THESE GUYS! - When Did Your Dream Die?

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

This week the boys talk about q-tip orgasms (and brett favre obviously)🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 Albany, NY 4/6 https://albany.funnybone.com/ShowDetails/7103c957-393b-4e13-a58a-cb2b21082f5d/fe90f238-dd0b-4177-a490-91bacbb9d65d/Benedict_Polizzi/Albany_Funny_BoneTampa, FL https://improvtampa.com/ShowDetails/d8ced7f0-fb31-41ba-86c6-14ef820cde86/86796be0-6fce-4955-94fc-cf1047b171ae/Benedict_Polizzi/Tampa_ImprovBoston, MA 5/4 https://wl.seetickets.us/event/Benedict-Polizzi-800pm/532615?afflky=LaughBoston🎟 𝗔 𝗡𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗧 𝗪𝗜𝗧𝗛 𝗝𝗢𝗘𝗬 𝗠𝗨𝗟𝗜𝗡𝗔𝗥𝗢Indianapolis, IN 5/25 https://thevogue.com/events/an-evening-with-joey-mulinaro-friends-may-25-2023🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://youtu.be/xxQ75QbyHHY🧢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗦𝗘 𝗚𝗨𝗬𝗦! 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/products/unisex-premium-sweatshirt-1

Dude, somebody broke into my sister's car at our house one time and just, like, rearranged all the stuff in it. It didn't take shit. She had a bunch of magazines in the trunk. That's like stacked them up. That's creepy. Put all the change, like, organize the change. That's some serial killer shit. Dude, and this is crazy.

It was like near Valentine's Day and there's like Valentine's like little things you can stick on the window in a car. They were all on the inside of her car. That's really scary. Dude, I was like, can we move? These guys, this guy. This guy. Hey, upcoming stand-up comedy shows. This Thursday, Albany, New York.

I'll see you at the Funny Bone. And I'll be in NYC today and Wednesday before Albany. So I'll kiss you then. Then we got Tampa, April 27th. Get your ticks. And then we've got Boston on May 4th. Can't wait. And then I come in in May.

Three weeks later, May 25th, Thursday night at the Vogue and Broad Ripple, just outside Indy, just announced Willie Griswold from the legendary Bob and Tom show going to be there. We're going to have some comedy. We're going to have some music. We're going to have some booze. We're going to have some big guests. It's going to be a lot of fun. So all the tickets are in the description and me and Ben's bios.

Bye, bye. Let's start the show. You got a haircut. Just happened just now. You know, after you get a haircut, you start. of like hair in your ears and shit. I have hair all over my face. Still got a little bit of that like kind of burn on the side of your head a little bit.

Yeah, you see it? No. There's not like a little like fuck up. No, I mean like my hair and I made a face and I heard it and I was like, oh, that's going to hurt later. No,

I just meant like, you know, when you get that fresh cut and they put like cream or whatever in there. It's like it kind of still, it's a little bit of a burn. I like that burn. Not bad. I know.

I'm like, ooh, that's doing something to my neck. I don't know what it is because I'll never see the back of my head. How about us just not seeing the back of our whole entire bodies, our whole life? I know. You ever see the back of yourself in the mirror and you're like, Jesus Christ, I'm a piece of shit? Why is my ass saggy like that?

I'm like, that's how I look, dude? That's how my back is? Why does the back of my pants, they're just like sag into nothingness? Like they're an empty bag of bread. Ew. Your ankles and shit. I'm like, I need to like work out. Yeah, I need to do some more squats.

I need to do a lot of things, dude, because I look like shit from the back. If I saw myself from the back, I'd smack the hell. out of the back of my head. If you look like shit, then I may as well just kill myself. Old garbage bag pants walking around down the street. Slouchy shoulders. Head down, looking at your phone, double chin. That's me all day.

Oh, dude, horrible. Everybody's the same. Hey, you're never hotter, though. You're never hotter until right after your haircut. Yeah, your video you put out today. I was like, it looks good. Oh, no. You look hot, dude.

Actually, I didn't get a haircut, though. I know, but you did like recently, right? No. Just way off. How about that shit? When somebody's like, do you get a haircut? And you're like, absolutely not. Where the fuck have you been?

Never hotter besides after a haircut, voice never sexier besides waking up, hungover. Ooh, after the indie 500. If I could do every show after just getting a fresh haircut and after being just completely blitzed the night before, I think I would, I'd probably have like 10 million followers. Before every podcast, we just scream in our pillows for like two and a half hours to make our voice sound like, yes. Just drink nothing but Red Bull Votkaski's and scream into pillows and then go to the barbershop real quick. And then come in. Do you guys prep for the podcast?

Yeah, just got drunk as hell and screamed with my pillow and got to fade. Ready. Ready, Freddie. TG28. What, bro, I can get into Twizzlers. You Twizzler guy? Shut the hell up. Yeah.

Just like the OG pack. Just the OG pack. No fun in games. Well, yeah, it's like strawberry. You P&P? You pull and peel? What do you think of them? Taking a bunch of them and eating them?

No, no. Like you either get the Twizzler that you can like smack somebody on the arm with. That's like, ow, bro, but give me one. Or you can get the Twizzler that's pulling and peel. Oh, yeah, you peel it apart. They end up looking like angel hair like spaghetti. I don't like those. Really?

Yeah. I don't like those. I just like the classic rap. Because then if you're doing that, it's not a Twizzler. It's a string. The pollen peels. I think that's the OG Twizzler. I don't think so.

No. I think it's just the regular. But yeah, I've been getting real. I gave my wife a lot of shit because she was real into Twizzler. I was like, I just never could get into it. Growing up,

I was always like, it's just licorice. Like that shit sucks. You're like eating plastic. It's not good. And she was really into it, especially when she was pregnant with Frank. Oh,

that's like when she got. I mean, she always liked him, but we started kind of having, like, a bag around. I was always like, fucking Twizzler. Like, I think they, I think they made it to the hospital with us. You know, like, it's a wild card. Sandy. And then, like, one day I was just like, you know when you're just kind of like bored and you're like, I just want to fucking gnaw on something. Oh, it's a good, it's a good chew toy, bro.

