This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 033 / Achieving YOUR Goals with Kristin Burke

Episode Date: October 14, 2020

What’s your big, crazy, audacious goal? What gets you up in the morning, and keeps you up at night? And here’s the million dollar question...how do you achieve it? In this episode, I welcome guest Kristin Burke - Goal Achievement Coach and Host of the Elite Achievement Podcast, to give us tips and strategies that she uses with her coaching clients to get them from goals to results! Don’t be afraid to be afraid. It’s a sign you’re up to something big and worthwhile. Go chase that goal with clarity, confidence (which you know I’m extra passionate about!), courage and consistency. Find your supporters, believers and even your challengers. And tell the doubters, the naysayers and the haters to get out of your way...because you have important work to do! This is Woman’s Work To learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast, visit us at NicoleKalil.com

Coming up on this episode of This Is Woman's Work. But it's these goal achievers that figure out how to act despite that fear. And they take that courageous action consistently. I bet you have a goal in your mind that excites you, fires you up, but also scares the shit out of you. One minute the goal seems achievable and the next you think you are absolutely insane for even dreaming that you could. Maybe this goal motivates and fuels you. Maybe it's an internal desire that just won't go away. But maybe it also overwhelms or possibly paralyzes you. You know what you want, but you don't know where to start. And even if you do, it still seems so far away, so big, and so hard. Well, my loves, congratulations and welcome to the party.

Because if you don't have a goal like this, I'm going to suggest you go find yourself one. Because nothing great has ever been accomplished without experiencing both fear and excitement. I am Nicole Kalil, and my big, crazy, audacious goal is to eliminate gender expectations so that we all, and I do mean all, women and men, all humans, can show up as who we were meant to be, as our authentic selves with our unique passions living into our intended purposes. I know that's a big goal, and it could even seem impossible, but nothing matters to me more. It's a massive mountain to climb and I'm doing it the way you'd climb any mountain, one step at a time. So I'm starting with what I know and where I feel I can be the most relevant and that's redefining for myself and for and with each other what it actually means to be doing woman's work. Hint, it's not the same picture as in the 1950s or any other generation for that

matter. What's your big, crazy, audacious goal? What gets you up in the morning and keeps you up at night? Don't compare your goal to mine or to anyone else's for that matter. No matter how big or how small it may seem to others, your goal is your goal. Now the next logical question is, how do you achieve it? Well, I have a treat for you. I've invited Kristen Burke, goal achievement coach, host of the Elite Achievement Podcast, and a great friend of mine to give us tips and strategies that she uses with her coaching clients to get them from dreams and goals to results. Thank you so much for joining us, Kristen. Hey, Nicole. Thanks so much for having me. I got to admit, I am fired up after that intro.

I am sitting here thinking, I need a crazier goal. I need a more audacious goal. Let's go. I love that. You know, I think I might have even shared this with you before, but somebody had told me once that having a goal or a mission that is so big that you can't even see how it's possible to achieve it in your own lifetime, that's when you know you're thinking big enough. And trust me, that scares the crap out of me, but that really resonated with me. And that's why I went that big.

I think it's super exciting. And I am so appreciative to be on your show here today to help your listeners achieve their goals and their visions and missions. I'm excited too. So let's jump in and I'm going to ask the big question up front. Share with us your four C's approach to goal execution. How do you get your clients and the people you work with and the organizations you work with from dreams and goals to results? So I've come up with the four characteristics of goal achievers by reflecting and studying hundreds of people who have set out to achieve goals.

