This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 051 / Connecting To Your Sexuality with Aylen Doucette

Episode Date: April 7, 2021

I don’t think there’s an area of women’s lives that is judged more than our sexuality. Society tells us how we should act, look and feel. Our bodies and what we are supposed to (or not supposed to) do with them is commented on endlessly. Yes ladies, in this episode we are talking about sex, but really, we are going to talk about SO much more. I’ve asked Aylen Doucette - Sex, Love and Relationship Coach, to join us. She supports both women and men to find more pleasure and purpose - and expand deeper into the possibilities of their sexual energy, desire and relationships. Ultimately, you are the only decider of what feels good for your body. In the amazing words of Rupi Kaur: “Live loud and proud like you deserve, and reject their bullshit definition of what a woman should look and behave like.” This is Woman’s Work. To learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast, visit us at NicoleKalil.com

Coming up on this episode of This Is Woman's Work. It's really connecting with what works for you and deconstructing any of the shame, the guilt, and the ideas of what it means to be a woman. Nicole Kalil here, and I started the This Is Woman's Work podcast with the mission and desire to offer a space where we could all redefine for ourselves and with each other what doing woman's work actually looks and feels like. And in case I haven't been clear enough, I believe we each get to decide that in our own lives. Nobody can live your life authentically, but you. And what feels right, true, and maybe even obvious to one woman might not to another. And that's as it should be, because we all arrived here with our own unique talents, experiences, and gifts. And I hope we

all would stand before God if and when the time comes and say, I used everything that you gave me. I didn't waste any of it. But society, others, and even well-intentioned family and friends often tell or hint at what we should do or what we shouldn't do, how we should behave or how we shouldn't behave. And I don't think there's an area of our lives where we hear more shoulds or shouldn'ts than our sexuality. Our bodies and what we're supposed to or are not supposed to do with them are commented on endlessly. It used to bother me, worry me, make me uncomfortable. Now it disgusts me. I spent a lifetime working on being open and less reactive, accepting over judgmental, empathetic and kind over harsh and mean. But when it comes to other

people's opinions about a woman's body or her sexuality, all that goes out the window and I turn into a ball of rage and fire. And I'm working on that too. So I've asked Aileen Doucette, sex, love, and relationship coach to join us. She is currently studying classical Tantra and completing her somatic sex education while she supports both women and men to find more pleasure and purpose and expand deeper into the possibilities of their sexual energy, desire, and relationships. That's right, ladies, we are going to talk about sex, but really we're going to talk about so much more. Thank you, Aylan, for joining us today.

Thank you for having me. I'm excited and honestly a little nervous. This can be a big and, as I mentioned already, well-commented on topic. And I wanted to start by asking, what struggles or themes, if that's the right word, do you see for women and sexuality here in 2021? Obviously we've made some progress, but we still, I think have a lot of work to do. So what are you seeing for women at this time as it relates to our sexuality? Yeah, great question. You know, it's been really nuanced

because we do have a lot more freedom, especially within our careers. We don't necessarily need to get married. We don't necessarily need to have children. We have much more freedom in those realms. And I think what I'm finding kind of pleasantly is that women are aware of all of these freedoms that they have, but they still feel like this area is where they don't have full choice. And so I see a lot of really smart, intelligent women that are aware enough to say, I feel like I don't have the full agency over my body, over my, and I don't even want to say over, but with my body, with my sexuality, to really express and fulfill myself in the ways that my deepest heart is calling for.

Because I do believe each woman within herself is connected to that deepest alignment with her sexuality. So it's kind of calling her to come home to it, even if she doesn't quite know logically how it can really look, she intuitively feels that. So in many ways, we have a lot of freedom and in many ways, we're still figuring this piece out in our society. That resonates with me completely, especially as a professional working woman. And I'm sure that we as women are all, you know, facing that in some form or fashion. What resonated with me specifically is as a career oriented and professional woman, how often I feel like my sexuality has been used against me and how often, as I look back, I felt like I had to navigate and really almost could never win my sexuality in my career. And I, you know, sometimes tried to go the sex in the city, Samantha route and like, you know, really own it and be brazen and bold, but that

wasn't really authentic for me. And then I, you know, tried to, in some situations dress, you know, over-sexed or under-sexed. I feel like there is so much of our sexuality in the workforce and it really doesn't belong there. Do you have any comments or thoughts about that? Yeah, absolutely. And I think what you're speaking to, which I think a lot of women have had this challenge. And even though I'm not in the typical corporate world, I still face this within my world, was just in a training recently where it was a little bit confusing about how sexual energy could be there in the right way. And I think what you're speaking to is this disconnect from what authentically feels right for you. And that's sort of been taken away. So we have the media telling us, this is what a sexually free woman looks like. This is what a very good woman looks like. We have religion telling us what sex should be in terms of what we think God tells us it should be. So I think what it's really

