This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 158 / The Benefit Of Hindsight

Episode Date: October 4, 2023

On this episode, we’re talking about the benefit of hindsight.  Because it’s what’s missing when you’re in a tough patch, feeling confused or in the dark, carrying something that feels too heavy for you to be carrying, unsure of your next steps, or have a heart that hurts. You don’t YET know how this will work for good, how this will impact your life, how, when, or in what ways whatever struggle you’re in will have you grow, will shape you into someone better… but you get to trust that it will. Because it always has. I share some very real examples of what hindsight has taught me over the last year, as we hit the anniversary of Validation Is For Parking being released… but not just the highlights, the behind-the-scenes too. Your hindsight is on the way. I just know it. And that hindsight may just become the foresight you need for what’s coming next. To join Nicole in the ring, to help bring that simmer to a rolling boil, and to get on board with Ampliship click here And don’t forget to review our podcast! Even just tapping the 5 stars will work if you don’t have time to write a review. Click here for Apple Podcasts, click here if you listen on Spotify.

I am Nicole Kalil and I am coming to you and this is Woman's Work with the benefit of hindsight. One of the downsides of having recorded well over 150 episodes of this podcast is I start to forget if I'm saying the same things over and over. So forgive me if this is the one millionth time you've heard this, but it's something I say to myself all the time too. And repetition is the mother of all learning. So here it is again. The only thing that's missing is the benefit of hindsight. If you're in a tough patch, feeling confused or in the dark, carrying something that feels too heavy for you to be carrying, unsure of your next steps, afraid you can't handle it,

have a mind filled with doubt or a heart that hurts, I know that there's nothing that I can say to fix or solve or heal it. Only you, love, kindness, and time can do that. But I can tell you that what's missing right now in these tough patches is hindsight. That's what I tell myself. And that's what I'm telling you. There will come a time where you're looking back on not standing in this painful part of your journey. It's what I say when I can't think of anything else to say. The only thing that's missing from me, from you, from this is the benefit of hindsight. We don't yet know how this will work for good, how this will impact our lives, how in or in what ways, whatever struggle we're going through will have us grow,

will shape us into someone better. But we get to trust that it will because it always has. So I come to you today with some of that hindsight and I'm sharing it with you in hopes that it reminds you that your hindsight is coming too. It's on the way. I just know it. We're releasing this episode of This Is Woman's Work exactly one year to the day from the release of my book, Validation Is For Parking. And I think it's fair to say a lot has happened in that year. Many good things, many hard things,

some things that made me feel a little lost, a lot exhausted, and created moments where I didn't feel all that connected to my own confidence. And in all of the twists, the ups, and especially the downs, I reminded myself, as I so often do, that what was missing was hindsight. Now, I'm not suggesting that telling yourself that will make whatever you're going through less challenging or frustrating or painful, or that it still doesn't suck to experience those downs. It's just what reminds me to hold on to hope and to trust that there will come a time where

I get to the other side of these particular challenges and I can look back and see something different, something I couldn't see while I was standing in it. I hope it reminds you of that too. So I'm coming to you exactly one year from book launch, which was the professional equivalent of birthing a child for me. And I've shared in a couple previous episodes, some of the great successes and achievements that I'm super proud of, but I don't want to do that thing that we so often in life and on social media see where I only share the highlight reel, but sort of conveniently forget to mention the behind the scenes. So here we go. Validation is for Parking hit bestseller within the first day

it was released and surpassed the goal given by my publisher for the year in its first week. We had sold over 4,000 copies by November, one month in, which is pretty huge for a relative no-name first-time author like me. Okay, so that's the highlight. What about the behind the scenes? Well, in November and December, our reports showed that I'd sold a grand total of six hardcovers and two paperbacks total in those two months. In fact, all the way through May, I was in single digits of physical book sales while the Kindle edition somehow was still doing relatively well. I was confused, concerned, feeling defeated, and wondering what the hell I did wrong. I had a few friends in a couple of those months tell me that they had bought a copy, and a few

clients tell me that they'd bought massive bulk copies for their organization or the women in it. So I finally worked up the courage and asked if they would be willing to share the order details with me. All in, I got order numbers that amounted for well over 200 paperbacks and hardcovers, and the reports still showed single digits. And those were only the purchases I knew about from the people with Amazon, countless emails, customer service tickets, and people asking me if there was anything they could do to help me after not helping me with the one thing I needed help with in the first place. I considered calling an attorney. I considered chucking many things out of my office window.

I considered flipping out on many Amazon service reps, and I actually did on one, I'm sorry to say. I had to check in with myself if knowing exactly how many books I sold was worth all this angst. I had to ask myself many, many times whether the 92 cents I make on hardcover books or the less than $5 I make on paperbacks was worth the time and energy I was investing trying to figure this out. And then all of a sudden in May, book sales started showing up again. And I still have no idea what happened. So we're exactly one year from the release of Validation is for Parking. And I can tell you that I don't have the first sweet clue how many copies have been sold. And I can tell you that I don't have the first sweet clue how many copies have been sold.

