This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 019 / Your Recovery Plan - How To Get Back Into Action Faster

Episode Date: May 27, 2020

We all experience tough days and setbacks, but we don’t all recover at the same pace. What makes some people recover faster, with tenacity and more confidence? They have a plan and it propels them back into action. In this episode, I share my Recovery Plan - what it is, why I needed one in my life, and I walk you step by step on how you can create your very own. We will all experience rough patches, rejections, and heartbreaks. In fact, the bigger and braver we choose to live our life, the more we will face these challenges. If we agree those things are coming, then we need to have a plan. By having a Recovery Plan, we can make better choices during difficult times, so that we can reach our goals, and experience the joy and the freedom on the other side much faster than if left to our own devices. This is Woman’s Work Download the PDF guide to start designing your Recovery Plan here: https://nicolekalil.com/design-your-recovery-plan To learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast, visit us at NicoleKalil.com

I am Nicole Khalil and you are listening to the This Is Woman's Work podcast, where together we are redefining what it actually means to be doing woman's work. Today I want to talk about how we can recover faster, how we can recover better from our tough days, the things that we can do to refocus ourselves when our head trash takes over and ultimately is in the driver's seat. How we can begin to choose kindness towards ourselves instead of constantly beating ourselves up. What I'm going to talk about today is also in helping me to build my overall confidence. So before I get into the recovery plan and how to design it, let me set the stage for where this came from. I'm going to go all the way back to high school, yes, that long ago, and share with you that I don't think I was a mean girl in high school.

I hope nobody I went to high school with would say that. But what I can say is I don't think I had a lot of empathy for others during that time in my life. I hadn't really experienced heartbreak from a first love or wanting something really badly and not getting it. I certainly had my challenges and my not so good moments in high school, but I guess from the outside looking in, it probably looked like I was living a pretty good life. And I was. There were, you know, again, some challenges, but generally speaking, things were pretty good. Until my last year of high school, I fell in love. My first love,

and things were great, and it was amazing, and he taught me a lot, and there was really great things that came from that relationship. But mostly what came from that relationship was heartbreak. About a year and a half later, we broke up and, well, I should say he broke up with me and I didn't know what to do with that. And my brain went to what is wrong with me? What did I do? How can I fix this? And let's just say it spiraled from there. I developed a pretty significant eating disorder because I had in my mind if I just looked perfect enough. I also didn't feel in control anymore. I wasn't able to choose who I wanted to be with and have that person want to be with me. And it just created a lot of stuff. So flash forward into my 20s and I'm still in love with this guy who's not in love with me and I wasn't getting over this relationship.

And it was doing so much damage to me mentally and emotionally. And ultimately what was happening is I was making bad choice after bad choice. I was hurting and I was wondering what was wrong with me. I was feeling lonely and emotionally exhausted. And I noticed that I wasn't making the best choices. My choices often had me feel good in the moment, only to leave me feeling disappointed, angry, and frustrated with myself a few minutes later. I was in this vicious cycle of beating myself up. And so what I began to do is pay

attention to other people, other successful people, people who, and by the way, I don't define success in this as professionally or financially, though that was a component of it. I was really looking at people who seemed to have the types of life that I aspired to. They had good relationships with others. They seemed confident and comfortable in their own skin. They were successful in their life, in their relationships, in their careers. And so I started being an observer of successful people. And what I began to realize is that these people had an ability to fail forward. It wasn't that they didn't have tough days. It wasn't that they didn't face

rejections or that they didn't have heartbreaks. It was when that they didn't face rejections or that they didn't have heartbreaks. It was when they did, I was able to observe that they somehow were able to keep going. They seemed to recover faster. It brings to mind, and I'm going to date myself here, which I probably already did. But when I was young, there was a toy called a weeble wobble. And it would wobble, but it would never fall down. Like you could knock it over, but it popped right back up. And these people that I was observing mentally started equating with these weeble wobbles. They had this skill of tenacity.