Yeah, Ry was like, Ry was having twizzler. I was like, you know what? Fuck it. Just give me some. So I had a couple. And I was like, I mean, these are fine. And I just found, found myself keep eating them. and now

I'm Twizzler Tommy Twizzler Tony To Twizzler Tommy Man when you just gnaw on those things And they got a little slight bit of strawberry flavor Like a little tiny bit of strawberry flavor Just in your back teeth You're like

Man this is like I'm gnaw on wax here I guess But I love it It's like chewing on a like a keychain You know Your mom has that keychain And you're just like you're gnawing on it When you're like 10 Man, I'm giving myself a jaw work out.

It's good, man. I'm freaking taking headshots after this because I'm going to have a jaw of steel after eating these Twizzlers. Twizzlers is a weird candy to just hop on. That would be a weird. Even as much as I like Twizzlers, I don't think I'd want to get them in like a Halloween basket. Oh, I kind of like that. Because they're so wild card. I'm like, you know, I can get down with this.

And it's always the P&P. It's never the OG. I'm like, if we're pulling and peeling, I can do that. They're real fat. It's a challenge, you know? Yeah, it does kind of like, yeah. I love a good candy challenge. You start at the top, you really kind of,

your wrist and your forearms are, they're working a little bit. Yeah. You get down in the middle, it's like, okay, now it's just unraveling. Twizzlers are a whole, part a little bit. Twizzlers is a whole workout. Your jaw, your fucking wrist. I got carpal tunnel. What happened?

Two Twizzlers. She took them down. It says low fat snacks. I'll go with it. Yeah. Anything on a box. or a bag, believe it. Low fat.

Come. Heart healthy. Let's go. The veggie straws. It's like organic, natural. I'm like, oh, I'm eating veggies. They're just fritos, dude. Worst fucking thing ever.

Veggie straws? I'm just saying, like, it says organic, hard healthy. That's how you know it's the worst thing for you. Like organic cheese and stuff like that or like low fat cheese. It's like actually it's poison. You got, yeah, that's what you got to appreciate when food, they just are what they are. And they're not trying to pull one over on you. You know, when you got just like, right, you know,

when you have like a nerds rope, they're not saying anything about like, little fat snack. They're just like, these are fucking awesome and they'll probably kill you. Yeah, hopefully. But you're like, yep, give it to me. Nerds rope.

I can't even. It gives me a headache thinking about it, but Twizzlers? You can't do it with nerds ropes? I can't. Why? I just eat. I just have a couple bites.

I'm like, this is too much for me. I don't deserve this, you know? What about the, nerds clusters. Those are way too much. One time I ate like, I was on this little candy kick. Oh yeah.

And me and Chiller roommate went to the gas station because we're just like, you know, we both want candy. Let's make it. Let's make it a date. Let's go on a candy date. Low key. I didn't say it, obviously. Candy date with a guy.

Because that would have killed the vibe. Candy date with a guy's fun. But when you, oh my God, it's the best. Candy date with the boys to the gas station. Best time of your life. Best hour. You would one million percent rather go on a candy date to the gas station with your friend. than the nicest steakhouse dinner with a girl.

I mean, who wouldn't? I'm not saying you as in the general. It's like a capital you. Oh, yeah. Not you. That's a. What a piece of shit liar if you'd rather go to the steakhouse. You need to look at yourself in the mirror.

No, I'd really go with you, babe. Kill yourself, dude. No. I want to have steak and wine with you, babe. I want to go on a nice dinner with you, babe, please. I want it to be our night. Dude, what a scammer that that guy is. No guy wants to do that.

If they're a real human, if they're programmed by a computer or something, then yeah, they're going to the steakhouse. But every guy is just like, yeah, I'd get candy to the gas station with you, dog. It's the most romantic thing, too, guys can do. When they're looking at all the candy, they're, they're, they, you know. you like get close to your dude, your boy, and you're like, which one should I get, dude? Reading the back of the, you know, seeing the flavors and the variety pack on there. Yeah. Oh, they got green apple.

Should I go berry? You can, like, smell his breath a little bit. You're like, this is the closest we've ever been. Should I go Mary Barry? It always has a name, you know, Mary Berry, favorite. Tropical extreme version. And then you go to pay for them and you're like, I got it. So it really is a date, bro.

Hey, because, like, he drove or something. You know, it's like, I'll make it next time, dog. Yeah. Then you, then you dab up. And it's like, we're in love pretty much. Awesome. It's a close, yeah, it's the most romantic thing I've ever been a part of. Hey, you're on a road trip to like, you know, Florida or something, somewhere where there's a beach or warm weather.

That's when you're like, should I get the tropical sourpatch kids? I mean, it only makes sense. Let me lean into the geography of where we are right now. If we were going up to Michigan, you want to get tropical. Yeah, you get like some, like some sweet heat. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get something hot.

Uh-huh. Exactly. Maybe some Mike and Ikes. Ooh, those are wild. My mom was on those, bro. She would not stop either. I'd be like, they're not that good.

I was going to say, there'd be another one in the car. I was like, Mike and Ikes could be better, you know? That was like, in my head, that was Mike and Ike's phrasing. Mike and Ikes could be better.

They're kind of getting wild, though. You know, like Snickers have it your way. You know, Burking have it your way. Snickers, you're not you and you're satisfied or whatever the fuck. Mike and Ike. could be better. Could be better, but we're good.

Mike and Ix is, you got a, you got to like, not bad, but not bad, but haven't perfected it. Like Zahors was the perfect. Big time.

That was the perfect version of that candy. Are they? Like the little pills, like the little kind of crunchy, but soft pills. Pills. You know,

you put them in your mouth, you're like, hmm, my pressure to swallow this hole, but then you can chill with some water. Yeah. Dude. Here we go.

