This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 159 / Unapologetically BOLD with Vaneese Johnson

Episode Date: October 11, 2023

Let’s talk about YOU being unapologetically BOLD. I’ve asked THE Boldness Coach, Vaneese Johnson to be our guest, as she is a highly accomplished and renowned professional in the field of coaching and has established herself as a trusted expert in empowering women to claim their boldness and achieve unprecedented success. A truth teller and transformation instigator, she challenges us to step out of our comfort zones and embrace our full potential.  And you know I’m here for all of that. What REALLY matters to YOU? And are you being BOLD about it? Vaneese says “If you want a better quality of life, then update it your damn self!” (now that’s an example of being bold!) It’s time for all of us to choose boldness in the face of what matters. Connect with Vaneese and access resources: Website: https://www.theboldnesscoach.com/  IG: https://www.instagram.com/theboldnesscoach/ Book: https://www.theboldnesscoach.com/boldismsbook Download your FREE copy of 4 beliefs: https://www.theboldnesscoach.com/4beliefs

I am Nicole Kalil, your host of the This Is Woman's Work podcast. I've been known to share some of my biggest pet peeves on this show, and you know I love the occasional rant, mostly because it's cathartic to just say it, to put the thoughts and feelings out there, out loud. And I also love hearing someone rant because it makes me feel less alone and a little less crazy. I hope that that's all true for you too, but it's possible that it's just a me thing. So I also want to make sure I share the things I love the most on this show too. I want to tell you about the things that bring me to tears, that make me want to stand up and share, that make me believe that somehow it's all going to be okay, that bring me hope, peace, and joy. Sort of like a rant,

but for the good things. Can we call that a rant or is that more of a gush? I don't really know and I'm not sure it matters, but this episode is going to be about whatever we call that a rant or is that more of a gush? I don't really know and I'm not sure it matters, but this episode is going to be about whatever we call that. Because today we're going to talk about women being bold. And my God, there's nothing that inspires me more than seeing a woman choose to be bold. It fills me with pride, love, appreciation, celebration, and honestly, some feelings of protectiveness. Because I know when a woman does something bold, it's just a matter of time before someone comes along with their opinion about it. And I really want to be there to tell those people where they can shove their opinions.

I mean, seriously, if telling people off who are trying to get in the way of women doing big things was a career, I would do that. I would gladly follow bold women around and tell the haters to fuck off. But alas, that is not a career. So I do things like this instead, which is truly a blessing because every time I have a guest on the show, I get to experience this thing that I love, a woman being bold, and we get to support the shit out of her. So let's talk today about this thing I love. Let's talk about you being bold. I've asked the boldness coach, Venise Johnson, to be our guest as she is a highly accomplished and renowned professional in the field of coaching and has established herself as a

trusted expert in empowering women to claim their boldness and achieve unprecedented success. A truth teller and a transformation instigator, she challenges us to step out of our comfort zones and embrace our full potential. And you know, I'm here for all of that. Venise, I know you don't become a boldness coach without there being some sort of story or personal experience that led you to that. So I want to start by asking, what had you become a boldness coach as your life's work? You know, Nicole, so hi, I'm so super excited to be here.

I've been waiting for this moment to have this conversation with you. You know, what happened in life, like it happens to everybody else. I had a major life event. I got divorced and I got divorced. It wasn't on my schedule to get divorced. It wasn't part of my plan to get divorced, but apparently my plan doesn't matter in the bigger scheme of things. And so when I went through my divorce, I realized I had lost myself. I had put my marriage first, my business second, my dream second, my goal second, or whatever number they were on the list. And when that person was no longer around, I'm like, what the hell? Who am I and what matters and what do I do? Right?

Exactly. Because before I got married, I had all these awards and accolades and business and I had this really vibrant life. And then after I got married, I was like, shit, I got to like start over, do something like what happened? And as I was going through that transition, Nicole, and I know some of the women can identify with that, right? And it could be a loss of job, loss of relationship. It could be a major life, you know, losing loved ones, parents, friends, whatever that is, it could be something major, but it just kind of thwarts you into this space of curiosity about your own life. And so as I was pondering and walking through this and I'm like, you know, I want to get back to who I used to be or whatever the next version of who I am. What does that look like? And a friend of mine asked me this really important question. And I

just encourage every listener to ask themselves this question. If you were invited to a party, what dish would you bring that would be more reminiscent of who you really are? I said, I would want to bring the dish of boldness to a party. And so that got me to thinking, Nicole, it was like, oh, wow, I could really step into that in my own life. And if I stepped into that, I could possibly be a demonstration for other women about being bold. And as I pondered on that, I was like, well, who do I need to be in order to be, you know, make this a reality in my own life and help other women. And it was like, the spirit was like, you need to be the boldness coach.

