This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 007 / Confidence Part 2 - Getting Back Into Action

Episode Date: February 26, 2020

Why do some people recover from a setback quicker than others? In this episode, Nicole addresses some questions from Confidence Part 1. She also walks us step by step through her Recovery Plan, a tool she uses on those tough days, to help propel her back into action quickly and with confidence. Challenging days are inevitable, we all have them. But how we respond and what we do next (or don’t) is the valuable lesson to be learned. It is the key difference between highly successful people and everybody else. It starts with a plan. Having a plan in place can help motivate, inspire and remind us what’s most important. Our mistakes don’t define us unless we let them. YOU are the decider. This is Woman’s Work. Learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast at NicoleKalil.com

Hello, friends. I'm Nicole Khalil, and together we are redefining what woman's work actually means. We're back today on YouWork and on my favorite subject in the whole world to talk about. I could literally talk for days about confidence building. And what I wanted to do was address some of the questions and some of the thoughts that were shared with me after people listened to episode one and expand on some things. And more importantly, keep talking about confidence building so that it stays top of mind and so that I can continue to be helpful in sharing forward things that have worked for me in building my own confidence and things that have worked for others,

women that I've coached, people I've observed, and ultimately sharing forward the things that build confidence. So one of the questions that somebody posed to me is, why do successful people seem to have so much more confidence than everybody else? Where does that come from? And what I will tell you, this is one of my favorite questions because it's something that I have been paying attention to over the course of my professional life and adult life too. It just sort of seems like some people have confidence in spades, right? It's part of them in a different way than it is us mere mortals. And so over the years, I've spent a lot

of energy and effort and time, frankly, observing the successful people that I've interacted with, whether it's in coaching relationships or at work or people who come and speak on the main stage, keynote speakers, things like that. I've really been trying to pinpoint what's the difference between uber successful people and the confidence they have and everybody else. And here's what it boils down to. Here's the not so secret secret, not so secret because I'm sharing it with you right now. And secret because it's often felt elusive or hidden for most of us. And so I just want to bring it out in the open. My opinion, my observation is the difference between successful people and everybody else is they recover faster. That's it. They get up, dust themselves off, and move forward into action faster than everybody

else. That is the key to success. And that is the key to building confidence. Remember, we talked about confidence being something that is built through action. We also talked about failure building confidence if you choose to fail forward. And that's what these people do. They recover from the bad days, from the rejection, from the failures, from the no's faster than everybody else. Okay. So how do they do it? Well, some people might naturally be more inclined to do this easier. So I think people who have a tendency to be more logical thinkers as opposed to emotional thinkers, or maybe better said that they make decisions from a logical place versus an emotional place, sometimes they can get back in action faster than those that are dealing with more the emotional side of whatever

is going on. So if you're a little bit more of a logical decision maker, you might have a slight advantage here. But if you're a little bit more emotional, that does not mean you can't figure this out. So don't feel disheartened or discouraged or anything else. I've just noticed that sometimes helps a little bit. Another thing that does seem to make a difference is some people learned to recover or get back into action the hard way, meaning they had something in their life, whether it be at a young age or as a young adult, that was so horrible and they had to recover from it. It could be the loss of a parent or some form of abuse or being exceptionally poor or just something in your young life that is an incredibly difficult

and challenging situation that they had to recover from. I found that those people often create their success or can recover faster and build confidence in that way better than those that maybe have not experienced such level of tragedy. And I think part of it is being able to say, well, this thing, this thing that I'm dealing with right now, this challenge, this rejection, it's just not as bad as that thing I had to deal with before. And I know now that I can recover from that. So I certainly can recover from this. So I'm not suggesting you go out and have some sort of tragic event that propels you into confidence. I'm just saying that those are some examples of where I think for some people, the skill of recovering and getting back into action faster might be a little bit more natural, or it might be something they learned from a

previous event. Okay. So outside of those things, if you just want to learn to recover faster, I am grateful and so blessed to say I've never had anything uber tragic happen in my life. I'm also a little bit more tactical, meaning I like being motivated. I like being inspired as much as anybody else. But I really like when people give me tools and strategies and tips and ideas, things that I can take and go do and implement and test out in my life. And so because of that, I was thinking like, how do I recover faster? How do I make this a strategy? And what I came up with was what I call a recovery plan. Now, this is something I've been doing myself for many years and then I've been coaching over the last handful of years.

