This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 087 / Do Less

Episode Date: May 3, 2022

Why are we so obsessed with doing it all? It seems like there’s not a problem that we don’t try to solve with some version of “do more”. We are inundated with messages that hard work creates success and that we’re supposed to grind, and have grit, pay the price, be disciplined and get shit done. I’m tired. Or maybe I’m just old and cranky. But either way I'm going to share in this episode of This Is Woman’s Work how both myself and the women I coach have achieved our greatest success by doing less. Will people judge you if you go against the “do more” grain? Sure, but people will have opinions no matter what you do. They can have all the grind awards, the ‘first in, last out’ badges of honor, and every Overworked Woman of the Year trophy if they want them. I’m going further by doing less. Clarity, purpose, courage, passion…that is woman’s work. To learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast, visit us at NicoleKalil.com

Hey friends, Nicole Kalail here coming to you with another impromptu episode of This Is Woman's Work. What sparked me doing this was a quote that I shared in Instagram stories that said something to the effect of, it's not empowering to think you can always do more. It's actually exhausting. I got a lot of women responding and even a couple of men that it was something that they needed to hear, or it was a good reminder, or even an ugh, this hits me right in the gut. And it got me thinking. And when the wheels start turning, I start talking. So here I am with my morning coffee, post-school drop-off, to share some of my thoughts on this topic with you.

I feel like I should ask why we're so obsessed with doing more and doing it all, but I kind of know the answer. Because hard work is part of our identity as a country, And the expectation of doing more lives in almost every corporate culture. And we're inundated with messages that hard work creates success and that we're supposed to grind and have grit and pay the price and be disciplined and get shit done. Frankly, it seems like there's not a problem that we don't try to solve with some version of do more. But I'll tell you from personal experience and from the results of the women that I coach that real success comes from doing less. And I don't just mean that you'll have more personal success or better relationships or live a healthier life physically, mentally, and emotionally. Well, I do mean that, but I don't only mean that. You'll also have more professional and financial success and far greater impact by doing less. Don't believe me? Feeling skeptical?

Sounds too good to be true? Yeah, I get it. When people said things like that to me, I thought they were full of shit too. But I'm telling you, it's actually true. When I left my corporate executive leadership position in 2016, I had worn my hard work like a badge of honor. How many meetings you kept in a week was actually a measurement of success. So I truly believed that the busier I was, the fuller my calendar, the more people I could be in front of, the more successful I'd be, and therefore, the happier I'd be. And this belief didn't start at my former company. It was just reinforced there. I was born to two immigrant parents, one who grew up dirt poor.

So laziness was the ultimate sin in my family, and we were expected to perform at the highest levels in all that we did. Yet my parents loved me, raised me incredibly well, and were always there for me, and they also inadvertently planted the seed for the perfectionist and workaholic tendencies that I doubled down on in my career. When I left my former company to start my business, I immediately applied the same philosophies. I filled my calendar, panicked when I saw open space, said yes to more, took on more work, searched for more clients, more, more, more, more, more. Did it work? Yes. Frankly, I quickly replaced and then doubled my income and was living a pretty good life. And also no, because taking care of myself was always being put on the back burner. I never had time for the things I wanted to do or wanted to try or wanted to learn. I was exhausted at the end of my days. And frankly, I didn't always enjoy

the work that I was doing, but I kept lots and lots of meetings and was waiting for my overworked woman of the year award to show up just so I could show it off on social media. And I would have stayed on that track if not for two important things that changed my trajectory. First, I started coaching others to do what I wasn't doing myself. I was and still do work with some of the most incredible, impressive, thoroughly talented, and capable women. And they were telling me how overwhelmed, overworked, and exhausted they felt and how they didn't know how to handle the constant stream of advice they were getting, that no matter how hard they tried, they still needed to do more. And the more I heard it from oh so many women, the more frustrated and frankly furious I became on

their behalf. So I started talking to them about increasing effectiveness, prioritizing efficiency, giving themselves grace, prioritizing their mental and physical health. In short, I started coaching them to do less. And not theoretically or hypothetically, I literally told them to do less meetings, work less hours, see fewer people, ultimately to do less in order to be better. Stop working for the sake of working. Focus. Be purposeful and strategic with every meeting. Know the priorities and say no to anything that isn't that. Stop worrying about what everyone thinks and spend your energy in the places and with the people who you can have the greatest impact with. Set other people's expectations aside and know what you need to do

and who you need to do it with to achieve your goals. And in almost every case, the women who followed that advice in doing less, they got more, more profit, more time, more joy, more impact, more of actually living, not just doing. And at some point it was working so well for them, I decided I should probably give it a try. The second important thing that changed this pattern for me was COVID. It was a forced slowing down for me, like it did for so many of us. It forced me to take stock of where I was spending my time and what really mattered. It turned things upside down for sure, but that had me pivot, test, rethink, leverage, and re-evaluate.

