This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 004 / Calling All My Single Ladies!

Episode Date: February 5, 2020

In this episode, Nicole asks ALL women to raise the bar, and shares what she wishes she could go back and tell her single self. Do you feel the pressure from society to settle down, find the right person and get married because it’s that next “normal” step? Ladies, marriage is not a requirement and it does not prove your worth. It is so important in all of our relationships that we do the work, that we know who we are, who we aren’t, and that we show up as our authentic self. If we spend our energy being the very best version of us, we can and will create the exceptional relationships we deserve. Learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast at NicoleKalil.com

Hello, ladies. I am Nicole Kalil, and together we are redefining what it actually means to be doing woman's work. Today, we're going to focus on homework and more specifically on being single or said another way, being not married. And what I hope to do is share with you a list of things I wish I could go back and tell my single self in hopes that some of this resonates with some of you that are single and those of you that might be in committed relationships or are married. Maybe some of this will speak to you too. First thing I wish I could go back and tell my single self is you do not need to get married. Marriage is not necessary. You may choose it. You may desire it, but it is not a requirement to prove your worth or your value or whether or

not you are loved. Marriage does not equal worthiness. And it is something that I didn't have to chase or worry about or fret about the way that I did. And I think some of the things that really brought this out in me when I was single, and Jay and I didn't get married until I was 36. So I did spend quite a few years in the single life. I can remember going to weddings or professional events where dates were required and I didn't have one. Or, gosh, are my friends getting married and going to the baby showers and all of that stuff. And you add that to what I think is pretty general societal pressure. I think somewhere along the line, we as women believe that we're supposed to want to do this. And somehow the earlier, the better,

as if finding a husband validates us in some way, or it means something or says something. And I'm not sure where that comes from or when it happens. And you can bet your ass that I am going to try really hard to make sure that JJ doesn't pick up that pressure, but it's there and it exists. And I definitely felt it. All these messages and all these events were making me feel like there was something wrong with me. But what I've come to realize is that my marriage and my friends' marriages and all the people I know's marriages did not increase their value. And not being married didn't decrease my value. My value is my value. Your value is your value. Marriage or being in a committed relationship is about two fully whole

people coming together and making a choice to spend their lives or spend a period of time in their lives together. It doesn't do anything to you as a person as it relates to your value. I wish I would have known that. I wish I would have known that in my soul. We are all complete and whole humans all by ourselves. This you are my other half or you complete me crap that's out there drives me crazy. And please, for the love of God, ladies, do not date a half person. He or she, whoever it is that you choose to date, should be fully grown and raised by the time you get to them. This is not your job. The second thing I wish I could have told my single self is you get to and should choose your partners. And with more diligence than I was choosing people in my

corporate or business life. I would interview people and choose people for positions in our firm. And I feel like in hindsight, I was probably paying attention to more red flags or doing more diligence when I was interviewing people for a job than when I was interviewing for people to be a part of my life. And here's the deal. Not everyone is going to retire with you. Like when you think about it from a business perspective, when you hire employees, you know not everybody is going to retire with you. Some people are only meant to be temporary. And that's true in dating too. Some people are only meant to be temporary. And that's true in dating too. Some people are only meant to be temporary. And that doesn't mean that they aren't great or that you're not great or that there

wasn't value there or that you're not grateful for the experience. It just means that that person might have only ever meant to be temporary. You learned what you learned. You experienced what you experienced. You filled a need that maybe you had at that point in time in your life or a desire, but that doesn't mean that that person is supposed to retire with you. Another thing on this is, but I love him, are the worst four words you can ever say as a reason to stay with somebody. Literally the worst. Again, from a business perspective, just because you like somebody doesn't mean that they're good for business. Doesn't mean that they should be your employee or that they should stay in a certain position. There must be more to it than that. They need to be good at their jobs. And there needs to be more to it than, but I love him when it comes to getting to stay with you. And here's the real rub,

