This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 095 / How Are You, Really? with Jenna Kutcher

Episode Date: June 29, 2022

So many of us feel like we're inundated with ‘should’s, ‘supposed to’s, unsolicited advice, expectations and general pressure to do it all while making it look effortless. In the face of all of that noise, you’ll hear today from one of my bucket list guests, how to learn to listen to yourself again. I’m THRILLED to welcome Jenna Kutcher as my guest today. If you have somehow managed to make it through life up to this point without knowing who she is, Jenna is a Minnesota wife, mother and entrepreneur who aims for two things daily: helping others wake up to life, and staying in comfy pants (now, that’s a mission I can get behind). Host of the top-rated Gold Digger podcast, she’s helped hundreds of thousands redefine success and chase bold dreams through her work as a leading online personality and educator. Her book, How Are You, Really? is about to hit the shelves and I am so excited we all get to hear from her. We are going to invite you to get a little uncomfortable. Because as Jenna says, “the realist version of you deserves to be known and listened to.” To pre-order Jenna’s book go to www.howareyoureallybook.com and follow her on IG @jennakutcher To learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast, visit us at NicoleKalil.com

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code WW30 at KiwiCo.com. That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com, promo code WW30. I am Nicole Kalil, and on today's show, you get to hear from one of my bucket list guests. But before I share who it is, I want to share what I love most about her, and that is that she is real, authentic, and shows up as herself in a world that tries so hard to only show their best versions of reality. Because most humans don't spend the time to confront the feeling that they're unhappy with their life and are expending far too much energy trying to make it look good. They don't want to sit in the discomfort, probably for fear of the change it might usher in. So on this episode of This Is Woman's Work,

we're going to invite you to get a little uncomfortable because as my guest says, the realist version of you deserves to be known and listened to. So let's dive in. Jenna Kutcher is a born and raised Minnesota wife, mother, and entrepreneur who aims for two things daily, helping others wake up to life and staying in comfy pants. Now that's a mission I can get behind. Host of the top-rated Gold Digger podcast, she's helped hundreds of thousands redefine success and

chase bold dreams through her work as a leading online personality and educator. Her book, How Are You Really?, is about to hit the shelves, and I am so excited we all get to hear from her. So I'm going to dive right in because I have many, many questions. So Janet, you share in your book, how you learn to listen to yourself again. So many of us feel like we're inundated with shoulds, supposed to unsolicited advice, expectations, and general pressure to do it all and look good while doing it. So my question is in the face of all of that noise, how do we find and learn to hear our inner voice again? Yeah. You know, one of my greatest teachers in this has actually been my three-year-old. Um, I watch her and I'm like, Oh, this girl is so doesn't care what people think is so creative is so inspired

is so curious is so alive. And I'm like, when do we lose that? And like my literal job as her mom is like, I want to preserve that for her as long as I possibly can, because the world, like you said, is so noisy that it's like constantly telling us like, you need to do this, or you need to show up this way, or you need to sit, you never say no. And so I think it really begins with getting quiet with ourselves. And I think that is the hardest thing for most women, especially working women doing the nine to five, doing the 5k every day is really hard. What we need to do is get back to the couch. Have you seen those like apps where it's like go from couch to 5k? I'm like, Oh no, we're running the 5k daily. We need to like learn how to rest for a minute and then maybe two minutes and then maybe an hour and then maybe a day. Um, and so for me,

it's like getting quiet with yourself and also just starting to notice, like have this awareness. Like, when do you get excited? When do you have goosebumps? When do you feel that ping of like, I don't like that person or that energy starting to like pay attention and simply notice allows for you to build up that trust of like, no, those aren't just like random things. Like that's your inner knowing that we all have that has been like silenced over time. So my favorite thing about

that, I have an almost nine-year-old and it's true. It's there. We just disconnect, but I think there's good news in that, that it is still there. We can find it again. Yes. Okay. So I can't have you on my podcast and not ask about your married to Mr. Six pack viral moment. So if you're listening and you don't know what I'm talking about, you got to read the book, but in times like that, and as someone with over a million followers, I would imagine that happens fairly often. Yeah. How do you tame your inner narrative in the face of criticism? Like what do you actually say to yourself? Yeah. So the story that we're talking about is I had this post go viral and it's me in a bathing suit next to my husband on a beach in Hawaii. And my husband is super fit. It is his passion. My passion is business and podcasting and writing a book.

