This Is Important - Ep 44: Ride The Politically Charged C*m Slide

Episode Date: July 6, 2021

Today, this is what's important:Masturbating in public, pre-pre-cum, Hentai porn, stories from Blake's visit to Adam, how to sleep on a road trip, bachelor parties, Southern diners, shitting/pissing your pants, and more. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on iHeart. I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions like, can we create new senses for humans? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Inner Cosmos with David Eagleman on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Last season, millions tuned into the Betrayal podcast to hear a shocking story of deception. I'm Andrea Gunning, and now we're sharing an all-new story of betrayal. Ashley Lytton was helping her husband set up a business Venmo account when she discovered

a terrible secret. I saw a hidden folder, and I opened it. What the hell did I just see? Listen to season two of Betrayal on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Between April 1971 and September 1972, six young black girls were snatched off the streets in Washington, D.C. This child was laying on the side of the road. The person said, I murdered your daughter. The killer believed that he may have been seen. I will admit the others when you catch me if you can. Signed Freeway Phantom. Listen to Freeway Phantom on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to This Is Important, a production of iHeart Radio, the show where we only talk about

what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today we talk about... I jerked off into TJ Maxx once. Isn't that crazy? You make it to the toilet, and you still pass your pass? Sometimes I just push too hard to fart, and then, you know, some stuff comes out. We're gonna ride the cum slide the whole way, baby. Here we go. Start your engines. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. This is important. Hell yeah, this. You know this. Yeah, baby. I'm hella ant.

Blake, did you masturbate on a flight when you were a kid, watching some movie? What's up? Come again? Where is this coming from? Why are... What is this gotcha journalism right out the gate? Jesus. This is gotcha journalism. Well, no, you said it on another podcast, and I'm wondering why you're telling cool stories about masturbating on planes on other podcasts, and you're not mentioning it on our podcast when that's obviously a cool story to tell. Well, first off, I will shout out, yeah, but still a very friend of the pod, at least from this square of the circle. Yeah, I told that story on their podcast because we didn't have a podcast. Well, what is their podcast? You gotta call them out.

Yeah, but still is the podcast. Oh yeah, but still. Oh, I thought you were just saying a phrase. Yeah, Jack Wagner, Brandon Wardell. Yeah, big shout out to the pod. Okay, so you want to give us that story over here, or you've already burned it? Well, now I feel like they should go over to that pod and check it out there, but... Did you just hit the friendship button for them or for us? Yeah, what was that? For all of us.

The fuck is happening? No, no, no, no, no. Thank you, Ders. This is a friendship family. Oh, wow. I'm feeling very interrogated right now. Well, yeah, he jumped out the gate. He interrogated you. I didn't mean to. I just, I literally... You're pissed. Yeah, I'm pissed now.

You came out hot and I support you, but you came out hot. Okay, this isn't, I wasn't trying to get at my guy. I was just wondering. I just heard it. It was like five minutes ago, I heard this little clip of Blake telling this funny story and I'm like, why he never told this story? I feel like we've been telling jerk off stories, J-O stories all the time on this podcast. We're always telling some epic tales and Blake had just left this one in the cut when I feel like this one's prime for... Blake hit the button.

You lose. Oh, buddy. Whoa. Fuck it. No, the double diss. You know, it came very organically in that podcast. It wasn't like I was just like chomping at the bit to tell about the time that I J-O'd on an airplane in my youth. This is pre, this is pre come. How old were you? Let's dive in.

This is pre, pre. Yes. This is pre, pre. What's pre, pre? Just the air, the air shots? This was when you were, you was just dusted. Yeah. When you used to just kind of, and that was it. He was coughing the shot. Oh, by the way, I feel like a lot of women, a lot of females don't know that that was a thing.

Like I told Chloe, I was telling some story a few weeks ago and I tell Chloe this, she's like, what do you mean nothing came out? And I'm like, yeah, before you hit puberty, it doesn't come out. And I was a little late hitting puberty. I was like kind of the smaller kid. And so. No mess. He's the bae.

So there was, I was like bummed when it started to happen. And I'm like, I got to clean this up every time now. Right. Yeah. There used to be no evidence. Now all of a sudden there's evidence everywhere. There's so much evidence. Yeah. There's so much evidence.

Remember when it first starts, it's just like one clear tear drop. Oh, really? That's how you saw it? Well, for me, yeah, it was like, oh, it was like my dick cried one tear of joy. Huh. Okay. You see, you felt good. Yeah.

You are bringing back specific memories. This is so weird. Derz, you didn't do one single tear drop or you just started one day, the faucet turned on. And you were just. No, I just said you brought back like a very specific memory for me of that exact thing. Oh, you had. So you, you do remember when you just had the very first. I didn't remember until just now.

And I'm like, oh yeah, it was like, I think it was only pre, right? I think that was just what it was. It wasn't like a. It wasn't a load. This is important. I don't know if there was a load. I think it was just like pre. I do remember this too.

I'm thinking back to the first initial. Were we there together, Kyle? I remember yours. Yes. Wait, yeah. Were we looking at the same moon, Kyle? Same moon, Anders. You know it, buddy.

I do believe that mine went from like just only pre to a real just fucking wham bam. Thank you, man. Like a real banger. But how do you know that it's pre? How do we. I think it's the clear. Because the consistency, you know, come on, man, you've tasted your, I mean, you've seen your. Yeah.

But I mean, like at that time was the pre coming at the end or what I remember it coming at the end, I think it was just a tiny load. So you know what the prefix pre means, right? Yes, that means before. Before. Right. Yeah. But what does pre stand for?

It's probably Latin or some shit, dude. Premature. Yeah. Yeah, you figured it out. And that was a test, Kyle. Yes. And the smartest box in the square. What?

Wait, what do you think he just came up with? Premature. Premature ejaculation. No, no, because several words have pre in it. Pre is a prefix. Oh, yeah. Hey, maybe it's prefix. Maybe that's the word.

You think pre, you think. What? Hold on, what? It's definitely not premature is when you just before you thought you wanted to. Sure. So then pre come. Like you couldn't, like you couldn't control it. Sure, sure, sure.

Right. Premature ejaculation. That's what pre come is. Before you really come. Yes. That's what pre come is. So it's premature come. No.

No. What the fuck? How is this tracking? Premature ejaculation is like when you bust too quick. Right. That's premature ejaculation. But ejaculation is like a verb, right? That's an action word.

Pre come is a noun. So it's premature come. So what's pre coming? Kyle. Yes, points. That'd be the same as like ejaculation. Hey, buddy. I got an hour.

Hey, see guys, why do you think I come out the gate so hot? Because then we start off like a fucking firecracker. Fourth of July is coming up. Can't wait. Hey, baby. It's science. Dogs chasing our own pre come tales here. So what are you saying that pre come?

It's the stuff that comes before the come. Yes. Right. Prematurely, premature. But that's not premature ejaculation. Hang on a second. My boys are here. Hang on.

My kids just walked in. Hang on. What do you need? Yeah. Now you know. I don't care. Just don't eat it. Okay.

Anyway, go ahead. You heard it from your uncles. Now you know. All right. Cats out of the bag. That's what pre come is. Okay. Now shut up about it.

That shit's important. So pre come is just pre come. Isaac's saying a preposition previous to before. All right. Previous. Previous come. So pre, previously on come. Like it's just something that goes at the beginning of a word that means previous.

Like how like on at the beginning of a word like is that so it's the opposite. Like unlocked means it's not. How did words even start though? Hey, let's get into it. What? Yeah. Let's really unpack. I feel like we're the guys.

