This American Life - 881: I Want What I Want

Episode Date: February 22, 2026

People deciding to do things that most of us do NOT choose to do.  Visit thisamericanlife.org/lifepartners to sign up for our premium subscription.Prologue: A new documentary called The Boys and the Bees captures a moment where a six-year-old has a very unlikely wish. And his dad decides to grant it. Host Ira Glass talks with filmmaker Arielle Knight about what happens next. (9 minutes)Act One: John Tothill tells the story of Edward Dando, a 19th-century British glutton who would eat hundreds of oysters at a time and then run out on the check. And makes the case that we should all be more like him. (15 minutes)Act Two: Producer Tobin Low listens in as Evan Roberts calls up an ex for the first time in years.  And tries to make the case that they should have been friends all along. (16 minutes)Act Three: Producer Zoe Chace brings us a dispatch from a courtroom in Texas this week, where on the very first day of a landmark federal trial about Antifa, the judge makes an unusual decision that no one sees coming. (15 minutes)Transcripts are available at thisamericanlife.orgThis American Life privacy policy.Learn more about sponsor message choices.

A quick warning, there are curse words that are unbeaped in today's episode of the show. If you prefer a beeped version, you can find that at our website, This AmericanLife.org. There's a new film out that's in festivals called The Boys and the Bees. Just Want to Prize at Sundance. It's about a real family with two sons, the dad's a beekeeper in Georgia. And I talked to the filmmaker Ariel Knight. As she pointed out, the two boys are very different. Carver Six, Arrows Four.

Arrow is the youngest and he's kind of always bouncing around. He's comedic relief in the film. And Carver is the oldest and he's a lot more serious. He's a lot more thoughtful. Carver is the one who reminds little brother what the rules are. Arrow just breezes past them. And the way all this plays out and this family of beekeepers... Arrow has been stung many, many times by bees.

And Carver has never been stung. And how do you explain that? I mean, you know, Carver is probably always paying attention, taking his time, moving slowly. World's follower. Exactly. And Arrow just sort of puts on his suit too fast and there's a bee in there or, you know, he steps somewhere where he shouldn't. Or he's just, you know. They have parents who have made a very deliberate choice to spend a ton of time with their kids.

Birdwatching and fishing and going through the woods and. and lifting up rocks to see what's underneath them, explaining everything about nature. And there's a scene that Ariel captured on film of the boys with their dad, Nehemiah. So we were wrapping up filming for the day, and Nehemiah, usually in the evening, will check on the bees.

So he's checking on the bees. He's lifting the racks of beehives out of their boxes, and then he gets done. Ouch. I got me. You boys back up, though. You all don't have a suit on you. And they just stung me, so I don't want you to get stung.

But what does it feel like? It hurts so bad? I mean, you can handle it. Carver creeps up to his dad and says something that I couldn't hear in the moment, but that Nehemiah repeats, and he says. You want to get stung? Yeah, everybody been in my family. Except for me.

I don't know if mommy would want you to get intentionally stung. It kind of hurts, boy. It kind of hurts. I know that hurts, Carter says. I can get the bee and put it on you and it can sting you. Okay, could we just talk about that choice that he's making there? So, Nehemiah has said multiple times that, you know, growing up, he'd always wished that the adults around him had been more curious about the things that he was curious.

about the kinds of adventures that he was interested in getting into as a kid. And he also seems very awake to these little teachable moments. He's a total teacher. And he's always kind of trying to find the edge and helping his kids navigate things that are scary to them or that they never tried before that they're curious about. I can get the bee and put it on you and it can sting me. All right. Well, let's do it.

Mommy got strong, I got stung, Daddy got stung, you haven't got some. So that's Arrow in the background. Then Carver goes with Dad. I just don't want to get stung in my face. Yeah, me either. That's the worst. We'll let you get stung right here. So Nehemi is pointing to Carver's forearm. I'm telling you right now, son, look at Daddy. It's going to hurt.

Okay. Okay. Sure, you want to do it? Yeah. Okay, my boy, I like it. Carver is starting to look a little bit concerned right now, and he gives his dad like a really weak high five. Uh-uh, blackburn down.

Yeah, there we all. All right, let's do it. Which lucky girl are we going to choose for my son? Oh my god, so Carver's kind of like touching his arm where he's about to get stung, his dad goes off to get a bee. You ready? Tell me when you're ready. When you lift your arm up, then you'll be ready. So Nehemi is holding a bee,

by its wings with the stinger pointed out. And then Carver has his arm kind of down and his other hand is kind of like shielding it from his dad and the bee. And he keeps kind of wincing and jerking his arm away in anticipation. You ready? Good job. All right. It's all right.

Three. Don't jump. Don't jump. Don't jump. Don't jump. And I'm going to get it out, okay? I'm going to get it out. You sure you want to, son? You're actually? like you don't want to now. I know you're nervous. Just really nervous. Alright, three. Relax, relax. You can't do that.

You just have to let it happen, okay? Something. It's so funny he puts the bee on him and the bee just won't do it. Well, she doesn't want to sting you, eh? She didn't want to get... Alright, let me get another one. Dang, you're just not a mean bee, huh? You're just a nice kind, but you don't want anybody to get stuck.

That's the younger brother again, talking to the bee. All right, here we go. Why are you playing with my son? Okay, okay, let me see. Okay, oh see. Now let's get it out. Let's get it up. You see?