And his passion is fitness. And so I've always believed this lie in my head that like, when people see us, they believe we're mismatched, right? We all have that like story that we tell ourselves I'm the fat friend or I'm the dumb one, or I can't do this. And that was my lie is like, whenever somebody meets us, the lie that I told myself was like, they were looking at us thinking, Oh, how did she land him? And what happened was, is somebody reached out and said my exact deepest fear and said it to me. How did you, how did a girl like you manage to land a guy like him? And for so many of us, like our insecurities are like so down deep, like we will do anything to hide them. And when somebody speaks them or like weaponizes it against you, it is like the most massive trigger.

And so I don't normally do this, but I kind of clapped back at it and it was like, we have been together for a decade. We are so much more than our bodies. Like we are like, he has loved me through every phase of my body. And what people didn't know at the time is when we went viral, we were actually trying to get pregnant for the third time. So we had suffered two losses. And so it was a, such a tender season for me and my body. And, um, I remember they always say, don't read the comments. I guess what I did.

I read the comments and, um, I mean, they were, I can remember verbatim what they said, like, don't call her curvy. She's fat. Like she's a beached whale. Like, I mean, all of these things, which is actually really ironic because I am a very normal sized human being. But to answer your question, like my narrative has to be this, this belief that like my brain and my body are teammates. They're not opponents. My body is not the enemy. My body is carrying me through this life. My body is capable, all of these things. And one thing that I think we get wrong a lot as a society, when it comes to self love, as we paint it as this place of arrival, like we think like someday I will love myself and then it'll all just disappear. But like self-love is like constant redirection of that narration, constant redirection of the stories we tell ourselves, constant redirection of the

comments we get or the comments we give ourselves. And just reminding ourselves like, this is what we are. This is what favorite parts of the traditional gender roles or stereotypes or expectations? Yeah. So, um, my husband is a stay at home dad and we live in the Midwest, like the meat and potatoes, small town, Minnesota, Midwest. My husband often gets referred to not as a stay at home dad, but as a babysitter. And that grinds my gears. Um, he does so much more than watch our children. He's a parent. Um, and you know, it's funny because we come from very traditional backgrounds.

And so it has been like pushing back, but a lot of times it's like this shared vision that him and I have, where we can like look across the room and connect and be like, they don't need to understand it. they don't need to understand it. They don't need to get it. And there's this thing, there's this line in the book that says like, the thing about callings is that it's nobody's job to understand yours. And I think a lot of times, especially when we're ambitious or we have this idea or this dream or this curiosity, we want people to understand and buy into it, but it's not their

job. And so there's a story in the book about just like how, when you can move through life, like having a shared vision for what you want for your life, if you are so fortunate to have somebody sharing that vision with you, it's like them holding up a candle when it gets dark for you and you doing the same for them. It's like reminding them that the view is going to be worth it. And so a lot of times, um, if we mentioned anything about our lifestyle, if we're traveling or if we're doing things, people will always look to him and say, well, what do you do for work? And then he'll say, oh, I stay home with my daughters. And then they'll look at me kind of

confused and like, well, what do you do? And him and I just always make eye contact and smile at each other. Cause we're like, it's not their job to buy into this. It's our job to live it. Oh God. So powerful. And you know, relationship goals right there. It's amazing. So in my mission for women to restore their confidence, I run into so many, myself included at times, where we know we're meant for something bigger. We want the business, the impact, the lifestyle, the options, but we feel some guilt and even shame for wanting it, like we're being selfish or greedy. And again, maybe going against some of the gender expectations. What would you say to women with those thoughts and feelings?

Yeah. You know, it's really interesting because someone asked me the other day, like, what could men do? Like if you're in a relationship that way, what could men do to support ambitious women? And it was a guy asking the question. I kind of smiled and I said, trust me, you want to see the women in your life come fully alive. Like something like magical is going to happen. And I honestly think a lot of our society and specifically men are afraid to watch women fully embody who they are and what they can do.

