This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 130 / Can’t Get No Satisfaction with Dr. Julie Landry

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

We live in a time of abundance. We have more available to us today than ever before, we are more connected, there’s a plethora of options at our finger tips, AND YET, so many of us are unsatisfied.�� And that paradox is hurting all of us, regardless of gender, but I think for women there’s a nuanced way it’s wreaking havoc on our lives… the more options we have, the more we feel we’re supposed to DO. And it’s fucking exhausting. So let’s dive in and discuss, because I KNOW this is impacting me, and I imagine I’m not alone. I’ve invited Dr. Julie Landry, board-certified clinical psychologist, former Army officer, and founder of a thriving concierge mental health practice to join us. Julie works with high-level executives, professional athletes, health care professionals, and is here to share tips and strategies that work. Here’s a good place to start: Build and maintain the relationships that serve you, and then serve and share your gifts with others. Choose and practice gratitude. SLOW DOWN and be where your feet are. Do more of the things that light you up from the inside, and less of the things that don’t. To learn more about Julie and her work go to: https://www.halcyontherapygroup.com To learn more about what we are up to outside of this podcast, visit us at NicoleKalil.com

I'm going to give you a little sneak peek into today's episode so you can prepare yourself for the awesomeness that's about to occur. Women also have a really hard time even saying what they have enjoyed in the past. If they had more time, what would they want to do? So it's not just that we're not doing it. It's also that we're not even sure at this point what we enjoy and what would make us happy. Life is full of paradoxes. Two seemingly contradictory or opposed statements can both be true. Like the more you fail, the more likely you are to succeed, or the more you learn, the more you realize how little you actually know. The harder you try to keep

someone, the further you'll push them away. The only constant is change and so forth and so on. But on today's episode of This is Woman's Work, I want to focus on a paradox that I consider to be exceptionally damaging in today's day and age. One that I think most of us are living consciously or unconsciously, and it's messing with our overall happiness, our joy, even our contentment. And it goes something like this. The more choices you have, the less satisfied you are with each one. Because let's face it, we live in a time of abundance. We have more available to us today than ever before. We are more connected. There's a plethora of options at our fingertips, and yet so many of us are unsatisfied. No matter what we have, we feel we should have more or better. We've become insatiable.

In this unprecedented era of abundance, we can get no satisfaction. And that paradox is hurting all of us, regardless of gender. But I think for women, there's an additional nuanced way it's wreaking havoc on our lives. The more options we have, the more we feel we're supposed to do, and it's freaking exhausting. So let's dive in and discuss because I know this is impacting me, and I imagine I'm not alone in that. I've invited Dr. Julie Landry, board-certified clinical psychologist, former army officer, and founder of a thriving concierge mental health practice to join us today. Julie works with high-level executives, professional athletes, healthcare professionals,

and their partners to provide comprehensive and concierge mental health care with an emphasis on optimizing wellness and performance. Julie, thank you so much for being here and for the incredible work that you do. My first question, is it possible to clone you and spread you out across the world? This is so needed right now. Thank you. That's very flattering. Yeah, there are lots of people doing very similar work. So I'm excited to be able to provide the resource and to help other people figure out if it's not working with me and they need some help where they can get it. Yeah. Amazing. Okay. So let's talk about this feeling of being unsatisfied in the Western world. At least the vast majority of people have our basic needs met like food and shelter. So why do so many of us feel like we aren't enough and that

we don't have enough? Yeah. So how much time do we have? I think, you know, the list goes on and on. There are, I, you know, especially for women, like you were saying earlier, so societal norms and sort of pressures that we see through media, through social media, and that all has a huge impact on us. There's lots of sort of behaviors as well, right? So as we have started to acquire more things for lots of us, this means that we are staying indoors rather than going outside so that we can use these things. It also means that we are much less active compared to what people probably have been in the past. It means that we have more time to get stuck in these sort of negative thoughts instead of taking action and going out and doing something.

And it also means that we isolate more. I think for lots of people, especially younger people, but for everyone, social media is fantastic in so many ways. Having the news at our fingertips at every second of every day. But it means that we feel connected through those platforms or connected to people in that way, as opposed to real connections, face-to-face, having a conversation with somebody. Yeah. So all of that resonates with me. It's funny. I feel like now we work out more, but oddly are still less active than previous generations. So that one, when you said

it, that thought jumped into my mind. You talked about social media and spending more time indoors and having more things. Are we seeing this across the globe or is this an American thing or a societal thing? Are there differences and nuances in this overall experience? Yeah, absolutely. So the Western world definitely shares these similarities in terms of marketing and the way that we're sort of living our lives. There are cultural nuances within that, even in the Western world, obviously. But I think what you and I are talking about today is very sort of American. Yeah, it seems that way. It's interesting how sometimes I observe people of other cultures that have so much less yet seem to have more joy,

