This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 016 / Friendships And Staying Connected

Episode Date: May 6, 2020

In this episode, Nicole shares her perspective on friendships, and the importance of reaching out to the RIGHT friend who can support you in your time of need. And how now (more than ever!) is the time to nurture and build that tribe. Spending time with the people we love, who give us a mental and emotional break from our everyday demands, is so necessary. Now is a great time to reflect on our friendships both past and present. To give thanks to those who at one time supported us, and to reach out to those in our lives today. Who comes to mind as you listen to this? Make time today to call that person, to share a laugh, to be there for each other, and to love on. This is Woman’s Work To learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast, visit us at NicoleKalil.com

I am Nicole Khalil and you are listening to the This is Woman's Work podcast, where together we are redefining what it actually means to be doing woman's work. And you're listening during the coronavirus. So first and foremost, I want to congratulate you for creating, finding, making the time to prioritize something like this, something that hopefully brings you joy, makes you feel better, and really is an investment in your own development or sanity right now. And because of that, I wanted to focus our time together today on friendships. Why? Because I have a feeling that's what most of us are missing the most. Sure, we miss other things. Like honestly,

on the other side of this, I'm going to book the longest massage they'll let me, and they're probably going to have to kick me off the table at the end of it. We miss travel. We miss going out to dinner. I miss sending my kid to school. Like there are so many things that we are missing right now. But in my conversations with other women, what seems to be at the top of the list is we miss our friends. We miss our extended family that feel like friends. We miss our personal and professional tribes. I think we're getting a huge reminder of the value of friendship. The impact that spending time with the people we love and the people who love us back, the people who let us vent, who understand and say things like,

it's going to be okay. The people who can give us a hug, who give us the mental and emotional break from our day-to-day responsibilities and demands. the people we can just go grab dinner or a drink with. That I think is what we're all missing the most. And so I wanted to talk about friendship, A, because I think it's top of mind for all of us. And B, it's a topic I actually hear a lot of in the coaching work that I do with women, especially women in their 20s and 30s, because our friendships, our relationships with people in our lives change and evolve. And I think that that can be a struggle for a lot of people navigating through it. And so on that note, I wanted to start by talking about the value of both temporary and permanent friendships. So temporary or convenient friendships are

friendships that often mold out of a situation. So for example, when we were in high school and college, our friendships molded out of being in close proximity, doing similar activities, or being parts of similar clubs or sports or what have you. There were people that we were around on a regular enough basis that friendships formed naturally and were fairly easy to maintain. So that can be true as we get older in, for example, work relationships or when our kids, if you have kids, when our kids play with other kids, we sometimes become close friends with those kids' parents. And I'm not saying that these are always going to be temporary relationships or relationships out of convenience. I am putting them in a

category though of they tend to just be easier. You don't have to go out of your way in those situations to create time, make time, and maintain friendships because you see each other on a regular enough basis. So, you know, right now it may not be as easy as walking down the hall and running into a coworker that's also a friend. But, you know, there are a lot of Zoom meetings going on and we tend to see our work friends or our kids, you know, parent friends a little bit easier. And some of those relationships evolve into permanent friendships, but there is value in them even when they're temporary. And I think it's really important that we acknowledge that certain people are probably not meant to be in our lives forever, but that doesn't diminish their value.

That doesn't diminish the role that they played in our lives at a time where we needed them. I am so grateful for some of the friends that I had at certain times in my life that at this point, I don't really talk to anymore other than seeing what they're up to on social media. And I think of them and I'm grateful for them. And I hope that they're happy and well, and I'm so grateful for who they were in a time in my life where I needed them. But that didn't mean that they were meant to be permanent friendships. The reason I bring this up is I think we as women feel and create a lot of guilt for ourselves when we outgrow friendships or we outgrow relationships or we evolve past them. Maybe outgrow is not the right word. It's not that you're better than them or that, you know, that you've outgrown them because

they're somehow less than you. That's not at all what I'm saying. I'm just saying that the time in which it was easy and convenient has passed. And so you're in a moment where you actually have to ask yourself, is this friendship worth the extra effort and energy and time that I'm going to have to devote and commit to maintain it. And it's okay when the answer is no. And then there are these permanent relationships. These are friends that come into our lives and they're just destined to stay with us for the whole journey. And I think these permanent friends are a little bit different and they may not be as easy or as convenient, or they might be for a period of time, but at some point it might not be.