It's, it's scary because we'll push against the norms and we'll push against society and we'll push against the things that have been handed to us. And I see this as a mom with a young one where I'm like, the messaging is ingrained so early on, like wait for the knight in shining armor to save you and like all these things. And it's like, that has, the messaging is ingrained so early on, like wait for the knight in shining armor to save you and like all these things. And it's like, that has been the messaging. And we've never paused long enough to say who wrote this messaging and do I subscribe to it?

And so like, what I think is so important is like, when we think about like our ambition as women, when other women see what's possible, it's like, we're running the four minute mile and showing that they can too. And a lot of women will dim their light to make other people feel comfortable. Right. Because it's like, we don't want to make anyone feel small. Like we are so apologetic about like our pursuit that we belittle our life's work at the drop of a hat. And I believe that like when we fully embody and fully come alive, it is this open invitation for other women to see it and to do it as well. And so I just believe that the more that we can share, the more transparent we can be about

the pursuit, the more that we can talk about like what it feels like to be stretched thin, because we love all of the aspects of our lives. The more that we say, I'm doing this and you can come along too. And so that's like what I believe we should do more of as women is celebrate these things so that other people can see them as possibilities. Amen. And thank you for being proof of that. You know, it sounds great, but when you see it, it is inspiring. It does open up possibilities. So one of my favorite lines in the book is show up as yourself, your full, true and whole self naked while fully clothed. And I believe one of the things you're known for, and I don't know, I'm assuming this is part of your value, but it just comes is your authenticity. So how do we show up as, how are you doing that? How are you

showing up as your true self? Yeah. You know, there's this line in the book that comes right before that one. It's funny that I have it memorized. And it's saying like, loneliness is not being in isolation. Loneliness is being fully surrounded, but not wholly known. And it's saying like, loneliness is not being in isolation. Loneliness is being fully surrounded, but not wholly known. And I feel like so many of us feel like we have to shape shift our way through life. Like we can show up as one version of ourselves to church and one version of ourselves to the PTA meeting and one version of ourselves at home and one at work. And we're constantly just kind of reading the room and then like adjusting to what is needed from us. And, um, the whole vulnerability piece of it is, is really what it comes down to is

confidence and alignment. Being vulnerable is nothing. If you aren't confident in who you are, and if you don't feel fully aligned that like how you're showing up is the right way. And I think it's so like, I only know how to be vulnerable because I only know how to show up as my full self. For example, I was recently at a business meeting and it was all men and myself, and I have a six month old and I am exclusively nursing. So like, here we go. And I knew we were going to have like a 10 hour day. And I was like, I've got to figure out because like, I want to do both. I want to be in this meeting. And I also want to be with my daughter and we've got to figure this out. And so I packed along her docketot and her monitor and her white

noise machine. And I was like, I'm going to figure this out. And I was fully present for the meeting. I was not disruptive. I made sure it was okay. I gave a keynote speech with my daughter in an ergo. And then I went and put her down for her nap. And it's like, if you want me in this stage of life, you're going to have to take me in any form I come in. And that goes for next year and a decade from now and until my last breath. And so it comes from that confidence of like, I know my value and my worth. And I also know what I am going to choose to prioritize. And so you have to just take all of it. I'm not going to just give you a piece of me. And I think so many of us are walking around as

like these tiny pieces of ourselves. And that's why we don't feel fully satisfied or fully aligned. Yeah. And I saw the picture of you on stage and I remember thinking how amazing it was that you even thought of that as a possibility. I think so many of us think we can't, right. It's not an option. It can't work as opposed to like, how can I make both work? And I just, again, found that inspiring. You mentioned this earlier, the 5k to couch. Yeah. How does slowing down and asking for help support you in creating a life well-lived? Oh my gosh. So many things. So, um, you know, I believe that we, as women are literally running a 5k every day. I think work for a lot of us is autopilot. It's easy. It makes us feel productive. It makes us feel like we're checking things off our list. And at the end of the day, we can go