So a little bit of my background, I've been formally coaching financial advisors since 2009. So I have a lot of experience working with small business owners and startups. And I would always notice, Nicole, how everyone would start their business or start this new career with a desire to really succeed and knock the cover off the ball. And then there would be some people who would persevere and thrive. There would be some people who would survive. And there would be other people who would pivot and change careers and start over in something else. And I always wondered, what is the difference? What is the difference between a goal achiever, that thriving group of individuals, and the individuals who

don't achieve their goals? And I've really distilled it down to these four characteristics. First, goal achievers have an insane amount of clarity. They know what they want and they know why they want it. So they have really become proficient at identifying their why and their vision and they set goals that align with what fires them up. From there, goal achievers are confident. And I know you love talking about confidence. And so I think that confidence is just so important. And I think I believe for a long time, Nicole, that there are

just some people who are born really confident and others who aren't confident. And I think I believed for a long time, Nicole, that there are just some people who are born really confident and others who aren't confident. And I've learned, and thanks a lot to your work, I've learned that confidence is something that we can grow and confidence is something that we can build. And so when I think about these four C's, I define confidence in our goal achievement journey as when who you think you are aligns with action so you can achieve your goal. And I think it's really thinking that can destroy our confidence. We get stuck overthinking. We get stuck striving for perfection. We think too far into the future

and that creates anxiety and fear. We think too much about the past and we ruminate and we self-blame. And so building this confidence is really figuring out how we think less and act more. And that leads us to courage. And, you know, confidence and courage, I think, are pretty closely related, but courage in our goal achievement journey is embracing discomfort in the direction of our goals. When we think about courage, I think so many of us look at people who have, in your words, climbed those mountains and achieved their visions and their mission, and we think, wow, they probably didn't have any fear. That's so wrong. That is so wrong. I think we all have fear. We all have self-doubt. We all wonder and we all question, are we good enough? But it's these goal achievers that figure out how to act despite that fear.

And they take that courageous action consistently. And that's really that fourth characteristic is that consistent action in the direction of your goal. So you're repeating the habits and the beliefs that are gonna lead to goal achievement and that momentum creates progress. And here's where I work with a lot of my clients and we have to explore perfection versus progress and we really build momentum

in the direction of their goals. So many good things in there. And I love how you take confidence and align it with goal achievement. It resonates with me so much, both from my experience, as well as everything I've read and researched and observed and learned, everything I could get my hands on as it relates to confidence. So we're totally aligned there. A couple of questions popped up for me. And this may be a me thing, but I don't think so. I'm guessing at least some of our listeners might struggle with this. When you say clarity about your why or vision, I can say I've struggled a lot with vision throughout the course of my life. When people ask me where I want to be 10

years from now, even today, while it's clearer today than it was in my 20s, I still struggle a little bit with having this picture, this vision of, so how could somebody like me or maybe somebody listening get clarity around their why or vision if it's not a natural thing or it's not, you know, like I know how I want to feel. I know some things that I want to accomplish, but I don't have that perfect picture. Is my question making any sense? Yes. And Nicole, when I start working with new clients, we talk about vision and I hear what you are saying all of the time. And I think that we've almost decided that these visions have to be these huge, monumental, perfect documents. And here's my advice for individuals who are struggling with that big picture vision. First, I would recommend you start with a practice of gratitude. And if you write down the things you're grateful for,

three to five things every day, you do it consistently, you know, 30 days, 60 days, and then you go back through that gratitude journal and you write down the things that you are grateful for, it tells you a lot about how you want to build your life because you can look for these themes and you can look for these moments of joy and that's going to help you start to align your vision with what's right for you. I also recommend that we ditch perfectionism. I remember when I first started writing my 10-year vision, it was actually an assignment for a women's leadership group that I was a part of back at my former company. And I was so stressed out about the assignment. I was like, I don't know, how am I supposed to know where I am in 10 years and what life looks like and what life feels like and what I'm going to be doing?

And I think I, in those first drafts, tried to fit myself in a box. I tried to create this perfect vision. And once I let go of some of that perfection and I started thinking more big picture versus specific title or specific company, I wrote more from the heart around what life looks like, what life feels like, the type of work I'm doing, the type of impact I'm making. That helped me let go of some of that perfection. And then the last piece of advice that I will share is I have learned to think of a vision as a draft. That very first vision that I spoke about that I wrote for that leadership group was to be a managing partner. And I'm no longer on that journey, but it was that vision that helped me make decisions to grow in that direction. I took more risk. I raised my hand

more frequently. I went to different growth and development meetings and opportunities. And that was all because at the time I was working in direction of that vision. But now I have a new vision. And so even though I'm still in that 10-year timeframe from that initial vision, my draft has changed. And I've learned to believe that our visions really are a draft. They're a roadmap. And as we grow, those visions are going to evolve. It's going to ebb and flow right along with us. So right now, I tend to review my long-term vision during my quarterly goal review sessions or my quarterly business planning sessions. And that's a great time for me to check in and ask myself, does this still resonate with me? Am I still going in the direction that I want to go? And giving myself that permission to view it as a draft and rewrite it if I need to has been really free. Kristen, where were you in my 20s?

