This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 001 / Confidence Is Always Built From The Inside Out

Episode Date: January 14, 2020

In this episode, Nicole talks all about confidence - what it is, what it isn’t, how to get more of it, and what it feels and looks like when you have it. As women, we often trail behind our male counterparts In taking risks. We tend to wait until we feel 100% confident to move forward, which is a totally unrealistic expectation that limits our opportunities and experiences. Listen in to connect and collaborate with a community that is redefining woman's work and build your own inner confidence. Learn more about what we’re up to outside of this podcast at NicoleKalil.com.

Hey there, my name is Nicole Kalil and together we're going to redefine what it actually means to be doing woman's work. In today's episode, we're going to talk about confidence, what it is, what it isn't, how to get more of it, and what it feels like and looks like when you have it. This falls under what I call the you work category because confidence is always built from the inside out. Really hear me when I say that. It is always built from the inside out. And I'm starting my focus here because as women, we will most definitely benefit by having increased confidence. It's an area where

we trail behind our male counterparts. We've all heard the stats. Men will apply for jobs or take risks if they believe they have 60% of the qualifications or what it takes to do the thing they're applying for. Women, we wait until we meet 100% of the qualifications. Ladies, what is that? You're never going to get to 100% confidence on anything worth doing. If it's new and it hasn't been done before by you and it's a risk and it's worth doing, there's no way you can actually get to 100% confidence. And so we often don't do the things we want to do or apply for the positions we want to have or take the risks that we want to need to take to get to the next level because we're waiting

for that 100% confidence. And that's got to change. And all of my work with hundreds of executive level women and entrepreneurs, this was the most surprising and obvious observation I've made over the years. Even the most successful among us, even the women who are breaking down the glass ceiling and achieving amazing things professionally are still struggling with confidence and still trying to get to a certain place in their decision-making process that doesn't actually serve them. And confidence at the end of the day will make us be better individually and collectively. So this, my friends, is most importantly woman's work. All right. So what is confidence? I have probably read every article,

every book, anything I could get my hands on that has anything to do with confidence. And again, from my observations and experiences and all of my reading, I've sort of put together my own definition of what confidence is. And here it is. Confidence is when you know who you are and you own who you're not and you choose to embrace all of you. That is my definition of confidence. And that's what it looks like. And I want to share how I got to that point and all the things that I've learned about confidence so you can begin to work on your own. Okay, so here are some things that I know to be true about confidence, both from research and data and also from personal experience and observation.

First and foremost, confidence is a skill that can be developed. It is not a fixed personality trait. It is not something you are born with or without. Confidence is a skill that can be developed. It's a muscle that can be built. To me, this is good news. That means wherever you're at with confidence, you can be more confident. You can build that muscle. It's just like a muscle in your body. If you haven't been to the gym in a really, really long time, you're starting at a different place than somebody who goes regularly. But that doesn't mean that we both don't have the opportunity to continue to build our muscles. And this confidence muscle, no matter where you're at in your confidence journey, is something you can work on on a daily basis. And

you can get better and more confident on a daily basis. Confidence is also developed and built through action alone. Again, hear me when I say this. It is built through action alone. You cannot think your way into confidence. And ladies, I think that's especially important for us because we as women, we do have a tendency to overthink a little bit. We over process information in our brains. And this is actually doing more harm in our overall confidence building than it is helping us. And I think we do it to protect ourselves or to make sure we have all the information we feel we need before we move forward.

But we're actually chipping away at our confidence when we do this. If you don't believe me that women have a tendency to overthink, think about the last time you or somebody you care about went on a first date. It's basically like one big mind fuck. Sorry for the language, but that's totally what it feels like. It's why didn't they call me? Why didn't they text me back? We were in the middle of a text conversation and then they dropped off. And should I call them or they should call me? I mean, we basically over process and overthink information so much and it's preventing us from feeling and being confident. So ultimately what I'm saying here is that it is action alone that builds this confidence muscle and that you build confidence step by step.

