This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 088 / Mindset Matters with Paola Rosser

Episode Date: May 11, 2022

Mindset and the way we talk to ourselves matters. And while I’m sure we’d all agree that having a healthy, empowered and productive conversation with ourselves would be important, let’s be honest, this concept falls under the category of easier said than done. Here’s the good news about mindset, we can replace our negative thoughts with something better anytime we want…we just need to practice. To help us do that, I’ve asked Paola Rosser, CEO and Founder of The Fearless Female Movement, and host of the podcast “Journey of a Fearless Female,” to join us. As she’s made it her life’s work to coach women to step into and activate their power by releasing anxiety and those self defeating thoughts that I like to call headtrash. Just like everything, the more we practice, the easier it gets. And everytime we do it, we become a freer, braver, and more confident version of ourselves. And that is without a doubt Woman’s Work. To learn more about Paola, visit fearlessfemale.com Here’s a link to her morning gratitude and affirmation meditation To learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast, visit us at NicoleKalil.com

Here's one mind-busting thought from our guest, and you're definitely going to want to tune in for more. Everything you say becomes your reality. So let's change what you say about yourself and what you say about other things. I am Nicole Kalil, and in preparation for this episode of This Is Woman's Work, I typed negative thoughts into my Google search just to see what happened. And I got 971 million results. Holy shit, my friends, that is a lot of head trash. And I'd fall off my chair if I found out that anyone listening to this doesn't also struggle with some flavor of head trash. And I'd fall off my chair if I found out that anyone listening to this doesn't also struggle with some flavor of head trash on a regular basis, whether it be fear of failure

or of success, self-defeating thoughts, your inner critics, self-sabotaging, perfectionism, judgment, or comparison. I don't care what you call it. I've yet to meet a woman who hasn't experienced this negative self-talk, limiting beliefs, or disempowered thinking at some point and at some times in their lives, their weeks, their days, or even their hours. We all know our mindsets and the way we talk to ourselves matters. We'd all agree that having a healthy, empowered, and productive conversation with ourselves would be important.

But let's be honest. This concept falls into the category of easier said than done. Because knowing something isn't the same as doing something. And learning takes practice. It's like working out and healthy eating. I know it's the right choice. I believe it's important. But I can't just know it. I have to practice it, do it, and healthy eating. I know it's the right choice. I believe it's important, but I can't

just know it. I have to practice it, do it, and live it. By the way, it only took me about 44 years to figure that out. So slow learners are welcome here too. But here's the good news about head trash. We can replace our negative thoughts with something better anytime we want. We can sift, sort, and select the thoughts in our own brains again and again and again. We just need to practice, which is, by the way, how you get good at just about anything. To help us do that, I've asked Paola Russer, CEO and founder of the Fearless Female Movement and host of the podcast Journey of a Fearless Female to join us as she's made it her life's work to coach women to step into and activate that fearless power by releasing anxiety and those self-defeating thoughts that I like to call head

trash. Kayla, thank you so much for being here today. I'm excited for this conversation. Oh, I'm excited to be here. I love that you said that. Yes, we all suffer from the same negative self-talk and self-defeating ideas. And it really stems from, you know, some people get it in childhood. That was my case. I grew up in an abusive home. My mother was both physically and emotionally abusive. My father was an alcoholic. I was the seventh child. So the forgotten child, I guess you would say, because they were so busy already in their own lives. There was a 10 year gap between me and my oldest siblings.

