This Is Important - Ep 188: Blake’s A Stand Up Guy, But Not How You Think…

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

Today, this is what's important: Disturbed, baby boys, jerking off positions, the Super Bowl, Vegas, Blake's 21st birthday, Fruit Stripe gum, Hans Christian Anderson, and more.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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obviously most critically, crucially important. Today on This Is Important. Standing up, side of the bed, T-shirt on, no pants, fully engorged, shouting. For some reason when I'm hungover, I always feel the need to seed. I jerked off in a TJ Maxx once. Let's go! Hey, hey, hey, we bae! Let's go!

You feel that. Oh, shit. Oh Alright that's 15 seconds Oh, yeah, dude, yeah That gets white people going and like Midwestern suburban whites You're fired up Do they play that at sports stadiums and stuff? That feels like a sports anthem. Have you, but have you,

it feels like it does, I'm saying, but have you, do we hear this? I haven't heard it. Why don't we? That's crazy. If you told me that the guy from Disturbed actually did like lock children in his basement or something, I don't know, but there has to be a reason

we don't hear that at stadiums. Allegedly! Go ahead, Adam. I'm pretty, the lead singer definitely, they passed away. I think the lead singer is dead. Oh really? Well, was he a good guy or did he lock kids in the basement?

I mean, he's a lead singer of a band called Disturbed. Go ahead, Adam. Yeah, I feel like he was disturbed in a way. I feel like, you know, there's a lot of things there. What if he was really well adjusted? Well, then I feel like we was disturbed in a way. I feel like you know, there's a lot of things there What if he was really well adjusted? Well, then I feel like you we would be hearing that at every stadium disturbed was talking about like The planet not himself. Oh the lead singer of disturbed is still lives has Todd wait then who died? Oh, I know who died Lincoln park. Oh, there it is. No, I know I, Lincoln Park and also it was called like drowning pool, right?

There was a band and that shit was pretty fired too. I gotta look that up. I'll play the first 15 seconds of it. All right, Adam, how you doing, dude? I'm checking out. He doesn't seem that disturbed. He seems just like a guy that is in a band, which is a little disappointing because if you name your band

Disturbed you got to do some disturbing shit for sure. You want him to walk the walk? Yeah, yeah I don't want to walk But I'm also like why don't we hear that song at every stadium then I want one when my LA Clippers Wouldn't Kawaii Leonard. Oh my god dunks dunks on a fool for it to go Yeah, oh my god. Clippers are so good. We don't really deep dive sports and also this is two weeks out. So who knows, they might not be first place.

Anybody who cares anything about basketball, this might be the Clippers year. That's what they're all saying. And guess what? I don't like it. I don't like what they. Yeah, because you are a cursed franchise. We do know that. We are.

We certainly are. But this feels beyond the curse. You know, it feels good, but if the first game of the playoffs, the entire team's knees explode, that would make perfect sense. They're like a jump ball, what just happened? They all fall to the ground. Their knees exploded, there was some C4.

Yeah, that would make a lot of sense. What's the furthest they've gone in the... Western Conference Finals was the furthest they've gone. No, it's just a couple of years ago. Oh, no, sure. Which, to people who don't watch sports, that's right before the finals, which is where you win it all. Who'd they play?

Phoenix? Phoenix. I think it was. Phoenix. Gusty! Yeah. Love it. Well, good luck with that.

Or will you go to some playoff games if that happens? Yeah, I mean, wherever the baby, by this podcast, the baby is I think 13 years old. So, dude, yeah. Oh my gosh. Your kid is 13. So, gonna be out. Yeah, so I'm celebrating his 13th birthday.

How's Beau, man? What's he in do? 13th birthday. What's he up to, man? Uh, just jerking off a lot, dude. Yeah. Okay, keep catching him. And he can't, he can't stop it he's a your

boy is disturbed yeah he is now that's disturbed my god I keep walking in my always fucking beating off into a tube sock yeah and every every time I every time I see him jerking off into a Kleenex or a tube sock I go What are you doing? I go what? Oh man that is wild dude you're gonna have a boy boys are way way crazy that's gonna be fun for you what are you basing that on black?

yeah what are you? The fact that I have girls and they're very well behaved but boys are psychos! I'm basing on myself I. Yeah, what are you? The fact that I have girls and they're very well behaved, but boys are psychos I'm basing on myself. I jerked off everywhere. It was amazing. Yeah, that's not psycho. That's just passing the time Yeah, it's now. It's just jerking off and by the way, I feel like I wouldn't even be my dad Every time I was in the bathroom taking a shit Psycho shit's important absolutely every time I was in there, going to the bathroom, he would go,

quit jerking it, you're going to go blind. Through the bathroom door. And what's funny is probably 85% of the time he was right. Right. It's the only way you could climax. I'm not jerking off. I'm like, stop. I'm not. But also I am. I do like how like you go into the bathroom just to take a shit

And he's like don't jerk off in there. You're like, I'm not and then you're like Were you sitting down to shit and jerking off in sitting position because that's fucking disturbed you Yeah, what do you mean? I jerk off in sitting positions. Wait, I still do Blake can only do it bending over looking backwards into a mirror. Yeah, what? What do you what do you mean Blake? I don't I honestly we got a standard I probably could count on my hands. Wait, what is this saying? I could probably count the number of times on my hands, how many times I've

jerked off like in sitting position. Like sitting straight up. What are you talking about? So this is, we're finding, what I love about the podcast is we just find out these little bits. Crazy. If you ever, if you ever want to find out the most intimate details of your best friend's lives, start a podcast and do about

190 episodes. Yeah, you start to scrape the bottom of the bear. You really start to find out that I start a stand up while wiping and that was I mean my, my God, we got a lot of mileage out of that. That was early. Right. That was early. We got a whole lot of mileage out of that. That's one of the pillars of this podcast.

