, it was, me and four of my buddies. And there's at German Park. And so my parents, you know, they went and they were all like getting everything set up. The food ready.

The poster. All that shit. And I was like, I don't remember what it was. It was like, I think it was after race weekend. And I was just dead. Right. It was just dead tired. So I was like, I'm not going to go over yet.

Like I'll just meet. It's just down the road. I'm just going to meet you guys there. You guys did live close. Yeah. And they were like, all right. Just like, you better be on time. It's your party.

I was like, yeah, for sure. Bro, I fell asleep in one of those like sleeps where like you have no recollection of almost even laying down and you're just fucking out. Crazy. The timing. Dude, and I woke up to my mom just like in my face being like, what are you doing?

We thought you were dead. Like because they were like my phone was on the, my phone was on the ground. I was sleeping on the couch. My phone was on the ground. So the universe vibrating and shit. It wasn't phasing me. So I like look at my phone.

all like groggy-eyed, like 18 missed calls, text for my sister, my dad, my mom, like, people who are showing up to the party being like, yo, your parents are like, where are you, dude? And I was like, I swear to God, like, I just, I actually fell asleep. I'm so sorry. So like my mom, like, of course she jumps to that. But like she thought I like gotten a car crash on the way there and fucking died. Hey, kind of a cool entrance actually.

So I showed up fashionably late to my own graduation party. kind of hard bro of course there was like you know the aunt uncle and the great great grandmother that you're like holy shit like she has to be there from like five to like five 30 because she's so old she can't be out I'm like sorry gag all you know like

and my mom's pissed about that yeah dude it was rough hey the uncle that's like glad you could make it oh totally dude totally and you're like shut the fuck shut the fuck I'm

Tony. All the above. No, Tony, he was, he was going into, he had just graduated from IU, so he was just, you know, he got it,

but the older ones didn't. Funniest guy ever. Then we ended up, yeah, here's something for the clubhouse. That night ended up being a night. The famous haircut photo, that was that night.

Because you guys showed up. Oh, wait, why did we? I don't know, because there was like five St. Barnabas families having this party at German Park. So you and fucking Joe King and Chiller, all were just like,

I think I might have, no, I wasn't. I would have felt, I would have felt like I could go because you were there. I would have been like, fucking Molaneros there, dude,

let's go. It was me, Melto, Riser, Heckman, Baker. So I feel like mere, me or Baker.

Yeah. I feel like mere, me or Baker. was the common thread there, I feel like. Oh, yeah, dude. And Dylan was coming, so probably like a tie there. But then, yeah, we ended up after that party at Germantown

going over to your guys' house or whatever it was by U.N.D. And that's the night. That's the night of that famous haircut photo. Me, me, anytime anything's happening, I guess I'll just give somebody a haircut. I guess.

I liked it, too. It was like going. going into college, like, you know, had a nice little like buzz, Mohawk type situation. I remember before you guys came over, I was like, is this, is this like illegal?

I was like, I don't really know if we should be doing this, but I was like, they're in college now. Yeah, it was like the opening to the wild. And we were like, wow. It's just a bunch of dudes playing real trap shit,

giving each other haircuts. Sounds good to me. I'd do that. I'd do that right now. In the shittiest departments of all time. Hey, man. Yeah. What can you do?

But didn't matter. It was like a mansion to us. We were like, we got a place to be that we can tell our parents that we're at or there's booze. Cool. Down. Bathrooms upstairs, boys. I don't know.

I know you're going to steal something. So just whatever. We're not all like you, dude. Doors open. Or just like go out on the front deck and let it rip, you know? All right, I got one from the clubhouse this week, holiday week, I get it. From Walker. The title is Daryl Strawberry.

Says, I know Joey likes some short and sweet. So give me your take on these three or just one if it's too long. One, Tom Segorah and Tony Hinchcliff. Two, powder blue Carolina Panthers jerseys are a cross. Creamsicle Buck's jerseys. Three MLB Slugfest or NFL Street. Slapped my ass like Peyton Manning is pissed trying to get his offense set

with two seconds left on the clock with Jeff's Saturday during a spring OTA. God, Peyton Manning would really wait to the last second, bro. And scramble up. Dude, you know when the play clock's running down on the screen and you're like, oh my God, and he gets it off like at point 0.01?

I'm like, every time? It is like down to zero, but you're like somehow the officials didn't get from the snap to the clock in time. I'm like, dude, that, oh my God, I would have thrown that flag. I always, yeah, dude, I'm getting, I'm now the 500's over and everything. I'm like fully just like ready to be training camp and getting to football season. Yeah. So I'm just already like when he said that in my head, I was already picturing myself just get it off.

Get it off. Get it off. Anytime the play clock's running down. Wasting a timeout in the fucking third quarter. But then I was like, We're gonna need that. We're gonna need that. Did we waste it or was it planned? Every time we're watching a Steelers game.

Steelers take a timeout with 12 minutes ago in the third quarter. Me and my dad. Gonna need that with two minutes left, Mike. Hey, hey, hey, dude, dude. When a team, when your team misses an extra point, oh, that's going to get us. Every time. Lose by one.

Oh my God. Hey, it was that extra point. Yep. Yep. Uh-huh. There's nothing that's good at the game or more. Or be down by four with the ball driving and you're like, I would have just had to kick a field goal if we would have made the PAT.