Girl, I was figuring it out myself. I don't know where I was. Well, you were probably like in elementary school and I was in my twenties, but still like, where was your voice? Where was it? Cause I probably turned myself inside out and thought there was something wrong with me so many times. And I mean, when does gratitude not work, right? So what a great place to start if you're unclear, starting with gratitude. I mean, such great advice there. And I often think of my vision as sort of flexibility within a framework or free, you know, so, but I like the draft frame of it because that's, we don't have the information today that we will in one year or eight years or 10 years.

And I mean, if a vision is so rigid, we might miss our moments. We might miss our opportunities. We might miss that door that just opened that didn't look the way we thought it was going to look. And so I really, really, really resonate with everything you said. And it brings up my next question, which is when is it okay to change a goal or when is it a good idea to give up on a goal? And I love how you just use the word rigid. And I am on a journey myself right now, Nicole, to be a little less rigid. I'm very type A. I'm an achiever, right?

I'm a goal achievement coach. And so I am on this journey myself to learn the blend of that rigidness and when it can serve you and how it can help you and when you need to flow and be a bit more flexible. And I think that really leads to your question. And when we think about goals, I know a lot of us are taught that, well, once you set that goal, you like lock in and you go after it. And sometimes we set a goal because we think it's what we want. And as we start going through the course of the year and we grow and we learn, perhaps that goal starts to evolve.

So one of the ways you can look at your goals and ask yourself, is this still the right goal is connecting back to that vision. So I think going back to your question around the vision and clarity is so important because it's really that vision that gives us so much clarity. If you've got an idea, and again, it doesn't have to be perfect, but if you have an idea of that bigger picture version of your life and your career and your work,

it's going to help you set more meaningful current day goals. So if you're struggling right now and you're a little off track or you're kind of wondering, is this the right goal? I would encourage you to go back to that vision and ask yourself, is this goal still in alignment with my vision, right? Is this vision still in alignment with what I want? And if the answer to that is yes, don't give up on the goal. Let's not change the goal. Let's adjust the time frame if needed. Let's adjust the strategies if needed. But if that goal is still a key part of you executing on that vision, I think it's important to stay committed. If you look at that goal and you look at that vision and you were like, this no longer fires me up. This is no longer the direction that I'm going. Then by all means, it's absolutely time to revisit and rewrite that goal. I think that though, this is such an important part of our journeys to really be

honest with ourselves. And I think the bigger question becomes, why am I thinking this goal is no longer exciting or important? And if you can really be honest with yourself, right, is it, are you not doing the things you need to do to get there? And then you feel off track. So it feels easier to give up on the goal. Well, it might feel easier now. It'll feel better now, but in the long run, it won't feel better because you'll still have that goal on your heart. You'll still be passionate about achieving that goal. So I think it's just super important to compare your goal to your vision. And then also, Nicole, some of the things that I think really help is having very strategic reflecting and planning sessions. And so every month I have a goal reflecting and planning

session where I take a look at all the goals that I set for myself at the beginning of the year. And I, I ask myself, am I on track? Am I off track? Why, why not? Does this still resonate? And, you know, with, with 2020, there've been some of those goals that I've had to pivot, just given what's going on right now. And,'s okay. I'm pivoting in real time versus waiting until the end of the year. And then I also have a quarterly reflect and plan session that I mentioned earlier. And that really is a great time for me to reflect and think, gosh, am I working to the right goal? And I think you've been very helpful in helping me think, am I working to something that's meaningful? am I working to something that's meaningful?

