Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques - 173. Rethinks: Surviving the Holidays

Episode Date: December 10, 2024

Master holiday conversations.The holiday season is a time of joy, connection, and, occasionally, communication challenges and as we gather with family, friends, and colleagues, effective communication becomes crucial. To help make this time more enjoyable, this special Think Fast Talk Smart “Rethinks” episode revisits favorite “recipes” from past Stanford guests along with Matt’s advice for tackling three common holiday scenarios: contributing effectively to ongoing conversations, engaging in meaningful small talk, and managing conflict with clarity and empathy. Whether it's making small talk or resolving conflicts, these strategies aim to turn holiday communication hurdles into opportunities for connection and collaboration.Episode Reference Links:Ep.169 Don't Be a ZQ: Make Your Conversations Count Connect:Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart PremiumEmail Questions & Feedback >>> [e-mail] Transcripts >>> Think Fast Talk Smart WebsiteNewsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>> FasterSmarter.ioThink Fast Talk Smart >>> LinkedIn, Instagram, YouTubeMatt Abrahams >>> LinkedInChapters:(00:00) - Introduction (03:45) - Challenge 1: Inserting Your Voice into Conversations (05:00) - Expert Insights on Inserting Ideas (06:46) - Challenge 2: Mastering Small Talk (08:22) - Expert Strategies for Small Talk (10:24) - Challenge 3: Managing Holiday Conflicts (13:25) - Expert Tips for Conflict Resolution (15:02) - Conclusion ********Thank you to our sponsors.  These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost.Strawberry.me. Get 50% off your first coaching session today at Strawberry.me/smartJoin our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning Community and become the communicator you want to be. 

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All of us can benefit from the help of a coach. Visit strawberry.me slash smart to get matched up with your coach today. That's strawberry.combe slash smart and get 50% off your first coaching session. It's the most affordable time ever to see if coaching is right for you. The holidays can bring out the best and worst in our communication and relationships. In this Rethinks Best of episode, we revisit advice from 2021 that still rings true today. Listen in to learn best practices from across many of our episodes on how to manage the stresses of the holidays. Once again, we are approaching the holiday season.

As the year draws to a close, and many of us draw nearer to our family. friends and work colleagues, we often find ourselves cooking up yummy recipes to share and celebrate over. Yet invariably, these interactions lead to challenges and awkward communication situations. So for this episode, we've decided to get into the Communication Kitchen to bring you a show filled of some of our favorite communication recipes to enhance your speaking and help you navigate holiday challenges. I'm Matt Abraham's, and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.

If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know at the end of each episode, I ask all of my guests the same question. Name three ingredients in a successful communication recipe. I have received a wide range of really helpful answers, some funny, some unconventional, and some have changed the way I think about communication. So here's our holiday gift to you.

We've compiled some of the best ingredient lists we've received and present them here as strategies to help you handle three very common communication challenges that you might experience during your holiday seasons. First, how to excel at small talk. Second, how to insert yourself into a conversation. And third, how to handle conflict. Communication challenge one. how do you insert your voice in a conversation that's already going on?

We don't want to seem rude or as if we're interrupting, yet at the same time, we want others to hear our point of view. Here are a few things you can do to help. First, think of leveraging a paraphrase. A paraphrase is where you summarize or distill down a key point that has been discussed, and you simply insert your point after it. So you could say something like, cost, that's something I've been thinking a lot about, or Hawaii, that's a place that I've always

wanted to travel to. Then you follow up with your idea or input. You could also ask a question. As the conversation is going on, simply throw out a question like, I'm curious about. That's another way to politely get your point of view into the conversation. And finally, you can lead or wedge into the conversation using emotion, something like, I'm concerned about or I'm excited by. Those are phrases that give you permission to interrupt and get your point across. Taken together, paraphrasing, asking a question, or sharing an emotion are great ways to get your voice heard and to insert what it is you'd like to say into the conversation.

Here are three recipes from former guests that help give insight into how you can insert your ideas into a conversation. First, we'll hear from Associate Dean at Stanford Graduate School of Business, Brian. Ryan Lowry, followed by GSP lecturer Rob Siegel, and then finally, Stanford neuroscientist Andrew Huberman. What are the first three ingredients that go into a successful communication recipe? The first to jump right out to me. The third one is less clear.

So I would say, know your audience. One, we have to know who you're speaking to. I think you have to have a sense of what your goals are, what is it that you're trying to achieve, what do you want your audience to do. on that thing, the second one. Know what you want your audience to feel might be the third. I would say I'm going to separate the do and feel to get two out of that. I would say, number one, a clear takeaway.

Get your message out concisely. Number two, showing general interest and enthusiasm for your topic. You can't just be on autopilot. And finally, if you can provide insights that are not obvious, If people can walk away thinking, oh, I learned something or that made me think, that will actually keep people wanting to come back for more. Passion, the speaker has to love the topic, an organizational logic. There has to be a structure to the information. It just can't be bullet points.

And clarity, if people walk away understanding more than they did at the beginning, then you want. It gets back to the most important thing to do is to teach your audience, educate them. Next up is Communication Challenge 2, Small Talk. Small talk can be challenging year-round, but during the holiday season, we're often needing to talk to lots of people we often don't spend a lot of time with, or in some cases, even know. What can we do to get a conversation going?

