This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 175 / When An Elephant Walks Into The Room

Episode Date: December 29, 2023

Every once in a while we release a mini-episode of This Is Woman’s Work so I can share something I’ve learned, comment on something that feels particularly relevant and timely, or vent about something I need to get off my chest before my head explodes. Basically, these mini-episodes are the podcast equivalent of an appetizer – not quite filling enough to be a main course (unless you eat a million of them, which is frankly MY go-to move because I’d rather eat a meal of appetizers anyway), they’re designed to hold you over, and they CAN end up being the star of the show. So, here’s the topic for our mini-episode or podcast appetizer today: What should you do when an elephant walks into a room? The answer? Well, you have to listen in to find out. Like what you heard? Please rate and review 

I am Nicole Kalil, and every once in a while, we release a mini episode of This Is Woman's Work so I can share something I've learned or comment on something that feels particularly relevant and timely, or so I can vent about something I need to get off my chest before my head explodes. Basically, these mini episodes are the podcast equivalent of an appetizer. Not quite filling enough to be a main course unless you eat a million of them, which is frankly my go-to move because I would rather eat a meal of appetizers than a main course any day of the week. They're also designed to hold you over, but can end up being the star of the show. I mean, I would gladly trade you a plate

of chicken in any form for a charcuterie board, and I have to tell you that dips are one of my love languages. So here's the topic for our mini episode or our podcast appetizer today. What do you do when an elephant walks into the room? I hope this is obvious, but I don't mean an actual real elephant. If a real elephant walks into your space, apparently you should start shouting, position yourself behind a large object, and try not to look scared according to Google. So now we all know not to run or climb a tree as would be our natural instinct when faced with a real elephant. You're welcome for that. I probably just saved some lives. Anyway, what I'm really talking about is that

metaphorical elephant, the elephant that represents an obvious problem or an uncomfortable situation. You know, that difficult moment that everyone is aware of. Everybody sees the problem, but nobody wants to talk about it. Yeah, that elephant. Mine usually manifests as a massive pink spotted elephant because I don't do anything small, including awkwardness. And I like a little flair. And frankly, gray washes me out.

So anyway, what do you do when an elephant walks into the room? Well, friend, I've tested this out a lot this year, and I think I have a good answer. And like when faced with a real elephant, it's opposite of what your instincts are likely telling you to do. You don't run. You don't try to hide. And you don't make yourself small or quiet, even though every part of you is probably

telling you that's what you should do. And for the love of God, you need to know that you can't avoid it. It's there. We all know it's there. You pretending like it's not there only makes you look silly and results in a loss of trust. Trust in yourself and the other people in the room with you. I have three examples to share of when some pretty big pink spotted elephants walked into my metaphorical room that drive home the point that I'm trying to make, which is like when faced with a real elephant,

the best response is this. Acknowledge it loudly. Let every single person in that room know that you see the elephant. Point at it. Let them know what it looks like for you. Maybe even name it. That's the answer. When an elephant walks into the room, the very best thing any of us can do is acknowledge it, no matter how counterintuitive that might feel. Okay, so let me share those personal examples. My first pink spotted elephant walks in and it looks like this. I got an invitation over the summer to participate in a virtual event created by the BodCon community. For those of you who don't know it, BodCon is short for Body Confidence. And the BodCon is an app and online

community whose mission it is to change the way you see and feel about your body forever. It's focused on transforming the relationship we have with our own bodies. It's committed to confidence and is the number one body confidence community in the world. So where's the elephant? Well, maybe nobody else sees it, but it's lingering over there in that back corner. And I probably could have moved forward without mentioning it because it was still in the shadows, but I knew it was only a matter of time before that elephant started trampling furniture and blowing its damn trunk. I was having visuals of a future elephant band because I knew that thing would invite its friends if I let it.

So I decided to acknowledge it right away before it started party planning. And here's what I needed to acknowledge to feel in integrity with myself. First, my area of expertise is confidence, which I define as firm and bold trust in self. So while it might seem like an obvious collaboration, I had to be upfront with the amazing team at the BodCon that I don't know all that much about body confidence. Because in my work, I tend to avoid talking about physical appearance in connection with confidence because I believe women are already bombarded with quite enough messaging about how we look. And when I do talk about it, it's usually to say that our confidence is not at all connected to our appearance.

