This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 053 / YOUR Habits Define YOUR Success with Tricia Hamilton

Episode Date: April 21, 2021

I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’m overexposed to being told I must do things like wake up by 5am, work out every single day, start out each day with a strategic morning routine, work the longest hours, grind it out, and be hyper disciplined at all times and at all costs in order to be successful. I know these things can and do create success for people, but this one size fits all approach makes me want to vomit. I’ve invited Tricia Hamilton - Leadership Coach with a degree in psychology, to join us on this episode. Tricia helps us to unravel some misconceptions and rethink how mindset and habits connect, how they don’t, and how we can reform them to serve us and our goals. Mindset, goals, commitment and habits do matter. They are difference makers in creating success. However it is YOU that defines success and YOU are the decider of what you need to do to get there. Nobody has a lock on what it takes or even what success looks like for everyone. Go find and live your answer. This is Woman’s Work. To learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast, visit us at NicoleKalil.com

Coming up on this episode of This Is Woman's Work. Habits are a default and they developed over time based on experiences we had. And there was some amount of reinforcement that happened, either positive or negative, that created those habits. I am Nicole Kalil, and you're tuning into the This Is Woman's Work podcast, where together we're redefining what it looks like, what it feels like to be doing woman's work. And I don't know about you, but I feel like I'm overexposed to being told to do things like wake up the earliest, work out the hardest, work the longest hours, grind it out, do all the challenges, be hyper-disciplined at all times and at all costs. Now, I want to go on record and state that I know these things can and do work

for people. And there are inherent truths in all of these little nuggets that will work. But this one size fits all approach, the way it's delivered, where you end up feeling like if you don't do all of these things, you have no hopes of actually being successful. And it ultimately makes me want to vomit. I personally love to see the taking care of my mental and emotional health while creating life and raising humans and working full time until I need to make dinner while only hoping to get a decent night's sleep until I wake up with a child's foot in my face and have to make sure their teeth are brushed and ready to get an education while making sure they don't grow up to be serial killers before I make my coffee to get paid less for the same, if not better goddamn work challenge. Because that is the real challenge. You want to be mentally

tough, be a working mom during a pandemic and then challenge me. Jeez, sorry. Glad I got that off my chest. So obviously I have some frustration that I need to work out on my own. But what I do know and do agree with is that mindset goals, commitment and habits do matter. They are difference makers in creating success. However it is that you define success. My beef isn't with the concept of something like 75 hard. My beef is when women or when people feel that if they don't participate, that they are somehow lazy or uncommitted or that they won't achieve success.

That this is the answer versus one option that'll work for some people. I've asked Tricia Hamilton, leadership coach with a degree in psychology, with a mission of helping her clients step into the space where they can be exceptional to join me today. She describes herself as a mother, wife, lover of kindness, and an energy force in the universe who is vulnerable, happy, sad, wise, and unlearned. Now that resonates with me. Trisha, thank you so much for joining us today. I'm really excited about this conversation. Amen to everything you just

said, sister. Fantastic. Told you I was going to get a little heated on this one. And I'm glad I can do that with you. So I always, you know, want to make sure that I'm clear. The distinction of my, my problem is way things, some things are being framed, not with the thing themselves. And so I wanted you to help me and really help us to think through, unravel, separate ourselves from some of the misconceptions and sort of relearn or rethink our way through how mindset and habits connect, how they don't, how they're built, how we maybe reform habits, all of that fun stuff. So I want to start with that question. What can we learn from all of the books and the challenges? And where would you recommend that we also navigate through that on our own?