So we didn't like have a cohesion. I was separate. I always say that I was off on my own little island trying to figure things out. And a lot of my years from elementary school all the way until I was probably 31, I suffered from anxiety, panic attacks, depression. I actually didn't know what anxiety was. I just thought that that was just everybody felt that way all the time, like walking on eggshells. It wasn't until I watched something where this girl was being swallowed up by a couch and she was trying to like talk about how, you know, she had anxiety feelings. I'm like, that's how I feel. And I would literally remember

myself feeling as if my bed was swallowing me up. Like my dresser was getting bigger. The lamp was getting bigger and I was getting smaller and smaller and smaller. Anxiety, panic, fear, shame, guilt were just normal things that I lived with. And I didn't understand that this was not normal, that this was actually toxic and negative emotions, and that you can actually change that, completely change it. And it came to me when I was about 26 years old. My dad died unexpectedly. And I went to see my very first therapist. For those of you who are listening and can't see me, I'm Mexican and most Mexicans don't

go to therapy. We don't talk about our problems. We shove them under the carpet and we pretend everything's okay, even though there's a huge elephant in the room. But I could not bear the pain of my father's death. It was this just, I can't even explain it for those of you who've never experienced grief. It is the most, it's anxiety, panic, stress, fear, all of those, but to the 10th degree. So I had already been walking around with my heart feeling like it was being crushed by, you know, by a hard rock. But now it was like, it was obliterated and I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. Um, and I was just like, I need to talk to somebody because I couldn't talk to my family.

They, their emotional intelligence wasn't at my level. And I couldn't like, no matter how many times I tried to express my feelings or try to talk to them, they would just call me dramatic and crazy and just let it go and eat a meal and forget about it. Right. So I went to go see my therapist. I sat on the couch and I still remember to this day, I was crying my eyes out telling her this is what happened and this is what happened. And I'm, you know, I just don't know what to do. And, and, you know, I I'm with this guy who's toxic too. And he lays his hands on me and he is emotional and everything. And she just looks at me and she goes, and there's nothing wrong with you. You are fine. All you have to do is get

control of your thoughts in your head. And that's easier said than done for somebody who absolutely had no clue about self-help. And fast forward two more years, a friend of mine gave me the book, The Secret. And I read the book. And at first my thoughts were, well, this doesn't work. And I've already done my human design. So I know that I am a researcher at heart. And so I love to try to debunk things. And so for the last, for a couple of years after reading the secret, I tried to debunk the idea of manifesting. And I, and during that time I was getting the parking, you know, the parking spot in front of target. And I was getting new friends and a new boyfriend and a new job, but they were still toxic. My boyfriend was toxic. My job was toxic. My friends were toxic. The money that I

had manifested, I was like, you know, mismanaging it and losing it and getting more into debt. And I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. And then I just thought, well, that's just me. There's something inherently wrong with me. And, you know, like I said earlier, I grew up with a mother who was emotionally abusive. And one of the, like I said earlier, I grew up with a mother who was emotionally abusive. And one of the things she would always tell me is I never really wanted you. And so when she would tell me that, that would make me feel unwanted, unlovable, not good enough, all the things, right? So whenever anything bad happened to me in my life, like I lost a job or a friend betrayed me or an ex-boyfriend cheated on

me or whatever, the very first thing that would pop into my mind was the record of, well, it's because you're not good enough and you're not wanted and you're unlovable. And it just would play over and over and over. And I would fall into these deep, dark depressions to the point where I honestly contemplated suicide many times. And there was a couple of times where I actually tried and didn't succeed. Thank God I didn't, I wasn't good at that. But when I figured out that manifesting does work and there's just this one key element that is making it not work in the way you have envisioned. And that's the feelings of wanting whatever it is that you want to be in your reality. So even though I wanted the feeling was

in there, my subconscious mind was saying, but you're not good enough and you're undeserving and you're unlovable and you're unwanted. So I was kind of negating all the things that were great coming into my life. I did manifest a boyfriend too bad he was toxic. And when he choked me out on the side of a building, cause I caught him cheating on me. I remember having this aha moment and mid choke. I just kept thinking like, I'm smarter than this. I've read the books. I've gone to therapy. What am I missing? I don't get it. And so for an entire year, I took an entire year off. And I even tell my clients, like, if you're going through a divorce or a breakup, take an entire year to just be with you. And for somebody who has a lot of turmoil in her brain, that was a very difficult

because being alone with my thoughts was a torture. I love Rob Bell, who is the author of love wins. He says the mind can be a dangerous place or a beautiful place. And for me, it was a completely dangerous place. And then I watched Super Soul Sunday one day and Oprah had Jack Canfield, Gabrielle Bernstein, Michael Bernard Beckwith, Michael Singer, just all these people that I was just like, okay, I'm going to read his book. Tony Robbins. I read his book. I read every book and I was like, okay, I think I've got it. The brain is like a sponge and whatever you feed it, whatever you focus on, the energy flows to that. And so one of the things she mentioned in one of her shows was like, gratitude is everything.

