This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - 188 / View From The Top

Episode Date: February 7, 2024

I’m releasing this solo episode for two reasons – first, I have some BIG news to share with you! Second, because I think my reaction and response to this big news will be relevant for many of you. If you’re part of my community you already know some of this – because my community always gets the good stuff, the free stuff, the funny stuff, and the important stuff FIRST. Side note, if you want to be in the know and aren’t part of my community yet, you can go to www.nicolekalil.com and download any of the free resources or drop your info under the “Join My Community” section at the bottom of my website. Or you can email me at [e-mail] and we’ll get you added. We have a couple of big opportunities coming, including the chance to BE a guest on our show – which we’ll communicate first, and in some cases only with my community. You’ll have to tune in to hear all about my big news! Like what you heard? Please rate and review  Thanks to our This Is Woman’s Work Sponsors: Get your Oura Ring at https://ouraring.com/tiww - it has been the best wellness and self-discovery tool I’ve invested in. Instead of one-size-fits-all, it offers one-size-fits-YOU solutions and helps track your stress throughout the day (it also tracks your sleep, recovery, detects early signs of sickness, and can help predict your period)!

I am Nicole Kalil, and as I record this episode, we're nearing the very end of January. And I have to ask, is it just me, or does January feel like the longest month ever? It must be like January 42nd. I know I'm not the only one who's experiencing some stress and overwhelm because earlier in the month, we released an episode on the topic of stress and we had over 30,000 downloads in seven days. So no, it's probably not just me. Anyway, I made the decision to record this episode just a few days ago, and I asked that it be released quickly, which throws off our entire release schedule and forces my team to do everything faster than normal.

So they hate me a little bit right now, but I'm just keeping them on their toes and helping us all practice the skill of flexibility and adaptability. So you're welcome to my team who is listening to this before all of you and deciding whether or not they want to kill me or quit or mess with this episode in some way that's bound to publicly embarrass me. But I'm really just doing this for our personal and professional development, right? In all seriousness, Nikki Burla, who edits every episode and has since the beginning, is the best. And you wouldn't be listening to any of this if it weren't for her, or at least it wouldn't sound very good if it weren't for her. So I wish we could all give her

the standing ovation she deserves, but obviously that's not going to work. So I just wanted to publicly thank her. Okay. So why this impromptu episode? Well, for two reasons. First, I have some big news to share. And second, because I think my reaction or my response to this big news will be relevant for many of you. If you're a part of my community, you already know some of this because my community always gets the good stuff, the free stuff, the funny stuff, and the important stuff first. Side note, if you want to be in the know and aren't yet part of my community, you can go to NicoleKhalil.com and download any of the free resources or drop your info in the join my community section at the bottom of my website. Or you can just email me at

info at NicoleKhalil.com and we'll get you added. We have a couple of big opportunities coming, including a chance to be a guest on this show. So we'll communicate that and some other things with my community first, and in some cases only with them. Okay, back to the big news that they already know, but I think they'll agree is big enough that it's worth repeating. Our podcast, This Is Woman's Work, climbed its way to the top 10 of the Apple podcast charts in the U.S. in mid-January, getting as high as number seven in our subcategory of self-improvement and as high as number 11 in our big category of education.

To put this in perspective, according to a quick Google search, there are approximately 180,000 podcasts on Apple in these categories. And they're two of the biggest categories alongside business and society and culture. Another side note, did you know that there are 240 podcasts on the topic of volleyball? I mean, getting into the top 10 of that category would still be pretty exciting. But number seven, even if it only would have been for a day, out of almost 200,000 podcasts feels pretty freaking huge. Mel Robbins is number one and Tony Robbins is number 16 in our category. So apparently having Robbins as a last name also helps. But holy amazing company, Batman. I'm looking at the shows and the names of the other people and fighting against imposter syndrome on

a second by second basis. I'd love nothing more than to celebrate with them and give everybody in the top 200 a high five. But honestly, they have no idea who I am. Two days after we found out, and yes, I did wait two days and checked multiple people's phones just to make sure this wasn't some elaborate and epically cruel joke, I took a quick break from my social media hiatus to post and share the news. And if you know me, you know I have this weird thing where I compare confidence or challenges or really anything that's hard to climbing Mount Everest. I heard a woman speak at an event many, many years ago who had actually climbed Mount Everest and reached the summit. And she didn't die, obviously, because I was

