This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 039 / Change, Resilience, and Connecting to Your Purpose with Chelsea Connors

Episode Date: December 16, 2020

What makes you uniquely and fabulously you? What is your purpose, your passion, what lights you up inside? Maybe you have the answers to these questions, or maybe you are still figuring it out and could use a little extra support. In this episode, I welcome guest Chelsea Connors - Certified Life Coach with a Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Johns Hopkins University. Chelsea shares with us her strategies for ditching the overwhelming uncertainty and neverending stress so that we can get better connected with ourselves and what matters. As we bring one year to a close and head into a new year, I encourage us all to seek and live according to our purpose. I can’t think of ANY work more important than that. To learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast, visit us at NicoleKalil.com

Hi friends, I have to do a quick plug for the This Is Confidence digital course because I can't think of a better gift to give yourself or the women that you love than the gift of confidence. Think about how much better equipped you'll be heading into the new year. Whether it's to go after that promotion, negotiate a raise, start your business, begin a new relationship, or walk away from one that's no longer serving you, increasing your confidence will make the difference. Life change, big transition, difficult conversation, confidence has you covered. The time is now. Nobody in the

history of ever has said, I wish I would have waited longer to build my confidence. And because I believe so strongly that this course will do just that, I'm offering $100 off. Visit NicoleKhalil.com and click online courses and enter gift of confidence 100 off. Or follow me on Instagram at Nicole M. Khalil and we'll be adding the promo code there. Go get yourself registered. Nicole Khalil here, ready and excited to bring you another episode of This Is Woman's Work, where together we're

redefining what it truly means to show up as a woman in our lives, our work, and our relationships. And in case I haven't been clear on this, my belief is that you get to decide. You're the only author of your story, and nobody else should tell you who you're supposed to be, supposed in air quotes. So tell me, who are you? What makes you uniquely and fabulously you? How do you want to show up in your life? What is your purpose, your passion? What lights you up from the inside and what's getting in your way? Now these are really big questions, right? And maybe you were born knowing the answers or maybe you're like me and

you're growing through life gathering information about what you like and what you don't or what works and what doesn't. Experiencing your way closer to the answers of those very big questions. Either way, it's okay. Just because you haven't been clear since birth about your purpose doesn't mean you don't have one. You do. We all do. And sometimes we could use a little support, which can be found in many ways, but one that has become much more favored is that of a life coach. What does a life coach do? Glad you asked. I've invited Chelsea Connors, certified life coach with a master's in clinical mental health counseling from Johns Hopkins University to join us to share some ways she helps her clients ditch overwhelming uncertainty and never-ending stress. Sound familiar? Me too. Yes, I get it.

So they can get better connected with themselves and what matters. Chelsea, thank you so much for joining us today. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here. I'm excited too. All right, let's jump in because I know we have a shared love of all things confidence. Oh yes. And we really are passionate about helping others connect to their confidence. And we agree that perfectionism is one of the things that really chips away at our confidence, especially for women. So in your work, talk to us about how perfectionism shows up or plays a part and how you're helping your clients navigate through this feeling that we need to do it all, have it all, be it all, and by the way, look good while we're doing it. Yeah. Oh, gosh, yes. And what a familiar feeling. And yeah, just aspect that I see so many people, myself included, struggling at times. And where I find this perfectionism can really, really get in our way is when it becomes the

thing that doesn't allow us to appreciate all that we have done, all that we already are, right? And getting to experience the joy and the fullness of just being present in our lives with our imperfections. And as I'm sure you know, right, perfectionism, it's just not, it's not real. Nobody has a perfect life. Nobody looks perfect all of the time. Nobody can be on 24 seven. And so what I see happen most often is when we live from a place where that is the expectation that we hold of ourselves, it becomes the thing that pushes us further and further away from our real life, whether that be

our role at work or our relationships or how we parent or what we see as possible for ourselves in our future. And we start to feel more isolated, more stressed, more anxious. And so we think that perfectionistic tendencies are helping us show up and work better and work harder and do more, which in some ways it may be, but is it in a way that's actually helpful and in service of your greatest good? Or is it in a way that is toxic and self-destructive in some avenues as well? Okay. So you said so many good things in there and I want to unpack a few of them. Number one, yes, you know, perfection isn't an achievable goal, right? So you're setting yourself up to lose right away. Can't achieve it. It's not possible. So, you know, therein lies a huge problem.