You know, it's interesting in, in theory, right. At a very high level, um, people know what mindset is and they know what being present is. And a lot of that is so ethereal that people don't even know how to apply it to their own lives. So, um, you know, it's an, it's such overused language right now. You know, be present, be in the moment, be where your feet are, be mindful. And what pissed me off about that work was I was like, okay, well, how do I apply that in my life, right? How do others apply it in their life? So I'm not sure that answered your question, except to say, I think most of us are in good company, not knowing where to begin. Right. And so what's great about these

books or these challenges or these ideas is they're examples of maybe how to take idea, concept and apply maybe. And I'd be curious if you feel even close to the same way I do that, there's a little bit of a problem in that that's the only way or that it's been watered down to certain things. So I have a little bit of a pet peeve right now with manifestation, manifesting things is a really big topic right now. And I feel like half the time when I see people talk about it, or I'm like, that's doesn't feel like that's what it is to me. It's not like, I don't know. You know, so it's, it's interesting. I mean, there's, there's so many ways to interpret mindset and habits. And we apply it to our life.

We apply it to business. My good Lord, working moms are getting it at all directions, professionally, personally. I think about being present. That is mindset, right? So in any given moment, we are in our own thoughts. There's the story we're telling ourself in the moment. There's attention, right? And attention is literally the capacity of the mind.

But most of us don't even, aren't even aware of where we're placing our attention. That's being present. And where habits come in, so I'll get a little heady on you for a minute, but like where habits come in is most often we're not directing our own attention. Our habits have put us on autopilot. And I would say, especially for women whose plates are so damn full, the autopilot is a way to get through the day. And it's really hard. And I acknowledge that I say that hard, like what was me, not what was me hard, but it's hard to stay present moment to moment. And so having a little grace around that is really important. The point of that, what I was just sharing with you is we do get to direct our own attention if we're mindful, maybe that wasn't the right word, but if we're mindful that our attention

is on autopilot until we decide it's not. Yeah. Okay. So there's so many good things in there. I want to dig a little deeper. When we are on autopilot or when we're in a habit, some of those things weren't created consciously, right? They're created from our childhood, our beliefs, our experiences. So I hear a little bit of what you're saying is in some aspects, or maybe in a lot of aspects of our life, we're sort of operating on default.

Absolutely. And some of those may be good. Like it's a default that I brush my teeth in the morning. That's probably not a habit I want to break for the benefit of everybody. But if we're not being present in the fact that we actually have a choice in the matter, we might be doing some things that don't serve us or that don't get us where we want to go or don't have a show up the way we want to be. Maybe an example here is, is I hate this, but it's become a default for me. I grab my phone first thing in the morning.

When I wake up, I grab it. And then all of a sudden I'm sort of sucked into social media. And if you asked my conscious self, do I want to be doing that? Do I think that's the most productive way to start the day? It'd be a clear no, yet I still do it. So let me just pause. What are you thinking as I say that? Habits are a default and they developed over time based on experiences we had, like you said before

with our childhood. And there was some amount of reinforcement that happened, either positive or negative that created those habits. And they served us at some point. I oftentimes will use the example, right, because this is all about women, right, in our conversation about the little girl who gets rewarded for being quiet in school. And when she speaks out, and this still happens today, there's that gender difference, it still exists. She's told when she goes home, if she's got the A on the test, that she's a good, she's a good person. You're a good girl, right? And we all mess up our kids. We don't realize what we should say is you should be so proud of yourself. You studied so hard, right? Instead, we define the person by the, by the

grade. Over time, this little girl starts to get rewarded for being quiet, being perfect, getting good grades. Well, in some way that served her in the environment she was in. At some point in life, it no longer serves. And it's that realization that it no longer serves, which is probably the hardest thing most people go through. And it's understanding that that habit no longer serves. Now you have the choice to make a different, a different choice, like you can choose to put your attention somewhere different. So, you know, with the phone scenario, Nicole, like I always think about, we're all wired to do that automatic pilot thing. So then you have to create an external environment that, that allows you to get a different body of proof. Like where do you put

the phone? So you don't flip it over first thing in the morning. Okay. So how do we begin to become conscious of which habits are serving or not serving us now? I mean, the example you gave, I was nodding my head the whole time, very much, you know, as an adult, perfectionist tendencies need to perform in order to be good, you know, that type of thing. So as adults, how do we, what are some tips for deciding? And then I'm going to get into, okay, but then how do we create a new habit? Yeah, normally it shows up as a frustration, as a, as people identify it as a block to get to this next level. They may not even realize that that it's a habit that, that they have that's preventing that. And, and a good exploratory conversation with a friend or a colleague or a consultant or, you know, whoever, right.

