This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 009 / #NotDearAbby: Ask The Woman Whisperer?

Episode Date: March 11, 2020

In this episode, Nicole answers questions from our listeners on how to build a business while dating at the same time, tackles nuances to consider when doing financial planning as a woman, and at the end shares something a little silly about herself (something only those closest to her know...until now). :) Asking for help and support, as well as getting different perspectives from other women is SO important. And being real and honest in our answers can make us all better both individually and collectively. This is Woman’s Work. Learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast at NicoleKalil.com

Hi, friends. I am Nicole Kalil, and you are listening to the This is Woman's Work podcast. In today's episode, we're going to try something a little new. I have had a handful of people reach out with questions over the last few weeks, and my team and I had this idea. Actually, it was me who had this idea, but I'm saying my team because if it fails miserably, then I'm not alone in this decision. But we sort of talked through this idea of having one podcast per month or so be an opportunity to answer questions and provide my perspective on some of the things that are going on in your brains, whether it be questions or head trash or tips or tricks. We just thought it would be really great to share forward the most relevant information that we can. So we don't have a name

for this yet. It's sort of Dear Abby, except for I'm not so much going to be giving advice, rather more my perspective, my observations and experiences as is true with anything I share with you. I'm just trying to give you the way I see things or the things that have helped me. If it works for you, resonates, feels relevant, then keep it. If it doesn't, then toss it out and keep asking the questions. Again, I don't think I speak to everyone or for everyone. And so, you know, again, this is just my perspective. So dear Abby, like the advice side didn't really work. And then we talked about like calling it, ask the woman whisperer, which, um, is kind of funny because I never whisper anything. Like I'm one of the loudest humans there are. So, uh, you know,

help us come up with a name and we'll keep doing this if it's helpful and it resonates with you. Okay. So let's start with the first question I got from Ashley. And the question looks like this. I would love to hear you talk through building a business while dating at the same time. How do you and Jay continue to have a successful relationship while also building a business? So great question. Just to give a little bit of background, both Jay and I are entrepreneurs. He is super successful as a financial advisor. I've now built a few businesses and we did meet while both working at the same company. To dispel any rumors, we did not do any inter-office dating. We met long distance. He was in Boston. I was

out in California in the Los Angeles area. And we met through a mutual friend. So I often say, you know, I swam in the company ocean, but I didn't fish off the company pier, if you know what I mean. So anyways, when we met, I was a little bit on an upswing professionally, as was Jay. But when he moved out to California after we'd been doing long distance for a year, he kind of had to restart his business. So the earlier phases of our business, he was the one really building his business. So at the earlier phases of our business, he was the one really building his business. And trust me, I was very professionally minded, but I was just a little bit more established. And several years later, Jay's business had totally taken off. And I looked at him and said, I'm going to step down from this very safe, comfortable role that I have now and start my

own business. And he was unbelievably supportive. And then we moved out here and we've kind of gone back and forth a few times. So we know a thing or two about building a relationship while also simultaneously building a business. And here's, I think, where the questions stem from and what Ashley had kind of given some context around was we all know that building a business requires a ton of time and energy and effort. And you sort of invest all of yourself into this business. And so how do you do that while dating? Because obviously dating and it requires for you to invest of yourself and your time and your energy. And sort of the question was posed, is this selfish? Is it selfish to want to build your business? And here's my first reaction. Are we asking men that question? When a man wants to

build his business or achieve professional success or be on a particular professional growth trajectory, but also wants to date, do we ask him if he's being selfish? I don't think that happens very often. And I think that's more of a question that's put on women. And so because it's not being asked of men very often, I think we should just stop asking ourselves or other women that altogether, personal opinion. But let me answer the question directly. It is absolutely not selfish to chase your passion, to live out your purpose, to build something that means something to you. That is not selfish. In fact, more often than not, when I ask women why they're building their businesses, the outcome, what they're trying to accomplish, they more often

than not talk about the impact that they want to have on other people, their community, other women, people in general. They want to build a business, but they also want to have a great impact. And it comes a lot from a giving place. So that just by definition has to be unselfish. So bear with me for a second, because I think what I'm about to say is going to surprise you my opinion is that you should never choose your business over somebody that you love bear with me Jay and I's relationship is the most important thing to me I would never choose my business nor would he ever choose his business over our relationship, over our partnership. Okay. So here's the second part of that.