It's little risks added together that build big confidence. It's like that expression, how do you eat an elephant? The answer, one bite at a time. And so the small, and sometimes they feel somewhat inconsequential, little risks that we can take will over time build our confidence. And then when we get into some of our big risk categories, they'll seem a little bit easier because we've built that muscle. And here's a really interesting and again, kind of shocking piece of information I found out about confidence. Failure actually helps to build it if you let it. Yes, you heard that correctly. Failure leads to confidence if you choose it. Because failure is a mindset a lot of times, and a lot of it is perception and how

you look at it. I often talk about your choice to fail forward or to fail backwards. Failing forward to me means learning, growing, and using that experience to make you better on the other side. And sometimes when we fail, we learn about what we don't like or what we don't want to be doing. And that's okay too. Failure actually will build your confidence if you choose it, if you let it. Because here's what I've also learned from my small and very big failures, both personally and professionally, is no matter what happens, it's never as bad as I worried it was going to be before I did it. So even when I failed, I've never failed as bad as I thought I was going to.

Like the earth has never opened up and I've never dropped through. I've never died. And I mean, at the end of the day, I have always come out the other side better than if I hadn't taken that risk or if I hadn't had that failure. So confidence is a muscle that can be built. It is a skill that it can be developed and action. And yes, even failure will help you to build it. It's about those little risks that you take along the way, the choices that you make to move forward and to take a chance, even if you're only feeling 60% ready. And lastly, what I've learned about confidence, it is both a journey and a choice. Okay. So confidence is a journey in that you will never feel 100% confident 100% of the time.

I actually think if you do, you're delusional. You might need to be medicated. There's something wrong with you because that is not an achievable result, at least not from my own experience or any person I've ever worked with. Nobody ever feels 100% confident 100% of the time. And I've worked with a lot of men, and I can attest to the fact that that is true for them too. That just doesn't exist. And so what it tells me is that confidence is an ongoing journey, not a destination. You don't arrive to confidence and then never have to work on it again. It is an ongoing journey and choice we need to make on a consistent and regular basis. It's kind of like my muscle analogy. If you are

choosing to build that confidence muscle on a regular basis, it's going to grow. But you never get to a point where you can just stop working the muscle. If you do that, you become weak and you go backwards. And so confidence is very much an ongoing journey. And it is also a choice that we need to make on a regular and consistent basis. So I certainly know what it is to feel confident. And I know that we can feel confident in moments and times of our life. But I want to reframe confidence rather than as a feeling to as a choice. Because one of the coolest things I've been able to witness in my coaching journey is when people choose to be confident even when they're not feeling it. After a really rough day or when they've gotten a big rejection

or when somebody said no or the shit hit the fan or whatever it is that they're going through that is not making them feel confident, watching people choose confidence in those moments has been truly inspiring. And it has led me to begin to practice that. And here's what I'll tell you. It's not easy. When you're down in the dumps and you're having a rough day or people are telling you no, you're not getting the reaction or the results that you wanted. I know how tough that can be. And I know that that kicks up our head trash. And I'll get into that a little bit more of that later. But it kicks that up into high gear. And so I know that feeling. I also know that you can choose confidence. And it is

one of the coolest and most freeing feelings that I've ever experienced. Again, not easy, but with practice, I believe we all can get there. So being confident is both a journey and a choice and something that we will probably have to do on a daily, weekly, monthly, sometimes minute by minute basis. Okay. So that's a little bit about what confidence is. Let's talk about what confidence is not. So you know what to avoid or ignore on your journey to build your own confidence. Okay. So confidence is most certainly not the same as perfectionism. In fact, I've heard it said that perfectionism is the enemy of confidence. And I believe that with every fiber of my being. Being confident is not about being perfect.

