Thinking Out Loud with Alan Shlemon - The Problem with a Christian Attending a Same-Sex Wedding

Episode Date: March 14, 2024

Should a Christian attend a same-sex wedding? Alan has attended a same-sex wedding in the past, but believes he made the wrong decision. In this episode, he unpacks his past reasoning, explains why he was mistaken, and offers a practical alternative.

Should a Christian attend a same-sex wedding? Well, I want to answer that question in this episode of my podcast, Thinking Out Loud with Alan Schlieman. Now, I've attended more than one same-sex wedding in my life. And in retrospect, I think I was wrong to attend. In fact, I want to unpack my reasoning for attending, explain why it was mistaken, and then offer a practical alternative. Now, ever since same-sex marriage was legalized in the United States back in 2015, American Christians have wrestled with whether they should attend a same-sex wedding. And in many cases, they were invited by a family member or a close friend who

identifies as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, and they wanted to communicate the fact that they love them, even though they may have disagreed with their homosexuality or same-sex marriage. homosexuality or same-sex marriage. Now, I understand the temptation to want to attend. In fact, I myself reasoned that it would be permissible to attend if I clarified to the couple that I didn't approve of same-sex marriage, and yet they still wanted me to attend. Now, I realize that my reasoning was mistaken, and I can't in good conscience, as a Christian, attend such an event. And there are really two main reasons why. The first is this. Marriage was created and defined by God. In other words, marriage is not a creation of the state.

Rather, it's a pre-political institution. In fact, God made marriage in the garden after he made Adam and Eve. In fact, scripture says, A man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is in Genesis 2.24. And then Jesus even quotes this definition of man-woman marriage in Matthew 19, 4-6. And then he adds his own commentary to that quotation. He says,

So notice Jesus believes marriage is a God-ordained institution, something that's made and mediated by our creator. And so notice how Genesis and Jesus, of course, formulates this institution. It's one man with one woman becoming one flesh for one lifetime. In fact, a man and woman make up the only pair of people described in scripture as being able to create a one-flesh union. Now, since the garden, men and women have been forming lifelong covenants together long before any government recognized them, and especially before the United States existed. And so today, the state has been in the marriage business for so long that people have forgotten that marriage occurs independently of the state's sanctioning of the ceremony. So, for example, my wife and I were

married officially when our pastor declared us as husband and wife at the altar of our church. Now, the ceremony took place before God and our family and friends. And so then at a later time, we filed the paperwork with the state to receive a legal marriage certificate and state-sanctioned benefits. That doesn't mean that the state's role is irrelevant. Public vows, I think, that are formalized by the state and witnessed by friends and family serve to keep spouses accountable. That marriage certificate, though, didn't make us married any more than a birth certificate made me born. The marriage certificate simply recognized the reality of our marriage, just like a birth certificate recognized the reality of my birth. So when the

U.S. government legalized same-sex marriage in 2015, it simply extended state-sanctioned benefits like property rights, inheritance rights, and so on and so forth. It simply extended those state-sanctioned benefits to same-sex couples. And even though it redefined civil marriage, it didn't change the nature of marriage, right? Same-sex couples are still and always will be excluded from actual marriage. Marriage, after all, was not created by the state. And so therefore, the state can't redefine what it is. So a same-sex couple doesn't get married during their ceremony. Sure, the state recognizes the couple has established a civil marriage, which is according to the new legal

definition, but it's not an actual marriage. The same-sex couple can't covenant together before God in the way marriage was designed to function, as decreed by God. And so the couple is simply engaging in a ceremony that ends with a legally binding contract, no different than any other legal contract. And that contract extends to the same-sex couple the same legal rights that the state has historically extended to heterosexual couples. Legal rights, however, aren't what marriage is about, right? God defines marriage, not the state. Now, I'll also mention that it's worth noting that marriage entails both covenant and consummation. So the covenant is the ritual pledge that a man and woman make before God.

And after the wedding ceremony, the couple consummates their marriage through a conjugal act, which is the whole Genesis 2.24, where they become one flesh. And a man and a woman possess the complementary sexual anatomy to create a one flesh union. And so they complete their covenant by consummating it through sexual intercourse. And refusal to consummate by either party has historically been grounds for annulment of the marriage. Now, annulment is unlike a divorce. It's as if the marriage never happened. And not only does God not sanction a covenant between two men or two women, but a same-sex couple can't consummate a marriage either.

And that's because they lack the requisite anatomy, right? I mean, sure, they can engage in physical acts that involve their sex organs, but they can't engage in sexual intercourse. And so their behavior is nothing more than mutual masturbation. And since two men or two women can't engage in a conjugal act, this is further evidence that their relationship can never be defined as a marriage. So that's the first reason. And let me give you the second reason why I believe a Christian shouldn't attend a same-sex wedding. The second reason is simple. A Christian can't celebrate sin.

So a wedding, if you think about it, is a very particular type of event. It's a celebration of what's happening at the altar. And that's a man and a woman who are covenanting together before God. Now, people who attend a wedding aren't merely passive bystanders at that ceremony. They're prompted to participate in customs that signal their celebration of the couple ceremony after all those who attend these weddings are usually the family and friends of the couple and are present to inaugurate the couple's new life together therefore a christian shouldn't attend a same-sex wedding because they shouldn't celebrate what's happening at the altar.