listening to her speak. But I was blown away by how much actually goes into doing this and how insanely hard it is to do and how this woman could speak in front of thousands of people and probably not feel scared because she'd already climbed Mount Everest and made it and didn't die. So public speaking was probably no big deal for her. I was also blown away that people actually choose to climb Mount Everest. I mean, I'm blown away when people choose to run a marathon. And while that's exceptionally challenging too, it seems like there's less potential for death involved. So I don't know. I'm not an expert, but I do love me an Everest analogy.

So of course my post had to include one. I started my post by saying that getting into the top 10 is basically the podcast equivalent of reaching the summit of Mount Everest. Minus all the sweating, heavy breathing, cell death, impaired judgment, altitude sickness, or possible death. Okay, so maybe not at all like Everest, except maybe the impaired judgment part, but it is a big fucking deal, too big to not share with all of you. Because if I actually climbed Everest, I'd share my summit picture with literally every person on the planet,

getting my dry cleaning, ordering my meals, sitting next to a stranger on the plane. I'd be like, have you seen me on the top of Mount Everest? So my post was the social media version of doing that. Another side note to share is that when I posted my Everest analogy, I had a friend text me all sorts of scary information about climbing Mount Everest, including that when people die, they have to leave the bodies there because it's actually more dangerous for other people to go and get them out. And once I found that out, I started feeling really bad about all of my Everest analogies. So I'm committed to finding a new one at some point in the near future. But before I do, let me just say

that I'm not really sure what happened or how we got in the top 10 or how long it'll last, but I know it wouldn't be happening without your support. So my gratitude is way bigger than Mount Everest. Seriously, thank you from the bottom of my cheese-filled heart. It is not lost on me that you have so much on your plate and that your time is your greatest commodity and you probably never seem to have enough of it. And that you have so many choices and options and you choose to tune in here. We do our best to make sure each episode is worthy of the gift of your time while also allowing space for me and our guests to show up a little messy, share our truths, and never, ever send the message that we have it all figured out or that it's all sunshine and

rainbows or that life is somehow effortless or easy. Together, we're redefining what it means to be doing woman's work. And the big reveal is it's whatever feels true and right and authentic to you. Whatever makes you feel the sun from the inside or whatever has you listening to your inner knowing and trusting yourself, do that. And thank you for doing it with me. And all of what I said in that post and what I've said in this episode so far is true and real and exciting, but that's only the highlight reel of the total story. As is always true, there are some behind the scenes, some things that I wish I could edit out,

but unfortunately Nikki can't run around editing my life the way she does this podcast. And honestly, she'd probably leave a lot of that stuff in because she loves me. And I think my rants make her laugh. So here are the behind the scenes that weren't included in my social media posts and that I've shared some of with my community. The behind the scenes is that I freaked out and mostly not in a good way. Yes, I'm grateful in the biggest possible way. Yes, I'm excited and proud and I did celebrate. Well, sort of. Yes, it's a big goal that wasn't even on my radar 60 days ago and I need to pinch myself and all of that stuff. And yes, that's true and real and so is this. After a few minutes of, holy shit, this is wild, I started to panic.

All the reasons why it shouldn't be a top 10 podcast came flooding in. We don't have a huge team. We don't have our show on YouTube. We don't do video. We don't have fancy equipment. We aren't leveraging social media. We struggle to get people to rate our show. I mean, I know people are busy, but this is literally the hardest part of my entire job.

It's easier for me to get someone to join a $50,000 mastermind than it is to get someone to write a podcast or a book review. We aren't up to date with all of the latest technology. And while I get pitched about 15 times a day, we've only tested one promotion opportunity. And occasionally we have a guest no show, or we've even had a guest recently refuse to fill out our prep form because she felt we should research her rather than taking the 10 minutes to answer some basic questions. I don't know, but I'm guessing that does not happen to Mel Robbins. So I started freaking out about how the hell we were going

to keep it up, which if you think about this logically, if you don't totally understand how something happened, it's kind of hard to keep doing it. One of the things that's challenging about doing a podcast is there isn't a ton of data. You can see the downloads and we know what our normal range is for an episode. So if an episode falls below that range, we ask questions like, was that topic not of any interest? Or should we have titled it differently? Trust me, titles really matter. Was it bad timing or not particularly relevant? And while we can see a general trend if people start listening and when they stop listening, if they do, we have no idea about the why behind any of it.

