This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 037 / Practicing Gratitude

Episode Date: November 24, 2020

Being grateful and practicing gratitude wasn’t something that came naturally to me in my younger years. I consider myself a realist (which is just a nicer word for pessimist) so I had to really work on changing my perspective in this area. In this episode I talk about what I’m grateful for, and share how I choose gratitude, even when things aren’t going my way. Because being grateful when everything is going well is super easy. Practicing gratitude when things are challenging, that is the gift that I want to share with you today. There really is so much to be grateful for, if you choose to look for it. I wish you joy and full bellies this Holiday season. With gratitude. This is Woman’s Work To learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast, visit us at NicoleKalil.com

Today's episode of This Is Woman's Work is brought to you by the This Is Confidence virtual course. If you want to find, build, or keep your confidence, this course is for you. It's designed to meet you where you're at and help you get where you want to go. And like all things in life, it is a lot more fun if you do it with a friend. So starting Thanksgiving Day through Sunday, November 29th, you can get two courses for the price of one. That's right. All the videos, the workbook, the access to our private community will be available to both of you for the total price

of 497 instead of each of you individually paying that amount. So call a friend, your sister, your mom, aunt, cousin, close coworker, whoever you'd be excited about building your confidence with and sign up together. To get the promo code, follow me on Instagram at Nicole M. Khalil. We'll be posting it there on Thanksgiving day and sending reminders on a daily basis. We would love to see both of you in our online community. This is Confidence. I am Nicole Khalil, and on this episode of This is Woman's Work, we're going to talk about practicing gratitude. We're heading into Thanksgiving, or maybe as you're listening to this, you're recovering

from your holiday. And hint there, stretchy pants solve every problem. So being thankful, practicing gratitude, all those things are top of mind right now. But you may also be feeling stressed, annoyed, overly stuffed, exhausted, and a whole host of other feelings that often come along with the holidays. Or maybe you didn't get to spend time with your family and friends because of COVID and you're feeling hurt and sad and potentially angry about that. I get it. So I want to talk about a few things I'm grateful for, but also give a few examples of how I choose gratitude even when things aren't going the way that I want them to, or even when I'm facing a challenge,

or even when I'm feeling all the not so great feelings. Because being grateful when everything is going well, that's super easy. Practicing gratitude, no matter what is going on, when things are challenging, when things are tough, and when are great and everything in between, that is really the gift that I want to share with you today. And let me be clear, I wasn't very good at this in my younger life. In my 20s, I'm much more naturally of a pessimist or I like to say realist, but I think every pessimist calls themselves a realist. I do have a tendency to notice the obstacles and see the challenges and all of that. And so being grateful and practicing gratitude wasn't something that came supernaturally to me. It's something I really had to work on.

So let me start by sharing some of the things that I am grateful for. And, you know, I don't think there are going to be any big surprises here. I'm sure I'm echoing a lot of what you all feel, but, you know, since it's my podcast and I have the mic right now, I get to give a few shout outs to some people. So first and foremost, I am super grateful for my family. Oh, and side note here, I'm likely to cry during this episode. I don't cry very often when I'm hurt or sad, but when I am proud or expressing gratitude to people, it's like sob city. So I'll do my best. But fair warning there. Okay. So yes, I'm super grateful for my family, for my partnership with Jay. And I want to also express that my gratitude doesn't come from our relationship being perfect or him being perfect.

I do genuinely hope it would be my wish that JJ and all the single somebody who thinks in their spare time about your business and ideas about how you could grow it, somebody who at the end of a rough day hands you a glass of wine and puts on a binge-worthy episode of TV and understands that that's just what I needed right then. So those may not be your descriptions of your perfect match. And I shouldn't have said perfect. I don't even believe in that word. In your ideal match, let's say it that.