And it really has been a big game changer. What a recovery plan is, is a list of things that you can do when the shit hits the fan or when you're having a really rough day or your confidence feels like it's at an all-time low. This recovery plan gives you things to do and to focus on that will help propel you back into action faster than if left to your own devices. And so what I know is when we're having a tough day or when our confidence is low, our minds and our bodies don't encourage us to make the healthiest choices.

I don't know about you, but my mind and my body, when I'm having a really crappy day, tells me to binge watch TV or drink a glass, and by glass, I mean bottle of wine, or curl up in the fetal position in my bed and not want to get out. So knowing that naturally, our bodies and our minds are not going to tell us to do very productive or healthy things in those moments is really important. So what I wanted to do was create a plan ahead of time. So when those moments happen, I have a list that I can look at that will give you healthy, productive, and momentum-building things to do and to focus on during that time when your confidence

is low or you're just not feeling it. So what you do is you develop a list of things that motivate you. What motivates you on a general basis? What reminds you what's important to you in your life? What fires you up? What makes you feel good or makes you feel strong? So I'll share some examples that are on my list, but I've also heard from other women along the way that make it on their list. But it's important that your recovery plan is customized to you. So don't put things on your list that don't make you feel good or that don't motivate you or that don't inspire you. This is not a wish list. This is a things that work for you list.

So for a lot of women and a lot of people, some form of working out makes it on their recovery plan list. This often makes people feel more confident, makes them feel stronger and more proud of themselves. And it, of course, releases endorphins and gives energy. So whatever your form of workout is, that might go on your recovery plan. Obviously, going to a yoga class, going for a run, going to the gym, taking a boxing class. Maybe you just feel like you need to hit something. Whatever works for you, make sure that gets on your recovery list. Even going for a walk or going outside and taking 10 deep breaths of fresh air. Those types of things can be on your recovery plan. Creating a music playlist. I have a playlist on Spotify,

If Confidence Were a Song. And it's just a bunch of songs that when you hear them, they make you feel confident and they talk about confidence. And it's just magical what music can do sometimes when you're just not feeling it. So maybe you create your own playlist. Maybe you have a kick-ass woman playlist or I don't know, whatever speaks to you. This is not the time to put your sad, sappy songs, right? This is not where you want to go deeper into your depression for the day. These are songs that lift you up, make you feel excited. They should make you want to sing and dance out loud. Other examples, having a bunch of quotes that you look at, journaling, writing three things that you're grateful for.

I even know people who have like a Pinterest motivation board, things that make them feel inspired and excited. Obviously, there's the phone a friend option. Just make sure you pick the right friend for the right reasons. So really thinking to yourself, what is it that I need right now? If I need cheering up, call the friend that does that for you. If I need to vent, call the friend that's the greatest listener. If you need somebody to challenge you and give you a nice loving kick in the butt, call that friend. Call the one that's like, are you done complaining yet? Like, what are you

going to do about this? So being mindful of who is the best person to call for what you need in the moment, I think is an important step to take before you pick up the phone. You can obviously read, whether it's something self-development oriented or the Bible or whatever your faith would have you read. It could be an article. It could be your own vision. Reading something that reminds you what's important or inspires you to act is so helpful. You can also listen to things like a TED Talk or a podcast. This one, I hope, will help you if you're having one of those days. I have also created what I call a feel-good folder. This could be a folder on your desktop or an actual physical folder. Anytime you get a compliment or a thank you or you made a big

impact in this way or you did this really well, print that thing out or save it in your feel-good folder. And when you're having a rough day, open it up and start reading about how awesome you are and the difference that you make and what you do well. That can be super, super helpful. Meditation, doing something that makes you laugh, giving. If you're feeling down, give to somebody of your time, of your energy, of your love. It always makes you feel better. And finally, something that could go on your recovery plan is going back to your what I know to be true about me at this point in my life list. And hopefully that will help remind you what a total and complete badass you are. Okay. So you're going to develop your

recovery plan. My recovery plan has 12 items on it. So 12 things that I can do that motivate me, inspire me, remind me what's important. And I just keep working my recovery plan until I feel like I can get back into action. So some days I only need to do one thing on my recovery plan. Some days I might need to do all 12 or some number in between. But my point is if I choose to do the things that I've predetermined that make me feel good and make me feel motivated and remind me what's important, if I do those things when I'm feeling down and out and I'm having a rough day, if I do those things versus all the things that my body and my brain are telling me to do that are not productive or not healthy, then I will

propel myself back into action faster. And the more you do it, the more it becomes a habit and the less you need to do and the faster you get back into action. And you can see how over time this gets you to build your confidence and it gets you to operate like the uber successful people operate, picking themselves up, dusting themselves off and getting back into action faster than everybody else. The last thing I want to share about the recovery plan is that it should be written, it should be customized to you, and it should be accessible. Okay, so you want to write it out, again, because if you just have it in your brain, you know, your brain will trick you during those days. You want to have it written out and pre-planned. You want it to be customized to you.