Son, now you're making me feel bad. So Nehemiah kind of looks at me in this moment and I can see that there's a little bit of doubt in his eyes. He's kind of looking at me like, oh man, I don't know if I did the right thing here. But then you can kind of see the moment he all also snaps back into dad mode. Come here, let me see.

All right. Now wipe your tears off. Wipe your tears. Let me see it. Let me see it. Let me see it. Let me see it. Where is it?

Where was it? Okay, I got it out. Okay, good, good, good, good. Good, good. Nehemiah is kneeling in front of Carver, and he's kind of examining the bee sting wiping his tears away. Beekeepers get sung, right?

You got your first one, my boy. High five? Now let me see where it is. Nah, let me see. I got it out, I promise. You want to make sure? Yeah, I got it out. Now, yeah, that hurts.

Do you wish you didn't do it? I can't hear you. Huh? You said what? I still feel a little proud of myself. You feel proud of yourself? Boy, I'm proud of you. Can I say I just really love how Carver, after he gets stung,

is just not totally sure that he's glad he did it. And then he kind of, like, sits there and it stews in his brain for, like, a couple seconds. And then he decides, I'm going to declare victory. You should feel proud of yourself for that. I've never met any kid. I've never met any kid that's it. My whole family's been stung, and I haven't. I want to get them.

Look at mine. You see that he's right there? So the rest of the evening, you know, they go on to have dinner. Carver keeps glancing down in his bee sting. Sometimes he gives it a little stroke. And it's kind of starting to swell up a bit at this point. But he's kind of beaming at it. He's a real beekeeper now.

And like his dad said, beekeepers gets done. When you decide to do something that other people do not do, it makes you feel big. Today in our program we have people choosing to do things that most of us, not only will we not do these things, most of us actively avoid these things, the way that we avoid be stings. We have stories today of oysters, of love, we have a courtroom drama. WV.E.C. Chicago, Siss American Life. I'm out of glass. Stay with us. This message comes from an PR sponsor, SAP Concur.

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functionality and opportunities that they have here at Atrecure. Visit concur.com to learn more. This is American life. Akwan. Lessons in shellfishness. So John Tato has been thinking a lot about people who make personal life choices that are different from most. He did a whole show inspired by a man like that, a show where he talks about that man and tells a personal story also.

Tatel's a comedian. He's a British comedian. Quick note before he starts, he refers to two things in this story that not everybody knows about here in the States. He mentions the Edinburgh of Fringe Festival that's this big three-week-long performance festival in Europe where he happened to do this show. And he refers to Rustler's Burgers,

which Brits, I guess, know about. They are microwavable, budget-priced, ready-made frozen burgers on buns. Here's John Taco. Hello. How you all doing? You're all right? It's so good to be here.

And, of course, we've got to talk about Edward Dando, haven't we? Do we know about Edward Dando? Who? Edward Dando? The celebrated 19th century oyster glutton? Edward Dando? How do I tell you about Everton? Okay.

Right. You know how on Wikipedia? If you look something up on Wikipedia, Wikipedia has to purport to be objective, but to a fault, you know? Wikipedia will be like, Adolf Hitler was an Austrian-born German politician. And you think, you get on with it.

You know, come on. Do you know what I mean? But if you look up Edward Dando on Wikipedia, Wikipedia says, Edward Dando was a British thief. And it's like, okay, cancel my appointments for the afternoon. So Edward Dando was a kind of minor celebrity. in about the 1800s.

Completely forgotten about now. But he was famous in his day for frequenting oyster restaurants, right? This was like at the height of Victorian London's obsession with oysters. Oysters just came out of the Thames. Londoners couldn't get enough oysters. Edward Dander would go to these oyster restaurants

and he would order dozens of oysters at a time. I mean like 200, 300, oysters at a time. And then he would draw a crowd and he would performatively eat all of them. along with loaves of bread and kegs of ale. And then, when the bill arrived,

Edward Dando would swear to God he thought it was free. He claimed in court not to know how restaurants worked. And in these magistrate's courts, he would always insist on representing himself. And in his testimonies, he would always begin by saying, your worship, I was peckish. And I refuse to go hungry in a land of plent. Of course, harsh 19th century justice.

He would be thrown into jail, often for months on end. When he was in jail, he was thrown into solitary confinement because he kept eating the rations of the other prisoners. And then, and this is the clincher, Edward Dando, every single time on the day of his release, not the day after his release, on the day of his release, Edward Dando would walk from the prison gates

to the nearest oyster restaurant and he would do it again. That is a man who is free. That is a man who knows himself. And I love the story of Edward Dando because for me, the story of Edward Dando reminds us of how much there is to be gluttonous for in the world.

I love living in the modern world. I adore it. I like the kind of modern food that other people pretend to hate. I eat things like Rustler's burgers. Do you know why? Because I love it. Like, I really love it.

People go, what are you talking about? What do you love? All of it. But do you know what I mean? Like drinking, I love it. But even like sitting. Oh, I love it. I really love it.

You know, the irony that I'm a stand-up comedian. It's just the one hour of the day I'm not sat on my ass. I love it. I really, really love it. I feel that very strongly. It's interesting to me that greed and gluttony are separated in religious teaching. I don't think that gluttony belongs on that list

of seven deadly sins. I don't think so. I think greed does, but I think gluttony's different. I think that gluttony is something of a virtue, and I think it should be celebrated. But they are different, aren't they? We don't live in an age of gluttony. Gone are the days of Edward Dando. Gone of the days of the medieval feudal lord

who kind of throws feasts and, you know, bakes pies that are birds within birds, within birds, and that kind of thing. Nowadays, the modern day equivalent of a feudal lord is just anyone in a fringic group who owns a printer. You know, tragic. You mean, the stranglehold they have over the rest of us, it's unbelievable.