And there were a variety of different reasons they did this. I saw in some cases that they had a vision or a purpose for their lives that was bigger than themselves or bigger than the pain or the moments that they were going through. And that was really the driving force of them failing forward. I also observed some of these people just had a really strong belief in themselves, a strong understanding of who they were and where their talents were and what made them unique and special. And they were able to really dig deep into that belief in themselves during those moments. And that might've been what kept them going and propelled them forward. Or in some cases, they were just really tough-minded

or thick-skinned people. It sort of, by observation, seemed that the things that were happening didn't affect them as much as they would have affected me. Or they were able to let it kind of bounce off them. And now I know that I'm sure that those things affected them and hurt them, but they just, you know, had something that drove them back to what was important, what really mattered, and enabled to move forward. And ultimately, I wanted more of that and less of feeling like crap. I wanted more of purpose and belief in myself and that thick skin. And I wanted less of beating myself up and saying hateful and awful things about myself to myself in my own head. So I knew I needed to redirect my energy, my thoughts, and my choices. I needed a plan

because I was beginning to realize that when left to my own devices, I was not making the healthiest choices. I started really thinking about what were the things that actually brought me good energy? What were the things that had me feeling motivated? What were the things that I did that I felt confident in myself when I did them? What were the things that reminded me who I am, that reminded me what's important to me, and that reminded me where I wanted to go? And out of that stemmed this recovery plan. So what it looks like for me, and I'm going to share my recovery plan, the version that I have today. And trust me, there's been many versions since I started doing

this. But what I wanted to do was share more how to build it. So what is a recovery plan? A recovery plan is ultimately three things. First, it is a written plan. This is incredibly important because if it's not written, if it's just in your head, you're leaving yourself in those tough times, in those rough moments, in those periods where you're not feeling super confident or you're not, you know, making the healthiest choices. You're leaving yourself to your own devices. You're hoping that you'll remember that or that thought will come into your head. And so it's so important that this be written down. I always think of a plan as I want to be,

I want to plan for the best. I want to hope for the best, but I also want to be prepared for the worst. And so that was my concept here. It needed to be written. It needed to be something I could grab and look at at any point in time to remind me what were the healthy choices, what were the better choices for me to make in those moments. So that's the second thing that a recovery plan needs to be. It needs to be accessible. So my recovery plan is pinned on my It needs to be accessible. So my recovery plan is pinned on my bulletin board. I can literally see it right now. I have a copy on my

desktop, on my computer. I have a copy folded in my glove compartment. If you listen to episode seven on this, you know that I had a really hard time coming up with the words glove compartment. That's where my recovery plan lives. I have one in my bedside table. It just needs to be where I can grab it whenever I need it. Because I really don't know when those moments are coming. I really don't know what might knock me off my game or have me wobble. And so I just needed to be able to grab it whenever I needed it. And then finally, your recovery plan needs to be customized to you. What brings me energy

may not give you that same level of energy. What motivates me may not motivate you. So as you look at my recovery plan, if you do, it's important that you just don't take mine and try to work it. There might be some things that resonate that you want to borrow and please do, but it's so important that your recovery plan speaks to you. So there are lots of options that you can do. You'll notice on mine, I have a few quotes. I'm a big quote person.

If there is a quote that speaks to you, if there is a quote that reminds you who you are or what's important to you, put that quote on your recovery plan. You'll also notice I talk to myself. I coach myself. If there's something that people say to you or something you wish people would say to you during your tough moment, write that to yourself. Write a note or a message to yourself from a position of strength to yourself at a time where you might not be feeling strong. There is also the opportunity to put your vision. If you have a vision that lights you up and gives you the tingles that's already written or that you want to work on, do that. I'll be honest. I have never been that great with vision. I love helping other people achieve theirs, but

I'm not always the best at writing down what I want for my life three years from now, five years from now, 10 years from now. So that hasn't really worked for me and that's okay. But if it works for you, then put your vision on your recovery plan. And then whatever it is that reminds you what's important and brings you energy, you know, start there. But then you want to put a list of things that you can do. These are action-based things because again, let me remind you, action builds confidence. And when you're having a tough moment, you're going to act regardless. You're either going to act by curling up in the fetal position and hiding in bed, or you're going to act by drinking a bottle of wine, or you're going to act by binge

watching a TV series, or you're going to act in a healthy and positive way. And I'm not saying that it's not okay to binge watch TV or drink wine every once in a while. You certainly know that I don't believe that. But my point is we want a list of healthy and supportive actions that you can go to in those times. So let me give you a few examples. Reading is a big one for me. If there's any books that really light you up or speak to you, grab those books and start reading them. A couple examples on my end, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Those two books, I can grab Love Warrior also by Glennon Doyle. I can books, I can grab Love Warrior, also by Glennon Doyle. I can grab them and just read a chapter or just read a highlighted part. I don't usually highlight