And I can officially tell you that there's no money in books for most authors. And at the rate I'm going, recoup the investment I made to write the book back in book sales in the year 2045, give or take a few years. Okay, what's the hindsight? Well, as someone who likes a good fight, the bravest thing I could have done is what I did. I let go. I trusted that none of this changed anything

about what I've known to be true all along. I was meant to write this book. I did the very best I could with the experience, knowledge, and information I had when I wrote it could with the experience, knowledge, and information I had when I wrote it. And the reports, numbers, or sales didn't change anything about any of that. Knowing what I know today, would I have still written the same book? Unequivocally, without a shadow of a doubt, yes. Do I think my book was the best book ever written? Of course not. And I'm so proud that I did it. And it's out there. And there are people who are benefiting from it. So one year later,

with the benefit of hindsight, I'm glad and grateful for all of it. Another highlight reel, well, I was invited to be a guest on almost 60 podcasts over the last year, most of them in the top 5% of all podcasts globally, and a few of them in the top 0.01%. We're talking millions and millions of listeners getting to hear my voice. Pretty cool highlight reel, right? Well, let me tell you about the behind the scenes. I burnt out and I took four months off from talking about the book to anyone because I wasn't really all that sure I cared anymore. I have a few podcast episodes where I was a guest on that are out there that I know were not my best. And one of them, by the way, is in the top 0.01% of all podcasts, which still makes me cringe a little bit. I was even featured on an Oprah Daily article, and that interview might have been my worst day. I literally apologize to them and to me for not showing up at my best for such a great opportunity. Okay, so where's the hindsight? Well, the universe reminded me

again that boundaries are the ultimate form of self-care and not everything needs to be done right now or all at once. I don't have to default to yes just because I'm excited about an opportunity. I can say thank you. I'd love to, but could we do it in this way or at this time? By the way, I've started doing that. And guess what? I haven't lost a single opportunity. And the ones I have, I show up to better. And I'm human. I won't show up on my absolute best 100% of the time. And that's okay. The wheels didn't come off because a couple of not so epic podcast recordings. And I didn't get blacklisted by Oprah or anything like that. So at the end of the day, not as big of a deal as I was making it all up to be in my

own mind. And I learned some things about how I want to prepare, the environment I get to create, and the boundaries I need to have in place for myself in order for me to show up at my best, which has been a great learning. And I'm still imperfect. Thank God for that, because perfect is so very boring and frankly, super annoying and not at all as attractive as we've been led to believe to the people around you. Let me share another highlight reel. This podcast, This Is Woman's Work, grew to a top 1.5% global podcast. And I've been asked to speak on some big stages and have been given some great opportunities. My coaching business is at capacity, all with very little

effort and almost no outreach on my part in the last year. And the behind the scenes, I didn't know what I wanted to do or if I wanted to keep doing what I've been doing for the better part of the last year. It wasn't until a podcast recording in late April that I felt even a spark of interest. The hindsight, sometimes you need to be willing to burn it all to the ground to find

the spark again. And the universe delivers, even when you're not really sure what it is that you're asking for. But sometimes it takes slowing down, getting really quiet, and listening really hard to notice it. My busyness often gets in the way of me hearing and listening to my inner knowing, but she's there whispering, conspiring with God or the universe or whatever it is that you believe for my greatest opportunity. I'm reminded that sometimes we need to get a little lost in order to be found. And my last highlight reel example, I'm grateful to be in partnership with an incredibly wonderful man who is supportive of me taking almost six months mostly off and must have somewhere trusted that it would all work out. I'm privileged to be in the position where doing that

was even an option for me. I have a life that I'm proud of, a healthy kid. I get to travel to amazing places and stay in hotel snob approved hotels. And I have this amazing circle of family and friends that I love. So what's the behind the scenes? Well, even with all that I have to be grateful for, I felt mostly disconnected, exhausted, and frankly, everything felt heavy last year. Without getting into the details because, you know, privacy and it's not really anyone's business, there were some really big life events that happened. My parents divorced after 50 years of marriage. There are some very real challenges caring for my dad. I'm experiencing very much what it is to be in the sandwich generation. I'm in perimenopause, so my hormones are all over the place. I have

moments where I feel like someone set me on fire from the inside and often at not at all convenient times, like when I'm speaking and it's decidedly not appropriate for me to rip off my clothes. I'm also not sleeping well, and you know how much I value and need my sleep to function. I could go on, but you get the idea. In the midst of many things to celebrate, this has been a tough year for me mentally, emotionally, and directionally. And the hindsight is that it has been an opportunity, a parsing out for me of what really matters. It's bringing me closer to and clearer about my work, my purpose, my confidence. I find myself shrugging my shoulders more at the shoulds and the supposed tos, giving