The aspiration of being perfect, looking perfect, having everything be done perfectly or achieving perfect results, that actually chips away at your confidence because it's not possible. Nobody is perfect. And so if you set your bar there and then you fall short, which of course you will, because we all would, then that tends to chip away at

our confidence because we set unreasonable expectations or goals for ourselves. Perfectionism is the enemy of confidence. Or said another way, it doesn't even belong in the same room. And we as women have a tendency to hold ourselves to internal expectations of perfection. And then we sort of beat ourselves up when we don't achieve it, which is completely unfair and unrealistic and is ultimately doing a ton of damage to us as it relates to our overall feeling of internal confidence. Okay. So if perfectionism is the enemy of confidence, then one of the things that we do as a result of perfectionism is beating ourselves up. And that also doesn't work. I call this head trash. This is the stuff we say to ourselves in our own head

that is almost never kind and very rarely true. And if you think about it for a second, would you ever say those things to somebody that you love? Would you say it to a best friend or your daughter or somebody you love and care about? No, of course you wouldn't. So why are we saying it to ourselves? I catch myself when I go into beat up mode or when I start having what I call head trash, when that starts happening and my internal dialogue is not kind, I try to catch myself as fast as possible. And I just say, gentle, gentle, gentle. It's my reminder to me to be kind to myself, to be gentle with myself in the same way I try to be with the other people in my life that I love and care about and am committed to. And so if I'm willing to do it for them, why wouldn't I do it

for me? So catching ourselves when we go into beat up mode and having some sort of mechanism, whether it's saying something to yourself or phoning a friend or reading something that reminds you what's important, whatever it is. And we'll talk about some options in a future podcast. But I think to the extent that you can catch yourself when you go into beat up mode, that will ultimately help you build your confidence and certainly will stop you from chipping away at it. Another thing that confidence is not, it is not about judgment or comparison of yourself or others. Okay. So we live very much in the time of social media and advertising. And these things can be really detrimental to our own confidence building if we go into comparison mode. Because if you look on social media, somebody's life always looks perfect,

right? Their kids are the most well-behaved. They achieved this goal that you've always wanted to achieve. They seem like they always have it together. Feels like things are always working the way that they're supposed to be in their lives. You comparing yourself to somebody's best day or best moment is completely unrealistic and totally unhealthy. We don't know what's going on behind the scenes or in their real lives. And I can assure you, nobody's perfect. Even the people who seem like they have it all together, they have their demons, they have their darkness, and they have their struggles. And so this focus on comparing our lives, our results, our situations to other people without having the full story, ultimately is doing damage to our internal confidence. We need to be really careful of that.

And then being judgmental of ourselves and others is doing the same thing. So catching ourselves and being kind to ourselves in those moments are really, really important. I mentioned this a little bit earlier, but another thing that is certainly doing damage and chipping away at our overall confidence is the overthinking, over-processing that we do that ultimately results in us holding ourselves back. It results in inaction. And if we know action builds confidence, but we're constantly choosing to not take action because we're overthinking or over-processing, then we, again, are doing more damage than we are helping ourselves. I think sometimes we think if we have all the information or if we wait until we feel ready or if all the stars and the moons align, and then we know that

it's the right time to do something, then it'll work. And that is just not the case. I've seen over and over again, women take chances and take risks and do things they weren't ready to do. And guess what? It all works out. And even when it doesn't, it's never as bad as they thought it could be. And it always has them fail forward. They always come out the other side better. So this overthinking, fear of failure, inaction thing is definitely doing damage. And we got to be mindful of it. And we got to honestly take a cue from our male counterparts here and ask ourselves, when are we ready enough? When are we at that 60% of the information, the readiness, the knowledge, the whatever it is that we need

in order to move forward and not keep pushing for that 100%. Finally, one thing I've learned that confidence is not is it's not something that comes externally to us. Confidence comes from the inside out, not the other way around. I'm not saying that confidence can't play out externally, that you can't witness people being confident or that people don't present themselves a certain way when they're confident. You know, that's obviously up to each individual person what is important to them. But what I will tell you is I've seen too many women running around trying to build confidence from the outside in. They're trying to get validation or support or compliments or information from the outside and feeling like once they get enough or once

somebody says the right thing or they get the right type of attention that all of a sudden confidence is going to come from that. And I can assure you that that's not the case. In full disclosure, one thing I've always struggled with is my weight. I've done all the diets. I've done all the things. I feel like I'm perpetually 10 pounds overweight. And here's what's really interesting. I'm more confident today than I was when I was in my 20s. And when I was in my 20s, I had a rocking body. I was working out. I was basically