And that is a same-sex couple is forming a pseudo-marriage and committing themselves to a future of sexual sin. And at both the ceremony and the reception, you will be pressured to take part in the traditional customs that indicate your approval and celebration of this union taking place. For example, you're supposed to applaud when the officiate announces a new couple. You're supposed to throw rice at them. You're supposed to dance at the reception, you know, give a gift, sign the guest book, and clink your glass with silverware to encourage the couple to kiss. Notice every one of these behaviors signals to the couple and

their guests that you joyfully affirm and celebrate the union that was solemnized at the altar. Now, the alternative would be rude, right? Remain seated with your arms crossed, don't smile or applaud or act joyful in any way. But then, of course, the question is, why go? Right? Better to stay home than to act this way at someone else's celebration. The point of a wedding is to celebrate with a couple and other attendees. God, however, neither sanctions that union nor approves of the homosexual sex that they'll engage in. And therefore, a believer should never affirm what God rejects nor celebrate what he condemns. Now, let me offer two illustrations that might help. One of them is biblical and the other one's more of a modern illustration.

So regarding the biblical illustration, in Daniel 3, we have King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon who commanded his officials to participate in a dedication ceremony of his golden statue. And Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refused, however, because the ceremony involved behavior that affirmed and celebrated a sin, right? They knew that bowing to an idol would communicate worship of an idol and false god. And so therefore, they wisely declined to participate despite the dire consequences. Now, participating in a same-sex wedding also involves behavior that communicates affirmation of a sin and a falsehood, and that is the sin of homosexuality and the falsehood that same-sex marriage is a legitimate marriage.

Now, consider a more modern illustration. Imagine we live in a society where abortion is preceded by a ceremony, and the woman obtaining an abortion invites her close friends and family to a room adjacent to where the abortion will take place. And she stands up and says, you know, thank you for coming here today. I thank God that we live in a country where I can exercise my right to choose to do what I want with my own body. And she continues by saying, you know, my actions today will allow me to pursue my education and career. And I'm overjoyed that you're here to support and honor my decision.

I'm overjoyed that you're here to support and honor my decision. And after her short speech, the attendees raise their glasses and they toast her decision. Then they applaud, they give her a hug. And then after which she then goes into the next room and gets an abortion. If such a ceremony preceded abortions, then Christians would be wrong to attend one because it would be communicating celebration and affirmation of a sin, that is the sin of abortion. And in the same way, attending a same-sex wedding communicates the idea that you celebrate a union that God rejects and affirm a sin that God condemns. And so if you wouldn't verbally say, I affirm same-sex marriage, well, then you shouldn't attend a same-sex wedding because your participation

says the same thing. Instead, here's my suggestion. Do your best to kindly decline to attend the same sex wedding as graciously as possible. And then here's an approach that might help the couple understand your reasoning. And I call it the authentic dilemma. And it entails three questions. Here's the first. Ask them if they believe it's important for a person to live an authentic life, to live true to one's beliefs and values. Now, most likely they're going to say yes. and values. Now, most likely they're going to say yes. Okay. And here's the second question. Ask them what they call a Christian who lives inconsistently with their beliefs, who preaches one thing, but practices something else. Now, again, most likely they're going to say a hypocrite. Here's the third question. Ask them if they expect you to be a hypocrite

or to live authentically. So notice, here's the dilemma. The same-sex couple most likely believes that people ought to live authentically, consistently with their own beliefs and values. And a Christian attending a same-sex wedding would be living as a hypocrite, affirming a same-sex marriage when they don't believe the ceremony is legitimate. And so if the couple prefers you live authentically, then they should honor your decision to decline to

attend without expressing contempt towards you. Now, does the refusal to attend a same-sex wedding mean you can't be friends or in a family relationship with someone or a couple who identifies as LGB? Well, of course not, right? I think you should lean into your relationships with your LGB friends and family. Now, once you've declined to attend their ceremony, you can still demonstrate your commitment to them in other ways. So, for example, ask the same-sex couple when they will return from their honeymoon. Now, once you get that answer, schedule to visit them for dinner at their house a few weeks after the return, or maybe make plans to do something else together with them. And here's the rationale.

Declining to attend their wedding is likely to damage your relationship with them. And by scheduling to meet them for dinner, you are saying you are still committed to a relationship with them. Now, ideally, you would schedule your event with them at the very moment that you decline to attend their wedding ceremony so that it helps to mitigate the damage your relationship will suffer. Now, again, I know what it's like to be in this situation. It's a difficult decision, and I'm sure you'll be pressured by many people, including many Christians, to violate your conscience for the sake of maintaining a relationship with an LGB friend or family member. Now, don't get me wrong. I agree. It's important to strive to nurture healthy and lasting relationships as best you can, right? Just thinking about Romans 12,

18 here. And so, yes, we ought to love people, all people, and lean into your relationship with them. But remember, fidelity to God is always more important than friendship with the world. And so I think you should seek to do the right thing, even if it means your relationship might suffer. Look, this world is not our home, right? We live as exiles. So don't expect that living out biblical principles will be easy or celebrated by others, right? If you remember, Pilate sought to satisfy the crowd in Mark 15, 15. How did he do it?

Well, by betraying the savior of the world to save his reputation. You, however, have a very different calling, one that Paul reminds us of in Romans 12, 1 through 2, right? And he says, do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind to God's will. That is your spiritual act of worship. Move your mind to God's will. That is your spiritual act of worship. Well, that's all I have for you today. If you've enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to share it with a friend.

And also don't forget to subscribe to my podcast so you don't miss any further episodes. And thanks for listening. I look forward to thinking out loud with you next time. For more helpful apologetics content, be sure to follow Stand to Reason on social media and visit us online at str.org.