People start to say, well, that's just how I'm wired. Or, oh my God, I've been a perfectionist since I was a little kid. And through that, you can begin to figure out what is showing up? What is that autopilot? What is that subliminal thing? So you've got your conscious, you've got your, you know, your, your subliminal, and then there's this liminal level and that's where change occurs. Fantastic book called liminal thinking by Dave Gray. Great read. Just FYI. So once you can identify what that habit is, there's a process of self-observation. It's really, it's not, it's simple. It's not always easy. And I'd be happy to walk

the listeners through that if, if that helps. Yeah, I think that'd be great. I'm, I mean, I'm curious. So let's say you decide, okay, someone has that habit of, of not wanting to get that work out into the world because it doesn't feel perfect. Like you, I'll just use your example about perfectionism. Yep. We can use a very real example. I've been writing a book for so long and, and I, I have this thing that it needs to be perfect. And I, I constantly say this, I just said this an hour ago to somebody who helps on the publishing side, I was like, I have such a respect and admiration for books and for the people who write them that I want to, you know, get it to a certain point. Like, so there's that perfectionism kicking in and this standard that I'm holding myself to that's probably totally unreasonable and it's preventing me from, from doing what it is that I say I want

to do. All right. Amen. So, uh, so self-observation, uh, I would say over about a two week period at the end of each day, if you got out a little journal, you parked the, the, uh, the criticizing part of our brain, right? And you acted out of just a little grace and just jotted down where you felt like that showed up for you, right? Where was I being a perfectionist? Where did I, you know, it starts with noticing without judgment where that happened during the day. Can I just pause for a second? I feel like that's very hard for me. And I have heard it from enough women that I imagine this is true for a lot of people listening, noticing without judging.

Like, again, that goes, it's simple, but it ain't easy, right? I mean, it's like we're so wired to have, and it's usually negative judgments, right? So I just wanted to reemphasize that noticing without judging, because it's a hard one. It's very hard to do. And, you know, we're wired for negativity bias. And so I even work with a lot of clients where if they can't recognize that, that inner critic, and they're doing that self-observation, I'll make them start with writing down three things

they were grateful for that day or three things that went well. And what did they own in that thing that went well? Like not just saying, oh, I was just lucky. Or like, what did you own in that positive thing, right? So self-observation. So over that two-week period, you're still journaling every night. And it doesn't have to be like, you know, you put three kids to bed. You're like, oh, shit, now I got to go journal. And then there's no perfect journaling, right? Like sometimes I just, I'm not getting graded on this.

So, right? Like bullet pointsed on this. So right. Like bullet points and messy writing. Bullet points. It is messy. And there's always plan B that you can't find the journal. Great. Think through it. There's always need to play a plan B that stills allow, allows you to think through

the work, not be critical. Over time, what starts to happen through self observation is you start to notice the thing sooner. Maybe two hours after you were like, oh, this thing isn't good enough. And you walk away from it. You go, oh, I did it again. And you bring the, you know, you park the internal critic and you think about it. That night you journal about it. As you get through time, you get closer and closer to the moment when that thing happens. There's always a somatic response or something that happens in the body that is a trigger. That happens, so there's five elements to a habit.

Amazing human being, Doug Silsby passed away a year and a half ago. He just does a ton of work and did a huge body of work in presence-based coaching. And he talks about the five elements of a habit. And it always starts with a little trigger in the body. You probably, if you were to self-observe that perfection habit, Nicole, you could, you'll get to the point where you go, oh, there's that little flutter in my heart. Oh, my palm just started to sweat. And there's, it's rapid fire. And then you make the decision to put the book away. Yeah. It's a feeling in my stomach for me. There you go. And the change happens when you can get to the point.