calling for is this coming back to authentically, what do you feel is right for you? And that can be a little bit of a process deconstructing all the things that have been told to us, and all the identities we've taken on really to, you know, be safe and meet the needs of others. I think in the workforce, again, I don't come from the corporate world, but I work with a lot of women who do, and I have a lot of friends in that world. So I learn about it that way. I think intrinsically, the corporate world is male dominated and their view of things. So you're coming up against that. But what's so awesome about that is I think women really need to come together and start having these conversations and figure out ways because they are increasing in power that they can address the sexual piece in the workforce and figure out really what works for them and what feels authentic to them. Because it is still very much male dominated with even how they look at sexuality in the workforce.

And ultimately, my thing is, is if it works for you, great. If you're a more conservative person that's in a monogamous relationship and that's your jam, awesome. If you wanna go out and explore all these things outside of that paradigm, great. It's really connecting with what works for you and deconstructing any of the shame, the guilt, and the ideas of what it means

to be a woman. So, okay. That triggered a thought and a question. The thought was how we don't really have very many examples. I know that for sure for me professionally, I didn't know how to show up because the examples I had of other women professionally were almost exclusively married women. And when I was, I didn't get married till later in life. I wasn't ever sure I wanted to. And I didn't know how to navigate being a single and, you know, dealing with male's perception of my sexuality. And so I love this idea of we as women coming together and having these conversations and being authentic and hopefully, you know, maybe not, that's not the reason to do it, but hopefully being better examples for other women as they try to navigate it themselves. that have been instilled or socialized or given to us?

How do we connect to what's authentically true for us as it relates to our sexuality? Awesome question. And this is really the piece that is about embodiment because our mind has a lot of ideas, right? And it's great to do that self-reflection and there's deeper work that you can do around beliefs, which, you know, for many people on a wellness or self-help path, beliefs play a big part, you know, deconstructing what and looking at the beliefs that may be

subconscious. So that's powerful work, of course. But there's this other piece where we need to authentically connect to our body, our heart, our emotions, and listen, you know, essentially really listen and do that inner work that requires some space and time to kind of turn off the phones, turn off life for a minute and just connect somatically with how we're feeling. This is the feminine way, the world of the body. And I don't just mean women, I just mean feminine. I mean, men have a feminine side as well. Non-binary people have a feminine side as well, if you're going to characterize feminine as the body, right? So really listening to this incredible apparatus that we have called the body that is wired with so much information and wisdom and creating that time to drop in

and investigate and explore. And a lot of times we're not really making that time. We're just on autopilot. Go, go, go, go. Missing all this beautiful resource that's in the body, all of this amazingness. So to me, that's been my journey is when I connect back to the body, I find the real nuggets of wisdom and juice that are authentically mine that aren't coming from the outside. And it can be tricky to navigate that. And it just takes a little time to get clear. The power of listening over just thinking. So can you give us maybe some examples? Meditation popped into my head. I'm sure I have a, one of my best friends is very committed to this work. And she talks about the power of dance.

What are some examples of how we could become better listeners over thinkers? Yeah, absolutely. Dance is my favorite number one way to connect. I think rhythm and music transcends so much of our, our chattery mind. I mean, the mind is a really beautiful, powerful tool. I love using my mind, but there's the aspect of the mind that ruminates and chatters on and on about really nothing that pertains really to reality. Right? So when I talk about the mind, I don't mean, you know, the, the wonderful, amazing parts of the mind. So dance is a wonderful way. Yoga, the coaching that I do is somatically based. So we're very much finding where in the body, our thoughts, our beliefs, our emotions are really living. So connecting to that embodiment piece, absolutely meditation,

absolutely anything that involves, you know, if it's Zumba class for you or getting to the gym, I mean, you can notice before you start working out and after you start working out, your state of mind is completely different. And that's kind of something everyone relates to, right? Working out. I also really, really lean heavily on the breath and breath work because there is a scientific component to that where it does help you move into a deeper area of the mind and helps you drop out of the chattering, you know, judgmental mental box. So these are a few of the things I recommend. I also think relationships, connecting with people, being in nature, huge one, especially if you live in a city like I do, connecting with nature really helps you. And prayer, any kind of connection to a higher, whatever that is for you, a higher universal principle, whether you call that God, the universe, magic, connecting to that is also super helpful. Those are all great tips. I want to focus in on dancing, maybe because it excites me the most. When I think of dance, I think of,