starving myself, but I was a size four with big boobs and I got all the attention in the world. And I can assure you that that did not build my confidence. Okay. But before you get upset, let me assure you that I am not saying that people who are a size four, have a rocking body, or look great don't have confidence. People can look however they look and have confidence. What I'm saying is it's not the outside that delivers on the internal feeling. It's the internal feeling that delivers on your expression of confidence. Now, would I like to have a rocking body again? Sure. Why not? But it is not the driving force. It is not what is making me feel confident or not confident in any given day. Okay. So I'm not sure if that's the best example. And there are a lot of examples

that could be discussed. And this is something for you to think about and come up with your own answer for yourself. But what I will tell you with absolute certainty is that confidence comes from the inside and then can and probably will play out externally in some way, whether it's how you look or how you carry yourself or how you communicate or how you respond. But I want to make sure that you have the order in your mind correct. You got to start internally first if you expect or desire to build your own confidence. I want to share with you an exercise that has really worked for me and a lot of the women that I've worked with as a starting point for building your confidence.

I like it because it's actionable, Like you can do it today and it will begin to have immediate results. So what this is, is I would like for you to find some quiet time. And ladies, I know that that's hard. So whether it's, you know, on your commute or finding some extra minutes in the bathroom or carving out some time over a lunch break, or whatever works for you, find some minutes and grab a pen and a piece of paper and just that, or whatever it is that you use to take notes, but ideally nothing distracting. And on the top of that sheet of paper, I want you to write the words, things I know to be true about me at this point in my life. Okay. This is where you're going to begin to practice that first part of being confident,

which is knowing who you are. And you're going to write down all the good stuff, all the feelings, fact-based results, all the stuff that you know to be true about yourself at this point in your life. And I've done this pretty much every year, sometimes a few times a year. And I can tell you some things will stay the same for your entire life and some things will change. What I knew to be true about myself in my 20s is not necessarily the same of what I know to be true about myself today in my 40s. Some things, yes, but some things have certainly changed. So I'm going to share with you some of the things that are on my what I know to be true about me list just to give you some examples or maybe a starting point. I know I'm not very good with blank slate instructions.

I like examples or templates. So I'm going to share a few things that fall on my list that can hopefully be helpful in creating a starting point for you. Okay. So the first thing that is always on my list that I know to be true about me is I love my family. I'm sure that's true for all of you, but I think it's important to reiterate that to myself. I know that I love my family. I know they are the most important things in my world. Marrying Jay is the best decision I've ever made in my entire life. And we could not possibly be more committed to raising a productive, strong, confident, and kind little girl. This is the most important thing in my world. I know this to be true. I don't need data or statistics to

back that up. I just know it to be true. Another thing that's on my list is I'm a mean what I say and say what I mean kind of person. I've been given that feedback a lot over the course of my life. And I actually like that as a quality of myself. I am not somebody who says something that I don't mean. I'm kind of a you get what you get kind of person. When I say something, I mean it. And I also don't often hold back. If I have something I feel is worth saying, I will say it. So another thing I know to be true about me is I'm a get shit done kind of person. My follow through is really exceptional. If I commit to something or I say I'm going to do something, you can pretty much

take it to the bank. Another thing I know to be true about me is at this point in my life, I've recovered from 100% of my failures so far. So personal, professional, big or small, all the failures I've had up until this point in my life, I've recovered from. I am still here. I am still kicking. My professional, my personal life and my confidence has never been better than it is today. So I know that I have recovered 100% of the time from the things that have knocked me down in my past. And finally, and my list is way longer than this. I'm just giving you a few examples. I am great at helping others achieve their goals.

In my coaching work, the data, the statistics, and the results support themselves. I know I'm good at this. And this isn't my ego talking or me bragging or being arrogant. This is me listing out the things that I know to be true about me. Nowhere on my list does it say that I'm perfect. In fact, the second part of building your confidence is knowing who you're not. And there are a lot of things that I know that I'm not. But this list is about basically having a grounding exercise. This is a reminder to you of who you are and what you can count on about you at this point in your life. And certainly you could read this every day as kind of a mantra. It would definitely help you build your confidence. But where I see this come into play the most

is when you need to act, when you want to take that big chance or take that big risk or do that thing that you've always wanted to do, but your mind is telling you you're not ready. That's where this list can really come into play. You look through your list and associate it with the risk that you're trying to take or the goal that you're trying to achieve. And it reminds you who you are. And you can look in your list for evidence that supports why you should do this. Okay. So let me give you an example. I decided last year that I wanted to start this podcast. Now to say that was a little bit of a crazy, risky decision is an understatement. This time last year, I think I'd only ever listened to two podcasts in my life.