But this, it actually disturbs me. You seem to put a button. Hit the button. Hit the button. Hit the button. Hit the button. I gotta get that one on. It definitely disturbs me.

That's gotta be ready because this happens. Thank you. Never sitting down? Dude, what? Yeah. By the way, the saying is I can count on one hand, but like... Yeah, it's counting on one hand, Joe. I can count on my hand.

I've got it on my hand. And you can only count with one hand if that's... I never, J.O., in the sitting, seated position. What did you do before like laptops and you were in front of a desktop computer at like your parents house? Yeah, yep, correct. Oh, so there were years I was sitting down,

my bad. No, no. Correct, Sturs. No, I just- You were standing? I was standing. So you could like dart out the- I could see Blake being one of those weirdos who didn't look at porn and

would just like smell like he stole a girl's, a girl's sweater. And he would just smell the, the sweater and then just jerk off while standing up, looking in the mirror while he's wearing the sweater, something like that. What? I could see you doing something like that. Very detailed. No. Very detailed, Adam. Hey, Blake, let's just say can see you doing something like that. Very detailed. No. Very detailed, Adam.

Hey, Blake, let's just say, I think you're a little disturbed. Yeah. No, no, no. No, but maybe I do have an active memory. Maybe I don't need like a visual companion because in my mind I can summon things. Okay.

So I don't need to be seated at that family computer to have a visual. Sure, you don't have to, yes. I'm not saying you have to. Of course, the spontaneity hits us all at various times. Sure. I jerked off in a TJ Max once. Yeah, that's when it hit him.

Wait, that sounds like you're... That's like... That's a little disturbing. But like, okay, so are you willing to accept that you've blocked out probably years of sitting down upright at a desktop computer? Um, yeah, I guess I was more thinking in my adult life. Like I don't do it any longer in a seated position. Like if it's gonna happen, I can't remember the last time I joked.

What about all those drives up to the bay? That's a handful at least right there You're not jerking off and in driving up. No, you throw the Tony Braxton on whoa Hitting the grapevine While cranking down now while grabbing your grapevine. I think maybe yes points point gosh you guys put me to work today So you're viney great I don't think that no maybe one time I've done it on the drive from LA to the Bay I don't really get maybe Kyle was the guy that used to do it a lot Kyle I mean my god. I think he's looking for babies in my adult life

I don't think I ever find myself I think he does it. Just looking for babies. In my adult life, I don't think I ever find myself J.O.ing in a seated position. It just doesn't, there's not really a lot of times when that happens. So Blake, you're at a desk right now. Yes.

Should I go? And I am J.O.ing, yes, but I won't go to completion. I promise. There's never a time you have a toddler in your house. This is why I don't like talking about my kids. Hey Blake, we gotta prepare him for fatherhood. Come on, be honest. You're in your, you have like an ADU, right? So it's like as a mother-in-law suite that you're in. Completely detached. Completely detached. I could do whatever I want. ADU for a little JOI. So you're kind of tucked away. It's a pie where you're at. I've been, it's-U for a little J-O-I. So you're kind of tucked away.

It's a pie where you're at. I've been, it's like a loft. So no one's breaking in. Tucked. There's not a time where you just after the pod or whenever you have a meal, you're like, you know what? I'm gonna give myself a sweet treat before going and playing with my chocolate.

And seeing what's for dinner. Yeah. Before you start to smell the hamburger helper and mosey on back inside the house. Stovetops for dinner. No, honestly. Honestly, that moment has not come for me. Hey, yes, points.

So that kind of leads me to believe that maybe you don't jerk off That often at all What is I guess what is often for? If you guys want to share with what? What is often? What do you mean like how often are you guys jerking off? I think daily is a lot. I think daily is a lot Yeah, I think three times a week daily Daily's a lot for someone in a relationship. Daily's a lot for people that are our age that are in a long-term committed relationship.

I think daily would be, it's just, that's a lot of doing. Right. I think three times a week, you're putting in work. Yeah. Okay. You know, you're putting up numbers. I'd say a couple times a week.

I'd say at least once, once most twice. Oh, yeah There's no way I'm not there's no way I'm not doing it If the clock is about to strike midnight on a Sunday, I get it in I excuse myself from wherever I am and I get it I say I go into the ADU. Yeah, I spring to the nearest ADU to the nearest A to U. Mm-hmm. Go to the A. Oh, yeah. Well, I wonder, that's really interesting.

Cause as your life goes on, supposedly your masturbation times are supposed to decrease. I think that's what we were told. And I don't know if it's true. Yeah. You jerk off the most at the very beginning. In retirement, it's going to be crazy. Yeah. Then it ramps back up towards the end for sure. Mm-hmm. Cause you're just killing crazy. Yeah. Then it ramps back up towards the end for sure. Uh, cause you're just killing time. Yeah. Waiting to die. So what's what

are your numbers like here, Blake? Cause I feel like my numbers are two, three times a week, two, three times a week. But then if I'm hung over, I'll jerk off five times a day. Dude, Adam, it's really weird. You mentioned. For some reason, when I'm hungover, I always feel the need to seed. Yeah, you gotta get the poison out, points. Yeah, what is that? What is that?

It's science. I'm gonna hit the button, bro. You guys are putting me to work. I mentioned this to Chloe because she's like, what is your deal? Why are you so horny when you're hungover? It's science. Can I come in?

No. Yes, Adam, I love that you're saying that. Why are you so horny when you're hungover? It's science. Can I come in? No. Yes, Adam, I love that you're saying that. Why are you so horny when you're hungover? Yeah, what is that? Because obviously she's not. She's like, if we, you know, we drank together, we, you know, she's like, I don't, why, why are you touching me?

Why are you grinding up on me? And I'm like, well, now I have to jerk off five times. If you don't want to have sex with me five times, then I have to jerk off five times. You know where I'm going to be. And I know I like that you I like that you say it in a normal tone when in reality I know you scream it. That seems I know that it's full standing standing up side of the bed, t-shirt on, no pants, fully engorged, shouting.