But I don't, hell, I don't even trust them anyways. These kickers get so much shit. Poor guys. I can't wait, dude. Oh, God. I'm so ready for some football mullinard. Jeez. This, dude, the extra point hurts.

Early in the game, you're like, whatever. We got a lot of games. left. Late in the game, you're like, put that extra point. Fuck. Okay, we get one of them. We can do all three. He said powder blue Carolina Panthers or creamsicle bucks.

Man. I almost want to, they're two played. I almost want to say neither. I'd take Carolina. I think so, too. Carolina Panthers, they don't get enough recognition for their uniforms, honestly. They've stuck through since like, when did the Panthers become a teen, like 2000?

1997. That's insane. And they've had the same uniforms the whole time and they haven't even like, they've been cool the whole time. They've added the black and like the different alterations of like black pants, blue top, all black. But like pretty dope. Yeah.

No, totally. I never get tired of the Panthers uniforms. Right. But Creamsicle is too. They're on the internet too much. I'm like guys you said it you said it best you're like they're not that cool hanging in the Louvre pewter is better dude pewter bucks that is that is the Buccaneers dude that is the NFL bro Ben send me a DM of course like 2 a.m.

randomly like the night before the 500 just has no clue what's going on and don't want to know either it was it was like the 2001, 2002 Rams, like Tori Holt, Marshall Falk, you know, like the Hard Navy and like the satin gold, then he was like, how NFC is this? He's like, they're so NFC.

I was like, yep, those Rams and the Simian Rice warranted sat bucks, NFC. Iconic NFC games that I'll never forget. When the Bucks played the Rams and then when the Michael Vic Falcons played the Packers,

in the snow. I was like, dude, this is so NFC right now. I was like, this is so NFC, like, I want to, like, get under a blanket. Yeah, dude. I remember being at Clinton Corbyn's sleepover for his birthday when Mike Vick went to Lambo and beat

Brett Favre. I was like, this is insane that they just beat the Packers. I thought, I was like, not in a million years. Are they going to win? Yeah, you're like, dome team, mobile quarterback. Like, no way. just went in there

and worked. Michael, like, holding the ball like a bag of bread just. Jesus, and they beat the peak Brett Fav.

Yeah. They beat the brakes off them too. And then the Broncos just in the Super Bowl. No, the Eagles. The Eagles beat

them in the NFC title game. Oh, wait, what? Are you talking to Falcons? Well, yeah, what happened that year?

Falcons beat the Packers and I believe the divisional round to move on to Philly to play the Eagles on the title game and they lost to Philly. McNabb. Which then ended up

being, I'm pretty sure ended up being the Eagles and Pats. Pretty sure. Clubhouse, check us on it if you need to. You're the guy. You're the fucking guy, dude. Hey, you know what? You're not that guy, pal. 2004

Falcons results. Yeah. Because I thought that was maybe the year they... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on. Oh, yeah, because the Falcons never went to the Super Bowl of Vic. I'm tripping. That was some Chris Chandler shit.

So they went... What are we doing? Here we go. Here we go. Oh, shit. Maybe it was a year before. Because it says, yeah, they beat the Packers the year before because they played the divisional game.

The divisional round against the Rams, still very NFC. they beat the doors off them, 47 to 17. And then they went to Philly and lost 27 to 10 to the Eagles. But 2003 must have been like, that must have been the year where I was like, oh shit, watch out for the, no. When the fuck did they beat? It was 2002. The Falcons beat the Packers in 2002? Dude, there's somebody in the clubhouse listening right now that's like these guys are so dumb.

Yeah, no, it was 2002. There it is. Okay. but then yeah, okay, so 2002, they beat the doors off the Packers in the wild card, 27 to 7 in the snowy game in Lambo, and then they lost 20 to 6 to Philly

in the divisional round, and then two years later, Mike Vig broke his leg the next year, and then two years later, that's when they went to the divisional round, beat the doors off the Rams, and then lost the Eagles again in the championship. With the awesome Fox, the all-time Fox graphics up there,

the ones that are like, pixelated. That was so sick. The NFC for some reason just makes me want to eat chunky soup and go to sleep. Oh, God. Build a snowman, eat some chili.

Chili, dude. Chilly and the NFC. Yep. Okay, what else were... MLB Slugfest or what was the other one? NFL Street. Street. I know you're going street.

I'm going Slugfest. I'm more of a, the first one, I think it was, I forget the comedians he said, Tony Hinchcliff. I'm a Tony Hinchcliff fan. Yeah,

I honestly didn't know about him until the Tom Brady roast, but he killed it. Yeah, good question. And then Segura, yeah, I mean,

it's him and Kreischer, right, who do that pod together. They could, too, that podcast is amazing. That's like what me and Ben eventually want to be.

Yeah. Is he kidding me? That is a great. Yeah, good on both those guys. We can only wish. Exactly. All right, man. Let's push some tickeys real quick before we get out of here.

Hot show, hot show. Columbus, June 13th, coming up. Get your ticies. I can't wait to come to. I want to be back in the Midwest so bad. So come out. say what's up let's take some pickies

let's give a couple kisses Columbus June 13th come out tickets right underneath it's gonna be really fun bringing the squad so

be a good show and then Portland Philly coming up next sweet cool good deal oh fuck Jamal Williams

Ruben drones. Whoa.