This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 153 / Eating Your Feelings with Jessica Procini

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

Jessica has this to say about emotional eating: “Overeating is a REJECTION of Self. It is a moment of self-betrayal. In order to truly heal your relationship with food, you must address the fundamental disloyalty towards yourself.” UGH. I WISH I would have heard THAT earlier in my life. While I don’t fall into the emotional eating trap as often as I used to, it’s something I still need to be mindful of, especially when I’m stressed, hurt or angry. Because loyalty to myself is at the top of my priority list… I hope it’s on yours too. Jessica Procini, is the founder of Escape From Emotional Eating®, and has been helping women heal the roots of their emotional eating so they can embody their full potential. She created this unique process grounded in a decade of research, a background in the Psychology of Eating, Transformational Coaching methods, and her own personal emotional eating journey, so her clients can learn to use food as a nourishing asset rather than a self-destructive way to cope, soothe and escape their busy, stressful lives. Before we can heal our relationship with food and eating, or whatever it is that YOU do that fills a void or masks a feeling temporarily but ultimately has you feeling WORSE about yourself, we must heal ourselves. And healing ourselves is an ongoing, never ending, journey. No one else can do it for you. Nothing else will heal you, except you. Connect with Jessica and resources: Website: www.escapefromemotionaleating.com Free Quiz: www.innerwork.me LI: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jessicaprocini/ To join Nicole’s pod (to get all the inside scoops, free stuff, and the occasional rant), click here

Thank you so much for joining us. about. It has been a default for me when I felt stressed, sad, lonely, and even angry. It has soothed me, filled me up, and helped me feel better until it didn't. Have you ever experienced anything like that? Something that makes you feel great temporarily, but when the good feeling wears off, you somehow end up feeling worse. Yeah, me too. And while I've made progress over many years, that thing for me has been emotional eating. I used to eat my feelings instead of feeling them. Snacks, fried food, chips, wine, and lots of cheese were my go-tos when I had emotional needs to fill or stress to handle and somehow thought that filling my stomach would accomplish the same thing. And not shockingly, the feelings never went away because I hadn't done anything to

acknowledge or work through them. And on top of that, I ended up adding guilt and shame into the mix after overeating, which I then counteract with starving myself to lose the inevitable weight gain until the feelings got so big I had to feed them again. And that was the dysfunctional roller coaster I found myself on for most of my late teens to early thirties. Our guest today has this to say about emotional eating. Overeating is a rejection of self. It is a moment of self-betrayal. In order to truly heal your relationship with food, you must address the fundamental disloyalty towards yourself. I wish I would have heard that during those points in my life. While I don't fall into the

emotional eating trap as often as I used to, it's still something I need to be mindful of, especially when I'm stressed, hurt, or angry, because loyalty to myself is at the top of my priority list. So let's dive in. Jessica Prosini is the founder of Escape From Emotional Eating and has been helping women who strive for excellence, like us, heal the roots of their emotional eating so they can embody their full potential. And she's been doing that for more than 10 years. She created this unique process grounded in a decade worth of research, a background in psychology of eating, transformational coaching methods, and her own personal emotional eating journey. So her clients can learn to use food as a nourishing asset rather

than a self-destructive way to cope, soothe, and escape their busy, stressful lives. Jessica, thank you so much for being here. I want to kick us off by asking, what are the signs that we should be looking at? How do we know when we're eating our feelings? Such a small question with a big answer. So I think a great place to start is where we are seeking peace or change from food. When we are using food as a way to change or alter how we feel, or even this feeling of like powerlessness. Oftentimes people say to themselves, there's nothing I can do about this, this being the situation that they're in. So I might as well eat, or they might say something to themselves along the lines of like, food is really my only joy in life. So I might as well eat. When food starts to become a crutch, an unhealthy coping mechanism is where we really want to lean in and get curious

rather than judging and shaming ourselves because there's just a wellspring of information when we're willing to unpack and untangle our relationship with food. Okay. So this is maybe an add on to that question, but I personally believe there is such a thing as eating for pleasure. So I think of pizza as an example. I used to binge eat pizza because I was eating my feelings and I had a bad day and I, you know, needed something to feel good. And then for a while I made pizza bad, like pizza was the problem, but pizza isn't the problem. I can enjoy pizza today and not be emotional eating. So all of that to say, how do we recognize the difference between when we're emotional eating