But a couple of other things that you said that really resonated with me is perfectionism forces us to focus on what isn't or what we aren't or what we don't have versus grace or acceptance or self-awareness allows us to connect to what is, who we are, and what we do have. And obviously, if you say it that way, which it's a clear, there is a healthier option, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And my favorite thing that you said that I've never really heard it said this way, but it just, like, I don't, it kind of brought tears to my eyes is perfectionism disconnects us from ourselves. Yeah, absolutely. Because what I see most often, and certainly everything that I share,

I speak to from full humanness. I'm also a human who experiences all of these things. And I think when perfectionism kind of has the mic in our mind or in our brain space and is the one that is talking the loudest, that we hear the most, we're constantly being fueled with all of the reasons we're not enough, all of the reasons that we failed, all of the reasons we should have done better or showed up more for ourselves or for other people. And so how understandable that that would be a really hard place to live and to thrive from. And even if we manage to grin and bear it, grit and bear it for a while, and we keep pushing through, eventually, we're going to get tired, that's going to be depleting. We're going to feel that disconnection from our true selves and from the world around us. So I think that that's, yeah, it's just something I see so frequently in my work. I didn't really realize how much this impacts pretty much every woman I've ever interacted with at the same level. I thought it was a me thing, right? Like this is a me problem. Perfection is them having the mic in our brain. I love that visual. I think sometimes people think that's like their inner voice. Yeah. Right. Or like, that's like your instinct trying to tell you something.

How do you, for you tell the difference between your inner voice and like your conscience or, or, or, or, you know, that versus when perfectionism is grabbed the mic away and taken over? How, how do you know the difference? Yeah, that's such a good question. I think it can be hard sometimes to differentiate what is kind of this more surface level perfectionism talking and what is our true selves or inner self. And we use so many different terms, I think, to describe those two different voices. For me personally, I think what I look for to help to differentiate is the energy that I experience when I'm listening. Because when perfectionism is talking, I don't usually feel a lot of great things. I usually feel rushed. sometimes a sense of lack or comparison, or I feel pressure, or I feel disheartened or saddened

in some way, even if it's moving me forward in quotation marks, like even if it's pushing me, I don't feel good as I'm being pushed. Whereas if it's my inner voice or my inner knowing, there is a sense of lightness and opportunity and potential. And I also would say that there's like a succinctness to my inner voice or my inner knowing, whereas my perfectionism voice can drone on and on and on. And so those are two- Yeah, that bitch is long-winded, right? So I really try and pay attention to like, okay, well, how am I feeling as I'm listening to this voice within me? What is that energy like?

Do I feel excited, expansive, or even neutral sometimes? Because sometimes I don't always like what my true inner voice is saying. That's totally accurate as well, but it doesn't feel demeaning. Whereas with my perfectionism, I just feel like yuck when I'm listening to that side of me. Totally. I can feel that feeling what you're talking about, the way you feel that difference, right? I also sometimes think it's just sometimes as simple as our inner voice is going to come from a place of love and kindness. Like you said, even if it's not what we want to hear, like our inner voice, it's like a

loved one, right? A close friend or family member telling you, hey, you're off course, but they're going to say it with love, right? Yeah. Whereas perfectionism is not kind. It's like, you know, the bully or the worst enemy or the person who rants on social media in your brain. Absolutely.

I love that description. Me too. Okay, good. So I know one of the things that you have done in your work this whole time, but has got to have been pushed to the forefront with the pandemic is helping people navigate through change and maybe more specifically a resistance to change. Tell us a little bit about that work and it's probably pretty timely, right? Yeah, it is absolutely so timely. I think my passion and connection for this specific type of work and support around resisting change or around transition in life definitely comes from my own experiences. I used

to be somebody who had a really hard time when I recognized that things were changing or I was moving from one season of life into another and I didn't know what the next one was going to look like or how I was going to navigate it. That felt incredibly unsettling for me and anxiety provoking. And I see much the same now that I do this work and have navigated through it on my own, that the reality is that in life, things are always changing. And to your point, 2020 has put that on a billboard a million times over for all of us to stare at and stare at again over and over again. And while change isn't always what we're wanting or what we were anticipating, and sometimes it is, right? It can be hard either way. And so learning how do we lean into and practice, I heard you use some great words before, like acceptance or impermanence in a way that is self-supportive can be such really important things that I don't think we really learn very much in our society, right? We're very used to protecting and saving and making things safe and

preserving something, whether that be a relationship or a certain dynamic or a certain routine, right? And 2020 has thrown us off of all of those things. For many of us, our relationships have changed, our dynamics have changed, our routines have changed, and we've been forced to flow with it in a lot of ways. And I think when we can learn how to allow for that change and apply a term I like to use, workability, of what is workable based on my new reality or based on this change or transition that I'm going through and befriend ourselves through it rather than fight against it, we can help to, again, access so much more joy and presence and expansiveness in our lives, even if we don't like that change, which I think can feel counterproductive sometimes.