Mickenikes. Let's get some Mikanikes. Here we go. He's just getting the job done. See, they're branching out. Mike and Ike are branching out. That's what I'm talking about. See, that's it.

Mike and Ike, that's when they perfected it. They had regular Mike and Ikes, and it's like, fine, can chew on them. You know, they maybe got a couple flavors that are really good. And then they said, no, you know what? We're going to absolute perfect this, absolutely perfect this. And then they created Zowers. And now they discontinued Zowers.

Zowers don't exist. anymore. They just switched them to the mega Mike and Ike Sowers. Zowers has just got bought out or like they're just not. I think they just changed their branding. They just got red of, you know, they just. What a name. Mike and Ike. Right. Those two guys were they just us one day and they're like, you know what? We should. And he's like, yes.

This works. One guy. No, they do have no way. They did. You actually do have a little bit of hair right there on your face. Oh, for sure. I'm going to have hair on my face for two and a half more weeks. After you get a haircut, bro. you ever put a Q-tip in your ear after you get a haircut it's just covered in hair and you're like uh all right so that no one's told me about that feels so good though

what the Q-tip you clean your ear out it's ridiculous how does it work yeah like what's this I want to know the science behind that I love all the people who went to be like speech pathologists and who are like ear doctors are like now don't you know it really just needs to be like a light wrap around the ear

don't need a stick and I'm like are you kidding me I'm literally fucking my ear with this cute tip dude dude all sides every

I hit a different crevice the other day and I was like oh that's the spot you come like a dog and your

legs starts jiggling oh my god sloboring you ever start dude I go I swear to God I go two at once

I'm like this I used to do that double the pleasure double the fun Q-tip boy and I'm gonna cut my parents

my mom used to get mad at me when I do that because you know I was just knocking them out at the same time I'm not gonna know dance everything you knew it was really good yeah yeah then she was just like you that's why there's two sides I was she got bad yeah because I was doing a two for one every single time yeah you're getting you're getting too much pleasure mom had a tone turn it down yeah but you know yeah it's like with uh you know when you're sharpening your pencil in grade school just jamming it into that old ass fucking gung yeah that one that's clean that's clean

in your ear. I can never get that right. Sharpener. Pencil is the cleaner. I can never get that right. Those are always like cheese. Those had to have gone away by now, right? Probably not at Catholic schools.

Yeah, that's true. There's still a weird ass pencil sharpener in the back of every Catholic school classroom. What a process. Just disrupting the entire lesson. Just to write something down? Yeah, dude. Holy shit, man.

You're lined up. I never just right never if you gotta start to get a little bit of flow with it going

though you're like oh damn I can do this it always depended on the pencil too you knew which

you knew which one was gonna sharpen it's like when you're in your driver's seat or like the front seat of a car and you're going

to put on the seatbelt and you like you know you pull and then it just doesn't go anywhere I hate that oh

you've been more mad god damn it come on what's going on and then it's like voo then you can do it I always thought that just happened to me.

Sometimes you have to get out of the car to reset. You have to get out of the car to reset, then get back in and be like, okay. Let's see if it'll work now. I think it's because your foot's on the break. I always kind of thought that. Dude, I forgot to tell you a story

from when I was in St. Pete. Let's hear it. Yeah, I just made me think of it with the resetting, getting in and out of the car. So it's like 8 a.m. Saturday morning, going to pick up my credit.

for the Indy car race. And the credential pickup was a spot. It's a street race. So it's like in the heart of downtown indie. Or not downtown Indy. It's a heart of downtown St. Pete. Not the hard of downtown St. Pete. It's all in there though.

So like they're racing cars on actual streets? Yes. Like right here? Yes. And seems dangerous. You got put up a lot of fences, don't they? Yeah. I mean, you shut the whole area down and make it into a track.

Are people like close to the fence? It's like, Yeah, I mean, you're not like sticking your fingers through there. You know what I mean? Yeah. You can walk right by there. So, um,

so I'm going to pick up my credential. And it's like 8 a.m. Just rolled out of bed. I drive down there, park it across the street from where I'm supposed to go to pick up my credential. I have a rental car. It's like a black SUV, right?

Jeez. So I go in, get my credential, I'm walking out, go across the street, you know, do a little bitch run or whatever. I'm kind of looking at my phone.

Look at my phone. Open up the door. Wait, what are you wearing? I got to put this all together. Just like black gym shorts and I think like a long sleeve Steeler shirt. And probably like this. Probably get a Cubs hat. And yeah, something like that.

And so I go, so I'm texting and I like just open up the door, sit down. You know, put my phone on my lab because you got to have it right there for every stoplight and stop sign. Right. And so I'm sitting there and I'm all the car. right they're they're the push to start and so I'm like trying like this is weird of my I have the keys so that's not the issue and I'm like pressing again trying to start up the car I look at the dashboard and it says like wrong key console and I'm like well I'm not putting the key in anything what does it mean and then I start to look around my surroundings a little bit more and I realized I'd gotten into the wrong car. It was just unlocked? It was unlocked, dude.

It was someone else's car? Wait. So you were in like a lot of cars, like the rental cars or anything? You're just like, where were you parked? No, so I, yeah, it was, I parked across the street. Like, so it was a street parking. So the credential place is right here. They have the angled parking.

So you park on this side right there. That was all full. So I just pulled into a spot on the other side of the street. And then we walked over to, the credential pickup. Oh, that is. Come in on looking, and I'm looking,

there's like a white claw can in the thing. Everything's kind of dirty as compared to like a rental car. What the? Oh my God. Oh my God. I like,

look behind me because I'm like, is there somebody just fucking sitting in the back seat? There's not. What did you have done? Hey, what's up, bro? I didn't mean to.