more happiness, more contentment. Again, back to that paradox. Okay. So I want to hone in on advertising media and social media. You've already brought them up a little bit. I made the decision to kind of step back from social media. It just doesn't feel like a healthy place for me. And I agree with this idea that we are more connected, but in a totally different way. So what parts are advertising and media and social media playing specifically in the messaging that we will be happy if we get more or better? So that's the first part. And then the second part, how do we protect ourselves from this onslaught of messaging that we see everywhere we look? Yeah. So what role is media played? So whenever a company, a business is trying to sell something that is really the underlying message

for the most part, right? If you just have this one more thing, you'll be happier, thinner, you'll have a better relationship. You'll be more confident. Yeah. Get that promotion, right? The list goes on and on. So that is very much an angle, especially again in our society. And I suspect that it will continue, unfortunately, right? You know, people complain a lot about millennials and in different ways, but millennials, I think, may actually save us from this piece of what we're discussing in some regards. So this idea of living with less, I think, is sort of trendy and catching on amongst that generation. So I hope that is the case. It also makes me think of climate change concerns about using the Earth's resources.

And, you know, it's not something that we can come back from. So having some of these ideas, I think in the forefront of our minds can be helpful, not just in terms of how we take care of the planet and society, but especially how we take care of ourselves and each other. I think that's incredibly important. And I agree with this idea that, you know, companies try when they're selling you something or influencers, or, I mean, you fill in the blank, everybody knows what people want. They want more happiness. They want more contentment. They want more career opportunities. They want more money. They want more confidence. And so, you know, it stands to reason that they're going to position whatever it is they're trying to sell. So we basically need to see it for the con that it is. This might be a strange question, but what do we actually need to feel satisfied? Yes. So we need a lot less of the things, right. And more focus on what makes us feel good. I find this so interesting. This happens all the time with, especially with my

female patients, but you know, I'll ask, what do you do that makes you happy? And there's always a pause. Sometimes people come up with sort of these can responses, what, you know, sort of we think would be expected for us to say, right? Well, my family makes me happy. I enjoy my work. It's like, well, yes, but what do you do that is just for you? What do you do for fun? What do you do that you enjoy? And people can't come up with anything. So it's a combination of they're not doing anything, right? So that is, is not sort of in anybody's mind. How do I enjoy myself? How do I have a good time? Instead, it's how do I make myself happy in these ways that society tells me I will be happy or that will make things better. And women also have a really hard time even saying

what they have enjoyed in the past. If they had more time, what would they want to do? So it's not just that we're not doing it. It's also that we're not even sure at this point, what we enjoy and what would make us happy. So one of the things I would say about that is some soul searching, figuring out anything that you've enjoyed in the past is a great place to start. You'll probably still enjoy it now. I always tell people it doesn't take a lot of time, really, right? So this is 10 minutes a day.

You can figure out how do I do something that I enjoy, whether it's watching funny cat videos, whether it's calling your sister, whatever it is, but something that every day you think, oh, this feels really good. I'm doing it just for me. Now I feel happier. Okay. So a couple follow-up questions. How do we distinguish between something that gives us joy, like sustained happiness versus a quick dopamine hit? Because somebody might go, well, buying shit on the internet makes me feel good. But I don't think that that's actually what we're talking about here. Like for me, reading brings me absolute joy.

And it's sustained. The question is, how do we tell the difference? Yes. Yeah. So I think your example. So find something online versus reading, right? So both are going to activate the reward, the brain's, uh, rewards in our pleasure circuit. Right. And so we are going to get that dopamine hit our brain is based in serotonin and then

suddenly, yes, we are happier, but is it sustained? So for some of us buying stuff on the internet is going to make us happy, right? If we are thoughtful about what we're buying, we have a plan for how to use it. But if we're thinking about people that, you know, I, um, on Instagram, for example, there may be, you know, something you say, Oh, wow. Like, you know, I'm let me buy that. And then you get your credit card bill maybe later and don't feel so fantastic about it. So anyway, it's a long winded way of saying, I think it's very individualistic. I think part of it again, goes back to that very basic, what is going to make me happy? What brings me joy? What

makes my soul sing? And, and it may take sort of some experimentation too, right? So some people tell me like, oh, I'm going to try, I don't know, some sort of exercise class or whatever. And then they figure out, well, I actually hate working out and I probably didn't think that I did like it, but that's what everybody does, right? We all work out now. It's a thing that we're supposed to do. Or I'm going to practice meditation. People tell me this all the time. I, you know, I've been trying