Yeah. Okay. So again, so many good things in there. If you are resisting change, what are some of the signs or what are some of the ways it might be showing up in your life? So for me, a bit of a control freak over here. So when I'm resisting change, it typically shows up in a hyper, you know, drive of, of trying to control everything around me. That's usually a good tell for me, but I'm sure that's not the only tell. What are some other things that you observe? Yeah, I think I love that question. And yeah, I think hyper performance, right, is definitely one where we're trying to do all the things, be all of the things all the time so that we can control, we can keep everything,

keep our ducks in a row per se. So that's one avenue that we might find ourselves going. Another might be the exact opposite side of that spectrum where it might be underperformance where we're just like, I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm checking out. And so just looking at that dichotomy reminds me of kind of all or nothing thinking, which is what we can, I mean, we all do that, but a lot of what can come up if we're resisting change, we can start to think, well, if it's not going to be the way that I'm used to it being, I'm not

doing that, or I'm not here for that anymore, whatever it might be. Another common response that I see when people are resisting change is avoidance and just not being able to look at something or deal with something or acknowledge what's happening. We're just going to put that in a little spot over in the corner, look in the other direction and pretend it's not happening. So those are some of, some of the responses that we can notice when someone is resisting change, though that is by no means all-inclusive. Yeah. Okay. So good examples there. You said kind of a lean towards keeping things safe and a few other things. You articulated it very well, and I'm not repeating it very well. But there is

this sort of belief, and I don't know if it's more generational or more of a current thing, but keep things safe and avoid failure at all costs. And don't put yourself out there because something bad could happen, whatever. And obviously, there is an element of keeping ourselves safe, especially as women, we got to trust our guts and things like that. But this desire to avoid failure and keep things safe, is it doing more damage than good? I would say, and this is definitely an overgeneralization, but more often than not, I would say yes. decision, this action, is it fighting more towards protection and safety or my evolution and my growth is a question that is derived from a practice called ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which is a really pointed question of, is this leading me towards vitality or suffering? And I think for a lot of us, if we are struggling against something in a moment, right, or we're fighting to resist change or to keep something

the way it once was, we ask ourselves a question like that. Is me fighting this change leading me towards vitality or my suffering? We're going to get a pretty clear, quick, succinct answer from our inner knowing that even if we're not ready in that moment to act upon the answer that we just got, we can have more clarity around what's going on internally. And that can help us unpack the inner dialogue sometimes or work through those emotions with a bit more intention because we recognize what's happening and we can start to poke holes in the way that we're guiding ourselves or those stories that our mind is coming up with or the reason that we're forming behind anything. And we can kind of start to be playful with ourselves in this moment and be like, oh, here we go again.

Here's my little mind fighting for my safety, which is actually causing me more suffering and pain. How am I going to impact this a little bit further? And that's what I see helps us to release some of those patterns, because that's, again, an area I see people get stuck a lot is sometimes we have the recognition or we know that we're doing something that's not in our best interest, but we don't know how to release it or we don't know how to stop fighting for only our safety in a way that's not helpful or only our suffering because it feels more familiar and the uncertainty feels so overwhelming because we can't control that. So that was a long-winded answer to your question, but that's where my mind went. I always think the best coaches have the best questions. And that was a really good

example of that. A good coach isn't going to tell you the answers. They're going to ask you good questions and help you self-discover, right? So you did that very well. So there are some changes we choose and there are some that are thrust upon us. And during, you know, different seasons of life or different transitions, you know, resilience is a big determining factor for a lot of people. So what does resilience mean? What does that look like for you? Yeah, absolutely. I remember learning so vividly about this idea of resilience and the term resilience when I was back in school and it resonated so deeply with me and kind of in simple words or terms, when I think of resilience, I think of the ability to try again. When we've