You have to wake up and be grateful for something. And I'm like, I have nothing to be grateful for. Like I live in a small studio apartment. I own two plates, one fork, two spoons. I drive a Honda Civic with the front bumper that's like dragging as I drive it. I'm drowning in debt. You know, I don't have anything to be grateful for. But then I just started with the basics. I grabbed a journal and I was like, okay, I'm breathing. I'm grateful that I'm breathing.

I'm grateful that I can see. I'm grateful that I have a bed to sleep in. I'm grateful that I have running water. I'm grateful that I have food in the refrigerator. You know, Alvia, it's tuna and top ramen. It was food. You know, I'm grateful that I had a car, even though it wasn't the nicest car, it was running and it took me from place to place.

And I just started like that. Just, you know, thankful that I could walk, I could talk, I could see. And it was like this amazing change in my life. It was a complete transformation. And it's, it's some of the, one of the things that I teach all my clients to do, that's their very first assignment is to get a journal and to start doing your gratitudes. And it's really, really hard when you're in the darkest pit of your life to see any kind of light. But I had to focus on what I did have versus on what I didn't have. And when I started to focus on what I did have, more light

started coming into my dark pit. And then before I knew it, I realized, hey, things are changing. I got a job. I was making more money. I got a new Camry. I got a new apartment with an actual oven. I had more plates, more spoons, more forks. And then that Christmas in 2015, I remember it was the first time I could own a Christmas tree because I paid off all my debt. I was completely credit card free debt,

debt free. And I had bought my very first Christmas tree. And there I was with my nephew who I called to bring it up the stairs for me. And I was decorating it with like 99 cent Christmas decorations. And I was just like in this place of pure joy and bliss that I had gotten myself out of that dark pit. I now had a job. I now had paid off all my credit cards. I was living in a brand new apartment with brand new furniture and I had my brand new Christmas tree and Mariah Carey was playing in the background. And I just remember being in this place of just complete bliss. And I looked at my Christmas tree and I said to my nephew next year, I'm going to be decorating

this tree with my husband. And he kind of laughed at me and he was like, Paola, you're not even dating anybody. What are you talking about? You're crazy. You're not even dating anybody. And sure enough, the following year, 2016, I was decorating that same tree and a brand new home with my dream car in the driveway and my dream husband to my side and my life completely changed. And, you know, I married somebody who was just incredibly smart and he's an entrepreneur, has a company that made money. And he was just

like doing great in life. So he said, you could just quit and you don't have to do what you're doing. And believe me, I was like, I quit. I don't want to work here anymore. I'm going to be a brand new Orange County housewife. And, and, you know, that was like great for a while. Like, you know, I did yoga in the afternoon and I had Starbucks in my hand and my Lululemon leggings. And I was excited. But for somebody like me, who's always been working since she was 14 years old, after three months, I was bored as hell. And I tried different companies. I tried Amazon arbitrage. I had my own Shopify store. I was doing all kinds of things. And then one day I was at the dentist and I was reading the 21 Success