Am I working towards something that's meaningful? Or am I working towards an arbitrary goal that really I thought has no meaning, but at the end of the day has no meaning? Yeah, I will vouch for the fact that Kristen practices what she preaches and does these. And it's been a good reminder to me. I, you know, had a period of my life where I was really good at it. And then, you know, I kind of used the excuse of things got busy. And so, you know, our connection calls, Kristen has sort of reminded me to go back to what's worked for me in the past and all that. And then there was something that you

said that triggered this thought. And I want your perspective. I have a feeling we have observed and experienced this ourselves. Another good reason to give up on a goal or change your goal is when you discover that you might be using someone else's goal, not your own, or a goal that somebody else gave you, or the goal you think is the right goal, but it may not have a personal connection to you. Do you experience or observe that in your work? I think I've experienced and observed that even in my own journey and absolutely in my own work, right? I think, you know, for me, for so long, for so long, I was so focused on achieving a certain position. And I thought in my mind that getting to that position was going to help me live out my mission of helping others

maximize their potential and achieve their definitions of success. And like you, Nicole, I am so passionate about supporting women and collaborating with women so they can accelerate the growth of their businesses and advance their careers. And I thought, man, if I achieve this one position, I'm going to be able to execute on all of that. And I kind of like dug my heels in and became pretty stubborn and like fought and fought to try to get there. And what it felt like was it really felt like me walking up a giant mountain in a pair of stilettos, pushing a boulder that kept rolling back down and rolling back down. And once I had the opportunity to pause, right, I didn't get the next step that I thought I was going to get. And that really was kind of like a wake up call from the universe to say, hey, Kristen, take a moment and quit like

fighting in the direction of this one goal and take a pause and reflect. And I went back to my gratitude practice. I went back to my yoga practice. I allowed myself to kind of get quiet. And then that's where I really, really was able to listen to my heart and start taking the action to do the work that I do today. So I think if your listeners right now are kind of wondering, am I going after a goal that someone else has given me or something that I think I should do, but it's not really on

my heart, taking that time to pause and think and journal can be really, really helpful. And then I would also, I would just encourage your listeners to start to become aware of that flow or that intuition. And if it feels incredibly difficult and challenging and more so than, than your typical, right? I think we can agree, Nicole, achieving all goals and achieving, you know, career advancement can be difficult, but it feels, if it feels like uber difficult and challenging, maybe that's a good indication to pivot. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, dead on. Every goal has its challenges and every goal can

feel hard at times and your roadblocks and your naysayers and all that fun stuff. I would say it feels different when you're working on a goal that's meaningful to you. And I don't know, I mean, it sounds a little vibey, but the universe just seems to align. And that doesn't mean that things get easy, but when a door shuts, another one seems to open. If you're just paying attention, that's just been my life experience. Oh, I agree with you tremendously. It's almost like you know when you're working in that correct direction because you just get these ideas and these inspiration and you get these little, I don't know if you feel this in your work right now, Nicole, but there'll be these times where you just feel this motivation and you act and you're

like, whoa, did I just do that? Like a year ago, I would have never, a year ago, I would have never been on a podcast like this. Hello. And here we are. Right. Cause it's like, I'm working in the direction of my vision. So I think if you're, if your listeners are wondering, gosh, how do I figure out if I'm going after the right goal? You can simply ask yourself, why am I going after this goal? Why is it important? What am I hoping to get out of it? What does achieving this goal do for me, for my career, for my life? And then what happens if I don't achieve this goal? And sometimes exploring what it would look like if you do pivot can be really powerful. Yeah. I would add to what is this goal do for others, whether internally or externally motivated. And by the way, I think

it's great that whatever it is we work on has a benefit to us. And I believe people should get highly compensated, all the things, right? And create a great lifestyle. But I find too, especially when I'm feeling challenged, what sometimes gets me back on track faster is the connection to what my work, what my purpose, what my big goal does for others. And that gets me fired up. I agree with you so much. That servant mentality is so powerful. And if we keep reminding ourselves it's about making an impact and collaborating with others and serving others, it really can help us get out of our own way. Yeah, totally. Especially for women, I think. Okay, so you can't really think about goal execution and achievement without bumping

