This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 168 / Breaking Free From The Busyness Trap with Teresa Vozza

Episode Date: December 6, 2023

On this episode of TIWW we talk about how to recognize the busyness trap for what it is, so we don’t get lured or accidentally fall into it, AND about getting ourselves out of it once we’ve fallen in.  I’m doing this episode for YOU, but I’m also doing it for me so I can listen to it those couple times a year when I forget everything I know and revert back to those “busyness”, “do more” tendencies of mine. I’ve invited Teresa Vozza, leadership expert, certified executive coach, former HR Executive with over 20 years of corporate experience, and 2023 Women of Influence nominee, to join us. Teresa is a passionate advocate for leading authentic, drama-free, and resilient lives and teams, as she works with leaders in the executive ranks. As you might imagine, she knows a lot about that busyness trap. What if all people want is more of YOU? What if the way to BE more is to DO less? Woman’s work is NOT about busyness, it’s about recognizing and sharing YOUR gifts – and you can’t do that from inside a trap. Like what you heard? Please rate and review  (To take advantage of the FREE opportunity to give and get support on social media thru 12/31 click here: https://nicolekalil.com/apply and make sure to choose the “Likes Only” option) Connect with Teresa and Resources: 5 Free Resources: www.teresavozza.ca Free Mini Course: https://thecrucible.teresavozza.ca/the-hustle-paradox-course LI: https://www.linkedin.com/in/teresa-vozza-chrl-cca/

we've kicked off AmpliShip, which is the public support of women on social media by creating a way to find and like each other's content. It's been uplifting, inspiring, and impactful, and you can join us for free from now until the end of December. All you need to do is click the link in show notes or head to my website, NicoleKhalil.com, click on the AmpliShip tab and apply. Make sure you check the likes only option and you will be added for free. It's a small and important way to start practicing AmpliShip because you get support and you give support. It's time for you to join the social media engagement party. I've said it before on this show, and I will say it again. I rarely run across a problem that someone doesn't try to solve with some version of

do more. I got to tell you, I'm beyond frustrated with this advice, generally and personally, because I've yet to meet a working woman who's sitting around twiddling her thumbs or is wondering what to do with all of her excess time. And I know I'm not alone when I say I've fallen into the busyness trap, and I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but I don't have the time to get out. Trust me, I know when I'm too busy, everything suffers. My energy, my patience, the quality of my work, my sleep, and even my relationships because I become so task-oriented, I forget about the people and so overwhelmed that I

sometimes don't even hear people when they're talking to me. And when I do, I'm snippy and short in my responses. I know my busyness distracts me from what really matters at work and at home. And yet, at least a couple times a year, I find myself back in that busyness trap. Can we take a second to acknowledge how ridiculous that is? I know better. I literally coach women all the time to do less. I've created rules that supposed tos, to define success on their own terms, and to prioritize what matters most. You'd think I'd be better at taking my own advice, but for some reason, it's like clockwork. Once or twice a year, I'm right back in that busyness trap, like someone covered it in cheese and made it look like a retreat, and then I just fell the fuck in. And now I'm sitting in this hole of a trap, beating myself up and pissed that I haven't learned this lesson yet, because I know that busyness isn't a badge of honor.

And the only awards you win are stress, burnout, and probably heart disease. OK, I lied. I just Googled it. And apparently CNN has a busiest woman on the planet award. But I'm pretty sure it comes with a side of stress and panic attacks. So no, thanks. Okay, then I am Nicole Kalil. And on this episode of this is woman's work. We're going to talk about how to recognize the busyness trap. So we don't get lured or accidentally fall into it like I did. And we're going to talk about how to get ourselves out of it once we've fallen in. And I'm definitely doing this episode for you, but I'm also doing it for me so I can listen to it those couple times of year where I forget everything I know and say and revert back to those busyness, do more tendencies of mine. I've invited Teresa Voza, leadership expert, certified executive coach,

former HR executive with over 20 years of corporate experience, and a 2023 Women of Influence nominee to join us. Teresa is a passionate advocate for leading authentic, drama-free, and resilient lives and teams, and she works with leaders in the executive ranks. So as you might imagine, she knows a lot about that busyness trap. Teresa, thank you so much for being here today. And I want to start by asking if your work has a personal aspect to it. Because in my experience, our work and our passion often stems from some sort of personal experience. So I suspect you have one too. Why are you talking about busyness?