experienced something, when we've been knocked down, when things don't go according to plan, it is our capacity to work through that and stand up again. And I think when it comes to transitions, change, unexpected nature of normal life, resilience, and believing that we are able to stand back up again and finding the ways in which we support ourselves to do that is a really important practice. And I genuinely think that it is something that can be practiced. I think similar to confidence, as I've heard you talk about on some of your other podcast episodes, I used to hold this belief, which I think if I'm remembering correctly, you shared too, that confidence was something that people have or don't have. And what we've learned is that, no, this is something that can be grown. It can be developed. It can be practiced intentionally over time. Yeah. Which is the best news ever, right? Yes. And same thing with resilience, right? Like we can start to learn,

how do I help myself stand back up once I feel like I just got the wind knocked out of me? Or if things are feeling heavy or hard, what does resilience look like in a moment like that versus a moment where I knew change was coming? I knew something was going to happen, right? It might look different. How we stand back up in those moments and different scenarios is going to feel different as well. And so the art of finding what do you do to support yourself. But I think no matter what, one of the underlying things is self-efficacy and starting to really recognize that you can do this and garnering your own self-belief so that you can practice confidence and resilience and all of these beautiful practices that we're talking about. So talk to us more about self-efficacy.

It's something that I'm hearing more. Ironically, my daughter's virtual school, that's one of their core values. And when I saw it, I was like, oh, thank you. But talk to us about self-efficacy. Obviously, I can't say it all the time, but how does it show up? What do you mean? Yeah. So when I say self-efficacy, I think there used to be, and I don't know, but I think back to my own education. And I think the term that used to be utilized so much was self-esteem. And self-efficacy is so different than self-esteem or even self-confidence in many ways. Self-efficacy, the way that I see it, is really just an understanding that you have the ability and capability to do the things that you want to do,

right? To move through hard moments or to go after a career or a dream that you want or to be the partner, friend, parent that you want to be, that you are capable essentially of doing all of those things and really starting to have more compassion and awareness for yourself around that and looking for evidence of all of the reasons that you are capable to help you cultivate and grow your self-efficacy and recognizing that you have the capability to be who you want to be and to act how you want to act and live how you want to live. Yeah. One of the tools I use personally and with the people I've worked with is the things I know to be true at this point in my life list, where it's our opportunity to connect to all of the

things we know about ourselves that we can count on, that we trust and trying to circle back to that when we're in transition or making big decisions or things like that. What other tips do you have for helping people become more connected to what they're capable of and really trusting themselves? Yeah. So I think I really like to explore this from a couple of different avenues that intertwine. So I think about how important self-awareness and self-experimentation is, right? And it's starting to be a researcher with yourself and starting to pay more attention. I think since we live in such a busy, full world where we can constantly be engaged or be processing information or taking in other people's stuff, be it social media, watching TV, the people that we engage with in our real lives,

starting to spend some intentional time with yourself can be really empowering as you're navigating a transition. And then another avenue I like to explore is values. I think values and getting clear around what matters to each person on an individual level is so empowering and so grounding because values, personal values can be such a beautiful thing to come back to when life feels really hard or when things feel really scary or uncertain, because it's almost like those are the roots that, you know, help you feel deeply connected to your sense of groundedness and nobody can take those away from you. And so that's often where I do a lot of work with my clients is around helping them to define and clarify what those personal values are on a deeper level than just like naming a lot of things that of course, many of us value like family or quality time or financial stability, right? Like, absolutely. Those are important values. But why? Like, I want you to feel it when you tell me about your values, so that that feels really clear to you when there's so much uncertainty or there's so much that feels hard in life that you can very easily connect back to what matters to you and for you.

Yeah. I can't emphasize how much I agree with you. I fortunately had a coach and several people who really helped me connect to my values. And I remember my first draft, she's like, that sounds more like a wishlist. Cause it was like kind of more focused on what I wasn't and wanted to be as opposed to what I deeply value that connects with who I am and how I want to show up in the world. So, you know, my values are commitment, courage, authenticity. Those three are my, you know, so the reason I bring that up is one of the other things I think knowing your values and being deeply connected to them does is it helps make decisions easier and more obvious. It helps that transition and change time. It's not easy. It's just simpler, right? Because I know what I value. I know, I might not know the answer, but I can tell

which choice has me show up authentically tell which choice has me show up authentically or which choice has me show up courageously or what would commitment have me do here. And so it's not, you know, I hesitate to use the word easy, but it does make things more obvious. Would you agree? I absolutely agree. And I think, yeah, to your point, just because we know something or we have an inkling in one direction, that doesn't mean following through on it is quote unquote easy, but we can have that clarity or peace of mind of, okay, this maybe is the answer, the direction that seems to be lining up more with what I've said matters to me. And so what would it look like to follow that inkling or, right, just sit with the clarity and direction

that I can find from having my values clearly identified. And so absolutely, I think that can be so helpful when decisions feel hard to, yeah, it's not a perfect science, but it can be a guide. It can be a North Star to come back to. Yep. I call it my lighthouse. Yes. Right? Perfect.