You should never choose somebody else over yourself. Always choose yourself. So what is this business for you? Is it something you're doing to generate some money? Then, you know, I don't know, go for it. But if you find somebody who lights you up and it doesn't work for you to keep building that business and you're totally in love and you mutually agree that maybe it makes sense for you to take a step back a little bit, go for it. More power to you. As long as it's a mutual decision and it's coming from a place of what is good for both of you and what you both want. But if this business is a part of you, it's a part of your purpose, your passion, why you feel you were put here on earth to do these things, then for the love of God, don't ever let any relationship, any potential partner, any person you're dating, anybody ever talk you out of that. And here's the thing. If they love you, like love you, all of you,

the whole you, the real you, they'd never ask you to. So, you know, I guess my tips here are to be honest and to be passionate when you meet somebody. And as a friendly and loving reminder, it may be a little bit more challenging to find the right partner if you can stand on your own two feet and if you're up to exceptional things and you're going to accomplish something really big, I've said this before, it's pretty easy for mediocre people to find other mediocre people. If you are going to be exceptional, if you are exceptional and you're choosing to do exceptional work, hey, it might just be a little harder. It might take a little longer to find your exceptional match, but I promise you when you do, it is 1000% worth it. Jay and his friends, um, kind of talk about being better than basic, like as men, they want to be better than basic men. Um, and more to come on that, but I

just think it's so cool. Uh, I don't know how many, you know, amazing men are out that, but I just think it's so cool. I don't know how many amazing men are out there, but I do know they're out there. And I do know there are men who will appreciate a strong, successful, driven woman. And I think to a certain extent, our job is to love ourselves, accept ourselves, become confident in ourselves in the time that it takes for us to find, meet that person. And again, in the interim, leverage your other relationships, your friendships, your family, your business friends, so that you stay loved and connected and motivated along the way. So Ashley, I hope that helps. I hope that answers your question. I know, and I hope you're not feeling the pain that I felt in my 20s and early 30s. I know how hard it can be. I also know standing here today that it was so

worth it. I am so proud of my business and I am so proud of my relationship and my partnership. So hopefully that's a little bit of encouragement for you. Okay. Second question came from Katie. I had shared an article on my business Facebook that a good friend and total badass financial advisor had shared, Cassie Rotman, about the nuances to consider when doing financial planning as a woman. What's the differences for women as we create our financial plans and save for the future versus our male counterparts. So if you want to see that article, go to my business Facebook page, or I think I shared it on Instagram as well. Anyways, great content there. But the question that came through is what are some of

the things women must do or need to know that are different than men when creating their financial plan? And Cassie hit on a lot of the things that I think are super important. The reality is we live longer. So as you think about retirement, you got to save a little bit more and start a little bit earlier. Also, she talked about working with a financial advisor. The bulk of my professional work has been in the financial planning industry. And I know it gets a bad rap. And here's what I'll tell you from working on the inside. There are some incredible humans that are doing this work. There are people who genuinely care about their clients and will

absolutely tell you to do the things that they would do if they were in your shoes. People you can trust, people who are honest. Now, that's certainly not 100% of them, but that's true in any industry. And so while I know it gets a bad rap, I would highly encourage you to find a financial advisor that you trust. Best way to do that is ask people who are similar to you, maybe at a similar life stage or similar growth trajectory or similar occupation. If they have a financial advisor that they work with, that they really like and trust and are willing to recommend you to, I think that's always the best way. Word of mouth is how you want to find or a referral from a trusted friend or coworker is how you want to meet your financial advisor. I don't think you want to go on Yelp or, you know, on the internet

and go searching. Find somebody who's actually worked with this person and can vouch for the work that they do. Now, I have a female financial advisor, or Jay and I have a female financial advisor or Jay and I have a female financial advisor. I explained that in a previous podcast. Um, and because that's important to me, all things being equal, I'm, I, you know, want to choose the woman. Um, if for whatever reason, and a man is more, you know, knowledgeable or better equipped or the better fit, I will choose to work with a man too. So I'm not suggesting you should only work with a female financial advisor. But when you meet with your financial advisor, you should ask if there's anything different to consider as a woman as you begin to create or update or establish your financial plan. If they say no, then go

find another financial advisor because there are absolutely nuances. There are absolutely differences and different challenges and different advantages being a woman. And you want your financial advisor to know about that regardless of their gender. Okay. But here's the real answer to the question. The most important thing that I think all women must do, or at least like 98% of women must do as it relates to their financial planning and their financial future is they must get disability insurance. Okay. Disability insurance, I think, is very misunderstood. And in all of my work, I've gotten the opportunity to see not only how it works and understand the products a little bit better, but also how it plays out when somebody actually gets sick or injured. And I think a lot of times when people think about disability insurance, they think about