But what really draws you together and keeps you together ultimately are the fact that you have shared values and beliefs. The things that are most important to you, the thing that you value above everything else, those things you share in common. And so there's that connection because of that. They also share in your joys and your heartbreaks. You share in each other's joys and heartbreaks. These people accept you for who you are, the good, the bad, the ugly, the mundane, and they're there no matter what's going on. The events in your life, said another way, don't define you. So if you had a bad moment or you made a big mistake or you're going through a big challenge and you might not be the most fun to be around at that point in time. Your permanent friends will stay with you

during that time because they know your mistakes, your worst moments, your bad times don't define you. They don't say anything about your value and your worth. And even during those times, they still see you as your potential, as the value of what you bring, and the best of who you are. These are people you can be real with, and they'll be real with you. You can speak your truth, and they'll speak theirs. It's not always happy and comfortable all the time with these permanent friends, because they're willing to be real with you. They're willing to tell you when you're being a jerk or when you might be making a stupid mistake. They'll still stand by you when you're doing it, but they're willing to tell you. And so my point here, my friends, is that relationships evolve. Friendships evolve. Why? Because you do. You are going to change things in your life, like your careers, where you live, your relationship status, whether or not you have children. Those things are going to change both for yourself and the people in your world. And sometimes those things evolve

and change your friendships. And that's okay. You can still be grateful and love the person for who they were at a period in your life that you needed them. And then some of those people are in it for the long haul, and they're going to stay with you through all of those changes. So I think of a work friend that I had for many years. She was my go-to person and we would go for drinks and happy hours and she knew all the professional and personal angst and all the stuff. And I think of her so often and I love her deeply and dearly and I'm so grateful, forever grateful for who she was. And I can tell you we haven't talked on the phone since I moved from California

to Boston. And that doesn't say anything about her or her value. And I don't think it says anything about me and my value. It's just, it was a easier and more convenient friendship. And I'm so grateful for it. And I hope she is too, but it may not have been meant to be a permanent forever friendship. So that's my two cents on sort of the difference. And I think no matter what, we have an opportunity to be grateful. But then there's another category of friendships, friendships that drain you of energy, friendships that no longer serve you, friendships that are no longer good for you. Those are also meant to be temporary, but that might be more of like in the breakup category and may take a little bit of extra effort to maintain the gratitude and the love that you once felt. And so let's talk a

little bit about friendships that maybe need to be broken up with, or I put it in the category of who has time for friends like that? Who has time for friends that try to make you feel guilty all the time? Who has time for friends that try to tear you down? Who has time for friends that don't accept and support your choices or that are jealous of you or that don't want the best for you or don't celebrate your wins or even worse, are jealous when you have good things going on in your life? Who has time for friendships like that generally, but even more so right now? I feel like for a lot of us, time is a commodity we just don't have enough of. And so why give your time to people who suck you of energy? I don't

care how great they were or how wonderful of a friend they were at a period of time in your life, you might have outgrown them. Now, I believe that nobody can make you feel or do anything without your permission. So a friend can't make you feel guilty without your permission. But if you have people in your life who try to make you feel guilty or who press those, you know, guilt buttons on you as much as they can, I'd say it's time to move on. I love the type of friend that it's like, I haven't talked to you in a week or a month or three months. And we just sort of pick up where we left off. And there's no, where have you been? Why haven't you called? What have you been doing?

Who has time for that? There are so many more important things in life. Or the friend who, like I said, tries to tear you down. I see this a lot with women, whether it's the comments we make directly to somebody or behind their back. Like, what is this? We as women, I think, have an opportunity to break this pattern of being our own worst enemies. Here's my take on that. If you have somebody in your life that is gossiping about you or talking about you behind your back or saying hurtful things to you on a regular basis, here's what I know to be true about this. All of that tells me that they are an insecure person. When people gossip, when people judge and compare and do all those things, it's a sure sign that they lack confidence. It's a sure sign of their insecurity. And so when I see people doing that, I often say to myself, that tells me more about you than it does about me.

If somebody is gossiping about you behind their back, what's more telling is the fact that they're doing it. The fact that they'd be willing to betray a friend, share secrets, talk negatively about somebody they claim to care about, that says more about them than whatever it is they're actually saying says about you. And so, and I say this again with love, if you are out there talking about somebody who you claim to be your friend, if you're gossiping, if you're not feeling happy when they have victories, I'm going to challenge you to check yourself. Because what that is doing is telling everybody, yourself included, more about you. It's expressing your lack of confidence more than it is saying anything about the person you're talking about. If you have beef with a friend, go to the source.