And I was like, who walks around calling himself the boldness coach? Like that's pretty bold. That is like epically bold. That is epically, like universally bold. That is like epically bold. That is epically like universally bold. And what was so funny, I went and Googled the boldness coach. At the time, there was nobody calling themselves the boldness coach. And I was like, this is even more crazy because it's never been done before. But guess what? I signed up for it and here I am. And I am the boldness coach. I help women to high performing, high potential women to be bold, big and bad and to live a life of no permission needed. Okay. So I love that. And we're going to talk about bold, big and bad in a second. But I think first, anybody listening can

relate whether or not they've gone through a divorce or like you said, loss of job. And there's so many things. I also think of women who focus on their children and then their children get older. And there's that questioning of like, now who am I now that I'm not, you know, mom as priority number one. So I think we can all relate. I also can personally relate calling myself a confidence Sherpa or being perceived as a confidence expert. That's like, that's a big thing. Like I still get a little twitchy about it. And at the time when I started, there wasn't as many people talking about confidence. So I can relate to the scariness and that having to claim that thing in advance, right? Claiming confidence, claiming boldness before it's all caught up. Okay, so let's talk about bold, big, and bad. I know these are acronyms.

What do they stand for? So bold stands for becoming out loud daily. And becoming has to do with moving from the lower level of potentiality to the higher level of actuality. Every day we are in a state of becoming. But sometimes we're in the state of just being, which means we're just going along to get along. But becoming means that you are moving actually to the next level of your highest self. And that's what I had to shift into was to get out of the state of being somebody's wife, you know, being somebody's, you know, doormat.

You know, I had to get out of the state of being that so that I could become, step into the becoming and shift into that level. And you need to do this every day in every way. When you normally would say yes to something because that's your default and it's not what you really wanna do, I'm gonna challenge you to become who you really are around whatever that experience is

and step into your no and get used to saying that, get used to becoming that the person who honors their own time, right? Next is about being big. Big is about building in your genius. genius and go down the rabbit hole with that genius, it could exponentially shift their lives, the lives of their families, the communities, and thereby people in the world. My big genius, I talk. My big, I talk. I used to get in trouble in school and have to write lines for talking in class. Some of y'all are old school and know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm glad I got a buddy in the room with me. Right. And so I literally built my whole career, you know, off of talking my whole careers around talking. So I'm a coach. I'm a speaker. I'm an

author. I do workforce development training. I'm a facilitator. So I took my voice, my gift of my voice. And I went down the rabbit hole and everyone can do this. Identify what's your one gift. It's what you love to do. And it's what you do effortlessly. Ask yourself this question. What else can I do with this? What else can I do with this? What else can I do with this? Go down with the what else question until you run out of things that you could do with that gift that you have and that you love to do. And you're going to discover that you could monetize that gift,

whether it's in your current career or whether it's creating a business. The last part of this acronym is BAD, being audaciously daring. You have to really wake up with, I would say the characteristics and the energy of a three-year-old. Like three years, and I just want to speak to that for a second. You know, kids love their costumes, Halloween costumes, their favorite Christmas costumes, whatever it is. They are audacious

enough to wear that costume way past Halloween. They'll wear it all year until they can't fit it anymore. They want to wear it to school, the grocery store, around the house. They'll wear it all year until they can't fit it anymore. They want to wear it to school, the grocery store, around the house. They are audaciously daring to say, this is the character that I am embodying. So I am it, call me by my name, queen, or king, Spider-Man, whatever that name is. And so be audaciously daring, have the audacity to number one, show up for yourself, have the audacity to show up in rooms that you wouldn't normally go in. I don't care if there are no other women in the room. If it's the topic, a subject that you like, it's what you love, get yourself together, dress yourself up, whatever that looks like for you and show up in the room and be accounted for. Don't worry about if nobody else is there that looks like you and sounds like you. Be audacious enough to stand behind your no and to stand behind your yes. Be audacious enough to show up in your style. I wear my hair dyed red because it's part of my style.