But we don't live in an age of gluttony. We live in an age of appalling greed. We live in an age of the kind of cruel, scheming, evil greed. But it's the kind of greed which up close looks very moderate. Like, it's no surprise to me, are modern-day Silicon Valley overlords? They're not gangrenous Henry the 8th, are they at all? like they're gym bros

you know Mark Zuckerberg is a gym bro that guy Brian Johnson or whatever he's a gym bro you know Jeff Bezos is a bit of a gym bro you know they take their vitamins they take their supplements they optimize their daily routine they go to the gym

they cut the small talk you know they want to expand their territories they want to live forever it's terribly egotistical greedy behavior whereas at least gluttony in its kind of it's not selfless

but it's humble isn't it you know like Edward Dando liked going to prison Of course not. But Edward Dando had the humility to say I don't matter. My life doesn't matter as much as the celebration of these oysters.

You know? The celebration of life. In a similar way, I promise you, my bank balance does not matter as much as the celebration of a domino's pizza. Do you know what I mean, though?

I'm trying to make the point that it's just, gluttony is over. You know? The greedy men have won. It drives me mad for kids. Because also, because I'm flying the glutton. flag out here. You know, I believe in gluttony. And I took gluttony to a whole new level.

Last year, shocking. So, okay, last year, to fund my Edinburgh fringe run, I went on a clinical trial, right? So I went on this trial where they gave me malaria. This is true. And it's never got a laugh before. But there's something for everyone in this show. No, seriously, I promise you, I went, I went on this clinical trial that gave me malaria. And actually, it got a bit out of hand. It resulted in a sort of touch, it was a near-death experience, right? I bring this up, because I really felt like last year, after everything that happened, I felt like I really earned my time at the Edinburgh Fringe. I was hungry for life.

I wanted to do my show. I wanted to watch other people's shows. I wanted to hang out. I was having a great time. And in the spirit of triumph on about day five of the Edinburgh Fringe, I thought to myself, what would Edward Dando do? And I got myself the modern day equivalent of oysters. I got myself some cheesy chips.

I love cheesy chips. And I ate these cheesy chips slightly too close to going to bed. And I woke up, unsurprisingly, I woke up in the most extraordinary pain. It was this horrible, dreadful stomachache. It was like someone was lying on top of me, you know? Which they were. Got them off.

And then... But it was awful. Stomachake, kind of nasty, like headache, a fever. it was. It was dreadful. I just remember lying there in bed and thinking, okay, I just need to get myself to the bathroom and I will eventually pass these cheesy chips. And I'm in a lot of pain. And actually I phone 1-1-1, right?

And they said, how bad is the pain? I said, it's pretty bad. It's not as bad as malaria, right? They said, what an incredibly strange thing to say. And they said, look, if it's manageable, the chances are you've probably got food poisoning. I thought, fine, food poisoning. I don't need to cancel any shows because of food poisoning. I've had malaria. I've had a proper disease.

I've been looking forward to the Edinburgh Fringe for months and months and months. I really want to do my show. I'm not going to cancel a show because of food poisoning for God's sake. So I went on stage. But over the next few days, as I was doing these performances, basically, my body

started to shut down, basically. So I would sleep for hours. I'd sleep for 18 hours or whatever. And I'd wake up, I take all available pain relief. I'd go and do the show straight afterwards, I'd collapse and I'd sleep for another like 18, 19, 20 hours, you know.

About five days into the illness, I remember phoning up my mum and saying, this is really bad now, this is the worst pain I've ever been in. She said, how bad is it actually? And I remember saying to my mum, I feel like I want to die.

Like, I feel like I want to be dead. and she said you said that two weeks ago when you lost your phone and I did so I'm not a reliable narrator of any of this next minute okay take this with a pinch of salt now I went to this pharmacy to get more laxatives which is a five minute walk away

and I did that walk in 45 minutes so I thought okay right I'm going to have to go to the hospital and hospitals are difficult environments aren't they because also the hospital as an adult It's a place where you have to kind of advocate for yourself, right? Which basically means doing an impression of your own mum, you know? And that's adulthood, isn't it, sadly? You know, you go around as an adult

doing sort of impressions of your own parents until eventually it sticks. And then you're kind of, the other day I roasted a chicken, you know? It was like a drag act or something. What's going on here? Mind the opening number of a musical or something? Bizarre. They went into this ANI waiting room

and eventually they said, right, the doctor will see you now. and this doctor, she took me into a curtained off area. And she said, look, I don't know what's wrong with you, but she said, the good news is for things that abdominal pain. She said, you've actually, you've left it a very long time to come in. I've left it seven or eight days, something like that. So she said, because you've left it so long, it's unlikely to be anything that serious. With these abdominal things, if it's something like a, if it's appendicitis

or if it's a perforated bowel or something like that. You'd have been dead by now, right? So she said, actually, the fact that you're still here means it's probably quite mild. It'll be an infection. We'll figure out what it is. We'll give you some tablets. And you can go home. You can probably do your show tonight, if not tomorrow.