I honestly just been like, I'm sorry. I mean, like, I'm not going to do anything. I'm not going to take you. If there would have been a dog in there? Yeah. Just fucking losing.

It's mine. Like a classic. movie scene like they wait and you know yeah right when you turn around right I'm like there's a dog right behind me isn't there it's like no you just look in the rear view mirror

and you see it ties and then like it cuts out from the car and the car just rocking back and forth next scene all you close are all I walk back into shred it up walk back into yeah we're riding is and everything's shredded. I'm all dirty and shit.

I'm all cut up. Yeah, my jeans, my clothes are all ripped up. I was like, what happened? You do not want to know. Cut to the next thing.

But yeah, just got in the wrong car. I'm like, they just unlock. I mean, what? I've never made it into the wrong car, but I've been fucking close,

dude. Like in a, like a grocery store, like parking lot, you go up to a car that's the exact same making mile as yours. And you pull on the handle.

Yep. what are the chances I'm like this is just my car I've been an idiot I'm like what the fuck I'm like getting mad at myself and I look up and I realize not even the same make and model it's just like a black

similarly shaped car not even your car looking down I was texting or something god we're idiots I always think they saw me though I always think they just parked their car there and they're like from a distance with binoculars

they're going like they saw me you're unlike to catch a predator or some shit you'll see as the perpetrator trader doesn't realize it's not his vehicle. In the wrong car. Think of it would have just worked and you just drove that bitch all the way home.

Oh, I stole your car. Hey, happens all the time. Hey, you left it unlocked. People leaving their shit unlocked. What are you doing? It's the only thing that's on my mind. Right now? I don't know. I hope I locked my apartment. You ever locked your car so many times that you come back and the windows are down? You're like,

what the fuck? Who got my car? Wait. And it's just like a weird feature that if you like hit the lock button too many times, the fucking windows roll down. If you hit the lock button 17 times on your way into the grocery store, the windows will slide down. Dude, that's happened to my dumbass multiple times. Like, that happens? My old day job, there's multiple times where I would come out, you know, at the end of the day or whatever, to my car in the parking garage, and all my windows are just and I'd be like, you know, I start looking around. I'd be like, who, what, who's doing this?

Every day. Like, who's, right, who's getting in? What the fuck is happening? Funnyest prank ever. And then like one time I was just fucking around with Rye and it was like And then they started to go down I was like That's it Dude one time I parked in an alley I parked in this alley right here Went to start my car

Hit the start twice on the keys Accidentally opened the trunk for like 17 hours Just left it at the trunk open Yeah Yeah That happened My car is just like oh all right Yeah

It happened on Christmas Eve my father-in-law parked on the straight in front of our house and he was like he had to get shit out of the back of course because you know it's Christmas Eve and I went like two hours later I went to go pick up some more wine because Christmas Eve and I came back and was parking on the street and I noticed that the trunk was just open and I was like and so I went in and I was like is that did you he's like I left the trunk open then I was like yeah always a random trunk open. I always just see it.

Every parking garage I'm in, trunk open. Like, do they do that on purpose? You just open up. You go all your shit and you just walk away. I've done shit like that, dude. Yeah. It's easy to do.

So my mom and Ryer, I was like, where's your brain? Where's your head? I'm like, I don't, I don't know. Not in, yeah, trunks? Whatever. What do you keep it in the trunk anyway?

I've ice scraper for your windshield. Pretty much. One time somebody broke into my car. and they didn't take one thing and all of my merch was in there I was like dude you couldn't even like cop a hoodie like my merch is that ass

that you didn't steal a hat like dude you've never felt pain until somebody looks at your merch and they're like actually I don't even want any of this shit I wish that you had like a ring camera inside your car the guy's like who designed this shit? Dude just starts laughing.

He like FaceTime's his friends. This is a fucking shit. Look at this shit. I'm not taking this shit. Just a broken window. I was like, wow. Maybe somebody was just pissed.

Like maybe there's a fight by your car. Maybe there's like a rough street fight by your car and somebody like, you know, somebody slammed this dude's head through your window and then they just like, you know, the fight went elsewhere. It's kind of weird to break a window and have nothing gone. It's happened multiple times.

Dude, somebody broke into my sister's car at our house one time and just, like, rearranged all the stuff in it. Didn't take shit. She had a bunch of magazines in the trunk. That's like stacked them up. That's creepy. Put all the change, like, organize the change. That's some serial killer shit. Dude, and this is crazy.

It was like near Valentine's Day and there's like Valentine's like little things you can stick on the window in a car. They were all on the inside of her car. That's really scary. Dude, I was like, can we move? Oh yeah. Did you guys at least like file a police report? Of course not. You shitting me? What do the police don't do shit ever. That's true. Yeah. My house got robbed. They're like, okay, but what's your address and you're right? And then halfway through the call, I'm like, just shut up. Never mind. Jesus Christ. You're not going to, what are you going to do find the guy?

No. We're just going to write it down and then probably throw it away and eat some donuts. Okay. Dude, every guy, why'd I go? My friend, uh, on my friends, he had this little cousin that was like a really chubble. chubby, chubby kid. Like, you know, like a little kid. Like, you know, when a seven-year-old is just, like, huge. So fat. Yeah.

They look like they have rubber bands on the wrist. Yeah, you know, it's like, they're always like funny, you know, but you feel bad for him. But this kid, like, always said that he, his dream job was just to be a cop. And we'd be like, why? And he'd be like, because they eat donuts all day. Dang, cops get perks too. I have thought about that.

You ever just see a cop that's just on his laptop in his car for like seven hours, heat blasting. Chewing? Chewing. viewing. Got a gross. Got like some like a badass like

Snapple. Like he's just set up. His car's just been running for hours right there. Idling. I'm like what a, what a life? You're sitting here?

One time I went and picked up my sister-in-law. She works on an ice cream shop around town. And I went and picked her up when her shift was off because my in-laws and Rye were having drinks.