Principles by Jack Canfield. And as I'm listening to him, I'm like, everybody needs to know this. How come this book wasn't given to me in high school? Everybody needs to know the 21 Success Principles. So I went home and I went on my Facebook page and I messaged 10 of my friends and I said, I want to start an accountability group. We're going to go through this book together. We're going to do the 21 things because every thing he gave you, every chapter, there was an assignment. Like you either create a vision board or you go and you talk to five clients or you go

and you do this. So I was like, this is amazing. So I created an accountability group and it was free. And I was like, all of my friends need to know this stuff. And it just brought me so much joy to see them hit their goals and get the things on their vision board and, and get out of debt. And, and it was just like this incredible feeling, but obviously because it was free, I started with 10 friends. And by the time the 21 weeks were up, I ended up with three. So my husband was like,

well, why don't you charge them? You're practically a coach. You're coaching them. You've already read the books. You've gone through all the conferences. He's like, why aren't, why don't you become a coach? And honestly, that really sat well with my soul because it made me realize like it was not all for nothing. Like I went through all of that in order to learn how to get out of the dark pit. And now it's my responsibility to teach others how to get out of the dark pit. Kayla, there's so many incredible messages in your story. Thank you, first of all, for sharing it. And I'm sorry it was so hard, but it's really interesting as I talk to women and men too, but I mostly talk to women.

I would be interested if you experienced this too, how often it's our pain that turns into our purpose and how often the worst things that we go through end up leading us, directing us towards the best things in our life. So that stuck out at me as you were talking. I'm half Mexican, so I know we don't talk about our feelings. And I started going to therapy myself many years back and tell everybody to go to therapy. But what I love is that you shared that really just jumped out at me is similar to what I talk about when I talk about building confidence is I think a lot of times people think that when good things happen, then your thoughts will change

as opposed to your thoughts need to change so that those good things will happen. So let's talk a little bit about how to do that. Because like you said, and I've experienced, easier said than done. When a negative thought or a limiting belief or the voice in your head that says you're not lovable or you're not enough, how do you handle it in the moment? Like, what do you do? Okay, so it took me a long time to actually get this down. But I really love the way, I think his name is Dr. Halstead, described this in his book,

What You Say to Yourself Matters. And I just finished this book about two weeks ago. And I really loved his visualization of it is just think of your brain as you're living in this old, dirty, disgusting apartment, because it's filled with all of your negative toxic patterns and behaviors and thoughts. And it's just dirty. Just picture it as like, Oh, it's just like, if you've ever seen hoarders, it's in there, you know, every negative thought, every negative thing you've ever said about yourself, it's in there. Now let's say you're going to hire a coach and they tell you to change your mindset, right? And they teach you how to do it. So you go in there and you clean your entire

apartment. It's spotless. You've removed all the tattered couches and all the negative stuff and you've put it in storage. And then he says, so now you're imagine yourself in this empty, clean, there's nothing tattered. There's nothing. You got rid of all the dirty rugs. You're going to eventually want to sit down. So you go back to the storage and you just grab one chair because it's comfortable. It's what's normal to you. It feels good.

So then what happens is another thing happens and you go back and you get the table, you dust it off, but it's still dirty and tattered. And you keep doing that until then you eventually have your dirty apartment again. And so what I had learned is that I wasn't strong enough to not go to that storage place because my emotional home, my victim mentality had been with me since I could remember to 31, 32, right? So 31 years of my life, all I've known is fear and anxiety and stress and panic. And so what I did was I wouldn't allow myself to be alone in my thoughts. And I tell this to my clients who are

beginning with me in their first 90 days is the moment you open your eyes, you reach for your headphones. And I tell them all to get AirPods, whatever, reach for your headphones and immediately turn on a motivational YouTube video. And so what I did and just imagine your apartment, instead of going back to the storage, I brought all brand new furniture. And so for a long time, I wouldn't allow myself to be alone with my thoughts. So I would just put on either a podcast, a motivational podcast, a motivational YouTube, a motivational audio book all the time while I was brushing my teeth, while I was getting dressed.

