This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 034 / Time (Choice) Management

Episode Date: October 28, 2020

Time is the commodity we just seem to never have enough of, and once time has been spent, you can’t get it back. So how do we manage our time better? In this episode I share 5 of the biggest game changes (for me) as it relates to time, in hopes they’re game changers for you too. We all have the same 60 minutes, the same 24 hours a day, the same 7 days per week. What will you choose to do with your time? You are the decider. Time doesn’t own you, because it doesn’t own your choices. It’s time to develop the skill of CHOICE management. This is Woman’s Work To learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast, visit us at NicoleKalil.com

Before we jump into today's episode, I have a super important question for you. And that question is, what would you do if you had a little more confidence? What decisions would you make? What risks would you take? And what dreams would you chase? Confidence is what will bridge the gap between thinking about what you want and actually getting and doing the things that you desire. And what better time to build your confidence than now? This is Confidence is a course about you building your confidence, not just confidence in general.

It's designed to be implemented in your life with important and lasting results. Whether you've been lacking in the area of confidence or you already feel confident but are facing a big decision or life change and could use an extra boost, I can't think of any downside in investing in your own confidence so that you not only feel and think differently, but also act differently. To learn more about the This Is Confidence digital course, you can text confidence to 55444 or visit my website at nicoleclill.com and click on the online course tab for more information and frequently asked questions. And if you click that little join our waitlist button on the website, we'll send you a discount code for $100 off the

regular price of $497 when we go live on November 2nd. Go get your name on that wait list and tell your friends. The more, the merrier. It's time to get connected to who you are, to also own who you're not, and to choose to embrace all of you. Because this is confidence. I am Nicole Kalil, host of the This Is Woman's Work podcast. And I'd like to thank you and congratulate you on investing 30-ish minutes of your time to listen to ideas on how to better manage your time. Because let's be real, time is the commodity we just seem to never have enough of. And once time has been spent, you can't get it back. So I know we desire to do the best and most productive and most impactful

things we can with our time, but the to-do list is long. We're being pulled in so many different directions. We have big and sometimes conflicting priorities. We're attempting to multitask our asses off. It feels like we need to work harder and prove ourselves more to get the same opportunities, pay, and respect as our male counterparts. We're taking on the lion's share of the responsibilities at home and with our kids. And don't even get me started on the increased amount of time we're putting into our physical appearance or into dating or, I don't know, growing humans inside of our bodies. No wonder we're fucking exhausted mentally, emotionally,

and physically. And can I start by saying I don't totally have this figured out either. So I'm not sharing tips on time management from a place of everything is prioritized perfectly and my schedule always gets followed or I find myself sitting around with extra time to, I don't even know. I don't even know what one does with extra time to, I don't even know. I don't even know what one does with extra time. Lots of massages, pedicures, wine tasting, girls trips with friends and volunteering to save the seals perhaps. I'm not sure because I'm a recovering perfectionist and a recovering doer, which means like if you want it done right, do it yourself. Or it's easier

if I just do it. Or if I'm not doing something, then I'm wasting time. I always wrapped up my worthiness and my time in doing. And that had to change. So because I'm a recovering perfectionist and a recovering doer, it means I've learned a lot of this the hard way. And out of necessity, after hitting a wall or burning out or feeling mass amounts of guilt for letting some important aspect of my life go by the wayside, and usually in the areas of my own health or taking care of myself, or even at the expense of some relationships. I've had to ask for forgiveness from myself and others more than a few times. So from that maybe not so inspiring place,

I would like to share five of the biggest game changers for me as it relates to time in hopes that one or more of these resonates and helps you. Okay, so for my first big learning around time management, it's really understanding that time management is a misnomer. It is not time that we're managing. Time, as my coach Lisa Kalman says, along with just about everything else, is neutral. I hear her voice in my head a lot, by the way, everything being neutral. Time is neutral. We all have the same amount of it. We all have 60 minutes in an hour. We all have 24 hours in a day. We all have seven days in a week. Nobody that I know of has figured out how to create extra minutes in an hour or extra hours in a day. Like what would you do with a 25th hour? I can think of lots of things,

but that's not what's happening. That is not what we're managing. It isn't time that we're managing. Okay, so what are we actually managing? Why does it seem like some people accomplish so much more or some people have so much more capacity? It's really understanding that the thing that we're managing is our choices. It's not time management. It's choice management. We are all managing the choices that we make with the time that we have. Now, that all sounds great, but I'm sure there

are some things buzzing through your head where you think, God, I didn't really have a choice or I had to react or respond quickly or people are telling me what to do and when. And if you really take the time to do the exercise, you will understand that you always have a choice. We always have choices with the time that we have, some of us have just gotten in the habit of becoming a victim to our time or to what other people think we should be doing with it or how we should be spending it or that feeling of being pulled in a lot of different directions. What I love about the shift towards choice management and away from time management is it gives us each individually ownership versus being a victim to or being in control of someone or something else.