This sounds heady, but it's not. That you get to the point where it's right before that feeling in your stomach. Okay. Yeah. And then you go, okay, I have choice. What else could I do here? Gotcha. So what are the five elements of a habit? Do you mind digging into that a little deeper? Five elements of a habit. There's the trigger. So that's something that happens around us that we sense and that evokes

a response. That first response is somatic, right? That's's that's how our body automatically responds to that sensory input that trigger uh it's a biological response and uh uh we observe it as a sensation either energy or tightness or warmth it doesn't have to be negative it could also be positive uh that immediately goes to an emotional response. It's that feeling that arises that's based on deep history, like we into a mental response. And this is the stage that really puts context or adds meaning and the rationale that we have around it, right? So this is observable as language, right? So it's an interpretation. It's a justification. The book's not good enough. It's not ready. The mental response, so that third trigger, somatic, emotional, mental. It's the highest order response in that pattern.

And it generally follows the emotion, the somatic and the emotional. But this whole entire constellation happens within about a second. And then right. So then the fifth piece is the resulting behavior. And that's sort of the decision that we make. It's the act, it's the speech, it's the movement, and all that, that body of work that I just shared, those five elements are, are all Doug Silsby's work. So I would never take credit for that. I just have been a student of it and I think it's brilliant and it's useful for people to understand. Yeah. It's fascinating too, because like you said, those four responses happening in a matter

of a second, if that's the case, then it really is ingrained. It really is a default. It really is sort of at this point, and I'm putting in air quotes, hardwired. I do have a pet peeve when people say, oh, that's just the way I am, as if we can't rewire ourselves. But to the point is, we're not thinking about this. It's just happening. Exactly. When we say habit, we might be using the same word but mean many different things. Can you define what you mean when we're talking about habits? What is a habit?

And maybe what is not a habit? Or are people using that word when they mean something else? Yeah. So a habit, so this, I'll give you the textbook definition. It is a conditioned pattern of behavior and it is our default response to life's complexity. Okay. That's a habit. That the things we do on autopilot, you said it in the beginning of our call, you know, they're learned and they mostly were developed earlier in our life. They served us well.

They may still serve us or they could be limiting us from growing or getting to the next level. But in a nutshell, I feel like habit is just a conditioned pattern of behavior, brushing your teeth. So how important do you feel habit is in creating success? And again, I want to be clear that success has a variety of different definitions for different people. But I feel like there's

almost over obsession right now about habits being necessary for success. And I don't disbelieve that, but I think, you know, at least in my path, my quest for success, there are things that I've needed to do at certain times that I didn't necessarily need to make a habit indefinitely. And then there are things that have been habits that have served me well and things that have been habits that haven't served me well. And then there's things that people say should be a habit that I haven't needed to make a habit.

And like, there's like so many variations of it, but I guess just based on your experience in leadership coaching and in this topic, how important or not important, or maybe a better question is where does habit building align with success or leadership? That's such a great question, Nicole. And so to your point, how do we define success? A, I think that's really important to understand, like, what do you mean by success, right? Is that a success in relationship? Is that success in your bank account? Is that success in, there's a lot to tease apart there. But I will answer this part of it that I think is really clear. There are that are habits that are autopilot. They're the things that we just do,

and we don't even know we're doing them. And then there's the, oh, I need to get, I need to build this habit over here to take me to the next step professionally, right? And that could be a short-term almost to do as opposed to the other habit is just a default. I don't want to say doing versus being because that's a whole different, that's more around attention. And so there could be short-term focus that you have in order to help you break through to get to the next level or all right I know I need to do like 75 hard I'm going to do this for 75 days that's not a habit that's something you're doing and you're following what you have an external environment that you're following to help you get to another place now maybe that develops into some habit that you form over time. But I think there's a

distinction between the two things. Yeah. Those sort of ingrained habits that we're not even aware of versus, oh, crap, I got to focus on this. Yeah. For the next year. Right. To get me to this next place. Did that answer your question? Or were you asking something different? No, it did. And it actually kind of helped me sort of, this is something that I am, you know, still going through in my brain, I'm really trying to figure out what it is that really bothers me about some of this stuff, and what it is that's good about it. And obviously, I need to be the decider of that for myself and everybody else needs to do this. But I think it's a little bit