So I had to tell them that so they knew what they were getting into with me and so that I could stay in integrity. And lastly, my confidence building journey is still very much ongoing, as is true for everybody. And the biggest challenge for me in all of it has been how I feel about my own body. I've come a really long way, but I still struggle with my own body confidence and what that even means. So I didn't want to come to this opportunity claiming to have it all figured out. Luckily, they respected that. Elephant acknowledged. Now I can move forward because I pointed out the elephant,

and now that we're all looking at it, it's really not that big of a deal, which was a huge relief. Just in time for the second big elephant to walk into the room, and he looks like he's headed for my lap. Earlier in the year, I was invited to speak as part of the Mental Toughness Forum that Ben Newman runs that includes speakers like Ed Milet, Andy Frisella, David Meltzer, Amber Lee Lago, and many, many really big names. So it was an epically cool email to get. And here's the elephant that I needed to acknowledge. I had recently done a podcast episode, like literally a couple weeks before I got the invitation, about how I am not a big fan of 75 Hard, which for those of you who don't know, is the program created by one of the fellow speakers, Andrew Frisala.

Super awkward. I almost declined because of that and because I'm not sure I'm the best person to talk about mental toughness. It brings to mind grit, grind, and this sort of move forward at all costs mentality, which you know I am not a big fan of. So what did I do? I acknowledged the elephant in the room and I asked if they'd be okay if I covered mental toughness in a totally different way. I advocated for mental toughness as being open-minded, curious, and even prioritizing rest and recovery. And they said, yes, elephant acknowledged and opportunity created. Because if I hadn't acknowledged that elephant, I would have

missed the opportunity to participate in an event with over 700,000 participants. That would have been a pretty big miss. And the third big pink spotted elephant, well, that one involves a business idea that I had that I was really excited about. And I reached out to about 80-ish people that I know to see if they'd be willing to test this idea out and invest with me? Exactly 30 of the women said yes. And in most cases, they shared that the reason they said yes is because I asked them and they trusted and respected me. Some of these women are my closest friends. Some of them have been guests on this very podcast and I've been guests on theirs. Some of them are clients of mine and all of them, without exception, are women I admire and respect a great deal. I have a deep

love and appreciation for who they are and what they're putting out into the world. I asked them to give this test their six-month commitment. They invested a relatively small amount of money, but not inconsequential. But what they really invested that was even more valuable, priceless in fact, was their time. We kicked off the test of this idea that I was super excited about in September. And by November, I was second guessing if this was in fact a really bad idea. It was cumbersome, time consuming, and it wasn't delivering the upside that I genuinely hoped they'd all experience. At this point, I started doing more outreach, marketed in new ways, put a ton of my own time and energy trying to make this freaking idea work.

But that big fucking elephant was dancing around the room, taunting me. And I had all sorts of head trash, fear, guilt, and shame about acknowledging it. Yes, I didn't want to admit defeat. I didn't want to say out loud that my idea wasn't all that great. And I didn't want to fail. But even worse, a much harder pill for me to swallow was the feeling that I'd let these women that I admire so much down, that I was the feeling that I'd let these women that I admire so much down, that I disappointed them, that they'd lose respect for me or that I'd potentially damaged relationships. I hated that elephant and I was sure I was about to be embarrassed in a very

real and public way. But here's the deal. I know what to do when an elephant walks into the room and I know it's the opposite of what my natural instinct is. My natural instinct said to hide and hope nobody even noticed. It even said to pretend it was all going great so anyone that didn't think it was would feel like it was a them problem and not a problem with the overall idea. My instinct said to protect myself and not call attention to any of it, but that's not what works with elephants. So I put my big girl pants on and I sent an email to all 30 of them and acknowledged the elephant. I pointed right at it and told them that this wasn't working in the way that I'd hoped. And while I was afraid of disappointing them,

that I would feel far worse wasting any more of their time. I asked them to share their feedback with me individually or during a group call, and I invited them to brainstorm how or if we move forward from here. And guess what? Most of them had noticed the elephant already and were not only relieved, but appreciative that I pointed it out. But more importantly than that, I experienced an absolute beautiful display of understanding generosity and support. I cried more than a few times because not only did my worst fears not come true, it was better than any best case scenario I could have ever dreamed up. Sure, some of the feedback was around

what didn't work, but what was so beautiful was hearing about the things that did. As one of them put it, this was a gorgeous sun setting of one idea, but the sun also rises as it always does. We're taking what didn't work and we're setting it aside. And this idea is evolving and growing into something new, different, and better, more collaborative, even more supportive, grounded even deeper in AmpliShip. If you're listening and you're part of the first 30, I am beyond grateful and an even bigger fan of you than I ever was. I've never been more clear and more certain that that elephant walked into the room for a reason. And I could not be happier that it did. So what do you do when an elephant walks into your room? You acknowledge it. And if you're unsure how to do

that, if you're unsure where to start saying, well, this is awkward is as good of a place as any. You acknowledge that elephant and maybe thank it for coming in because, and this is something I never thought I'd say on this podcast, acknowledging elephants is an important and powerful part of doing woman's work.