So my first big tip is to make that shift in your brain and begin to think about choice management. Now, like everything, the more you practice, the easier it is. But start small. Think of something right now that you, if given the choice, would spend more time doing or spend less time doing. And then go through the exercise of making that choice. Which brings me to tip number two, which is setting and communicating boundaries. All right, ladies, I know we're not naturally the best at this. I have talked to enough women to know we seem to have a hard time saying no. Maybe it feels impolite or rude, or maybe we feel like we're supposed to have limitless capacity and

just say yes to everything. Maybe we're worried about what other people will think of us or that they'll think less of us if we say no to something. But bottom line, tip number two, no matter how hard it may seem, is setting and communicating boundaries. I actually think the setting part of this is a little bit easier. In our minds, on our own, we probably have a clear idea of what we like or don't like or what we want to say yes to and what we don't want to say yes to. It's the communication of our boundaries that I think can get a little bit more challenging, or at least from my experience and in conversations with so many other women. So a few helpful tips here.

Number one, get clear on your priorities. It's much easier to say yes and to say no if you're clear on your priorities. Then that thing that somebody's asking you to, that thing that you're thinking about doing, or that thing that you're thinking about taking on, or that person you're thinking about answering, all of that becomes a little bit more obvious if you relate it back to your priorities. So there are lots of ways to do this. Maybe write down all of your priorities and then force yourself to cross things out until you get to your top five or to your top three. Now, I know it can get really like anxiety inducing as you get that list smaller and smaller. But if push comes to shove, when the rubber meets the

road or whatever expression you want to use, what are your priorities and is where you're spending your time is what you're saying yes to in alignment with your priorities. So for me, and in no particular order, which may shock some people, my priorities, my four biggest priorities are my partnership with Jay, being an engaged and loving mom to JJ, my own health and wellbeing and self-care and my business. And none of those are more or less important to me in my mind. Now, to be clear, if JJ was sick or a bus was headed in her direction, of course I would drop all the other priorities to focus on her.

I'm talking normal day-to-day life. Those four things in my life get to be represented in where I spend my time, in my calendar, in my priorities. And not any one of those trumps the other because they all make up who I am and what's important to me as a person. What are your big priorities, your top three, your top five? And does your time reflect that? Another thought here is reframing what communicating your boundaries does. I think a lot of times we think the worst. And I will tell you, research and evidence shows that communicating and sticking to boundaries

shows a respect of yourself and others. It's a demonstration of respect for you and to others. And it actually improves relationship as opposed to weakens or gets in the way of it. So if setting and communicating boundaries demonstrates respect, well then how do you do it? I think a few examples. Number one, whenever humanly possible, how can you communicate your boundaries as a win-win? How can you communicate it not just for you, which by the way is okay, but beginning to think about it as a bigger opportunity, setting boundaries as a win for you and for the people you're setting the boundaries with or on behalf of. So I'll give an example. I hear this a lot. Women often say, I'm constantly interrupted throughout my day at work.

People are constantly emailing or knocking on my door if you're in person and saying, hey, do you have a minute? Or I have a quick question. And so this may not resonate perfectly with you, but I'll give an example of what I've done to communicate boundaries in that way. First, I owned and communicated my responsibility in the creation of it being that way. So it might go something like this. Listen, I know that I have set it up so that I am the go-to person for all of the questions. And I'll be honest, I kind of like it. It makes me feel valued and important.

It makes me feel like I'm making a difference when somebody comes to me with a problem and I can solve it or comes to me with a question and I can give you the answer quickly. Having said that, I've begun to realize that this is costing me and everybody around me a great deal. Number one, the constant interruptions are making me feel overwhelmed, chaotic, unfocused. And I know when I feel like that, I am my worst self.