I want to rewind a second to when Blake was jerking off on this airplane. Okay. Who are you with by the way? Yeah. How old were you? Let's I want to I want some details here. Maybe you don't want to tell the whole story. Maybe we're only going to get part of the story.

But I think it's important. Well, and what's wild. I just got done texting my dad about how he listens to the podcast while he does his his biking. And I'm like, okay. Well, the way this cycling, he's a cyclist as well. Fitness, fitness. What's up, dad?

Well, the way this came about is I used to because I came from a divorce home, but I still would go in between. Why don't you cry about it? My mother and father's house. But I would take a plane to see my dad because he lived in Southern California. So I was an unintended minor on planes quite a bit. So how old were you when you started jerking off on planes regularly? Well, so this is what I was talking about on.

Yeah, but yeah. But still is we were talking about how like game pro magazines, there was a time when like Tomb Raider was the hot shit and like like virtual titties were like Lara Croft. Yeah, they were all up in the building. So I'd be flipping through the game pro and I'd see like Dead or Alive volleyball, which was like this DOA. I remember that. Yeah, where it was just like fake video game titties, but it got my young dick on.

Whoa, boy. So once again, how old? So it was last year. Why are we circling the ball here? I know. I'm trying to get any information. You're telling all the shit that we're not asking about. I'm asking your age.

I like it, Blake. I like your story, Blake. I like it too. I'm just saying he's being cagey with the details. I would probably say it was in junior high, right? That's probably when Tomb Raider was firing and I wasn't, you know, I was still shooting blanks. I wonder if we can find out exactly what flight it was because there's like records of this,

right? You were shooting blanks in junior high, bro. Oh my god. You know that about me. Full blown fucking. I was full blown loading. I was a late bloomer, guys. Sorry.

Big time late bloomer. Hey question, what? So I actually, I think like the hentai titties are pretty cool, but why is it that every hentai video, the like super hot chicks with the giant titties also have like a monster hog cock? What is that? There's not just one straight up sex. I don't know hentai very well.

I apologize. I'm also not in that world. It's like the CGI porno where you're like, you click on it and you go, this could be cool. And you're like, whoa, look how good the graphics have come. It's pretty hot. And then it's just a giant veiny hog on a woman. And you're like, it's not really my thing.

Is there any? Yeah. Well, it's some people's thing. Okay. Don't kink shame. Okay. Right. But it's all of it.

I'm saying, is there a little something for the freaks like me that's still like it natch natural cartoon? Well, have you looked up hentai woman, no dick? Yeah. Have you googled that hentai woman, no dick? That's too much. I don't want to get, I don't want to start googling. Then you're in the weeds.

Then you're a hentai guy. Okay. You don't want to be a hentai guy. Right. I don't want to be a hentai guy. And no, no offense to the hentai guy. Maybe try googling specifically what you'd like. I know, but like then I'm like seeking it out.

He's an accidental. He's like, oh, oops, this video. How did this come into the queue? I'm not a familiar. Sure. I got the rabbit hole. What is this? I did it.

You're stumbling. The ripping in the chair. What is this demon fucking woman here? I'll just click on that. That's right. Yes. Here's what I'll say about any animated pornography. It gets weird quick.

It's like a portal to bizarre stuff. No kink shaming, but it gets weird. It has a dark side to it as well. Well, we can kink shame. Yeah, we can kink shame some stuff. Because some stuff is fucking a bizarre world. Saying it's bizarre doesn't necessarily mean it's shameful. It's just saying it is bizarre.

Right? Well, let's dissect the word bizarre with the root or by. OK. So that means too, czar. Pre-bizarre. A czar was a king or a sultan in mid-century Russia, right? How old were you when you jerked off on flights, Blake? I was 20.

Yummy. I don't have a pinpoint date. I will try to find the game pro and that got me going. Will you tell us about the plane? The experience. The equipment, as they call it? What the experience? Did you wait?

Was it a nighttime flight? Was this midday? Were you going there in the middle of the morning? Tell me about the seat situation. Who were you sitting next to? Is this like a one seat on the other side and two on the other? Because you're just flying from LA from what airport to what? It's a 45-minute flight.

And what kind of pants? Are you rocking sweatpants? Are these sweatpants? This is middle school. You're unaccompanied. Who were you sitting next to? There's details that are foggy. But it was not a night flight.

It was like an afternoon flight. You're wild, man. An afternoon flight. An afternoon flight. And there was a gentleman sitting next to me, but he was sleeping. He was sleeping. Wait, oh, wow. Did you sleep attack?

A gentleman sleeping. There was a gentleman sleeping next to you. I know for damn certain, you guys must have had an instant in your teenage, horniest years that you jailed a time or place that was inappropriate or you just should have kept it on. Yeah, sure. Blake, we're not talking about us. It's in the hundreds if not thousands,

but we're talking about you right now. We didn't go on another podcast and talk about it, okay? Hey, yeah. See, we bring our dirty stories to this podcast. It was pre, this is important, so. And what does that mean, before? Yes, it was before we had. Oh, cool, thank you.

Thank you. So you were prematurely. This is important. I was prematurely spilling my J.O. beans on another podcast. Wait, so this is pre-precom, or this is pre... Okay, so you just did an air pop on an airplane. I did an air pop on an airplane pre-air pods. So we know that's the timeframe.

Well, that's the best time to do something like that when you're dry popping. Yeah. That's when you can get away with it. Tell your kids. Because you don't have to clean up anything. Well, let's not, let's not freeze it like that's when you can get away with it. No, this is what I'm going to tell my kids. It is, though.

Yeah, and that's why we are living in a worse time. We're now children when they're alone and they're just in their horny estate and they're just, they're jiggling on the flight a little bit and just the bounce is making their balls just kind of. Turbulent. Just kind of. Just right. Just off the air pressure.

Off the seat and the air pressure is kind of fucking them up. And you know, there's a stewardess there and she's a living woman. So that's crazy. She's a walking talking woman. And then there's a guy who's asleep next to you. Is that a weird thing that turns you on for no reason? That forearm hair he's got. Maybe you're watching Space Jam, Lola Bunny.

But nowadays everyone has a goddamn video camera in their pocket called a cell phone. And the kids are not safe to jerk off anymore. Right, thank you. You can't get away with nothing. Because what was the worst thing that was going to happen in the, dare I say, best decade, Blakey, the 90s? The worst thing that was going to happen is that guy's going to wake up and just see little fro-y Blake just all fro-ed out just yanking his meat stick.

Under a game pro. I got a big fucking boner right now. And that would be a weird encounter. You'd land. We'd have a laugh about it. You'd have a laugh. He'd tell my dad. The guy next to you definitely just gives you a nod.

He's like, been there. This is important. This is also pre-9-11. So he'd see my father as soon as we got off the flight and he'd be like, dude, your son, I caught him looking at Lara Croft. He's all right, all right. They all chest bump. He's all right.

I like how he backs you up. He's all right, all right. All right. Cartoon women? I guess he's all right. Tomb raider? I wish the Stortis came by and said something like, is that your peanuts?

And you thought you said peanuts and you really freaked out, but your peanuts are on the ground? Well, you know that's the greatest ace of denture a bit ever, where she's like, peanuts. Don't you have it? Or he's like, it's kind of hefty, but I consider it a carry-on. Don't you have it?

Yeah, I do have it somewhere. Yeah, it's bulky, but I consider it a carry-on. It's bulky, but I consider it a carry-on. There it was. Boom. Like, she's taking your trash and she's like, can I grab your nuts? And you're like, excuse me?

Right. And you're like, yeah, the rapper? And you're like, yeah. Yeah, of course. Do you mind if I lick your nuts? What? Well, if you're not going to eat them, what?