Great, fine. Took me for a load of scans, figure out what's going on. And she came back with quite a confused, quite grave look on her face. And she said, okay, you're not going to believe this, but it is appendicitis.

And I said, oh, isn't that funny? And she said, no. So, she said, in her words, she said, your appendix has not just become infected. She said it hasn't even just ruptured, which is the usual sort of worst case scenario for appendicitis. She said, your appendix ruptured days ago. And your appendix has now, in her words, obliterated. She said, your appendix has completely fallen apart and it is now floating around your body.

She said, you are in a state called intra-abdominal sepsis. And she said, we need to operate on you. you in the next few hours or you're going to die. So we need to get you to the theatre right now. I said, that's what I've been trying to tell you. Get me to the theatre.

But look, I'm not going to pretend it wasn't scary because obviously it was scary. Suddenly it was a real life emergency. They put me in this hospital bed and they bumped me up the kind of urgent surgery list and stuff. And I woke up from the surgery and the surgeon said,

this is an exact quote, he said, yeah, when we opened you up, we were all a bit like, yikes. Now, they don't know what causes appendicitis. And it's been suggested that excessively fatty diets might lead to appendicitis. I was essentially almost killed by my own gluttony. And then he told me off, basically. He got cross with me. And he said, in my 25-year career as a general surgeon, he said,

I've never seen someone come in that late with appendicitis. because of this kind of dogged attitude I had to doing the show every day and I didn't want to cancel it and he said that was dangerous and it was stupid and it was reckless and it was immature and he said if you'd have left it

one day more you'd be dead you wouldn't be here and that'd be it and he's really really hard to hear that and not think he's saying that I came in at exactly the right time so I was right not to cancel yesterday show thank you

my timing's in I was incredibly lucky to survive. I feel incredibly lucky to survive. Anyway, right. Edward Dando. Edward Dando died when he was my age. Edward Dando died when he was 29 years old. He was also a man of timing actually because he died just as oysters were starting to become over farmed and they were falling out of fashion in London and oyster restaurants were starting to close and go out of business. and it'd be really easy to think of the story of Edward Dando

as the story of a man who never learned his lesson. But I don't think that's true. I think Edward Dando did learn his lesson. I think Edward Dando resolved every single time to continue doing the thing that he absolutely loved more than anything else. And as I lay there in that hospital bed, anxious to come back to the Edinburgh fringe, I thought of Edward Dando in solitary confinement,

and I hope that every single time he thought to himself when I get out of here do you know what I really fancy and I hope that for him every time it was worth the weight because I can promise you from the bottom of my heart this certainly has been I beg you please be an Edward Dando

eat the cheesy chips drink the champagne refuse to go hungry in a land of plenty even if a thing like sepsis or prison gets in your way and for God's sake let's go and get to Thank you very much. John Tot Hill. I should say the historical record is kind of sparse on Edward Dando. So John took a few liberties to fill in the gaps.

He got the gist right. As to whether a fatty diet can cause appendicitis, like they say, more research is needed. John's show was directed by Alex Cartledge and Catherine Craig Mile. He's on tour right now across the UK. You can find details on his Instagram at John Tot Hill, producer of Viva to Cornfield from our show, helping him adapt this story.

for our program. Act 2, the joy of X. Okay, so sometimes you break up with somebody and you still talk, you're friendly. Some exes, you never speak with again. It's harsh, but everybody understands it when somebody's feelings are crushed. It's not unusual.

What is unusual is somebody who wants to be in touch with all their exes. I mean, all of them. Even the ones who never want to see his face again, the ones who feel really hurt and disappointed, Evan Roberts is a person who wants to reach out like that and become friends with the most hostile of his exes. It's a weird mission that one of our producers, Tobolung Lo, was curious about.

Evan made a list of 17 exes. By the time he and I met, he had talked with 16 of them over the last several years. It was nice to catch up, get their side of the story. But the more the thing had gone on, the more he realized this whole mission, was actually just about X number 17. someone he referred to as the Big X, a guy named Keith, who even when Evan reached out, did not want to talk.

They'd broken up around New Year's. It was 2010. A couple of weeks after, I was on my bike, and I was going through the little atrium of the apartment building and getting the mail, and I got this card from Keith. And Keith repurposes cards and envelopes and put stickers on them and stuff.

So I opened it up at the mail, like I'm blocking the door. I'm sure I opened it up at the mailbox. And it is, on the cover is a winter scene. And there's some blue dotted stickers he has on it. And where the sentiment of the card should have been was just a ripped out hole. Keith had torn out the part where there should have been Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. It was a void.

It was like, and I saw through the hole onto my shoe on the floor. On the opposite flap, Keith Brodeanode a note. about how he thought he and Evan should stay away from each other. I think most people receiving a holiday card with the heartfelt sentiment surgically removed would think, message received. I will also cut you out of my life, ex-lover. That would be my response anyway. I will be honest, the first time I heard about the fact that you had interviewed all of these exes,

I was, like, horrified by that. I'm such a, like, I don't talk to any of my exes, not out of ill will or anything, but it's just like I, it's not a thing I've ever done. Why don't you keep in touch with them? Is it, is it just done? It's like, it's toast and you can't make toast bread. I feel like the relationship we had exists very much in the time that we were together. And so to revisit it, to me, feels like going to a past life.