I get snippy. I get annoyed. I might give you the death stare. And I don't want to do that. That doesn't feel good for me. And so I've come to realize that the constant interruptions are wearing on me and it's creating a not great working environment for you. And I don't want it to be that way. Another thing I've realized is that me being the go-to is limiting other people's opportunities, other people's growth. I want you as somebody on my team to know how to get the answers that you need. I want you to begin to trust your instincts and your ability to come up with solutions. And by me being the go-to person, I'm limiting that opportunity for growth, for opportunities, for leadership, for you. And that's not okay. So based on that, I would like to test out going forward a few things. Number one,

if you have a question, rather than coming to me, ask yourself, do you know the answer? Is there somebody else on the team that might know the answer? Is there someplace else you can get the answer? So run everything through that filter first. And if the answer is yes to any of those, then go find out somewhere else. If the answer is, I think I know the answer, but I just want confirmation or I don't want to screw something up, then send me an email and say, here's my question and here are my potential solutions. Potential solution A and potential solution B. And then I can just respond, you're totally on the right track, go with A or whatever the case may be. And again, it will help you to trust your instincts because you'll begin to realize that you

actually have the answers. And then of course, if it's truly something only I can answer, then will you shoot me an email or get a time on my calendar? And I'd like to ask that you avoid just swinging by and knocking on my door only because you're not going to get my best me in those moments. Okay. So that was kind of a long-winded example, but I've talked through this with so many women. I know we have a tendency to set ourselves up as the go-to person for everything. And this is an example of how I might communicate that boundary as a win-win. It's not just for my benefit. It's not just because I'm annoyed or because people are bothering me. There are a lot of reasons why this boundary is important to me and to others. Now, having said that, it's important for me to say that no

is a complete answer. You don't need to go through all of this win-win every time. You don't need to have a logical and clear explanation for everything that you do and every choice that you make. No is a perfectly fine answer, especially if you think about explanations can also be hard work. They can also take time and sometimes they can be exhausting. So you don't have to have a perfect explanation or communicate every single boundary that you set. As an example, I have a boundary of not responding to work communication in the evenings when I'm engaged with my family. Every person I work with, I set that expectation. You know, in the evenings, I'm with my family.

If you text, I'll respond the next day. Period. End of sentence. And so if somebody text messages me in the evening, I don't respond. That's my no. Or if somebody asks me to volunteer for something and I just don't have the capacity right now, or it's not in alignment with my priorities, or whatever the reason, I can just say, no, thank you so much for thinking of me. Or no, thank you, not at this time. Whatever the case may be, no is a complete answer. We don't need a full on explanation. And by the way, you may

have noticed this. This is hard for me. Just a flat no is hard for me, but I'm working on it. Another thought here is boundaries can be flexible and reassessed. So something that may be a boundary for you today may not be in six months or six years. Something that wasn't a boundary for you before, like pre-coronavirus as an example, may be one for you now, and that's okay. Boundaries can be flexible and reassessed. You are the determiner and the communicator of your own boundaries. Last couple of tips is if you have a tendency to say yes anytime anybody asks you to do anything,

if you're the yes person, right, constantly raising your hands, taking on the new things, and some of that might be that you're actually excited about doing all those things. But if you're a serial over-committer, I would ask that you create space for yourself to respond. Things like, this is a really exciting idea, or I really love this project. Give me 24 hours to think about it, and I'll get back to you. Or give me 48 hours to see if I have the capacity right now. Give yourself, create space to respond and then think about it in the context of your priorities and your capacity and all that fun stuff. Just creating that time to respond can be really, really helpful, especially for those of us who are go-to yes

people. And then my last thought here is if setting and communicating boundaries is hard for you, start small. Start with on Wednesday evenings, I shut down work at five o'clock and I set my phone aside and I'm focused on my family and maybe set an out of office response. I see a lot of women do this, by the way, is out of office response, even when they're in the office. And it might look something like this, in an effort to be as engaged with my clients or in an effort to be as focused with my team or in an effort to be as diligent with my work as possible, I only check emails once a day or twice a day or whatever it might be. If this is urgent, please contact whomever on your team is maybe a better person. Otherwise, I'll respond within 24 hours.

That's an example of both setting and communicating a boundary. And it is a probably good way to start small. Or if you know of something that you're going to be asked to do coming up, practice saying no or setting that boundary ahead of time. But start small. Like most things, it takes practice. Okay. Game changer number three as it relates to choice management is understanding the three F words of accomplishment. Okay. So F word in this is EFF. I'm not cursing though. I do do that a lot. So it might come out, but the three EFF, F words of accomplishment are effort, effectiveness, and efficiency. And let's be real, in our society, there is a great deal of value placed on effort. We are a culture of doingness. hard work and grit and grind and get up before five and work until after seven and work on the weekends and the whole deal. We're very effort oriented. And I'm not saying that that's bad.