Now I'm going to jerk off five times. Fine. I guess I'm gonna jerk off five times I Think maybe what I have calculated in my mind is that like I feel I feel so bad that I want to feel I want to feel good That's right. That's exactly good. Yeah. Yeah, but also I'm hoping that somehow the hangover comes out through my penis and it's gone for the rest of the day. Yeah, that's also what I'm, yeah, I think that's what everybody's thinking. Interesting. But hang on, so you don't sit down, where do you jerk off? The roof.

Oh, he's a true workaholic. Yeah, dude, I go to Van Nuys and I go to- The workaholics house. I go to Hamlin and I really put in work. Oh no, I feel like if I'm ever doing it, it's either laying down or standing up, but never just seated in the chair. Standing up.

Okay, well this is a shower situation. Okay. Or he- Wait, no, no, no. He hesitated. Standing up. Yeah. Are we in socks?

This is dangerous. First of all, the shower, the shower sucks. The shower sucks. You're not into it? No. Of course not. It sucks. Uh, where and the way you hesitated when he said this is obviously a shower situation.

You were like, uh, that leads me to live. You're just in a closet somewhere in your home Standing yeah, this is you're carrying so much shame and you don't have to you don't have to let it out on the pot Let it out Ew, I don't I feel like these are the times that I wish Kyle was here because he would say some shit where he actually Does something way for more fucked up and I could allow you guys to go bury him. But right now I feel like you guys are kind of piling on me. I'm not piling. I'm actually trying to get to the bottom of this because you're the one who...

And I'm not sure I want it to get to the bottom of. I don't know if I actually want to talk about this. Oh, yeah, that's fine. That's fine. We can just, you know what I'll say, Kyle for sure has beat off outside more than all of us combined. Yeah. Well, that's what I think. He's a little bit in a nature like in not in a good way. Yeah, he'll go take a jerk off walk. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. He will take his shoes and socks off, bury them in his garden and then beat off on his cucumbers for sure. No. And then and then use his dick shovel to dig them back up. And that's how he gets it. Yeah, that's how he plants his seed. He fucks the ground. Yeah, he goes, I'm hunting for some earthworms, honey. And then he puts his worm in the earth. Man, I've seen so many worms. I'm gonna start doing that a lot, by the way. I'm gonna start doing that a lot by the way Yo Wendy Williams is probably the best show of all time. She is an entertainer

She's the best. Let me use my new catchphrase I find her very fascinating. She's so cool. I don't disagree if she's fascinating Well, I want the world to know that Blake is choosing not to talk about Yeah, we'll move on how How he stands up and jerks off and it's not the shower and that's a secret that he's That he is willing to let be a secret instead of just... Are you on like a endo board? Is this like, are you building skill sets? No, it's a secret.

It's his secret. So now we know that Blake has a secret out there. I just want to say that if you're doing this in stalking feet, if you have socks on, it's slippery, it's dangerous. And if that's how you die that was Hey, that one's for me and when I start my patreon it will be revealed I will take the TII citizens that really want to know and take them over to my patreon And it will be you have to say TI nation citizens. Otherwise. I don't know if it works at all

I think it works for every citizens blah blah blah nation We'll work on it. Yeah. All right. What do you guys got to bring to the table? Where I mean, I'm a pretty open book. I've I mentioned that I jerk off. I gave times I gave locations I you know, I was pretty open you you're the one with these deep dark secrets about how you jerk off And you're the one with these deep dark secrets about how you jerk off. It's a revelation, though. It really is the fact that you've that you only stand and you never sit. The fact that Adam stands to shit and you stand to Jack off.

What do I stand to do? If that's the three point stancer. Yeah, you don't stand for anything. That's true. Damn, I don't stand for anything. I'm spying. I stand for the damn flag. I'll tell you what I stand for the damn flag. That's true. Damn, but I don't stand for anything. I'm spying the- I stand for the damn flag. I'll tell you what, I stand for the damn flag. That's for damn sure. Is that what it is?

Is there an American flag in the room? That's not fair. Yeah, absolutely. You take your hat off. I take my hat off, I put it over my heart. I stand and I start to fricking, now that's disturbed. Let's see that purple mountain majesty.

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Listen and subscribe to the Martha Stewart podcast on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I mean, it'll be a few weeks old now, but we're trying to stockpile some episodes up because I'm gonna have a baby and then I'm gonna be out of Commission for a few weeks and then Kyle who no longer is part of the podcast it can't just be two guys It's gotta be at least three, you know, yeah gonna do you know, mm-hmm. So In a few weeks, we're gonna come out a few weeks late, but Blake is going to the Super Bowl, which I'm

Stoke I can't wait to hear all about it. But baby. Yeah, hopefully this is me two weeks into my celebration But I am very excited to go me two weeks. Good way to put it. Yeah, it's um It's the first Super Bowl that this is what's crazy. It's in Las Vegas. Yeah, I know that's a weird place to have a damn Super Bowl. It's gonna be some fucking awesome. It does sound awesome. Yeah, I mean it is going to be very Well, but it's just like it's almost too awesome. That's what I'm worried about is like what the hell No, it is I know what you're saying It's like the it's like the city is almost kind of like if you end up somehow not going to the Super Bowl for a whole other reason You might be fine like there's other shit going down

Yeah, I feel like it's the only city that can actually handle the Super Bowl like actually handle it Right because there's so much going on there that and there's so much indoor space so much going on there that and there's so much indoor space you can actually once the once the game is over all of those people can go to 30 different casinos and it won't feel that overwhelming. Yeah. When like no other city has that and like I went to the Super Bowl a few years ago Tampa Bay versus the cheese. And it was in Tampa Bay. And there's like one stretch where people party in Tampa Bay. And it was fucking bedlam, dude. It was scary.

