This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 085 / Cycle Syncing with Stefanie Adler

Episode Date: April 6, 2022

I’m excited to share that we are doing something that we very rarely do on the podcast. We are having a repeat guest! Because we got so many questions about what Stefani Adler calls our feminine flow, I’ve invited her back to dig deeper, and share more insights and examples of cycle syncing and what it means to make lifestyle choices according to the phases of our cycle. If you haven’t yet listened to episode 74, I’d encourage you to do that because we’re going to jump right in. It’s time to reclaim and reconnect with our cycle. No more shame, embarrassment or disgust. Let’s awaken to the power that’s inherently ours. It isn’t anyone's job, but a woman’s, to decide what we believe about our own bodies. That can only be Woman’s Work. To learn more about Stefanie and her work, visit her website at stefanieadler.com, or on IG @stefanieadlerwellness To learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast, visit us at NicoleKalil.com

Coming up on this episode of This Is Woman's Work. It's powerful stuff when we get women awakening to what is inherently ours and this power underneath us. I am Nicole Kalil and I'm excited to share that we're going to do something I almost never do on the This Is Woman's Work podcast. We're having a repeat guest. Before I share who it is, I want to share why I invited her back. I'm a big fan of all of my guests and always feel like I have more questions to ask and could go on easily for at least another hour. I'm always impressed by their knowledge, expertise, and passion. I always learn something and walk away from the conversation with a nugget I can use in my life. I hope you feel the same too,

by the way. But it's not that often where a guest shares information that I've never even really heard of before or where I'm left feeling like we barely scratched the surface of something life-changing, and that it sends me into research mode where I'm ordering books, signing up for apps, and talking about it for months. And I know many of you felt the same because I got emails, texts, and social media messages from so many people, even from people I had no idea that actually listened to the podcast. And they were saying things like, how have I never heard of this before? Or I wish somebody would have told me this years ago, or I'm telling all my friends, sisters, nieces about this. And because we all have so many more questions about what Stephanie Adler calls our feminine flow, I've invited her back

to dig deeper and share more insights and examples of cycle syncing and what it means to make lifestyle choices according to the phases of our menstrual cycle. If you haven't yet listened to episode 74, I'd encourage you to do that because we're going to jump right in today. On our last episode, you shared what cycle syncing is, and we talked about how we as women have become so disconnected from our cycle. But before we move into some of my other questions, can you just remind us about the four phases and why cycle syncing even matters? Yeah, absolutely. And just one, thank you for having me back to just even, you know, listening to that intro made me like a little bit emotional because it's, yeah, it's powerful stuff when we get women awakening to what is inherently ours? What is this thing that everyone is like, why have I heard about this? Or, oh my God, I'm so lit up about it because it feels like coming home.

And so what cycle syncing is, it is the practice of having a deep understanding of our biological rhythm, which differs from a male hormone cycle, which more closely mimics the circadian rhythm, right? Testosterone is high first thing in the morning. So is cortisol. This is the way we run our lives. It's the way we run work, corporate world, et cetera. It is learning how our systems differ on an infradian rhythm, and then being able to sync up or cycle and form, as I also like to call it, different aspects of our lives based on what our strengths and what are not our strengths are at any given time of the month. So there are

four different phases when we're speaking about it from an energetic perspective of the female hormonal biological cycle that are your menstrual phase, which is from the time that you're bleeding. That's the most obvious one that most people are familiar with. Then we have your follicular phase, your ovulation phase, and your luteal phase. And we're going to dive deeper into each of these as we, you know, talk about some getting more specific about how do we start matching up our life to it. But yeah, it's, it's learning how to live your life in a monthly rhythm.