Okay. So this was not my area of expertise. I had never done it before. I didn't know even what I wanted to talk about. I knew there were a lot of things running in my brain, but I wasn't sure how to make it a podcast. And here's the other thing that I know. I am like the least tech savvy person on the planet. So all of this was overwhelming. Now, if I would have just gone to the owning things that I'm not or waiting until I was 100% ready, I promise you, you would not be listening to this podcast today because I had all of these reasons why I should wait or why I shouldn't do it. But I went back to my list of things that I know to be true about me and it helped me to move forward.

It reminded me the things that I could count on about me. So as a couple of examples, I get shit done. So I knew if I committed to doing this, that I was going to make it happen. All of the evidence in my life up to this point supports that if I say I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it. And so I could count on that. I didn't know how it was going to play out. I didn't know that it was going to be perfect. In fact, I knew it wasn't, but I knew at the end of the day I would get there. And that was confidence building for me. I also know that I'm a mean what I say, say what I mean kind of person. And how that played out in thinking about this podcast was I knew I had something to say that people would be

attracted to. Not all people, but some people. Because I knew I would speak from the heart, I would bring me to the table, and I would be completely authentic. And that would attract some people and it certainly will alienate others. I have a sign in my office that says, you will be too much for some people. Those aren't your people. And that's my reminder to me that my goal isn't to win over everybody. My goal is to connect with, collaborate, and work with other women who have a shared goal, a shared outcome in mind, which is ultimately to redefine how we think of being a woman and gender expectations. And so that lit me up, but I knew I could come here and say what I mean and me what I say, and that I would be able to count on that because all of the evidence in my life up to this point supports it. I also knew that up to this point, I have been great at helping

others achieve their goals. Again, not everybody, but people who are the right fit for me and I'm the right fit for them. I know I can help create tangible results. And so when I looked at my list of things I knew to be true about me, it reminded me how I could count on and rely upon these things that I know to be true about me at this point in my life. And it gave me the confidence, the courage to move forward, even though, honestly, I knew I was only about 60% ready. The other 40%, I figured I would rely on those things and I'd figure it out as I go. And you get to be a witness to that. So my ask is that you begin to think about your list, things you know to be true about yourself. These are the good things. This is you working on knowing who you are, like really deeply

knowing, being able to rely on it, to be confident about who you are as a person. In future podcasts, we're going to talk so much more about different exercises and strategies and tips and tricks to build confidence. We're also going to talk about owning who you're not. But as a first step, I want to really make sure we're all getting connected and grounded to who we are, why we were put here on this planet, what our unique strengths and abilities and experiences are, and how that matters in the things that we want to do in our heart of hearts, the passions we want to chase, the purposes we want to live into. So that's my ask as a starting point. And please connect with us on NicoleKahlil.com or on

Instagram or Facebook and share your stories of your successes and your failures. Share your stories of the risks that you take, the action towards confidence that you're making, and the things that you know to be true about you at this point in your life. I promise it will be inspiring to hear from each other and to support each other and at this point in your life. I promise it will be inspiring to hear from each other and to support each other and encourage and cheer each other on. Let's go out and face our work, our family, our worlds today as women who are choosing confidence moment by moment, even when we might not be feeling it. And be proud of yourselves, congratulate yourselves, encourage yourself for working that muscle, for taking the little risks that you know will pay off down the

road. And if you hear that voice in your head telling you you can't, or you shouldn't, or it's too big, or somebody else can do that, just not you, catch yourself. Say to yourself, gentle, gentle, gentle. Go back to your list of things you know to be true about you. If that list supports that action, then go do it. And know that I will be cheering for you loudly behind the scenes. And know that I am 100% confident you will come out better on the other side. Thanks for listening and let's get out there and do this confidence building work. It is important work and this is woman's work.