versus eating for nourishment or for pleasure? And how do we not make the food bad? Yes. So one of the symptoms that we are emotionally eating and it's a self-destructive habit is where number one, you have no idea or just not in touch with your physical satiation. So for me, when I was an emotional eater, I felt hungry all the time, even after I just ate. So that was a specific symptom that often reveals itself for emotional eaters and emotional eaters who are eating in a self-destructive cycle. The other thing is where you may know when you're satiated,

but you will plow right past it. And there can be a litany of reasons why it can often show up as like, oh, just one more bite or, oh, we only have pizza, you know, on Friday. So let me just really indulge. So we could come up with all these excuses as why to override our bodies. But at the core, the overriding is the issue. Where things get tangled is and where our relationship with food is out of alignment is where we are putting emotions first with whatever and fill in the blank, if we're reaching for food for an emotional reason first and not taking into account or not even really connected to what is also going on physically for ourselves, like, are we even really hungry? That's when we run into issues. And I think a lot of people haven't really been taught that we have physical bodies and we have emotional bodies and they exist within the same body, but they speak very different languages.

They have very different needs and they also have very different limits and what is truly an integrity with them. So we do want emotions and feelings present in a healthy way during an eating experience, right? That's part of being human. We can't leave our emotions checked at the door. But when our emotions are leading the behavior, when they are driving the bus and the bus feels like it's going insane, that's when we have a problem. It brings to mind an expression my coach uses a lot, and it goes like this. It's okay to

have your feelings. Your feelings shouldn't have you. And that's what I was thinking about when you were talking. It's like, yes, of course, we're going to have our feelings and they're ever present. But if your feelings are in the driver's seat, as far as what and how much and, you know, that you're putting into your face, then that could be the problem. And I really, really liked you pointing out, you know, the physical things that get overrided when you're emotional eating. Cause I know the difference when I'm eating pizza for an enjoyment versus eating an entire pizza because I seemingly never get full. Okay.

So I think a lot of people think that the primary downside of emotional eating is the weight gain, but I loved the quote that you had shared that I mentioned earlier about it being disloyal to ourselves. What are some of the things we should really be worried about as it relates to emotional eating besides weight gain? Well, I specifically work with women who strive for excellence. So they have a lot on their plate and they have a lot of responsibilities. So one of the things that is not really quantifiable necessarily, or you can't see it with your eyes is just the amount of energy it robs. Emotional eating will rob you of so much energy, precious energy that you could be putting towards other areas of your life, like being fully present with your kids or clients, creative energy, whether it's energy

to generate more money in your business or take your business to the next level, or even just energy to connect with your loved ones. I think one of the biggest like sucks that emotional eating does is it just is a complete trash of your energy. It's energy put towards destroying yourself when it needs to be put towards supporting yourself. So that's number one. Another piece of it is really about being present. So a long time ago, I was living in New York City at the time. And this was a time where my emotional eating was like, really intense, because I didn't know how to cope in a healthy way with the intensity of New York. I mean, there's just something going on all the time. And I remember friends of mine going and I going to Central Park and just wanting to go back to my apartment the entire time. I just remember it was like the worst decision, whoever made the decision to go to Central Park.

And then years later, after I had healed my emotional eating, I find myself back in New York for work and going to Central Park and having this moment of euphoria being like, this park is amazing. It is beautiful. I can't believe the amazing resource that New York City has having this park in the middle of their city. Like I was just in such awe. And I was having this realization that I used to live here. I used to frequent this park and I couldn't appreciate all that it had to offer because I was so entangled in an unhealthy coping cycle that where fast forward today, like I can actually receive and recognize and be aware of, of all that it has to offer. And I think that literally sums up what life is like when you're in the emotional eating cycle

versus when you're not, it's just like, you're not really living. So I experienced that too, is like gratitude seemed harder. Appreciation seemed harder because I was so fixated on this unhealthy cycle that I found myself in. I don't know why, but this quote came in, popped into my head as you were talking. And it says something to the effect of, if you don't choose to make time for your wellness, you'll be forced to make time for your illness. And I think that that is true physically, but I also think that's true as