Even in the shower, I would take my cell phone and put it in a cup and listen to like a meditation of like, you know, there's beautiful shower meditations where, you know, the water cleanses you and you breathe in gratitude and you let go. I did this for years. I would have to say at least seven years after I discovered the secret and all that stuff, because I couldn't trust myself. I would eventually go back to my victim mentality. I would eventually go back to the storage and pick up all my tattered negative thoughts, because as soon as something bad went happen in my life, either I got an unexpected bill in the mail

or my sister called me with negative advice, or somebody was, you know, cut me off on the freeway. What was my first thing I would go back to? Well, of course they cut you off. You're unwanted. You're a piece of crap. You know, I would just like be the worst critic. So I would say, okay, I stopped listening to music because I, you know, music can take you to a place, your, your old high school, your ex-boyfriend,

something. So I just stopped listening to music and I would only allow myself to listen to positive stuff. And there's so much out there, YouTube, audio books, everything. I would just constantly fill my brain. And so then I got used to that. And so anytime something would come up, I would immediately say, no, that's not it. You know, that's not true. This is true. And so I created a mantra for myself. I use it all the time. Every time I start to get anxiety, I'm safe. I'm sound. I'm divinely protected. I'm safe. I'm sound and divinely protected. And I say it over and over to myself, you know, and I even teach my clients too. Like, I love Louise Hay. She teaches about mirror work. And I, I teach that to my clients to stand in front of the mirror and say, I love you. And if you can't say, I love you, just go down the

alphabet and just say, I am amazing. I am beautiful. I am creative. I'm delightful. I'm energetic. I am fearless. You just go down the alphabet and come up with a word that matches the letter and look at yourself in the mirror. And you would be surprised at like how you can change that. I've done so much research on the brain. My favorite scientists and doctors are like Bruce Lipton and Joe Dispenza. I really love the way they speak about the brain and how it works and how it functions. And the way they talk about it is basically, it's like a record player. So whatever you tell it, it's going to believe it. So if I tell you I'm blue, I'm blue, you're blue, you're blue, you're blue, you're eventually going to be like, yeah, I am blue. I'm feeling blue and I want

to wear blue. And I think my eyes are blue because your brain automatically wires that message into your, into your mind. So if you grew up in an emotionally toxic, abusive environment, whether it was your mom, your dad, your step-mom, your stepdad, your grandma, your grandpa, your uncle, whether you learned it at school because your teacher, your nun was telling you, you're not good enough. You're not great at math. You can't sink or whether you've gotten a toxic relationship. And that person was like, you're fat, you're ugly, can't, you know, do this, you can't do that. The more you hear that, the more your brain will wire that in as like, yep, that's it. That's, it's true. So you could easily the best part about your brain is you could

easily change that record and put in a new record. So if you tell yourself every single day, you are beautiful, you're amazing, you're confident, you are, you know, fearless, you can do anything. You say that to yourself every single day, eventually that record will play. And even when something bad happens, you will be strong enough to say, nope, that's not true. My new record is I'm beautiful. I'm smart. I'm amazing. You know, and you just be, be repeated. And the more you repeat it, the more it becomes your new practice, your new record, your new thought process. And you'd be amazed how different your life will change because now you're not looking for the darkness. Now you're not trying to get back into the pit. You're actually looking for the light

and the light will pull you towards more light. Yeah. It's interesting while you were talking, I can think of times where I said this myself, and I'm sure some people listening, you know, that sounds like a lot of work. And if you think about it, you know, we've spent how many years of work getting ourselves to this point, you know, why not take the time and invest the energy into changing the record? As you said, it's so worth it and it makes such a difference. And you're right. There is so much available to us. While you were talking, I just Googled positive thinking,

1.2 billion results compared to the 971 million on negative thinking, which actually surprised me. I would have thought there was more negative. So I'm sure people are listening who, you know, we've all had different experiences and you had a very tough upbringing and story. Some people might be listening and haven't experienced anything like that, but they still have fear and negative self-talk or doubts. And I find a lot of times for us, especially as women, it's the fear of the unknown, right? It's the fear of what's next. What do you tell women who are struggling with that fear of the unknown and the fear of what might happen? So if you're listening to this, all that fear, all that anxiety,

all the things that are telling you to stop their lies, their complete lies to keep you in your comfort zone. I tell my clients, your subconscious mind, it's number one assignment is to keep you safe. It's to keep you away from the saber tooth tigers is to keep you away from the lines is to keep you in the cave so that you could be safe. But a lot of the times it's keeping you safe from the most ironic things that are never going to happen. And trust me, I have crazy thoughts, guys. Like I have thought about tsunamis and, you know, earthquakes, and I'm going to get raped and murdered. I've had all these crazy thoughts. And none of those things have ever happened to me. And I can tell you that if I allowed my fear to keep me back, I would have never created

the fearless female movement. My clients have changed their lives. I had one woman leave her toxic and abusive husband. She has now started her own business. She's in her own place. And she tells me all the time, my life changed because of you, because you helped me realize how powerful I truly am. And I will never forget you.