And how do we sustain that conversation? Perhaps one of the best ways to do this is to use a strategy I've mentioned several times before on the podcast, and that is what, so what, now what? What is the information you want to share? Maybe it's your hobby or a recent experience or a current challenge you're facing. The so what is why it's important to you and perhaps to the people you're talking to. And then finally, now what? It's what you're going to do about it, or maybe it's a question you ask other.

about what they think. This not only works well for you to initiate small talk, but you can get others to share their ideas and opinions using this exact same approach. Simply ask these questions. What? Ask what somebody's interested in or what they're enjoying currently. So what?

Ask them why it's important and what they've learned. And then finally ask them now what? Ask for some advice or next steps. For example, if you know someone has started binge watching a new TV show, you could ask, what's the show about? Why do you like it? And how and where can I find it to start watching? The what, so what, now what tool is a very powerful way to initiate small talk or get others to chat with you. Here are some more communication recipes from previous guests that apply to this concept. First, we'll hear from Stanford professor's Jeff Hancock

and Sarah Singer, and then we'll hear from Stanford GSB lecturer Bert Albert. What are the first three ingredients that go into a successful communication recipe from your perspective? Right. So first is structure. The second is story, which is sort of related. And the third is your audience. We are not Highlands in the stream, despite Dolly and Rogers' afraid song. But we communicate together. Everything we do is a collaboration and a joint action. And so you have to think, about our audience as kind of collaborators, the structure of what it is we want to do. I think that's where I spend most of my work in time when I'm doing talks. And then, like I said, before time the story. So the ones for me, I think, are a message, an important message that you find meaningful

that you want to convey. And the second is a connection. So thinking about how does your message relate to the people that you're trying to reach. And the third, as we've been talking about, is a story that moves people to agree or to action. So climate change is a classic example of this. Reform advocates first talked about polar bears losing their ice, and it was less compelling than the kind of message that you're hearing now, which is about, you know, this is critical for the survival of your children and your grandchildren, and we need to do something about it.

I'm going to go alliterative on you. passion, preparation, and personality. I want you to bring all the enthusiasm that you have for the topic. I want you to prepare in advance so that you know what your audience needs and wants. And I want you to bring your own personal style and flair to whatever conversation you're having. Communication Challenge 3. Conflict. Unfortunately, the holidays can often bring conflict in emotional. reactions. There are many ways to approach conflict, but the one I think works best is to see conflict

as a problem to be solved. Solving this type of problem requires a collaboration between you and the other folks involved. Of course, this can be challenging for many reasons, including the emotions that you bring. And often, many of these conflicts, especially when it comes to family and friends, are things that have been simmering and existing for a long while. If there's a way that you can manage those emotions first, maybe take a walk around the block, write down some of the emotions you're feeling, or talk to a trusted other about these emotions. You need to express them, but perhaps not to the individual or individuals you're having the conflict with, at least at first. Once you have your emotions addressed, remember that conflict

is an invitation to problem solve, which means you want your communication to be about the problem, not the people. Take the time to listen and understand the other person's perspective. Often after truly actively listening, you realize that there are lots of opportunities for common ground and collaboration. We'll be right back to finish our conversation, but first, a quick word from one of our sponsors. Their support allows us to bring you this show free of charge. If you've ever felt like you're trying to do everything yourself, especially when the stakes are high, you're not alone. One of the biggest shifts I see in effective leaders growing their organizations comes from focusing on the right things.

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ready to help your business grow. That's upw-w-rk.com. And now back to our conversation. Finally, when it comes to dealing with conflict, be clear in terms of what it is you're looking for. Sometimes we're so frustrated we just want change, but we're not sure what that change is. Make sure you understand what it is you're looking for and be able to clearly articulate it. Taken together, this advice can help you have a more enjoyable holiday time and productively manage conflict if it arises. Let's once again listen to some of the advice and read it. recipes our former guests have given. We'll hear this time from Stanford professors Tina Seleig and Jeannie Tsai and GSB professor Maggie Neal.

Stand tall, you know, just hold the space. Sometimes, I mean, there's a tendency to want to rush through what you're saying and to kind of be, feel like somehow you're taking up people's time. But they're there to hear you. So you want to stand tall, slow down, and tell a story. So I think it's to know who you're speaking to and to anticipate what they might be interested in and at the same time to be really open to them and realize that you might not know everything about them. That counts as one ingredient. The second one is to be clear about what your message is, to think about the limited attention stands of everyone, all of us.

So to really think carefully about what are the three things you want your audience to take home with them. And then the third, I guess I already mentioned it in the context of the first one, is to really pay attention to people's responses. First one is concern for the other. If I'm trying to communicate to somebody, I need to understand where they are. And I need to frame my communication in a way that meets them where they are. And then I need to sort of help figure out how that communication can move them to a place that I would prefer them to be.

And so that's why I think, for example, negotiation is such an important skill. Maybe together we can come up with a better solution that either one of us could have imagined separately. It is my hope that the tools we have discussed for inserting your voice into existing conversations, making small talk, and managing conflicts can help make your holidays more enjoyable and less stressful. Thank you for joining us for another episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. To learn more about Small Talk, please listen to Episode 169 with Alison Woodbrooks. And to learn more about conflict management, please join Think Fast TalkSmart premium at Faster.io slash premium to hear a special EQIPS playlist that combines three previous episodes with some valuable learning guidance.

Find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe and rate us. Also, follow us on LinkedIn and Instagram. and check out Faster Smarter.io for deep dive videos, English language learning content, and our newsletter. We wish you a healthy and happy holiday season. Before we wrap up, I just want to say thank you for listening. It really means a lot to hear how people all over the world

are using these ideas in their own lives. It inspires me and the whole team that brings you this show. If you want more episodes and resources, feel free to follow, subscribe, and explore past conversations. We're grateful for your support of things. Think fast, talk smart.