meditation. I hate it. I don't want to sit still. I don't want to breathe. I want to do something else. So trying different things and finding out what you do like, what brings you joy, what is something that carries you over? Yeah. I think you're exactly right about that. I could like jump through the screen and hug you right now. And nobody can see this, but on my little sticky notes where I write notes as you're talking, I wrote supposed to, because that was going to be my second question is I think as humans, we have this idea of what we're supposed to find joy in or what we're supposed to carve out time for. And I have found personally how often that actually

does the opposite. It actually increases my dissatisfaction because I'm doing it. This is going to sound really strange, but even sometimes the idea of practicing gratitude when it's forced or like from a supposed to lens. So how do we distinguish between the, I'm doing this because I'm supposed to versus I'm doing this because it actually lights me up from the inside? Yeah. So, so taking some time to sort that out, I think is important. People supposed to is, is a big one. Should is also this huge idea that we have. And I agree it's, it's women more than men, because I think society tells women, especially our society tells women what we should and shouldn't do, right. Should and shouldn't be. And so that can be internalized in such a way that we don't know the difference. So thinking

that through trying things to see, right? Like, is this something that's for me? Or is this something that is for someone else? I always tell people to, to, to sort of write out, like, what is it that you're after? What do you want? Right? Is it that you think the way for you to build joy is going to an exercise class, but maybe it's not the exercise you're after. Maybe it's the connection, right? So if we think of those of us that are spending all of our time working from home, we may not have any social interactions outside of our immediate family on a day-to-day basis. So this is a way that you can increase social connection. So maybe that's what somebody is actually after as opposed to

the exercise. My coach has been asking me a lot lately, what's the experience you're looking for? And I think that's what you're saying here is it might not be the thing or what, you know, the supposed to reason there might be an experience that you're looking for and being conscious of that will help you kind of. So like if the experience I'm looking for is to feel relaxed, restored, refreshed, I might choose a completely different thing than if my goal is to feel connected or energized or whatever. So it's such a powerful question. I know you have talked about the five things any of us can do to address the feelings

of not having enough or being enough. Basically five things any of us can do to increase our overall satisfaction. Will you share those with us? Yeah, absolutely. So I just mentioned a social interactions connection. So that is always my first one is building relationships or maintaining relationships and in a meaningful way. So earlier you were talking about social media, you know, that is

a great way to keep up with your cousin and see her new baby and sort of what everybody's kids dress up as for Halloween. But it's probably not sort of that meaningful social interaction that we truly crave. There's something different there. So not saying you have to give up the social media, but connecting with people outside of that is fantastic. If you are doing that over a phone call or through Zoom, even text messaging is better than social media because at least it's sort of this back and forth interaction. But really face to face is is huge. And we should all be doing a lot more of that. So that would be my first one. You mentioned gratitude earlier. That is something I always talk about as well for several reasons. I'll be brief about this, but so one thing that gratitude does,

practicing gratitude, is it helps us focus on the positive instead of just the negative. It helps us focus on I have. I'm grateful for these things I have as opposed to I'm unhappy because I have all of these unmet wants and needs and desires, right? So that's part of it. It brings us focused back to the positive. Another piece of it is the here and now. So if you are thinking about what you're grateful for that happened today, it is going to be things that are present as opposed to the things, again, that you want or that you're longing for or that you don't have right now. And so that can be really helpful too. And then just remembering that you do have all of these things, right? So this idea of abundance, part of that is acquiring more and more and more and it increases, right?

So like once you have, I don't know what a super great car would be, but it's right. So I have a Volvo. Maybe that's like at first it's like, oh, you know, I want this Volvo. I get this Volvo. But now I want a Porsche or I want, you know, whatever the next best thing is, as opposed to being really content with this great car that I already have and I get to drive around it or whatever it is. So another big one is helping others. So this can be figuring out ways to give back to your community. So you can go and volunteer at the food bank, for example,

this could be your elderly neighbor that has trouble bringing their trash cans in every Tuesday. So you can help them do that. And it's just sort of sharing what you have with others. So, again, sort of this gratitude, realizing what you do have, maybe what others don't have, and then be able to to share them with other people, I think. And also there's a sense of sort of confidence that goes along with that. Something, you know, I this is something that I can do, right? Like I have this unique skillset or ability, or, you know, just that I'm giving my time to somebody else. And we're also concerned about time. So sharing that with other people is pretty special, right? Meditation we talked about earlier. So this can be different things. I don't necessarily

mean sitting deep breathing, trying to not have any thoughts. People struggle with that a lot. So it could be guided imagery. It could be, um, I don't know if you run or do yoga. Uh, for me, I find those much more meditative than just trying to sit with my legs crossed. And it brings me a lot of clarity and sort of this quiet contentment. I also want to say any of these things, if you can sort of mix them up, right? So you can go do volunteer work and build relationships with the people that you're helping

and the other people volunteering. For meditation, if I run outside, I definitely enjoy that and feel better afterwards than if I run inside on a treadmill because I get that hit of sunshine and fresh air. So trying to sort of maximize these things as well, I think is helpful and a good idea. And then we also talked about this earlier, but just doing things that you enjoy. So more of the things you enjoy and less of the things that you don't.