And when I got divorced, one of the most audacious things I did was I told my hairstylist, cut my hair down, cut it down as low as we can get it and color it red and color it, you know, a red that says I'm here. And the color that we go with the color of my red is called the motherfucking red. I love it. It reminds me of something I saw recently where it says, you know, like woman paints her nails red and the husband goes, Ooh, that's sexy. And as you shift from that moment, as somebody say, you used to be that way, say, yeah, that's what I used to be, but that's not who I am now. This is who I am today. And who I'm becoming. I love that. Yes. Becoming versus being. Now I'm a big fan of being conscious of who and how you're being, but becoming takes it to the next level. There's this sort of active

choice component of it that really speaks to me. I love the question, what else can I do with this, this being your genius? And you gave a few examples. I would also add, it's probably something that has been around your whole life. It is. Right. It's just like you were talking about, you talk like this isn't a new thing. This is just something that's shown up in some way throughout your whole life. So I think looking back sometimes can help clue you in, especially if you feel like you've lost yourself or feel disconnected from what your genius might be. Well, because the culture just, you know, the culture, Instagram and other social outlets, and I'm not blaming them, but sometimes you're so visually saturated with what

everybody else is doing until it's hard for you to connect with what you, who you are, because you're trying to inadvertently do what they're doing. Nobody wakes up and says, I didn't wake up and say, I'm going to be Nicole, you know, but if I keep watching so much, you know, of this and people like you, then I'm trying to embody who they are, the persona of them versus who I am myself. So you hit it on the nail, you hit the nail on the head when you said, we have to go back and really think about those moments as we were, you know, coming through the different phases of our lives, there is a theme that's resonating within us. That is the gift that we get to now, you know, capitalize that one way or the other. I love that. Okay. Can anyone become bold or do you think this is something we're born with or born without, or it might be easier for some people than others?

Can anyone be bold? The answer is yes. So what I tell my clients is when I work with them, we're going to find your level of bold. There are different levels of bold. Mine is outright loud. I'm outspoken. I got red hair. I wear bright colors. You know, I'm just sassy. That's me, right? Even with myself walking past the mirror, like, oh girl, look at you. But there are other people, your boldness may be in your writing. Your boldness may be that you are a good support person because you can help people to see what they don't see. You may have boldness in being an active listener because you can hear what people aren't saying. You may be outwardly

bold where you do need to get a seat up at the front of the table and get away from being at the back of the room or against the wall. So it's important you find your level of boldness so that it's easier for you to step into. But if you are trying to become somebody else, this is the litmus test. If you are doing actions and activities that are not in alignment with who you truly are, there's going to be some frustration, some dis-ease and some discomfort with it. That is the indicator that you are not owning your boldness. You're trying to own someone else's. So great. And that perfectly leads me into my next question is the distinction between being bold and being rude. Or

I think sometimes I see people doing things in the name of boldness and I'm like, no, that was just your excuse to be a jerk. That's not what we're talking about here. So how, how do we differentiate between being bold or just being an a-hole? Yeah. So boldness really starts from the inner side and it's, it's based on your confidence. It's based on the confidence. It's based on self-assuredness. It is based on the knowing that you have about who you are. And boldness allows you to really be able to take a position or take a stance based on the values that are important to you while recognizing that this may not be the value or importance to other people.

And you're not trying to infringe them on other people. It's really owning that. I mean, I'm an outspoken person, but when I'm out in public, I don't speak against a lot of stuff, mostly nothing. Ain't none of my business. Has nothing to do with me. And when people approach me and say, well, Denise, I know you're outspoken and you might have an opinion on this, you know, so what do you think? And I say, I need you to be a little bit more specific about your question. I'm not sure what you mean. Like I drill people down with open-ended questions so that I can really get to what is it that you're really asking me versus because you're inviting me to join into something that I've already decided not to because I am not making any comments around it. So that's knowing, having that confidence to know who you are and where and when to insert yourself. And I'll say this too, Nicole, never be rude with your boldness because it's like misusing your powers.

I'm a really clear communicator. I'm clear in articulation. I'm clear about what I want and what I don't want. And I never force that on people and try to make them accept my boldness or to make them step into their own boldness. I just always invite people to find their level. So I applaud everything you just said as it relates to confidence, which is more of my area of interest and expertise is this reinforcement that it's internal and it's authentic to you and it aligns with what matters to you, your values. And you didn't say this, but what I heard was there's also an element of openness and curiosity when you're confident and when you're bold, you're clear on where you stand, which allows for the ability to be open and curious and interested without having to put your stuff all over everyone

else. I think that's so powerful. Yeah. I remember one time when I was doing some corporate work and I wanted a raise and I'm a certified career coach among other hats that I wear. And I had gone into the manager's office and I had said to him that I wanted to talk about getting a raise. And he proceeded to listen to me, you know, in terms of my position about the raise. And then he said to me, well, Denise, you know, thank you for coming in here and sharing it, but nobody in the company is getting a raise. And what I said to him, well, was I'm not here to represent everybody in the company.