in one part of my mind, choreographed, you know, have to keep on beat. There are certain moves looking good to somebody else. And I'm guessing that is not at all what you're talking about when you talk about dance. Give us a little bit of an example of how we might connect with ourself and our body through dance. What might that experience feel like? Yeah, I, I have been doing a practice called the five rhythms, which is, is, uh, probably there's a class in every city at this point in New York, it's kind of the hub. Um, it is the hub. Um,

and this is a practice that's really based on moving freely. So free form dance, where you're allowing your body to move however it wants to, that is kind of oversimplifying it. But when we connect with rhythm, my dance teacher used to say, rhythm is your mother tongue. And I love that phrase because when you really look at life, every rhythm is encoded in life. So the minute you begin to tap into that intuitive rhythmic place, which for me has been a free form dance style, because I love to explore and express through movement. You're also connecting with breath. You're also can, so you're going into kind of a trance state trance in a good words, uh, in a good meaning state and allowing your body's wisdom to, to take over and to really meet that part of you,

which also contains a lot of joy, a lot of celebration, and inherently a lot of sexual energy without it being about having sex or looking for that attention. Our bodies are, you know, a female body in motion is a beautiful thing. And we all have that ability to connect to that more sensual part of ourselves, just as our own innate power, regardless of, you know, other people, just in our own skin, we have that access to this very sensual, wise place. And I find dance to be one of the, especially free form dance, Zumba and these other more choreographed things can be awesome as well. I definitely have enjoyed belly dance and ballet and African dance, some of my favorites, but you, you know, whatever works for you and

connects you is, is the best kind of dance. I personally love free form dance. I'm sure I have a lot of opportunity in this space, but I found for me, the two that make me feel the way you're expressing is either dark room by myself, no possibility of interruption and just let it go. Right. So that's sort of free form or maybe this is odd, but with my daughter, we'll throw on music and we'll just dance around. And there is something childlike about it in the experience for me, but also just inspiring and motivating to watch her as a seven-year-old with none of those filters and none of those worries about good or on beat or anything, and just to like, have it be fun. What are the distinctions between sexuality and sensuality? I think we use the word

sexuality a lot, and maybe it means different things to different people. Can you just give us some insight into maybe what you mean or what might be the difference between sexuality and sensuality? Yeah, that's a great question. I look at sexuality as our sex, sexual energy in terms of arousal, in terms of our genitals, in terms of how we relate to the act of sex, how we relate to how we define our sexuality in terms of who we're attracted to, what forms of sexuality we enjoy and expressions. I mean, I think sexuality and sensuality are very deeply connected. Sensuality to me is more about the five senses, smell, all the smell, because you could be extremely, have an extremely sensual experience. It doesn't have to involve sexual

energy really at all, or any kind of, you know, interaction with another person or even genital, anything with genitals, you know, loving putting on your silk shirt and enjoying that feeling on your skin. That's a sensual experience. Inherently life is sensual because it's all connected to our five senses. And in, tantra, the tantric path, the five senses really are that gateway into a more, when I say divine, I don't necessarily mean like God, but just a more transcendent experience of connection with all of life. There is also brain science that when you begin to connect to your five senses, you move into a deeper part of the brain. So out of the neocortex, the chatty part,

and you begin to open up the more mystical, connected part of the brain that allows you to feel that deep reverence and connection, you know, those moments of beauty. So I look at sensuality as just inherently in life. Sexuality is more that raw life force, more of our biology, just how we're, we're, we're wired. So yeah, that's a great question. I'm actually going to flesh that out even more. No, that was a great explanation and a response that was, I mean, it was helpful for me. Okay. So this is a big question and we could probably talk for hours on this, but how does sexuality and intimacy, because I know you work with both women and men. Yeah. How does it differ between the two? What are the most obvious differences between the women and the

men that you work with as it relates to sexuality and intimacy? What I see just kind of generally is that men tend to go from, and again, this is not a blanket statement. There are many variations on this. So I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't want people to think this is always how it is, but generally speaking, men usually are moving more from their pelvis or their sexuality and not, and they kind of get a bad rap for that. You know, men are dogs and that all of that judgment around men and their sexuality, but really it's their, their primordial life force, right? Like they are wired to go out and procreate it's for the survival of the species. So we kind of have to understand that it's not just, you know, some weird, you know, we tend to shame them around that, but they generally do connect first with the pelvis, their penis, that raw

sexual force. And then they need that first before their heart can open, right? So sex is very, very important to men. Of course, it's very, very important to women, but it tends to be reverse in women. They need their heart open. They're coming from the emotional so that they can go into their pelvis. Right. So it's kind of like we're, we're reverse. So oftentimes I'm telling women, like, you have to understand we're just kind of wired differently. Like women, of course, because we are the ones that bear the children, we're thinking we need to, you know, just on a biological level, we're programmed in a more emotional way.

