This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 040 / Things I Know To Be True...

Episode Date: December 30, 2020

How connected are you, to you, at this point in your life? As we end a challenging year and welcome a new one (yes, please!), there is no better time to get clear and reconnect with our strengths, and appreciate our own value. In this episode, we dig deeper into the 5 steps of creating or updating our “Things I Know To Be True About Me” list, so that we can connect back to who we are and what we can count on. Step into the new year confidently, not because you’re confident with what the future holds, but because you’re confident in yourself. I wish you joy and love and infinite possibilities in 2021. But more than anything, I wish you confidence. To learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast, visit us at NicoleKalil.com

Hi friends, I have to do a quick plug for the This Is Confidence digital course because I can't think of a better gift to give yourself or the women that you love than the gift of confidence. Think about how much better equipped you'll be heading into the new year. Whether it's to go after that promotion, negotiate a raise, start your business, begin a new relationship, or walk away from one that's no longer serving you, increasing your confidence will make the difference. Life change, big transition, difficult conversation, confidence has you covered. The time is now. Nobody in the

history of ever has said, I wish I would have waited longer to build my confidence. And because I believe so strongly that this course will do just that, I'm offering $100 off. Visit NicoleKhalil.com and click online courses and enter gift of confidence 100 off. Or follow me on Instagram at Nicole M. Khalil and we'll be adding the promo code there. Go get yourself registered. I am Nicole Khalil, and we're releasing this episode of This Is Woman's Work on December 30th, 2020, which means we are coming to the end of what might be the most unpredictable, chaotic, and challenging years in most of our lifetimes. There have been silver linings, of course,

and opportunities for growth and the strengthening of all of our abilities to pivot. But I believe I speak for most of us when I say 2020 was a doozy. And we're about to head into 2021 as we do in just about any year with hope and goals and possibilities and resolutions, but also with continued uncertainty and possibly feeling more worn out, more unsure, less able to plan, and with less control than in years past. We don't know what's in store for us, but what we do know for sure is that you will always be a factor, maybe the factor in how your year plays out. Because it doesn't matter where you go or what's going on or what's happening in the

outside world, you will always be the constant in your life. Seems kind of obvious, right? But how connected are you to you at this point in your life? Right now, as you're listening, do you feel disconnected from yourself, unsure, confused, disoriented, unbalanced, or possibly unhinged? When is the last time you purposefully connected with yourself, with your confidence, with your strengths and superpowers, and your unique abilities and talents. If it's been a while, well, let's do it now together.

Because I believe the greatest gift, the greatest power you can give yourself is walking into the new year with confidence and a deep appreciation of your value and your worthiness. You are not here by accident and you are the only you there will ever be. There is no you in history and there will be no other you in the future. You are the only you there is, and that makes you pretty damn special. So let's honor you. And there are lots of ways people do this. Lots of ways you may already be doing this. Things like meditation or gratitude journaling or any self-development, reading books, doing courses. Quick plug for the This Is Confidence digital course. If you really are committed to or wanting to improve your confidence

in 2021, honestly, this is all of my best coaching in one place. But outside of that, there are so many ways you can be growing your confidence, including keeping your commitments, giving yourself grace, and so forth and so on. But one of my favorite ways is the things I know to be true about me at this point in my life list. Yes, I know it's a very long name. I probably should have come up with something shorter, at the very least like an acronym or something, but it is what it is. You've already heard me talk about this before, and hopefully you already have a list going. But today I want to dig deeper and also give you some examples. I typically tell people that I do this one to two times a year, which is true. But I also share that it's great to do during big life transitions,

things like a job change or marriage or divorce or breakups or when you have a big move, things like that. But outside of these types of moments, I usually do this on my birthday. But this new year felt like a good time for me and really for so many of you to reconnect back to who we are and what we can count on. So let's dive in and do this together. I'm actually going to recreate my things I know to be true about me at this point in my life list, and I'm going to do it in real time with you. So you have a choice. If you happen to have time right now, like an extra half an hour to an hour, then do this with me. Hit pause and go through the exercise and let's do it together. If you don't have the time and