Okay. So logistically day one of our bleed starts our menstrual phase. Is it an even seven days for each of the following four phases, assuming we're on a 28 day cycle? Such a good question. No. Um, but like no, and I'm always a fan of the and instead of the but, but no, and sometimes when we're introducing cycle syncing as a practice to people to make it easier, right? For people to just be able to be like week one, week two, week three, week four, we can break it down that way. However, as you become more nuanced and like start to feel into your body more and start to track your cycle better, or if you have an irregular cycle, you know, there are different timelines associated

with each phase. If you were to do it appropriately based on your, your cycle and where you're at in your cycle, your menstrual phase looks different for every person. It might be anywhere from three to seven days. Um, your follicular phase is typically seven to 10 days. Your ovulation phase is around four to six, depending on the person and your luteal phase is typically 10 to 14. So, um, it does get a little bit more nuanced the more you get into it, but if you're just starting off totally invited to week one, week two, week three, week four. Thank you for saying that. Cause if you're anything like me, where this is newer information and I always say, you know, I'm not the most self-aware in my body, I think because I've always been so focused on doing and go, go, go. It's sort of a new practice

for me to pay attention to what's going on in my body and how I'm feeling and all of that. So I'm just going to repeat what I heard you say, which is if you're listening and you're like me, the seven day is not bad. It's a good place to start. And then as you do that, you might become more aware of when you're transitioned to the phases, different phases are happening. Totally. Like, and if your period lasts four days and your energy is high, but you're still, you know, acting like you're in your menstrual phase, like invitation to start bringing in week two practices, like this isn't in a beautiful way, rocket science, right. And it's

very specific per person. And we're inviting you to get in touch with how it feels. And so if at any point, something doesn't feel right with how you're supposed to be acting in this phase, the activities you're supposed to be engaging with, invitation to one look and see like, are my hormones balanced? And is that why this doesn't feel good? Because something's out of alignment in my body or am I maybe ready to move on to the next phase? So my kind of idea for our time together today was to talk about different things that impact women or that might be on our minds or that we might be living through day to day and really to, you know, talk about how being cycle informed might impact our

decision or timing around those things. Before I jump into that, can you give us just a couple examples of what we might be noticing in each of the four phases that might give us some insight into where we're at? Absolutely. So I feel like obviously the most easy to recognize one is our menstrual phase, right? Because we're bleeding out of our vaginas and most of us have gotten pretty accustomed to recognizing what that looks like. So that one's relatively self-explanatory. But as we're moving into our follicular phase, again, it's also relatively easy to know when you're in it because you're just fresh out of your period. And so it's like the first thing, but one thing that you might notice is like a fog

being lifted or a lot of clarity. Something you might notice is like a really, your energy starting to rise. Um, as the phase continues on, you also might start to notice that your cervical mucus is starting to show up a little bit. It might look kind of creamy or, uh, like milky, like lotiony, um, as you get closer to ovulation, when you're in your ovulation phase, you might notice that your libido is picking up a little bit. Um, you might notice that you have a lot more energy. You might notice that you feel more sociable that you might notice that you feel very articulate. Like maybe you just like, Oh,

I crushed that presentation or like, yeah, I was just so on point. Like you're feeling just like, yeah, feeling myself kind of, um, energy and cervical mucus is typically starting to look like egg whites and like the whites of an egg. If you were to crack it open, if anyone has like really not a lot of experience of like what this looks like, you can also, um, go online and look up a recipe for flax gel and make it and like start to see what that actually looks and feels like on your fingers. Um, and that's a really good way to know if you're in your ovulation phase. And then when you move into your luteal phase, some things that you might start feeling

are a little bit less of a desire to be very public facing, you know, more of a desire to nest, to be around people who are very close to you. Your energy might start to come down in the beginning of this phase and towards the end of this phase, it's really going to start to decrease. You, your cervical mucus is typically dry. You might not feel as sexually inclined and more likely to want to just cuddle and connect in that way. And you also are feeling a lot more reflective and organized, right? So like, this is like, if you have ever had the experience where like your room and your closet is just a disaster for two weeks, then you look at it one day and you're like, okay, enough. I can't deal with this anymore. That's probably your luteal brain turning on.