But somebody who gets you, supports you, understands you, hears you, believes in you, all of that. So I am so grateful to have even one person in my life like that. And even more so that he chose me and that I chose him and that we're going through this, all of this, the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between that we're going through it together. So super grateful for that. I'm grateful to have a tiny human who challenges me and who reminds me what's important and who makes us laugh on a regular basis and who is just, the things that she says, it reminds me that there's another way to see things and there's joy and keep

things simple and all that stuff. And I'm grateful that we're all healthy and safe and, you know, have a great home that we can live in, even though it's not our home. This is such a weird situation. I keep joking around. I am a 44-year-old married woman with a kid who is homeless and living in her parents' house. Now, the backstory on that is we decided to sell our house because we got a really, really great offer and we haven't yet found our next home and

made an offer yet. So we're in transition. So we're actually living in my parents' house in Indiana, where my sister also lives. So that brings me to another thing I'm super grateful for. My parents and my sister and my brother and my in-laws and my brother and sister, brothers and sisters-in-laws. I don't know if I said that right, but you get it. My extended family, I really genuinely don't know if I said that right, but you get it. My extended family, I really genuinely don't know how I got so lucky. My parents have been so helpful ever. I mean, my whole life, but ever since JJ is born, they've been such engaged grandparents, loving. And my sister helped us over the summer by watching JJ several times a week so that I

could work. And I mean, the list goes on. And then I got to marry into this amazing family. My in-laws are just loving and really easy people. And I know from talking to my friends that that is rarely the case. And my brother-in-laws, Jay's brothers and sister-in-laws and all the people they decided to marry are just like mind-blowingly exceptionally kind and good humans. And like, when does that happen? Like, when do you not have somebody crazy in the family? Right. So I'm super grateful for them. And of course, my friends, you know, I don't have a huge group of friends. I never have being the introvert that I am. But my people are my people. They know it. I would walk in front of a bus for them. And I know they would do do the same and they keep the secrets and they cheer the victories and they listen to the venting and

the rants and, and, uh, you know, all of the things I just, yeah, I can't even. And a special shout out to one of my very best friends, Nikki, who is also my team member, who left her job to work with me and help keep me sane and bounce ideas off of and make sure the schedule works and all the things. And I quite literally would be lost without her professionally, but even more so personally. She has a son the same age as JJ, and they get to be in virtual school together this year. And I'm so grateful for that. Which brings me to another thing I'm grateful for, teachers. I don't know that JJ's teacher will ever listen to this, but oh my goodness, this woman is a saint. She is heaven sent. I sometimes listen in and I'm thinking, I could not do that. No matter how much money you paid me, which by the way, teachers are so

dramatically underpaid. How do we fix that? But no matter how much she paid me, I could not do her job as well as she does. And I just am learning so much by watching her. And I'm so grateful that JJ gets to have somebody like her, educating her and keeping her excited about learning and recognizing her for who she is and telling us in our parent teacher conference that she's a confident little girl. Like, you know, if anybody's going to tell me anything about my kid, that's going to light me up telling me that she's confident. Like, oh God, I cried in the parent teacher conference, which I don't know, maybe, maybe not the best thing, but I did it anyway. I'm grateful to, for books and the, and the people who write them.

I'm grateful for health and home and all the things. And I'm super grateful to all of you who are listening. It really blasts my mind that people, that you, that women, that you all come and listen to something that I have to say or that our amazing guest speakers have to say, and I genuinely, truly hope it matters. I hope it lifts you up on a day. I hope it connects you to something you've always wanted to do. I hope it helps you let go of and set aside societal expectations or what other people think you should do with your one precious life. And I hope that you feel loved and safe and understood and heard all the things. So I'm so, so, so grateful for you listening. Okay. So the list goes on and I have a gratitude journal, which I'll be honest, I did for a period of time in my past and then, and then sort of forgot about it and still told

other people to do it, but just didn't set aside the time myself and my coach, Lisa Kelman, who I'm also eternally grateful for. Um, like if I put together the top five list of people who changed my life, she would be on that list. Like I'm so grateful. But anyway, she sent me a gratitude journal that I have been writing in most mornings. And it's funny when I sit and think about all the things I can be grateful for, the list is so long. Like I thought sometimes some days it'd be hard to come up with things. It's never hard to come up with things. There are so many things, big and small, permanent and temporary things that you can be grateful for. Even, you know, I wrote down recently the weather. It was a beautiful day in November, and I was really grateful for that.