I love licking this to salt off them. I don't want the calories. Do you mind if I suck your cock? What? Idy, Idy, Idy, Idy, Idy. I mean, your salted nuts. I was talking to the farmer behind you. That's what you wish.

I mean, when you're a teenage boy, all you're thinking about is the possible porno situation that could arise. Yeah, just when you're a teenager. Teenage 20s, too. Also when you're in your 20s, too, right? I mean, that's true. That's true.

Sometimes I have drive-through interactions where I'm like. This is important. Kyle's over there like, I'm not dead yet. Yeah, I mean, you're allowed to help. I'm still a red-blooded and you're a gay man. Hell yeah. Okay, I'm allowed to imagine things, right?

Where you're going to take away my imagination. I never will. I already took away his president. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Thank you, God.

Fucking thing sucks. You know what's crazy? We're so politically charged, guys. I keep thinking about how charged we are politically. Us? Okay. Oh my gosh, it's incredible. Let's get politically charged, too.

Let's talk about it. Ross Perot, where do we stand? Yeah. Can I finish? Let's do it. Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish?

Can I finish? I want to get a lizard named Newt Gingrich. What else is funny and just political? Yes, points! We are, we're so political. Newt Gingrich, who stole Christmas. Oh, the Newt Gringrich, who stole the election, I'll tell you that.

Yeah. Oh, wow, wow. Yes, points! Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on iHeart. I'm a neuroscientist and an author at Stanford University, and I've spent my career exploring the three-pound universe in our heads.

On my new podcast, I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions so we can better understand our lives and our realities. Like, does time really run in slow motion when you're in a car accident? Or, can we create new senses for humans? Or, what does dreaming have to do with the rotation of the planet?

So, join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Inner Cosmos with David Eagleman on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Last season, millions tuned into the Betrayal podcast to hear a shocking story of deception.

I'm Andrea Gunning, and now we're sharing an all-new story of Betrayal. Ashley Lytton was helping her husband set up a business Venmo account when she discovered a terrible secret. I scrolled down, and that's when I saw a hidden folder, and I opened it. What the hell did I just see?

I was scared that he was coming home. What Ashley discovered that day was a secret so dark, she feared for her life. She was like, oh my god, I gotta get out of the house. He's gonna find out that I've seen this, he's gonna come kill me. Listen to season two of Betrayal on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

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I'm going to Chicago this weekend, guys. Okay. Whoa, that's politically hot. There we go. Hot button issue. The Windy City. What are you going to do there, dude? Yeah, what's going down?

I'm going to mostly eat hot dogs and then be with my family, too. Okay, cool. That'll be a fun trip. Yeah, it's like a July 4th. I haven't been to Evanston, Illinois in over two years. Whoa. Wow, that's a long time. Wait, so it's like summertime shy, right?

Haven't we heard like that's where dreams are? It's going off. Okay. Basically, it seems, because I've been in this little bubble here in South Carolina, Charleston for three months, and here COVID's been over for a while. But elsewhere, less so. So is Chicago like right back at it?

Are they fully open? I have friends in New York that are like, it's open. It's open, but it's, you know, it's a big city. So like, I'm sure there could be like just a spike and then everyone would be back throwing masks on. But you know, I feel like a lot of people have asked throw a mask on. You can still hit up a grocery store or like they might just,

because it's summertime, they might be like no dining indoors for a little bit. You know, who knows? That's my thing. You know, yeah. Dursy Fauci. You're going to find out. With me and Adam being on the South,

not to get freaking politically charged, but we're over here. Do it. Well, dude, we can't help it though. We can't help it. We're so charged. So charged politically. It drives us.

I need to know. Dude, the red, the blue, the donkeys, the elephants. For real. I guess green parties a thing. The bipartisan. Oh gosh, the birthday party. Oh, what's next? The birthday party.

That's Kanye's party. Yes. Oh, that's funny. Points. That was on the tip of Kyle's tongue. That's my president. Okay. Thank you.

Okay. We know. We know. We know. Blake, what were you going to say? Very clear. You seem pretty charged over there about something. Politically.

Yeah, you're charged. Kind of cool down a little bit. I could, I know. It's just like in the South, there's so much no masking and like nobody is really, like the rules are slightly. And you're being a bitch about it? Well, no, I'm starting to see my LA homies starting to post this shit. Like, I don't even fucking know.

Delta, I haven't watched the news while I'm out here. The Delta variant, bro. It's political. And they're like, we're masking up again. I'm like, I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't think I'm gonna. So I'm all good on that.

Did you jerk off on a Delta flight? That's damn right. That's the Delta, I know. That's the variant right there. That's the damn variant. Very fucking something. I don't know. It just is weird having the perspective of being like out

of Los Angeles and you just see how they really do head that shit. Like, I guess it comes from a good place. Like, let's be safe. Let's be careful. Let's protect everybody. But goddamn, I did not want to see that shit popping out. That's because there's about 10 million people all in a very small area.

Truly. Yeah, sir. Yeah, I do believe it's about population. For sure. Yes. Blake came and visited me this past weekend. I did. And no fair.

It was great. No fair. It was no fair. It was very, very fun. We had a blast. We did. And this is what Blake does the night before he's leaving. We go out, we party.

We have a great night. We drink until we close the bar down. It's like this bar on the beach. There's a band playing. We were sitting out by the beach. They were serving us drinks like well after they should have been. We're hammered. This is the way.

We drive the golf cart back home. It's good. I'm like, it's 2.30 at night. I'm like, hey, time to wind down. And I'm like, should we smoke a joint or something? And Blake goes, oh, fuck, dude. Oh, man. Shit.

Uh-oh. I'm still going to send it. And I go, what's up? And he goes, I didn't think they'd come. And I go, what's that now? And he goes, I invited some people over. And I got to go to bed, dude. I got to drive five hours tomorrow

because he was going to the Atlanta Hawks game. He was driving from Charleston to Atlanta. And I go, what? All of a sudden ding dong. There's five people at 2.33 AM at my house. Blake goes, oh, awesome. Good to see you. And I'm like, all right.

I guess we'll just make our way to the backyard, sit by the pool or whatever. And we make our way to the backyard. All of a sudden Blake is ghosting us. Nice. Whoa. Now more people show up. What?

They've invited people. And so more people are in my backyard. And this is your place. So now all these people, these are randos? No, these aren't randos. No, we're partying with them throughout the day. OK. We've been partying with them.

And Blake knew them from before. And they're all very nice people. OK. So they are acquaintances. These are not like, all right, that reframe is a story for me. But I had only met them this weekend. It's not like I know these people. So it's a little much that they know where you live.

Oh. Little much. OK. Well, they're not locals. It wasn't even that. It was the fact that it was 3 AM. Yes. And now Chloe's like, well, I'm going to bed.

It's 3 AM. So she goes to bed. And now it's just me just. And I don't, I'm, you know, I'm just, now it's 3 AM. We're all drunk. The only thing you can do in that situation is drink. Dance. Yep, drink, for sure.

It's just drink until you've ruined the next day. Like, fully ruined. Like, you go to bed at 3 in the 3 AM hour. You can savor the next day. But 5, 6 AM, you're fucked. Hey. Were they politically charged or just regular people? Dude, there wasn't that much charge-ness.

And I think that's why I wasn't willing to stay up until 6 or 7. It's tough. Right. Sometimes when you get in a good conversation, it's like going back and forth politically, like the time just flies, you know? It just flies.