it relates to our mental health. And when we don't choose to acknowledge and, and deal with our feelings, our emotions. They go somewhere in our body. They get stored, you know, and, and it creates, whether it be physical illness or mental illness or, or, you know, bigger problems than if we would have just handled them in the first place. And I think that that too, for me was one of the real downsides is it just kept getting worse. Yeah. And, and you're right. The energy has to go somewhere because emotions are energy. And what happens is they get stuck in our bodies. They'll get stuck. Um, one of the ways is we've been talking about is excess weight. So it doesn't matter how healthy you eat, right? It's like your body will put on almost like an insulation, especially if it's not

feeling safe. And this is also especially true for people who are sensitive. It is like, especially during times of intensity, they can even gain weight without even changing anything that they're eating because of the amount of energy that is literally stuck on them. And what happens through my work with my clients is that we start not only giving that energy a healthy place for relief and release, but it's also about letting go of the weight of the world that they're carrying literally on their bodies. While that can manifest and does manifest physically, it also manifests energetically as well. As we were kind of talking about earlier where everything just feels harder. You'll also notice that everything feels heavier when you are not processing, when you're not letting go. And I always tell my clients, because we've been talking about the physical body and the emotional body. And I tell my clients, like, just like our physical body

has to go to the bathroom every single day to be healthy, to maintain homeostasis, our emotional body has to go to the bathroom too. But we have been socialized to stuff it down, keep it in, stay quiet, do that in isolation. And that has created these unhealthy coping cycles and unhealthy coping always has to do with a self-silencing. So part of the healing process is how do we get it up? How do we get it out? How do we get it and move through it so that it's not sticking to our bodies and then manifesting later on like illness or disease? There is so much power in everything you just said. And if it were easy, everybody would be doing it. And yet it is necessary and important and valuable work. My next question, I am debating whether or not to even ask it. My team might edit it out because there are so many women that I interact with that fall

into these categories. And somebody listening might think that I'm talking about them specifically, but there's so many people. So we talk about emotional eating. That was sort of my go-to, but there are other ways people may be using food to avoid feelings or other things that may be more acceptable in today's day and age because they look healthy. They're just being used in an unhealthy way. So I bring to mind things like extreme dieting, like lots of detoxes. I see people who are detoxing all the time and I'm like, what is going on that you need

to detox every 15 days? Like that's a problem or obsession with exercise movements and exercise is healthy, but can be used in unhealthy ways. Or even people who are rigorous about their nutrition and won't put anything that's deemed, and I put narrow quotes, unhealthy into their body. There's so many ways that this is coming out. So is this an example of unhealthy coping mechanisms, even though it looks healthy? Yes. So I really appreciate you bringing this up because we can cope in an unhealthy way with not just food. For my clients, overeating also gets entangled with overworking, overdrinking, and overresponsibility. So that with overeating, we've got, we've got our work cut out for us. So then the main thing of, of whatever you choose to cope in an unhealthy way, again, unhealthy coping includes self-silencing is we want to be looking at those overs of where you're overdoing it. And I really, I really do not enjoy the everything in moderation because that just puts this assumption that

everything for everyone or one size fits all when that is so not true. That there can be certain foods that don't align or people can't digest. So that doesn't mean that they should be eating them. So again, we kind of have to go back to like, what is in integrity for you? What is in integrity for the individual? We have to know what is too much, what is not enough so that we can really start to align ourselves with the just right. And I think this is true, especially for those coping habits or those coping mechanisms that are socially acceptable, like eating, drinking, working, responsibilities, et cetera, but where there's definitely a tipping point and there's like a diminishing return on investment. We need to be looking at those and really evaluating

per person. And I believe this is what our responsibilities as adults and human beings needs to be is like, okay, where have I gone to in the too much and where maybe I even be in the not enough. And what is my sweet spot? Because anything used against ourselves is unhealthy. Okay. There's a lot of good things that I kind of want to circle back on. You said like, just right. And then something else you said led me to just right for you. Just that loving reminder that we're all unique, different human beings. And what might be just right for another person may be something different that's just right for you. And our mission, should we choose to accept it, is to figure that out for ourselves. You also mentioned sort of the over,