you're just listening, you can keep listening and circle back and schedule some time on your calendar. A half an hour or an hour would be ideal. And I know it's hard to find the time, but trust me, you can make the time for something as important as this. Or, you know, maybe you want to hit pause and listen to this when you do have the time. However you want to do it, I'm fine with. Okay. So the first step in creating your things I know to be true about me at this point in my life is to grab a piece of paper, or if you want a nice template,

visit nicoleclill.com forward slash resources. You can download the things I know to be true about me template for free on the website. But grab something to write on, grab something to write with, or type it into your computer if you're downloading the template, however you want to do it, and give yourself a little quiet time with ideally limited distractions. And you're going to begin by writing all the things you know to be true about yourself, things that you can count on, things that you like about yourself here. I'm going to give you a few questions that will hopefully help get the wheels turning and start the brainstorming process. Here are some of those questions. What do I like about me? Ask yourself that. What do I like about me? What can I count

on about myself? What seems to come more naturally to me than others? What do I do well or with ease? What feedback am I given consistently? And there are so many more other questions that you can ask yourself, but I think this is a good starting point. So go ahead, press pause, start writing down all of the things you know to be true about you at this point in your life. Okay. You either have unpaused and have a running list of things you know to be true about you, or you're listening all the way through. Either way, I have a starting point as well, and I'm going to share a few things that I came up with just to give some examples and to give

you a sense of what this might look like. So for me, some of the things I know to be true about me at this point in my life, in my brainstorming session, I came up with this. I love my people. I'm loyal. I say what I mean, mean what I say. I'm honest. I'm a logical thinker and can use that to recover quickly in tough times. I'm a good decision maker. I impact others positively and I'm willing to get uncomfortable for the benefit of others. I can trust my gut. My instincts are worth listening to. I see things, problem solve, and find solutions quicker and more easily than most. I live, love, and speak authentically. I show up when it matters. I stand up for myself and my convictions and beliefs.

I am count-on-able. I don't even know if that's a word. That's what I wrote. I'm reliable, trustworthy. If I say I'll do it, you can take it to the bank. So those are some examples of what I came up with in 10 minutes. I just, what popped into my head when I asked myself the questions, what do I like about myself? What can I count on? What comes more naturally? Things like that. So that's sort of my starting point.

And now you have a starting point too. What I would ask though, is you go back and just quickly read through your list and watch for any disclaimers, justifications, explanations, or any wording that you use to soften or sort of discount any of your things you know to be true about you. I think we as women have a hard time writing only good things or saying or believing only the good things about ourselves. We have a tendency to feel like we're boasting or bragging or that our ego has taken over. And so we sort of soften things up. So I'll give a few examples. I told you that I wrote, I'm a good decision maker. My brain said, I'm a good decision maker most of the time. Like that most of the time thing had to come in for me and I needed to leave that off. I crossed out the most of my time. I'm a good decision maker. None of us are anything a hundred percent of the time. And the goal here is not perfection. So if you found yourself doing

most of the time or like, you know, uh, gosh, but not this one time, set that aside and just let the thing stand on its own. I know in the past I wrote things like, I'm honest to a fault. Cross out the to a fault. Being honest is a wonderful thing. If somebody takes fault with that, that's a them thing, not a you thing. Being honest is such a cool and rare trait. And again, those words only serve to discredit or discount the truth that I am honest. And again, maybe not 100% of the time. I can think of a time or two that I've lied, but that's not the point here. I'm honest. It is what it is. Or things like, I love to read, but I don't do it enough, right? Where we constantly like make a statement, but then sort of apologize for it. I love to read. It is what it is.

Or maybe you said, I'm pretty smart. Cross out the pretty. You're just smart. That's okay. And then sometimes we tend to go into comparison. So again, on that smart example, I'm smart. Your brain might go, but I'm not as smart as this person, or I'm not the smartest person in the world. Well, no shit, but you can still be smart and write that down. So go back and cross out any disclaimers, justifications, explanations, or softening of what you know to be true about you. Nobody else is going to read this. You don't have to share it with anybody. This is just for you. So make sure it reads from a confident place.

