This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 182 / F*@k New Year's Resolutions

Episode Date: January 19, 2024

We’re a few weeks into the new year, so how are your resolutions going? If the answer is anything but GREAT, this episode is for you. Because there’s a huge segment of people I want to acknowledge – those who make the resolutions and then don’t follow through, for whatever reason. And my concern is less about follow through, and more about the beat up, guilt, and shame that often comes along with it. My theory as to why many of us DON’T follow through is that whatever intention/goal/or resolution that was set was probably too big of a pendulum swing. This episode is for those of you, like me, who have very little “totally figured out”.  May you find YOUR best place for your pendulum to land and may you accept and maybe appreciate all the paradoxes life brings – like less is more, commitment creates freedom, and the more you try to please everyone, the less pleased everyone will be (especially YOU). Some things may be black or white - but in most cases, we live in a world of pendulum swings and paradoxes! Like what you heard? Please rate and review  Thanks to our This Is Woman’s Work Sponsor: Take the FREE BodCon Quiz  to begin your journey to cultivating a deeper level of body confidence: https://rebrand.ly/nicolekalil 

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Use the link in show notes to take the BodCon quiz today. I am Nicole Kalil, and as we release this episode of This Is Woman's Work, we're about three weeks into the new year. My guess is, as we transitioned into the new year. My guess is as we transitioned into the new year, you were surrounded by messages of resolutions, what your one word of the year was going to be, what is out, meaning what you're leaving behind from last year, and what's in, meaning what you're claiming for the new year. Your inbox was full of promotions, advice, and favorite things, and it appeared everyone was motivated, inspired, and ready to tackle the new year. And some of those things really did inspire me.

I saved a couple of those in an outlist. Judy Holler, I'm looking at you, by the way. I loved what she's leaving behind, things like false prophets and faux everything, and what she's bringing forward, like intuition, rest, and boom boxes. I also loved some of your one words, even though I've never really been able to get mine down to just one. If I had to pick my word for 24, I'd have to say curiosity and self-discovery, but clearly that's more than one word, so apparently I'm somehow doing it wrong. Okay, I also ordered some of the things off of people's favorite things list from red light therapy to new website templates, and I

always prefer to make purchases based on recommendations from people that I trust. But the reality is I've stopped doing resolutions and one words and favorite things myself, not because I don't think that they're valuable, but because they've never really worked or been sustainable for me. When I enter a new year, I do have hope and excitement for what's possible, but I also have uncertainty and I struggle hard with motivation after the holidays. And I'm painfully aware that I'm still the same person on January 1st than I was on December 31st. And changes to my mindset, my health, my productivity, and all the other big important stuff take

time because change takes time. So if I wasn't already committed to it prior or during the holidays, it probably isn't going to be something sustainable for me after the new year. And everyone else's apparent motivation and clarity sometimes messes with my confidence. There's that confidence derailer of comparison, right? Comparison is that nasty bitch, that thief of both joy and confidence. So it's imperative for all of us to notice when we get sucked into it. So ultimately, here's my question. How are your resolutions going? How is your one word inspiring action or change today?

Because this does work for a segment of people. And I'm hoping this serves as a reminder a few weeks in to support you on those things that matter to you so much when you committed to them so that it doesn't become something that goes by the wayside. Stay committed to what matters most to you. Remember, keeping your commitments to yourself is a confidence builder. But I'm also aware that there's another segment of people and I want to acknowledge them. The people who make resolutions or commit to the one word and then don't follow through for whatever reason.

And my concern is less about the fact that you don't follow through and more about the beat up guilt and shame that often comes along with it. My theory as to why many of us don't follow through is that whatever intention, goal, or resolution we set was probably too big of a pendulum swing. Examples of this could be going from all or nothing or nothing to all, like I'm eating all the cheese to I'm cutting out all the dairy, or I haven't worked

out in months, but now I'm going to work out an hour every single day. Going from one extreme to another rarely works because it's not sustainable. I worry that we've become too focused on extremes in our society that we've forgotten how to live in the middle, which is ultimately where the pendulum lands. And let's be real, moderation doesn't sell. What sells is telling people that things are either good or they're bad, that there's a right way to live and a wrong way. There's success and there's failure.

But the reality is we don't live in a world of opposites or extremes in most cases. I think't live in a world of opposites or extremes in most cases. I think we live in a world of pendulum swings and paradoxes. And I'm going to give you some examples, but before I do, let me share that I typically try to have a fully baked topic or a complete thought before I hit record. But in the spirit of curiosity, I'm coming to you today with half-baked thoughts. So with some noodling and some thinking out loud about these pendulum swings and paradoxes. And my hope, and really my only goal, is that it has you doing some noodling too. Okay. So as I mentioned, I have been inspired by other people's commitments and one that I'm often most curious about at the beginning of each year falls into what I will call the

detox category. Whether it's following a certain diet or eliminating things like sugar, dairy, or alcohol, I can completely relate to and understand the desire for a physical reset. By January 1st, I desperately want to go back to eating healthy and need to eat vegetables that aren't part of any dip. But here's the pendulum swing for me. A detox feels a lot like going from one extreme to another, and I don't see either side of the pendulum as sustainable for the long term.