There was multiple murders on that street that night. That's just Tampa, baby. I just want to party. People got killed. There was like shootouts and shit. It was wild. But I think Tampa is like shootouts and shit. It was wild. But I think Tampa is like, yeah, Tampa is a wild place.

Well, sure, but I'm just saying like, there was like one main street, which is a lot of cities have that where it's like, you know, in Austin, it's like six street. It's like a lot of places just have the one main drag and that's where everybody goes. But Vegas, I mean, the main drag is the strip, but there's like 40 casinos that people can get lost in I think I think it's a great way

We went when it was in New York that seemed to be fine and when I went when it was in LA I mean, of course, that's super duper duper local for a lot of people The thing I'm noticing is that it seems like it's become and maybe it's always been this and I just haven't picked up on it But in this in this era we're in of like grant for the gram It seems like it's like are you going to the Super Bowl as if like it's it's more than just the game If you don't give a fuck about Super Bowl, there's at least 30 parties to go to afterwards Yeah, that's the thing that I've noticed that's weirder in any other way is like I think the Superbowl started on Monday for Las Vegas. Like there's been parties every day this week and it's only leading up to

Sunday and then Sunday will be the grand celebration and depression. Yeah, but I feel like people might even be fucking out of commission I bet you that five percent of the people who were supposed to go to the Super Bowl for one reason or another Aren't even gonna fucking go could you imagine if you fucking got the like $6,000 ticket and you're just arrested Yeah, they're just handcuffed to a bed in the at the bunny ranch Dude, I promise you there's just a lot of shit going on leading up to it. You might be too hungover or whatever, like hot at the table or like whatever. You're just not even going to go. You're just not going.

You're like, oh, wait, oh, shit, the game's on. Like like the party's going to be going and you're going to be like, remember, we're going to break this up and go to the fucking game. I don't know. Who knows? 5%? Yeah. 5%? Yeah. Well, that being said Blake I'm very bummed That I'm not gonna be you know, yes Yeah, our agent gave us where it gave us tickets

That's how Blake got hooked up and I know that they offer he offered tickets to Ders and myself and I'm bummed that I couldn't be there because I know that the game is gonna be great I think it's gonna be a really good game and then beyond that the parties and how much fun we would have after the game would be And before the game and the day would be a blast game. It would be so much fun. Just sneak out What you happen us sure and usher the half us sure super half time dude Wow I just know how hungover you're going to be. You're going to jerk off like 12 times standing up in that hotel. You're going to jerk. I might do it sitting down. I might do it sitting down. I might do it. You're going to be standing

up in that hotel room just cranking down. I do kind of want you to try sitting down just to like realize like does it feel better? It's still, it's an option. I don't know if it's better for you, but it's an option. And I want you to know that it's an option. Well, I will say it's better than standing up like a fucking lunatic. What do you mean standing up? What if that's what we found out Adam had a bad back because he was sitting beating off so much that his back.

Well, do you stand up or sit down? Hey, that's, that's, that's the real stiff person. Hey, hey, wait, hold on. We got that. Yes, points. I feel like, I feel like standing up is like a, it's almost like guys can stand up to pee. Like, we can do it.

Like, I don't know if girls stand up. We know Blake. Thank you. I don't know if girls stand up in J.O. I feel like it's an honor to be a male and stand up J.O. Well, too, very cool. I mean, well said. No. Yeah, couldn't have said it better myself.

So it's not an honor. No. No. How often do you think females J.O. standing up? Daily. If I know women, daily. If I know chicks the way I, I know that I do. Never. Okay. No, they don't. So I'm embracing it.

Yeah. So you're, you're, you stand up to jerk off solely because because women can't. Yeah. Oh, okay. All right. Yeah, it seems like you're rubbing it in their faces. I stand up to J-O. And that's one thing I don't want you to do is rub your J-O in their faces.

Yeah. Well, don't do that. Too late. Too late. This boy's disturbed. Too late. So Blazer, do you know where these seats are? Are you in a box?

Are you down out there? You're in a box. I know my boys up in a box. Yeah, supposedly I'm in the box of maybe the Jacksonville Jaguar owner. Like every owner gets a box and I think I'm linking up with the Jags, dude. Which I dig because... You guys know I Jag standin' up? Their uniforms are off the Jags. dude, which I dig because you guys know I Jags standing up uniforms are off the jacks and their uniforms are pretty sick. So it's a Bay Area to Jacksonville connection in the box.

So are you, um, I mean, are you, are you going to have to like beef up on your Jacksonville Jaguar knowledge? Cause you're going to be the owner. So you feel like maybe you should have like, yes. Who's their quarterback? Uh, Trevor Lawrence. Oh yeah. I think Trevor Lawrence has the largest face I've ever seen in my life.

It's massive. It's so big. Not in a bad way. It's not a bad looking face. I'm just like, it's, that's a lot. He has a lot of faith. It's long. It's wide.

Yeah. It looks like the girl who's the witch in on Nightmare before Christmas, but that is not what I'm saying. I'm just no, but it's not bad. It's not but not in a bad way I love that character real sexy witch cool. Yeah, it's cool He looks great and he has great hair and he's the man other than that like the mask from saw in a good way And he's the man other than that like the master saw in a good way In a really good way, yeah, it looks like well, I wonder if he's gonna be I wonder if you are a football player Are you you go? I'm not

Well, I mean do you go to the Super Bowl or or do you go, I don't give a fuck, I'm not there. So I actively don't care about- You go out? No, this goes back- I don't go back. We saw football players in New York, we went. I remember seeing Gronk and Gronk didn't play, right? Yeah, but Gronk's there to make money.