Well, you're absolutely right. And first of all, thank you for having me. It's a pleasure to be on this podcast. And yes, definitely, I have a story. And as many of us budding business owners, many of us start our business stemming from a personal story. I am obsessed with this topic, I'll be very honest. And the reason I'm obsessed with the topic is because I was that woman. I was that go, go, go person, especially in my work, who was known. I was actually known as the person who was always busy. And I wore that, as you mentioned the words, badge of honor very proudly. And so a little bit about me. So my background, as you mentioned, is in corporate. Before I started my business, I spent 20 years kind of climbing the corporate ladder, if you will, for a Fortune 500 company. And in that role, I was, I would say, rather addicted to achievement. I was addicted to

feelings of worthiness and being needed and being considered that go-to person. For me, that was a really highly valuable thing to say. The problem was that I didn't have an on-off switch. I didn't have an internal antenna, if you will, that warned me that I was going too far. And so it all came to a head in 2015 when I was promoted to a vice president of HR. And I was in a interview, actually, with the chief executive officer and the chief medical officer, if you can believe it, when I had to excuse myself because I was having heart palpitations. And I'll never forget the feeling of having gotten off from my chair and feeling very, very woozy and almost falling down.

Like I started to faint, but then the chair kind of held me back. And at that time, the CEO and the CMO both looked at me like, what is happening? And they said, Teresa, are you okay? And I said, I don't know. And what followed that event was a bit of a blur because I was asked to sit down. I was asked to call an ambulance or someone called it for me, I should say. And I was carried out in a stretcher in front of all my employees, my new CEO that I just started reporting to, and a chief medical officer whom we were interviewing. And as it turned out, to kind of hurry the story along a little bit,

is that I was convinced I was having heart problems. And through a slew of tests that the ER performed for me, they said to me, you don't have a heart problem, Teresa. What you have is an anxiety problem. You are highly burnt out. And I'll never forget that moment because that's when it all came crashing down on me that everything I was working so hard to do was having a really palpable effect, not only on my physical health, but my emotional health as well. And so that was what really started the journey for me to really uncover what were the driving forces towards my addiction to overwork and being busy, which, as we'll probably get into in this call, have nothing to do with the actual

tasks and have everything to do with an internal feeling. Yeah. So that's what I was going to say. I think you hit a lot of reasons why I know personally, and I would imagine many of us fall into this trap and it's some internal need or void or desire we're looking to fill in probably not the right ways or not the healthiest ways. So you mentioned, you know, wanting to be valued or proving myself has been one for me or worthiness, or like, if I just accomplish this, then I will feel happy, fulfilled, successful, whatever it might be. I guess my question is a tweak on that. Why is it so easy to fall into this trap?

If it's not good for us, if it's not ultimately healthy, why is it so easy for us to fall in this busyness trap? I know. And I remember asking myself that exact same question. And there's actually quite a few reasons, but the ones I will give you and your listeners is that every time I, for myself, every time I fell into a cycle of overwork, I received a reward. So whether it was a promotion or it was a pat on the back or it was a you should just call Teresa you can count on her it was a compliment all of those different things are like cortisol

it's like a cortisol just dropping a big dopamine hit because I was given the very thing that I understood was what I really wanted was was some sense of being told that you were good enough. And so I fell into it so easily because I didn't realize it at the time, but I needed that kind of feedback in order to feel as though I was keeping on top of things, that I was doing a good enough job. So it was very easy for me to keep saying yes because I was rewarded each and every time. And, you know, I liken it a little bit to what we see even on social media. Every time we post something that really creates resonance or creates an impact on other people and we look for that like and we look for that. And we look for that like, and we look for that comment, and we look for that follower.