Interesting. Okay. So let's talk about some of these examples. I want to start with relationships and let's start at like the beginning. If you were, you know, going on a first date or wanting to meet somebody or put yourself out there, how would being cycle informed impact any of that? Yeah. So first things first, I think the best thing to do is like get clear on who, who do you desire, right? Like what kind of person are you seeking? What kind of relationship are you looking for? What kind of love is going to be most nourishing for you? And so you would actually really want to get clear on those intentions during your menstrual phase, the right and left side of your brain have more connectivity to each other, which equals a deeper sense of intuition. And if things are

balanced hormonally, you actually experience like a feeling of stillness while also, if things are not in balance in your life, you might experience dissatisfaction. So it's a really great time to just check in and be like, what do I want out of my love life? Um, and, and start to create a plan, the beginnings of a plan of like, how am I going to meet this person? Um, and then when you move into your follicular phase, like this is the time to get on the apps, reach out to friends and be like, Hey, this is who I'm looking for. Who can you set me up with? And then really in that ovulation phase is when you should try and plan like first or third dates, right? There's actually physical changes that happen in our body that make us more

attractive to both the opposite sex and the same sex. Again, it's just a biological response. Like we're more fertile at that time. And so there's a little bit more of a pink in your cheek. You're also like exuding pheromones that the other sex finds very attractive. So that's a really great time to go on a date. You're also going to be most confident, really sociable, really articulate, and you're going to be able to strut your stuff. And then in your luteal phase, you really have an opportunity to like reflect back on, maybe you've gone out with this person, you know, once a week for the past week and a half, I know maybe you've gone out with them twice the past week and a half, you have an opportunity to really reflect and be like, okay, like, how did that make me feel? Really get that like rational brain on and see if it

makes sense to continue seeing them moving forward. I think I've said this 4,000 times already, but Stephanie, where were you in my twenties? Okay. So what about love? Um, so, you know, if you're in a relationship, long-term relationship, married, whatever the case may be, how might cycle syncing impact our relationships? Yeah, absolutely. You know, this to me is one of my greatest gifts to myself when it comes to cycle thinking. It's like the most fun thing when my partner is like recognizing where I'm at in my cycle and understands how to approach our relationship. And so I think when it comes to love, one of the biggest things is like bringing your

partner in on this, right? And like letting them see you and understand you so that there's just so much more harmony in the relationship overall, because we all have the same expectations for what everyone's available for. This can manifest in different ways. For example, in your follicular phase, you're like much more excited by novel experiences. So this is like really a good time to mix things up, especially if you've been with someone for a decade, right. Or, you know, even a few years and things are starting

to feel maybe a little bit stagnant. Maybe you're just coming out of COVID and everyone's just been watching TV every single night. And it's like time to mix things up. You're really going to be open to new experiences. So like go take a pottery class together or try something new in the bedroom. Like this is the time to really have those novel experiences because you're going to produce more oxytocin and you guys are going to bond more as a couple during this part of your phase. Whereas if we were to fast forward two weeks later and your, you know, significant other surprises you with like a hot air balloon ride, you're like, I don't really know if I want to do that because cortisol is hyped up. You're more likely to be

anxious. You doubt yourself more and you're You're more likely to be anxious. You doubt yourself more and you're just like less likely to be in that space. Whereas that would be a really good time to sit down and do the like adulting part of a long-term relationship. Maybe that's like looking at our finances. Maybe that's planning out, like, do we want kids when having those harder conversations where your, your analytical and rational brain is more primed to have that conversation. Oh my gosh, such good examples. And I feel like every partner is going to be all about the follicular phase, right? And ovulation. And I'm horny. Okay. Love it. Um, anything specific to communication as it relates to cycle syncing, whether it be with a romantic

partner or just the people in our life, our sisters, our parents, friends, anything on that side of relationships that we should be mindful of? Absolutely. So when you're in your menstrual phase, like I mentioned that right and left side of your brain are really connecting to each other more, which does equal a really awesome intuitive download, but it's actually like the best way to channel what's happening internally. Um, so correspondence, like whether that's with work, like trying to avoid, you know, scheduling big conference calls around that time. Like, can we do this over Slack? Right. Um, and can be a really great way to improve communication around that time in your follicular phase, you start to communicate more clearly. And, you know, I kind of like to say that it's like a little bit,