And 2020 was a rough year where I ended it feeling mostly like I'd failed. You can hear all about that in the episode titled failure if you want, but let's just say I was in beat up mode and feeling very confused. It wasn't until about mid 2021 where I really decided to double down on my do less theory. I determined I had three professional priorities and my work calendar and all of my efforts were going to reflect only those three priorities. And I was going to do all of that in normal working hours, at least 90% of the time, it was all going to fit in no more than 30 hours a week, which for me includes nine hours of prep planning follow-through time. So I'm not finishing my work

day with a never ending to-do list and feeling like I'm still worried about work instead of being present with my family or whatever's next. And you know what? It's working. You might be wondering, okay, what are your three big priorities? For me, number one is speaking. Number two is writing and releasing my book. And number three is coaching. And by focusing on these three things, this year is shaping up to be the most impactful, the most productive, and the most profitable year yet. Side note, my book, Validation is for Parking, is coming to you late summer. We don't have an exact date from the publisher yet, but if you want to get on the list to learn more

about it, make sure you get my weekly emails. You can go to NicoleKhalil.com to sign up. Follow along there, or of course, on social media at Nicole M. Khalil on Instagram or you can find me on LinkedIn. Anyway, in addition to it shaping up to be a really great year professionally, it's also the healthiest I've ever been. My relationships are super strong. I'm spending time with the people I love and we're renovating our home to be the ultimate happy place for this introverted home body. And I find myself with free time. I literally have never had that before. It's odd. I'm not even sure what to do with it sometimes. And I don't say this to make it sound like things are perfect. They're not. And I still have fears,

doubts, challenges, and moments where I want to curl in the fetal position under my desk. But that was true when I was working my face off too. And frankly, I'll take those fears, doubts, and failures with a side of time, opportunity to think and plan, and space to breathe. Thank you very much. So why do we hold on to this do more, work harder, get it all done paradigm? Well, I can think of many reasons, but only a few of them are good. Things like, well, I have something to prove, or I care what everybody thinks, and I want it to look like I'm doing really good things all the time. Or I'm unsure of my purpose, so I'm just filling the time. So I don't even need to think about it. And

I just feel busy. Maybe I'm unclear on my priorities and I don't know where I should be spending my time or I'm looking for validation, that badge of honor, having people notice how hard you're working, the pats on the back, that type of thing, the compliments. Maybe I'm avoiding something. Maybe there's something bigger going on. And by keeping myself busy, I don't need to pay attention to it. Maybe it feels like an acceptable excuse. I don't know about you, but I liked hiding behind my calendar a lot. Like when people would ask me to do things saying, oh, I'm too busy or even letting people know how busy I am. It was a default response. When people asked how things were going, I would go, oh gosh, I'm so busy.

And that felt good to say. So maybe it's that maybe we've been conditioned, you know, tons of homework raised up by the bootstraps, like this, you know, work hard work ethic thing we have going on. And yes, there are some careers and situations like being a professional athlete or the military, or if you want to be the literal best of the best, like walk a stage, win a medal. And certainly there are some goals that would require it. Like I know a couple of women who compete in fitness competitions. Like I can see in those situations where the answer is do more, lift more, work harder, push yourself to your capacity. So there are some places where this makes sense. And if it's clear to you that doing more is the only or most direct line to your goals, then by all means, do more,

grind, get gritty, do whatever it takes, make the sacrifices. But for most of us mere mortals trying to live, you know, just holistically successful lives, I'd submit that what you're looking for lies in your ability to do less, to focus, prioritize, and let go of expectations. I'm sure you've heard the expression, a jack of all trades is a master of none. That certainly applies here because when you take on too much, when you never have time to breathe, to reflect, to learn, when you're running around like a chicken with your head cut off, trying to prove and people please your way into success and happiness, you never give yourself the opportunity to become really, truly great at something. Everything gets watered

down as you burn out. The best of the best at anything, people with expertise, they don't waste time trying to do it all. I've never heard of Serena Williams trying to become a pro golfer or taking a crack at volleyball or Brene Brown starting to talk about how to start a business successfully instead of shame and vulnerability or writing mysteries instead of self-development books. When you become clear on what really matters to you, you stop trying to do it all. The Jill of all tasks is the master of none. She's also fucking exhausted. So how do you get clear? First, you have to create the time. Ironic, right? So, you know, some ideas, hire a coach, read some books, listen to podcasts, journal, take a course,

do whatever it takes to move towards clarity. And it will take time. Yeah. I mean, there are some of us who grow up knowing exactly what we want to do and who we want to be when we grow up, but most of us are figuring it out as we go. Write a list of your top priorities in life and then start crossing them out until there's only three. That's what matters most. Then start writing a list of all the things you do and a minimum of 80% should be directly connected, directly correlated to success in your top three priorities. For me as an example, it's loving myself, my family, my business. Do I have other priorities? Sure. But I'm clear that where I spend my time and what I choose to do should reflect mostly those top three priorities. And I should be able to directly see how what I'm doing will increase

my probability of success in these areas as I define success. So as an example, my business is a top three priority, but if a potential client reaches out that isn't a good fit, it becomes an easy no. And my business also has a top three, as I mentioned earlier, speaking, my book, coaching. So I'm really clear about what I should be focused on and have been able to prevent getting distracted by other ideas and other things. And yes, women have much more opportunity and we have come a long way. You certainly know if you're a regular listener that I still think we have opportunity and space to grow. But what's problematic is that as we take on new roles, we just keep stacking them on top of the old ones. A woman can run a

multi-billion dollar business or be a CEO, but that role and the expectations and work that comes along with it somehow just gets stacked on top of the old roles and expectations that healthy dinners get made, houses are cleaned and kids are cared for, our hair, makeup, and nails are done while volunteering at church or PTA, while also hosting holidays, caring for aging parents, and catching up with friends and keeping everyone happy. What we have is role overload, and I'm over it. Doing less is not the same as being lazy. Frankly, I've never actually met a lazy working woman or mom. Doing less is about focus, knowing what matters, being clear and telling everything and everyone that doesn't align with it to pound sand.

Will people judge you? Yeah, but they're doing that no matter what you do. So as for me and my house, we will no longer serve at the altar of doing more. You can have all the grind awards, the first in last out badges of honor, and every overworked woman of the year trophy. It's all yours. I'm going further by doing less. Clarity, purpose, courage, passion. That is woman's work.