and dog-ear my books, but for some reason with like self-development or business-oriented books, I do. And it just helps me to go back to the parts that are most meaningful. Honestly, reading the Bible or whatever your faith would have you read, that works for a ton of people or a motivational book or quotes or even just a good novel. I love to read and it just sets my mind right. It's a much healthier choice, even if it's not, you know, self-development or motivation or business oriented. It's just a better choice than a lot of other things. It brings me home and it gets me back into a good place for action. I said this in an earlier podcast, you know, create a music

playlist, something that fires you up, something that makes you want to get up and do something, that makes you want to dance, that makes you sing at the top of your lungs. Music is really a healing thing for the soul. And so if you prepare a really great playlist ahead of time, go listen to that. Journaling, writing things that you're grateful for, processing your feelings, writing an email that you never send, writing a letter that you tear up after. Just getting your thoughts out on paper can be so therapeutic. Exercise or meditation. What a healthy choice to make. And I'll be honest, I don't usually make this choice when I'm having a tough time. I wish I were better at that. But for some people, this is a very easy

and logical choice. Go to the gym when you can, or go for a run. Or, you know, I've had people go to boxing classes or yoga classes, or even, you know, having an app on your phone that you can listen to that guides you through a meditation or walks you through a calming exercise. Anything like that can be super therapeutic and obviously physically gets the endorphins going and helps you to shake off whatever doubt you might be having about how strong you are. The phone a friend option. By now, if you've been listening to my podcast, you know that I believe that we should all know what we can count on our friends for, who are the best friends for us in certain moments. So rather than just picking up the phone and calling a friend, ask yourself before, what

do I need in this moment? Do I need to feel loved? Do I need to vent and be listened to and supported? Do I need somebody to help get me back into action? Do I need somebody to provide a different perspective? Do I need some tough love? What is it that I need right now? And then ask yourself, who in your world is the best person to give it to you?

And then call that person. And that might vary through the course of a tough time. You might need all of those things. So you might call in all of your friends and all of your people at different times, and that's okay. But asking yourself before you pick up the phone, what is it that I need right now? And then, and then trying to get what you need from the person who's best equipped to give it to you. Another few good things that could go on your recovery plan is, is listening to a podcast.

Hopefully this one gives you a ton of energy or a video on YouTube or a TED Talk or something that you know has the highest probability of supporting you, firing you up, or telling you what you need to hear in those moments. Listening to an encouraging, challenging, or inspiring message or story could make all the difference. A feel-good folder. I have this on my desktop and a physical folder, but anytime somebody sends me a note of encouragement or something where I've made a difference or said I did a great job at something, I save that thing in my feel-good folder. And when I'm having a rough day or when my head trash kicks up, if there's something I want to do and my brain starts saying, you can't do that, that's too big. Or it focuses on all the negative aspects of

myself that would make that thing hard. I open up my feel good folder and I start reminding myself in addition to my list of things I know to be true about me at this point in my life, those things put me back in the perspective of, yes, I can. Of course I can because I've done all of these things that make an impact and I know who I am and I know what I can count on from myself. And then finally, practicing gratitude and generosity. Anything that would go on your recovery plan that has you giving of yourself, giving of your time, your money, or your talents. These are great ways to course correct your feelings. They're great ways to put things in perspective. Sometimes for me, just helping somebody who is in a much different position than I am reminds me of all the things that I have to be grateful for.

It reminds me even of my privilege and all the things that I have that other people don't. And this is not to say that helping other people makes you feel big and them feel small. Not from that place at all. It's from a reconnection and a reminder of all that you have to be grateful for and all that you have to give to others. I believe we're wired for connection and I believe that we were put here to give of our gifts. And when you do that, when you choose to give of yourself to others, I think it

builds confidence. I think it builds a pride in ourselves. And I think it reminds us of who we are and what we have to give. And that often overshadows and even eliminates some of the negative thoughts and feelings that we're having. So my recovery plan has 12 items on it. I've said that before. We are sharing for free a guide to designing your recovery plan, which you will see on all of the social media outlets and can be found on my website, NicoleKhalil.com. So it's a step-by-step guide, reiterate some of the stuff I said here today. But let me just remind you, just like everything, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. So if coming up with 12 things or 15 things or 20 things or whatever