I said this already, but the things on your recovery plan should make you feel good. On my recovery plan, I have going for a run as a last resort. And it literally says, because if you're going to do that, chances are it's worse than whatever it is that you need to do to get yourself out of this funk. Because I hate running. I used to say I only run when something is chasing me, like a bear. But ironically, now I've started picking up running a little bit more and I'm starting to like it more and starting to get better at it. But from a recovery plan standpoint, whatever it is that I need to do, send that email, have that conversation. For me, a lot of times, that seems like an easier choice

than going for a run. So again, your recovery plan should be customized to you and it needs to be accessible. I have a version on my desktop. I have one printed out and pinned on my bulletin board in my office, one in my bedside table, one in my car. What's the thing called? Oh my gosh, I'm blanking. The car thing. Anyways, I can grab it there. Have it be accessible. Have one be in your office. Have it be where whenever you need it, you can quickly grab it and start working it. And then you work that plan until you get back into action. This, my friends, is how we fail forward. Another question that had been raised via episode one was, how do you manage head trash?

How do you block out the naysayers or when somebody says something that hurts your feelings or whatever. Um, you know, I, I, I will be honest. I don't have this totally figured out when people give feedback or say something negative. I would be an absolute liar if I told you it didn't affect me. Of course it affects me. Um, I just have tried to minimize the amount of time that I let it affect me. And my recovery plan can be super helpful with that. Again, I also have quotes everywhere. Like my office is motivation central. So one of the quotes I look at in those moments is by Brene Brown. And it basically says, if you aren't in the arena, also getting your ass kicked, I'm not interested in your feedback. And it's just a reminder. Usually the people who have

negative crap to say about what you're trying to do, the brave, risky, cool thing that you're up to, the naysayers are typically not doing much of anything brave or cool themselves. And so it's just a reminder to just take the feedback and be like, thank you very much for your opinion. And asking myself, does this person's opinion really matter to me? Are they in a position to give this feedback to where it makes a difference in my world? And more often than not, the answer is no. Because the people who are in a position to give that feedback in my world would never be cruel. Now, I get direct feedback all the time, and I ask for it all the time, and I'm open to it, and people can tell me all kinds of things that love me that might hurt my feelings,

but they always do it in a loving and careful way. And if it hurts and if I feel upset, it's always short-lived because I know where they're coming from and I know they have my best interests at heart. So outside of that, I just try to let go of the stuff that other people say as quickly as possible. And then I want to just talk a little bit about head trash. And forgive me because this analogy is a little strange. And you're probably going to think I've turned into a crazy lady for a minute, but just bear with me. I learned a lot about head trash when I moved to our new house in Massachusetts. I was born and raised in California. Jay and I met long distance. He moved out to California for a while. And then we moved back to Massachusetts about three years

ago. And it was kind of a quick thing. We had no idea it was coming. He got a really great job opportunity. And me being a consultant, I could do my work from anywhere. So we very quickly decided to sell our house and then buy a house out here. And to make a long story short, I didn't do a ton of research on the town that we moved to. And I love it. And it's awesome. But one of the things I didn't know is that this town, there is no trash service. Nobody comes to your house once a week and picks up your trash and takes it away for you. We have what they call a transfer station, which is a very nice way of saying a dump. And we are responsible in our town for bringing our trash to the transfer station and getting rid of it.

And so what I've learned is, first and foremost, I'm not the only person who's putting stuff in my trash. Obviously, Jay and JJ, but when we have people over or a dinner party, other people's stuff gets put in my trash. It is still my responsibility to take it out, but it's not only my trash. The second thing I learned is I need to sift through my trash. Some things need to be recycled, some things need to be composted, and some things need to just be thrown away. And it is my job to sort through that and then take it to the appropriate places at the transfer station. So, you know, the things that can be recycled or reused or brought back in another way go to the recycling section. The things that can be composted that we can use at a later date to

help something grow, that goes to a different place. And then, of course, the trash, the crap you just need to get rid of and let go of forever goes to the trash section. Okay. So why am I talking about trash? Because I learned a lot about sifting through our head trash and how to manage our head trash by going through this process. Much like my regular trash, other people are putting things into our head trash. It is not just our own. Sure, we have our own head trash from the things that we experienced growing up or the things that we learned or the way that we were raised or how society told us to be as women. We have some of that head trash that we created, but other people put things into our head trash. It is our responsibility to sort and sift through our trash on a regular

basis. By the way, with my regular trash, I need to take it at least once or twice a week. If I don't, it gets disgusting, like super gross, especially in the summer when it's super hot. And so same thing with our head trash. We need to sift and sort. We need to decide what needs to be thrown away and let go of forever. Like it just doesn't need to take up space in our brain any longer. We need to decide what we want to recycle, what we want to reuse, what might work for us at a later date. We also need to decide what we need to compost, what we could use potentially for growth, what we could use to grow things in our mind and what could be helpful for us. But most certainly there are things that just need to be tossed.