or what was the real rub for me. It is harder to find people for high level, like executive level management roles than it is to find somebody to fill an entry-level position. And the same applies for dating. When you are exceptional and your standards are high and you're accomplishing things on your own and you can stand on your own two feet, it kind of makes the pool a little smaller. It makes it a little bit harder to find the right partner. So if you feel like all these other people out there

are finding people to be with, that's fine. But that doesn't mean it's going to be easy for you. Mediocre people can find mediocre people pretty easily. If you are exceptional and want to be exceptional and you want to surround yourself with exceptional, well then my friends, it might take a little bit longer to find the right person to partner with. And my last thing on this is people don't change unless they want to. You can't wish somebody into changing. Just like in a professional environment, people will show their true colors. They'll show you what they're good at and what they're not good at. And the only way that they'll get good at things or change themselves or show up differently is if they choose it. No amount

of wishing will make it so. You're just going to have to trust me on this one. So you might be asking yourself, okay, well then what do I do? Like, how do I find this person and how do I risk and how do I be brave and all of that? And here's my answer, or at least the answer I wish I would have given myself in my single days. You need to spend all that energy and all that effort on you. Be the person you want to be. Do what you love. Do what lights you up. Focus on what you want to learn and he will find you or you will find each other. Don't spend your energy looking for the perfect guy. Spend that energy being the best version of yourself. So when you meet this amazing partner or this amazing person that you actually make sense together, because you are bringing the best version of you to the table and he's bringing the best version of him

or her or whatever it is that you're into. Um, that would be my request. You don't need to look for your partner, look for who you want to be and who you want to become and let the rest work itself out. The third thing that I wish I could go back and say to my single self is that we are wired for connection and love. Just because one relationship didn't work out or just because you're feeling a little brokenhearted or just because the dating scene is gut-wrenchingly hard doesn't mean that you can shut down and hold back and close yourself off. You've got to be brave. You've got to keep putting yourself out there because we as humans are wired for love. We're wired for connection. And maybe that might not be a romantic relationship at

certain points of your life. Maybe it's about really having great companionship with your friends or family members. Maybe it's about working on yourself for a period of time. But at the end of the day, we are all wired for connection and we can't let our past relationships, our past disappointments and frustrations carry forward into our next relationship. I used to have a sign that hung over my bedroom door as I was walking out into my hallway. And it said, love like it is never going to hurt. And that was my reminder to me that I had to show up. I had to put myself out there and I had to do it from like a blank canvas place. I couldn't carry forward all of the baggage and all of the experiences and all

of the fears from my past relationships and past experiences into the next one and expect that it was going to go well. When you're thinking about the relationship you want, whether it's temporary or permanent, I would encourage you to think about what you want versus what you don't want. Don't bring your previous fears or previous relationship snafus into the next one. Think about what you want. I want a committed, loving, trusting, fun, whatever it is, type relationship. Define what you want, not what you don't want. What you resist persists, right? And if you just keep saying, I don't want this, it is amazing how many times you end up creating that stuff you don't want. Next up, I wish I could go back and tell my single self that marriage does not need to be hard.

In full transparency, I didn't know if I ever wanted to get married or not get married, but I'd been told so often and I'd observed that marriage was this really hard thing. Like people talk about marriage like it's constant work. I think that might have been part of the reason why I didn't really aspire to get married at certain points. But also, I think sometimes I let people stay in my life or I questioned whether or not this person was somebody I wanted to get married to because I assumed it was supposed to be hard. And the relationship that I was in was hard, or at least there were really hard components of it. And I guess I thought maybe that was normal. Maybe it was