We all spend a lot of time doing things that we do not enjoy doing. And it's because we should do them or we're supposed to do them. And there's probably some truth to that, right? So we do have to pay our bills or go grocery shopping or some of these things that most of us probably don't enjoy too much. But there are also things that we do that we probably don't have to do. So if I don't enjoy the PTA, do I really have to participate? And it turns out the answer is no. And I feel great about that. So trying to make decisions for yourself that, you know, will bring

you happiness, will bring you this sense of joy, Just not doing them sometimes can feel really good as well. So much good stuff in there and all very powerful. And what I love about it is it's simple. It might not be easy, but it is simple. And any one of us can do any of those things. I don't enjoy working out. I hate running. I used to joke around. I'd only run if something was chasing me, but I have learned that it is very meditative. In fact, the only reason I want to run is because what happens in my mind, the clarity, the aha moments that happen when I'm moving in that way, that also happens for me in the shower or a bath. So I like, again, the reminder that there are lots of ways to do this and maybe our opportunities to test some things out, even if you think you're going to hate it, like

running for me, and see what happens and decide from there. OK, I want to close out with my last question, which is to acknowledge that there are people who don't have their basic needs met. What do you feel is our part to play in that? And in your opinion, can we be truly satisfied if we don't in some way address this disparity? Yeah, that's a great question. So again, I think it probably comes down to individual. So are there those of us that could be happy if we do not help out and assist with this? I don't know. I think those people would probably say yes or think so. It makes me think of blinders, right? So it's like, if I only focus on what I'm doing and what's

in front of me, then I don't have to see all of these other things that are going on around me. There's some, you know, sort of protection involved with that, almost a defense mechanism, the avoidance or the denial. I, I suspect though, um, people that sort of drop those blinders and do get more involved probably are happier, more content in general. It's a really satisfying feeling to do something for other people, especially like true altruism. So doing something that maybe somebody who doesn't even thank you for, cause they have no idea that you're doing it. It can be super simple things, right? If, if you're going through the line and Starbucks, this used to be really popular buying the drink for the person behind you. Maybe that makes you feel really good. Maybe letting somebody cut you in line because they're obviously very rushed and frantic and you know, you can tell that

they're frazzled to help you with that. But yeah, I, I guess the majority of us, the vast majority of us, my assumption would be that we would feel better about ourselves. We would feel better about life in general. If we took action and did something, we didn't talk much about ourselves. We would feel better about life in general. If we took action and did something, we didn't talk much about that. I know we're at time, but you know, taking action is often the answer to a lot of problems, right? So if I'm feeling super anxious, the way to address that is to actually do something as opposed to sitting in my anxiety and continuing to just amp myself up. I think this is the same, right? Thinking about how to help other people doing something is where we get started and how to make a difference. It's how we'll feel better. I think it's contagious too, right? So if you,

you know, invite somebody to go do something with you or your neighbor sees you helping your other neighbor, they're more inclined to help as well. It sort of normalizes it. It becomes something that we're all kind of doing. And so it's easy to share and easy, I think, to get behind and support. I couldn't agree more. I, in my work, say that action is the number one confidence builder. And I think sometimes I can get overwhelmed with how, like, if I go into it thinking I'm going to fix the problem, it's too big, but it's just doing something. It's that one sometimes small step. And I fundamentally believe we're all connected. So I'm with you. I'm sure there are people who can be happy and satisfied, but I think the vast majority

of us struggle, at least it's a contributing factor to our feeling of being unsatisfied, knowing the disparity that surrounds us, even in this country when we have so much. Julie, thank you. If you are listening in and you want to learn more about Julie and her work, check out her website, drjulielandry.com. We'll put this in show notes as well as a couple other websites that she has if you want to dig deeper into what she's doing. Julie, thank you for being here today and for doing this incredibly impactful and important

work. You are appreciated. Thank you. Thanks for having me. All right. I'm going to close us out with another couple of paradoxes. Thank you. Thanks for having me. So friends, build and maintain the relationships that serve you and then serve and share your gifts with others. Choose and practice gratitude.

Slow down and be where your feet are and do more of the things that light you up from the inside and less of the things that don't. All of that sounds like woman's work to me.