I don't know, like, the value. of that, I guess, for me personally. I just want, I would challenge you, I guess. There are so many other ways that it could be. And this sort of dead version is like the least interesting. And what I kind of realized through some of these interviews is if there was love there once, it's kind of always there for me. Just to say, Evan has been in a happy relationship with his boyfriend for over a decade. But ever since he and Keith broke up 16 years ago, he's wondered, why the card?

Why did Keith never want to talk to him again? Why not be friends? Had he missed something when they broke up? Done something bad without realizing it? Evan and Keith met in their early 30s. They dated long distance. Evan lived in San Francisco, Keith and Austin. Evan loved who he was with Keith, said he felt like himself at a higher octave.

Keith helped him apply to film school, which he'd always dreamed. about. Keith was outgoing, funny. One time when Keith was visiting Evan, Evan came home to find him fake passed out in the living room, with a message spelled out in matchsticks. T-T-O-Y-M-M-M-H. The thought of you makes me hot. But long distance was hard on them. They broke up a couple of times, would always get back together. They were on one of those breaks when Keith moved to San Francisco, said, look, we can make a real go of this now. Let's make this work. Evan was surprised, taken aback. And instead of jumping in feet first, he said, okay, but let's take our time, not rush things. Which Keith did not take well. His face changed. Something about his whole body

changed. And it did feel like a door closing. And did that surprise you? Only because I didn't know that what I said would have that impact. Keith broke up with Evan for good. Afterwards, Evan felt like he was walking around in a fog. It felt like I was stuck on the wrong timeline. I just felt in a different parallel universe that I wasn't supposed to be in. Almost immediately, Keith got into a different,

very serious relationship, which has only further puzzled Evan. They'd both moved on. Why not become friends now? But Evans reached out a couple times over the years, and Keith has always been chilly. It's vexed Evan so long, it's become a joke with his friends.

One of them was in Keith's neighborhood recently and texted Evan about it. His friend joked that he should go take a selfie in front of Keith's house. Evan looked up Keith's address on his computer, copied and pasted it into a text to his friend, hit send. Then he realized he had accidentally texted Keith's address to Keith.

I screamed when Evan told me this. He thinks he saved it by quickly editing the text to a period, pretending it was an accidental but text. Did you know you can edit text? on an iPhone? I didn't. Recently, he wrote to Keith one last time, asking if he would talk. I see the email. Keith responded.

Oh, my God. Yes, count me in. Keith was game. What the fuck? They talk over Zoom, Keith calling in from Brooklyn. I'm with Evan in his apartment in San Francisco, sitting at his dining room table. Oh my God. Hello. Hello.

Can you hear me? I can hear you. Oh my gosh, you sound good. You sound good too. It takes a minute for them to figure out where to start. The usual awkwardness of a Zoom call is made even worse when it's a man talking to his ex-boyfriend. Evan brings up the last time they talked to see if Keith remembers. Do you remember the last time that was?

Was it on like Bernal Hill? No. Or no? No. Since then. Do you want to guess again? It wasn't on Burn a Hill with my dog? Yeah, I mean, that happened.

That was, I mean, I remember that was, but we've had dinner since then. Oh, really? This happens a bunch of times. Whatever Evan brings up, Keith only kind of remembers or doesn't remember at all. Like when Evan brings up the time Keith spelled out his secret message in matchsticks, one of his favorite memories of their time together. It was the thought of you makes me hot. Was your new one?

Really? Wow. That's a good one. Keith doesn't remember it. What's worse than having someone be angry at you, never want to see you again? I'll tell you what's worse. Finding out they don't think of you at all.

Then they get down to business, start talking about the night of their breakup. And Keith explains, he'd hope that at the end of the night, with them finally in the same city, they could really do the thing, be together. But Evan showed no excitement. In fact, Evan told him,

whoa, slow down, one step at a time. I think my impression was that you wanted to be together, but you wanted to be friends. Like, I felt like that's what you wanted, only. Only. And that was really hard. Like, I didn't want that. I wanted you to feel the same way about me that I did about you.

Like, I wanted you to, like, rush over and want to, like, embrace. You wanted the rom-com. You wanted us running to each other in the airport? Yeah, totally. That night, Evan actually thought he was saying yes to Keith, but just asking to ease into things. Keith had taken it as being friend zoned. They both admit that they didn't do a good job of just saying that to each other. Classic.

But as much as Keith remembers that moment, he admits he doesn't really remember what happened after that night. Did I just ignore you? Please tell me I didn't just ignore you. There was a breakup card that you sent in the mail with a hole in it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

God. Oh, I remember that. Oh, Lord. It's your masterpiece. Oh, my God. Will that be in my retrospective? I mean, I'm, like, I'm not, like, proud to admit this, but I, I'm probably wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry, that's not a great card to get. This is particularly one where I put stickers on the outside. Like, that seems like a psychopath. Like promising one thing and then being another, like, hey, this is going to be a fun card. You know, it's been a little weird between us. But guess what? Evan and Keith talk for over two hours. At times, their conversation feels a little polite, like two well-therapied gay men talking about their trauma while being recorded by a third well-therapied gay man.

but at least Evan has the answer to why Keith had sent the card, which clears the way for Evan to do the thing he came here to do. Make his case that they should have been friends all along. Yeah, I just feel like I wish that we could have figured out of how to be friends. That's all. This whole time. Yeah. Like, do you wish that was possible?