Okay. Now, how many things are on your list? And let me clarify, there's no right or wrong amount of things you know to be true about you. Maybe you have one super powerful and totally empowering truth like, I trust myself. Great. I love it. But I have done this enough times to know that so many women have a hard time coming up with a long list of things that make them awesome. So I'm going to ask you to dig a little bit deeper. We're going to move into step

two, which is growing your list. And one of the great ways to do this is to ask for feedback. Now I'm going to be specific about this. When you ask for feedback, there are two things that must exist. Both need to be true about the person that you're asking feedback from. They need to both know you and love you. Know you because that's how they're going to give insights and love you because they will focus on the great things. They're going to see the things that maybe you don't see about yourself. So reaching out to the people who both know you and love you to get additional things to add to your list, to get that feedback. So you can ask them same questions. What are my superpowers?

What do you love about me? What can you count on about me? Whatever the questions may be. I'm going to give you an example. Prior to recording, I sent a text to my three best friends. We are on a group text, and so I'm going to read exactly what I wrote. I'm doing something for work, and in true form, I left shit until the last minute, which is true. I'm doing this for work. My podcast is my work, and I did send this about 30 minutes before I hit record, which is true. I'm doing this for work. My podcast is my work. And I did send this about 30 minutes before I hit record, which is very last minute. But what I wrote is, can you share

what you can count on about me? What are my superpowers? What are your favorite things about me? And in parentheses, I put two to three things total would be super helpful. And then I ended with please and thank you. Within 30 minutes, I had eight responses from all three of them and more things than I can count. And so many things that I just missed or hadn't thought of in a while or hadn't connection to about myself. And then some things that, gosh,

I don't know if I totally believe, but I love so much that they believe that about myself. And then some things that, gosh, I don't know if I totally believe, but I love so much that they believe that about me. And it forced me to think. And honestly, it is probably one of the highlights of my year, this text chain. I'm going to save it forever. I was crying and super emotional and super grateful. And like, what an amazing experience to hear from people who know and love you, things about you without any of the disclaimers or any of the things that we do to ourselves. And it felt so great that I responded to them, the things I know to be true about them, because I wanted them to feel as good as I do in the moment. So I am going to ask you, hit pause if you haven't already, and go gather some feedback. Send a text to a few of the people who know and love you. Ask your

spouse, whatever works for you. Find your people, ask some questions, hit pause, and we'll circle back. Okay. You either have now unpaused and you're back with us, or again, you're listening all the way through. Either way is fine. But now you've got some more things to add to your list. Maybe even tweaks of things you did know, but now you're stating them even stronger than you did before. I have a few examples of that. One of my favorite things, the first response and what means so much to me is, I know that no matter what, you'll be there for me, is what one of my friends said. And I reinforced and added to my list, I show up when it matters. I added to my list, I have a quick wit, which honestly, I have never

added anything about my wit or my humor or being funny or anything like that. But all three of my friends said something about me being funny or having a quick wit or something like that. But all three of my friends said something about me being funny or having a quick wit or something like that. And so I got to acknowledge that for the first time. I got some things where it had me add to my list. I'm willing to take risks because I trust myself. I choose courage. I practice what I preach. I see things from different perspectives and am willing to keep an open mind and change my mind when needed. I'm confident. So these are things, the confident thing, by the way, is so funny that I didn't put that on my own list, given my obsession with it. Thank you to my friends for that reconnect to something. But

hopefully they've given you some things to think about and some things to add to your list. So step two is to grow and develop that list. Step three is if you've done this before, pull out any previous versions. If you haven't done this before, you can skip step three, but review any previous versions. Is there anything that you missed? Things that you wrote? Things that you wrote down before that you kind of forgot about that you need to add back into your list? And