It's very much that same feeling, like it's like a deep driving need to get something from someone else. And what I also find too, a second reason that it's so easy, I think, for those of us and probably those of us who are women, is that there's that socialization piece as well. There's that socialization piece that we are the caretakers and that we are the ones to be counted on. And we are the ones that can take on more. And I think I grew up that way. And so a big part of the work I do with my clients is we look at what we call shaping forces. So what are those shaping forces? Is it cultural? Is it institutional? Is it religion in some cases? Is it your childhood upbringing? forces that give rise to this belief that when you do more, you are more. And I think that's a

really big thing to unpack. And most of us don't do it until we kind of have our, you know, shit against the wall, so to speak. That's when we start to ask ourselves these big questions. Okay. So I think both of those are phenomenal points. I will say the societal expectations one wasn't super surprising to me, but it's always good to hear that. I think the first reason you gave kind of felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks because what I associated with in that moment was busyness is another form of external validation. I never put it in that category for me. And it's crazy how, you know, external validation is a driving force in so much of what we do. Yes, because we're socialized to it, but because we literally don't know how to give it to ourselves anymore. And so we're so busy looking out there for someone or something else to say we're worthy or we're valuable or we're okay. And holy shit, I had never made that connection before. So thank you for doing that. And if I can just say one thing there too, is what really turned things around for me

when I went down this journey and now is the same journey I take my clients through is really understanding. And it's going to sound a little bit like psychology, but I'm going to say it anyway, is like that little girl. It's that it's that little girl inside, like really understanding who are we answering to? Is it Teresa, the 49 year old executive coach running her own business? Or is it that 10 and 12-year-old girl who really wanted attention? I really do believe that busyness is a form of attention seeking. We want and crave attention. And when we don't have the skills or the beliefs to support that internally, it makes complete sense that we

look to it outside of ourselves. So really understanding what does that little girl need? It can be very vulnerable, but also extremely powerful in trying to untangle that web, if you will. Yeah. Great question. And I agree again, kind of that ton of bricks feeling is yes, it is attention seeking behavior. I don't know that I'm aware of it or that I had to put it in that category before, but I can absolutely see that. Okay. So I guess my question is, I'm thinking other people listening might be wondering this too, so I'm going to ask it. I believe that it does require some measure of hard work to start a business, to build

a business, to move up the corporate ladder, to do big and brave and bold things, to be a mom. There is an element of hard work that I think is required to create success in just about anything. Where is the ideal state between like the positive hard work, putting effort towards what matters, and then the flip side being busyness? Or where is that ideal state between not too busy, but not too bored? I think it has everything to do with where your energetic level is at. I think that oftentimes we talk about burnout in the sense of it being physical exhaustion and doing too many things and having too many tasks to do. And it is all of those things that can lead to feelings of burnout

and all of the physical symptoms that go along with it. But it's equally as much about how long are you working or creating in a zone that isn't energy renewing. So if the business owner is a great example, because you know, when I think back to when I started my business three and a half years ago, in the beginning, it was highly overwhelming. There were so many tasks to do. At the time, I didn't have an employee. Now I do. But at the time, I didn't. So I was the solo person doing it all.

But the fact is I was building something and it was highly energetic and highly exciting. And so my ability to do more and be busy while doing it met my internal energy stores because I was very, very congruent and very aligned with the work. One of the signs that I often see sometimes is when we are too out of alignment with what it is that really gives us pleasure in our business or even in our executive careers, that just leads to a greater sense of feeling drained and depleted, and then just ticking off the list without any real feeling or energy behind it. So for me, one of the biggest signs is just watching your energy levels. As you're building something, as you're working on that board presentation, as you're, you know, putting together a project plan for work is