He was like doing endorsement deals. Yeah, but I think they go to party. Maybe. This goes back to being in Las Vegas. You go, it's Las Vegas. Everyone goes, everyone goes. It's like NBA All. You go. It's Las Vegas. Everyone goes everyone goes Yeah, it's like NBA All-Star weekend. It's green light. We go even though we're ballers we go right guy Go man. Let's go. I think all-star weekend is actually in Vegas this year for NBA

I believe that's go Vegas is really Really starting to stake a claim. Reclaim its identity. Wait, Vegas is really starting to now stake a claim? I'm saying it's saying like we are the hub. Dude, it's Las Vegas. I feel like it's been the hub. It's been the hub. Like the convention hub

Hear me out. They got a football team. They're getting a baseball team. They have a hockey team They're going to get it NBA team. They're saying like come here now that gambling is legal They're like just yeah, let's fucking kick it here. Yeah, yeah, it is it is the best I like I haven't been in so damn long It is, it is the best. I like, I haven't been in so damn long. I went for a Green Day concert not too long ago, but then before that it was like five plus years that I, that I,

Yeah, I'll be honest. I don't, I don't love Vegas. Like I'm not a Vegas guy. I think it's a healthy to not say like, give yourself over to Vegas because if you do, it's can be dangerous. Sure. But I'm saying like- But it's perfect for what it is. Oh, it's can be dangerous. Sure. But I'm saying like perfect for what it is. Oh, it's the best. Yeah.

I think for what? Because none of us are like real club guys. And I think that's why we didn't like Vegas when we were younger. But now we're older, dude. So now we could go to like be a little older and like go to a dope dinner, get drunk, do some gambling, maybe go to like one of those like, like really cool lounges that aren't like a really cool strip of these. No, one of those really cool. What is a call where like that, like, I don't know, like their clothes off, they dance.

There's people that are like, not wearing all the clothes they should. It's, it's like a bar. And then why, and then that's, that's where you don't sit down ever. Yeah, Blake, Blake's standing up in the corner, like doing whatever he's doing. He's always standing up. Yeah. I guess that's, I had noticed that about you. Whenever we've been to an, a strip club together, you're always standing up.

Yeah. Huh. My hands in my pocket. Just. That's with your friends. I want to give him a lap dance. Can't. No lap. No lap to dance.

Sorry. Move on. Why does he got to both his hands in his pocket? No, he doesn't sit down. You can jump on his back. He'll piggyback you. Move on, Serenity. Get on.

Those like cool lounges that aren't a club. It's more of like you have like a dope dinner and then it's like a cool upscale bar, I suppose. Yeah. Yeah. I think Vegas is also like diversified. They know that they want to have something for everybody. Yeah. Yeah. You could really get in the mix, dude, do whatever you want to do. That's what I meant to say. You can get in the mix. You can get in the mix. mix no I think there's a little something for everybody in Vegas even football. Yeah, I just know that there you can also get into a Lot of weird shit in Vegas. What happens there stays there You can get into weird shit. Yeah, I guess you can yeah, I guess so fucking sure and by weird I mean lose a lot of money. I just not like I don't like to gamble is that what you meant by weird

I don't think you know how that joke form works or you don't like to gamble not even not even like a little bit Like what we did when we were in Gamp in Philly and we're at the parks parks casino Philly Ben Salem we're in beautiful Ben Salem You don't even like to gamble with just a few hundred bucks Play some blackjack that kind of thing not really I like it. I also like to throw some craps around throw some dice But you go in thinking you're gonna win I go in knowing I'm gonna lose and then we all end up losing

I go in knowing I'm gonna lose and I'm just like how long can I fucking string this along me too? But what's so fun about going in like yo, I'm gonna lose, and I'm just like, how long can I fucking string this along? Me too, but what's so fun about going in like, yo, I'm about to lose all the fucking, all the money I just took out of this ATM. Because the drinks are free. Yeah, the drinks are free, and you're doing it, and you're shouting, and... No, they're not free.

They cost as much money as you just took out of it. They're actually more expensive than normal, just cause you get to play. No, that's not how reality works. They're not more expensive than normal. You are the target audience for a casino because you're like, oh, I'm getting free beers, but really you're dropping fucking five, six, seven hundred dollars at a Blackjack table.

But also I couldn't be winning or I'm losing. So like if I'm winning, great. But I'm also losing and paying to be playing. Yeah, like the entertainment, I pay for the entertainment of playing and then the drinks are free. I understand the concept. It's like, it's like, you know, it's like, you know, weird things happen in Vegas. I understand the playing Blackjack isn't that fun. I'd rather play fucking Mario Brothers.

That's a little more stimulating than playing Blackjack. And I'm sure they have that. They do. If they do if they do I would love to go to a casino where I could play Mario for a thousand bucks and I bet I would I bet I would Play the Maloof brothers. I don't think that they have Mario, but they actually do have Video games that you can gamble on in Vegas. Mm-hmm. Where is it? They have like the video game lounges? They're they're all over. I think all the main casinos have always listening. Well, I don't if it's like

modern warfare, I don't know if I can hang but if they have like contra, I think I could I think I could make some money. Like sign me up or bubble bubble or balloon fight. I'm really good at those. I don't know. They have balloon fight. Is that your radar at them? I don't think if they have balloon fights. Balloon fights? Balloon fights? Is that your radar, Adam? I don't think they have Contra or balloon fights, but... But yeah, I'm sure. I'm not sure about balloon fights.

I don't know. Okay, let's go! famous restaurants in the world. There's a table in the corner. We're the most incredible conversations on the planet are happening every week with owner Ruthie Rogers, an amazing guest. Like Martha Stewart. Well, he did have an affair with one of his best friends. Jimmy Fallon. Do you want a zip line over your dad

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in the world of food writing. Be sure to tune in to season two of the Martha Stewart podcast. Listen and subscribe to the Martha Stewart podcast on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What I want to do in Vegas is I want to go, I've never gone and just sat there and like during March and jerked off. And I've never gone and just watched like March Madness and gone like during March Madness. I think that would be very fun.