And we need to be sorting through our head trash on a regular basis, especially when it gets hot. And what I mean by that is when you feel under pressure or overwhelmed or you're just feeling like there's too much to do, that is when our head trash kicks up into the highest level. That's when it needs to be sorted and sifted on a regular basis. So how are you managing your head trash? How are you catching yourself when the head trash starts to kick up into high gear? Whether it's using a recovery plan or the things you know to be true about you list or gentle, gentle, gentle, or something that you say to yourself or quote that you read, ladies, you got to take out the trash. It is time for us to let go of some of this head trash that we let live in our brain like it's part of us. Okay. So the last thing that I wanted to bring up based on a question that I'd gotten from one of our listeners after episode one was what about building confidence through working out and exercising?

Because I very clearly said that confidence is built internally, not externally. It's built from the inside out, not the outside in. And the question was posed, okay, but what about working out? Because that feels like an external thing. And it definitely makes me feel more confident. And this is the one area that I will put kind of in the gray area. And I've been thinking through this a lot. And here's what I think. And you can disagree. Totally fine. If you feel like confidence is, or if you feel like exercise is something that helps build your confidence and you want to put it into the external category,

I don't care. Good for you. Do whatever makes you feel more confident. But here's my perspective on it. What I find when I exercise regularly, what builds my confidence is the act of doing it. Like I can go for a run or do a workout and feel confident one hour later. And that certainly didn't do anything to change me externally in one hour. What I think it did is it made me feel strong. It made me feel committed. It made me feel like I kept an agreement that I made with myself. It made me feel strong. It made me feel committed. It made me feel like I kept an agreement that I made with myself. It made me feel like I prioritized myself. It made me feel like I took care of myself. And for me, these are all internal things.

And yes, of course, if you do it over time and you lose weight or you go down a size or you can lift something you couldn't lift before or whatever the case may be, I'm so happy that you're taking care of yourself. And I'm so happy that that builds confidence. But for me, I really still feel like this is something that comes from the inside. It's the choices that we make. It's the endorphins that we release. It's the pride that we feel in ourselves when we take care of our bodies and we make healthy choices. To me, that's what builds my confidence. out for an external reason. They want somebody's attention or they want to have the scale tell them a different number or they want their clothes to be a size lower or whatever the case may be. I'm not sure that I've experienced that to be super confidence building. It's more the act. It's more the effort that I have observed that builds confidence. Said another way, I know people who exercise and work out diligently, and they don't necessarily lose weight or change a size, but you can see and feel the confidence coming off them. And conversely, I know people who've lost a ton of

weight, maybe not the most healthy way, or have, you know, exercised to the point of almost killing themselves. And the confidence didn't stem from that. So again, we can agree to disagree on this point. It's not the hill I want to die on. But I do still firmly believe, even in that situation, that confidence is very much built from the inside out. Okay. So we have more to come on confidence building. I hope this was helpful. Please work on your recovery plans. This has been a big game changer for me in getting back into action faster. Okay, that's it for my conversation on confidence building today. Definitely more to come.

But I wanted to address some questions or comments that had come up from our original episode on confidence building. I'd also like to read something from my recovery plan. My recovery plan, as you might imagine, has quotes all over it as 12 items of things that I can do that make me feel good, remind me what's important, make me feel motivated. But at the very end of it, I write something where I talk to myself. And the point here is sort of to coach myself. And so I'll read that to you because it hopefully resonates and it just gives you some insight into what this might look like. Okay. So at the very bottom of my recovery plan, it says this, perfectionism is the enemy of confidence live. Let it go. She's watching you. She is JJ for me.

Move forward. Do what you'll hope she'll do when faced with the same situation. Be an example. Be brave. If you can't move forward for yourself, do it for her. Let her know when you make mistakes, but show her that our mistakes don't define us unless we let them. Be yourself because what's the alternative? Everyone else is already taken. And this, my loves, is most certainly woman's work.