this frame that I see a lot in business building tips or how to be successful. And from my perspective, a lot from a masculine place of this is what works in developing uber successful athletes. And then I'm just going to do take that and apply it to being an uber successful business owner, uber successful fill in the blank. And it's like, well, I can understand why an athlete would need to do 75 hard or would need to do the very basics of, um, you know, if I'm a basketball player working on my, my drills and dribbling, you know, again, I'm not a basketball player, so I don't know, but, um, I can understand that they would have specific habits and specific ways of building the habits that would be instrumental and,

and required for them to have success. I just, I guess my rub is when it gets like shoved on to everybody else as if it's the difference maker, as opposed to, Hey, here's an, here's an idea. Yeah. They are just all ideas, right? I mean, and there's, there's something about, you know, having a division one athlete daughter and watching her level of commitment to developing the habits that she needed to be successful at Like what it took for her to do that is very different than her teammates sitting next to her. Because we all have to come to it from a different place. We know that, okay, she's got to be up and, you know,

doing three workouts a day. And those are the things she has to do. What's going on internally in her might be different than what's going on internally to the person sitting next to her. So to your point, I think you can grab nuggets from all these great books, all these great experts out there, but how you apply it to your own world is different. You know, I'll give a shout out. I just did a program. I think it's Healthy Minds Institute. It's out of the University of Wisconsin, but amazing program. And what I thought was the most fascinating piece about the work is attention, a capacity that we have. And we usually don't realize what we're paying

attention to because it's just based on those defaults you, if you take it and you apply it to your example about an athlete, that person, that girl needs to be aware of where her intention is. And it needs to align with where she wants to go or the result that she wants to get, or what's important to her, what success looks like in that environment. But back to, it's not a one size fits all just because that might work for her to get to where she wants to go. There is a nugget in there that I can learn

that other people can learn and being exposed to all these nuggets is a great thing. But the problem is when we try to make the nugget the truth as if it's universal. Bingo, Nicole. Bingo. And I truly believe in my heart of hearts that let me speak to the work that I try and do with my clients. And it is simply, I don't have a formula. I don't have a proven method. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. These six steps and you'll conquer the world. Exactly. It's a deep dive with every human that we interact with and getting to know them and figuring out what is that individual need. And that's how you affect change and you move forward and you address habits that are no

longer working. So I'm right there with you. I do believe you pull from all different great sources and experts and thought leaders and everything I talk about is stolen. I'm just not that smart, you know? Same. Yeah. I mean, everything's unique.

Nothing's original or something like that, right? It's like, here's my spin on that. But, you know, I didn't birth the concept of confidence as an example. Oh, my gosh. You know what, Trisha, my favorite thing about our time together today has just been thinking out loud and sort of navigating. I think sometimes when I record podcasts, I feel pressure to like have an answer or demonstrate an expertise. And I am grateful to you for allowing sort of a safe space for

me to get through some of the emotions and the thoughts and the beliefs and the maybe habits that I might have or not have that are just kind of work in progress. Tricia, thank you so much for this conversation. I, I, I personally enjoyed it and I hope people enjoy listening in. Um, if our listeners want to connect with Trisha, LinkedIn is probably the best place. So Trisha Hamilton, um, or you can check out her website, I O coaching consulting.com. So I O as an inside out coaching consulting.com. Trisha, thank you so much. Thank you, Nicole.

My pleasure. All right. I hope you are all getting my message. I've never been accused of being quiet or withholding my opinions, but the ways we've been told we should or shouldn't be as women in business or at work, in relationships, and even as parents should only be listened to if they resonate with your authentic self, if they feel right to you. What habits will serve you? What habits do you want to end and replace with something maybe healthier or more productive? Nobody has a lock on what it takes or even what success

looks like for everyone. I'm not trying to tell you what woman's work looks like, how to do it, or what it means. I'm telling you that you get to decide for you and that your answer lies inside of you if you set aside all the shoulds and the shouldn'ts. Go find and live your answer. That is woman's work.