What's the line you threw out? Did you say like, you know, guys, I'm going to call it? And then everyone's like, OK, are you just? No. I went the opposite. He sent it. I went the opposite way. I was like trying to clean my, I have a whole fridge

that's just beer. It's stocked. I was like, maybe we try to finish this motherfucker. I was like, we're going for it. That's fun. Yeah, I was like, what's the task at hand? And then they got to like 5 AM. And then I think they were like, OK,

he's going harder than we want to go. Right. We're bailing. And somehow there's not a, in Charleston, the Ubers are like damn near impossible to find. Somehow they got an Uber at 5.30 AM to come pick them up. And they're like, oh, good, this Uber came. We had a few that did cancel all this.

And I'm like, if you guys want a beer for the road. So you were still going. Yeah, I was going. And then the next day I go to like clean up all the beers. I'm handing them so many different beers. I'm handing them a bunch of Ashland. I'm like, taste this one, taste this one. Yeah, for sure.

I'm handing them all like coarse lights, everything. And there was like, everybody drank like five sips of each beer. Yeah, they were just all full. Yeah, everything was full. Because they were just like sipping. And meanwhile, I'm like crushing, going like another round. And they're like, oh, we're good.

It sounds like you were being a great host. Yeah, I was. Yeah, this doesn't sound like a bad thing. Yeah, it's cool that you went like really hard. You went great in the situation. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I know. It worked out.

But I'm saying I love that me and Blake are close enough that he felt comfortable leaving me in that situation. Now, Blake, what's your perspective on the situation? How did this, what did you do? I mean, that's about right. I mean, I threw out the bat signal to the homies we were partying with earlier, like earlier in the night. I'm like, hey, we're out at these bars, these bars.

And then I guess I was like, we're going to head to Adams. But they didn't get out there till I was like, my head has to hit the pillow. Because I had to drive all the way back to Atlanta. And if I would have gone to bed at five, I would have died on the drive for sure. Yeah, it was a really rough, it was a really rough next day. How far has that drive?

Five hours? Yeah, five hours. I got, I was talking to my homies the other day. And they brought back a story of when they were driving back from Madison to Chicago, Madison, Wisconsin, Chicago, they pulled Illinois, Illinois, Chicago, Illinois. It's correct. Yes.

OK, just going to get political. Dude, I'm charged. They were so hungover, they just pulled over on the side of the freeway and went to sleep in like the ditch for like an hour and a half. Dude, the thought crossed my mind. I was so close to doing that. Because they were like, I can't, I'm going to barf.

I'm going to, I'm going to crash. Let's just pass out. That's how MJ's dad was murdered. You can't do that. That's right. Yeah. You can't do that. No, not on the side of the road.

No, no, they weren't in the car. They went like to sleep in the grass. Oh, even safer. Amongst the snakes? How crazy is that? That's insane. You could have done that. But the thing is, this is 40.

You're like a 20-year-old college kid. We're getting older. We're making, we need to be making a little bit better decisions. I mean, I remember back in the day, me and Austin, Anderson, friend of the pod, we would drive up to Santa Barbara when we were like 18 years old. And we'd go to Santa Barbara, and then we'd walk around and look for open houses and meet the kids that were renting

their rooms, like on, what is that main drive called? Like Playa Vista, I think. Sounds real. Would go and be interested in renting a room. And then would be like, well, what are you guys doing tonight? Maybe we should party and see our future roommates. High-speed bro bon. And then everyone had parties.

So we did that like five different places. This is how like murderers prep people. Get all these people's numbers. And then at that night, we would just like call each one and be like, what are you guys doing? And they're like, hey, I made us up this party. These guys might rent a room. We just wanted to go party.

I'm still going to send it. And why did you want to do that up in Santa Barbara, as opposed to where you guys were in college? Just because it was a fun thing. It was a fun thing to go do. Because we hadn't experienced Santa Barbara yet. So we were just like, let's go up. And then we would end up.

We did this like three times. And we ended up. Would you crash at their houses? We did twice. And one time, this is what kind of percolated this memory, was once I tried to sleep in the car with Austin. Like we just pulled over on the side of the road and just started to sleep.

And he was snoring so loudly that I just slept in the yard next to the car. And I remember just people were jogging. I remember just a girl was jogging at 6.30 in the morning. And I'm like, Jesus Christ. Just shaking her head at you. I fucking rocked it. You just roll over and start doing push-ups.

And you're like, you got to get after it. I'm all right. Yeah. And just immediately go back to sleep. Early bird gets the worry out. I do push-ups in my own puke. There was a time when I was so drunk. And I drove down to Orange County from LA.

Allegedly. Allegedly. Goodbye. Allegedly. I drove down to Sea Blake at his father's house. And I was so wasted. And I think I did some cocaine that night. And then I made phone calls.

I remember making phone calls the whole way down and then finding a beach and then sleeping on the beach. And then. This is when the listeners go, yep, that's why he's the sober friend. Dude, I slept on the beach and woke up at 11 AM. And there was a volleyball game happening over me. That's amazing.

You just woke up. You need a fourth, man. Super sunburned. Dude, I was fully jean-jacketed out, too. Like, I was fully. I had jean-jacket on, sunglasses, pants, and just like. I bet you had a really sick trucker hat during that time, too.

I remember that, Kyle. I feel like there's a detail you're missing, Kyle. What's the detail? Kyle, did you not have like a fake silver grill in your mouth, like teeth? Yeah, it was probably, dude. Probably. I feel like you might have woke up with some fake,

like a fake grill in your mouth. Yeah. Do you think they thought you washed up from the shore? They thought you were a pirate. Oh my god, a pirate from another time. It's a shipwrecked man. That man is shipwrecked. It's a dirty brown water pirate.

Don't touch it. That's my best friend. It's just pre-Karl from Workaholic, so there's no explanation other than you were an insane Captain Jack Sparrow, probably pre-Captain Jack. Yeah, I feel like when we were younger, we were just more willing to sleep places that weren't

pliable. Yeah. Well, you don't run the numbers in your head of survival. You just go, yeah, I'm going to go to bed right here. I'm betting that in the Ozarks, I'm just going to find a corner of wherever we're sleeping, and I'm just going to do the hands and the armpits just laying on the floor style.

I hope that for you. That's it. I'm going to just sleep in a little owl's house in a tree, fold up in a little ball. Oh, Adam doesn't like owls. Sleeping at a bachelor party is honestly the hardest thing to get accomplished. Like, you don't have a room.

You don't have anything. You don't think about that when planning the bachelor party, and then like 20 people are on this house, and you're like, what the fuck are we doing? I love the dude in the bachelor party emails. There's like, yeah, but for real though, the bed situation. What's the deal? I just need my eight hours.

It's a free-for-all when you get to bed. Bachelor party email chains are the funniest thing, because it's just. It will be a free-for-all. There is no special treatment. Whoever gets off that bus or whatever we're using to pick all you guys up first and gets into the rooms, that's yours, mine.

It's yours. But Adam, what you're saying makes sense, but bachelor parties don't make sense, because somebody's going to knock out early and be in your bed, and you're going to be like, oh, fuck. And that's when you throw. If you throw a piece of pizza up my asshole, I'm going to kill you at your bachelor party, buddy.

Yeah, but that would be good for the pod, man. You got to do it for the pod. That's true. We're going to livestream the entire thing. Drama. Do it for the pod, man. You have to bet you it's important. Maybe I'll get like a fucking tent or something

and just like plan on going outside. Yeah, that could be cool. Maybe that's the move. You think nobody's going to be in that tent? I'm going to fuck with you, bro. If you're in a tent out there, I'm going to be a bear. We're cuddling. We're keeping each other warm, Derris.

What are you talking about? There's some things going to happen in that tent, man. I'm excited for what goes down in the tent. 69, Derris! We're like one of those hammocks, like a pocket hammock or something. That's probably a good move. That's a good move.