supposed to be that way. And I will tell you, and I don't know if this is true for everybody. I can only speak what's true for me. My marriage is not hard. Sure, we have tough times and sure, there are moments where it can be hard, but on the whole, my marriage is one of the easiest relationships I have ever been in. You know what's hard? Having kids. That's hard. Being a parent to JJ is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Yes, one of the best things I've ever done, if not the best. I couldn't possibly love anything more than I love my daughter, but that is hard. That is a constant and never-ending questioning of myself and whether or not I'm being a good enough mom and teaching her the right ways and raising her to be a good and productive

citizen of the world. All this pressure, being a mom, that's hard. Being a wife, being a partner, that hasn't been hard for me. And I really don't think it has to be. And I hope you hear this because if you're in a relationship that is hard, I would challenge you to question whether or not it needs to be that way and whether or not that relationship is designed to be a long-term relationship if it's that hard. My opinion about marriage or a committed long-term relationship is it works best when you have two confident people who choose to commit to each other, to commit to growing together, to commit to taking care of each other and thinking about the other person. Now think for a minute, my definition of confidence again, is when you know who you are,

you own who you're not, and you choose to embrace all of it. So if you have two people coming together who are already pretty, you know, obviously not everything's figured out. Life is a journey. But for the most part, they know who they are and they own who they're not and they're choosing to embrace all of their humanness and they come together in a relationship, that to me is what builds and breeds the healthiest type of partnership. It's predictable. Now, if you heard the word predictable and thought boring, I would really encourage you to kind of open your ears and your minds to this for just a second. Predictable has been one of the best parts of my relationship with Jay. I know who he is. I know who he's not. He's owned that. It's clear. He's not trying to hide it. He's not trying to

fake it. And I know what I can count on him for. And I know where I can't. I know who he is and what he's going to choose. And it is the greatest sense of comfort and safety and security that I can possibly explain. It grounds me and it makes me feel confident and not just who he is or just who I am, but who we are together. Now, if you like the drama and the never know what you're going to get and the surprises that pop up in a relationship, then I guess fine. If that's what you like, that's great. But don't be surprised if the surprises and the not knowing who somebody is and not being able to predict what they're going to choose, that doesn't come along with some not so great surprises or potential betrayals. I think it's so important that we show up as

ourselves to a relationship, but that we have done the work individually to be as confident and aware of who we are and who we're not, and that we show up as those people to these relationships so that we can form these committed relationships out of a full disclosure situation. Now, that's not to say that we don't change or that we don't grow or evolve together as a couple. But again, it's somewhat predictable. And because we know who each other is and what we want, we've opened up a really great environment for conversation and collaborative discussion if and when anything changes.

Okay. My next piece of advice to my single self is choose you every time. Now, this is not me encouraging me to be selfish. This is me encouraging me to choose myself always, in addition to all the other things that I am choosing. So many times, my single self put my needs, my desires, my wants, my goals, my passions on the back burner for the sake of another. And it's just one of my biggest regrets. Do not ever make yourself smaller or less than for another person. First of all, it would never work, but they should love, accept, and appreciate you. And nobody who truly does that, nobody who truly loves you will ever ask you to make yourself smaller or less than. Being in a marriage with the wrong person, somebody who is asking you to play your life smaller than you came here to play is much harder and much more damaging than whatever it will take for you to become fine, okay, happy, content with being on your own and loving yourself. Ladies, please choose you every time.

Never set yourself on fire to keep another person warm. They are blankets for that. Okay, single ladies, I know it is not always easy. And I would not, for anything, want to go back to dating and all that. I remember how hard it can be. And here's the thing. You have the opportunity to raise the bar. We, as women, have the opportunity to raise the bar. We as women have the opportunity to raise the bar for us individually, for us universally as women, and even for the men in our lives by not settling. Our partners, whether they be temporary or permanent, should make us want to be better while at the same time accepting us for who we are today.

And if they can't do that, then you stand whole, complete, beautiful, and strong all by yourself and feel proud for knowing your worth and choosing to be and feel good enough without needing anybody else to validate you or your choices. You raise that bar and you hold it high because this, my friends, is most certainly woman's work.