I was grateful for a good night's sleep. I've been grateful for having time to take a bath. I've been grateful for hearing my kid laugh. Just there's so many things. If you want to find it, if you want to focus on gratitude, I promise it's easier than you might think it would be. Which brings me to what I said we were really going to talk about, which is practicing gratitude. And again, on the good days, it's certainly a lot easier to do that on the tough ones. I also will share that I am very mindful of my privilege in this. I would like to think that anybody can find gratitude at any time,

anywhere, but I also don't live and have an experience, don't live everybody's lives and haven't experienced everybody's experiences. So it's easier for me to say maybe than others. And I get that. But I can only speak from my experience. And I've had some really challenging times and some really tough days and some big obstacles to overcome and some times in my life where I certainly, I think, struggled with depression. Not diagnosed. I didn't take any medication or anything for it, but I can remember a time in my 20s where I never wanted to get out of bed, didn't want to leave the house, didn't go anywhere on the weekends. I didn't think about killing myself, but I thought about what would happen if I did and who would find me and when.

You know, I went pretty dark. Now, if you actually have depression or anxiety or any mental health concerns, please seek out a professional. There is absolutely no shame in that. I've said this before. I even had my therapist on the podcast. I saw her for about a year during a time where things were really up in the air for me professionally. And I was struggling personally and it was a dark time. And I actually just started seeing her again back in September from a preventative space. Like things were going pretty well, but I'm like, you know, I'm going to be living close to my parents and my sister and I love my family, but in close proximity, we can really, you know, press each other's buttons and get on each other's nerves. And so I started seeing Alex again to make sure

I was managing my emotions and feeling my emotions and, and being proactive so that I didn't build resentment or frustration or get really snippy with people. That's sort of my go-to as I get snippy, all of those things. Okay. So outside of seeking professional help, here are some examples of where I am practicing gratitude. And one of them is with my family and more especially my extended family. Being my parents, they know how to push my buttons. And I absolutely love them and so grateful, but there are times where I want to throttle my dad and I want to chuck my mom out of a window or whatever, right? I think we all feel like that. And so what I have started to do is in my morning journal is to remind myself about the things that I am grateful for about them. And there's so many things I can be. I also, in an effort to practice gratitude, have really made sure that I'm grateful for who

they actually are, not who I want them to be. I think for a lot of us, whether it's our parents or friends or significant other, we have this thing where we want one person to be our end-all be-all. We want them to be everything we want in one package. And real talk here, that doesn't exist. There is no one person who's going to meet all of your needs. They're not supposed to. And then on top of that, I think we also have expectations of how we want or expect people to behave based on what we value and what we want and desire. And that can create a lot of problems too, because A, we don't control other people, and B, unmet expectations leads to disappointment, resentment, frustration, distance in relationship.

And one of the things I began to realize in having conversations with my therapist and in practicing gratitude and focusing what I am grateful for them is that I was hoping and wishing my parents would behave or interact with me in a way that's not who they are. And when I really began to practice being grateful for who they actually are, the ways they show up, the ways they support me, the ways they like to interact in my life, I began to have an easier time accessing gratitude moment by moment, as opposed to frustration or pushing buttons. So stupid example, maybe. But one of the things I was really hoping my parents would do would be to support me a little bit more professionally,

to ask about my work, to listen to all the podcasts, I don't know, tell everybody they know to listen. I'm not even sure, but there was something missing for me from the way that my parents showed up in my life professionally. Now, I've had conversations with them about this, but that was a missing component. And I was so busy being frustrated about that or about feeling sorry for myself about that, that I stopped recognizing the ways they were showing up, the ways they do help. So when my parents come to visit, they are all about JJ. They take her on trips. They give Jay and I time to go on date nights. They

took her for a few days on a little road trip so that we could have time. They make sure she's taken care of so we can invest more time into work when they're visiting. My mom does our laundry without being asked when she visits. Like those are such great things to be grateful for, but I was missing it because I was focused on what I wanted and wasn't getting. And I never stopped to ask myself if I was expecting something from someone that they weren't in a position to give.