those checkpoints, where is my energy level at? And just doing that even two or three times a day is enough to interrupt the pattern because it is a patterned response, right? Being busy is a habit and it is like many habits, it's nearly wired in. And so we have to interrupt that. And I like to interrupt that pattern with small micro changes. Nicole, you're really good in speaking on your website about being very practical, not just theoretical. So what are some real practical things you can do to interrupt the pattern? Very easy. You know, you could after like 90 minutes, set your timer to go for a walk for 15. As an example, that's something I do that doesn't have to be for everyone. It could very well be going somewhere and having something for lunch. It's just about interrupting the pattern of keeping going when we work past the 60, 90, 120 minute mark, break the pattern in small ways. And sometimes that could be a breathing break. I'm a very big believer in the breath. I think it's highly underestimated and it's scientifically

a proven strategy to get our system back online. So come up with those micro strategies. I call them integrated practices, intersperse them for seven, 8, 9, 10 days. Then let's come back and say, hey, how are you feeling now? Even though you still have, your schedule still looks the same, chances are you're going to feel very different because you've interrupted the pattern that has been so ingrained for so many years. Okay. So a few takeaways. Number one, I appreciate you saying it's wired you know, wired in our brain and it's a habit because, you know, I do beat myself up when I find myself back in that busyness trap. And I'm like, am I ever going to learn this lesson? And I also very much appreciate and value

the pattern interrupts that you gave a few ideas. I'll also add, I am a big sticky note in like sending messages to myself. So I have messages on my computer screen that remind me not to add something to my calendar unless I'm taking something off or three part questions that I asked myself to determine if something is a yes. I have a note on my door from my office into my house that asks me a few questions to make sure I'm letting go my work stuff and getting into family mode. I have a sticky note that says, be where your feet are on my mirror. I mean, there's so many ways that we can do this, but I think the pattern interrupt is a really good reminder. I even just used the word boop. I actually did a podcast episode on it, but just

the word boop, like just kind of makes me pause. I want to go back to the energy thing. I think that's a great way to tell because we all know of things that require hard work and a lot of energy that at the end of it, you feel still energized. And then we all know the opposite where you feel completely depleted and you have no idea why, because it wasn't even that big of a deal. So that's a good one. And then I'm curious, what are your thoughts about presence being a way to determine busyness? Because I know when I'm in my busyness, I'm everywhere, but where my body is. Like my mind is all over the place. I'm like not at all present. Is that an element of business or is that just a me thing? No, that's a beautiful element.

And I'm glad you brought it up because one of the big pillars, I think, that is required now more than ever is embodiment. And part of embodiment is really understanding the role of the body. And when you understand the role of the body, you start to pay attention to those physical cues that are like blinking indicator lights that something is off or is about to go off, or you might want to take a break. And, you know, simple techniques I use even on my group coaching calls with my clients is we'll start by just doing centering. And that is literally like feeling your feet on the ground, feeling your center of your body,

really doing a bit of a scan of just where you're at from a physical standpoint and really getting in tune with your body in order to invoke that kind of presence. And I believe like yourself too, Nicole, is that when we practice it within the context of, like in my case, the client calls, you'll be more apt to want to practice it in what I call in the field. And in the field is in your work, in your organization, in your team meetings. So when you feel those moments of stress or pressure

or the tendency to want to do things and become all frenzied, find your feet, right? Find your center. I'm a big believer in, you know, putting the hand on the heart because no one else knows what you're doing. You can be sitting at a chair, putting your hand on your heart, and it's just a physical gesture that cues the body to slow down. And that is just enough to be able to create presence and then the ability to move on to the next task. The other thing I want to mention too, because you reminded me of it when we were talking about energy is it's a really great idea to periodically, and I do it weekly, to do an energy audit. And just, you know, in your journal,

in a piece of paper, anywhere, really just ask yourself, where did I feel most alive this week? Where did I feel my energy really ramp up? And where did I feel it depleted? When I do that, when my clients do that, they get a very quick snapshot of where they are spending too much time or too little time in their business or in their executive careers, because my business is mostly executives. And so what happens is they're just starting to bring a level of awareness that wasn't there. Because when you are caught in the busy trap, there is no awareness. You're just going. And so that audit, even once a week, 5, 10, 15 minutes, is enough to bring that level of presence, awareness, and intention to the following week. Thank you, Teresa, for suggesting the audit. I'm a big