anything goes when you're in your follicular phase. It's not really like neither here nor there, but in your ovulation phase, it's like when you're really most articulate and you're also able to multitask a lot better. So this is a really great time for you to be having conversation. You know, this is like when you're having a conversation with your mom and your kid is on your leg and you're also making dinner, like you're able to be more present for that conversation when you're in your ovulation phase. Whereas a week and a half prior, you would have, should have probably been like, Hey mom, let me call you later. Cause I can't focus on you right now. Whereas in our luteal phase, you know, I think it's more about whoever we're having a

conversation with avoiding conversations where, where we might be in a vulnerable situation because we're much more likely to feel tender. And, you know, for example, like in like a work review, like having a conversation with your boss where you're going over like this huge project, like, can we push it a week? Right. Or having a conversation with your partner or like maybe even going to like couples therapy, right. Where like, that might be a more vulnerable situation where you're more likely to feel tender and take things a little bit more personally. So just being mindful about that, whether or not you can avoid it can help you really boost up your communication skills. All great examples. Okay. So let's shift over to parenting. I know not everybody listening is a mom or desires to

be a mom. But for those of us who are, or thinking about becoming, how does cycle syncing impact how we show up, how we engage maybe even our patients level with our tiny humans? Absolutely. And as what we'll start to see, and like for anyone who's listening to this is like, this is awesome, but this is a lot. You're going to start to see a lot of themes here, right? Like similar themes that came up when we were talking about romantic love is going to come up when we're talking about child love, right? Because right around our follicular phase is when we're down for novel experiences. So this is like the time for you to plan out, like, what's the family calendar for the rest of the month look like you know going on a fun trip to go apple picking you know doing a new activity as a family your curiosity is a little bit turned on during your follicular phase which is why you seek those novel experiences so like get curious about your kids you know like spend more time asking them questions spend more time getting to know them maybe you're planning meals or making new recipes, figuring out what your kids want and need from you. And just like getting curious and having fun with it. While you were saying that it feels like a good, like play phase

as a mom, I don't always love the playing part and the make believe and pretend. But as you were speaking, I was like, okay, maybe that's the time where I might be more interested in open and engaged with that. Am I off base, on base? You're in between base. Like, yes. And, you know, I think one other thing that this phase does really well, it's like a planning, like brainstorming focus phase. And so yes, like you might enjoy that play, especially if there's like curiosity brought around it and like, it's a new experience, but if it's like the same tea party that your daughter has like every other day with you, you might be less excited about it.

Whereas in the coming phase, it is a little bit more playful, your ovulation phase. You want to be more social. You want to be a little bit more silly. This is like a really great time to go on play dates or have family events. And so you might just feel a little bit more easy to like drop into it, but it's not wrong because as your energy and curiosity is increasing. Absolutely. That's phenomenal distinction. Thank you. Okay. What else? Um, yeah. And so then like in our luteal phase is when we start to kind of have that more domestic, like nasty focus. And so this can be like a really great time to bring your kids in for chores. Right. And like, Hey, let's clean out the pantry today. And like, you know, have

your kids help you with the label makers and just like really getting your kids to one, I think like witness you as a parent, like taking care of the home and being a part of that. And like, what does that mean? Um, while also sometimes our luteal phase is like a really good time to like sit down and like get work done because we're feeling like organized and we want to just like get everything in order. And so I think getting your kids in that with you can be like a really fun way to, to parent. And then as you move into your bleed, it's really about like asking if you are parenting with a partner, you know, asking for help. If you are not parenting with a partner, like who are friends,

family members, or, you know, paid help that you can rely on to give you more solo time because menstruation is really about individual, like individualization, like kind of like separating and taking space for yourself by doing that, you're going to show up as a better parent the rest of the month. And so like alone time, and also like, what does that teach your children around alone time? Right? Like it's okay for mommy to take time to go have some self-care. Something I'm really big on these days, and I've been trying to figure out a way to write it, like a piece that doesn't come off as like an attack on anyone, you know, that I've worked with, but is the idea of like motherhood, not martyrdom. And I see so many women just really, I think,

teaching their daughters, especially that like, once you have kids that, you know, you just got to give it all to your kids. And I think that this is really an opportunity to set some rituals around, like, this is self-care time for mommy. And also you have that really intuitive download time. And so like evaluate, like, what are your family's needs? Like, what does your family need from you this coming month? And I think it really takes being able to tune out everyone to be able to tune in to what they need.

