This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 114 / The Person You're Forgetting to Thank

Episode Date: November 23, 2022

It’s the day before turkey day and I am grateful for you! Whether you’ve been listening to the This Is Woman’s Work podcast since episode 1, or you’re brand new here - it absolutely makes my day that with ALL the options available to you, you choose to listen to me ranting into a mic. Thank you for joining me on this journey! We all have things to be grateful for, even if it’s the simplest or smallest of things. But what if, for this Thanksgiving (or really any day, you don’t need a holiday to be grateful), you chose to be grateful to and for yourself. What if this holiday is about honoring you. Because, let’s face it, YOU are probably the thing that you’ve let go most unnoticed and unappreciated in your own mind. So I’m gonna ask that you celebrate you, feed you, fill yourself up (and not just with mashed potatoes and stuffing) with thankfulness, generosity and ultimate gratitude. That is woman’s work. To learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast, visit us at NicoleKalil.com. Get your copy of Validation Is For Parking.

I am Nicole Kalil and it's the day before Turkey Day and I am grateful for you. Whether you've been listening to the This Is Woman's Work podcast since episode one or you're brand new here, it absolutely makes my day that with all the options available to you, that you choose to come here and listen to me ranting into a mic. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Today, I'm filled with gratitude and tomorrow I'll be filled with mashed potatoes and stuffing, which are absolutely the main event of any good Thanksgiving meal. You can fight me on that. And of course, it feels like I should do an episode on the topic of gratitude. But I struggled with what to say because honestly,

who wants to listen to someone else list all the wonderful things in their lives that they're grateful for? Or have yet another person remind you that you should be grateful? I'm guessing most of the other podcast hosts across the country are feeling the same pressure to do this sort of seasonal and topical let's all be grateful episode. I mean, let's face it. It's hard to be anti-gratitude with all that evidence out there that it does improve our mental, emotional, and physical health. It helps us feel more of the wonderful emotions like happiness. It supports us in overcoming adversity. It helps us feel more of the wonderful emotions like happiness. It supports us in overcoming adversity. It strengthens our relationships, reduces stress,

and improves sleep. I've personally experienced it help my life in countless ways at countless times. So I couldn't really come here and go against gratitude. And the reality is we all have things to be grateful for, even if it's the simplest or smallest of things. And it's, let's face it, relatively easy to be thankful for the good and the obvious things in our lives. Like I'm always grateful to cheese and the animals and humans that create this magical gift. I'm grateful that I'm not lactose intolerant so I can appreciate the cheese. And I'm grateful for crackers for being the vehicle that holds the cheese and charcuterie bores for displaying it and cured meats for accompanying it. Okay. So clearly I can't be anti or against gratitude. And I don't want to take the

obvious approach of being pro-gratitude for all the wonderful things like cheese. So what's my angle here? Well, if those are two ends of the gratitude spectrum, what about the stuff in the middle? What about being grateful for the things that aren't so obvious? Like maybe our opportunity is to take a minute to feel or express gratitude for the things that typically go unnoticed or unappreciated in our lives. I'll give you an example. What if I chose to be grateful for my stomach? Now, hear me out. For me, this is

the body part that I've underappreciated for the vast majority of my life. I've never had six pack abs. I tend to carry any extra weight in my belly, especially as I get older. So what if I choose to be grateful for my stomach who lovingly stores the cheese and will also take in all the mashed potatoes and stuffing that's coming its way? This stomach who, yes, has never had a six pack, but has literally created life, which I think is pretty damn impressive. This stomach that digests the food, that breaks it down, the stomach where I have gut feelings, where my body literally tells me if something is good or bad for me, that seems to know things that the rest of my body doesn't know yet. Where when I laugh really, really hard, it hurts in the best possible way. Where my baby used to

lay and now my puppy has taken over. I mean, my stomach may actually be my best body part and I've abused it, neglected it, and undervalued it. Maybe it's time I became grateful for it. How about you? What is something or someone in your life that has gone unnoticed or unappreciated up to this point, but it's time to be thankful and return its kindness or acknowledge what it's been for you? It doesn't need to be a body part.

It could be a person, a place, a thing, or an event. Maybe it's a neighbor who leaves you alone and never causes any drama. Maybe it's an opportunity that you were given, but you didn't take, or one that you did, but it didn't go as planned. Maybe it's a challenge you got on the other side of. Maybe it's something that looked like a rejection, but actually worked out in your favor. There are so many options, but what if we dug a little deeper and chose gratitude for the not so obvious things in our life? Which brings me to another thought. I've seen people say that they're grateful for things that have in fact hurt them, for things like failures, heartbreak, missteps, pain, rejection.