I just hadn't really thought about it. As a compartmentalizer, I think I've, until you posed that question, I don't think I've really considered it. Evan just keeps trying to convince him that he's got it all wrong. I don't, so my, yeah, I just, I don't understand for me, when I connect with someone when I have the kind of experience I had with you and with other loves of my life, it feels like such a, like I'm not doing it. I'm investing for a reason.

And I want, I want someone still in my life. I have wanted you in my life since we broke up. I have needed you. Are you okay? Yeah. Keith huffs a couple of times, eventually wiping away some tears. He seems overwhelmed, like he wasn't expecting this depth of feeling from Evan. I feel sad.

I feel sad about how I handled it, how I communicated, and that I was like hurtful to you and I also just sad for me and who I was then. So it just like is placing me in that small room I paid $300 for or something with no furniture and wanting my life to be something that it wasn't. And also it makes me sad that you, like I think what,

What you said, like I have needed you as a friend, and a person in my life just makes me feel like, like just, what a waste of time. Evan is also taking it in. Seems flustered. It's so weird. It's so weird to be right here now, Keith. I never thought.

Yeah. I never thought I'd ever hear any of these things. Come out of your mouth. Keith asks if they can take a break. When we get back on the Zoom, I remind Evan, we have one last piece of business, the accidental text. Okay, so you can imagine how...

Evan tells him about how his friend had texted him, he was in Keith's neighborhood. Their joke about taking a selfie in front of his house. So I copied the address and I texted it to him. And then I realized that I'd sent it to you. Really? Oh, my God. Are you serious? Yes.

Keith gets out his iPhone. Oh, God, there it is. See where it says edited? Yeah. You can actually press that and see what... Ah! Keith taps on the screen, which lets him see the original unedited text with his address.

Oh, my God. See, this is a good thing about stalking somebody who doesn't understand their phone. The way they're laughing, they sound somewhat like, dare I say, friends. attention in the room is released. They're more relaxed. And Evan, to my surprise, admits that maybe this all was a little bit much.

There's all these other little details that I have stuck in my head, but I think part of this also is I might just need to let go of some things too. I just might, maybe I don't need to hold on to so many details. Yeah. You're a holder honor. I'm a holder honor for sure. Yeah. About most things in your life, right? Or like...

Just you. Really? Just kidding. Just kidding. That's good. You're a holder honor. Such an intimate observation. Maybe Evan was right.

Maybe digging up all this old stuff with your exes isn't just a masochistic exercise. They say they'll get dinner the next time Keith is in town. The call ends, leaving Evan and me in the apartment. I'm kind of shocked. You are? Yeah. I really came in today kind of worried for you or like not sure what was going to happen. And I feel genuinely convinced that this was a worthwhile exercise, which I'm surprised by, I don't know.

I just wanted to say that. I'm so glad you feel that way, actually. I feel vindicated that I feel. that I convinced you. I talked to Evan again recently. He said Keith came through town. They didn't get dinner, but he's okay with it. He doesn't have any more questions for him.

Tobin Lowe is a producer on our program. Coming up, a shirt makes judicial history. Did it commit a murder? Did it embezzle funds? Did it violate the Clean Air Act of 1970? Answers in a minute from Chicago Public Radio. when our program continues. It's this American Life from our glass.

Today's program, I want what I want. Stories of people deciding to do things that most of us choose not to do. We have arrived at Act 3 of our program. Act 3, the lawyer, the judge, and the wardrobe. So our show today is about people making unusual choices. And we turn out to a judge making a decision this week that everybody who hears about it seems to agree.

It was a very eccentric decision. not the kind of decision when you usually sees. This happened at a big federal trial in Texas, the Antifa trial of the century, in fact, a kind of landmark case for the Trump administration. What of our producer, Zoe Chase, was there for the first day of the trial on Tuesday. You can't record in this federal courtroom,

but Zoe took notes on that first day when they were picking the jury, the part of the process that's called voir dire. In Texas, by the way, everybody calls it Vordyre, but our Yankee correspondent, Zoe Chase, has no interesting, pro-appropriation and is going to stick to her native way of saying it. Why dear? And she now tells us what happened in that courtroom. It was of info. So Judge Mark Pittman kind of sweeps into the room,

all rise. Here's the judge. He's a Trump appointee from the first Trump administration. He's a bit of a showman, charismatic and kind of exciting to hear from. He has a very strong Texas twang. He welcomes on everybody. And, you know, he's like, you should know I have a. a pet peeve of people who make fun of jury service. I like to quote Frederick Douglass, he says. We have three boxes that preserve liberty and justice in this country, the ballot box, the cartridge box, and the jury box. Dramatic pause. And when they get to the part where you're supposed to start questioning the jurors, the voir dire, he goes first. He leads it. And I'm in the overflow room, so I can't see the jury. But,

there's 75 or so of them. There's a big group of them. And they're going to pick 12 people and I guess a couple of alternates, right? Right. 12 jurors, three alternates. And the judge starts asking questions to the jurors to see potential bias in the jurors. So he asked them, what kind of experience do you have with law enforcement, which is not an unusual question in a trial like this? And then he goes, do you have strong feelings about what ICE has been doing? Are you pro or con? And let me just say he's asking about ICE because this particular case has, is it nine defendants, Zoe? Yeah, at this point. And they were protesting ICE's actions. They were at an ICE facility. Right. I mean, the government would say that they went to attack an ICE facility. In fact, one of the defendants did shoot a local police officer. And that officer was wounded. And the government's arguing that

these defendants were organized. They're part of an Antifa cell. This is the government's big case where they're hoping to show that there is an Antifa. It's a domestic terror group and you can win big convictions on that. And we should say the defense says none of this is true. They say they were not a group. They say these people were not planning an attack. They say they were protesters protesting ICE. Right. And so the judge is asking these potential jurors, what are your feelings about ICE? And the way he asks, it's like, do any of you have strong feelings about what ICE is doing? Pro or con is what he says. And he sort of has people raise their hands. But juror after juror is raising their hand and they're saying, yes, I am very upset about what ICE is doing. I do not like what ICE is doing.