proponent of that too. Tactically, one way that I do that is I print out my calendar for the week. And as I'm going through my meetings and the things I have to do, I just write a plus or a minus sign, or I don't if it's, if it's fairly neutral, but either something's giving me energy or it's draining me of energy. And I like to notice it when I'm in it and then doing that, looking back and trying to see what the patterns are or what might've contributed it. Is it what the meeting is or who I'm doing it with, or was it the way I came to the meeting or what was happening before? It's interesting, but I think that that is invaluable. I have to ask you, for those of us who might have created some of our own problems in the

being the go-to person that everybody always comes to with all the questions or being the person everybody can count on or being the person who everybody wants to lead the project or run the PTA or whatever it is, once you've sort of put yourself in that position, how do you stop it? How do you escape or prevent this busyness trap once you've sort of made that reputation for yourself? Yeah, it's a great question. And it won't be surprising that the first step really is awareness.

It always starts with awareness, like becoming really crystal clear where, like, since for some people it falls in certain facets of their life, but it's not everywhere. So for myself, it really showed up at work, less so at home, believe it or not. I seem to have a calmer nature in that setting, but at work it was amped up. So first assessing where do I see this busyness trap really show up in my life? Second question is what's the payoff? What's the thing you're getting? Because we're all getting something from being busy. Is it a sense of accomplishment? Is it a sense of productivity? Is it, again, is it the compliment? Is it the validation? So what's the payoff? And then the third question I ask my clients is what's the cost? So what's the cost to you?

And whether that be relationally with your family or children. And I'll never forget the time my kids said to me, mom, you're just always on your phone. And my kids are 10 and 12 now, but most of their younger years, I was an executive and that's a big part of what they remember. So I was looking for clues, like what is my family saying? What is my friend saying? What am I saying? And then once you have all those pieces together is to really map out, okay, I'm not a fan, Nicole, of like big bang plans or like, you know, get unbusy in 30 days. It doesn't work that way. It's about making small incremental changes that honestly, other people might not notice, but you will. And so what are one to two, maybe three max

small incremental changes that you can make to start to unfurl yourself from busyness? Maybe that is, I'm not going to go back online after six o'clock. Maybe it is like you, I love your suggestion, putting the sticky. Okay. What's that question I need to ask myself before I transition from work to home. It could be another thing could be just, you know, great example is having an accountability partner to or someone in your life, whether it's a coach or a mentor, or a really good friend who's willing to give you the straight goods, that kind of friend to say, you know, to be able to be accountable to and saying, these are the things I'm putting in place in my life. Can you help keep me accountable? And I think the last thing is really because it is a habit

and a pattern to have a ton of self-compassion and to look at this as like almost like a once a week review where you can really start to ask yourself, where did this feel comfortable to scale back? And where did it feel uncomfortable? And so again, that just gives you clues as to what are other areas for you to start, you know, to focusing on in the next week. So I do believe that a big part of it is starting with awareness. And the one part I didn't mention with that is including body awareness. What is your body signals?

Like what is your body telling you as well? Plan for that space to reflect on which area of your life is creating the most havoc and you're in that busy trap. And then what are like one to three incremental things that I can do to break the pattern and then just review? The last step is just review what felt hard, what felt comfortable, and then iterate and then just keep going because all change feels uncomfortable at first. I think anything worth doing has a level of mental discomfort, especially when it's a change for the best. I so appreciate, appreciate Teresa,