into somebody who talks about accountability, right? Like that's just something that's bound to come up if you're thinking about achieving a goal. Right. And I know you and I have had some great conversations about accountability. Talk to us about where and how accountability fits in, in your, in a goal achievement journey and where you've seen healthy or maybe unhealthy versions of it. Oh my gosh. I love accountability, right? Isn't it kind of crazy to say that? I love accountability. And you know, look, it's not always uber comfortable because if I'm not doing the things that I

need to do, accountability might not feel great. But I think accountability is a huge, huge part of goal achievement. I mean, in fact, I have a weekly peer accountability call with a dear friend of mine. And she is also a business owner. And every week we jump on the phone and we update what's happening in our businesses. But at the end of the call, we make commitments to grow our business. And there have been so many times, Nicole, where I have not wanted to do those things, but I don't want to get on that call and let my accountability partner know I didn't do them. So I think that's one huge aspect to accountability. And I know it's been said before.

These are not my words, but accountability without a relationship is harassment. And so as you are on these goal achievement journeys, and there are going to be times we all need accountability, we need accountability to do the scary things. We need accountability to execute on the things that require a lot of courage, a lot of confidence. So I would highly recommend to your listeners that they find an accountability partner where there is a great relationship or they build a great relationship before having a lot of that accountability. Another thing that has really been interesting in my work of coaching women lately is when I will ask my clients, you know, hey, Nicole, share with me your progress on your podcast, for example. And instead of like saying, oh, hey, yeah, you know, I recorded two episodes or, you know, I got so many followers. They will automatically go to the space of qualifying. Oh, it didn't go well. I did a terrible job. I didn't follow through. And I'm just starting to think that there's such a huge opportunity for us to reframe our perception of accountability and to move away from the space of good or bad and move into the space of ownership. And I think that's going to take just a lot of work in undoing some of the negative feelings and some of the shame that can come with accountability.

I know that sometimes organizations think they're holding people accountable and they think they have good accountability systems, but in reality, the way that they're holding people accountable, the relationships, what they're holding people accountable to can just create a lot of shame, a lot of disappointment, a lot of self-doubt. And I don't think that that's a positive way to motivate people. So I think accountability works best when there's a great trusting relationship. I think it's important to reframe our definition moving away from good or bad to ownership. And then if you are in a position and you get the blessing of holding people accountable,

are you leaving people feeling uplifted, inspired and prepared to take action? Or are you leaving them feeling defeated and disappointed? And then the last thing is I was thinking through that that came to mind. I think that so often we are so quick to tell people what to do without backing into the how to do it. And so if we really want to hold people accountable, it's about that clarity again, figuring out what's important to them, what they want, why they want it, and then working with them to figure out where are the places they're going to need that accountability, where are the scarier tasks or actions, where are the risks that they're going to need to take, and then help them break down how to do it and then ask them about their progress from there in a supportive way.

Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. Like check in all the boxes, right? And can I add two things that popped into my head? I think another thing that needs to exist when holding somebody accountable is desire. There has to be a desire to be held accountable or it doesn't work. So I'll give an example in my personal life. Jay made the mistake a while back of being like, you should start exercising doing this, or you should do this 75-day program, something along those lines. The only response he got from me was the death stare because I was not interested in that. I hadn't made up my mind that that was a goal or a priority for me. And, and he did it in a loving way. He wasn't being a jerk or anything like that, but it was just a reminder to me that the desire needs to exist within ourselves

first before somebody can hold us accountable to something. Kind of like that harassment thing you were talking about, the relationship, but also the desire. Jay and I have like the best relationship I have with any human on the planet. And my desire wasn't there, which is why it didn't work. So I always think it works best if somebody asks you to, and I'm sure when people hire you as a coach that they're basically asking you to help hold them accountable. But sometimes I think people assume or insert themselves without checking in on the desire. So that's one thought. Let me just check in before I share my last thought. Yeah. I, uh, I agree with you so much, uh, that we have to want it, right?