Yeah, those hammocks that are like nylon, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, five guys will definitely piss on you. Yeah, just kick me. Just fucking kick me and try to swing me around and shit. Five late 30s, damn near 40-year-olds are going to be peeing. I like to practice my drop kicks on the dude on the hammock. Yeah, I'll be sleeping in here.

There's a pile of shit in here, huh? OK, all right, I guess I will be sleeping somewhere else. Yo, let's drop kick this thing. OK, hammocks ruined. OK, all right, hammocks ruined. Cow tried to go to bed at 9 o'clock. Damn. I'm tired, dude.

I'm fucking tired, bro. I'm just bringing a pill. I think I want to bring like a little camping pillow. It's all I need. Hands and armpits, passing them. Well, Blake just stayed here with me this past weekend and he didn't undo the covers. Didn't get under the covers.

He's a monster. He slipped on top of the covers, and it also doesn't even look like he used a pillow. Did I do that? Well, yeah, Blake's nuts. He didn't get under the covers, and it seemed like he went out of the way to not use pillows. But this is the same dude who, in hotels,

will not sleep on the bed. He'll just sleep on the floor with the comforter. Oh, yeah, what the fuck is that? Weird, wild stuff. He'll sleep on the floor next to the bed. That's my weirdest friend. Blake is the weirdest guy I know. The fact that he just invited a bunch of people

over since 3 AM, then goes to bed, then doesn't go underneath the covers, very nice. It's a very nice house. These guest rooms are great. I could see if this is like a dorm room or something, and you're like, I don't know. There might be all kinds of weird shit underneath here. It's like, these are linens.

Blake, you could have slept with linens. These are linens and things. Honestly, I think, in my mind, I don't do it because I get hot easily when I sleep, so I just sleep on top. We also, first night, explained to him how the thermostat upstairs worked. I was like, this is yours, so you can do it whatever.

If you like it really cold, you can just put it really cold, and he's like, right on. He did not touch the thermostat. Slept on top of the covers, though. In his clothes. In his clothes, for sure. Yeah, I didn't peel down. It just didn't get comfortable.

Like, didn't even try to get comfortable. What's up with that? I can't do that. I run hot. I gotta get the clothes off. I mean, I was exhausted. I was done. Sure.

Yeah, we were going hard, man. Yeah, we went. Probably sleep better under the covers, man. True. Like in a nice, cool room. I don't know why I was so tired. Yes, it's because I sleep on the floor. I slept in my jeans on top of the bed.

Dude, the more, I think, like that weird drunk sleep where you're not awake, but you wake up like you didn't sleep at all. Yeah, it's called alcohol poisoning. You're almost dead. Hot, hot, hot, hot. You know that weird sleep? It's not sleep necessarily, but you can't move

and the room is spinning. You know that? Sleep paralysis. Yeah. It's when the grim reaper visits you. You know that? Yeah, we know. We know it well.

We had a lot of fun this weekend. That's all I'll say. Well, I will say that it took like so long to not be drunk for me that next day. Like I understand why you had to stop drinking because you drink until 5, 6 a.m. You would have been drunk for part of that drive home and you don't want to do that.

Yeah, no. I was making the responsible choice by going to bed at three in the morning. Would you eat for breakfast before you left? How'd you get your mind right? He didn't even grab coffee. We have coffee here. What'd you do for five hours?

You hit a gas station? I called him like a half hour into his drive when I woke up. He's like, yeah, I left like half hour, 45 minutes ago, so I'm like that. And I'm like, oh, cool. You get anything to eat here? And he goes, no, I really could use a coffee

or something, though. And I'm like, you didn't stop to get yourself something? And he's like, no. Even before you left the house? Dude, leaves no trace. This cat, you don't know where he's been. Where he's going. It's not malicious, dude.

I just don't think about it. You're a stupid dumbass. It's wild, though. I forgot to eat last week. Yeah, there's a kitchen there. There's coffee pods right there. God, it'd be nice. Look, I had like half a can of Coke Zero in the car

from the day before. So I kind of weaned off of that. Truly insane. So you're good to go. You're good to go. Wait, so when you went to the gas station, because it's a five hour drive, you got to go. Yes.

You ain't going side and just get like a fucking Doritos. Jerk off? Oh, I thought you were going to get a GameStop. What's it called? GameStop. Yeah, Blake, we've established you like to jerk off in weird scenarios. Did you kick it in the car?

Did you feel the need? Did you do it? I'm reformed, man. That's not how I get down anymore. That was junior high. That's not how you are anymore. You didn't get like Doritos or like a fucking Twix or Skittles? Skittles?

I would have loved a Twix. I would have loved Skittles. Those would have been delicious, but here's the thing. Yeah, one-two punch. Best case. I was headed straight for the Atlanta Hawks game, and we had a box where there was a whole, like going to be a whole buffet.

So I saved room. Five hours later after drinking all day and all night. Right, it's on the prize. That's why you're a natural hardbottom. Were you able to stop and like clean up or anything? Or did you just go straight there? You know what I would have done? I would have stopped at a diner by myself.

Yes. Oh, yeah. I would have gotten a weird, like, what's great about the South is you're driving on these backcountry roads, and they're just like a legit old school road. Roads? Toaster! Sorry.

On the backcountry roads, and there's like a legit old school cute diners everywhere. My man loves cute diners. You could have just stopped at one of them, had yourself a pancake, an egg, had a few cups of coffee. Dude, a southern slam? Just some biscuits and gravy? Yeah, you could have done that.

And then got on the road, dude. Well, I will say like. Hitticanes? What he did is he didn't stop. He didn't drink one drink of water. He just white-knuckled it for five hours straight. He did, right? Until he was at the Atlanta Hawks Game.

Well, because I will say that on the drive up to you in South Carolina, I did like stop off to go to like a truck stop, like, oh, this will be cute. This little diner or whatever, there's a big sign. I pulled up, and it just kind of wasn't cute at all. It felt kind of backwards to me. So I'm like, nah, I'm going to go. Yeah, but that's the cool shit, dude.

You got to get a little backwards. You look like you act like. Try the chili. I know you don't think you fit in, but with that hair, dude, you fit in. I don't know. I didn't see a lot of long hairs out our way. No, no, no, no.

I've seen Easy Rider. Have you seen Easy Rider? They get smoke just for being long hairs in that movie. Yeah, that was 1967 or something. Yeah, that was a while ago. Oh, yeah, fucking Easy Rider. That shit's troublesome. Again, a half century ago.

Oh shit, that shit that did happen in a movie 50 years ago. That shit is troublesome. But here's what I'm thinking. Here's what I'm thinking. So you got to the game. You went straight to the game as we've established. No shower, no wipe, your nuts, nothing, right? No, he changed clothes.

Blake is a cleanly man. He did that, yeah. Oh, okay. But as far as you get there, you didn't eat first. Did you grab a drink first? You grabbed a drink first, you know? Well, you had a beer before you ate anything, right? That is right.

Absolutely, I got a Nicolò Voltra. They were free. And then what did you eat? Well, they had a nice bread, I had two hot dogs, I had two slices of pizza, I had some chicken, I had some coleslaw, I had a salad. And then you beat up? Hey, when you heard the dribbling of those balls,

did it get something inside of you just kind of going? Did you have to dip off into the bathroom? You heard? The squeaking of the shoes? No, I don't go to the bathroom. I was just in the box with everybody else. I just threw like one of the free t-shirts over my lap and then just get it done, dude.

Yeah, everybody's like, why is he going so apeshit over this free t-shirt? They're like, me, me, right here, right here, me, me, me. They're like, ah, I guess Blake Anderson really wants this free t-shirt. Here you go, buddy. Can I get another one? Oh, yes, yes.