I've, by the way, said this too. And I know what people mean. At least I think I do. It's the, I'm grateful for this really painful event or thing that happened in my life because without it, I wouldn't have learned this, or I wouldn't have experienced that. Or if that awful thing wouldn't have happened, it wouldn't have led me here to this point in my life where I can now see its purpose and the direction or value it served or the redirect it created. I'll be honest, I've been rethinking this messaging.

And yes, I know I've said it before. I'm not sure that gratitude is the right word choice here, or at the very least that we're sending the right message in saying that we're grateful to the person, to the event, or the thing that hurt us, that caused us harm. Gratitude means the quality of being thankful, the readiness to show appreciation, and the return of kindness. Am I grateful to the ex who strung me along for many years, who knew he'd never give me what I wanted, but was happy to give me just enough to keep me around? Am I grateful to a company that made things harder for me as a woman than it was for my male counterparts? Am I grateful to the

person who refused to see my value, even though all the evidence was there in the results? Fuck no, that's some bullshit. I'm questioning, and frankly, completely over this message of gratitude being an all-encompassing thing where we should be grateful to and for the hard, painful, hurtful people and events in our lives. Again, I get what we're trying to say when we do that. And I agree that all of those events have contributed to where we are today. All events contributed to where we are today, good, bad, or indifferent. I just don't love this, I'm grateful to this person for hurting me because without them, I'd never have turned into this person as an example. So like in my life, I had this ex, I think I've talked about this before that I stayed committed to for several years after we

broke up. I experienced heartbreak, insecurity, feeling used, and frankly being treated like shit. Am I grateful to him that he treated me that way? Even knowing now with the benefit of hindsight that I'm currently in the healthiest relationship with the best man I know? Fuck no, I'm not grateful to him. This wasn't some act of kindness on his part. I have forgiven.

I've let go of, I've become indifferent. I've acknowledged and all the things that I've needed to do to move on. But none of those things, doing all of that stuff, the forgiveness, the letting go of, had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I let go of the anger, the pain, and the resentment because it was hurting me to hold onto it. By the way, side note here, this idea that someone needs to give us closure in order for us to move on is complete bullshit. You give yourself closure by moving on. And if being grateful to the person who caused you harm helps you do that, then who am I to judge? Whatever works for you to move forward, I'm good

with. But I am not grateful to those people or those events. I'm grateful to me. I'm grateful that there came a time where I said enough is enough. I'm grateful that I walked away, albeit with some baggage, but I finally walked away. And then I did the work to lighten and eventually set down that baggage so that I could go and find and create this healthy relationship. I'm grateful that I allowed a painful situation to turn into a loving one, that I trusted that I deserved more finally, and that I redirected all that attention away from him and onto me and worked on my own confidence, that I experienced the pain, but I didn't let it define me. Okay, so what am I saying here? Well, I think that when we say we're grateful for a person or

an event that did damage in our lives, that we're manipulating gratitude, that we're minimizing it and giving our attention and our thankfulness to the wrong thing. So here's my spin on gratitude for the day. What if you decide to be grateful for you, to you? And don't give me any of that. It's selfish crap. You can be grateful to yourself and to others. There is no limit. There is no governor on how much gratitude you can give or feel, but we're so used to being grateful for all the things outside of us. So much so that we're even willing to express gratitude toward the people and the things who've hurt us the most before we show appreciation for and return kindness to ourselves. So here's my spin on gratitude. Here's my angle.

What if for this Thanksgiving or really any other day that you want to be grateful because you don't need a holiday to do that. What if you chose to be grateful to and for yourself along with everything and everyone else you want to be grateful for? What if you took a hot second and acknowledged how far you've come? Think about the person you were last year or 10 years ago and think about how you are different and better today. Maybe you're stronger than you once were. Maybe you're softer. Maybe you've accomplished more. Maybe you're doing less. Maybe you like yourself more and feel more comfortable in your own skin. Maybe you give less fucks than you used to, or maybe you finally told somebody who needed to hear it to fuck off. Maybe you walked toward. Maybe you walked away. Maybe you've learned a

new skill. Maybe you've become clearer about what really matters. Maybe you took a big risk, or maybe you're preparing to. Maybe you trust yourself more. Maybe you stood up for yourself or spoke your truth in some way. Maybe you've forgiven yourself or someone else, or maybe you get to ask for forgiveness. Maybe you overcame. Maybe you're choosing a new perspective. Maybe you realize how much you're capable of. Maybe you said no to something that no longer serves you. There are so many things about you that you've done that you can be grateful for. Let's face it, as we head

into this holiday of Thanksgiving, you are probably the thing that you've let go most unnoticed and unappreciated in your own mind. So why not take the time to include yourself on this list of things to be grateful for? Celebrate you, feed you, fill yourself up, not just with mashed potatoes and stuffing, but with thankfulness, generosity, and ultimate gratitude for yourself. Be the leading lady, be the hero of your own story. That is woman's work.