like complete disability, like being confined to a wheelchair or never being able to work again. And that is a complete myth. Most people who receive disability benefits are only disabled for a temporary period of time because of injury or sickness. So for example, you know, God forbid, finding out you have cancer and needing to go through treatments or, you know, having a mental or emotional disorder like anxiety or, you know, getting in an accident on a ski trip, things like that. Most disability claims are actually shorter term. And so I think a lot of times people are thinking about it wrong when they think about whether or not they need it. But here's the real thing. If you are working because you need to make an income, like if you're not working voluntarily, like if you're not just doing it for fun, then you need your income and that income needs to be protected. Now you might get something

through work and that's awesome if you have an employer that provides you benefits, great, but nine times out of 10, it's not enough. It's not everything that you need. And so most women, 98% of us, we need to get disability insurance because if something happens to us, whether it's short-term or long-term, we need to continue to move forward in our lives. We still have a mortgage to pay. We still have bills to pay. And you might not be, again, totally and permanently disabled. You might still want to have a life. And here's a little bit of a pet peeve. I've heard this from my advisors that I've coached when they talk to their clients about disability and people say things like, oh, I'll just move back with my parents or my friends will help out. Okay. I'm going to just be a truth teller here for a second. And I apologize if I offend anybody,

but this is really truly the way that I see it. If your plan, if something bad happens to you, is to move back with your parents or to rely on a friend or to set up a GoFundMe account, then you are not operating as an independent woman. I'm sorry if that hits a little hard, but it is the God honest truth. If you want to stand on your own two feet, if you want to be a woman who takes care of yourself no matter what, whether you get married, whether you don't, whether you get hurt, whether you don't, whether you stay at this job or move to another, then you must, absolutely must get disability insurance. Unless you are independently wealthy or have a great deal of passive income that you don't need to work for. Or as I said

before, if you are going to work at least in part because you need your income, then you need disability insurance. Okay. I got a little heated and passionate there, but this is just a little bit of a pet peeve. Not because I'm a financial advisor. I'm not. I did do some client facing work way back when early on my career. This passion comes more from the coaching work that I've done with so many advisors and the work that I've done with so many different financial service companies and really seeing from the inside how important this is. Okay. Again, Katie, I hope I answered your question and I hope I didn't offend, but I'm going to be a truth teller on this one.

All right. My last thing was a question that I was actually asked in an interview. So I did an interview for a blog and one of the questions was, if you could have any superpower, what would it be? And my answer was about my mission and making sure that we eliminate all gender expectations and all of that. But I want to tell you the real answer. I mean, my mission is my mission. That is a real answer. But my superpower, my sister and I had this conversation so many years back, and we still hysterically laugh about this because at the end of the day, the superpower I would choose, if I could,

would be to shoot condiments out of my fingers. Yes, you heard that right. Like ranch dressing would come out of my pinky and nacho cheese sauce would come out of my pointer finger and sour cream and blah, blah, blah. I might even have some mixers in there for drinks, but that would be my superpower if I really really truly am being honest and could really choose anything in the world. I did, by the way, tell this to Jay, not on our first date. I want to say it was like our fifth or sixth date or something like that. And when he laughed and actually called me the next day, I knew we were meant to be because that was one of those things that like,

when I tell people, they're like, you should probably not really tell people that. And, and I just went public with it. So, you know, such is life. Okay. So again, if you have any better idea for what we can call this podcast episode, besides ask the woman whisperer, dear Abby, because obviously I'm not Abby, we would love to hear your input. And if you have any questions that you want to ask, go to our website and use the contact page or send me a message on social media. I'm very much trying to build my Instagram following. I am very late to the game on this. So if you want to connect with me at Nicole M. Khalil and send me a message, any questions you have, we will catch you next month. And I hope this was as fun for you as it was for me. And let me end with this. Asking for help

and support and different perspectives from other women is so important. And us as women being real and honest in our answers, and frankly, not taking everything so seriously, that can make us all better individually and collectively as women. So thank you, ladies, for trusting me with your questions. I hope my answers help. And as I said before, if they don't resonate, just throw it out and keep asking. Hopefully there are a couple little nuggets that stood out to you. And if nothing less, you get to think about me shooting condiments out of my fingers from now on. All right. So together we are redefining what woman's

work is and what it looks like. So thank you for joining in. And this is Woman's Work.