We have to be willing to, in your case, like do the workouts or follow the program. And if we're not quite there yet, then that accountability, it's just, it's not going to work. We're going to feel like just frustrated. But if we come to an agreement that there are certain areas that someone wants to be held accountable to and are certain goals, then that accountability can be so powerful because you know you have someone that's going to ask you about it, that's going to follow up, that's going to support you, and that can really lead to your growth. But I agree, Nicole, if that desire is

not there, I think it does more harm than good. My other thought was around reframing accountability. And I think sometimes, maybe more so for women, we have a tendency to think of challenging people or holding them accountable to something as being tough or mean, or I don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. And I have spent a lot of time on this over the last 20 plus years. Accountability, assuming somebody asks it of me and challenging people, assuming we have a relationship is the best way I can show somebody I care. It is one of the highest forms of love I feel like I can give another person because basically what I'm doing is I'm willing to make myself uncomfortable. I'm willing to potentially risk somebody's feelings or relationship because I care so much about the

other person achieving what they say is the most important thing to them. And so I think sometimes we have a negative reaction to the word accountability or challenge. And ladies, I think we have such an opportunity to reframe that. Isn't that the highest form of love or one of the highest to care so much about another person and their deepest desires that you're willing to put yourself out there, get super uncomfortable and have a conversation that may hurt somebody's feelings or hold a mirror up and see something you don't like momentarily. But in my experience, while somebody might get pissed off in the moment, the other side, we always come out closer and better and we've strengthened the relationship.

Does that resonate with you? I think if you stop asking, right, it's a sign that you no longer care about, right, that other person or those other person's goals. And so it's such a powerful reminder, Nicole, that accountability can be so positive and to your point, bring you closer together with the people that you are in that coaching or consulting or relationship with. And I kept thinking as you were talking about that word challenge. And I think sometimes too, when we think about accountability, our natural reaction is to challenge.

And I found that we don't even need to have a ton of challenge because, and you taught me this, Nicole, you taught me that women in particular have often already beat themselves up. So they're walking into an accountability meeting or they're walking into a meeting with a leader and they already know what they didn't get done. And so I don't even know if we need to bring so much challenge to the conversation. I think it's more about asking for updates and asking for progress and what's working and what's not working and helping people stay committed and excited when they're feeling a lot of that doubt. Yeah, you're right. Totally. I often say in working with women, more often than

not, I don't have to challenge. My bigger opportunity is to help women pick themselves up, dust themselves off and get back into action because you're right, the beat up, we do good enough on our own, right? And I'm finding too, as I'm coaching with men, that it's happening for men too. And it's just not being talked about as much because I think there's this perception that men need to be strong and men might not have emotions. And I'm finding that they're doing some of the same too. And so, yes, there are some people that respond really, really well to challenge. And that's one of the things that makes accountability so unique is it really can be so individual.

I don't think that there's a one-size-fits fits all form of accountability. It's about that relationship and learning and asking questions and figuring out how you as a leader or a coach can best support the person you are working with. Yep. Yeah. Ladies, you all need a Kristen in your life. Um, to learn more about Kristen and her work, uh, go to her website, KristenBurke.com, K-R-I-S-T-I-N-B-U-R-K-E.com. Whether it's for goal achievement coaching or to have her speak in your organization, that website is the best place to go.

You can also listen to her on a more regular basis on her podcast, Elite Achievement, which you can find on all the podcast places. Or if you want to connect socially on Instagram, it's at meet Kristen Burke. So M-E-E-T, Kristen Burke. Kristen, thank you so much. This was awesome. Nicole, I had an absolute blast. Thank you so much for having me. My pleasure. All right, friends, don't be afraid to be afraid. It's a sign you're up to something big and worthwhile. Go chase that goal with clarity, confidence, which, you know, I'm extra passionate about. So let me remind you that this is not fake it till you make it. It's choose it till you feel it confidence, courage, and consistency. Find your supporters,

believers, and even your challengers. And tell the doubters, the naysayers, and the haters to get out of your way because you have important shit to do. And this is woman's work.