And just watching games at one of those giant parks. Yeah. Yeah. One of those sports books and you just go with your buddies and put money on all the games. So it's like, you know, it's extra exciting and then just sit there and get drunk and sit there all day long Isn't isn't it isn't there a place called sports book? I think my home is a bartender there a guy I went to high school with oh what every casino has a sports book. That's what yeah I think there's a place called sports book where like it's a rooftop outdoor bar with a giant fucking TV

Don't mind if I do if that's the one like what the pool I feel like they like yeah, they it's like off the strip It's a little down the road anyway put my feelers out. He's checking out. I'll put you in touch. Well, I'm excited for you Blake I hope as we're speaking my team one. I hope they have contra. I personally hope your team doesn't win. Doesn't win. But yeah, why is that? Well, my family were Midwestern and they all are huge Kansas City fans. So, you know, you guys already won a bunch, man. Just give me this one.

So so is the 49ers, dude. They've also won a fucking time. It was so long ago. I was just a baby. But weren't they just there and lost it? Yeah. Yeah. They've lost very recently several times, dude. Come on. So that's what they do.

Let us get over the hump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with you. I understand. And that's why I'm like, if the chiefs lose, sick. My boy Blake is having a fucking awesome time in Vegas. That sounds cool. So I'm not that mad at it. But, uh, but I think it's cool that they have such a dynasty, uh, the Kent City Chiefs. but I think it's cool that they have such a dynasty, uh, the Kent City Chips. So I think it's pretty rare. It's special.

It's too, it's to be, uh, respected. Yeah. I do like watching Chris and McCaffrey play. Yes. CMC, he's the man in those pants. Is that what you're saying? That dude, as the kids say, he got a cheat code. Um, we were saying in those pants or what?

I don't even know what that means. You like to watch him play in those pants or what? I don't even know what that means. Yeah! You like just watching him play in those pants? You like football pants? In those tight football pants or what? What do you mean? Do you like football pants? I like watching him play football. Okay.

Okay. In those pants. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's wearing pants. I like it. Okay.

He is wearing pants, right? Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, okay. No, I'm sorry. I thought, I wasn't sure what you were saying. Yeah. Yeah, but I do, I do like seeing him play in those pants. I know, I know my boy, Derz, when he says things like that, I feel he's a little, a little

disturbed. You're right. Because when I see Christian McCabery come on screen in those pants, it's like... Wait, I... Oh, wow. There we go. Damn, that was not an alley-oop, dude. That was a long way to go, but I will have my finger ready.

I feel like when you watch him, you know... Here's my thing. When I watch him play, he's so fucking fast, his legs are moving so quickly and he's cutting left and right, that you go, yeah, that makes sense. But when I watch Travis Kelsey, I don't understand how he's always in the right place at the right time. He doesn't seem like especially quick or like that he makes these crazy cuts. He just seems like he gets to where the ball's going to go and he brings it down. I mean, he had some outrageously wild catches in the last game, but I'm always

like, well, he's a tight end tight ends. That's they're not wide receivers. They don't have like the quickness. They're just big, like fricking the Hawks. And he's just a giant. What was like Terrell Owens? He was a wide receiver. Yeah And he wasn't he fucking fast as fuck and cutting people and yeah, dude wide receivers are insane That's like Jerry Rice. And so wait. Sorry. What's Travis Kelsey tight in tight it tight it So when they aren't catching the ball, they're like blocking so they have to be like really big dudes

Right, but when they do catch the ball and if they're athletic then all of a sudden It's like a tank running down the field copy that and it was my boy Tony Gonzalez that kind of changed the modern-day tight end. Correct. There we go. That's Kansas City, right? Yeah It was a Kansas City chief. Oh Tony Gonzalez who I did that Amazon commercial with, super nice guy, great skin, and he still looks like he could play football. The guy's like still just, like, did not let himself go. He's so, so. And I was right next to him standing the entire time.

But yeah, so he kind of changed what the modern day tight end is, is like a little more athletic than what they used to be. Much like the Gronkinator. And then now we got Travis Keltsy. Oh, yeah, big Gronk. Yeah. Big guys. Gronk at least would like fake. He'd like make cuts.

There's just he make you seem like he's a little more athletic. I think so. He seemed like he was, I just, he'd make you seem like he's a little more athletic. I think so. He seemed like he was, I mean, he's so big that like, He's so big. You don't realize how fast he is. Yeah. You just want to see him stand in there in his pants. I'd rather see him sitting down, honestly.

Oh. I'd love to see what he could do sitting down. I feel like he could do a lot sitting down. Just like my homies. So why can't you, I've got family coming in town and Chloe's giving birth next week. That's why I'm not going to the Super Bowl. Ders, you just have family stuff?

Emma's going skiing and with the kids all weekend. Ah, there we go. Do you think you get dad points by taking them to Vegas? Yes, clients! You take them to Vegas. Yeah. You stay at a kid-friendly hotel. The circus circus. by taking these coins to take them to Vegas. Yeah. You know, you stay at a kid-friendly hotel,

the circus circus. Yeah. I feel like it can be fun. Why? You pay the waiter to watch them in the pool. Give them a bucket of quarters. Yeah. Yeah.

You give them a bucket of quarters and say, hit the arcade. Yeah. Which, by the way, this is what my parents used to do. Like, my dad. Yeah, wait. The first casino you ever went to, was it with your parents? Right? Yes. And it was the, uh, what's the like Aladdin's castle one?

The one that is like in Vegas in Vegas, you went to Vegas. That was your first, uh, casino experience. Yeah, I think so. Like I was like 14 or 13, however old. That's it. And, uh, we, we stayed. And we stated, what's the one that like the dragon comes out and breathes fire? Excalibur. Excalibur? We stayed there, by the way.