Did I not set the episode up well? Did the guests not resonate? Or did someone just hit pause because they arrived at their destination or got interrupted by a screaming kid? Who the hell knows? Someone just hit pause because they arrived at their destination or got interrupted by a screaming kid. Who the hell knows? Which is hard because without a lot of feedback or data, we're just sort of keeping our fingers crossed. It's also kind of freeing, by the way. I've stopped really worrying about it or looking into the data at a deep level because I figure

at this point, our regular listeners must like what we're doing. So I'm just going to keep being me and we're just going to keep doing our thing. All that to say, we do have some ideas, some educated guesses of what impacted, what can only be called this huge leap, but we don't know for sure. So that led me to question literally everything about how we do this podcast. I bought so much new podcasting equipment, most of which I returned because honestly, I have no clue how to use it. I had a couple of days where I considered hiring the social media team I worked with back, but the idea of getting back on social media made me feel sick. So I decided I'd rather not have a top podcast than go back to doing that on a regular basis. I started looking into all the promotion pitches I get, but I don't know who to trust.

And I don't want to invest even more money because I'm not sure if you know this, but most top podcasters are making a million plus off of their show. And I've made maybe just under $10,000 in four years. So yay, I get to figure out how to do that too. Do I stop doing my pre-planned intros and exits and do them after the fact like most hosts do? Do I keep them shorter and give more time for our guests? Do I need to revamp show notes or start a blog? Should we be doing longer episodes or shorter ones? Let me go down the rabbit hole of researching what all the other hosts are doing, which I've never done before, but all of a sudden feels really important. Mostly. I started thinking about what all those other podcasts in the top 20

or the top 200 do. And by the way, I have no idea what they actually do, but I sure did make up a lot of shit about how professional and put together they must be. And I freaked the fuck out. And in case you're wondering if this was all just in my head, a loving reminder that mental, emotional, and physical stress are all interconnected.

My Oura Ring showed over eight hours a day of stress. It was literally measurable in my body during that time, which was important for me to see because in the past, I wouldn't have been at all aware. I would have zoned out on what it was doing to my physical body or how much of an impact it was actually having. And I think seeing it on the Oura Ring or the app made it more real for me. So a quick plug for the Oura Ring. It's a gift you give yourself, especially if you're prioritizing health or self-discovery. I have a link and a code in show notes if you want to check that out. Okay. I also have to say the most common question I've been asked by my family and friends and people I know is like, what does this mean?

What does being in the top 10 or the top 20 mean? And I feel like a complete idiot because the answer is, I don't know. As far as I can tell so far, it means so many more podcast pitches from potential guests in my inbox, an insane amount of cold outreach from people trying to sell me something, an increase in people asking to advertise on the show with products I don't use. And if they knew anything about me, they'd know I'm unlikely to endorse. And a plethora of people reaching out wanting to quote unquote pick my brain. When I think about this achievement, I mostly feel anxious and overwhelmed and I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm not sharing this for sympathy. I'm not sharing it for any reason but these three. First, transparency, because you are my people and I'm

committed to being real with you. I don't want you to see only the highlight reels. It's important to share these behind the scenes so you get the whole picture and you never feel alone if you feel freaked out when everyone expects you to feel excited. And second, as scary as it is to tell you all of this, I've learned that when I speak my fear, when I share it with others, whether that's privately with one person or publicly on a podcast like this, when I share it, it loses a lot of its power. Saying what makes you feel afraid is a brave thing. And I believe that the universe listens to and responds to us being brave. And lastly, I'm reminding myself that I get to

practice building my confidence in these moments. I get to spend time with these feelings from a place of curiosity and self-discovery, not from a place of judgment or shame. And what I'm discovering is I have a bit of a pattern. I'm really, really good with putting my head down and doing the work. I'm good at the climb, but not so good when I reach the destination. How I handle big moments isn't so productive. It isn't so empowered and it isn't so healthy. So I get to build a healthier relationship with achievement and celebration. I was recently a guest on an in-person podcast where three young women were in the room with me and one of them asked me how I celebrate.