I was like, I'll drive. I'll get or whatever. And so I went and it was like 10 o'clock. And I pull up and there's like four cop cars in the parking lot. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Of the ice cream place?

Yeah, I'm like, I don't want to say. Why? I don't know. Just. And so I'm like, what the hell is going on? Like, did somebody break in? I pull up. And like these cops are just kicking it in the ice cream place.

Like their high school. How much fun. Inside? Yeah, just absolutely chopping it up. Just ordering Butterfinger cement mixers and shit. Dude, just chilling at the, like the standing tables with like a cone. They're all just laughing up in uniform.

I'm like, yeah, slow night, huh? How, fellas? The things I do to be a cop. Just eat ice cream all day. It's a pretty high, high, high stress gig there. High stress gig when you go to McDonald's and it's 75% off every time. Dude, cops can damn near get everything for free. I'm like, Jesus Christ, bro.

Were you more of a cop kid or a firefighter kid? I feel like there's two. Probably firefighter, I think. Yeah. I just skipped all that. I was like, I want to be Batman. Is that, was that your thing? Yeah, a big Batman kid.

Yeah. Hey, when? Would, like, carry a Batman doll around with me everywhere. You really wanted to be Batman like that? That's dope. Yeah. But I think I was more Spider-Man. But I really, I think I just wanted to play in the NFL.

That's like, that was my thing, dude. When did you ever, when did your dream, like, die, you know? What was the moment where you were like, ah, fuck, I'm not going to be able to play. Probably like 13. Did anything happen or were you just like? I just remember like, well, football, I was always like, yeah, nah. NBA, obviously not.

But at least in baseball I held out for a little bit. I was like, it was pretty good baseball player. You never know with baseball. Baseball is like, there's like 40 rounds of the draft, you know? And so weird. Yeah, I could least maybe do like single a ball. I don't fucking know. But I just remember, like, going and playing those tournaments down in, like, Georgia and South Carolina and shit.

And, like, these boys are just a different breed. Really? Yeah, just, like, genetically different. And, like, they were already just so much better. And I was like, I don't have the desire or the work ethic to, like, want to take 1,500 swings every day and, like, do all this shit. You know what I mean? To, like, maybe make it. So.

Baseball is, if you're going to go pro. is it baseball like if you want your if like you say you're you're looking at frankie and you're like I want you to be a professional athlete what sport are you going to put them in see everybody always says golf

really yeah because it's like uh yeah because it's like you're not taking hits it's not you know it's not like a besides like being in shape and like being able to play 18 rounds every day you know what I mean like

it's not a physically demanding sport in terms of like you're not getting your head fucking knocked in you're not it's all like technique you're not like a race car driver so you're not going like 200 miles an hour like it's kind of a low risk and you can play forever true but baseball you mean you see those baseball dudes are like all fat and shit playing and not anymore really yeah that used to be kind of the thing and then everybody was like why am I why are we all spending 50 games on the dL oh because we don't fucking take care of our body Yeah

We should probably do something about that All of our chubsters, dude Chubsters All of them are chubby bunnies out there on the mound Shubby bunny I used to see that and be like, what? What, fat baseball players? Fat baseball

That ended me. Yeah, they're not, it's a, it's a rare breed now Yeah Well, you see a jacked baseball player And you're like, yeah, duh That's what you should be, right? I don't know You can be pretty, I mean, that's the thing about baseball is you can be, you know, like a 5-7 guy can make it in baseball.

Whereas like 5-7, obviously basketball, not. Football, you're like, it's tough. You better be like the fastest guy. Right, exactly. Exactly. Tennis? If I could do it all over again, tennis. God, I'd play tennis.

You'd be a good. You'd look like a tennis player. Oh, please. Honestly, just for the gear. That's the only reason I want to do anything. Kidding me? I wasn't talking about tennis because the clay court, man. Give me some white wristbands on both arms with a white hat forward. No, white head. You'd be whitehead. You'd be Raphael Nadal.

I think I'd be both. The headband and the hat. Like when shit gets serious in the match. Go backwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, all right, let's fucking, I'm down two sets. That's some Andre Agassie shit. The racket. They're always wearing like, they wear the coolest shit. Tennis players. Golfers get decked out too, though. They do? Yeah. Golfers have a lot of cool shit.

It's always like neon. And what's hilarious is that like, oh, that was a pretty dope. Andre Agassie's shoes? Andre Agassiz's the most badass. You had those in middle school? Wow, those are. I want a pair. Those on Stock X.

Just get on Stock X and look at all our shit. No, I don't worry about him. No, I don't want to buy them. That's me. They know people pick up like movies on Netflix and they can't decide and they keep look at it. That's me on Stock X. I'm like, ah, no.

Yeah, I could. No. No, I don't, yeah, that's not, let me treat myself too much. Like, I did just get a pair of like two months ago. Let me close another deal. Yeah. Oh, man. God damn, Agassi. Those are real nice.

But yeah, it's funny because I just started playing golf like last fall. But for the past three or four years, like, there's so many golf apparel companies. And they all want to send merch to people. And he started playing golf. golf. Dude, just for the merch. Like all this

Roeback shit, waggle. Super golf. All this scent to me and I love it. I wear it all the time, but it's all just like golf. Yeah.

You can't wear it. I mean, yeah, I mean, you can wear it like this. What's what I'm saying is like golf is formed, golf is transformed from like, you know,

wearing those stupid knicker-bocker short things with that dumb ass newsy boy hat and a sweater vest to now being like, now Nicole is just short. shopping. That's hard. But now it's just like, you know, joggers that you could kind of confuse for like tight dress

pants. Yeah. And then, right. And then, you know, like a hoodie, like one of these light hoodies, not a top golf apparel. You could walk in the top golf and clean up wearing that. Bro, I actually golf in this. I should probably learn how to golf, huh? Never will.