I need to accept the people I love for who they are. I need to accept the way they show up in my life and what's comfortable and important for them. And that doesn't mean I can't ask for things or I can't point out and have conversations, of course. But this is just an example of where I focused on being grateful for who they were and accepting them for who they are and appreciating the way that they show up in my life and beginning to let go of those unmet expectations, those ideas of who I thought they should be that I just made up all on my own. So I don't know if that resonates with any of you, but I would ask who in your life are you wanting to show up differently over and over and over again? Is there an opportunity to begin to accept them for who they are and to be grateful for what they bring into your life and who they can be for you and how they prefer to show up? Again, we can't expect one person to meet all of our needs. And so, you know, one of the things that I think about often in practicing

gratitude are what are my needs and who are the best people in my life among all of the people I have to choose from, who are the best people in my life to give those things to me? And then what do they need? And am I the person who can give them that? And how do I show up in their lives? So just being real with each other and ourselves about who we are and being grateful for that. Another example I'll give you about practicing gratitude is COVID. Now, I'm not grateful for the coronavirus, and I'm not grateful that people are dying, and I'm not grateful that people are being dramatically impacted financially, and businesses are closing, and people are barely making ends meet if they are, and people are having to sell homes, and all kinds of things. So I'm not grateful for

that, but I can choose gratitude for the experience. I can say this is a bad situation, but I'm grateful for these outcomes. So I am grateful that coronavirus has forced me to slow down. It's forced me to take more time out of my very busy work schedule so that I can be engaged and present with JJ. And it forced me to scale back on some of my meetings. And at this point, I can look back and go, wow, I was doing a lot of things that weren't really that important. I was keeping meetings for the sake of, wow, I was doing a lot of things that weren't really that important. I was keeping meetings for the sake of keeping meetings. I was being busy because being busy felt good for me. That felt like what successful people do. But now in hindsight, with the benefit of the coronavirus forcing me to slow down, I can recognize that I have way more time than I ever thought that I did. And it really is about choice management. And there are some things that just aren't going to make the cut

anymore that did make the cut prior to coronavirus. I am grateful that it has brought me this unique opportunity to be with my family. We live in Massachusetts. My sister lives in Indiana. My parents live in Indiana and New Mexico. And my brother is in California and at some point hopefully is going to move to Chicago, we think, we hope, somewhere in the Midwest so that we're all a little bit closer. But that was my hope at the beginning of the year that we would be, you know, within a two hour plane ride instead of having to fly across the country to see my brother or my parents when they're in New Mexico. And because of coronavirus and because we needed more support with JJ during the day, and because both Jay and I are able to work remotely, we were able to pack up our car,

drive 15 hours and live in a state next to my sister, next to my parents. My brother's been able to come and visit a couple of times and trust me, my sister and my parents are working every angle possible to get them to move to Indiana. But for the last six months, we have been able to live in the same town. I've been able to walk out the door and walk two blocks to my sister or four blocks to my parents. I've been able to spend time with my nephew and have him get to know me and me to get to know him other than really short, long weekend trips, right? I'm grateful that coronavirus has reminded me and us to take our health a little bit more seriously. And it reminded me and us that our actions and what we choose to do has impact on other people.

And that it's my opportunity to keep other people safe. In a way, it's almost made me feel more connected in some way. And I know that sounds crazy. And maybe I'm fishing for that. I'm not sure. But I am really grateful for some of the outcomes, for some of the experiences, from some of the lessons and the learnings of coronavirus. And frankly, I didn't know that I would say that at the beginning of all of this.

It was really hard. And that's not to say I haven't hit a few walls or that I sometimes don't get so frustrated I want to scream at somebody. But in those moments, I get to choose to practice gratitude. I get to think about the positives. I get to think about the lessons. I get to think about the learnings. So these are just a couple examples,

and I don't know if they resonate with you or not. I am just hoping that your key takeaways from all of this is that there really is so much to be grateful for if you choose to look for it, if you seek it out, if you force yourself to ask the question, what am I grateful for today? And then don't stop until you've written three things down or five things down or 10 things down and keep doing that. And by the way, forgive yourself if you miss a day or whatever. This is not like an all or nothing type thing.

You can practice gratitude anytime you want. And the second thing I hope you take away is that it's practice. It's going to require practice before it becomes natural. And if you're somebody who naturally feels grateful most of the time, I envy you. I think that's an amazing gift. Hold on to it. Keep practicing it. Give it away. Help

other people to focus in on what they're grateful for. I wish you joy and full bellies and connection in the upcoming holidays. With love and gratitude, I'm signing off and wishing you and yours the very, very best. This is woman's work.