And I'm not saying that hard work doesn't have a place in achievement or in accomplishing your goals. As a recovering doer who's been taught the value of hard work from a very young age by two immigrant parents, this has been a really, really hard one for me to unpackage. Is your go-to always to work hard? Is it always to invest time and more time? And is your answer to every problem to do more, see more, reach out to more, whatever the case may be? If that's the case, then I would challenge you to understand that the other two F words are equally as important to accomplishment. And I think a lot of our time and where we're spending our time is wrapped up in accomplishment, which is why I bring this up. So what about effectiveness? Where does that play a part? What if somebody got cliff notes and were able to dive into the most important aspects of the research and then send me the top best articles or send me your

findings and I'll take it the next level. What if person B spent five hours on it, but they had a team member who spent another 10 or 15 hours. Efficiency for them, but they may come out better prepared and they may have gained more knowledge in those five hours than the other person did in 10. So again, hard work, super important. Effort is certainly a component of accomplishment. But as we think about the time that we're spending, are we focused more on doing more? Is the answer always more? Is the answer always whoever invests the most amount of time wins? Because if that's the case, then time management or choice management is going to become a really, really big challenge because you're always going to feel guilty or weird or uncomfortable if you're not investing the

most amount of energy and time. Effectiveness and efficiency are equally as important. Okay. Okay, tip number four on game-changing ideas around choice management or used to be time management. Tip number four is delegate and leverage everything and everyone you can. A woman named Christy Cherise, who I admire a great deal, introduced this concept to a bunch of financial advisors. And I'm going to take a piece of it.

And it's really determining what you should be doing with your time based on what is low value and high value and what is low enjoyment and high enjoyment. And so if something is low value and low enjoyment, that's really easy to delegate. So cleaning my house as an example is low value in that it doesn't need to be me that does it. I'm not the game changer on cleaning my house. Frankly, I wouldn't do it as well as some other people. And it's certainly low enjoyment. So it's an easy thing for me to delegate. What are the low value, low enjoyment things that you're doing that you could delegate

by outsourcing or even insourcing? So outsourcing is when you hire somebody or get somebody outside of your team or your family or your unit to do it. Insourcing is when you get somebody on the inside to help you do it. So maybe it's having a kid help out with dishes or having your spouse or partner take on a task in the home that they hadn't before? How can you delegate and leverage the low value, low enjoyment work? And then here's maybe a little bit more challenging. How do you delegate the low value, high enjoyment work? The stuff you love to do,

but it's not super high value. So I think in my professional life, of the example of running reports and collecting data, I'm a data junkie. I love data and statistics and information to support my choices and my work and all of that. And I would spend probably about 20 minutes every single morning running reports to get the data that I valued. Well, long story short, I realized that I was doing that because I loved to do it, not because it was high value. And after some encouragement from my coach and my leader at the time, I made the decision to delegate the running of the reports, the finding of the data to somebody else. And so what was taking me 20 minutes, now somebody else could do in 18. And then I spent two minutes reviewing the data. So delegate and leverage

everything that you can and everyone that you can by either outsourcing or insourcing. And really with those priorities in mind, asking yourself, what is the low value and low enjoyment work that you can pass off? And even what is the low value, high enjoyment work? What's the stuff you like to do, but frankly, you shouldn't be doing? And how can you learn to let that go? And then tip number five, probably the most important, and for me, one of the hardest, ask for help. Hashtag ask for help. Ask for help anytime you can. Get good at asking for help. Be an asker for help. I don't know how to say it any other way. We get to get better at asking for help. I don't know where this comes from, ladies, but this avoidance of asking for help or admitting that we need help is a little bit crazy, though I totally

get it. Whether it's because we feel like we're expected to have it all together all the time, or we're supposed to have all the answers, or we're aiming for perfectionism. I'm not sure, but we get to get better at asking for help. And if you want to practice, start with the people who love and care about you the most. Ask your partners for help. Ask your team members for help. Ask your family for help. Ask your children for help. Demonstrating the skill of asking for help will be a win-win for everyone. If you're a recovering perfectionist and a recovering doer, just like me, I know you're tired. I know many of us are realizing during this pandemic that there's still a great gender imbalance as it relates to care, meaning the unpaid work that we do at home and with our families. And it can be really frustrating.

And we still have the opportunity to manage our choices, to set and communicate boundaries, to focus not only on effort or invested time, but also on being effective and efficient with that time for maximum results. And there is nothing wrong with delegating or asking for help. It's a sign of strength, not weakness. We all have the same 60 minutes, the same 24 hours, the same seven days. What will you choose to do with your minutes? What do you choose to do with this one messy, imperfect, but precious life? You are the decider. Time doesn't own you because it doesn't own your choices. It's time to develop the skill of choice management because this, my friends, most certainly is woman's work.