I'm here to represent myself. And if other people aren't here to ask for what they need, that has nothing to do with me. I'm here to ask for what I need. And he was like, well, I haven't even had a raise. And I says, well, I think that's something that you get to ponder with yourself. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall. Like having the audacity, because here's the reality. Who's coming to ask me what I like a raise. Nobody's walked. The boss isn coming to ask me what I like a raise? Nobody's, the boss isn't walking around saying,

I just want to know, would you like a raise? No, I had to, I'm looking at my lifestyle. You know, my dreams have become bigger than what my paycheck was. Because I had already opened that up to the universe, Nicole, that I was going to have to continue standing in my boldness to be bold enough to find something to supplement or the next opportunity to replace that. Bold enough to let go what seemed to be comforting to me, you know, for a time period. But I had to remember my dreams of becoming

had outgrown the container that I was in. And I think that's important for women to know. We outgrow containers, you know, relationships, jobs, friendships, you know, weight. We outgrow things that are issuing us to the next level of becoming, but because it's comfortable, we stay in what's familiar to the detriment of who we need to become. And how often we do this with things that aren't actually working for us. This is the discomfort I know. It's not working for me and it's not comfortable, but it's more comfortable than the unknown. And I had a guest on recently that had a quote around, you have to let go of what you're settling for in order to create the opportunity or the space for your desires or for that next big thing. And that really speaks to me in what you're talking about as well. Yeah. Yeah. And I ended up letting that go, which ultimately created the opportunity for me to step into becoming the bonus coach. I also thought about too, and I think of this often as I move through the experiences in my life,

is what position am I taking and how can I be able to use my life experiences to be a demonstration of boldness for other women? There's sometimes I had to be boldly quiet, you know, on things that I did have an opinion about, you know, comments I could make, I had to really tap into myself and say, just because I could say something doesn't mean I should say something. It's so powerful. And again, I can relate often not saying something, not engaging, not letting myself get sucked in is me standing in the best position of confidence for me. Okay. I want to tackle one more topic that I'm really curious. I have a fairly strong opinion about it and I'm okay if you have a fairly strong, different opinion about it,

but it's under the guise of of if we think about being bold, I think a lot of times people associate that with being fearless, or we think about being confident and people associate that with not having any doubts. My experience is the exact opposite is in order to be bold, fear needs to be present or else you wouldn't be being bold. You'd just be doing something you're comfortable with or in order to be confident, in order to trust yourself, doubt needs to exist in order for you to choose that. So my question is, where do you think fear or fearlessness and boldness, you know, sort of interact or intersect? And is it actually a possibility? Is it possible that we would ever become fearless? You know, life is yin yang. You're always going

to have opposites. You have a positive, you have a negative. That's the rule of nature. There's nothing we can do about it. However, what really the opportunity to be in flow with that is how you language the experience that you are having. I don't look at fear for the sake of it being the word fear. What I look at that I rephrase that as the invitation to be in a stretch, which means that I am being invited to move from a place of possibility to the level of actuality. And possibility is the most comfortable spot for me. But being in a stretch is going to take me to the next level. So I language experiences in my life in a way that puts me in a position of heightened awareness. And it puts me in a position of seeing this as an invitation and or an opportunity to grow to the next level. Fear puts a person in survival mode because fear automatically puts you in a space of worst case scenario. And it has you operating and planning

from worst case scenario. But when I'm in the space of a stretch, it puts me in the space of possibilities. It puts me in the space of what if. What if I were to step into this opportunity, what could possibly open for me? And I invite people to have open-ended questions because open-ended questions allow you to create the space for curiosity. It allows you to create the space for, you know, other potential areas of growth, of becoming. But I just encourage people to really watch your language. If you get fearful of something and you use that language that I'm fearful and I'm scared, then automatically the universe is gonna hear like, ooh, they're afraid.