my finger to the one size fits all, shove it down your throat approaches to success and life. I'm getting closer and closer to giving zero fucks about anything that doesn't support or serve me or what matters. I look back on the year and there's no chance in hell I'd ever want to live it again. And I wouldn't change a thing. I can see how it all happened and is happening for me, not just to me. And it sucked. And there are things that still suck. And when I have the benefit of hindsight, I can see how it served me and I choose to

be grateful for all of it. So those are some examples and some learnings. But what does this all mean for me? What has hindsight really done? What has it really changed? Well, I'd argue all the things I've already shared have been pretty big, impactful things for me. But let me share one way that this has and is continuing to make a difference. In 2022, my business had three primary focuses,

speaking, releasing my book, and coaching, in that order. I'm a big fan, by the way, of no more than three priorities, but that's another topic for another day. At the start of 2023, my business had one priority, follow through on the commitments I had already made. That's it. No goals, no focus, very little clarity. And then a conversation happened that you actually got to listen in on that became the spark that has lit something inside of me.

And just in case you're thinking I trusted and listened to my inner knowing right away and jumped in after that conversation. I didn't. I let it simmer. And I've only recently began to turn up the heat a little bit, but we're still like at low heat here because I'm taking my time and applying the lessons hindsight has brought to me. Conversation I'm talking about is episodes 136 and 137. It was that good, by the way.

I went so long that we broke it up into two episodes where Caroline Adams Miller introduced the concept of ampli-ship to me. We know about mentorship, sponsorship, and allyship, but ampli-ship, the public support of women by other women, the amplifying of women's voices, stories, achievements, businesses, books, you name it. That was the spark. I didn't know then, nor do I totally know now what that means for me, but I know that I'm supposed to do that. Women supporting women publicly. Sign me up for that. What I'm excited about is my opportunity to amplify other women's voices, to see other women on stages, hear other women's voices on podcasts, read other women's books, see other women getting the engagement and the recognition they deserve all the way from

social media to the Fortune 500. I'm excited about seeing other women get excited about other women. I'm excited about creating spaces where women are uplifted, celebrated, and elevated, where small thinking, gossip, cattiness, all that shit has absolutely no place. That's what I'm talking about here. For the first time in my business, I'm not thinking like a business owner, not leading with goals, strategies, or outcomes in making my choices. I'm leading with amplanship. I'm listening to my heart and trusting

that my mind will step in when it's needed. Because one of the other things hindsight has made clear for me is that I never wanted to be the face of anything. I'm not an influencer and I don't want to be one. I love the impact of a speaking engagement for an example, but the introvert in me has to do a lot of work to get myself up on that stage. I love this podcast, but it was always meant to be about you and not me. Frankly, I'd rather cheer for all of you from the comfort of my own home,

but I forgot that over the last few years because I got wrapped up in business goals, what success looked like for other people, and the idea that I am my business. But that's not it. You are my business. So I have a brand new top three things to focus on in my work. Number one, ampli-ship. Number two, ampli-ship. And number three, ampli-ship. It's one big, massive priority,

one umbrella that everything is falling under, including this podcast, except maybe not an umbrella because you should never bring an umbrella to a brainstorm, right? And I'm brainstorming the shit out of this idea. AmpliShip, women supporting women publicly, social media support groups like business engagement parties, getting more women on podcasts, supporting more women to launch their own podcast, masterminds, getting more women on stage, connecting more women to high-level coaches, book launch support, and many, many low-cost or no-cost opportunities to practice AmpliShip. My good friend, Claire Vitale, asked the question of me recently,

are you ready to get back in the ring? The honest answer, I'm not totally sure. I took some hits and the bruises only recently healed and I'm not sure I'm ready to get back in. Like I said, I'm at simmer to low heat right now, but maybe together we can bring it to a boil. Maybe if other women are in the ring with me, maybe if we step in and face the blows and take the inevitable hits together, it won't be so hard or it won't feel so scary. I'm not sure, but I'm willing to try. So Claire, I'm forever grateful for the question. And I think I might just be ready because I know you and so many others are already in there waiting without judgment for me to tap back in. This is a here goes nothing moment. And maybe here goes nothing is the start of everything.

What has the benefit of hindsight taught you about you? What do you know today about the challenges you face, the hardships you've overcome, or the heartbreaks you've experienced that you didn't know, that you couldn't know when they were happening. The only thing that's missing from me, from you right now is the benefit of hindsight. If you're interested in stepping into the AmpliShip ring with us, if you see yourself as the degree that gets us closer to that rolling boil, go to NicoleKhalil.com and make sure you join my community if you haven't already, or feel free to reach out to me directly. foresight? How do we take the lessons and the growth and the trust that gets created when we look back on all we've done and how do we use that to fuel our confidence for what's next? I don't have all the answers, but I do know this. I'm so very grateful for hindsight and I'm so very excited for amplanship. So here we go together because that's when we're the strongest.

This, this hindsight turned into foresight. This is woman's work.