also notice, has anything evolved? Are there any new things you know to be true about you at this point in your life? Because we're constantly growing and changing and evolving because life is constantly growing and changing and evolving. And this is a year where a lot of things, I think, became obvious about ourselves. This is a really good opportunity to reflect, which brings me to step four, which is reflection and rereading. So now you've sort of put together this list. I'd ask you to read it all the way through. How do you feel about this person? Does your brain start listing all the things that you're not? Does it start going through the yeah buts? Are you starting to think about your faults? None of your faults. None of your owning who you're not. None of the things that aren't

true change any of the things that are. None of your faults change anything on this list. This list is about connecting to the things you know to be true about you at this point in your life. This is not a list trying to claim that you're perfect or that you have it all together or that you have all the answers or that you don't need to work on anything. This list though doesn't change. It is who you are. It's what you can count on about yourself and none of your faults, failures, fears, or doubts change any of the things that are on your list. What would happen if you showed up as this person consistently? In your life, what would be possible if you operated as this person? What would be different?

What would be better? So step number four is reflecting and rereading your list and really connecting with it. Asking yourself some questions. Asking yourself where in your life you may not be showing up as this person consistently. Why? Why in that situation or with that person or at that time are you not showing up as your confident and true self? Is it time to make some changes? Maybe you need to disconnect. Maybe this person is no longer the right person or this situation doesn't serve you anymore. Just really reflecting and thinking to yourself about your list. And then finally, step five is to use and practice the things on your list. So whether it's reading it first thing every morning,

maybe you tape it to your mirror and you read it out loud to yourself while you're looking at yourself. Maybe you bring it out right before a big meeting or an important conversation or when you're going to take a big risk or any of those big life transitions I talked about earlier. There are so many times and so many ways you can use this list, but if you write it and set it on a shelf and let it collect dust, it's not going to do a lot of good for you. How can you leverage this? How can you use it? Maybe give it to your friends if you trust them or your spouse or a family member that you trust completely. And when you're having a tough day

or when you're disconnected from who you are or when you feel like you've lost your confidence, maybe have them read it to you. I don't know. There's so many things, but how are you going to use and practice using all of the things that you know to be true about you? There are two quotes that I want to share here that I think really drive the point in this process home. One is by Tina Lifford. I think I'm saying the last name right. It's L-I-F-F-O-R-D. And the quote says, when you know yourself, you are empowered. When you accept yourself, you are invincible. What better way to go into 2021 than being empowered and invincible. And my second quote is one of my absolute favorites. It says, a bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because her trust is not on the branch, but on her own wings. And that's what this list is really

about. We don't know what's going to happen in 2021. There is a lot of things up in the air, but your trust shouldn't be on the things that are going to happen, the decisions that are going to be made, politics, your results. Your trust gets to be on your own wings. And your wings are the things you know to be true about you. I so hope this is resonating with you and that you actually take the time, if you haven't already, to go through this process. It is seriously so uplifting and can absolutely be life-changing. And it gives you something healthy and productive to fall back on when you have your doubts and your fears, which is inevitable. We all do. Being confident

is always important. If you find yourself thinking, I don't have the time, I'm going to challenge you. Remember, it's not time management, it's choice management. It is being mindful of what's important and where your priorities lie. How much time are you investing in your appearance, in other people, in proving yourself, or on social media? These things are big time sucks, time wasters that we all fall into. We all fall into that trap. But being connected to what makes you great, to your confidence, is so much more impactful than any of those things and has a far greater return on investment than anything on that list.

So take a half an hour and don't be on social media and do this instead. Maybe cancel or delay a nail appointment to do this instead. Or whatever the case may be. I don't know what you're doing or not doing during coronavirus, but I know that you can find a half an hour for something this important. Let's step into the new year confidently. Not because you're confident in what the future holds, but because you're confident in yourself. I wish you joy and love and infinite possibilities in 2021. But more than anything, more than your results or your goals or your outcomes or what happens or doesn't

happen in 2021, I wish you confidence because this is woman's work.