The dark and stormy waters and you don't know what's going on. Where's my lighthouse? Right? And that, yeah. I also loved when you said being a researcher with yourself or researcher of yourself, is there any more fascinating topic? I mean, what a great thing to research and be committed to. And it sort of brings to mind for me a little bit of when people research things, there's a little bit of not being emotionally connected.

And I'm not suggesting that we don't be emotionally connected with ourselves, but in that vein of really getting to know ourselves is to not judge everything, right? Yep. Yep. And I think that to me kind of full circle back to perfection everything, right? Yep. Yep. And I think that to me, kind of full circle back to perfectionism, right? It's giving ourselves the time and space to experiment because the truth is that when we experiment or when we research, we don't always know, well, we shouldn't, if we're doing true research, know the outcome, right? And so it really is about the exploration, the process. And so it reminds me

of kind of the cheesy quote of, it's not about the outcome, it's about the process. And I think if we're able to lean into more research and experimentation with ourselves as a self-support, it gives us more space to try new things, to learn what works for us, what doesn't, to succeed and to fail and to find value in all of those things and everything in between, which is opposite for many of us of how we live our lives or what perfectionism will tell us. And so I really, yeah, being a researcher and allowing yourself to experiment with what works for you is, it's just so powerful. And so I think it's also realistic. It's freeing. It's such a relief. Yeah. For me, that has learned, it looked like learning to love the journey as opposed to always being focused on the destination.

Yep. That was a big different, is a big difference maker for me. And I have to remind myself of that. And Chelsea, I appreciate you taking that for full circle for us. I can't believe we're at time, but I feel like there's so many other things we could talk about. But for those of you listening, if you would like to engage with Chelsea or learn more about her work, you can reach out to her on her website, which is ChelseaConnors.com. It's C-H-E-L-S-E-A-C-O-N-N-O-R-S.com. Or you can follow her on Instagram

at ChelseaConnors underscore. Chelsea, thank you so much for your time today. And before I let you off the hook, I wanted to ask if you wouldn't mind sharing a little bit about your Foundations of You group coaching that you do. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much. First off, thank you so much

for having me. I loved having our conversation and just, I think we have so much synchronicity in how we see things. And I always love that. Foundations of You is my signature process of really helping people to break through anxiety, self-doubt, fear, and uncertainty so that they can learn how to connect with themselves. So that how piece, right? A lot of times we get it on a logical level, but when it comes to implementing, it feels really challenging so that they can build the really foundational supports of their emotional well-being to build confidence and live life in a way that they actually enjoy. And so that is my signature process that I've put together after thousands and thousands of hours of sitting with clients over the years. So I love sharing that with anyone who feels like that might feel good for them and be a good support with where they're at. And I mean, I, without having gone through it myself, I would highly

recommend it just based on our conversation and what you've said here. Um, so I would imagine if people want to find out more about that, your website and Instagram. Okay, great. Yep, absolutely. Ladies, go find her. Okay, ladies, it isn't up to me or anyone else to define your role as a woman or how you should show up in your life. That's your job and your opportunity. You get to define and live your best life, to be resilient when working towards what matters, to be a researcher of yourself, to become fascinated by yourself. That is my hope for you and really for all of us. And if you could use some support in answering those big questions, don't hesitate to ask.

If you're in the position to make the investment, a life coach can be an amazing resource. If you're not, seek out a wise friend or a mentor or somebody who loves and sees the best in you. Let's do it together this holiday season. As we bring one year to a close, and I'm sure most of us are happy to see 2020 in the rear view mirrored, but as we bring that year to a close, and I'm sure most of us are happy to see 2020 in the rear view mirrored, but as we bring that year to a close and head into a new year, I encourage us all to seek and live our purposes. I can't think of any work more important than that, and this is woman's work.