the right number is for you on your recovery plan seems daunting, start with two things. What are two things that you do that bring you joy, that give you energy, that remind you what's important? And have it be things that you already know give you energy. This is not the time to wish that things brought you energy. So I said this before, I know working out and going for a run, it does give me energy, but I never feel like doing it during my tough times. It's not my go-to response. And I wish that it were. And I fought that so hard. If you saw some of my earlier drafts of recovery plans, they often included a lot of working out stuff, but I've just accepted that that's not the right solution for me in those times. I go for runs and I work out for my health and because it brings me pride and strength and

all of that stuff, but not in those moments. That's not the right choice for me and my recovery plan. And I finally decided to honor that. So if there's something that I went through for you that doesn't resonate, that's fine. If there's something that you thought of that I didn't cover, that's fine too. As long as it brings you joy and brings you energy. Another example could be I've had clients create Pinterest motivation boards. That's awesome. I have clients who bake things and they go take those baked goods and donate them or take them to the fire station. There are so many wonderful things that people do

that give them energy that don't give me energy and vice versa. And that's okay. So as you think of these two things or five things or 12 things or whatever ends up being on your recovery plan, just make sure, check in with yourself that these things actually bring you joy. They bring you energy. They remind you what's important. So the best way to get started is block out a little bit of time. And I know time is a commodity we often don't have enough of. So get creative on this. Maybe this is something you can do while you go for a run. So, you know, have your phone with you.

And as items come into your head, you know, record them real quick. Or start your run with the, I'm going to come up with five things on my run today or do it. I've said this before, while you're in the bathroom, I don't know about you, but sometimes I hide in there for a little extra time if I need a little bit of a break. Whatever it is, however you do it, find the time for you to list out some things that will work for you. Make sure it's custom. We already talked about that. And then create it so that it can be accessible. Maybe you have a note on your phone. Maybe you print it out. Maybe you have it live on your desktop. Whatever works, make sure that you can grab it whenever you need it.

And then the next time your head trash starts kicking into high gear or the next time you are going through a rough patch or having a tough day, you grab that recovery plan. And in the illustrious words of Missy Elliott, you work it. So let me finish with this. My 20s were really hard for me, but I learned a lot. And some of the most impactful and helpful tools that I use today, things like my recovery plan, these are the things that continue to build my confidence and guide my choices. And they came from that very difficult time in my life. Frankly, I equate age with wisdom, which is why I've never been sad about getting older and I don't choose to hold very tightly to my youth. My 20s were tough. My 30s, I started really coming into myself and feeling confident in who I was. And my 40s have been the greatest joy. I am finally doing things from a place of what's true for me. What's my purpose? Who am I? And I can say

with full transparency that I really like myself. That doesn't mean I think I'm perfect. That doesn't mean that there aren't things that bother me or that I don't have head trash, but I fundamentally and completely love who I am. And so for me, getting older has really equated to getting better. I've never done Botox or plastic surgery. I think because deep down, I believe I'm getting better with age and I'm more comfortable in my own skin. No judgment if you do those things. And I certainly reserve the right to change my mind because I'm an adult and I'm the only decision maker that matters when it comes to what I do with my body. But at this point, I love the wrinkles. I love the aging process because in my mind, it is so clearly connected with wisdom and strength and confidence. So I don't know, I guess a little bit

of a tangent here, but my recovery plan has continued to support me and push me through difficult days and seasons in my life so I can reach the result, the goal, the joy, and the freedom on the other side. And here's what I know. I sometimes wish I could take this away for people and then I think about it for a minute and I know the gift that our hard times can be. And so here's my reminder. You will have tough days. You will have rough patches. Rejections are coming and there will be heartbreaks. In fact, the bigger and braver you choose to live your life, the more you'll face those times. But the greater the joys will be and the stronger your heart will become as you begin to face them.

So if we agree that those things are coming, then we need to have a plan. A plan that allows us to feel our feelings, but then to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and get back into action. We have the opportunity to get back into action faster because you matter. Because there are people counting on you. Most importantly and above all else, you are counting on you. And because you have gifts that the world needs. And this is woman's work.