Let me get a couple over here, dude. I don't know, yeah, he just piled above his lap and sits right there. It's like, it's pretty chill, I guess. It's a joke, he keeps ending them. It's funnier, the more I get, it's funnier. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on iHeart.

I'm a neuroscientist and an author at Stanford University and I've spent my career exploring the three-pound universe in our heads. On my new podcast, I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions so we can better understand our lives and our realities. Like, does time really run in slow motion

when you're in a car accident? Or, can we create new senses for humans? Or, what does dreaming have to do with the rotation of the planet? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Inner Cosmos with David Eagleman on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Last season, millions tuned into the Betrayal podcast to hear a shocking story of deception. I'm Andrea Gunning, and now we're sharing an all-new story of Betrayal. Ashley Lytton was helping her husband set up a business Venmo account when she discovered a terrible secret.

I scrolled down, and that's when I saw a hidden folder, and I opened it. What the hell did I just see? I was scared that he was coming home. What Ashley discovered that day was a secret so dark she feared for her life. She was like, oh, my God, I gotta get out of the house.

He's gonna find out that I've seen this, he's gonna come kill me. Listen to season two of Betrayal on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Between April 1971 and September 1972, six young black girls were snatched off the streets in Washington, D.C.

It took four murders before the police finally realized that one person was responsible. I will admit the others when you catch me if you can. Signed freeway fan. This child was laying on the side of the road. It appeared that she was probably either dragged out of the car

or thrown out of the car. The person said, I murdered your daughter. The killer believed that he may have been seen by the mother. That guy is, he's out of sync with even the worst people. I thought that they would catch him. I thought it was just a matter of time. Is it possible that the killer is still alive? Listen to freeway phantom on the iHeart Radio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I jerked off in a TJ Maxx once. And this was important. Damn, son, where'd you find this? I think we might be a little premature on the ending. I'm a man! Wait, did you, because you remember like the most legit hiding spot when you were like in the department stores?

Was you'd go through the clothes into the middle? Oh yeah, the best. No, it wasn't. I must have been like 12, 13, something like that. I was at the register. And yeah, I was at the register. I just locked eyes, beautiful. Looked like a wolf, this dude.

And no, I was sitting in a chair. I'm like waiting for my mom to buy shit. And it's just TJ Maxx. There's just shit everywhere. I'm listening. There's not a lot of people around. I'm like wearing a big jacket. And I'm like wearing a coat.

It's winter in Nebraska. And I just jerked off. I was bored. It was out of boredom. It was like a jerk off out of boredom. And but then I noticed a security guard who was kind of looking at me. And it's kind of hard to jerk off and not like move your arm.

So I think he probably was like, this motherfucker's jerking off in this TJ Maxx. But then I couldn't stop because I was too far down the process. So I just kept going, even though I'm pretty sure I was already spotted. Yeah, like you spotted your pants like you were preying? You were preying?

Was that the first time you preying? Yeah, the pants were messed up. What I did is I went in the bathroom afterwards and threw them away. Oh, I've done that. And you're like, mom, I want to buy these pants. I'm going to wear them out of the TJ Maxx. You threw your pants away?

You threw your undies away. No, not the pants, the undies, the undies. Yes. Yeah, I threw my undies away when I sharded. My Joe Boxers, my Joe Boxers. Oh, Kyle, do tell about your sharding. Oh, lots of, I've sharded them. So you were jacking off and then sharded?

Well, yeah, I was jacking off. That was all clean. This was pretty, no, dude, I just thrown my undies away because I have shipped myself before. Like, wow, on a shift at Brendan Theaters. Dude, me too. We both shitted our pants at the same job. Do you guys think you ate something?

What happened? I think we threw them out in the same place too, right? Like that next door spot. Fuck it, I love teriyaki. Did you throw them out there? Yummy. You guys ate a place called I Love Teriyaki. It was bomb, dude.

They'd give discounts to everybody who worked at Brendan Theaters, and it was very delicious, but it was rich. Yeah, it was, it was very rich. So you guys, like, it's happened to me, it must have been a few times, but just the one time that I really remember it was the stand-up comedy night that I said in one of the very first podcasts. The whole turd.

Where, yeah, the whole turd came out and I put it in the pot of plant wrapped in napkin. But this, it sounds like it happens fairly frequently to you, Kyle. Why do you think that is? Do you think it's all the veggies? Do you think maybe you need a little? No, no, this is something that's been going on

since I was the meat eater. I just have, like, leakage. Oh, you got a seepage situation. It's a seep situation, yeah, just like. A loose-o? What are we thinking? Like, your spankter's loose? You blew your O-ring?

No, sometimes I just push too hard to fart and then, you know, some stuff comes out, you know? It's like, that's what happens. It is a delicate dance, and sometimes you're like, I got total control of, nope, I just shit my pants. I have a fart right now if you guys would like to hear it. Would you like to hear it? Okay.

Yes, yes. Yeah, I don't. I don't. What? Oh, my God. What? Dude. Was that real?

Stereo, surround sound. Now in Dolby. That didn't sound real at all. Was that real, Bam? That smells real, Bam. Smells real. My God. Yeah, yeah.

Is it real? I have great farts, like fantastic farts, and I always want to hear them, and I always want to give my best. Oh, my God. And sometimes it's shit. If I may. You may.

I just want to say, like, based on hearing the snap crackle and pop of your butthole, it does not sound like it's very tight. Like, I feel like things would slip out of that. Correct. That's what I'm saying. There was like extra clappage. Just from the audio, you could tell

that things could slide out. Yeah, I mean, it just had a flatness to it. You know, kind of like a little too loose and slappy, you know? Yeah, it popped. I got the poo on me. It popped. Correct. Yes.

Yes. Correct. Yes, that's an incorrect assessment. And then you gave it, I thought it was all done, and then you gave it extra. Yeah. Which tells me, that's when you're really playing with fire. That's when seepage happens.

Right. It's also when the funniest farts happen, when you think you're done and then you hit them again. You know what I mean? Yeah, of course. A little pulsing action is good for the comedy. It's science. We're not saying it isn't.

Right. Right. But yes, it comes with a raw deal, where sometimes you shit yourself. Yeah. Hey, man, you play with fire, you get burned, you know? The raw deal of shit yourself every once in a while. I agree, brother.

Well, you know when it started happening, when I was like obsessed with lighting my farts on fire? Oh, right. Torquing? Are we talking about torquing? Wait, torquing. Torquing. Is that what you call it?

Torquing? Yeah, we call it torquing. Oh, that's torquing versus torquing. It's not torching? We called it torquing. Why did you call it that? And this is just lighting your farts on fire. What's the reason?

I don't know. That's how I learned it at summer camp, and I used to fucking torque it up. You know what I think happened? I think they said torching. You said torquing. No one told you otherwise. Then you took that home from Southern as a summer camp.

From Southern camp. Southern camp. Mama, they're out here torquing. They teach you how to be more Southern. Do you think that? Because torquing doesn't make any sense. Torching makes perfect sense. I will say a couple of things.

That's possible. I'll say that's possible. Secondly, does it have to make sense? Half of this shit never makes sense. What's chorging? Chorging makes a lot of sense to me. Chorging sounds. What is it?

It's an onomatopoeia. Let's leave it to the people out there. Sliding is DM's. Let them know if torquing is a thing. Is it torquing or is it torching? But yeah, that was a very fun. I'm not saying if it is one or the other, because I'm sure there's variants out there, like Delta.