Not to say men don't have emotions. It's kind of a different orientation. You can also look at it from society. Men are much more oriented. They have to go out and, you know, as many women as they can get and their sexual veracity is a big part of their identity and all of that. For women, you know, it's this emotionality and what kind of mothers they are and how many women they can take care of just on like a societal level. So that's really the main thing that I see the differences. I think also we have completely different conditionings around our erotic natures

or anything around sexual arousal and what it means to be a good girl or a good boy. And that also comes into play. Yeah. And correct me if I'm wrong. I feel like for both men and women, there's been an extreme version that's been sort of highlighted. So like for men, it's that, you know, sort of in the realm of toxic masculinity, right? It's like, I have to conquer, I have to prove the more people I have sex with, the more of a man I am. And the less I connect with my emotions, the stronger I am and all the damage that is done on that side. And then for women, it's, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm not supposed to have desires sexually and, you know, what it is to be good versus bad and the gosh, all the, you know, words slut. I mean, I could go, you know, we all come with baggage and I, I think, and I don't

want to go into sexual abuse or sexual harassment in our time together, but I think for a lot of women, at least part of the damage that's been done for us connecting to our sexuality has been done by men, but also by women too. And that's been a big surprise for me as I shifted to working predominantly with women. I thought, oh gosh, I won't have to deal with this as much, but we as women judge each other just as much. And sometimes just as harshly or just, and obviously there's a different nuance, but any comments on that? What we as women do to other women as it relates to our sexuality? Yeah, this is a huge topic because the way I look at it is that the way the patriarchal system has worked is that it has wanted to undermine women really coming together. And again, I don't think this

is conscious. I don't think men are sitting in a back room trying to figure out how to tear women down. It's really from generations and generations of just this male dominance, right? That is now shifting a lot. And it's not to demonize men at all. I don't think that works at all. They are our brothers. We want them on our team. We're all in this together. So just want to say that. But I think the way the patriarchal system works is to disrupt women really coming together because that's when we're in our greatest power, you know, the sister circle, you know, back in the day, the women that were holding all of that female power would come

together in secret circle and so forth. And the patriarchy came in and basically broke it up. And then we moved into God is man and we're going to dominate now. So I think that there has been some damage to our understanding of what sisterhood is. And I don't think our mothers really had that either. I think there's also, we're still having this leftover competition. Because if you think about it just on a survival level, who you married was how good your life was going to be. I mean, this wasn't that long ago. I mean, even in my mother's generation, my grandmother's generation,

women were still very dependent on catching the man so they could survive so that they could live. They weren't really going to go out in the world and make it on their own. So there's still that like subconscious, you know, threat. Competitiveness. Competitiveness. And I think also the media, how much emphasis they put on how we look, how, you know, happy we are. We have the shiny Maybelline woman that we have to be all the time.

And I think we're all just exhausted from trying to keep up with that. And the minute a woman comes in that seems to have some of that, it's like, oh, geez, now I got to like, keep up with this. You know, it's like, we could all just be like, wow, we're all such unique, amazing, incredible flowers. We are stronger together with each woman winning than competing. And, and I think also creating the safe space when the comp, the competitiveness comes out and having it be okay that the triggers happen and having safe spaces to dialogue and work through some of that stuff, because it's going to come up. It comes up in all sorts of goddess support sister circles in the wellness world. So we need to make space also for the shadow sides that we're working

through from previous generations and begin to define our own sisterhood path, which is happening. It's definitely happening. Yeah. As you were speaking, I was tearing up. That's like, so my hope. And I wanted, I looked on my phone while you were talking because something that you said reminded me of this quote that I have on my phone, because I always want to keep this at the forefront of my mind and the work that I do, the enemy of feminism isn't men, it's patriarchy and patriarchy is not men. It is a system and women can support the system of patriarchy just as much as men can support the fight for gender equality. Our enemy is not men, it's the patriarchy.