If I would have just sat in that fear, I can't even imagine all the women that I've touched and change and help and encourage and empowered and inspired, like none of that would have happened. And I truly believe that the moment you step into your own power and you turn on that light that's within your soul, it causes a ripple effect. And you turn on someone else's light and you help them and they turn on someone else's light. And it just brings out the power that is within all of us. And so that's where like, I really want my clients to get back in love with life, with themselves. And I teach them the four principles of mindset, love, abundance, and manifesting. Because once you get the mindset right, that's where I didn't get it right. And I manifested and then I self

sabotage. So mindset, we've got to get it right. Then we have to love yourself and our environment and everything around us, our partner, our children, our extended family, our friends, the people that have guided us to this point, the abundance that's within this world. Like if you're struggling with your debt, I help, I do a whole entire two weeks on like, let's get you out of debt because that's one of a big strain on people's minds is debt causes them to believe, you know, bad things about themselves. So, okay, let's get you out of debt. It's pretty easy. Everything is, is really easy. If we say it's easy, if we say it's difficult, it's hard, it's I'm never going to, well, that's going to be your reality. Everything you say becomes your reality. So let's change what you say about yourself and what you say about other things. And then the last step I teach

them how to manifest. Okay. Let's manifest and visualize what you want for the rest of your life. And that's one thing that we stopped doing as children. As children, we would have these huge imaginations. I want to become this and I want to become a princess. And then all of a sudden people who lost their imagination started telling you that's not going to happen. That's unrealistic. That will never happen for you or in our family that just doesn't exist. And then you realize, actually, I can create the life I want. I can do whatever I

put my mind to because everything, if you think about it, all started with someone's thought. Someone one day said, you know, I want to talk on the phone with somebody without a cord. And then they created, you know, the iPhone. I want to talk to someone online and be able to see them. Okay. Let's create zoom. Everything started with a thought. So if you can think it in your mind, you can hold it in your hand. If you can create it in your vision, you can make it your reality.

And that's truly what manifesting is. It's just visualizing, imagining it, holding that feeling of what it's going to feel like when you have those things, and then bringing it into your reality. I love it. I love the concept of letting the light shine brighter and brighter and that everything begins and ends with our thoughts, practicing gratitude, the mantras, the affirmations, the examples you gave us, if we're struggling to say positive things to ourselves. These are all great ways to redirect our brains. Paola, thank you so much for sharing your story, for your stand

for other women and helping them get the lives they want and they deserve. If you're listening and you want to learn more about Paola and her movement, you can go to fearlessfemale.com or on Facebook, Fearless Female Movement or Instagram, Fearless Female Podcast. We'll put it all in the show notes and a link to her morning gratitude and affirmation meditation. We'll put that all in the show notes. Payla, thank you so much for, again, for your story and for sharing your experience and such great wisdom. So I will sign off today by sharing a process that works for me

whenever I have head trash or experience big fear or doubts. The first thing I do is name it. I say, that's head trash or that's fear. I do this so I don't interact with it like it's something that it isn't, like my inner voice or thinking it's a sign of something. I name it, I call it what it is. And then I ask myself, is there a different, more productive, more empowered way to see this? How would I see it if I were talking to somebody I love, like my sister or my best friend? And then I begin to practice replacing that thought with something better, like an affirmation or a mantra or some of the suggestions that Paola gave

us. And just like everything, the more I practice, the easier I get, the better it is, and the faster I recover. And every time I do it, I become a freer, braver, and more confident version of me. And that is, without a doubt, woman's work.