I can't think of anything less likely to happen than you playing golf. Yeah, I always say that stuff in my head. I'm like, I should probably never will. Me playing golf is just a disaster, dude. I would hit it like on the road and shit. I'm not really that concerned about it because, like, no one's good at golf. The guy you know who's the best at golf in your friend group is not even like close to like average for somebody who's actually really good. You know what I mean?

Yeah. So what I'm saying is that it's not really about that. What I'm saying is everybody sucks. Yeah. And like, I'm not, I don't, I can't see you spending three and a half hours on a golf course. No. Yeah. Ooh, you'd have to pay me.

You would be freaking out. Yeah, that's all. Give me the golf cart, though. Let me chill at the clubhouse with like the moms. Oh, day made. You could have fun with the golf cart. We did it one time. Because you're driving around.

You're in charge of that. You're in charge of the music probably. You know, you're. being a little bit of the caddy, not too much pressure, just kind of chilling. It can be on your phone. Give me that all day. Give me a nice tan. You can talk me in anything if you're like, you'll get a tan out there.

You could say anything, bro. All right. Let's clean the highway trash. I'd be like, ew, you get a tan out there. Let's take a shirt off. When we start. Yeah, anything would take you. Ooh, that's tough.

Take your shirt off. I look too dushy to just have a shirt off. Yeah. It's got to be a select times. but the moment my dream died for athletic ability was when

we were freshman basketball we were playing manual I was like oh we're gonna smoke them like whatever but there was this kid on their team that like couldn't

he was really good he's a freshman he but he couldn't play varsity for some reason and he played with a freshman team for that game only and he completely cleared me and with the left hand dude

and like I couldn't even react that quick. His Twitch was so like crazy fast. Like I blinked and he was above me. And I was like, there's no way. I was like, I thought I could jump high. I thought that was my thing. I was like I can jump. Like it when like when it's down to bare minimum, at least I can jump.

No, not anymore, chief. Wow. A chief moment. Oh, dude, he chiefs me in the air. Not any more chief. Not anymore, chief. Your days are done. Yeah.

Let's start thinking about putting on that. headset. Yeah, let's start thinking about, uh, let's start thinking about coaching. And that's so funny. Yeah, it's like every, every kid's story, you know, every white kid's story, basically. They're just like, so what, uh, why'd you, why'd you want to get into what you're getting into? Well, I wanted to be the shortstop for the Cubs and, uh, what's that dream died? I figured, why don't I do this? It's always like the worst players, too, that end up being coaches. You ever notice that? I'm like, wait, him? And, like, see the game better. He couldn't even catch and he's a receiver.

coach. Like see the game better because like they weren't playing really. So they were just out of it. You know? So they saw it all back then. So now they can see it. You were injured for four years. Yeah. I was in the press box. Just like taking notes. I really got a good grasp of the game. Yeah. And then when you think about just like the sheer numbers of it all, you know, like when you think about how like the best fucking kid on your high school team for majority of us. is like maybe going to University of Indianapolis. That sucks. You're like, wow. I mean, you're like, damn, that's it?

You have to be that good. We're not even sniffing like Illinois State. You're like, you're like, Clemens is a fucking beast. Dog. Like he's a monster. And that's all he can do? That's it, dude.

That's a part of it too when that was happening for me. Honestly, kind of you were like one of them because you're three years older than me. And Ben was like a fucking really good football player. And like you indie married. I want my dad to listen to this part. And so like I was, you know, when I was in middle school and high school, like starting out of high school, I was like, oh yeah, Ben's got to be like I you at least, right? Or like something.

And then even then it's like I you. Like bro, the worst plan on like Big Ten Network or something. That'd be lit. Punt return. And then like, you know, again, you, you, you, you, it's, you in D. Yeah, I was like, yo. Bro, I didn't even. Paul Casaro, too?

Oh, yeah. He was like the best player in the state in football and basketball. He might go to like Florida or something. Youngstown State. I was like, jopes over. I was like, ew. I'm not going to be as good as that dude. So I'm definitely not going.

I know, man. It just seems so easy for other people, too. Right? Like a kid from cathedral just went to Florida. Just like, yeah, I guess. I guess I'll sign with them. I'm like, Jesus Christ, bro. That's my lifelong dream.

What's going on here, dog? Mishawaka. You're typing in Mishawaka? Marquis Steppe. Oh, he's Indiana Legend. Oh, dude, he's at Western Kentucky now. Is he a coach? Wow.

Dude was different. Dude was V different. But even him. Yeah. You know about the step? You know about V. the step. I remember your dad was like, he's a pro. Just hand it like, because you're trying to coach him, right? And you were like, what do I say to this kid? He's like, I was like, what do I say to? He's a pro playing with high schoolers. Way better. Just getting the ball, dude. I'm like, look, you know, it's just that's what's like, that's what's scary. That's like for dudes, I think that's like how, like, where does space end? Like, you can't wrap your head around just like how good you have to fucking be. It is amazing. but they always pissed me off too because like you see you know fucking west welker who you know

he has like almost a damn near hall of fame career and they tell his story and he's like he was a one-star recruit walked on nobody even blah blah blah and I'm like so he just like kept going and then like it eventually just like clicked that's another way to go about it too you either have to be a freak or you just have to be so like stubborn for the love of the game that you just keep grinding it out and I was a little bitch and didn't have that. Oh, we're both bitches. We're both the biggest bitches. Yeah, dude, I've never been more jealous of people getting offers in high school. I was like, oh my God, that is so lit. Like somebody getting an offer from anywhere. I was like, that is the cool shit. My biggest dream ever until I was like 16 when I realized I just sucked

was like having one of those graphics. Joey Mulder. Well, that didn't even exist back then. For us, it was just the fucking, like, national signing day where you'd like pick a hat and put it on. You know, I was like, that's what I want to do. An Alabama hat. Right. Like, that would be the sickest shit.

That's what I want to do. And then I was like, that's not going to happen. Dude, I signed my letter of intent at my kitchen table with a Roncalli track hoodie on. My dad took a picture. I was like, ew. I'm not proud of this.