to bed with a gold star because we did something. And I believe that we have gotten it so convoluted that like we have to earn rest or that we have to work hard now so that we could rest someday when really like the more that we can like sink into our actual lives and get quiet with ourselves and even take like a minute to ourselves, the better we will be, the more we will enjoy our life, the better we'll show up in whatever roles that we're in. And so when I think about this whole, like rest to 5k, I'm like, no, no, no, we're running the 5k. How do we learn how to rest? How do we slow it down? And I really think that we have to train ourselves just like we train ourselves. There's this story in the book called my soul Shavasana. And it was how I used to do

yoga. And at the end of the practice, when you're supposed to lay on the mat, because you just did all of this work, I couldn't do it. I couldn't be still. It was so uncomfortable. And I've learned that like, I simply just need to not like have an empty brain or not sit and meditate for an hour straight, but I have to start becoming aware of my thoughts. We're like moving through life. And we're not even aware of the thoughts that we're thinking and our thoughts become our actions and our actions become our habits and our habits become our life. And so it's like, how do we just simply start to notice to become aware of our thoughts? Because when we do that, it invites us to slow down.

It invites us to come back to the beginning, come back home do that, it invites us to slow down. It invites us to come back to the beginning, come back home to ourselves. It invites us to listen and trust our intuition. It invites us to think about the possibilities. And so for me, it's like, I have to train and like check in with myself so much more when I'm resting than when I'm working, working is easy for me. Resting is like, oh yes. Okay. Slow down. Oh yes. You don't need to be anywhere else. Oh yes. You don't need to do in order to have value. And so I think that so many women like would benefit from putting themselves into a bootcamp on learning how to rest. I can relate to that so hard. We all can. It's like, that's just like our worth. Our worth is

in like what we do and what we create. And so we have to like disconnect from that. Okay. My last question, Jenny, you have an almost seven month old, a three-year-old husband. You run a multimillion dollar business, speak, host a podcast, serve countless people are releasing your first book among I'm sure very many other things. So my last question is, how are you really? Honestly, I've never been more energized in my life. I've never felt more alive and aligned, which is crazy. And I want to give people your listeners permission on this one thing. So for

the last four years of my life, after our miscarriages and finally getting pregnant with my daughter, Coco, I hit the brake and I like hit the brake pedal hard. And so the last four years of my life have looked really different. Of course, there's a pandemic thrown in there and everything else, but I want to invite you. If you are feeling this call to hit the brake, I want for you to trust yourself, to know where the gas pedal is. And right now I feel like we're revving up. Like I'm excited. I'm energized. I'm alive. I feel stretched thin and I only feel stretched thin because I love everything so much. Like I'm excited. I'm energized. I'm alive. I feel stretched thin. And I only feel stretched thin because I love everything so much. Like I flipped the script on like, I'm stretched thin. Like I'm going to burn out. It's like, I feel stretched thin. Cause like, I love all these

aspects and how can I figure out ways to do them all while protecting my sanity. Um, and so I'm doing really good and I'm so excited to get this book out into the world. I've never like believed in anything more. It's not my life's work, but it is the most important work of my life this far. And I'm so excited for people to get it. And it's so good. So before I tell everyone where to find you and order your book, thank you, Jenna, for your great work, for keeping it real and for being an inspiration to so many, including me. Thank you so much for having me. And let me just like circle back and shine the mirror right back at you.

Thank you for the way that you show up and for the women you lead. And my mom always reminds me, like, you don't know the ripple effect that you're having, but you have to trust in that to keep showing up. And so I'm glad that you do. So thank you for having me. Thank you. If you're looking to learn more about Jenna or follow her, you can go to her website, Jenna Kutcher.com or follow her on Instagram at Jenna Kutcher. But most importantly, you got to get your hands on her book. The way to do that is go to, how are you really book.com. We'll put this all in show notes, but definitely go pre-order or purchase the book because

it is going to be a life changer for you. And I want to leave you with this. This is your charge. Sit in the discomfort with yourself. Me and Jenna, we'll be supporting you from afar, but this part is just for you. Go ask yourself, how are you really? Because knowing the answer to that is most certainly woman's work.