There's variants. It's the Delta variant. Call it whatever you want. It's tight. If people have never heard of torquing before, let me know. T-O-R-K-I-N-G. It's that something. Oh, it's a K.

It's not even a Q. Q-U. Oh, right. Torque down. Cool. Yeah, but I was very good at lighting my farts on fire. And I definitely did it every time I possibly could. And this has been an episode.

And you guys were, I mean, you guys were Bay Area. Like that? The suburbs, 45 minutes outside of the Bay Area. And Tom Hanks. Where Tom Hanks is from. Home of Tom Hanks. East Bay Area. Yeah, Bay Area, 45 minutes away from Oakland.

Where Tom Hanks is not from. Not 45. 30, but yeah. But so you guys would sag your pants down so fucking far. Correct. So your whole asshole is hanging out. And so there's just one tiny little thin piece of fabric between an open flame and your gaping, gas-leaking asshole.

Yes. Well, we thought that was the safe way to do it. Because Blake, didn't your dad have a horror story about, like, when he did it bare-assed? And his asshole actually sucked to the. Yeah, you don't do it. You do it through your pants, too, though. You could do it through your jeans.

His asshole actually sucked the. I don't know if it was your dad who did this, but one of his friends. Well, this is what I was about to ask you guys. Well, now that we know your dad listens to the podcast. So does. I'm pretty sure it's your dad that this happened to. And what does he call it?

Dad, it wasn't. No, that was what I was about to ask you, dudes. I was like, did you hear the urban legend where some kid kind of was trying to light his fart on fire and the flame sucked up into his asshole and burned his intestines? And you got. I believe that 100%.

Right. You do. Yeah, no. And I thought that was your dad that that happened to. No, my dad's asshole is fully functioning to my knowledge. Goodbye. See, so I thought I was being safe by going through the pants, but I think I might have fucked up my ass and caused a seepage.

So this is the root. You have like a charred hole. Wait. Yeah, I think this. That's right. I couldn't draw a correlation between lighting my farts on fire. I can draw a picture of my butthole free.

Free hand from memory. And it's just a black blob. Just squat over a mirror and give me a charcoal draw. I can draw a picture of my butthole, pre and like holding your nuts up and just kind of yeah. I think it caused seepage. Be careful out there, kids. Just be careful.

Yeah, careful torquing or torching or whatever you call it. And do it. If you're going to do it, do it through your underwear and your shorts or pants or whatever. At least underwear. At least underwear. So I jerk off in TJ Max's. Blake is a notorious airplane jailer.

He's the base. Perfect. Always. Kyle's shits his pants more often than not. Yeah. Does. What's up? What's your thing?

Where did you jerk off or what happened with your poops? Or do you? What's your deep dark secret? You just pissed on yourself all the time? Your peas? You got a drip drop peas? I do love this podcast. Friendship.

I don't know. The one like truth or dare or like little girls. Hey, where else were you gross or violating? The one thing that pops in my head, I think I told the story about when I shit at South by Southwest in the shower and then later at the like converse like giveaway store we were at. Oh, and we were all together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Yeah, what happened though? I don't know what happened. I was there. I didn't tell the story. I do remember this. And this is adulthood too.

So this isn't even we were telling like you starting the career is we're talking just as like eight years ago or something. So yeah, after drinking beers for like 48 hours, you know, you're in awesome. You're pounding some lone stars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So getting ready for the day because we kind of get like. This is important.

This is the way we get carted around, right? We get carted around all this stuff. There's kind of like an agenda. So like, hey, shower, meet us down here. So I'm like, all right, I'm in the shower like Kyle. I'm like, all right, I got fired. I'm just going to rip it. Sorry.

And then I just shit into the shower and I was like, whoops. Just kind of, okay. I think this is why I don't shit. And I, I, I'm never forcing parts out. Farts sometimes leak out of me. I think that's the issue. Yeah, but I didn't, I didn't want to. That's, well, that's leaking.

Anyway, um, no, but diarrhea in the shower is diarrhea, diarrhea, so then we go to this converse like giveaway thing and it's set up in like a house or something, right? Do you guys remember this? They had like an American flag made out of white and blue shoes. I'm just too very cute, cute installment. There's two bathrooms. One has a line and I'm like, I'm going to shit my pants.

Uh, the other one, um, has no line, right? So I go in that one, it's just got a toilet and I'm like, well, I'll go, I'll take a piss because we were just slamming beers. So I piss and I'm like, while I'm pissing, I just shit my underwear. Right. And so it's just a toilet. There's not even a sink in there. There's not even a garbage can, right?

And I'm laughing extra hard because I know out of the four of us, Derz would be the funniest to have this situation happen to. And it's like, it's like 95 degrees and I'm like, okay. So I get my underwear off and I just bunch them up in my hand. And then I go and I like stay awesome to Isaac. I go, no, I go, yeah, toss my manager. I say, manage this and that, or maybe I kept them on fuck. I don't know, but I go and stand in the other line for the other bathroom

because I see that it's got like full everything in there. Um, and then I get in there, get the underwear off, bury it under like all the paper towels that are there, wash my hands and get the fuck out of there. And then I was just free-balling it for the rest of the day. Um, fully chafing, you know, no thigh gap here. So, um, sounds like you handled it like a pro. Sounds like you MacGyvered your diarrhea. Well done, dude.

But here's, here's the one that stuck out in my, uh, memories is that I was at church one time, right? And the one time Derz went to church. Well, no, my, my parents took me to the hella church as a kid. Um, I just didn't believe it. So hella church, so much church. It was, it was not fun for anybody, including the people there. But so we were like, we were like singing and I wiped my ass with the

homily, we were getting ready for like singing or choir or something like that. Right. And I'm like, Hey, I want to go to the bathroom so I can just bail. They're like, okay, hurry back. So I go to the bathroom and they have urinals that go all the way down to the floor, you know, those ones, right? The best ones. And they put ice in the bottom of them.

Yeah, I love pissing on that. Yeah, that's right. This church, not in this Lord's, this Lord's house. Uh, it wasn't a sports stadium. So I'm in sweatpants because I'm like 10, I guess. And I just point my deck straight down. I'm like looking up at the ceiling. Like, I got your in sweatpants at church.

It's like a youth, like daytime. Okay. It's like a youth thing. Yeah. You might do a climbing wall or something. What kind of a church is this? That doesn't check out. Um, I don't know.

It was like, you're a liar. Yeah. Sweatpants at church. Not at my church. All right. Anyway, everyone at home is like, this story is so boring. Can we just get through it? So I'm, I'm, I'm taking a piss, like pointing down at the bottom of the

year when I just like kind of look up at the ceiling. And then I look down when I'm done pissing and I'd pissed all over my sweatpants. Oh, that is a bummer. You drenched them almost entirely. Right. And I'm like, I feel like I've had that. Yeah. Fuck.

So I got like a long shirt because it's Blake. What decade is it? 90s, baby. Yeah, baby. So I'm like stretching the shirt. There's no way to fucking dry it. I got to go back in there. I go back to like this room where they're doing choir or whatever.

And I just sit and I pull my shirt over my knees. Like they used to do in the 90s. Kids stretch through or whatever. And so they were like, okay, we're going to like get up and do choir. And I was like, I'm not doing it. And they were like, what is your problem? I'm like, I don't want to do it, but I'm like covering my fucking whatever. They're just like, fine, you stay there.

And then they like, when did it like in front of me? Like we're all like rehearsing the thing. Then like finally, she's like, you know what? I've had enough and it's been, it's probably been 20 minutes or a half hour. Who can piss your pants? And she like grabs my arm. She pulls me up and I look down and it's fully dried. Thank you, God.