So, and that's men's enemy. Yes. I often say, I feel like men suffer more from patriarchy sometimes more than women. Yeah. You know, because so many men are coming to me sharing what they're actually going through. And I have to say, I just, as a woman, I've been like, wow, I was not getting the full picture, you know, growing up, dating my father, my brother, you know, growing up dating my father, my brother, you know, the men in my circles. And when they start opening up, I'm like, wow, men are going through a lot that they just never share. So yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I think there's an opportunity

for all of us women and men to access more empathy. Absolutely. Okay. I can't believe how fast time is going by. I have one last question. How do we as women, how do we begin to feel more safe sexually in an over-sexualized world? Do you have any tips for us? Yeah, absolutely. And again, I really do feel, because what is safety? How do you feel safe? And safety, the way I've looked at, I mean, there is a logical component of your environment, the people you're around, et cetera. But safety, the way I've looked at safety from my own journey

is how my nervous system feels. Is my nervous system regulated? And that's going to look different for, for everybody, right? So how do you feel safe in an over-sexualized world? I think you have to define what safety really means for you. And on a biological level, I think it's how comfortable you literally feel in your skin because you can be in the middle of paradise and be having a panic attack, right? So finding that internal regulation system and knowing yourself, knowing what you need to feel safe and, and how you are, um, how you are going to conduct yourself when things come up in your environment that are triggering. And we're all going to have those moments of trigger. We need to learn a language with our own skin, our own body, our own emotions, our own heart that we can use and have a more, more access to in those moments of overwhelm.

Yeah. I'll rephrase a little bit. I feel like your definition of how we feel safe is similar to my definition of how we define woman's work. And that is, it's your choice, right? It's up to each of us as an individual to define what that means to me, what that means to you and to set aside, you know, the judgments and worries and all the stuff about how somebody else defines it. How I feel safe might be entirely different than how do you do or the next person does, but it isn't my job to worry about how anybody else feels safe besides myself. Now, of course, I want to make sure I don't ever do anything to make another person feel unsafe, but how I define that is to me. So I love that you framed it that way. Yeah, absolutely. And I think right now in our culture, we have such an outward focusing

culture. So focusing inward and really kind of looking in into ourselves without a an outward manifestation that we have to really learn how to give this to ourselves because the world doesn't really highlight that or value that it's all about outward appearances. It's all about what you have, the things you own, and that's all wonderful, but we have to balance it with really deeply going within and finding out what, what is authentic. We authentically feel in our bones to be true for us. Yeah. Couldn't agree more. So, um, if you're listening and you want to follow Aileen or learn a little bit more about her work, her website is aileenlyra.com. So A-Y-L-E-N-L-Y-R-A-D-O-U-C-E-T-T-E. Aylan, I know you are offering one-on-one packages for sacred sexual wellness coaching. Can you just tell us a little bit more about that for anybody listening who might want to reach out? Absolutely. Yes. I work with individuals one-on-one. I do feel that a longer

container is better for diving deeper into many of the things that we talked about, anything related to sex, love or relationships. And so I work in packages of three, six or nine months. Obviously you can do more. And really the focus, each package is catered to you. So we do a very deep intake and discover what your goals and your desires and what you really want to focus on. I believe each of us has a deep, wise healer within. And my job is to support you in discovering what is really going to work for you and for you to follow your own wisdom. Of course, I bring my wisdom. I bring all the different tools and different ways of working through that. But essentially, I look at my work as I'm holding the space for you to access your highest self, your highest potential, and to help you discover what that is. We work through embodiment coaching. So it's not just talking, it's really accessing the body. And we work through what I like to call home play. So I don't like to give homework.

It's about bringing more joy and pleasure. We have enough on our to-do list. It needs to be something that's giving you permission to really enjoy being with yourself and exploring who you are and what you want. And so each package is really designed where I apply all the different tools and that's focusing on your goals and what you want to get out of your sexual life or your relationships or your dating. Aylan, thank you for joining me to have what might be considered a taboo conversation by some, but in such a honest, authentic and caring way. So I appreciate you and our time together. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. It was a pleasure to have this conversation.

I could talk about this all day. No problem. I agree. This has been great. All right. Let's close out by saying there is no way we could cover in a 30-ish minute podcast all the ways society has messed with our heads about our own sexuality or our own sensuality. And if you've experienced sexual abuse or sexual harassment, as far too many of us have,

then we may not have even scratched the surface of what it would mean to feel safe. And if anything I said did anything other than support you, I ask for forgiveness. Overcoming, and I say overcoming because I know it's an ongoing and never-ending process and journey, any sort of sexual abuse makes you a warrior in my mind. You are the only decider of what feels good for your body. You are the only determiner of what you want or don't, what you want to do or don't want to do sexually with others and with yourself. I'd like to close with a passage from one of my favorite authors, Ruby Carr. Live loud and proud like you deserve and reject their bullshit definition of what a woman should look and behave like. This is woman's work.