So Steph, you are preaching to the choir. This is a kind of a becoming more and more as I work with more women, like a passion of mine, this idea that we as women, you know, this thing that we say, like our children are our whole world. And I'm like, no, A, they're not. And B, how is that a good message for them to hear? If we want our children, girls or boys to have healthy boundaries in adulthood, we can't just tell them we have to demonstrate it. We've got to have them experience it. I mean, I'm not by any means a parenting expert, but this is a big concern to me, just generally speaking. Okay.

I want to get into self-care, but before I do, there are a couple of things that you said that just triggered the question in my mind. For those of us who have girls who are teenagers or, you know, I'm a few years away from it, but our daughters are starting their menstrual cycle. How can we teach them differently than how we've been taught? So obviously being informed ourselves will help us, but I feel like there's still so much shame and embarrassment. I mean, even when you were talking about cervical mucus, I had this thought, like I had to connect with myself, like, why am I feeling this? And I'm sure some people listening are like, Ooh, like we don't talk about that. How do we create a different experience for our

daughters? Ooh, the million dollar question, Nicole. Yes. Um, I mean, I think first we celebrate them. We celebrate them menstruating. You know, I, it's, uh, I don't know where this tradition comes from, but I remember when I told my mom, I got my period, she slapped me. It's like a weird, uh, I don't know where it comes from, but she was like, my mom did it to me and her mom did it to her and like, congrats, you're a woman. Here you go. And like, I mean, it didn't hurt, but I think that it's like a really rough way to be like brought into womanhood. Whereas like, what would it look like if we threw a party when our daughter got her period and like, we let her invite her friends, we invited our friends and we did a women's circle. And then we celebrated stories

of like coming into womanhood. What if it, you know, we really change the narrative of like, this is something you get to be proud of. This is something that becomes your power and start by teaching them this. And obviously when you're 12 years old or 11 or however old you are, when you start menstruating, not all of this is going to apply the same way, but like giving a young woman like one thing every month. And it's like, Hey, this is your superpower, babe. So like, if you like, let me help you with this and just like teaching them along the way, I've had the privilege of working with a few teenagers over the past couple of years. And like, Oh my God, it is the most powerful thing. I like cry every

single call because I'm just like, you're not going to cry when you're 30 and like, what a gift. Um, and so I really, really think that it starts at home because like until, I mean, I'm actually, if anyone listening to this, like knows someone who can help me get programs like this in schools, I've been working on it a little bit on the back end or working with teens, like in a more one-to-many capacity. Because I think for now, that's like the best tool we have is mamas and her friends and like really creating a sacred circle around it. Yeah. So all of my mama friends listening, I'm going to be calling you in a few years and Steph, I will be hiring you in a few years to help me celebrate this with JJ, because that is, I didn't have, like, I didn't get the slap across the face, at least not from my mom,

but it was very aware in my, like my dad wasn't involved at all. Like he, he didn't, he wasn't part of the conversation and it, it was more societal and with friends and at school where I was like, this is weird and gross and embarrassing. And it's like more and more learning that it shouldn't and doesn't have to be that way. Yeah. I want to add one quick thing here. And like some of it is a little bit woo, but it doesn't all have to be.