And I had to be honest that that is very much a work in progress for me. Because the real answer is I celebrate mostly by doing one fun thing and then freaking out about what it all means, how I'll maintain it. Can I do it again? And sometimes I even feel worried that others will think I'm getting too big for my britches. I know, by the way, what I would tell anyone I love if they responded to achievement in that way, but I've just begun to practice saying all those things to myself. So that's clearly an opportunity for me. Again, this is a clear pattern. I did a similar thing during my book launch, but instead I pushed through it. I put my game face on. I didn't pay

attention at all to how I was feeling. And I completely burnt out and had to take like six months off. So I'm committed to doing it differently this time. And even just a couple weeks later, I'm making some different choices and giving myself the time and the space to be in curiosity and self-discovery. So here's my question. Have you ever had this happen to you, where you wanted something that felt so big, so out of your reach, and you put your head down,

and you do the work, and you take the risks, but when you achieve it, it doesn't feel at all like you thought it would? Do you find that you're much better at celebrating other people's achievements, but not so great with celebrating your own. Yeah, me too. And it's a pattern I'd encourage us all to break because I'm guessing it's a pattern you wouldn't choose to pass on. Like I think how I would want JJ to feel when she has her big moments and it's not at all like how I feel. And yes, she's my kid and I love her more than anything. And I should also treat myself like someone I love. And I'm hyper aware that I'm modeling these big moments for her. I don't have all or maybe even most of the answers yet.

I'm going to hang out on the curiosity and self-discovery phase longer than I normally would because let's face it, I don't usually like to sit still, but that has contributed to this pattern that I so desperately want to break. So what is next? Well, practically or logistically speaking, I'm definitely going to take advantage of this opportunity while I have it to reach out to some potential guests that have been on my bucket list forever. And I'm going to try to get myself on some shows that would be a really big opportunity for me. And we're going to remain committed to having guests on with compelling topics, regardless of how well known they are or how many followers they have.

A side note on that, for those of you who are in my community, keep your eyes peeled for an upcoming free opportunity to learn how to best pitch yourself to be on podcasts and for an opportunity to be on this podcast. It's my way of practicing ampliship and passing forward my learnings. And because I'll be honest, most pitches that we get are done pretty badly. Okay. So again, join my community on NicoleKhalil.com or at the bottom of the website or email info at NicoleKhalil.com if you want to get all of that information. Bottom line, I'm going to stay in discovery mode and ask lots of questions to determine what are the one to two things we do want to test out next to improve

the quality of our show and its reach. And I'm going to trust that if taking the time to do that has us drop in rankings, that that will be okay. We will be okay. I will be okay. And I can celebrate that it happened without it needing to keep happening. So mostly we're going to keep doing what we've been doing, one foot in front of the other towards what matters most, right? And if someone says, congratulations, I'm going to say,

thank you very much and leave it at that instead of trying to minimize this achievement. And if someone thinks I've become too big for my britches, I'll remind myself that other people's opinions are none of my business. And most people with strong opinions like that don't actually know the person they have the opinion about. And I'll keep ranting and thinking out loud, inviting guests with topics or knowledge I believe we'd all benefit from hearing, challenging one-size-fits-all solutions, cursing like a well-seasoned sailor, and attempting to bring you the best of me I know how to be, and forgiving myself when I inevitably fall short.

We'll practice celebrating. We'll test out setting aside the things that don't serve us anymore and be curious about what might. We'll be grateful for what is and growth-oriented about what could be. We'll remind ourselves that there are millions of people doing big, valuable, important work that never get recognized in a top 10 or in any sort of public way. And there are a ton of not so great people who make all the lists and are recognized across the world who are basically huge douchebags.

And that being proud of ourselves is far more important and personally impactful than any result or recognition could ever be. We'll keep poking at that old definition of woman's work and redefining it for ourselves. We'll challenge ourselves and each other. We'll learn, we'll grow, and we'll get better. We'll trust ourselves firmly and boldly. We'll stop waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel and light that bitch up ourselves. And then we'll dance in the damn fire because that is woman's work.