like we need to check in with ourselves. When are we overdoing anything, even if it's a healthy thing, because the over, and I'm gonna add the word, the control part that a lot of us gravitate to is a problem. Sure, it, a healthier problem. If you're only ever controlling that organic vegetables go into your body. Great. That's better than only ever eating McDonald's. I get it. And it's still a problem. It's still the over part that we might want to be paying

attention to. You also mentioned the everything in moderation, you know, this one size fits all, I am just adamantly opposed to all one size fits all solutions, but I'll also add in, I don't really like this all or nothing approach. I see very often, of course, if dairy bothers you don't eat dairy, or if you have a gluten intolerance or allergy, then don't like, I get that. Like that's a different, it brings to mind people who are doing really full pendulum swings. I invite all of us to question when we swing the pendulum really hard, are we just switching our control to something else? Are we switching our over to another thing? Thoughts or reactions on that? Well, the overeating and then the restrict cycle, they go together. So if we're overeating,

most likely somewhere along the line or somewhere in the following days, there's going to be a massive effort to try to restrict, whether it's eating less or over exercising or things like that, to try to even out how far you've gone off the rails before. And that literally creates a cycle of insanity because you're just ping-ponging from one extreme to the other. With my clients and something that I deeply believe in is that where we want to align ourselves is with what I call eating for integrity, kind of like what we've been talking about, the knowing when enough is enough, knowing that sweet spot where your needs, particularly physical needs are taken care of and it's time to move on, whether

it's from a meal, from a workday, from a meeting, whatever. When we get into these ping pongs of the all or nothing or binge restrict or overdoing, underdoing, it's just not sustainable. Anyone who's ever experienced it can, can vouch for that. It's just not a sustainable approach to really anything, particularly when it comes to our health, because whenever we are operating at extremes, we're putting the body under unnecessary amounts of stress. And basically on a mental level, what you are reinforcing is that you are not safe, you are not secure, and there's something wrong with you. And that is like the mindset that gets reinforced whenever you're operating from that all or

nothing. A lot of times people will try to abstain from things that they feel like they don't have either the willpower or the discipline or the control to be able to align themselves in a place of integrity. As you were talking about in your experience with pizza, you are at a place now in your relationship with pizza where you can take it or leave it. I believe the true freedom and peace when it comes to food. And I would say most things is knowing what that point of integrity is for you and then being able to take it or leave it. Another example would be like, I used to be addicted to cheese straight up, like period. Now I don't eat cheese anymore because I learned that I actually have an intolerance to dairy. So I can go to wherever I want to go, whether it's out to eat

people eating pizza, things like that, cheese parties, um, and just have no attached, like, it doesn't mean anything to me anymore where back in the day, if cheese was present, it had to be in my mouth. So these are just some, some examples that it's not about the, what we're doing. It's really about the why and understanding what we need, what is an integrity for us and really being in full ownership with that. Because again, one size doesn't fit all our health definitely is not an all or nothing thing. And we have to learn what is in that place of alignment and integrity for each one of us, because it'll look different. So this is still very much a work in progress for me, but I think the thing that you said that resonated the most with me personally is where I could find integrity with, you know, I'm fortunate enough that I really don't have much in the way of food sensitivities or anything that really bothers my stomach or anything like that.

And I've been tested for everything. And that was the biggest part of my journey is to figure out what's in integrity for me. How many drinks is enough drinks? Okay. For me, that's two. How many pieces of cheese do I need to eat to enjoy it and not feel full or hate myself later? And I have still moments where I swing maybe one or the other, but I feel like that pendulum

is starting to level out a little bit for me where I'm finding the just right for me thing. And that's the journey I intend to stay on from this point forward. Okay. I want to ask two more questions and I know they're not quick questions, but one of the pieces of your work is uncovering the roots of somebody's emotional eating. So what might be some of the examples of the root of emotional eating? Yes. So the roots came from over a decade of research and looking at hundreds of case studies and pulling together patterns and really drilling it down to what is the common thread here? What is the common driver that is driving the emotional eating cycle? So the roots themselves actually have nothing to do with food. So it's not like,