Tell them. Now, I know that that's hard and we don't like hurting each other's feelings, but that is part of permanent friendship. If you're not willing to have the tough conversations, if you're not willing to share a concern or express something that's, that's bothering you, that's also probably a good sign that that person may not be meant to be a permanent friend. Maybe it is temporary because for permanent friends, I think you have to care enough to be willing to get uncomfortable yourself for the benefit of that friend. Another thing that I think is worth noting, and I don't know if this is just a woman thing, but it is certainly more of a woman thing. This thing that we were taught at a very young age to rank our friends. Like,

you are my best friend. And then two weeks later, no, this person's my best friend, or you're my second best friend, or like this sort of like ranking that we do in our heads. And how much energy, at least I can remember in my early life spending trying to figure out who was my best friend or who I was their best friend and really aspiring to that. What is that? When I look at men, they don't do that as much. I mean, they might say, okay, that person's my best friend, but there is not this emphasis on ranking their friends. They can have a large group of friends and not have people feel jealous or worried where they are on the ranking list. And I think that that's something that we could learn from our male counterparts. Because my belief is the best thing that we can do for ourselves is surround

ourselves with a group of people with different strengths and different things that you can count on them for and different personalities and different areas of strength. And the reason I say that is because I think an opportunity that we have as women is to know who our friends are and what we can and can't rely on them for. Similarly, we have an opportunity to know what type of friend we are and what our friends can and can't rely on them for. Similarly, we have an opportunity to know what type of friend we are and what our friends can and can't count on us for. So having a tribe that delivers different types of love and support to you so that you can get what you need when you need it is an incredibly impactful way to look at friendship, in my opinion.

I don't think that it's possible for one person to deliver on all of our needs and deliver all of the different ways of support that we might need through our lifetime. This is a little bit of a mistake I believe that we make when we look for partners as well. We often look for one person to be our end-all be-all. Like this person is going to deliver and meet all of our needs and be there for us at all of our times where we might need it. And they're going to say and do all of the right things. Like what is that? That is a crazy expectation to put on another person. Yet we do it. And what would it look like if we released ourselves and our friends from all of these high expectations and we just loved each other for who we were and what we brought to the

table? So I'll give you an example. And this was a little bit challenging for me to figure out over the course of my life. And I felt guilty about it for a while. And now I've just gotten to the point where I own it. I am the type of friend that you can count on for the big stuff. I will always show up for the big stuff. If you just had a major heartbreak and, you know, are going through a divorce or broke up with who you thought was the love of your life, I will get on a plane.

I will go where you are. We will go get away if we can. And I will help you and be there for you during those really, really tough moments. If somebody did something horrible, I'm the friend who's going to help you hide the body. Okay, not really. Don't say that that's on record or anything like that. But you get the idea. I'm a show up for the big stuff kind of person. But the flip side of that is I kind of suck at the little stuff. Like I'm not the world's most thoughtful friend. I forget birthdays. I forget like, oh my gosh, I know you told me this thing was coming up and I just blanked on following up how it went. I don't send the thoughtful notes in the mail. And I have some friends who do that and it is so lovely.

And every time I get it, I'm like, oh, I wish I was that type of friend, but I'm just not. And so the people in my life, I hope, that love me and that are like my permanent friends, they know what to count on me for and they know what not to count on me for. Another example of this is like, I will help you problem solve and decision make and support you in any way I can, but I'm not the friend that you can tell the same story to over and over and over again and expect me to, you know, just listen and feel sorry for you and all of that. I'm a, like, if you have time to complain about it, you have time to do something about it type of person. So, you know, I sometimes can be a little bit of a jerk and a little bit too direct. And I feel bad about that. But the people who love me and know me, they know that.

They know what they can count on me for. And they don't call me if they want to talk about the same story for the seventh time. Okay. So now that I sound like a really bad friend, I want to flip that. I don't call my friends and expect them to deliver something that isn't in their sweet spot. So I have a friend that I call if I want to vent and just need somebody to listen and love on me and tell me everything's going to be okay. But I have a different friend that I call if I need a swift kick in the ass.

I have the friend that's like, all right, what are you going to do about it? Enough venting, let's go. So I think what I'm trying to say here is build a tribe of people and begin to know who they are. Don't put them on this pedestal of perfection and that they're gonna be your end all be all because it's not fair to them. At some point in time, they're not gonna deliver and it's not their problem.