One thing that I found to be really effective for helping people go from a place of shame to a place of empowerment around their cycle is developing a ritual. And like, this is something that could be really beautiful to do with a young, you know, a young girl who's beginning menstruation. Cause you could do it together. And, you know, some of these rituals, like some people water their plants with their period, uh, blood. And like, that's a really way of like giving it back to the earth and like letting that nourish something else because we send most of our minerals and like most of our nutrients to our menstrual blood every month, um, to our uterine lining, which then becomes our menstrual blood. Um, but it also could just be like when your daughter gets her period, like that's a time that like mommy and me get to go out on a, on a girl's date, you know, like

making something that feels sacred, making something that feels special to go out on a, on a girl's date, you know, like making something that feels sacred, making something that feels special to mark this as a, as a special time, um, can be a really great way to help young girls and young women. One start to learn that self-care and taking time for themselves is of most importance and also to let them celebrate the coming of their period every month. Yeah. And, and what is coming up for me is, uh, we all have our experiences with our mother is good, bad, or indifferent. But one of the things, um, I've read that really resonates with me as an adulthood, we then have the opportunity to mother ourselves in whatever way we need or was missing or we didn't get. And so if you're listening and you don't have kids and you're not thinking, I would encourage

everything that Stephanie just said, how do we apply that to ourselves as well? So that leads me right into self-care. And I don't mean like getting your nails done and your makeup did, if that makes you feel good, go for it. But I'm talking about more like, how do we use cycle syncing as a way to be mindful of what our needs are and how we fill them? The thing with cycle syncing too, and this is the question I get all the time. It's like, well, what about the things I can't control? Right? Like, what about when I have to go on this trip and I, it's the wrong time on my cycle, or I have to have, you know, I'm not going to turn down a speaking gig because I'm bleeding, you know, even cause like, this is awesome. And it's like, great. Well, that awareness then just

helps you realize what your strengths are and are not in this given situation and helps you compensate for it. And like, the more we start to understand that we actually end up with so much more compassion and grace for ourselves, which leads to us caring for ourselves even more. Yeah. Well, I think the informed part of it is so important. I do have a speaking engagement coming up in a few days and I most likely will be in my menstrual cycle. And for a while, you know, I wouldn't have known, well, you know, I might be a little

bit more internal. This might be a little bit more internal. This might be more of where I focus on me time. So like just being mindful that I'm going to need to turn my energy up a little bit of a notch that I am going to be in an environment where I'm expected to be social and meet new people. So how will I prepare myself? How will I set myself up to win in that environment where it might not come as naturally as it would in another phase? Absolutely. And like, also to recognize that you will find that experience more draining than you

would two weeks, three weeks prior. And so like, how do you compensate for that? Right. Like, do you schedule like a later flight the next day? And so that you can like have a really slow morning at the hotel and like not be on the go, go, go right after, because you're already going to be feeling more drained. It's like, like you said, the knowledge that allows you then to make the situation better for you. Yeah. Okay. I still feel like we could go on for hours, but I just want to thank you again.

And on a personal note, our conversations offline individually have made such a huge difference in my life. I told one of my best friends, this is the first new year I've ever entered where I feel good in my own skin, like in my own body. Because there's usually like that, like new year's resolution, I'm going to work out more, like thinking back on the year, what you didn't do and what you weigh and all, or at least that's what a lot of times what the experience has been for me. And this is the first year I've ever entered where that was just not a thing. So thank you. If you're listening and you

want to check out Stephanie and learn more about her work, you can go to our website, stephanieadler.com or follow her on Instagram. It's Stephanie Adler wellness. And we'll put both of those in the show notes. But what you need to know is that Stephanie with an F not a pH. And other than that, you should be able to find her. Stephanie, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you so much, Nicole. Thank you everyone for listening. Here's to a more cycle informed world. I love it. Ladies. I don't know how I made it to my mid forties without being aware of the power of my cycle, but I hope I speak for all of us. When I say it's time, we reclaim and reconnect with the miracle that is our feminine flow. No more shame, embarrassment, or disgust. Let's just decide to be done with that. Let's awaken to the power that is inherently ours.

Because when we claim, own, and stand in our incredible strength, we become a force to be reckoned with. And nothing can stop a collection of women determined to rise. And it isn't anyone's job but a woman's to decide what we believe about our own bodies. Because that is woman's work.