Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques - 119. Rethinks: How to Embrace the Benefits of Stress

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

“Stress is natural,” says Alia Crum, an assistant professor of psychology at Stanford. “Stress is inevitable when you’re living a life that’s connected with things you care about. And learning how to embrace it, learning how to work with it is really what helps us thrive and grow and perform at our highest level.”In this episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, lecturer and podcast host Matt Abrahams talks with Crum about her work as the principal investigator at the Stanford Mind & Body Lab, where she is studying how people can benefit from stress. “There’s a whole side of stress that shows that it can have enhancing qualities on our cognitive functioning, our physical health, and on how we behave and interact with others,” she says.Connect:Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart PremiumEmail Questions & Feedback >>> [e-mail] Transcripts >>> Think Fast Talk Smart WebsiteNewsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>> FasterSmarter.ioThink Fast Talk Smart >>> LinkedIn,  Instagram, YouTubeMatt Abrahams >>> LinkedIn ********Thank you to our sponsors.  These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost.Strawberry.me. Get 50% off your first coaching session today at Strawberry.me/smartJoin our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community and become the communicator you want to be. 

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Visit strawberry.combe slash smart to get matched up with your coach today. That's strawberry. dot me slash smart and get 50% off your first coaching session. It's the most affordable time ever to see if coaching is right for you. Hi, Matt here. Our mindset has a big influence on how we experience our world. A while back, I spoke with Alia Kram about the impact of mindset on our communication and confidence. Among many other topics, I found our discussion about reframing anxiety really interesting. And many listeners have told me that this was super impactful for them. So I invite you to listen in to this Think Fast, Talk Smart, Best of episode with Aaliyah Kram on Mindset. Mind Control was my favorite class in college. In it, we learned the tactics and theories

others use to persuade us. Later, I learned that while other people can be influential and changing our perceptions, attitudes, and behaviors, some of the most effective influence actually originates from within ourselves. Hello, I'm Matt Abrahams, and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. Today I am super excited to speak with Alia Crum. Alia is an assistant professor in the Stanford Psychology Department, where she is the principal investigator of the Stanford Mind and Body.

Body Lab. Alia's research explores how changes in subjective mindsets can alter objective reality through behavioral, psychological, and physiological means. Not only is Alia a great teacher, she is a much sought after speaker as well. Welcome, Alia. Thanks for being here. Thanks, Matt. It's great to be here. Great. Let's go ahead and get started. To begin, what are mindsets and how do they influence our actions in ways of being? we define mindsets as core assumptions that we have about domains or categories of things that orient us to a particular set of expectations, explanations, and goals. So to put that a little bit more simply, mindsets are ways of viewing reality that shape what we expect, what we understand,

and what we want to do. Aha. That sounds pretty all-encompassing. You know, when it comes to communication, stress and anxiety loom really large, be it delivering a presentation, giving constructive feedback, or answering questions. What insight does your work on stress

provide to those of us suffering from communication, anxiety, and stress around speaking? Yeah, so a lot of people, People have been studying stress and anxiety for over a century now from academic standpoint. Of course, we've always experienced stress and anxiety to some degree. And by and large, what they've focused on is, you know, when it comes to the psychology of stress is what people call appraisal.

So how do you appraise or think about the stressor and your ability to handle it? So do you view a conflict or a challenging situation or an important prison? or an important meeting as a threat, something that you don't have the resources to overcome or a challenge, something that's difficult, but you do have the resources to overcome. Those sort of appraisals have shown to be really important in shaping how we show up and how we perform in stressful situation. our work on mindset goes a little bit deeper into the mind, into understanding not just sort of how we appraise a particular situation, but what are our core assumptions about the nature

of stress itself, the nature of a challenging situation or, you know, a demand in our life? That's what we've been focused on. And what we've found is that if you kind of go back into those core assumptions, what you realize is that most people have the mindset that stressful situations are inherently debilitating. They're going to ultimately make us sick, make us struggle, make us crumble under pressure. And when you look at the truth about stress, which is like most things, very complicated, you realize that that is a simplified assumption. It's not necessarily wrong, but it's only one way of viewing stress. And you start to realize that the true nature of stress is more complex.