the sort of step-by-step and really good questions. If you're listening, I would highly encourage a rewind and just going through that with yourself for yourself. As you were talking, I don't know why or exactly at what point, but the word comparison popped into my head. important that we remember that we all have different energy levels. We all have different things that give us energy. We all have things that deplete us of energy. We all have different desires. And I think sometimes when it comes to busyness, sometimes it's that comparison, that wanting to measure up that if she can do it, I can too, or that sometimes forces us in directions that we don't really want to be in or has us say yes when we really mean no or not now or not yet or any of those things. Any thought on the comparison aspect? I have a lot of thoughts, but probably not enough time to share them. But, you know, instantly that quote comes to mind, one that I'm sure many people have heard, which is comparison is the thief of joy. And it's true because no two people are alike. No two people's energy is alike. No two people's bodies are alike. We could go on and on and on. I think what's

really important is to get to the truth. And the truth is what works for you. And I think when we can do that deeper inner work to ask that question, what truly works for you? What feels good? Then, and we follow that, I think eventually comparison will start to dissipate the more good feelings we can generate. But in the absence of those good feelings, it's going to become so much easier to compare ourselves to that of others. Every time I used to bring up comparison, like so-and-so can do it. So she would always say to me, you know, honey, we don't know other people's stories. We don't know what they're struggling with. And that has been a mantra that even up to this day, I remind myself when I fall into, because we all do, into that comparison trap. I don't know her story.

I don't know her life. I don't know her situation. I don't know her life. I don't know her situation. I just know my truth. So getting really grounded in what's true for you and then really centering in that even somatically, like with your body will really help dissipate and quell that comparison noise. Very well said. I often say that comparison is the thief of confidence too, because confidence is when you trust yourself firmly and boldly, and you can't trust yourself if you don't know yourself and you can't know yourself if you're worried about what everybody else is doing and you don't know their stories and you're comparing it to yours and all of that

stuff. So agree wholeheartedly. I'm going to ask you to close out with what's your one sentence headline that you want people to walk away with after hearing this episode about busyness? Yeah. You know, what came to my mind as I was thinking about this is, well, I was going to say burn bright, not out. But I think what's really coming to me more so than that is that everyone else's story is none of your business. It's your story. And I think it's really about understanding like, what's your story? What's your story? What's your legacy? What do you want to be known for? What do you want to be? What do you want to feel like on a day in day out basis? So in keeping with that comparison piece, everyone else's life is none of my business.

It's my life. And so what do I want? What's my truth? I think that is something that will help your listeners at least start the process of discovering for themselves, what do I want my life to look like? And is this current busyness trap that I may find myself in getting me closer to that? Or is it moving me further away? It's interesting when you said the word legacy, I just had the visceral reaction of like, nobody's going to be like, she got so much done in a day. That's not what people are going to remember us for, or probably what we want them to remember us for. So great advice. Thank you, Teresa. And if you're listening and you want to learn more about Teresa and her work, you can go to Teresaesavoza.ca.

We'll put her link in show notes. And on her website is a free mini course called the Hustle Paradox Course. So you can find that there for free, along with a bunch of other valuable tools and resources. We'll also put in show notes all the ways you can find and follow Teresa. So thank you so much for your time today. Oh, thank you, Nicole. I've had

a great time and I was pleased to be here. Me too. Okay. I don't know about you, but sometimes the best way for me to narrow down what it is that I really want is to get clear on what I don't want. And sometimes the way to figure out what something is, is to identify what it isn't. So here's the thought I'll leave you with. The opposite of busyness is presence and embodiment. And your energy is telling you everything you really need to know. Maybe that's one way we'll be able to tell if we're about to fall into that busyness trap. When we stop being present and engaged, when we're not in the moments we're in, when our minds are in different places than our bodies are, when we think there's some place we need to get to or something we need to accomplish before we can enjoy our current reality, when

we're so busy wishing for another season instead of appreciating the one we're in, when we are thinking about the 10 tasks ahead versus the one we're doing, when we're so focused on all we have to do, we can't even think about who we get to be. And when we're so focused on our to-do list that we aren't connected to the people we're doing it with. What if we gave up having to prove ourselves to others? What if all people want is more of you? What if the way to be more is to do less? All I know is woman's work is not about busyness. It's about recognizing and sharing your gifts. And you can't do that from inside that trap. So be where your feet are because that is woman's work.