So this is Tarrant County, Texas. It's like a purple district in the middle of the country. And this is like the definition of a random sample of people. Yeah. But at least according to people around me, like local reporters and people who live in the area, this doesn't sound like Tarrant County, Texas to them. Just person after person saying they're upset about ICE. And, you know, I don't know, like the judge did bring up Minneapolis. And since Minneapolis, a majority of Americans don't approve of what ICE is doing.

So maybe that's what this is an example of say. Wait, wait. And did anybody, when they raise their hand, did they say, yes, I have a strong feeling about ICE that President Trump is finally delivering on his promises and like I'm very much in favor of what ICE is doing? Does anybody say that? No. It's just person after person. No ice. Boo ICE.

And the judge was very focused on this follow up, which was, okay, can you put aside your feelings about. ice. However strong they are, can you sort of leave them outside the courtroom? Which does not seem like a bad question. Not at all. But a lot of times they would be like, I don't know if I can. I will try, but I am really upset. And the judge, which seems honest, the judge would kind of push them. So does that mean you can't follow my instructions under the Constitution to consider only what's in front of you? And then they would eventually be like, yes, I can follow your instructions. Most of them ended up saying yes, after some pushing from him.

And he kept using as an example, he kept being like, you know, I'm an Aggie, so you know how I feel about the University of Texas. But if the University of Texas was on trial, I could put my feelings aside and judge the University of Texas fairly. If I can do that, can you do that? And finally, one of the potential jurors in the back and forth said, sort of respectfully, a college rivalry is not the same as human rights. Wow.

And this anti-ice stuff comes up again, then when the prosecution gets a chance to ask their questions. One woman just starts out saying, I don't think I can be on this jury. I have two family members who have died after being deported. Another one is like ICE's tactics. The conditions in the detention facilities are horrific. I don't know if I could put my feelings aside. And the government attorney is like, I'm sorry, could you repeat that? She's like, horrific.

So things are not going so great for the prosecutors. What happens when the defense attorneys get up and get to ask their questions of the potential jurors? Yeah, the defense comes up and right away things go awry. The story really changes here. The first defense attorney comes to ask her questions. This is defense attorney Marquita Clayton. And she brings sort of a poster board to help with her questioning. And the judge sees this and he like freaks.

He's like, what is that? Has the prosecution seen that? I haven't seen that. You are not allowed to bring props in here. Maybe in state court. This is federal court. Like he's very upset and the poster board is sort of hastily put away. And then she's asking some questions.

about whether or not you can bring a gun to a protest, what the potential jurors think about that. It's a bit of a confusingly phrased question, to be honest, and it's taking a while because she's going juror by juror. And the judge interrupts. He's impatient. He just goes, defense counsel. Is this really how you want to use your time? Something like, I've been the most generous federal judge in the history of the world, giving you guys 90 minutes. This has been going on for 22 minutes. I really think you should consider whether this is a good use of your time, something to that effect. And I want to note this attorney he's rebuking is a black woman. She's the only black woman attorney as far as I can see in a room full of attorneys, the judge, white guy.

So that's the scene. And then he goes, in fact, you all better have a little visit and think about whether this is how you really want to proceed or something to that effect. You mean you defense attorneys like get together, have a timeout, talk about whether this is what you want to do? Because I'm here to tell you it's not. And so there's this little recess. And then when he comes back, he's hot. He's upset. And he just starts right into what he's upset about.

And he's like, there are very clear rules in this court about having demonstratives in the courtroom. Demonstrative is the poster board. Right. you know, bringing any prop with you to the courtroom. And also about what you're wearing in the courtroom. And this attorney, I have just realized, is wearing a shirt. This attorney means the defense attorney. Yeah. And indeed, this attorney is wearing a shirt, just wearing a blazer over it that I happened to see earlier in the bathroom. So I saw it up close. It's kind of checkered. It's these little squares, you know, smaller than a cigarette packet of civil rights.