So we wanna protect them. Your ego is gonna be like, I'm not doing that because I've got too much education to do that. Why would I do something like that? Why wouldn't I stay at a place that's comfortable for me? So look at how you're languaging and experience to a point that can create an opportunity for you to grow. Everybody, I don't care if it's Oprah, I don't care if it's Beyonce. Everybody is stepping into a level of unknown in their life

as they grow through life. The question is, how will you step into that unknown? So I couldn't agree more. Words matter. And very specifically, the words we use when we communicate with ourselves. And you gave such beautiful examples there of reframing something in a way that's more empowered and more productive than the alternative way to see it or the alternative way to talk to yourself. And I just, again, I think that that's so powerful. It also reminds me that fear or doubt or failure or messiness, those are all neutral events and we're the ones bringing meaning to it. So we have some choice. And of course it's going to take practice because we've spent however many years up until this point thinking one way, right? And so any tips for when you catch yourself having

maybe a disempowered thought or using words that don't support you, how might you practice making that shift? You know, having heightened self-awareness is the key. It's the key to all of this. When you have heightened self-awareness, it's you, you can become and get into the practice of watching yourself like a hawk and really asking yourself open-ended questions. Why did I choose this? Why did I choose that? What is this really about? Why am I thinking these thoughts? Where's this coming from? So, you know, I interrupt myself because I'm keenly aware of who I am. And even thoughts that are in my head, sometimes I'll say, what are you doing, brain?

Stop it. Like you are pelting me, pelleting me with thoughts around negativity and it has nothing to do with nothing. And I'm like, I gotta go find something to do. Let me put a podcast between my ears. Let me read a book. Let me go outside and walk.

Like I have got to disrupt myself from this pattern that is allowing this to sit in my head. So, you know, get into the space of heightened self-awareness, start to really go in and learn who you are and start asking yourself open-ended questions so that you, it will evoke you to start telling yourself the truth about the experience that you're having or the thoughts that you're having or the direction that you're choosing. When you tell yourself the truth on this, Nicole, then you have an option to either continue in the behavior that you are displaying, or you have an opportunity to stop, disrupt that behavior and do a new choice. So I'm in my head all the time about simple things,

simple things like, why am I wearing this color lipstick? Why did I choose this lipstick? How does it make me feel? You know, versus something else, two major decisions. You know, if I don't do it this way, then what is that really saying about how I feel about myself? Yeah, so I just invite, you know invite people to ask the open-ended questions

as they step deeper and deeper into higher self-awareness. Well, Venise, I know you don't need my endorsement, but it is very clear to me that talking was the gift, is the gift that you've been given. And I'm so appreciative that you're using it in such a bold way. Thank you for being here today. If you're listening and you want to connect with Vinice, go to theboldnesscoach.com. We'll put that and all the other ways you can find Vinice in show notes. But when you go to her website, look for the Boldisms book. And there's also an ebook on the four beliefs that

will be really helpful in you creating your own boldness. Vinice, do you have anything to add about either of those? So the advice that I have is to really step into those bold tools. The bold ism book I created after I got divorced because I needed to disrupt my own life. So I encourage you to tap into getting the book. It has some really great introspective and reflective questions. It comes with the workbook. So not only are you asking yourself the questions, but you're journaling about what your answer is, and then it will disrupt you, your patterns to make you think about why am I doing this, right? And then also the four beliefs, because here's the reality, Nicole,

the way that a lot of us have operated our life up until now, we're still operating our lives is because we've made a belief a reality. We've made a belief fact. Fact is rocks are hard, water is wet. Beliefs are malleable and they are changeable. So I just encourage you to really look at the beliefs you have and how you've made them affecting your life and how it's affecting your life.

Step into your boldness, own it. Such impactful tools that I know I will be getting my hands on. Thank you, Venise, for those and for your time today. Okay, my friend, if you're thinking that the answer or the way to get or do what you really want is to eliminate fear or wait until you feel ready or to avoid all possibility of embarrassment, risk, or rejection, well, you're going to be waiting for a very, very long time. One thing I can tell you for sure is the bold are not waiting. The bold are shaking at the knees, stumbling over their words, their minds filled with uncertainty, heart racing, and they are stepping forward anyway. Is it any wonder why I love it so much? Why it fills me up when I see women doing bold things

and why I want to rip the faces off of anyone who dares to have judgment about her boldness. I don't always love the things that people are doing or the things that they're saying, but I can always admire the bold. So I ask you this, what really matters to you? What makes you want to rant or makes you gush? And are you being bold about it? Venice says, if you want a better quality of life, then update it your damn self. Which reminds me of one of my all-time favorite quotes that hangs where I can see it every day that says, I stopped waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel and I lit that bitch up myself. Choosing boldness in the face of what matters to you. If that's not woman's work, well, friends, then I don't know what is.

This is woman's work.