If I continue to eat like I do over the holidays, all sorts of bad things would happen to my physical being and my health, not to mention my mental health and my energy. And when I do anything extreme on the other side, once January or whatever timeframe it was that I committed to is over, I often find myself right back where I started before I did the detox. What I'm suggesting we consider or determine is where we want the pendulum to land for the long term, where that middle point is for each of us individually, and then allow for it to sway from there, from that point, rather than swing from one extreme to the other. A bit of an oscillation versus a total seesaw. So let me give you an example. Alcohol. Lots of people do dry

Januaries and many people have given up alcohol for good. And I celebrate that because if you recognize that something, and I don't care what that something is, if you recognize that something, and I don't care what that something is, if you recognize that something has more control over you than you do over it, or that it doesn't feel good or right for you, or that it does more harm than it does good, I will always celebrate you walking away from it. I hope you're filled with pride for making that decision for yourself. And I hope we all recognize that what's right for one person isn't right for every person because we have a tendency to do that, right? We find something that works for us and then we want to share it with all the people, which is great because we

care and we want other people to feel as good as we do. But it can tip and we can take it too far, so much so that sharing becomes ramming it down everybody's throats and having judgment about anyone who doesn't share your same belief or experience. So at this point, you might be thinking, hold on, Nicole, you're not trying to convince us that alcohol is good for you. No, I am not trying to. What I'm saying is that if good is one side of the pendulum and bad is the other side, the vast majority of things, even alcohol, don't fall on either side as a general rule.

It's up to each of us to decide where it falls for us, where we want that pendulum to land. For an alcoholic, alcohol is very much on the bad side of that pendulum and everything depends on them cutting it out completely. For alcoholics or people who look at their experience or relationship with alcohol and decide that no longer drinking is the right landing point, that's great. Where that person might sway from their middle or from where their pendulum lands is to determine over time how they feel about being in environments where alcohol is present, like a wedding or a work event. And it's up to each individual to decide which direction or how much they can sway.

For me, and I'll be transparent in saying that in my late 20s and early 30s, alcohol very much swung towards the bad side for me, pretty extremely. And I would have been better served by cutting it out. But as I stand here today where I want to land, where I want my pendulum to be and then sway a little in either direction, And by that, I mean being open to other ways and curious about other pendulum swings and middles. What I want is this. I mostly don't drink, but when I do, I only drink well-made drinks with well-made people.

Let me say that I can't do hangovers anymore. Seriously, I have no interest in feeling like shit the next day. If you know me, you know how much I value sleep and my sleep is total crap if I've had even more than a couple drinks. And Jay and I don't want to be drinking on the couch on random Tuesdays for no apparent reason like we did during COVID. But I also love having a great glass of wine with a great meal. I also enjoy a well-made cocktail. It's about the experience for me.

So for me, a resolution to not drink for an entire year would have likely been something I didn't follow through on and then beat myself up about. And not drinking for a month doesn't really accomplish as much as it relates to where I want to land. My pendulum lands on, I mostly don't drink, but when I do, it's going to be a good drink with good people. It's not going to be a high noon or a shitty glass of wine with people I don't want to be hanging out with in

the first place. I guess if I made a resolution, it would be that. And if that was my resolution, I'd have a pretty strong probability in following through on it because it aligns with how I want to live my life for the long term. It's sustainable, but it also forced me to think and to decide what I really want and make some conscious decisions. For me, it's going to be a well-made drink with well-made people, which are frankly the only kind of people I want to be hanging out with anyway. People who are kind and curious, caring and funny, committed and honest. People who will take care of my name in a room when I'm not there or who have no time or interest in gossip or drama. Not perfect people, but people who are creating themselves well. And if you don't agree with or like this philosophy, then don't choose it for

yourself. I can feel good about where my pendulum lands without having to judge yours. In fact, if you find yourself having judgment about me or this decision, a loving reminder that your judgment is giving you more insight into you, into your values, your perspectives, and your beliefs. It's telling you more about you than it is about me. And I'd invite you to be curious about that. Just like my judgment, say more about me than the person or the thing that I'm judging. Okay. So am I trying to say that alcohol is healthy? No, I'm not. But let's be real. Pretty much anything can be unhealthy and everything is a debate these days. Many things are challenging for some, but fine for others like gluten or dairy. Shit, even healthy things can be unhealthy for some people. I coached a woman who is literally allergic to lettuce. My point is less about alcohol and more that every single one of us has things that we're doing in our lives that swing farther to the bad side of