And in fact, there's a whole other side of stress that reveals to us that the body's stress response, a mind's stress response, was not designed to be debilitating, but instead designed to be, to help us elevate our performance and behavior to meet the demands we're facing. there's a whole side of stress that shows that it can have enhancing qualities on our cognitive functioning, our physical health, and on how we behave and interact with others. And so our work is not necessarily to find out the truce of stress, what is or what isn't, but to look at how our mindsets, the core assumptions we make about it, shape how we respond in stressful situations. And what we've shown is that if we can get people to open their minds to this notion that stress can be enhancing, that stress can help you rise to a newer level of understanding, can deepen your connection with others, can make us even physiologically grow tougher and stronger. Having that focus

shifts our attention and behaviors in ways that make that mindset more true. Wow. So simply by seeing what's behind our stress beliefs and refocusing that. We can actually be empowered by our stress rather than being negatively affected by it. Is that what I heard you say? Exactly. And what's interesting about that is, you know, you wonder, you might ask, you know, well, where does this mindset that stress is debilitating come from? You know, not surprisingly, it comes from public health messaging and communicating.

warning us about the negative effects of stress. And that's not, you know, malicious. That wasn't meant to be malicious. It was meant to be helpful. That messaging was meant to warn us so that we could avoid or, you know, counteract these potentially negative effects of stress. The irony is though that messaging actually might shape mindsets, which actually makes those debilitating effects more likely.

So, you know, that's sort of, you know, when I started working on this, we realized, how, you know, maybe we're going about this all wrong. You know, how do we help people thrive and function under stress? It's not to tell them that it's bad for them and they should avoid it or, you know, rise above it or cope with it. It's to help them realize that stress is natural. Stress is inevitable when you're living a life that's connected with, you know, things you care about. And learning how to embrace it, learning how to work with it is really what helps us thrive and grow and perform at our highest level. So let me put you on the spot. Let's say I am somebody who has a big upcoming presentation or a meeting contribution. I'm getting nervous. What could I do in terms of my mindset to help me feel a little less nervous and perhaps even more excited about the opportunity. The steps to change your mindsets are, you know, at least as we teach

as follows. The first is to acknowledge that you're stressed, right? So you have an upcoming meeting or a presentation that you're given. It's important. Just acknowledge that you're stressed. I'm stressed about this, right? And also become a, sorry, go ahead. I was going to say, And it's normal to be stressed about it. Most people would be. Exactly. Notice that it's normal. So acknowledging means, yeah, acknowledging without judgment, right?

Knowing, just noticing what you're feeling, right? How do you respond to stress? Is it, you know, hyperactive and, you know, your sweaty palms or is it, you know, for me sometimes it's like I have a big presentation or talk and I just get all of a sudden I'm exhausted. I perspire and blush. That's my big thing. I start dripping with sweat. Yeah. So noticing the physiological reactions,

noticing your emotional reactions, noticing your behavioral responses without judgment. That's the first step. The second step is to welcome your stress. So why the heck would we welcome her stress? Well, it goes back to what I just talked about. We only stress about things that we care of. about. And so inherently underneath the stress is a true value, a true care, a true purpose.

And we wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for something that mattered or we wouldn't be stressed about it if it wasn't for something that mattered. So that step involves basically just asking yourself or completing the sentence, right? I'm stressed about X, this upcoming presentation because I care about why. And what is the why? Right. So it's the goal that you're trying to achieve or the change you're trying to affect. That's the why. Exactly. I care about it because I, you know, really feel like I have something important to say that could improve the lives of the people I'm communicating to or could change the way we're doing things at this company or could, you know, alter fundamentally, you know, the relationship that I have with this loved one, right?

These are the whys, right? And, you know, you got to go deeper in asking the why. We call it sort of the downward arrows of wise. You know, sometimes people are like, well, I'm stressed about this presentation because, like, I don't want to screw it up. Right. Like, well, why don't you want to screw it up? Well, I don't want to screw it up because I don't want to get fired. It's like, well, why don't you want to get fired? I was like, well, why don't you want to get fired? I don't want to be fired because I feel like I have a contribution to make here

because there's something in here that I feel that I really have to offer. You go until it becomes a, it resonates at that positive level for you. That's the second step. So first acknowledge you're stressed. Second, welcome your stress as being linked with something you care about, reconnect with what you care about. And the third is to use or use, utilize your stress in ways that help address the purpose, address that why, rather than spending