Yeah. Fucking place rocks. It doesn't, dude. It doesn't. It's wreaks. Hilarious. It wreaks a mold. It's pretty bad.

Yeah. Is it still there? I love that it's so bad. That's what I love about it. Yeah, it's so bad. They're going to tear it down soon, right? They have to. If it still there? I love that it's so bad. That's what I love about it. Yeah, it's so bad. They're going to tear it down soon, right? They have to. If it's not already gone. And then, and then they like, we're like, hey, we'll take you to circus circus. That'll be fun.

And then we go to circus circus. Pizza pizza. And then they, I mean, they're not like degenerate gamblers, but they're in Vegas. So they're going to want to like gamble a little bit. And then they just like gave us quarters and we just sat at the shitty arcade at circus circus and played Play video games. Um time crisis. Blake. Did your parents take you to Vegas? This is not on my childhood No, I didn't go to Vegas parents were cheap and they got like a it was like a discounted tickets and hotel room stay because You can they do give great discounts that being said you can, they do give great discounts. That being said, it's don't take your children to Vegas. Unless you, especially if your kid is like 13, 14, I was so horny.

Yeah. I do like the idea of my, me like sending my kids to like the slot machine and then just, they're at tau, just fucking, holding it down in a cabana. Yeah, they probably could, dude. They're so jacked, they probably do well. They're ripped. They're shredded. Shredded. The first time I ever went to Vegas was, I think it was my 18th birthday and my dad and my stepmom, they took me to see the blue man group and that shit was off the fucking hook, dude. We went to Vegas once with you and your dad. Was at your 21st birthday That was my 21st and the wheels really came off that shit was fun, too

And then we uh, I remember for whatever reasons I look back It must have been kind of cold because I was like wearing a cardigan and I by the way hate cardigans Yeah, never wore them and for whatever reason it was the era. This is the way this Vegas this Vegas trip, I'm wearing a goddamn cardigan. I think, I think we were all like tried to dress as cool as we could. And you somehow found a cardigan somewhere and you're like, I think this is what's trending right now. Yeah. I think we tried to like age up like ourselves to be like not just like because we look like children when we were 21. Oh my god. Not Kyle. Kyle always looked like a 38 year old divorced dad but yeah. But we look like kids and and

I think that was my way of looking a little older is a card. It's like, yo, Mr. Rogers. If you told me Blake was wearing a fedora during this time, I would believe that. I wasn't, but I was definitely wearing like a black T-shirt that had like fake jewelry, like on it. Like the necklace print or whatever? Yes, yes, I'll post it. That's cool.

I have a lot of photos. It's my 21st birthday. So I have those photos, but I went there before that I went for my 18th birthday. I saw blue man group and I think I saw David Copperfield too, which is fucking Off the chain say love see that's what I'm saying. By the way, I want to do What in what movie was it that was it super bad not super bad was it knocked up this is 40 this is where they go and was it this is 40 and they go and do maybe it is knocked up yeah they go and do mushrooms and then see Cirque de Soleil I'm like right that to me sounds like an absolute wonderful day in Vegas you yeah can you watch the Super Bowl at this new sphere thing? I gotta go to the sphere.

Can you watch the Super Bowl? Are they gonna air it? That would be brilliant. Of course, I don't think that is what is happening, but that would be absolutely brilliant. But also, I don't know what would it be like watching a football game in a like dome form. Awesome. Well, dude, it would be it'd be like you're at the game. It would be great. It would be fucking phenomenal. Yeah, I feel like you might want to throw up too though. They would sort it out. Well, you're not watching it like it's, you're not like hovering above.

It'll be like the game is happening here. And then this is- No, it'd be all around you. When you watch football, it's straight ahead. It would be 360. I guess what I would trust the people who develop the way you watch things to do it right. Not year one. Not year one.

What do you mean? They've been people have been going that set us off the fucking chain. It does look cool. But they're not ready to pipe in the Super Bowl. Maybe year five, they'll be ready. Listen to me. All they have to do is just broadcast it as a big ass TV and have the recipe black. It can be the sky. It can be whatever. Well, then why would you want to be in there that place seems like it sucks? You're trapped in a fucking cuz you're with 20,000 people watching a game drinking and kicking it

It doesn't sound bad. That's literally every casino like a sports room like it, but it's so much bigger dude I'm out. It's not it's not it's it's like it's the cuz It's the sphere and you're with the 5,000 other people, however many people fit in this goddamn sphere. Look, just cause you're actually going to the game, there's a shit on the fucking deal. Fuck you. You can come too. Come on, bring the boys.

Let's go. Yeah, dude. Yeah, bring the boys. Let's go. I wanted to take them to a monster truck rally, but it's next weekend. God damn it. What the hell?

Let's go. I think it was this past weekend down here in Anaheim. It was the past and it's next weekend. God damn it. What the hell? Let's go. I think it was this past weekend down here in Anaheim. It was the past and it's the next. That's what got my I was like oh it's probably a couple weekends and I was wrong. Um what else? What else? What else? What else to talk about? I'm pissed. Blake refuses to tell us his mystery No way that actually I have something I'd like to bring up. Did you know that they are discontinuing? discontinuing fruit stripe gum Dude any take that.

I think we can even skip it. I'll see you guys around. Blake, have a good time. Blake, I mean, yeah, that gum sucks, and it probably shouldn't. No, no, no, no. It is what it is in terms of flavor, but I feel like it means something to me. I feel like it means something to me. I think this is a Piazz done.

Oh, I think they're saying it's over and they're just gonna bring it back. With flavor. So people like Blake are like, it means something to me, that gum. It means something to me. Like remember when like they were like, we're closing Nate and Al's like,

isn't that shit back open? And everyone was writing like these diatribes on Instagram about like the first meeting I ever took about being a writer was it Nate Niles? Well, that's a classic American Los Angeles diner, right? Nate Niles? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. This is a gum. And I would say the fruit stripe gum is a quintessential gum for children across the country. Fruit stripe gum? No, juicy fruit. I think it's worldwide. You take juicy fruit over fruit stripe gum?