the pendulum. And that could be our insecurities, our habits, relationships, food, mindsets, and beliefs, and so much more. But your job, my job, all of our jobs is to find the best place for our pendulum to land and then sway from there. Where do you want your home base or your middle to be? What serves you without being worried if it serves everyone else? And then sway a bit from there. And we should do that all year, every year. Which I guess brings me to paradoxes because after the detox type commitments, the next most common that I see fall into this sort

of self-care category as we enter a new year. And in concept, I'd say I'm an advocate of self-care, but I also have a lot of beef with it. I'm going to call it a self-care paradox. It's this idea that we need self-care because we have too much on our plates and we're totally burnt out. And yet self-care is often positioned as something else, something extra that we need to do as yet another add-on to our never-ending to-do list. Make sure you work out, eat healthy, meditate, do something that brings you joy, something creative, something that relaxes you, take lots of time you don't have for yourself. And then the irony is we feel guilt and beat ourselves up, which turns self-care into self-critical

pretty quickly. In theory, taking care of ourself is something everyone should do and be able to do, but so much of what's presented as self-care today comes at a pretty hefty cost. From spa days to wellness retreats, healers, cleanses, supplements, and products, it isn't lost on me that most of this is marketed to women.

Self-care seems to have become a business. To be clear, I'm not saying that any of these things don't have value or that I never do them or that people who sell them are bad. I'm saying that none of those things are necessary to be doing self-care. Deep breaths, time in nature, being with friends, practicing gratitude as just a few examples

are incredible acts of self-care and they cost you nothing. And mostly, I think where I get the most bothered with self-care is the underlying message that it's about escaping from our lives, our current realities, our stress and our worries, our burdens and our responsibilities, our challenges, and our overwhelm. It's positioned as something we do when our lives turn to shit, right? Stressed out, burnt out? Well, you should practice self-care. Take a 10-day trip, spend thousands of dollars, and you'll feel better. And you probably will for most of those 10 days and maybe a few days following until you come back to all the things that cause you stress and overwhelm in the first place. So let me get to the point of what I'm noodling on.

What if self-care works best when we do it before we need it? What if self-care is really about small, consistent, day-to-day things and doesn't have to cost a thing? What if the ultimate form of self-care is building a life, relationships, and a career that you do not need to regularly escape from? What if self-care is less about products and stuff to do and more about the small decisions, conversations, expectations, and boundaries you create in your life so you don't need all the products and all the things and all the stuff. And then you can take a 10-day trip and spend thousands of dollars if you want to, but you'll

actually enjoy, be present, and experience it rather than spending that time escaping or recovering. Sometimes life throws us some nasty curve balls and maybe it's then that we need to approach self-care from a reactive place. But in the meantime, what if the paradox to beat all paradoxes is practicing self-care in small and consistent ways in your day-to-day decisions with who you choose to surround yourself with and what you choose to say yes to and what you choose to invest in and how often you say no in prioritizing feeling proud of yourself over pleasing others. What if practicing self-care eliminates the need for self-care, at least in that sort of reactive, privileged, desperate way that we've been

exposed to so much lately. In an age where women feel lonelier than ever before, maybe we should spend less time planning what we're doing or getting or achieving in a year and more time on who we're spending it with. I don't know. I might be totally talking out of my ass on both counts. Like I said, half-baked ideas I'm noodling on, and I'd figure I'd give you some insight into what my curiosity looks like. My hope, though, is that in addition to your resolution and words of the years, or instead of those things, if they don't work for you, that you think

about and get some clarity in an area of your life where the pendulum is swinging, where you might be going from one extreme to the next, or trying to navigate between two somewhat conflicting ideas or beliefs, that you take the time to think about where you want that pendulum to land for you. And that you know two seemingly opposite things can be true and things are very rarely 100% good or 100% bad. Sure, there are some things like heroin or cancer that we'd consider universally bad. And some things like winning the lottery or finding your soulmates

that we'd consider universally good. But most of it isn't one or the other. It's pendulum swings and paradoxes. I believe cheese, pug cuddles, travel, and confidence are good, but you may not. I believe I can be healthy and drink alcohol, but you may not. I believe the ultimate form of self-care is building a life I find contentment and joy in on the regular. And I still choose to do some of those things like spa days and retreats and be grateful for the privilege to be able to do them.

And you may not. At any time of any year, how are you navigating your pendulum swings and paradoxes? And where do you want to land? May you find your best place for your pendulum to land, and may you accept and maybe appreciate all the paradoxes life brings. Like less is more, commitment creates freedom, and the more you try to please everyone, the less pleased everyone will be, especially you. Pendulum swings and paradoxes sound like woman's work to me. How about you?