all your time, money, effort, energy, trying to avoid or get rid of the stress, right? So you start to realize, oh, you could go back to those behavioral or emotional responses you identified in step one. Like, you know, you get flushed or you start getting jittery. You know, I start kind of getting tired. It's like, okay, well, sometimes physiological responses you can't change. But oftentimes the behavioral responses you can, right? Maybe, you know, you start, you know, snapping at your spouse or your kids or something. Or you start, you know, getting anxious and talking really fast. And you realize, okay, well, that's not serving my purpose of the underlying value, which is to really communicate this important thing that I have to share. So the third step is really utilizing

your stress to address the core value or purpose underlying that stress. So those are three steps that we share with people to help them to get into this mindset that stress can be enhancing, that the experience of stress can help us rise to a higher level of communication and performance and existence. That is really powerful and very specific. And thank you. And it avoids the checking out and the freaking out. out and allows you to harness the stress to support the goal that you're trying to achieve.

I think that's fantastic. So let's switch gears a little bit. And in our roles as leaders, teachers, caregivers and mentors, what are some things we can do to help those we work with to develop more adaptive mindsets? Oh, it's such a good question. You know, I'm a mother of a three-year-old. She just turned three. Congratulations.

Thank you. Made it three years. Yes. It's been such a, you know, a joy and also a challenge. It's, you know, raising a human. I have two teenagers. Believe me, I know. Yeah, so certainly we have lots to talk about. And you start to realize, you know, coming from the work that I've done up into this point,

that so much of parenting or leadership, you know, if we equate to that, revolves around trying to get people to do something to change their behavior. You know, oh, you know, SIGI, that's what I mean. You need to eat more vegetables, right? Or you need to go to bed at an earlier time where, you know, you need to stop frying, right? And it's all focused around getting them to change their behavior. And what I've been trying to do, at least in applying my academic and intellectual research to my personal life, is to realize that.

It's ultimately not about the behavior. Maybe it is at the end of the day, but what if we could think about setting and not even changing, but setting mindsets for them that help them adopt adaptive behaviors on their own accord, right? So what is the deeper mindset that exists in her mind or in anyone's mind that is leading them to engage in a behavior that might not be the way? the appropriate one or the useful one. And what would be a more adaptive mindset?

So instead of trying to get my three-year-old to eat broccoli because she should, what can I do to shape her mindset about the nature of healthy food? And then you realize, oh, you know, all these tactics, hey, you need to eat your broccoli before you can have your ice cream, are actually reinforcing the mindset that those are the less. tasty, less appealing things to eat. Right. So what can I do in my communication as a parent or as a leader to help shape adaptive mindset

and focus on that more than the kind of how do we persuade somebody to do something we want to do? You know, going back to the stress thing, this is really important because a lot of parents and a lot of leaders try to sort of shelter people away from stress. And I think we need to rethink that approach. and help open our kids and our, you know, employees' minds to the power of embracing stress, talking about it,

embracing conflict, talking about it and so forth. Now, caveat there, of course, you know, that doesn't mean purposely seeking out more stress. It doesn't laying on, you know, excess chores for your children to do or access. Tasks at work, yeah. But, you know, given that we're inevitably going to experience stress anyways, how can we embrace that? And how can we help shift mindsets about that

first and foremost rather than harping on their behavior? Wow, that really helps me reframe some of the things I did when I was leading the teams I led in the corporate world. I definitely took that approach of my job is to shelter, protect, prioritize. And I see now reflection, given your insights, that it would have been much better for me to engage them in discussions of how to better handle the stress and look at the way we're approaching it rather than just trying to deflect and defend them. So thank you for that. So you yourself, Alia, are a very accomplished speaker. As evidenced by your TED Talk, you have over four million views. People are really gravitating towards what you talk about. Can you share with us how you prepare, practice, and

present so successfully? Yeah, it's interesting. You know, with that TED talk, I just knew I had something to say. You know, I think why it's been successful, if it's been successful, is that it came from a place of true, like, authentic. This is really what I want to say.

