This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - Am I Being a Bitch… Or Just Finally Being Honest? | Unfiltered & Unhinged

Starting point is 00:00:00 Spotify, it's Jay Shetty. Are you one of those media strategy people? Scrolling through spreadsheets, searching for an audience that pays twice as much attention to your ads than they do on social? Let me introduce you to fans. And they're here with me on Spotify. Trust me, I know fans.

Starting point is 00:00:18 They don't skip, they stay for hours. They don't move on, they manifest. They're not a demographic group. They're fans. Spotify advertising. You're among fans. I am Nicole Khalil and you are listening to the This Is Woman's Work podcast, the unfiltered and unhinged edition. Short episodes, big truths, absolutely zero perfection.

Starting point is 00:00:49 And today, I want to talk about a question that I'm sure you ask yourself to, and it goes like this. Am I being a bitch? I mean, do you ask yourself that question more often than you should? Because I know that I do. Even now, in my menopausal era of giving fewer fucks, the question still sneaks in way more often than I'd like. And I can't help but wonder, do men stop and ask themselves, am I being a dick? And if they do, is it nearly as often as we do? Is there a graph somewhere on this? I mean, can somebody please do this research or send it to me? Because I would genuinely like to know. Because I'm guessing that

Starting point is 00:01:28 women are disproportionately concerned about it. Here's what I've realized. Most of the time, when I ask myself that question, the answer is actually no. I'm not being a bitch. I would was just being not what women are expected to be. Not sugar and spice and everything nice. Like when I speak up about my wants or even my basic needs, or when I set a boundary and actually stick to it, when I hold somebody accountable or refuse to excuse bad behavior or call someone out for being a total asshole, regardless of gender. Things like when I tell people my rates and expect them to pay it, when I refuse to stay in places or with people who are trying to keep me and each other small. And I wonder if a lot of the women who ask themselves this question are asking it because

Starting point is 00:02:17 we've been conditioned to confuse other people's discomfort or displeasure with our own wrongdoing. We've been taught that if somebody feels uncomfortable with our boundary, our honesty, our ambition, our directness are no, then we must be doing something wrong. We must be being a bitch, right? And listen, I know for sure that we are all assholes sometimes. I know that I have been a bitch, and I'm sure that there are still bitchy moments ahead. It'd be awfully presumptuous to assume that I've peaked, right? And this needs to be said.

Starting point is 00:02:51 Just because we feel it, just because we claim it as authenticity does not mean that it's okay to be said. Being authentic or strong or direct or whatever we want to call it is not a permission slip to be cruel. It's not a past to do or say whatever we want without consequences. But I don't run into many women who are struggling with being too cruel. I think we're struggling most with feeling guilty the second we stop over functioning, overgiving, over accommodating, and over explaining. Because more often than not, when I've asked myself whether or not I was being a bitch, I wasn't.

Starting point is 00:03:30 Because when I am, I know I am. I don't need to ask. It's when I'm questioning it, when I feel confused. That's when I typically was just being strong or confident or bold, maybe a little salty, definitely not ladylike, but not cruel or mean, just not what other people may have expected of me. And the truth is, that's usually the crux of it for me. I'm worrying about how other people are going to react, what they're going to think of me. I'm outsourcing my sense of self. I'm using external metrics to measure internal truth. crowdsourcing other people's opinions about how I should show up.

Starting point is 00:04:09 And I'm tired of asking myself this question. I'm tired of the second guessing and deeply curious and committed to knowing internally when I'm being powerful versus when I'm actually being a bitch. Side note, if you're looking for more on this, we did release an episode a while back about figuring out if you're being a bitch or standing in your power. It's episode 349. And we'll link it in show notes if you're looking for more.

Starting point is 00:04:32 because here's the bottom line. There is a difference. Being powerful isn't the same thing as being unkind. Having boundaries isn't cruelty. Disappointing people isn't an act of violence. And making yourself smaller to make other people comfortable is not kindness. So here's where I've landed. As the old saying goes, the only way to avoid criticism is to do nothing.

Starting point is 00:05:00 say nothing and be nothing. But you and I, we weren't put here for nothing. And there's no way you could convince me otherwise. So I guess our next best choice is to speak our truth. Stand in our power, live authentically and curiously, and stop wasting our time asking the wrong fucking question. It's not am I being a bitch, but who benefits when I stay nice and sweet and sweet

Starting point is 00:05:30 and quiet. Spoiler, it isn't you. It's about asking better questions like, what's the ROI on giving fewer fucks? What if my self-respect mattered more to me than being well-liked? What if their disappointment isn't actually my responsibility? Am I asking for too much or have I just been settling for too little? Even does this boundary make my ass look big? And listen, maybe the best question of all is, who decided I was too much? much and why am I still listening? So, friend, here is to asking better questions and retiring the ones designed to keep us small

Starting point is 00:06:09 because that is woman's work. Hey y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust.

Starting point is 00:06:32 Visit Wayfair.ca.cair, every style, every home.

This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - Am I Being a Bitch… Or Just Finally Being Honest? | Unfiltered & Unhinged

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