Fruit stripe was the one with like little zebras on it and shit. The zebra was cool. Yes, in tattoos and tattoos, like temporary tattoos. It doesn't mean anything to me. And it was bigger. You got way more pieces. I honestly want to say the first thing I ever bought with my own money was

Shrike go If you were to tell me that they're discontinuing a fruit stripe gun gun If you're to tell me that they're Discontinuing like now and later. I'm disturbed Then I would be they would do something to me, but fruit striped gum now and later Yeah, but they wouldn't discontinue now and later. No now and later's aren't aren't that good. I would I agree I actually hate now and later. Yeah, they're too hard. I can't I'm like this I'm like this is going to be living in my teeth. I can't get this out because you save it for later Sure, sure, sure. Okay, fair enough

You have some now and then some of it gets stuck in your teeth and that's the later when they're too hard They're kind of sharp too when they're hard. Yeah stiff man And can we chop can we chop that sound bite because I need that for the board when I'm too Yeah, I just like, I don't know. You need another four inches. Remember when you would suck the Jolly Rancher, the flat, long Jolly Rancher? You could suck it into a shank. Oh, dude.

And can I get that for the board? Everything that you would shlop into a shank as it can. And can I get that for the board? The Jolly Rancher, the big, flat Jolly Rancholly Rancher, you could just suck it in a way. Dude. Dude. That you could turn into a sharp ass shank.

Or like a candy cane when you just deep-throat it and then swab on it. Sure. Until it would get into a shank. Or like a raw cabasa. And you would just kind of nibble on the tip a little bit and just sort of like tease tease the tip of it Yeah, no, we were talking candy dude. Yeah, you get you get all sexual with it. Are you trying? I don't know. I feel like you're trying to do a joke or something. We're talking about candy. It's not all about bits here

Okay You brought up the gum. Ders can you tell us the tale of Rumpelstil skin right quick? You wish bitch. No, no, we got to do Ders's Kids story corner hunts hunts Christian unders stories. Yeah, what do you got dude? You got some man Humpty Dumpty. What do we got bro? Hit us with it Did he write the little mermaid is possible? Thank you. I think you I think you might have yeah a mermaid is possible. I think you I think you might have. Yeah. Class. Damn. I would love to hear that shit. Hans Christian Anderson. Is that right?

It's Christian Anderson. He's got some bangers, dude. That guy knew was I got a 500 page book of Hans Christian Anderson stories. I remember when you bought that. Yeah. No, sir, I don't like it. I bought it in college, but I love you. No, I bought it for you. No, I remember you at least having that when we were like, young and you were like, I have this 500 page book. And I was like, I don't know.

He carries it around all the time. He's fucking weirdo, dude. I was like, how many pages? Ooh. It keeps like windows propped open. It's thick enough to keep a window open, let it breeze in. Yeah, it's your doorstop. Yeah, sick.

This dude would pull up the second city with the fucking Hans Christian Anderson book like, have you heard the tale of Rumpelstiltskin? Yes. It was crazy. I only read it standing up. All of his references are the Goldilocks and Rumpelstiltskin. Tell us all this time, baby. I don't know why. He does have hella banger. So that you're like, Oh, that's him. You think it was all the same guy?

Yeah, all of Ders' improv beats where I'm gonna huff and puff and blow this door down. We're like, oh, well, we're in a doctor's office, but all right. Crossbows and mustaches is actually Hans and Fritz, the fucking... The first season of Workaholics was too cold. The second season was too hot. The third was just right. And then four, five, six, seven, eight. Dude, I'm reading like the list of things.

Oh, the Emperor's new clothes. We all know that. Oh, that one's actually really cool. That's where he just has public nudity. Yeah, he's all butt naked. That's when you just turn on CNN and they're all like, it's just the Emperor's new clothes. All right. That's Drake. Oh, topical. Hold up. Any takebacks, apologies. Any epic slams, boys? Oh man.

Hey, I just, I just want to take back anything I said that made Blake feel uncomfortable about usually jacking off standing up. I think it's cool for you. It's not necessarily what I prefer. Yeah. Yeah. I also was gonna bring that up. And it's not like I've never done it. I've definitely done it. Yeah. But I think we've all done it. It's weird how Blake was so kind of standoffish and defensive about how much he's done it or like where he does it Usually we're all very open and honest and it's cool and I'm sure I'm The ugly duckling flowers because we don't do that

But I think it is thumbelina. I would like to pay my respects to Blake for keeping some things for himself and having secrets Okay, and just to kind of the princess and the pea my respects to Blake for keeping some things for himself and having secrets. Okay. And just to kind of print the princess and the P. Yeah. And just to kind of build off what you guys are talking about, like fruit stripe gun, man, I'm going to miss you, man. Yeah. All right.

Oh, really? Yeah, we can end it there. All right. And that's another episode of this is important! What if I told you fairy tales had a darker side? He locked her in this dungeon, he ordered her to do this impossible thing, he threatened to kill her multiple times. That's one where Red and Grandma are just dead. She takes the frog and with all her might throws him against the wall. Join me, Miranda Hawkins, as we step into the twisted world of the Brothers Grimm.

Listen to the Deep Dark Woods on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Laura VanderKam. I'm a mother of five, an author, journalist, and speaker. And I'm Sarah Hart Unger, a mother of three, practicing physician, writer, and course creator. We are two working parents who love our careers and our families. On the best of both Worlds podcast each week, we share stories of how real women manage work, family, and time for fun, from figuring out child care

to mapping out long-term career goals. We want you to get the most out of life. Listen to Best of Both Worlds every Tuesday on the iHeart radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. History is beautiful, brutal, and often ridiculous. podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. can be oh so ridiculous.