And I really believe in them. and I believe in the value that this has for people in their lives. The funny thing about that TED talk is I, you know, I went into it and I was all prepared and I really worked on it hard and I got up on that stage and I was so nervous, right? And it was just like, and for me, you know, my, you know, physiological tendency with anxiety, especially with communication as my voice starts to quiver in shape. So I could notice that that was happening right while I was doing that. And what got me through to the end was just to stay connected to the why that I was out there,

why I was doing this, connecting with the real sort of, at least power in the message that I felt I had to share. And, you know, it's interesting because I think, you know, I was like devastated after I delivered it. Oh my God, I totally screwed it up. I was like anxious. I put this and that. But in the end, you know, it's okay. And if some, you know, anxiety seeps through, that's also authentic in showing that I really cared about it. I really cared about doing a good job. Yeah. As somebody who has done talks like that and has coached many people who have done talks like that, you did a fantastic job. And you're right. You come off as very authentic. You certainly come off as confident. And it sounds like,

Putting your purpose first and knowing that you had something of value to contribute to the audience helped you get through that. And it comes through for sure. So I encourage everybody to take a look at it. It really reinforces many of the points that we've talked about. We'll be right back to finish our conversation. But first, a quick word from one of our sponsors. Their support allows us to bring you this show free of charge. If you've ever felt like you're trying to do everything yourself, especially when the stakes are high, you're not alone. One of the biggest shifts I see in effective leaders growing their organizations comes from focusing on the right things. But that's hard to do when you're stretched thin. You need to be able to delegate some tasks to competent professionals. That's where Upwork can really help. Upwork is a

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That's upwork.org.com. And now back to our conversation. So before we end, I'd like to ask you the same three questions I ask everyone who joins me. Are you up for that? Of course, yeah. All right. So question number one, if you were to capture the best communication advice you ever received as a five to seven word presentation slide title, what would it be? Be yourself, your best self.

I like that. It's very empowering and encouraging. Do you find that a mantra like that helps you? I do. You know, I actually, so my father taught, he was an I keto master. He taught meditation and then he became a public speaker and communicator on conflict and peak performance. And what I do is actually what he teaches, which is a three-step process of getting centered, present, connecting to your highest value and your sort of qualities that you want to exhibit.

And then the third piece is being open to the mystery, which is, you know, yes, you have a purpose. You have a why here. You have a need to present and connect and share something. But also you have so much to learn. And there's so much to be gained from just being open in a situation. So it's, you know, that balance between being present, being powerful and having a sense of confidence and conviction, but also being open to the mystery. That's cool. So many people think of communication in particular is one way they're communicating with the audience. But there's a lot that you can learn and being open is fantastic. But let me move on to question number two.

So question two, who is a communicator that you admire and why? Well, you know, I'd have to say, you know, my dad, I just mentioned that a lot of what I employ in my life to, you know, be a good communicator, be, you know, as high functioning as I can. It comes from my upbringing and learning from him around centering, working with energy and connecting to one's highest purpose. And he, you know, he was a masterful communicator. He's just a great storyteller. But I think what made him most powerful was just how authentic he was and how he really came from a place of wanting to help people, you know, be their best selves. And so I really, you know, have learned a lot from him and admire him.

It sounds to me like energy, presence, authenticity, openness, are all. characteristics of your father and his communication approach. And you can certainly see that in the way you approach your communication. Let me ask you question number three. What are the three essential ingredients that go into a successful communication recipe? Be present, be yourself, but be your bell self, right? Connect to really what matters, really what you care about. what are you actually trying to do here? That's a value, right? That's what I mean by being your best self. And the third piece is be open. We're great communicators only to the extent that we're really able to listen and learn and be flexible in the way we think in our assumptions and

abilities to communicate. I think those three ingredients are key and perhaps there's, They're everything. I would agree. I think those three ingredients sum up nicely, everything people need to do to not just be a good communicator, but just to be a good person as well. Well, Alia, thank you so much. I am completely fascinated by the work you do and the impact that it can have. You're clearly very passionate and articulate about it.

Thank you so much for sharing specific things we can all do to adopt and support positive mindsets. Thank you. Thanks, Matt. It was so fun, and I look forward to talking more about all of this. Excellent. Me too. Thank you for listening to Think Fast, Talk Smart, The Podcast, a production of Stanford Graduate School of Business. To learn more, go to gsb.stamford.org.com. Please download other episodes wherever you find your podcasts.

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