It's your problem because you put them on a pedestal. Rather than doing that, why not surround ourselves with a variety of different types of people? People who you can call if you want to go and have a great time. Maybe a different person that you call if you want to have a really serious heart to heart. Maybe a different person you call if you have a professional challenge and you really want to strategize through it. Building these tribes so that we can become and be well rounded individuals and also be loved and cared for in the way that we need when we need it is such a great way to approach friendship. And then it prevents us, hopefully, from getting upset when our friends don't deliver in the way we wanted them to, because we can pick and choose what we want and need in the moment and call the right person. So I guess my point here is, if you think about it, ranking our

friends is sort of silly. Now, you might argue, you know, that permanent friends versus temporary friends, that's a little bit of a way of categorizing our friends, but that's okay. At some points in my life, my temporary friends are my go-tos because it's the right thing for me right then. And then my permanent friends, I just know they're always going to be there. If a friend consistently leaves you feeling drained, or it's always a one-way street, or what brought you together is no longer relevant, it might be time to break up with that friend or move on from that friend. And here's my point.

And be grateful for that friend because they were somebody to you at a point in your life where you needed them. And what a great gift that is. Or in some cases, you may not choose to break up or move on, but maybe it's about recalibrating what you can and can't count on them for. You know, I have a friend who was a dear friend for a very long period of time. And now because of distance and being at, you know, different life stages and all that, like she's my friend that I call when I just want to go out and have a great time or when I need a really good laugh. And that's okay. That's totally fine. But with everything that's going on right now, I would submit to you that friendships may be more important today than they ever have been. Because what do

friendships do? They basically fill your tank. When you're running low on energy, when you're running low on support, when you're running low on love and feeling accepted, friendships can fill that tank. Your people, your tribe, they fill that tank. And let's be honest, we don't get mad at our cars when they run out of gas if we forgot to fill up the tank, right? So why do we get mad at ourselves and beat ourselves up when we run low on energy, when we run low on patience, when we run low on forgiveness, rather than getting pissed off and beating ourselves up, I say fill the tank. Call your friends, call your people, call your tribe, whether it's a virtual happy hour or

picking up the phone or texting back and forth or talking to your partner and kids if you need to and just saying, you know what, I need an hour of time and I'm going to lock myself up and I'm going to talk to my friend and I'm going to come back and my tank is going to have more gas in it. And that's better for everybody. Find the people right now who are committed to your greatest potential. Find the people who know no matter what's going on, if you had a bad parenting moment, if you're having a tough career moment, if you're having financial struggles, whatever the case may be in your current environment, that they are going to be there to listen, to love you through it, to potentially give great ideas or advice or strategy, but call the friend that's the right friend to call based on what you need

right now. So ask yourself in this moment, what do I need right now? Is it love? Is it support? Is it a, it's all going to be okay? Is it a, you've got this? Is it a get into action? And then based on what you need, who is the person in your tribe or the people in your tribe that are best equipped to give it to you? Call them, ask for help, going it alone and, and, and trying to run on empty fumes on an empty tank is just not an effective or smart way to do it. Call your tribe, fill your tank, reach out to your people, ask them how they're doing. Really, like how are you really doing? Be there for each other. Make time to hear each other's voices. Make time to see each other's faces right now. Do a drive-by drop-off of a little gift or send a note in the mail. I mean, how long has it been

since we used snail mail? How fun is it right now to get a note of appreciation or a note of love. Tell your friends what makes them amazing, what you're grateful for, and how they matter to you right now. I think we all can use a little bit of extra love and encouragement. When I think of what redefining women's work actually means, one of the most important places in my mind to start is how we as women treat each other, how we support each other, how we stand for each other as women. We've got to stop the gossiping. We've got to stop the behind each other's back conversations. We got to stop the tearing each other down. I know this is an old expression that we probably all heard, but if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything

at all. And I'm going to say this as directly as possible, but if you don't have anything nice to say about your friends, then shut the F up. Seriously. Because if you don't, if you go out and you blab and you gossip and you tear down, you're actually decreasing your own confidence. You're doing more damage to yourself than you are whoever it is that you're talking about. Let's be better for each other. Let's stand for each other. Let's cheer for each other. Because here's what I know to be true. When women rise, we all rise. When women rise, everyone rises.

And this is absolutely woman's work.