You're making me do this, Dad. Yeah. Dude, I had one other... Dude, play the Politsi Ron Cowley highlight tape. That shit goes so hard. No, it doesn't, bro. Let's go. This song, stop.

Oh, dude, stop doing this. No, this is off, bro. Turn this is so much. No lie. You know to... I'm so slow, bro. I thought I was fast. Yeah, I got roasted for that.

The steps. See, you had an instrumental version, though. Bro, you had a, you're like an Eric Dickerson type. You know, because you're like 6-1, 6-2, so it's like... I shouldn't have played running back, dude. My whole life, I was like, I just should have, like, played quarterback. I would have been a Brett Farr. That's the thing.

That's what I always tell Rye. I'm like, put the ball in the boy's hands. She's like, look at that outside speed, dude. You're leaving them. Turn this off, dog. I'm getting red. You're leaving them. You can play one of my videos and I'll watch it.

You play my high school highlight tape. Here's the rebels. And off off center left of Pelletcy. He's off the sideline. Ships scares Reggie Bush. What in the Sassina's going on? Turn this off where I throw off. All right, all right.

Cut it off. Oh, my God. Quick speed and agility. Yeah, but you're running style. your running style, you know? Thanks, man. Because you had like the long stride, not the long, it was kind of like a long stride because you were big, but you were kind of like gliding, you know?

Thanks, man. Eric Dickerson, uh, OJ Simpson. I had a run on there that was, it was probably, I can't believe it wasn't the first play on there, but it was long. And I kind of knew, like, I wasn't going to be able to play running back at that point because halfway through the run, I lost my hearing. You ever do something like so, like taxing that you, like, your hearing goes out.

Oh, yeah. That was me. I was at the 50. I was like, well, can't hear anymore. Just running down the field, death. See, but the fact that you have that highlight tape that you can, like, show Little Ben eventually one day is cool. I don't even have that.

I'm going to delete it right after this. I don't even have that. Frank can be like, did you play? I'm going to be like, uh, kind of, I don't know. Edit it and put Joey Walner on highlight tape on it. It's just my shit. Yeah, yeah. Wow, Dad.

You are so good. Yeah. That's right. son. Why does that one guy look like that when his shirt off doing the ladder? It's me. To Ellis Island. Lots changed.

Yeah, I don't even have that. Is that monetized? Probably. No, I can't. Because we fly high who's in the background. Even instrumental fake version? Oh, yeah. Instrumental real trap shit. Real trap shit.

At the beginning of every song growing up. Yeah. Real trap shit. Yeah. Did you, uh, that's wild,

dude. So even for football, like you weren't like, even in college, you were, you know, you're shifty, pretty big body receiver,

you weren't like, I could probably like, better be, but, um, I was like, I was, I thought I was good

for like two years. And then I, then I felt, honestly, I felt too old to be playing. I was like I should have stopped playing like two years ago. I feel like.

So yeah, you were kind of just like, you were kind of done with that. You were just kind of footballed out. Yeah. Oh, been footballed out. You reached that limit. You're like, I just don't want to do this anymore. Yeah, kind of. But I was like, you still got to do it though.

You know? I got a status to uphold. Scholarship shit. Oh. I got to like, you got to complete these years. But my fifth year, I was like, you know, this is so like, I shouldn't. I should be in the crowd. I should be like clapping my hands to you guys.

I shouldn't be on the field. That's how I felt. I was like, I feel too old. Should be shotgunning beers before this game. Right. Coming into the stadium. Yeah.

Everybody has those moments. I had a guy reach out to me from last week's show and was like, yeah. The Hback you were describing, that was my bio. I was like, I love it. Like a bio. He was just like that was,

you know, everything we were talking. about like he was a wazowski yeah or whatever he was the he was the non-swagged out was nooski h-back niccolo did you play football yeah it's the play man they wanted to make you quit so hard freshman year i wonder if that's every school they we they tried to weed jow 700 football players on the freshman team i'm like they're like how are we going to get rid of them oh just make the head coach the biggest stick ever and all the Assistance. Yeah. Make them even worse. Make them even worse. Just have them run like six miles every day.

Every day. I was like, dude, just major credit to the people on the freshman team who would be first in the lap. I was like, how are you guys doing this? Major credit to the people on the freshman team that like were not athletic at all were no good and just like stuck it out for four years. That's insane. Like they were having a senior night. For what? You're like, damn, man. Like, you're crazy. Senior night? That was the worst night of my life, bro.

Dude, I was like, my parents have to be here? Ew. My mom has to wear the jersey. I was like, mom, do not wear that shit. That is so lame. I was like, dad, do not come. Holy shit, that'd be so awkward. Did your mom even come?

I don't know. Hopefully not. I think she did, actually. She did some swaggy shit, I think. And I think she, like, tied my jersey or in her waist. She was like, I don't know, bro. This is the best I can do. I'm like, just get out of your mom.

I wanted to do it with no parents. So, like, did his parents die? Like, nah, they just had shit to do. Oh, my dream. My dream on senior night. They were busy, Loki. You're freak, man. you were absolute freak

all the other all the other parents I was like oh god this is why I this is why I second guess everything in my life why because to me senior night is like a big moment

oh yeah come on but then now I'm like Frank's gonna be a senior night 18 years around I'm gonna be like man Ben somewhere fucking making fun of me right now no that's a good thing dude

it's a good thing sorry Frank can't come my gotta edit a video uncle Ben Uncle Ben's hijacked my brain Uncle Ben's got some harsh views

on senior night He corrupted me I'll watch the live stream son I'll be with you in spirit Frank he's just on the field Solo Dolo Riley would absolutely Rip the heart out of my chest

And kill me Fucking Whatever that movie is Is it Ace Ventura Then he puts it in a bag Oh dumb and dumber So fun Only movie I've seen.