oh, you're addicted to sugar. Oh, you didn't drink enough water yesterday. That's such a surface level. And in the roots, we go so much deeper. So one of the roots of emotional eating, just for example, is self-abnegation. So this is where a person would sacrifice themselves or their needs so they don't ruffle anyone else's feathers. This is often sometimes called people pleasing, but it is really from that. I'm not going to speak up. I'm not going to say what my preferences are, what my needs are, because I can already sense it's going to have a negative reaction. You do that enough times and you wake up one morning and you're like, this isn't, this isn't the life I've wanted. This is like, how did I get here? So that's just one example of the four

roots. But the beauty is that we cut through a lot, a lot of crap and a lot of surface drama to be able to get to, okay, what is the unhealthy mode of operation? And let's get to work on changing it to be a healthier mode of operation. And that then translates to freedom from emotional eating. Amazing. If you're listening and you identified with what Jessica was saying as it being a people pleaser, we have an amazing episode that we released a few weeks back on, on the topic of people pleasing is so fricking good. So go listen to that and then circle back here. My last question, how do you escape from the trap of emotional eating? What are some key steps if you recognize this is something you're doing and want

to break out of that? So the first thing that I recommend is building emotional fitness. This is something, this is like step one, phase one that I take with each and every one of my clients because it's called emotional eating for a reason. So we need to tend to the emotions. We need to tend to the things that are driving the unhealthy behavior. So what this looks like is learning healthy tools, tools that have created things called digesting emotions and the fear flush. So when there is a rise in an emotional intensity, we have a place for that energy to go and you can get it up and you can get it out. This also helps eliminate food trances, which is a very common symptom and experience for emotional eaters of like, whoa, where did all the food go and who ate it? That's an example of a food trance.

Building emotional fitness helps eliminate that. Then phase two, step two is we get into untangling physical hunger from emotional hunger. Just like we talked about earlier, we have a physical body and we have an emotional body. Physical body has needs, so does our emotional body. And they speak two different languages. So it's about untangling it so we can know and eat when we are hungry and stop when we're full. But we can also feed our body joy and pleasure and security and freedom and peace and all the other emotional pieces that we need. And then from there, we've set the stage to really dive into the roots of emotional eating. So I highly recommend taking the quiz because you can fast track it. And we start to get into these deeper pieces that if they're not addressed, will keep an emotional eating cycle locked in.

But because we do address them here at Escape from Emotional Eating, we're able to set people up and have people truly experience long lasting freedom from emotional eating. Amazing. Okay. The quiz that Jessica just referenced will help you uncover your root of your emotional eating. And you can find that on innerwork.me. You can also find Jessica and more about her incredible work on her website at escapefromemotionaleating.com. We'll put both of those links in show notes. Jessica, thank you so much for the incredible work that you're doing

in the world and for being here today. Thank you. Okay. Listen, friends, I didn't do an episode on emotional eating because I care about women gaining weight. I don't give a shit about your extra pounds or not fitting into a certain size or whether or not somebody else would deem you bikini ready. Somewhere along the way, the message has been sent and accepted that skinny or ripped is what healthy looks like. But healthy is healthy emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and yes, physically. But physically healthy does not look just one way. We all know or see people

on social media who are skinny or ripped from going to the gym multiple times a day, somehow have tiny waists and thighs, but big boobs and butts. And some of those people are healthy and some aren't. We all know and see people who look overweight by Instagram standards, have fat on their bodies, come in different shapes and in different proportions. And some of them are healthy and some aren't. So the reason we did this episode and what I ultimately care about is twofold. First, that you are healthy. And second, that you don't reject, dishonor, or betray yourself anymore. Before we can heal our relationship with food and eating or whatever it is that you do that fills a void or masks a feeling temporarily, but ultimately has you feeling worse about yourself.

Before we tackle that, we must heal ourselves. And healing ourselves is an ongoing, never-ending journey. I'd submit to you that it's our life's work, first and foremost. Here's why. Because no one else can do it for you. And nothing else will heal you except you. You first. Because that's woman's work.