leaders. Martin Luther King is on there, and it's kind of iconic images of the civil rights movement. And when I saw it, I was like, oh, she put that on because Jesse Jackson just died. We just got the news he died that morning. So it's a shirt honoring protesters. And the judge is like, we've been talking about peaceful protest for 20 minutes. And you're wearing a shirt with peaceful protesters on it. And the jurors can't unsee that. You can't use your clothes. You can't use your to influence the jury. He says that shirt has a politically charged message. It's as if the prosecutor were wearing ice-friendly pins or a shirt with Donald Trump on it,

riding an eagle, flying an ice flag. I'm sure the defense would go ballistic if that happened. This is why in England they wear black robes and wigs. I don't think this can be corrected by any type of instruction to the jury. And so I have no choice but to declare. a mistrial. Everyone is like, what? Because this

is a crazy turn of events. That's like a nuclear bomb to just drop the entire trial and start it over because of this woman's shirt. Wait, and what do people do? Well, everyone's just surprised. Like, everybody is stunned

in the room. And the judge is kind of like, I'm going to see what all the attorneys think about this. I should say also the the jury is not back from the break. It's like the potential jury is not seeing this whole back and forth. Anyway, the judge pulls all the attorneys like, do you guys think there should be a mistrial? And even the government whose case was supposedly hurt beyond repair because of this shirt,

they seem taken aback, they seem surprised by this turn of events. And they say basically, I don't know. They don't co-sign the mistrial. They don't ask for a mistrial. They don't ask for a mistrial. And, okay, it is against the rules of the courtroom to wear a shirt like this, a shirt with a message on it. I talked to a federal prosecutor from the same district who agreed with the judge that it could undermine the whole trial. She said, if you're going to throw out the whole case and restart it because of a shirt, this was just the first day.

You're not losing much. Someone else I talked to a federal defense attorney in Texas said she'd never wear a shirt like that to court. but she also said, I don't agree with the judge that there was no other option besides mistrial. There are lots of options. You can sanction the lawyer. You could find them. You can tell the jury to disregard what they've seen.

You can ask the jury if they even saw it. So mistriles are rare. Mis trials are extremely rare. The judge himself said he'd never called one before in his whole career. Then the judge, it's not over. He says he needs a break to go review the law and he kind of sweeps out of there.

I go back into the hallway and I see one of the defense attorneys. And I'm like, dude, what is going on? Like, is there going to be a mistrial because of her shirt? And he's like, it's not the shirt. The judge doesn't like the jury panel. And I'm like, why? And he's like, because they hate ice. And that the shirt, the shirt is the McGuffin in order to restart this whole thing

and get a new jury pool to choose from. And do you think that might be true? I mean, that is pure speculation. That is not what the judge said. That's not the stated reason for calling him as trial. And later, that defense lawyer pulled it back. He was like, I really don't know. But it was a significant thing how many people were against ICE over and over.

And people saying they wouldn't be able to put their feelings aside over and over. How many people was it? 18 to 20. I know we're talking about a jury pool of 70 plus people, but the way the process works, the prosecution would not necessarily be able to block all the jurors who hated ICE if that's what they wanted to do, just because of the rules of the game.

But if the judge, in fact, is doing this because he doesn't want people who have strong feelings against these law enforcement figures to be on a jury that's about these law enforcement figures, like that's not so strange. It seems like that would happen in any courtroom for any trial involving. law enforcement figures.

Yeah, that's not a weird goal at all. It's potential bias their feelings about ICE. It's not strange the judge would want that at all. But it is strange to call a mistrial. And there is a clue that something else was going on with this judge, which was, at the end of this strange day in court, he calls the jury back in. And he gives this little speech, and it kind of comes out of nowhere. He talks again about how much jury service matters, and this should be a place where you can set your personal politics aside. And then he says, I'm disgusted by where America is today, how hopelessly divided we are over politics.

In the 1850s, Abraham Lincoln said, a house divided against itself cannot stand. I don't want my sons to fight in the next civil war. We have to find a way to turn down the anger and the hatred. Wait, what? I know everyone around me was looking at each other like, what was that? And I think he was frustrated by how impossible it seemed to create a room right now that is what a courtroom is supposed to be. Neutral ground. He said over and over during the whole day, how important it is to get an unbiased jury that only considers the facts in front of them to have a room with no politics in it.

The shirt violated that and possibly the juror's answers about ice. But of course, the problem in trying to create an apolitical trial is the very premise of this trial is so political. It's about the stuff being debated literally every day all the time. It's ICE, Trump, Antifa, Antifa versus ICE. Right. Maybe there's a room somewhere you could discuss it objectively. I just don't know if that room exists in the United States. Okay, and so Zoe, I think what you're saying is, I think your big conclusion today is you're saying, we are a very divided country?

You heard it here first. Zoe Chase is one of the producers of our program. Our program is produced today by Diane Wu. The people who put together to today's show include Fia Bennin, Dana Chivis, Michael Comite, Emmanuel Jochi, Hananjofi, Valerie Kipness, Molly Marcello, Catherine Ramando, Stone, Nelson, Ryan Rumory, Lars Turchasek, Ruthie Petito, Francis Swanson, Christopher Sotala, Julie Whitaker, and Nancy Updike. Our managing editor, Sarah Abduraman, our senior editor is David Kestanbel.

Our executive editor is Emmanuel Barry. Special thanks to Jai Young Fan, Telawani Osi Bemelow, Stephen Monticelli, Chris Impi, and Arno Mokros. The family with the bees that we had at the top of the show from the film The Boys and the Bees, Nehemiah Ray and his kids and wife, they are active on Instagram.

You can find them at Raised Wild. The spelling's kind of specialized here. It's the name Ray, R-A-Y, S-D, then the word wild. At-raised Wild. Our website, this-Americanlife.org. We can listen to our archive of over 850 shows for absolutely free. This American Life is distributed by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange. Thanks as always to our program's co-founder, Mr. Tori Malatia.

You know, Tori, he is the master of swap meet. Any deal with you're offering. He is completely stone-faced. I don't know, like, the value of that, I guess, for me personally. I'm our class. Back next week with more stories of this American life.