Reach into my chest, punch through it, rip it out. Then shove it down my throat and kill me. If I were to do that. If I even were to say that. Does it? Hey, I'm not going to senior night. Yeah, right. I mean, I would never do that, obviously.

But now in the back of my head, it's going to be kind of like, my mother. Why can't he just be normal? No way. Not Frankie. You. Stay home. Stay home.

Mom and Dad. I play the best like when no one's there. ever happen to you too much pressure no I just I don't know why I've played good when like when parents

and like girlfriends and shit and are there the girlfriend but when they're not there I just always had the best games not that I

like they could have been there and I just wouldn't have known but I always showed out for the lady really when I was like a kid and they would do that shit you know you go to their kickball game

and then they would like come to your I don't know I just remember I was 10 and this girl and her friend came to my game. Her mom brought them because her friend liked another dude on my travel baseball team and whatnot. And we were playing. And I hit a bomb over the left field wall. It hit a windshield and broke the windshield. Oh, that's hardest.

I was like... Dude, he definitely made out after that game. We didn't. Like by a tree, but by a weird tree? We didn't because we didn't. because we didn't talk really, but in my head, I was like, next Friday at the movies. Remember the time I fucking broke that van's window?

Off a home run, dude? I would have quit after that. I've been like... I should have. I like, I've never... They say sometimes you could collide around the bases after something. I was literally flying like an angel. You broke a window?

That's got to be the best sports accomplishment. Hit a home run broke the car's window. And it wasn't like the pitcher of the other team? team or some shit. Oh, no. It was his grandparents. Fuck off, Grandma. Dude, yeah, it was the pitcher's grandparents. And guess what? It was the

first home run he had ever given up. Oh, suck it. Yeah, dude. That's the best sports accomplishment of my life. Or actually breaking a backboard in basketball. Oh, that would be. That's... That shit is crazy. Hey, I ended the game. That would be undeniable.

Off a dunk and almost killed the whole other team. Yeah. Almost killed myself All of it Almost ended everyone The entire gym It's amazing when somebody breaks the backboard dude

Can you do that like That's in baseball that's the thing Football that's a basketball that's the thing Is there something like that in football Just like a beast mode run Where you like break seven? Yeah that was the most like That was the most what thing ever

In football was Or just like an OBJ one handed touchdown catch That yeah That like the whole crowd was like Those are probably got to be it Those two things Like full extension Like bring it down

I had to When after he did that I had to go outside I actually remember what you tweeted to I remember Everybody remembers where they were When he did that I remember what I tweeted to

Because a girlfriend That I was dating at the time What? She got pissed because I tweeted Before I texted her back I hate every girl dude I hate girls Shut up

Yeah. Enjoy this, dude. Yeah. That's what I said. I was like literally history was just made. That was crazy. Where were you? Yeah.

8643 Gound Fox Drive. Everybody remembers where they were, bro. I don't know. I don't remember where I was for Beast mode, though. Beast Quake. Remember where I was. I think I was in my living room. But yeah.

Yeah, I just got back from Ron Kelly basketball game. And then the Steelers had a buy week that week because they were the number two seats. So I was just chilling watching ball. Didn't have a worry in the world. that was a wildcard weekend so they didn't play until the I'm trying to think I'm trying to think of there's another play

that just like stops you near tracks I had to go outside and like breathe I was like that was the craziest catch I've ever seen my life and it was a fucking touchdown yeah oh my God get out of here best play ever best play ever

it is really uh it is except that uh George Pickens no except for what that James Harrison returned before the half in the Super Bowl. That shit blew my mind.

That's another one. That's another like go outside. At the buzzer, bro. Like get some air. I could not believe that. That happened in the Super Bowl with zero time of the clock. And it took it all the way. It stands too, right?

Like he scored. For a minute, I was like, there's no way that actually happened. I remember John Madden being like, oh, just give it to him. Because they were like reviewing it. And he's like, he makes it all that way. I'd just give it to him. Yeah.

Best night of my life. Can we keep talking about this for like 40 more seconds? Is there another one? David Tyrese catch. Like the Patriots Giants, Super Bowl. Yeah. That was like, what? You didn't do it for you?

Why not? This wasn't clean enough. Wait, you didn't like how he stuck it to his helmet? No, I did like that, but it wasn't. like, I don't know. I don't know why. Maybe I was too into the game to, I was just like, okay, okay, it was like, you know what I mean? I wanted to like score and shit

so I wasn't like. But after that catch, I was like, oh, the, this won't register for you probably, but I remember being like, whoa, that dude from the Bengals. Did the flip. Did the flip and landed it.

That was very wild. That was like, how did that happen? He like got, he stuck it? He just like jumped really high without a plan because the dude, the defender was already kind of like up. And the defender like was already up. And then he kind of like rose up with him. And I think that like held him with the flip.

And then he was like midair just like coming down. It was like, oh, fuck, I'll just land this, I guess. I didn't see that live. Salt on Red Zone because it was Christmas Eve. That was on Christmas Eve. Bengals games are never like You can never watch them Yeah

They're always playing on some weird fucking It's like 1 o'clock And there's no way that game's on your cable Yeah So it was on Red Zone Christmas Eve Christmas Eve Christmas Eve football games

Those are wild When the full slate is on Christmas Eve Like it was this past year It felt too bright to be Christmas Fuck Like that's so wild It's a dream Like everybody's doing this all at the same time

And tomorrow's Christmas That's nuts Dream dream world we know what else is a dream going to see ben in Albany I got a better one it's going to see Joey

on May 25th thanks you gotta be fun both will be fun Bin's is coming up sooner so listen to this today tomorrow all the New York folks see you there

go out there remember tickets for all of our shows are in the description of the YouTube video subscribe on YouTube please Would you, would you, would you? Watch us every week. Love you very much. Stitcher.

Apple. On Stitcher, you can find us by typing in Brett Favre podcast and we will be the first result. TG28. These guys. Bye bye-bye.