Thank you, God. And that's when I was like, this God guy is pretty cool. Oh my God. He's got my back. That is the way the Lord works. Did you believe after that? No, what I found out was that there was a guy in the urinal holding, holding my dick down that I didn't see.

And then the same guy was under my chair the whole time, blowing it dry. What? Oh my God. He's in jail. Yeah. Now this checks out. Okay. This is important. There we go. This was an elder, but I could not believe it was dry. It was crazy.

I was like, I would say that would drive a man to believe in. That's a miracle. The Lord works in mysterious ways. I've done. That's awesome. Because I got I got these big ass thighs, right? So sometimes. Yummy. Hot, hot, hot, hot.

Sometimes when I sit on a toilet, they press together and then it like wedges my dick up, my dick goes like shink underneath me. Right. And so then I will. What? Underneath you? Hold on a second. Kyle, will you draw that guy? Well, no, I'm trying to draw. I'm trying to figure that out.

What are you saying? Kyle, draw me like one ear buttholes. Show us. Just show us like how Blake showed us the fruit basket. I can't really. No. It wedges your dick up underneath your bum. Yeah, because because my legs are pressing together and I do my best to

stick it all the way down, but I'm looking at my phone. I'm not doing, you know, and so like this happens to me. Yeah, I know exactly. And you shoot through the seats and you shoot through the the seat and the the bottom and then it hoses the back of your pants. Yeah. So it's you pissed yourself, but somehow in the back that I will then grab a hairdryer.

Oh, my God. Drive. So I think like I've had at parties before where people think I'm just in their blow drying my hair for like five minutes. Be right out. Yeah. And people like, what the fuck? And I'm like, you know, you just act like you pissed yourself.

They fix it. Yeah. Fix in my hair. It's in my hair. Oh, you mean like, oh, I pissed myself. I'm using the hair dryer. Oh, yeah. Sure.

I pissed myself. Well, I was really in there drying the back of my pants because I pissed myself because I got fat thighs and wedged my dick up and it points directly through the little cap. And they pee out the little tiny hole between the top and the bottom. If there's any consolation, it happens to everybody. Like it's not, I don't think it has to do with your thighs. Well, these guys are asking like acting like it's never happened.

No, it's not happening to me. That's because I think it's because the way you're describing it, it's like inconsequential. Like it doesn't just, if you're taking a piss. It's more about your thighs. Yeah. Well, that's how I, what I imagined what the issue was. Yeah.

Does, does, it's happened to you, Kyle? Or because you looked at me like I was a fucking lunatic a minute ago. You guys didn't see the look at home? Well, no, I just didn't quite get, I didn't quite get the visual. I didn't quite get it. Okay. But now that you get it, have you done that to yourself? I mean, I have, yes, I've, yes, I've missed the mark.

Yes. Yeah. Okay. I like that we're peer pressuring Kyle into admitting he's pissed his pants. Yes, you have. Yeah. Yes, you have. No, I haven't, that's not, I've pissed on my pants while sitting and taking a shit.

Sure. Yes, you fucked it up. Like, yes, yes, yes. Isn't that crazy? You make it to the toilet and you still pissed your pants? You still pissed your pants. Yeah. That's fucking nuts.

That's life, brother. Like, has that happened to you? That's happened to you before. Yeah, I've, I've been sitting peeing and pissed through the seat. Okay. That shit's important. Yeah. So this is like a global phenomenon that the men aren't talking about.

And this is why we have this platform, guys. So we can really get out in front of these hot button issues. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What's the fix politically? Yeah. No, you don't charge me up. Charge it up, man.

Do not charge me up. How do you fix this? Who's, which party is going to fix this? Yeah. Okay. I don't know. Left, right, up, down. Who knows?

I'm too charged. All right. Hey, before we get too politically charged here, does anybody have any takebacks or apologies? Handouts, handouts, refunds. I would like to apologize right up top, but I didn't mean to come at him. You know, I wasn't trying to come at him. So many times. I was just trying to get a fun topic going.

I just listened to a snippet of the other podcast where Blake told the jerking off to Tomb Raider's story. And I'm like, I was like, well, he should talk about that on our broadcast. Yeah, that's fertile. That's fertile. That's fertile ground. I wasn't, I wasn't trying to come after you. And so I would like to apologize to Blake if, because I knew he was on his heels right away. Right, guys?

We were all kind of going at him and it felt like he was on his heels and I don't want him to feel like that. Right. No, it's OK. It's OK. I just, I know when we kick off a pod with Come, we're going to ride the Come slide the whole way, baby. Yeah, we're on that way. True, true, true, true, true, true, true. And those are some of the best.

This, I mean, the name of this one should just be Come and Shit, right? Come and Shit. Ride the Come Slide. This is coming important. Oh my God. We're sick. Ride the Come slide with the boys. We're sick.

This is important. We need help. Hey, we're kind of nasty. Yeah, I'll apologize to Adam. My bad for just peacing out on the party right when the people I invited got to your place. True. I had to get that Hawks game, but it sounds like you handled it like a champion. So I'm proud to say you're my friend.

I think I handled it OK. Yeah, do you think that maybe, and you know, I haven't gone to any counseling, but maybe there was some deep-seated thing about that, that that's why I came at you unintentionally, maybe a little hard. Oh, vengeance. Yeah, maybe that was a vengeance, Polly, and I didn't even realize that, you know? Maybe. I don't know, Adam, you refuse to go to any sort of therapy, so I don't know.

There's no, I've never done therapy. I don't know the right terms. And we'll never know. Yeah, we'll never know. I don't know how that beautiful mind works, brother. Maybe. You got me. Got you, dude.

I'll compliment you, Anders, for handling that shard attack, like with Grace and just being wonderful out there in Austin. I was right there next year, and I don't remember it. And I just can't believe that you handled it and did all that. And just, yeah, I told you guys, like, after the fact. I was also told. I don't listen to you that often. Yes, I remember this story, but vaguely, just because you played it so cool.

Grace, Grace is what Kyle, the word, is. Grace and composure, like killer grace and composure under shard attack, killer drop, really good stuff. I feel like South by is a pretty good place to have it go down because everyone's drunk. Yeah, a lot of people have shit their pants at South by Southwest. Yes. Yeah. Most people have, if I would, if I would, people have. Yeah, if I had to guess, it was 60% for sure.

Shitty pants. I'm shitting my pants 95% of my life. Beautiful. I do have a take back. I just want to take back all the time I spent in church. If I could, if I could just get that back. Whoa. Thank you, God. Wow, even as the Lord reached down with his hot breath and dried your little

boy's sweatpants off and this is what he's doing. And look, and here's the deal. Like, do I appreciate this? This is when he's carrying you. This is when there's one footprint in the sand, one footprint in the puddle. Look, I appreciate it. It was, it was nice. It was a nice try.

But it didn't get me. Okay. Thank you, God. Perfect. All right. Hey, guys. And this has been another episode of... This is important.

This is important. Important. Important. Wow. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on iHeart. I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions.

Like, can we create new senses for humans? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Inner Cosmos with David Eagleman on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Last season, millions tuned into the Betrayal podcast to hear a shocking story of deception. I'm Andrea Gunning, and now we're sharing an all-new story of Betrayal. Ashley Lytton was helping her husband set up a business Venmo account

when she discovered a terrible secret. I saw a hidden folder, and I opened it. What the hell did I just see? Listen to Season 2 of Betrayal on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Between April 1971 and September 1972, six young black girls were snatched off the streets in Washington, D.C. This child was laying on the side of the road.

The person said, I murdered your daughter. The killer believed that he may have been seen. I will admit the others when you catch me if you can. Signed Freeway Phantom. Listen to Freeway Phantom on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.